Arthur was bored stiff. He leaned on an elbow and wished for a window, or a hole in the wall, or just anything more interesting to look at than endless rows of books and scrolls. He couldn't even entertain himself by reading their titles since Geoffrey moved the desks out from between the stacks. He suppressed a sigh and let his eyes settle on Merlin at the desk next to him.
It still amazed him that Uther had gone as far as adopting Merlin as his own ward. Uther had not taken the responsibility lightly, and just as when Morgana had arrived, arrangements were swiftly made. Merlin now had his very own chambers, just down the hall from Arthur. That Merlin felt no inclination to use them had not fazed Uther at all. Arthur was grateful that Uther had not forced the issue. His father seemed to have sensed the depth of Merlin's dependence on Arthur and seemed willing to let it progress at Merlin's pace, at least for now. (He suspected Katrina was the encouraging force behind Uther's patience.) Merlin, afraid of the arrangement, asked Arthur if he wanted Merlin to leave and Arthur had been hard pressed to persuade Merlin he was welcome to stay. His new rooms, he explained, could wait until Merlin wanted them. (Someday you'll be sick of me, Merlin. Merlin had shaken his head, wide-eyed, and hugged him tightly.) Still, the chambers were prepared and the key given to Merlin who hid it away wherever he hid his precious knight.
Arthur found it amusing that the chess piece which had once been so precious to him was now so precious to Merlin. He also found it amusing, and equally depressing, that Merlin had not shown the same regard to his new toys. These were toys which Uther himself had commissioned for Merlin based on Merlin's fascination with animals. (Again, Arthur was sure Katrina was behind the observation.) Merlin seemed baffled by the figurines. He touched them gingerly, as if afraid of them. Arthur had watched as Merlin lined them up carefully against a wall, then sat and merely studied them. It had been painful to watch. Despite his attempts to show Merlin how to play with them, Arthur was sure that Merlin didn't feel comfortable playing with toys. All he accomplished was that Merlin named each toy. The only hint that Merlin ever touched them was that occasionally Arthur found the figures grouped together in small circles, as if they had come together for a meeting. Sometimes he found clusters all around the room, near the fire, or on the window sills. It made him smile and he was sure the maids found it cute. Their gossip had brought Gwen and Morgana rushing over to see for themselves. Nobody ever disturbed the figures unless it was necessary in which case they always made sure to place them back as they had been found. If a single figurine was left alone, Merlin always seemed to know and would anxiously hurry to add it to a group. Privately, Arthur wondered at the significance of the peculiar habit.
He also noted that Merlin's behavior changed depending on his outfit. The finer the clothing, the more still and withdrawn Merlin became. Merlin's wardrobe had expanded, yet again, though this time it was at the hands of the castle seamstresses under Uther's orders. Given the choice, Merlin preferred the simple outfits and became tense whenever he was dressed in nicer clothing. It came to a head when Merlin had a panic attack after staining a particularly nice shirt with ink. It had taken a while for Arthur to reason out Merlin's behavior and settled the matter by letting Merlin choose his outfits. After explaining that he would not be punished for dirtying his clothing, Arthur asked Gwen to take Merlin down to meet the laundresses. They jumped at the chance to meet Merlin and reassured him eagerly that everyone's clothes became dirty. (You should have seen his face, Sire! They even showed him one of Uther's shirts with a large wine stain down the front. They had him laughing in no time!)
Told of Merlin's reception in the laundry, Morgana had enthusiastically planned to parade Merlin in front of the seamstresses in all his new outfits until Arthur put a stop to it. He didn't think Merlin would take well to being repeatedly dressed and undressed in front of strangers. After all, Merlin was still reluctant to let anyone but Arthur help him wash or dress. She did, however, manage to get Merlin to thank them in person (something Arthur himself had never done) which seemed to have won over the hearts of the seamstresses. Even if all he did was offer a shy wave from behind Morgana's skirts. The same shy greeting completely charmed the cooks in the castle kitchens.
