Brian
Learning From Mistakes
"Are you telling me I made a mistake?" Brian asks. He had just told Gordon his plans to grow medicinal herb from Earth and was excited about how quickly he was able to find and organize a way to complete the project.
Gordon turns away shaking his head. He turns and stares at Brian for a moment. "Seriously. You are going to grow herb where children are. You don't think that is a mistake?"
Brian glares at Gordon. "No, I don't and no one seems to think it a mistake, but you."
"You are so smart, you can organize and get people to do what you think is right with as much passion as yourself. However, just because you think that you are smarter than everyone else." Gordon shakes his head and looks at the wall for a moment. "Maybe, you are smarter than most, but you have to learn to rein yourself in." He grimaces, "This is likely not the place to have this conversation."
"I was just. . ." Brian's voice trails off and he stares blankly at the elevator; turning he looks to Gordon again. "Why is it wrong? It will help."
The elevator opens and they enter giving their destination. Nothing is said as they keep to their thoughts. For Brian his mind is churning as to why Gordon believes he has done wrong. Once they reach their destination they get out and walk quietly down the hall until they reach Gordon's room.
"What do you think you will gain from doing this?" Gordon asks.
"I...I think, I am helping the troopers." He doesn't understand why his friend can't realise why this is a good project. After all Gordon had shown Aloohula how to use the pipe.
"I want to know what you get out of this? Let me guess, a favor. You sure like to rack them up"
"Nothing, I mean nothing. I have made a decision since our last bonding to reach out to others. Especially, to someone like Aloohula who is in pain. Our devotion to Our Great Leader tells me that we need to embrace all of our people. Everyone."
"Do you actually work on being really complicated?"
Brian becomes agitated. "I am not complicated! I am me. Me." Then he snaps, "This is me."
Gordon shrugs and glances over to the wall for a moment. Then he turns and gives Brian a sad look. "You, are you. Except at home you had a group you trusted. You are great. No, one organizes like you. No, one thinks as fast as you. No, one can get people to embrace your passion and join you on whatever thing, is the thing to do. I know I have joined you on more than one escapade."
"Then what is this big deal?"
"When we were kids we had a group. You got your ideas and thought up how to do something, then you would ask the group if the idea was good. You gave the steps you had at the time to complete or begin the project. This time you asked no one." Gordon shakes his head, "You asked no one. There may not be many Downstairs, but there are children living there. They are Depol children, not Dahax or Whipelli. They don't understand herb and its effect, nor do they farm. Also, you will need a whole farm to get what you want. Think about it; it won't work. Your ability to manipulate to get you what you want; is amazing. Your enthusiasm is wonderful; your need to help is great, but it won't work. It will get you and everyone else involved in trouble. Do you really want to involve children? It only takes one to screw up."
"I spoke to Aloohula. He likes it and will work towards our goal. They can't keep taking arasth. It is hurting them and the work they are required to do. I am helping. I told only Anthony and he only knows Aloohula is going to plant something. All he and William want is for some device that this kid wants to setup. The thing is to go up and down magnetically or whatever. It is a goal that William would like Anthony to succeed at. He seems almost fatherly to the boy." Brian smiles he doesn't understand what Gordon is upset over. He has figured out everything. "See all is okay. The herb will be grown on this magnetic disk and out of the way of everyone."
"Have you?" Gordon gives Brian a stern look. "What happens when this William or Anthony want to show this magnetic disk platform."
"It is something to deal with later."
Gordon shakes his head again. "You grew up on a farm. Really think about it. You need a lot of area in order to grow and manipulate the Earth herb to a more medicinal type herb."
Brian begins pacing. "I didn't think about that. I can't believe I didn't think about that. There is no way to hide the amount we would need. Yes, a small space in the beginning." He hits his head twice on the wall. What an idiot I am. I grew up on a farm. I know exactly what is needed for step two and I truly had not thought it out. Great, I am an idiot. "What do I do? They are counting on me now."
"First, you need to let them know it can't happen. Second you really are smart and no one is better of just thinking stuff up. Think it up and shut it down. Your gift of manipulation and stirring up peoples' passion is awesome use that against them." Gordon sighs, "Lastly, form another group like when we were home. Those people who you can run your ideas past. People you know who will be honest and not be afraid to say something you don't like. Your smart, but even smart people need someone to say not likely, not going to happen or what is plan B."
"Your right." Brian frowns, "If we go further with this, it actually has to be a farm and I don't see that happening. I honestly didn't think about the Downstairs being children."
