Chapter Six: Three Rules

After an eternity, or maybe a couple of minutes, or maybe even a handful of years, Hex returned to existence, and as he did, he thought of how exhausting this whole 'continuing-to-exist' business was starting to become. He considered how nice it might be to just stop for just a while, take a break from the universe – and this was seconds before he crashed into the ground with an oof and remembered that he had forgotten to remember to stay upright.

There was a brief moment as he sat up, groaning, in which he was really quite hopeful, because it very much looked like he was back in the console room of the TARDIS. Victorian-style architecture, sweeping arched ceilings, console blinking and humming, carpet-fading-to-floorboards underneath his hands. It was all so familiar that he could have almost wept, and for that golden, shining second, he was very nearly convinced (cliched as it was) that the entire experience had been a bad dream.

And then he began to notice things – the non-existence of the TARDIS's internal engines, the absence of any doors at all, the twisted impossibility of the console spire (it hurt his eyes to look at for any amount of time), and of course there was Nobody No-One, fiddling with buttons and levers at the console. Any semblance of hope pretty much disappeared instantaneously right there.

He was still in the CORDIS. Of course he was.

Nobody glanced up at Hex and flashed him a brilliantly jagged smile that did not in any way reach his eyes. Then, in an instant, any attention that had been directed Hex's way was now focused somewhere else – at someone else, who was on the ground in the half-shadows where the light from the console spire didn't reach.

"Oh – Dorothy, you can move now," he called into the shadows cheerfully. "But no coming within, hmm, let's say a ten-foot proximity to me – and no sneaky trying to murder me in various creative ways, either! That gets boring fast. I wouldn't advise killing your friend," he added, frowning, "but I guess you can do what you like! Free will and all that, huh?"

The response from the person in the shadows: an animalistic growl, deep and threatening, that almost seemed to shake the walls of the console room. Hex, having only just risen to his feet, took a startled step backwards, eyes wide.

Nobody seemed completely unfazed by this, but something terrible had just occurred to Hex. Dorothy. Oh no. He squinted into the darkness at the edge of the console. Luminescent yellow eyes stared back at him, but they were strangely familiar. "Oh my god. What did you do to her?"

"Would you believe me if I told you she did it to herself?" Nobody took in Hex's unconvinced, borderline-horrified expression, and then shrugged. "All right, don't believe me, then. I don't have time for this." He made a shooing motion at Hex, away from the console. "You kids go play now! And keep the noise down! I gotta get some work done."

Hex shot him another horrified, terrified look, but took a step away from the console, then another – each one bringing him closer and closer to the darkness and whatever lurked within.

"Ace?" he tried, cautiously.

A low, predatory hiss, and then nothing else.

Hex swallowed, hard, and edged into the shadows. It's only Ace, he reminded himself, Ace wouldn't hurt me. Not of her own accord, anyway – and that brought up some scenarios that he really didn't want to consider, thanks, traitorous brain.

"Ace, it's – it's Hex," he said, now fully out of the light emitted by the console. He chanced a glance at Nobody No-One, but it didn't look as if the Word Lord was paying him any attention. "I know things are, are really super bad right now, and you... well, you might not exactly be yourself... but –"

He felt something – fabric, maybe – brush past him roughly on his blind side, and he spun around just in time to see –

– red leather jacket, torn and ripped; hair spilling out of its once-neat braid, messy and tangled and roughly framing her face; face twisted into a snarl and those teeth aren't right –

– and all of this, caught in his mind like a freeze-frame, because seconds later (faster than he could process) he was flat on his back on the ground, gasping for breath and she was crouching on his chest, pinning him roughly but firmly there.

"Oh my god," he wheezed, struggling against her grip, "oh my god, oh my god..."

It had never been any secret that Ace was stronger than Hex, by a long way. He had seen her lifting amounts more than half her weight in the TARDIS gym with an ease and grace that was frankly terrifying. (He suspected that the Doctor was possibly even stronger, despite the Time Lord's diminutive size, but he and Ace hadn't agreed to that arm wrestling match he had been hinting at for a while, and all of that was pretty much beside the point at the moment.)