As well as the maids. And stable hands. And the knights.
In fact, Merlin seemed to have the whole castle eating out of his hand. After the announcement, there had been a few tense days where it seemed like everyone was trying to catch a glimpse of the King's new ward. Merlin didn't seem to know what to do with that attention and quickly became frightened, which only spurred further cooing and fawning. At a loss for a solution, Arthur enlisted Morgana's help and she set mentioned it to Gwen. Without hesitation, Gwen swept around the castle and word soon spread that little Merlin was terribly shy and afraid. Servants finally stopped staring openly (though Arthur noted that there still seemed to be an unusual concentration of chores in Merlin's general vicinity) and Merlin gradually began venturing out of his shell. He was intensely curious and, seeing an opening, Arthur encouraged everyone to respond to him. Though Merlin never spoke to anyone, his eyes and face were expressive enough to communicate his questions and sincerity. Servants everywhere paused their chores to address Merlin's interest, and seemed happier for it. Merlin only ever approached a single person at a time, but with Morgana's encouragement he would greet clusters of servants with his shy waves and smiles. (Arthur was sure Morgana enjoyed the attention more than Merlin.) Even the roughest of knights were powerless in the face of such open innocence and curiosity. Leon and Arthur had watched, astounded, as Sir Dionard – the oldest of the knights –let Merlin hold his beloved lances while he relayed stories of boar hunts to the boy. Dionard had even remarked that he was glad to finally meet someone who appreciated his stories. Leon and Arthur had had to pick up their jaws from the floor. Arthur himself had not received that kind of attention from a knight even as a squire! (Never mind that he had fled any time there was a hint of an oncoming story.)
Even Merlin's tutors were not immune to his charms. Where Arthur (and Morgana) had openly resisted the boring lessons, Merlin showed equal enthusiasm to all of them. Uther had taken Merlin's reading and writing abilities as a sign of advanced education and enlisted several tutors to handle Merlin's education. Merlin listened attentively to all of them and enthusiastically completed assignments. Initially thrown by Merlin's silence, each tutor had developed their own way of measuring Merlin's understanding and engaging his participation. Despite their efforts, during the first few days Arthur too, had been called in to help. It was clear that whatever lessons Merlin had attended before had been marked by strict and painful discipline. It took some time for Merlin to believe Camelot was different and he still did not completely trust that his tutors would not hurt him when Arthur was not present. Uther had seized this as an opportunity and enrolled Arthur in the more advanced lessons as well. (If it makes Merlin more comfortable, I see no harm in your presence. At least for the rest of the season, you have few obligations on your time so we may as well put it to good use. Besides, you are going to be king one day, Arthur. It will be good for you to review finer points of Camelot's laws and histories.) Arthur had been determined to show that he didn't need to review the finer points of Camelot's laws and histories but much to his own embarrassment, Merlin had corrected quite a few of his answers on their assignment. In the end, Arthur was just glad he was spared further attention on his arithmetic, and resigned himself to his studies.
Which was why he was here, now, in Geoffrey's dusty library (dungeon, more like) sitting on the world's most uncomfortable chair, and listening to the world's most toneless drone about –
"Arthur, were you listening to a single word I said?"
Arthur sat up and guiltily glanced at Merlin who was biting his lip to keep from smiling. "Yes, yes, of course."
Geoffrey eyed him flatly. "Oh, really? Then tell me, what does the law say about the division of land between the sons and daughters of a nobleman?"
"Er, well…" To Arthur's eternal relief, Merlin replayed his memory of the relevant lecture. With an innocently confused expression, he said "Is that a trick question? You just said the land is to be divided amongst the male heirs."
Geoffrey eyed both of them suspiciously, confused by Arthur's correct answer when his inattention had been so obvious. Narrowing his eyes he said, "Do try to remember, Sire, that you are setting an example for young master Merlin."