"I know, but you helped to raise your sisters after your mother died. You know how kids are. Also, remember we didn't seem to have a problem getting into trouble ourselves." Gordon walks over and places a hand on Brian's shoulder for a moment. "You, if you remember were one of the ones reining one or more of us in when we were being idiot teens." He laughs, "I remember once you were so frustrated with a few of us when we decided to build that ice house and built a fire in it and we closed the entrance. You were the one saying you did not have time to deal with us, because you had to take care of your sisters; and said you sure didn't have time or interest in taking care of a bunch of weird idiots. You then asked could we not see it was filling with smoke. We put the fire put out and the thing was so filled with smoke and then it collapsed. We were lucky we weren't in the silly thing. So, you see anyone can get way ahead of themselves as they think they know what they are doing."
"We were pretty young. Just stupid kids." Brian's mind drifts back to just before his mother had died. She had called him in and told him that for most of his life she was trying to ensure that he knew how to care for his sisters and his brother. He had failed his brother. He felt that it was his fault that Aanur'Lar had died. He should have gone with Aanur that day and maybe he would not have fallen to his death. Maybe he could have stopped him or checked the ropes to ensure they were okay. Aanur died and he should have been there instead of studying for some stupid test. Everyone said it was not his fault, but he can't seem to free himself from the guilt trip. Now what of his sisters? Were they okay? What of the Downstairs kids? What if they were idiots just like he and his friends were at their age. Was he trying to help Aloohula or was he trying to make the guilt of his brothers death go away. Life was a story for sure; and some life stories didn't seem to be that much fun. Guilt, everyone in control of your life, sadness and making nothing but mistakes; not a story most would want to read. If only he could make a real wish. I want to start over, my brother lives, I have control of my life, I find a way to stop my father from making the worse decision ever.
Gordon places his hand on Brian's shoulder one more time and then walks to his bed and sits down.
"Something has to happen for Aloohula. As for Anthony and William, I can still help them prepare some mini whatever floating disk."
"You mean the electromagnetic energy platform?" Gordon chuckles.
"Yes, I can help them with that. I will let them know that I need to work with my group of advisers and get back to them. I guess that means starting to put a group of. . .the keep Brian from getting in trouble group."
Gordon smiles and nods, "Yes. I think that is great. Giving this Downstairs a project may in the end, well be good. So yes, think about putting a group together. They can slap you down or give you ideas."
"You are the first to have an invitation to join my group of advisers." Brian remembers what Aloohula had said. "Yeah. I say we call it the Doing Our Own Thing."
"Doing our own thing?" Gordon stares up at the ceiling for a moment. "I like that. We really could be doing our own thing. Yes, I shall join."
"Well, except for our commitment to Our Great Leader. Everything must first be for him and his cause."
Gordon seems to hesitate for a moment. "You ever noticed that you say his cause, not yours. Not the first time."
Brian nods. "Yes, his cause, is our cause." He finds himself frowning. This little project had nothing to do with the Great One. Everything was to be for the Great One; even his own life was of little value. A hard shiver races up his spine. Why does he suddenly feel like he is not part of the great path their Leader has given them. However, there has always been this nagging thought at the back of his head; always knocking...you are not part. You are nothing. "I don't know. Why do I say that?"
"Sometimes, I feel like I am uncertain of things. Before our last bonding. Hate to admit this, but I did not want to be part of this." Gordon nods, "I am the idiot now; our very lives are and should be for Our Great Leader."
He turns away from his friend for a moment. "You are not saying that to make me feel better are you?"
"Bri, don't say anything to anyone about our comments, about our uncertainty of following the wisdom of Our Great Leader."
He finds he is holding his breath and suddenly is gasping for air. At one time his friends had stated they were becoming ill after a certain bonding. Not his last, but the one before he also had felt the illness. His thoughts drift about. When he thinks on it now, he had not moved up from Youth Corp to a team member of the Youth Corp to serve on the Earth project until after his friends. His friends had two bonding experiences before he had his first one. It was odd when he thought about it. This bonding was every forty days. However, until his last bonding experience; his last few bonding experiences had not left him with that happy feeling. In fact, he had begun to question why were they really here. Brian looks up to Gordon. "No, I won't say anything. However, I now have questions about why we are here. I am beginning to feel lost again."
"Thank you, I thought it was just me. Stay open to the conversations of our fellow Youth Corp members. Be interesting to see if it is all of us or just us Youth Leaders." Gordon is staring up at the ceiling once again. Suddenly he pulls out his device and looks at it. "I thought Shy was coming?"
Brian finds he is holding his breath again and again is gasping for air. "Sorry. I know I thought he should be here by now. Can't believe they are moving him once again to another ship." Giving Gordon a nod he says, "I will listen for any off comments by our fellow Youth Corp." Suddenly he goes back to another thought; this mornings dream. He finds himself gasping for air once again.