But even as strong as Ace was, this was something completely different – something insanely different. It wasn't just muscle that had helped her overpower him that quickly, there was an almost primal force behind her movements. And as quick as Ace sometimes tended to be, no human being should have been able to move that fast...

"McShane," he said, gasping in air when he could – her knee was pressed halfway against his throat, and it was getting more and more difficult to breathe with that on top of his complete and utter panic, "Ace – fuck! – what did he do to you, you're..."

She snarled in his face, teeth snapping tightly together inches from his face. He jerked abruptly backwards, pressing himself into the floor and trying to roll sideways, to move away from her. It didn't work – she had him completely trapped. From here, he could see the yellow tint that had overtaken her eyes and the catlike quality of her pupils, and how her teeth were far too sharp to have been natural, human ones. And then there were her nails, digging into the flesh of his hands. He couldn't see them, but like her teeth, they were far too sharp.

There was ink staining her skin almost everywhere – hands, face, neck, and it was in her hair and splashed across her jacket too. And Hex could tell she didn't recognize him at all. It was the look in her eyes – something that was almost hungry, and not at all in the way that he would have liked.

"I'd be careful if I were you," Hex heard Nobody calling merrily from across the console room, "she gets vicious when she's hungry."

Ace's head jerked up to stare at Nobody with that same yellow, disconcerting stare, and she glared at him sullenly for a second or two (evidently irritated of Nobody's order not to get anywhere near him) before returning to look at Hex for a couple of minutes – and he barely dared to breathe as she did. It felt like she was looking for something – maybe judging how delicious he would eventually be?

After a very long time, she moved, suddenly and violently – leaping off of Hex for only the barest second so she could flip him over in what almost seemed to be a predatory version of some sort of wrestling move. He ended up with his nose pressed painfully into the carpet of the CORDIS, which he could now see close-up was nothing like the TARDIS's equivalent. His left hand was caught beneath his body, and he was only now realizing how badly it hurt – spikes of pain were shooting up it and tears were forming in his eyes, although they might not have been just from his hand.

"Mmm, good meat," said Ace. Her voice wasn't quite right, almost a parody of its usual self. It sounded like she wasn't used to talking through the fangs that had found their way into her mouth. She resettled onto Hex's back, nails that were more like claws digging in fiercely – like a cat kneading its prey seconds before devouring it. The movements were deliberate, practiced. "Fresh meat," she added, close to his ear. He could hear a smile in it, but he knew it wasn't a friendly one. There was no doubt about it – this wasn't Ace anymore. Hex was going to die.

"Please," he whispered, not sure quite what he was begging for. His life? Her return to sanity? Both? "Ace – please..."

"Would you run?" she asked, quite suddenly, and when it became apparent that he was too stunned, too terrified to understand what she was saying. "If I free you, will you run from me?"

"I –" There was something about the situation that he was in that compelled him to be honest, so he tried his best. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know."

"I could tear your throat out right now," she hissed, breath ghosting across the back of his neck. "You would not resist. I can smell it on your flesh. You would not even fight."

He couldn't argue with that. "Ace – please. We're friends – you, you – oh god," he realized, in barely a whisper, "if the Doctor finds out that I let you kill me..." He was almost hyperventilating now, and his eyes were squeezed shut tightly, "he'll – he's gonna resurrect me just – just so he can murder me himself."

There was a long silence, in which Hex fully expected to die – instantly and messily.

But nothing happened.

He could still feel her hot breath on the back of her neck, and he was still pinned face-down on the carpet. But she wasn't moving.

He dared to open his eyes, and tried to turn his head slightly so he could look up at her. Incredibly, she allowed it to happen – even going as far as to move her hand from his shoulders so he could look up properly.

"Ace?" he asked after another second of silence.

"I – no." She sounded unsure. "I can't... I don't..." She broke off suddenly, and then – "– Doctor?" she asked, sounding almost like her normal self.