Arthur resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Well, it seems to me, that young master Merlin is looking quite tired. You have covered quite a number of topics today, as did Lord Braithwaite before you. Surely, he has earned a respite?"
Arthur held Geoffrey's gaze and studiously avoided looking at Merlin. Merlin was bound to be indignant (he hated drawing attention to any weakness), but Arthur would die if he had to sit down here any longer. He stared into Geoffrey's eyes, willing the man to end the lesson.
Geoffrey finally harrumphed and dismissed them with a short assignment. Not needing to be told twice, Arthur scooped up Merlin and made his escape.
Merlin wriggled in his arms. Arthur let him down at the base of the stairs. Merlin was frowning and Arthur could tell from his aborted motions that he wanted to cross his arms. Why did you do that?
Arthur held out his hand and sighed when Merlin didn't take it. "It is too beautiful a day to waste another moment in that windowless… room." He had very nearly called it a dungeon but that was not a word said lightly around Merlin. "He would never let us out early unless his star pupil required it."
Merlin looked down and shuffled uncomfortably. Arthur took his hand. "Merlin, you are the best student any Camelot tutor has ever had, but you are also a child. You need to enjoy your childhood and I will do anything to ensure it. That includes getting you out of lessons early so we can play in the snow outside."
That made Merlin smile, just as Arthur knew it would. It was a shame that Merlin's recovery coincided with the arrival of deep winter because Arthur knew how much Merlin longed to be outside. It was why he persuaded Sir Caradoc into giving Merlin riding lessons, despite the winter storms. Leon, Morgana, and Gwen also made excuses to take Merlin out. It ensured that at least once a day, regardless of Arthur's schedule, Merlin was guaranteed some outdoor time. It was never for long, besides the weather making it impractical, they were all careful of Merlin's health. Despite the risks, their efforts were easily validated by Merlin's happiness.
Can we build snow forts again? Merlin was beaming up at him. Arthur gently tugged him up the stairs. "Of course! Although if it collapses on me again, you have to promise to dig me out!"
That was your fault! You were too big!
"How else was I supposed to hide from Leon? Or did you plan to leave me outside as bait?"
Arthur reveled in Merlin's giggles as they walked through the castle. Merlin laughed more often now, and more freely. It was infectious and addictive. Any person that heard Merlin laugh seemed compelled to make him laugh again. Arthur considered it to be indicative of Merlin's development.
After a quick lunch, Arthur kept his promise and played with Merlin in the snow. He lost track of time and they were interrupted by Caradoc's disgruntled throat-clearing when it came time for Merlin's equestrian lesson. Leon stood behind him, hiding a smile unsuccessfully.
Arthur invited Leon to join him in the stables while Caradoc helped Merlin saddle his pony. Leon brought his own horse, Veilantiff, to the same stall where Arthur was brushing young Llamrei. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Leon spoke quietly. "Merlin is looking a lot better."
Arthur smiled. "Yes, he has healed wonderfully." Arthur would never forget Merlin's injuries and emaciation but seeing Merlin grow healthy kept the memories at bay. Though Merlin was still worryingly thin, he was no longer emaciated. Between Gaius' recommendations and the cooks' fondness for Merlin, the meals brought to them were always equally delicious and nutritious, and supplementary snacks found their way to Merlin wherever he was. Gone were the sunken cheeks, replaced with dimpled smiles. Even his scars seemed to be disappearing, the raised, angry tissue fading into faint silvery marks. Leon was aware of all of it, however, so Arthur wondered at the question.
"In mind as well as body?" Leon added.
Arthur glanced at Leon but Leon was focused on rubbing down his horse. He watched them for a moment, reading the action for what it was: Leon thanking Veilantiff for carrying him through another rough patrol. With the ranks depleted for the season, Leon volunteered for patrols often. Normally Arthur would do the same but this season he had Merlin to think about. Moreover, Leon encouraged him to stay, taking the increased burden of patrols without hesitation or complaint. Arthur admired him for it, but it was this respectful treatment of his horse that reminded Arthur to appreciate what he often took for granted.