"Good," Gordon says and then winces. "Something wrong?"
"Do you remember I told you about my weird death dream?" He had not planned to say anything, but he feels like he must.
"Sure. If I remember you have had it more than once. Remember, it is just a dream."
"I know. Just weird, I saw my parents and brother; and at the time my father was not dead. The dream, I die. I know I am dead, this time when I had the dream it seemed so real. Again my mother as usual comes to me. I see my father and my brother, but not my sisters. Here is where it gets weird, I turn and I can see me. I am dead. It's all hazy, but I am dead. I know I am dead." He can't seem to make a complete statement, his mind is whirling. Once again he is gasping for air.
"Are you okay? Isn't that why you call it the death dream." Then Gordon touches Brian's shoulder.
"What?" Brian finds himself almost startled and again is trying to make himself breath. "You don't understand. I think, I died in great pain." He can't seem to let go of the dream. "Normally in my dream my mother is holding her hand out to me. Not this time, at first it is like she is holding her hand out to me like I have seen before. This time though I realize she really isn't holding her hand out to me to join them. My mother is waving for me to turn from the gate. The gate that is open and awaiting me to walk through to be with my family. This time what she has been wanting me to do is to turn around and I do. It is horrible I see my dead body; really see myself dead. Why would my mother want me to see myself dead and from what I see I know I died horribly?"
"It was a dream. Remember just a dream. You were likely your mothers favorite if you were to say she had a favorite. Anyway she would not want you to suffer."
There is a long moment of silence before he is able to push the memory away. However, he is left with why he thought of doing medicinal herb. "Aloohula, he is the reason for the whole plan I was making. His pain, his..."
The door opens and Shy walks in grinning and he responds. "Who has pain?"
Brian shrugs. "I guess I might as well tell you what I have been up to. Kind of kept it to myself and it has been pointed out I should have shared first." He then tells Shy about his plan to grow medicinal herb, but it had been pointed out that he could hurt others and this included children. The risk he was taking in the end may not even be possible to achieve for his goal.
"Wow!" Shy hesitates for a moment before speaking again. "I agree, put a group together just like when we were home. I like everything you want to do, but likely not going to work until more details are worked out. The superiors sadly see the Dahax as, well...disposable. The herb will help, but it needs to be the correct strain. However, the Dahax need to get off of arasth. The ranking officers have to see the problem for themselves."
Brian stares at him and speaks quickly. "No, you don't understand. You think they have to get off of arasth first? No, we need to have the herb to help them get off as arasth is highly addictive. It could take days for the need or desire to take arasth to go away. If no herb how do they do that?"
Shy pulls out the chair from the desk and sits directly in front of Gordon and Brian. "Let the superiors see it. Yeah, they will have points taken away and that bites. However, ranking officers can't really turn their heads away if they are forced to confront the problem. I have seen this before on the Boston ship I was first assigned to. The individual had points taken away and I was asked to work with him. I think they went right back to using it, but at least they tried. This time though; you put the group together and we'll find a way to make them see it through. Hopefully, with our help the troopers can then stay off of that crude. In fact, you don't know other ranking officers like Steven may know about this already and when it is put in their path. Well, then they may be forced to do something; that is if they want the troopers to do their job."
He groans. This problem is not his, but he feels like he is being dragged into it even further than before. "It is painful for them to wear..." Brian waves his hand in front of his face, "Falseness. You are saying they must feel pain and face possible arrest as well as have points taken away. Just in the hopes that change will happen."
"Yes." Shy shrugs. "I know of nothing else. Put a group together and ensure that one of the Dahax is in it. Make that decision. However, yeah stop the herb nonsense. Not saying it is not a good idea. Just needs a lot of work."
Gordon nods slowly and winces a bit. "I agree. Stop the herb garden plan at least for now. Let's work on helping them for real." He snorts, "Never thought I would be working on something like this. How to make troopers feel better."
Brian rubs his chin. He knows that Aloohula and his friends are currently smoking herb and that they will feel like this only benefits the Youth Corp. He stares at his two friends. They are not going to like what he is going to say next. He can't help the smirk that comes to his face. "There is one more thing we need to do. We, at least the Youth Leaders or at the very least this group I put together." He pauses for a moment. "No, more herb!"
"No, I didn't mean that. I need that time; I need the escape." Gordon glares at Brian, but then he sighs. "Yeah, your right though. A double standard tends not to work."
Shy frowns, "You are right about the double standard. However, I won't be here. As you know I am being transferred once again." He holds up a hand. "I wish George had been here. There is some sort of issues on the Houston ship. I have been asked to do what I do." They all laugh.
"Yes, you are the Youth Corp shrink." Gordon laughs.