"The Doctor!" he exclaimed, delighted, she remembered – but not too loudly in case he startled her back into... well, into 'bite-y' mode. He met her eyes, but couldn't see any change there. "The Doctor – we travel with him, remember? He's... he wears that stupid hat, and carries a ridiculous black-and-red umbrella everywhere..."

She wasn't trying to kill him, which was definitely good, but she wasn't saying anything. He pressed on.

"You know, when we first met, back in the hospital that I worked at – with the Cybermen and everything? I'm pretty sure I'm still traumatized by that whole thing," he rambled, trying desperately to think of things to say that would hopefully trigger some sort of memory. "Hell of a meeting, that, and I can't believe I decided to come with you, I still don't know why I came, because you – you and the Doctor – you were really close and I was, well, I was me. And I can't believe you even let me come with you, and sometimes I don't know why I stay, because – because things tend to get bad real fast around here, and, and we get hurt sometimes; a lot of the time really, and – like now. Things are super bad now –" He was going in a bad direction here, and he desperately tried to swerve away from it. "– but, there's some good things too! Like, like..." Oh god. Were there any good times? Like, ever?"– that time we went to Monte Carlo to steal the Doctor's diamond, that was fun, right? We dressed up and you had a terrible accent, and we danced with those two other girls – and, and, um, when we landed in that snowfield on that Colony, and we started making snowmen, and the Doctor managed to dodge every snowball that we threw at him... somehow..." Maybe don't mention everything that happened afterwards though. "...and a couple weeks back, when we decided to play poker in the library, the Doctor won every round. He was definitely cheating," he added, momentarily distracted for what was going on by vague indignation, "and also I think you might have been too. There were far too many aces at the table that night. But I guess that's the Doctor for you..."

Her grip loosened even further, even though she hadn't quite let go of him yet. "...he... Professor?"

"Yeah," Hex agreed fervently, snatching at this, "the Professor, that's right. You call him that sometimes, and I never figured out why –"

"Three rules," she murmured. Her nails were no longer digging into his back, and she was now talking almost normally – the fangs and oddly-shaped teeth must have disappeared. But the yellow in her eyes was still there. "He... he told me. Ages ago. Three – rules?"

"Yeah?" Hex's fingers were crossed; he couldn't believe this was actually working. "What rules? What did he tell you? Ace?"

There was a very long silence where it seemed like neither of them were breathing, and then he heard Ace exhale. "One..." It seemed to take an eternity for her to say it. "...he's in charge..."

"Sounds about right," Hex muttered, and then, "what's next? What else did he say?"

"Two – he's the Doctor, not the – the Professor." Incredibly, a faint smile flashed across her face. It was almost fond. "And... three..."

The pause was longer this time.

"Ace?" he asked tentatively. "What was the third thing?"

"We never actually figured that one out," she said, and when he turned again to see her, the yellow had retreated fully from her eyes, leaving only the warm brown that they usually were behind. She was fully herself again, and she was smiling at him and her eyes might have even been a bit watery. "Hello, you."

"Ace," Hex said, relieved.

"Yeah," she said, "yeah, that's me. I'm back; I'm me again. But... oh, hell. Hex, I nearly killed you –"

"But you didn't," Hex said quickly, trying to reassure her, "everything's fine. Well – it's not fine, we're still in the CORDIS, and there's that lunatic god-guy-thing, and – well, I think he's trying to sell us or something, but..."

"Hex, you're rambling," Ace said rather fondly.

"Yeah," he said, "I know. Sorry. It's just stress, probably."

She laughed, and he felt, rather than saw her sigh again immediately afterwards. "God," she said. "This is a fucking mess."

"It usually is," he said.

"Yeah, but – more so than usual."

Hex was inclined to agree with her. He squirmed slightly; they were definitely having some sort of moment here, and he really didn't want to wreck it, but it was getting really difficult to breathe from where he was. "Ace, you're still sitting on my back."