Llamrei jealously tugged on his sleeve, as if to reinforce the thought, and Arthur dutifully resumed brushing her. "He sleeps through most nights now and his flashbacks are not so easily triggered."
Leon nodded but did not speak. Though he was focused on his task, Arthur could tell Leon was waiting to hear more. Arthur told him about Merlin's progress in lessons. When Leon still did not respond, Arthur told him about Merlin's encounters with various servants and the curious toy groupings.
Finally, Leon spoke. "You have something on your mind. What is it?"
Trust Leon to hear the unspoken concern. Arthur brushed silently for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts. "His nightmares still seem quite potent."
Leon met his eyes, searching his expression. Arthur added, "He settles quickly, but it is difficult to wake him, especially from certain dreams. He won't tell me about them, but from his reactions there are two main types of night terrors. Those where he is being hurt or threatened, and those where…" He trailed off, not wanting to say it.
Leon seemed to understand anyway. "Where he remembers the other abuse?"
Arthur nodded. "Those are the worst. He doesn't beg, Leon. He doesn't plead like he does in the other dreams. He just whimpers and trembles. He goes cold and stiff, so stiff he shakes with it. That is what wakes me. When I try to wake him… I think I make it worse." The words tumbled from him, his internalized fear finally voiced.
Leon stopped and turned to face Arthur. "How so?"
Arthur waited as Caradoc and Merlin passed their stall on their way to the corral outside. Having finished with the indoor portion of the lesson, Caradoc let Merlin ride in the small corral for a short period.
Llamrei pressed closer to him and Arthur briefly wondered if she understood the conversation too. Did she sense his concern? Was she trying to offer him comfort? He played with her mane. "In the moments before he wakes up, before he realizes where he is, if I touch him he…"
"He fights you?"
Arthur shook his head and continued, "He goes completely lax. He cries - not like any other child would cry - just silent tears as though he has given up all hope and is resigned to his fate. It lingers for a moment, even after he recognizes me… almost as if he believes I will hurt him the same way and is just waiting for it to happen." He took a steadying breath.
Leon stepped up to Arthur and placed a kind hand on his shoulder. "We cannot even begin to understand what it means to be hurt in such a way, Arthur. Merlin himself probably cannot fully understand what has happened to him, he is so young. That kind of violation can break even an adult on the first instance and Merlin was forced to experience it repeatedly. It left him with only one certainty – that it would continue to happen and he was powerless to stop it. The result is the reaction you see."
Arthur understood that. He fidgeted with Llamrei's mane as he tried to find the words to clarify. "Sometimes it happens during the day, if I don't keep him occupied, like a waking dream. When I approach him then, he has the same reaction. I almost wish he would flinch instead. That would be more bearable than –"
Leon shook him suddenly and Arthur looked up in surprise. "Arthur, you cannot take it to heart. Merlin's reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the way Cenred ground him down until he broke Merlin's will to fight." Leon's grip tightened and then loosened. "I used to think that you were too young to take on this burden. You have never been a father, nor had a friend so young or broken. Still, you have been steadfast in caring for Merlin and I know now, that you can do this. You earned his trust. You protected him. You are showing him that he is in a better place, a safer place. Do not lose your courage now, Arthur, not when you have brought Merlin so far. Draw strength from your progress."