"Shrink?" Both Shy and Brian say at once.
"I don't shrink people, I listen. Basically, I do what I have done most of my life. I just listen when people want to talk and ask a few questions." Shy says.
Gordon snorts and after a minute speaks up with the happy tone still in his voice. "Yeah, I heard that's what they call people who do what you do. I guess they are emotional doctors or whatever."
"Yeah, whatever. That has got to be the most used word in the Youth Corp. Whatever!" Brian says and the others join in. "Whatever, whatever, whatever."
"So we are in agreement. It is time for the troopers to come forward and we all and I mean all of us do what we can for them. Just remember, we may have a stripe; but most do not really consider us officers." Shy says sadly.
Brian remembers how he and Aloohula actually connected with the comment of him being a child. He shakes his head. "They call us children and we are even older than some. Has me thinking that maybe we are naive about certain aspects of our lives, even with all of the training we have had. I am going to stop smoking going forward or at least for now."
"Yeah, your roommate is going to like that." Gordon chuckles, Brian and Shy join him.
Nothing is said for sometime and then Brian turns to Shy. "I shall miss you friend, cousin, and member of the clan." He cocks his head to Gordon. "We should make up a new clan. Remember the name Gordon?"
Gordon stares at him and finally laughs. "The Clan of Doing Our Own Thing."
Shy frowns. "Seriously, no idea what you two are talking about." Then he smiles and nods, "I love it. Doing our own thing. Yes!"
"Please, try to stop smoking." Brian says quietly to Gordon.
"I need it. I have to because of the ugly job we are supposed to do, but I will. No, double standard."
Shy now turns to Gordon. "How do you think Aloohula feels. In a way he is part of the Twenty and Under gang. Sounds like he will be part of Brian's group of advisers to keep him out of hot water with all of his brilliant ideas." They turn and look at Brian.
"You said you would," Brian says as he gives Gordon a stern look.
"Let me finish what I have." He then sees the look of disappointment on Brian's face. "Okay, I quit. However, when we get home it is the first thing I am going to do."
"Seriously," Brian says. "I bet I beat you to the herb." Shy nods in agreement.
"I wish, I was going to be here. How are we going to communicate? We could be monitored." Shy says frowning as he speaks.
Brian begins to snap his teeth together and then suddenly. "My roommate. Kelly is a freaking hacker, I will see what he can do. In fact, maybe we should find a way of communication for our group. Something we can keep as our own."
There is a long pause as both Shy and Gordon continue to look at him. "Okay. I will talk to Aloohula. That is going to be the most difficult job. I am going to tell Javier I will no longer be going to Beautiful Smoke and that he will have to work with Gary again. Have a feeling Javier is not going to be happy, but Zelda should be."
"You should meet Zelda one day Shy. She is almost as snarky as Bri on his best snarky day." Gordon says lifting his brows up and down.
"I would like that. Maybe one day." Shy's face takes on a sad somber appearance. "I wish I didn't have to leave. My third transfer. I hate it. Maybe if I could have enough points taken away they would think less of me." He smiles, "You know they call it demerits on Earth. However, instead of taking points away they add them up. I think I need some demerits."
They talk for a bit and Brian lays out his plans on how to deal with the mistakes he has made. They discuss how to communicate with each other and who else should go into their new group. In the end Shy needs to leave and Brian and Gordon have their tasks as well. Walking to the elevator all is quiet, but before the door opens they look at each other. Shy says, "Here is to doing our own thing."
"Always," Brian says and wonders what would, doing our own thing, really mean. After all, his devotion and his friends were to the Great One. Did all of this really have a purpose except to help them get through the insanity of this ugly Earth project.
Shy gets off as he has reached his destination. Brian is going to miss his cousin. Nothing can replace family. However, now he has no mother, no father, no brother and possibly no sisters. Unless his family is right here; the very large family of Youth Corp. He smiles at the thought of his work family, the Twenty and Under family. His new family may be smaller though, more like a real family. He shrugs and mumbles, "Doing my own thing." A family made up of a trooper or two, maybe a few crew like his roommate and of course some of his Youth Corp teammates. What about Alex? Alex is still a mystery to him. Will be interesting who else may become part of his new family.
"Gordon, it seems like all I do is make mistakes. I do think, I am better or smarter or..." He snorts, "Whatever. But if all I make are mistakes, no matter how good I am of thinking up ways to do things. I mean how many mistakes can you make in life. If all you do is make mistakes in judgment." He turns to his friend. "When do mistakes stop being mistakes and become learning?"
His friend shakes his head, "You are learning. It just takes time. One day you will have a whole book in your head on how to deal with...with whatever."
"Yeah, whatever. Can't wait for my next mistake."