To her credit, she immediately scrambled off, apologizing (which was definitely a rare thing from her) but he was still pretty sure that a couple of his ribs had been broken in the last few minutes. She offered him a hand, which he took, and hauled him to his feet with far more ease and balance then she should have had, given all the action that had just taken place.

"There we go," she said, grinning at him, and then, looking around at her surroundings, "wait, is this the TARDIS?"

"No," said Hex, but Ace was already shaking her head, having figured it out.

"No, it can't be – doesn't feel right, the smell's all wrong, and –" she froze, staring at Nobody No-One, still at the console, who she had apparently only just noticed the presence of. "Oh," she said, and it was very soft and very dangerous and for a moment Hex was seriously worried that she had grown fangs and yellow eyes once again.

Nobody turned briefly in their direction, and took in the scene – the two of them, next to each other, just out of the shadows, Ace's hand lightly resting on Hex's arm, Hex's other hand hovering almost protectively just over Ace's back – and he let out a soft, mocking coo. "Oh, so darling Dorothy's back. What a shame. I was just getting used to your fursona!"

"Listen, scumbag," Ace began acidly, but Nobody rolled his eyes and flicked his wrist, and Ace's mouth snapped shut instantly. Hex made a tiny, distressed noise, but Ace patted his hand and gave him a reassuring look tinged with annoyance – I'm fine. I want to punch him, but I'm fine.

"Wow, you're a lot more noisy when you're like this," he said. "Shut up for a while, will you? I need to get these co-ordinates right." He motioned to the two of them. "Seriously, go play outside for a while – or, well, not outside, but do whatever. And don't rough each other up too much this time," he added, turning away, "your dad will be furious."

And that, it seemed, was that. He was no longer even paying attention to them. Ace and Hex glanced at each other quickly.

"You're covered in ink," he said quietly, brushing a finger against some of it that had long since dried against the leather of her jacket.

Ace glanced down too, and almost looked surprised. And then she acquired the expression of one who was remembering something that she rather would not. "Yeah, that... was Nobody's." And apparently she could speak again, which was definitely a good thing. She grimaced. "I tried to stab him, I think. When I was... well. All cheetah, I guess."

Hex made a vague noise of agreement tinged with confusion.

"I'll explain later," she said, evidently aware of how many questions had been raised by the situation. "Seriously, I know I sound like the Doctor, but it's a really long, really weird story, and we don't have time for it right now."

Hex nodded his assent. "Speaking of the Doctor –" he started.

"Nobody said something about going to get him, to sell him with us."

"He told me basically the same thing."

Ace cast him a worried glance. "You don't think –"

"He would," said Hex, with complete certainty. "This guy's whacked, Ace, it's like – everything's a game to him. He says he's doing it for the money, but... I just don't know. Why would a guy like him even need money, I bet somebody out there, somewhere's said 'Nobody has an unlimited source of money'. And even if they haven't. I just have. He literally doesn't need to sell us. I –" he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Ace, I think he might be doing it because he thinks hunting us down is fun."

"Yeah," said Ace, "yeah. I think... you might be right."

There was a brief silence where neither of them really knew what to say, and then Hex blurted, "okay, look, I'm sorry if this isn't the time or whatever, but did he seriously just call the Doctor our dad?"

Ace stared at him incredulously. "You're right, Hex," she said, "it really isn't the time."

"But he did say that," Hex said. "Or implied it. Or whatever. Oh my god, the Doctor's not our dad. Is he?"

"God no, that would be weird," Ace said.

"I mean, probably not my dad," allowed Hex, "you're right, that's super weird to think about, but I think he might be your dad."

"My dad's probably dead, Thomas," Ace said, elbowing him. There was more than a bit of actual force behind it. "I haven't seen him for literal years."

Hex rubbed his side, wincing. But there was something so wonderfully normal about this conversation – the teasing, the arguing, the stupid hypotheticals. It was so regular for them that he almost felt like crying. "I never said he was your biological dad, just – like, your space dad. Or something. Space dad sounds about right, yeah?"

