Somehow the story has gone off in a direction all its own. This was not at all what I had planned for this chapter. Let me know what you think!
mersan123 - IDEK. I was aiming for more hopeful bits but the sad stuff just keeps appearing!
Merlin looked up at the door when he heard footsteps approaching. He heard Gwen stop talking next to him. Arthur swept in, his heavy woolen cloak clutched tight around him. Merlin beamed at him and Arthur ruffled his hair as he walked past to stand close to the fire.
"What happened?" Morgana asked him from where she sat close to the bed.
"First snow. Training is over for the season and Leon couldn't be bloody bothered to send me a message! Everyone else has slept in!" Merlin looked towards the window. He wondered how much snow had fallen if it meant Arthur could no longer train.
Morgana chuckled at Arthur and Gwen knelt in front of Merlin. Arthur looked over curiously. Merlin held up his foot for Arthur to see, beaming widely. Arthur smiled and came closer, saying, "You made him boots?"
Gwen explained as she tied the laces on the other slipper. "Not quite. His feet are bound to be tender still but we thought, since you said he could start walking around more, and it really is getting very cold, especially where the stones aren't covered…"
Merlin giggled as Morgana interrupted her. "They are more like slippers. Gwen added some extra padding and lined the inside with soft fur. We were just about to let Merlin try walking in them." Merlin nodded excitedly at Arthur.
"Is his ankle still swollen?" Arthur asked. Merlin watched as he removed his cloak and dropped it on a nearby chair before coming to stand close to them. He pointed at the book in Morgana's lap. "What it that?"
Merlin shook his head. Gwen was looking at the wrong ankle. He giggled and pointed to his other ankle. She looked at it closely as Merlin wiggled his foot.
"It's called a book, Arthur." Merlin looked up in time to see Morgana smirk at Arthur. He wondered why Arthur didn't know about books. Even Merlin knew what a book was!
"Yes, yes. Very funny, Morgana. I meant, why did you bring it? You're meant to be keeping Merlin company, not ignoring him while you swoon about one of your stories."
Morgana sputtered indignantly. "I do not swoon!"
"His ankle appears normal, Sire." Gwen let go of his ankle and Merlin didn't wait. He slid off the bed, excited to try his new shoes. He wobbled precariously and Arthur caught him just before his legs gave out. He frowned down at his legs – had they forgotten how to walk? Arthur chuckled and Merlin looked up at him, still frowning.
"You have to take it slowly, Merlin. You've been in bed for more than a fortnight." Had it really been that long? Arthur settled him back on the bed. "You also need to wait until you are finished dressing."
Merlin looked down at himself. He was fully dressed already! Gwen had made him new trousers and a new tunic, both of which he already wore. They were warmer than the first set she made for him but not as soft as the sleep clothes. He wished she would have put sleeves on his tunic but he knew that until the bandages were gone it would be easier this way. He shivered a bit and looked up as Arthur took something from Morgana.
"It's going to get much colder now, Merlin. I made you this woolen shirt to keep you warm. Just like your shirt, it wraps around so that we can leave your arm bandaged." Morgana smiled kindly at him.
Arthur helped Merlin get his free arm into the sleeve (sleeves!) and wrapped the shirt around him. He tucked the unused sleeve inside and tied the shirt closed at his side. Merlin ran his hand over the material. It was much softer than anything he had ever owned. Suddenly, it was too much again. New clothes, so many new clothes, and now new shoes and an over shirt… why were they being so kind to him? Arthur knelt in front of him. "Don't worry about it, Merlin." He wiped Merlin's tears away. "We just want you to be warm." He winked at Merlin. "Besides, Morgana needs all the sewing practice she can get if she wants to get married! Don't be afraid to tell her the stitches are uneven! Hey!"
He giggled when Morgana smacked Arthur on the head. He wanted to say thank you like his mum used to tell him to do. He opened his mouth again, but no matter how much he struggled this time, his voice did not come. He looked at Arthur for help. Arthur picked him up and brought him close to Morgana and Gwen. "I think what Merlin is trying to say, is thank you. Am I right, Merlin?"
Merlin nodded. He leaned over and held out his hand to Morgana. He shook her hand and then did the same with Gwen who also patted his head. He wiggled until Arthur set him on the ground. He held on to his leg tightly as he tried standing. Arthur pulled a chair over and let Merlin brace himself on it. Carefully, he turned to face Arthur who knelt a few steps away and held out his hands. Still holding tightly to the chair, he took a small step and smiled with relief when his legs held him up. Morgana and Gwen cheered him on. He let go and slowly walked to Arthur. His legs still felt wobbly and his feet ached a little, but he smiled proudly up at Arthur when he walked by himself. Arthur caught his hands and smiled. "Slowly but surely you are getting stronger." He suddenly felt so happy, that without thinking, he jumped excitedly. His knees gave out and Arthur had to catch him but he laughed anyway. "I think that's enough for now. Have you girls eaten yet?"