Arthur shook his head and willed his eyes to remain clear. This was not how he had imagined the conversation. Voicing this, he felt like he was stealing attention away from Merlin and diminishing the significance of his improvement, but his doubts had festered. It worsened when Merlin looked at him, resigned to a fate that Arthur would never force on him. It hurt more than he was able to say. He had no outlet for that hurt, no outlet for the fear that he wouldn't be able to keep helping Merlin. "What progress, Leon? He still has flashbacks. He still fears being touched. He cannot sleep without a candle and he is afraid of speaking! He's even afraid of his ma-"
Leon shook him again and gripped him by both shoulders when Arthur tried to twist away. "Arthur, you cannot expect Merlin to overcome all of his fears so quickly! Think of all the time and pain that went into establishing them in the first place! It will take time for him to believe he is truly safe, time for him to understand his fears, and time for him to change his behavior, but he is willing to try. The least you can do is match his courage! Do not be overwhelmed. Look at how much you have already accomplished! You just said Merlin sleeps through most nights now. A month ago, he woke three or more times in a single hour. Who made that possible? He feels afraid in new or uncertain situations, but he no longer gets sick or panics to the point of collapse. Now, he simply holds tightly to your hand and steps forward to meet them. Your hand," Leon emphasized. "When he first arrived he could not bear anyone's touch, not even yours. Now he holds hands with all of us – but there is only one person he trusts to bathe and dress him!"
Arthur couldn't answer past the lump in his throat.
Leon continued, gently now. "Who was the first person Merlin trusted to communicate with, out loud or otherwise? Merlin may not speak out loud, but his actions speak clearly. It's obvious to everyone around you. He is not afraid of you; he has absolute trust in you, Arthur. Not because you are his master, not because you are his guardian, but because you have proven yourself worthy of it." Leon embraced him and Arthur suddenly felt like a boy again.
As much as he wanted to prove himself a man, he was still sixteen and sometimes he needed confirmation that he was doing the right thing. Uther sometimes admitted confidence in Arthur, but it was Leon and Gaius that reliably bolstered him when Arthur's own confidence failed. In this instance, Arthur had been too afraid to reveal his doubts to Gaius lest Gaius deem him incapable of helping Merlin further. Leon, he knew, would simply push him to face his fear and help him find a way to work through it. Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose to stop the stinging in his eyes and forced himself to believe Leon's words.
Leon drew him upright. "Think of this as a training exercise. When you first learn a new skill, you progress in leaps and bounds, until what?"
Arthur rolled his eyes and swallowed. "The plateau."
"Right. How do you get past a plateau?"
"You train harder?" Leon lightly smacked him on the shoulder and Arthur laughed despite himself. "You try something different until you break through."
"That's right. This is a plateau, Arthur, but it's not your plateau. All you have to do is encourage Merlin to try something new, until you see progress again."
Arthur was still reeling from the conversation too much to work with such a simple conclusion. He stalled to rally himself. "Like what?"
Leon was still studying him closely. "Well, it seems to me that there is one thing in particular that is most affecting you both: the resignation reaction you described."
Arthur nodded. The sting was already lessening. "How do we break it?"
Leon walked back to his horse and began brushing. "First, you need to determine why he does it. It may be a coping mechanism; he withdraws from a painful experience to shelter his mind. Or it may be a conditioned reaction that Cenred developed."
Arthur scratched Llamrei's chin thoughtfully. "He seems aware in those moments, and from what he has shown me, Cenred enjoyed Merlin's distress. It's likely not a reaction Cenred would encourage."
In the silence, Arthur could hear Caradoc guiding Merlin outside. He continued, voicing his thoughts as they formed, "I think you were right before. Merlin felt powerless to stop it. His – abilities – were locked away and he was most likely injured and weak." He was sure of it now, that this was the root of the problem.
Leon finally set down his brush. "Then you need to empower him. Show him that he is not as powerless as he believes."
Arthur nodded, already thinking of ways to accomplish just that. Merlin himself had tried to ask, back when Arthur had explained how he was able to fight against older, more experienced knights. He had missed the opportunity then because he had not been looking for it. It would not happen again. He had to show Merlin that he could fight back.
He realized Leon was watching him smugly and was about to gripe about it when Merlin came rushing in. He ran straight to Arthur and wrapped himself tightly about his leg, bouncing and beaming brightly. Arthur ruffled his hair. "Good lesson, was it, Merlin?"