"He's not my space dad!" Ace protested. "He's not anybody's dad, he's – he's the Doctor!"

Hex cast an unimpressed sideways look in her direction. "I'd like to just remind you," he said, "of that time last week when you were complaining about breakfast and you told him you were hungry, and he looked you dead in the eyes and said 'hello, Hungry, I'm the Doctor'."

"Bad jokes do not a space father make, Hex."

"He owns a mug that says 'WORLD'S GREATEST TIME LORD'," Hex said. "He drinks out of it every morning."

"I know that," Ace said. "I gave it to him."

"Ace," said Hex, "you literally called him 'dad' last week."

"I did not," Ace protested, and then she paused. "...did I?"

"Yeah, you did," Hex said. "We were in the library. You were half-asleep, and the Doctor caught the book you were reading because you were about to drop it into your hot chocolate, and he told you to," he affected the Doctor's Scottish accent, probably badly, "'get some prrrroper sleep before you end up injuring yourself, and not just innocent books'. And then he kind of bopped your nose with the end of his umbrella. Although, I mean, he does that a lot anyway."

"And then I called him 'dad'?" Ace asked after a second, frowning.

"No, you told him to fuck off," said Hex. "But then he told you to mind your language, and you said 'sorry, dad', and I think you fell asleep after that."

Ace's mouth opened, and then shut, and then she crossed her arms somewhat defensively. "I don't remember this."

"Yeah, you probably wouldn't have," Hex said. "That was after Nocturne and all; you were kind of..." He trailed off. "You know."

Ace probably would have probed further into this, but it was about at this exact moment that Nobody pulled down a large lever on the CORDIS console with dramatic flair, and spun to face the two of them with his hands spread wide. "Well! What a nice, cozy reunion! Glad to see you're all caught up. I'm sure you're wondering," he added, "why I've brought us all here today."

"Not really, no," Ace said, with the most flatly disdainful look that Hex had ever seen come from her. "You're obviously about to sell us to – well, to whoever it is that you've decided to take up on their offer. The Daleks, was it? Or – ooh, Hex, imagine!" She nudged Hex, eyes going wide with faux-realization. "Maybe Premier Jaeger wants a piece of us!"

Nobody actually laughed at this, although it still sounded like shattering glass. "Wow, drama queen much?" He pouted in her direction, like a slighted schoolgirl. "And I thought I was the only one here. Nah, nothing like that."

"Are you planning to just kill us, then?" Hex asked.

Ace jabbed him hard in the side, which was pretty much par for the course when Ace was standing directly besides him. "Don't give him ideas!"

"Again, nothing so extravagant," Nobody said, rolling his eyes, "although, if you insist –" and the laser gun was back in his hands again, and pointing right at them.

"No!" Ace and Hex exclaimed in perfect unison, taking a step back together.

The gun vanished. "That's what I thought. No, actually, I'm trading you in."

"Trading?" Hex blurted. "What for?"

Again, the eye-roll, as if Hex was missing something vitally important. "For the legendary Blue-Eyes White Dragon, obviously. I feel like it's about time to d-d-d-d-duel, you get me?"

There was a moment of silence where the two humans just stared at him.

"No? Really? Wow. I thought that was pretty good." Nobody sighed, a touch sadly, although it didn't seem at all genuine. "For your information, I have taken up a deal that's going to allow me to exchange you two for the Doctor himself."

"You what," went Ace.

"The Doctor sent out a message some time ago to the general population of the universe," said Nobody No-One, sounding rather smug but also somewhat puzzled at the same time, "offering himself up in exchange for his two companions. How about that?"

Hex said aloud, startled, "he did what?" The two of them (well, mostly Hex) definitely weren't worth as much as the Doctor – to Hex, it sounded like a really inadequate tradeoff. What was the Doctor planning.

Ace's face twisted up in horror, and she muttered something along the lines of 'that idiot', as well as some choice curses that Hex really shouldn't have been able to understand.