Gwen brought breakfast and shyly joined them after Arthur exclaimed that he knew Morgana always insisted they ate together when no one was around. They spent the day together and Merlin thought that this was maybe the happiest day of his life. He wished he could spend every day with all of them.
Merlin put his shoes to good use and walked all around the room. After a few tries, he no longer had to hold on to anything. When he fell, Arthur stopped the girls from rushing to help and Merlin was glad. Even if he jostled something, he wanted to prove that he was getting stronger.
If he was stronger, maybe Arthur would take him outside. They wouldn't let him spend too much time at the window but he managed to catch a glimpse of the snow outside. There wasn't very much snow but it soon disappeared when it began to rain. He liked looking outside but it truly was cold out there.
When Arthur returned from his meeting with his father, he was unusually quiet. Merlin wondered what Arthur's father was like. He knew that Arthur and Morgana dined with him and they each had meetings with him. He wanted to ask about Arthur's mother too, because Arthur never mentioned her. Morgana never spoke about her parents either. He thought that Arthur and Morgana were siblings, they certainly acted like it, but she always addressed Arthur's father by name. He decided that it wasn't his place to ask about that.
Throughout dinner, Arthur answered shortly until Morgana lost her patience and told him to "spit it out already." Arthur only shook his head. "Later." Morgana ignored him for the rest of dinner and focused on talking to Gwen. Merlin kept glancing at Arthur. He wondered if Arthur was angry.
Emrys. Merlin startled and set his spoon down. Emrys. He wasn't hungry anymore. That voice kept calling and he ducked his head as he tried to ignore it. His concentration was broken when Morgana worriedly called his name. Emrys. He realized he was shaking. He didn't mean to worry her, but the compulsion to answer was getting stronger. Emrys. Before he could stop himself, he slid off his chair and leaned against Arthur's legs.
"What's wrong, Merlin?" Arthur asked as he picked him up. He settled Merlin in his lap and let him bury his face in his shirt. With Arthur's presence grounding him, the power of the voice diminished and he could breathe easily again. Eventually it stopped calling and he relaxed in Arthur's arms. Arthur was rubbing his back and… apologizing? Merlin looked up.
"I'm sorry, Merlin. I didn't mean to worry you or scare you." Confused, Merlin shook his head. He looked around and saw that Morgana and Gwen had stopped eating too. They must think he felt sad because Arthur was angry. He smiled shakily at all of them but Arthur didn't smile back. He felt Arthur take a deep breath.
"We received the first report from Gaius. He confirmed that the illness in the border villages was caused by magic. He has been able to keep many of them alive but hasn't found the cure yet. He sent most of the knights to stay with the remaining villages on Camelot's side of the border in case the mysterious man appears."
Merlin wasn't sure why Arthur thought this would scare Merlin. He worried for Gaius and the sick people, but he was safe here with Arthur. Morgana voiced the same question.
"Before he left, Gaius told me that this man claimed to be looking for his wife and son. It's possible that he is looking for Merlin and his mother." Merlin felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Could the mysterious man be Master? Arthur held him tighter. "We don't know for sure yet, Merlin. Perhaps someone is pursuing him and that's why the villages were targeted after he left. It could even be as simple as him being the carrier of the illness because he fled wherever the sickness started. At any rate, if he is looking for you, he doesn't know that you are here so you are safe."
Morgana and Gwen agreed with Arthur. They continued discussing the symptoms but all Gaius had revealed was that the villagers had all reported finding small amounts of blood in their ears. Arthur let Merlin sit with him while they finished dinner. He tried to coax Merlin to finish his soup but Merlin was too worried to be hungry anymore. What if Master was hurting those villages because of Merlin? Were they dying because of him? Like Arthur said, perhaps the mystery man was being followed and the follower was the bad person. What if the mystery man was one of his guards, Gwaine or Lance? Maybe they got away and were looking for him! The illness couldn't be their fault then – they wouldn't hurt people to find Merlin, not after leading away Master's men so Merlin and his mum could run away. He was distracted from his thoughts when Morgana and Gwen left.
Merlin was content to sit with Arthur but Arthur asked him if he wanted to go outside. He nodded excitedly. He knew it was cold but it had been so long since he had been allowed outside without being caged, chained, or chased. Arthur still looked serious as he rummaged through his wardrobe. He wrapped a blanket around him and carried Merlin through some hallways and up a long staircase.
The air was cold but oh so welcome on his face. He took a deep breath, not caring that it made his chest grind uncomfortably. It was no longer raining but the sky was still clouded and the moon hidden. They were up on one of the battlements and Merlin could see Camelot down below. He stared in wonder at all the lights from all the windows. Arthur set Merlin down, shook out another blanket and sat on one end of it. Without Arthur holding him, Merlin realized that it was very dark outside and he didn't like it. Arthur gestured for Merlin to join him but Merlin immediately crawled into his lap.
"Merlin, you're shaking! Are you cold?" Merlin shook his head. "Are you scared?" He nodded. "I meant what I said earlier, Merlin. You are safe here. I will protect you." Merlin trusted Arthur to protect him, but who would protect the people in the villages? Who would help Gwaine and Lance? What if Master was hurting them right now? If his mum was still alive, would anyone protect her?
"I like to come up here to think. Sometimes the castle feels too crowded and loud but up here, there's just me. And now you." Arthur held up Merlin's chin again. "I think it's time we talked about you, Merlin." Merlin really started to shake. He hated remembering about before. "We can stop if it gets to be too much, and I promise not to ask about when you were hurt, but there are things that I need to know. Do you trust me, Merlin?"
He didn't want to talk about before. What did Arthur want to ask him? He hesitated for a long time but Arthur wouldn't let him look away. Finally, he pulled away from Arthur and crawled back until he felt the wall at his back. "Merlin – "Arthur started as he tried reached for him, but Merlin looked away. He trusted Arthur but if he was going to have to remember… he couldn't bear the thought of Arthur holding him while he thought about Master. When he remembered, it made his stomach sour and his skin burned with phantom pains. He didn't want Arthur tied to those feelings or memories. Whenever Merlin got stuck in a dream or a memory, Arthur brought him back because Arthur was new, not tied to before in any way. As much as he longed for the comfort of Arthur's arms, he would have to wait until this was over. He pulled his knees close to hide his trembling and rest his chin down. Finally, he pulled his blanket tighter and nodded.
Arthur sighed and sat facing him. "The place that you escaped from, was it like Camelot? Was it a city?" He shook his head and shrugged. He hadn't been allowed outside and he was unconscious by the time they arrived the first time.
Arthur had that furrow in his brow again. "Were you in a castle?" He nodded. He thought that Arthur's castle was much nicer, but then again he hadn't been put in any dungeons here yet.
"Do you know where it was?" Shake.
"Were you born there?" Shake.
"Do you remember where you were born?" He shrugged. He remembered a small hut, and his mum, but nothing about the village itself.
"Do you remember how you got to the castle?" Nod. He remembered it too well. He tried to forget how the metal cage had burned him inside and out. He hid his face and hoped Arthur didn't ask about it.
When he peeked up, Arthur was watching him thoughtfully. "Did you go there willingly?" He shook his head as hard as he could.
"Was your mother taken too?" Nod. The cage hadn't hurt her. She had carried him so that the cage didn't keep hurting him.
"Were you taken anywhere else besides the castle?" Shake.
"Do you know who owned the castle?" Nod. Master owned the castle.
"Was it the same person that hurt you?" Nod. It had been mostly by Master's hand and always by his orders. He swallowed nervously. Now they were getting into the questions that led to bad memories.
"Was he a king, Merlin?" Nod. "Do you know his name?" Why did Arthur want to know this? Would he return Merlin once he knew that Master was important? He bit his lip to stop himself from crying. He nodded. "Is his name Cenred?" Arthur knew Master? The sobs escaped and he clutched his knees tighter. Arthur reached for him but Merlin jerked away. He was suddenly afraid that Arthur wouldn't help him anymore, not now that he knew Master was a king. What if he was Arthur's king? Could Master order Arthur to bring him back? He didn't want to go back. Arthur was going to have to catch him first. He stumbled up to try running but Arthur wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest. Please don't take me back! Please! I don't want to go back!
"I won't. I'm not. Merlin, I promised you. I promised. Calm down. Shhhh, don't cry. You're safe here. You're safe with me." Merlin curled up against Arthur. As he calmed down, he realized he was being silly. Camelot wouldn't have banned magic if it was part of Master's kingdom. Arthur had fought off Master's men to save him. But if Arthur wasn't going to take him back, why did he want to know everything? Arthur rubbed his back until Merlin uncurled and looked up.
"I just need to know what we are dealing with. I have met Cenred before and I never liked him." So Arthur did know Cenred? How? Why? "However, my personal feelings don't matter as long as he keeps the peace. I need to understand why he took you and what his plan is. Then I will know how to hide you and protect you from him. Do you know why he chose you?"