Nobody grinned, apparently delighting in these reactions. "I figured that since all I have at the moment are a useless man-nurse and a violent furry that seems to be bent on breaking the sixth-dimensional laws of physics –"

"Hey," said Ace and Hex together, possibly objecting to either their own or the other's description, although it was hard to tell.

"– trading them for the universe's most wanted Time Lord seems like a pretty good deal, right?" Nobody finished, as if there had been no interruption, "

"For you maybe," Ace said mutinously, and at the same time Hex blurted, "you're just gonna let us go? Like that?"

"Well, providing he goes through it," Nobody said, raising an eyebrow and checking a scanner, "then yes. That's the general idea of a deal." He laughed explosively. "What, you think that just because I'm a godlike murderer with really great hair and unlimited weapon choice, I'm gonna try to double-cross him?"

"We'd be idiots if we didn't," Hex said flatly. Ace, beside him, nodded in agreement.

"I'm a Word Lord, Tommy – do you really think I'd go back on my word?" Nobody snorted. "'Sides, I don't think it's me double-crossing that you need to worry about."

Hex frowned. "What d'you mean?"

Nobody paused, halfway to reaching out towards a large pull-switch set into the side of the console. He spun around, scarf flaring out into geometrically impossible swirls and whorls. "Sorry, have you even met the Doctor before?" he asked incredulously, taking a step forwards as if to advance upon Hex – although he didn't actually move any closer. "People call me twisted, but the guy's practically got double-crosses and manipulations oozing out of his ears." He giggled suddenly. "You know what? I'd actually be disappointed if I found out he'd come into this situation with any less than four schemes and five backup plans."

"So, you don't expect him to give himself up?" Hex wondered, and then, "well, that does sound like the Doctor, I guess..."

Ace sighed. There wasn't any real weight to it, though. It was more like a simple, soft exhale of breath. "Hex, do you have any idea how a hostage situation works?"

Hex cast a glance at Nobody – who had lost attention in them once more, like a child lacking object permanence (but probably considerably more deadly when in the midst of a tantrum than a child would ever be) – and then said, more softly, "no, actually. I bet you're an expert, yeah?"

"Not exactly," Ace said, stepping back and matching his tone, "but I have been in my fair share of them, so I'd say I'm qualified to comment." A wry smile curved across her face, but quickly disappeared. "Listen. It's all about the double-crosses."

"I gathered that, thanks," Hex deadpanned.

"Yeah, but especially in situations like this, where neither side trusts the other – the important thing is to have as many double, triple, quadruple, and so on crosses as you can. They all add up, eventually – probably – and for the most part, whoever's got the most of them wins."

"Well, we're all right then," Hex said, with some amount of relief. "I bet you anything the Doctor's got exactly forty-five of 'em already, and then some. We'll be fine!"

"Mm." Ace looked worried. "Yeah."

"What is it, McShane?"

"Well... you know the Doctor. He's – well, all right, he's great, almost scary-great at making plans, but when it come to putting them into action..." She trailed off, wincing.

Hex's mind instantly and helpfully provided him with a vivid flashback to the whole Dark Husband, Shining Wife situation. He visibly and full-bodily shuddered, but was about to say something that would hopefully make Ace stop looking so grim about everything, when –

The entire CORDIS console room shuddered. Hex nearly lost his footing again, but Ace managed to catch him by the arm, steadying him.

"All right, kiddos!" Nobody said briskly, clapping his hands together and twirling on the spot twice. "Seatbelts, everyone! We're going on a field trip!"

Ace and Hex exchanged that look that only acquaintances of the Doctor really had to use as often as they did – the one that undeniably meant I really hope the Doctor knows what he's doing.

Nobody's hand shot to the switch on the console that Hex could recognize easily as the equivalent of the TARDIS's door switch, and his fingers wrapped tightly around it. Back came the disturbing grin – something between that of a shark's and something older and far more dangerous.

"We're off to see the wizard!" quipped the Word Lord –

– and pulled the switch down, hard.

Everything went white.