He nodded. He checked that they were still alone and let his magic rise until his eyes glowed.
"Because of your magic?" He nodded and pushed his magic down again.
"Does Cenred have other sorcerers working for him?" Nod. "Are there many of them?" He shrugged. He didn't know how many there were. Only that all of them, willing or not, were forced to wear the collars. If anyone disobeyed, like Merlin, then there were cuffs and chains too.
"Are they all young like you?" Shake. He pointed to himself. "Were you the youngest?" He nodded.
Arthur watched him, his brow furrowed. "Did he focus on you? Was there something different about his behavior with you compared to the others?" Merlin felt the shaking start again. Master wanted Merlin very specifically, only, he hadn't called him by his name.
Arthur didn't wait for an answer this time. "Merlin, did Cenred know that you are Emrys?"
Emrys.
His magic exploded. There was roaring in his ears. No… no, no, no! That's not his name. How did Arthur know that name? Did he want to use Emrys' power too?
He struggled out of Arthur's arms and tried to run. His legs gave out as the world tilted. Arthur reached for him. He was saying something but all Merlin could hear was thunder and roaring. Was Arthur going to hurt him now too? If he didn't use his magic for him, would he turn into Master?
He fell to the ground and his chest exploded in pain. He felt Arthur pick him up but all he could do now was whimper. He couldn't escape. He couldn't breathe! Why couldn't he breathe? He felt his mouth moving but no air came. His throat burned.
Arthur was running. All of a sudden the noise quietened and Merlin could hear someone screaming. That was his voice! His throat rasped with each word.
"No! That's not my name! I'm just Merlin! My name is Merlin!" Over and over again until the silence of the room sank in and his voice was scared away. His mouth kept moving but the words were gone. He could hear Arthur again.
"I'm sorry, Merlin. I'm sorry." Arthur rocked him until Merlin's breath came back and he ran out of tears. Outside, he could hear the storm lessening as he calmed. He tried to apologize again, to apologize for the storm but his voice was gone and Arthur only hushed him. "Let's get you to bed." He buried his face in Arthur's neck as they moved, not wanting to see where Arthur would take him.
Merlin opened his eyes and found that they were back in the room. There were no more questions but Merlin couldn't stop hiccupping. Arthur helped him change into his sleep shirt and trousers. He tried to help but his whole body felt weak again. Arthur laid him down while he readied the room and changed behind the screen. That put Merlin at ease again – Arthur wasn't acting at all like Master. Arthur brought him his medicine and helped Merlin drink it.
Once in bed, Arthur pulled him close. Merlin watched the candlelight flicker on his face. He sucked his thumb and let himself relax to the sound of Arthur's heartbeat. He was confused about everything that had happened and all the questions Arthur had asked. He knew there would be bad dreams tonight so he let himself soak in the comfort of Arthur's closeness.
Arthur's voice rumbled in his chest when he spoke. "Let me tell you a story, Merlin." Merlin listened as Arthur told him about a prince who grew up with everything he wanted. The prince believed he was ready to be king even though he was young. In his kingdom, magic was outlawed because the king believed all magic was evil. The prince believed this too and did many terrible things because of it. When the prince realized that it was not true he despaired for what he had done. At his worst moment, a druid saved him and showed him that there was hope. One day, the prince would be king himself and his actions then would matter more than his mistakes in the past. There was a prophecy about the prince. He would be a great king, they told him, and he would have help. Together, the once and future king and greatest warlock to ever live, would unite the lands. In this peaceful era, magic would be free and people would be judged for what they did with the magic. There would be many trials along the way, but as long as they worked together, they were destined to change the world for the better.
"But do you know what matters most about that prophecy, Merlin? To me, at least." He met Merlin's eyes. "That king and his warlock, their friendship was so great that it was said it would transcend even time. Their friendship would become the stuff of legends." Arthur rolled onto his side and tucked the covers around Merlin. "I am the once and future king."
Merlin startled a bit out of his drowsiness. Arthur was the prince from the story! His mind filled with so many more questions but he was already exhausted. He focused on what Arthur was saying now.
"The other half of my coin, the greatest warlock of all time, his name is Emrys. He is destined to be my dearest friend. I've been waiting to meet him. Do you know him, Merlin?"
Arthur was giving him the choice now. It meant the world to Merlin. Up until now, Emrys was an identity that had been pushed on him. If he believed Arthur's story, Emrys didn't sound so scary. Could it really be the truth?
He was tired of trying to figure out all the reasons and hidden motivations of every person around him. When Master had given him new clothes, there were immediate demands that followed. Gwen, Morgana, and Arthur… they gave and asked for nothing in return.
As for Emrys, Master called him a monster but Arthur called him a friend. Merlin wanted to be Arthur's friend. Arthur was different to Master – he didn't believe magic was evil and he didn't treat Merlin like a slave. Could Merlin trust him not to change like Master?
He looked into Arthur's eyes. Arthur was waiting patiently for his answer; he would not force Merlin to answer. Whatever he answered, Arthur would believe him, but if he really had been waiting to meet his friend then he would be sad. He didn't want Arthur to be sad. He wanted to tell Arthur the truth, but he wanted Arthur to know that he wasn't a monster. He tried to speak but his throat rasped and the coughs hurt his chest.
If his voice wouldn't work, then he had to use his magic. He let it flow from him and along the threads that connected him to Arthur. Arthur looked at them but didn't seem surprised. Merlin watched the golden threads glow for a moment and realized that maybe this was the proof of Arthur's story. His magic didn't just like Arthur, it was tied to Arthur somehow. Bound, but not by force like with Master.
I don't want to be a monster. Arthur's eyes jumped to his. He let out a sad laugh. "You are not a monster, Merlin."
How do you know? "I've fought plenty of real monsters. They don't worry about being monsters, they just are. You are not a monster." Merlin wanted to believe that.
Emrys – Master said he was too powerful, that he had too much magic. It would eat him up and make him evil. Arthur sighed. "It's not true, Merlin. Too much power can make a person lose themselves. The prophecy says that Emrys and I will change the world, not because we want power, but because we love our people. Cenred cares only for power, that's why he wanted to use your power to bring himself more power." Merlin wanted to be good. He desperately wished to be normal but his magic always made him different.
He called me Emrys. Mordred told him I was Emrys. But I never wanted power or magic! I just want to be Merlin. I just want to be your friend. Arthur hugged him close. "I will always be your friend, Merlin. You don't have to be scared. Iseldir explains it better than I but the point is this: magic is neither evil nor good, like a sword. It's what's in your heart that determines if you use it for good or evil. I try to use my sword for good. You can choose to use your magic for good too. Your heart is good, Merlin."
How do you know? "I know because I can see it. You have lived through some terrible times and that would be enough to make most people angry and hateful. I don't see hate in you. I see you worry about the people that helped you, about the people that you've met. You haven't used your magic for anything bad, only to help."
Merlin whimpered at that. I made the storm. Arthur chuckled. "Only after I panicked you. I can't blame you for that! No, Merlin, you are not evil, you are not bad. I know you don't believe it yet but you will with time. Once you really believe you are safe, you won't get so scared anymore and you will be able to control your magic."
Are you going to control it? Merlin realized he was holding his breath. Arthur pulled away and looked into his eyes. "Never. It's your magic, Merlin, and yours alone. I will help you as much as you want me to, but I cannot control it for you. No one can. Cenred was wrong to try."
Arthur sighed. "Tomorrow is a new day, Merlin. I think I have exhausted you with all this talk and you already had an exciting day with your new shoes. Rest now. I'll be here. I'll watch over you." Merlin curled closer to Arthur's warmth and let himself be lulled by Arthur's heart beating. Just before he drifted off, he used his magic to place the knight next to the candle.
He choked as he snapped awake. He felt movement beside him and he whimpered in fear.
"Merlin, it's me, Arthur. The candle must have gone out. Just a moment."
It was too dark. Too dark. It was suffocating him. He didn't know where he was. His mouth was sour with fear from the dreams that chased him into waking up.
Suddenly there was a light across the room and he could see Arthur reviving the fire before coming back to bed. He left the new candle on the stand close to Merlin, its light shining on the knight. It brought back the dream and he clutched at Arthur.
"Merlin, you're safe. Are you awake? You must have had a bad dream. It was just a bad dream." Merlin shook his head. It was a memory too. It was important. His magic responded to his need and connected him to Arthur. Edwin! It's Edwin.
Arthur looked confused. "Who is Edwin?"
The sick people. The mystery man. I think it's Edwin.
Arthur looked at him, his brow furrowed. "Why do you think this Edwin is involved? How do you know him?"
He – he belongs to Master too. Merlin felt scared telling Master's secrets, but if it was Edwin hurting those people, Arthur had to know. He has magic. He used to be a physician but he's not now. He likes to make people sick. He made Mum sick. There was blood in her ear.
Arthur's brow cleared and he stiffened, his grip on Merlin too strong for a moment. He let go as soon as Merlin whimpered. "We have to tell Gaius."