Caradoc followed in a much more dignified manner and paused just long enough to gruffly say, "He's landed his first jump already." He added much more quietly, "Damn near landed on my foot though."
Arthur and Leon both struggled not to laugh when they saw the snow still stuck to Caradoc's backside.
Leon took his leave to rest. Arthur led Merlin back to his room just in time to meet a kitchen servant arriving with hot cider. Really, Arthur was starting to suspect that the head cook was having them watched or had somehow kept abreast of Merlin's lesson schedule just to ensure he never went hungry. She had certainly never shown such consideration for him, nor Morgana!
Once again within the safe space of Arthur's room, Merlin's inhibitions fell away. He skipped his way across the room to warm up by the fire. Arthur realized that he hadn't had to tend to the fire in ages, at least not during the day. It was always freshly stoked when he returned to his rooms. In fact, everything in his room was always ready when he returned to it.
He ignored the tiny part of himself that was jealous and firmly focused on feeling proud of the castle staff. Winter was a difficult season for them; the weather doubled their work and made it as miserable as possible. Yet here was evidence of them willingly enduring it for the sake of a little boy. He chuckled to himself – he couldn't give in to his doubts in the face of this kind of dedication.
Merlin skipped over to sniff the cider curiously. Arthur deliberately didn't meet his eyes when Merlin glanced at him, pretending to be absorbed in thought as he sipped from his own mug. Merlin chewed his lower lip, torn between his ingrained need for permission and his desire to drink the treat before him. Arthur continued to ignore Merlin's dilemma. Since the dinner with Uther, he hadn't consciously made any attempt to break Merlin's habit of asking permission before every action. Maybe it was time he pushed Merlin a little.
Merlin hesitantly reached for the mug and leaned in to smell it again. With another pleading glance at Arthur, Merlin pulled the mug closer. When Arthur didn't react, Merlin took a small sip. Arthur finally looked at him, ignored the twitch of Merlin's fear, and smiled. "Is it good, Merlin?" he asked gently.
Merlin's tension faded away and he smiled as he nodded, looking relieved. Yes, Arthur thought, this is the first step. He had to show Merlin that he had the power of choice and that he did not have to wait for permission for every action. He would have to talk to everyone to ensure that they acted similarly. In Arthur's presence, Merlin always looked to Arthur first, but he didn't doubt that Merlin still asked for permission in Arthur's absence.
Arthur checked the time. They had just enough time to warm up before they were expected at Merlin's next lesson. He winced inwardly. Magic lessons were the single exception to Merlin's enthusiasm. That in itself was not particularly problematic, but Arthur's attention was divided with several other concerns.
First, there was the issue of Morgana's involvement in the lessons. While Arthur had accepted her unconditionally, (You are my sister, Morgana. Magic or not.), Morgana was still terrified by the possibility of Uther discovering her. The terror, Arthur had realized, was just as crippling as Merlin's terrors. It had ruled over her life since she grew into her power but Arthur had never seen Morgana as vulnerable as on the day she confessed her magic to him.
(Do you truly mean what you said about Merlin's magic? That not all magic is evil? That you would protect him, even from Uther?
Of course I meant it. I know not all magic is evil and until I can prove it, I will protect those who need it.
How do you know? How can you be sure someone is not evil?
You are not evil, Morgana.)
Now that Arthur knew what to look for, it was clear that her infamous rage reactions stemmed from her fear. When Morgana first arrived, he had provoked her endlessly, doing anything possible to break her out of her depression. Over the years, he became a kind of sounding board, someone Morgana could vent on safely. Still, he had never seen Morgana as angry as when he told her that he told Gaius about her magic. (It's not your secret to tell!) Recognizing that her fury was all that protected her from collapsing with fear, Arthur let her rage, only objecting when it scared Merlin. They needed Gaius' help. While Merlin was desperately sealing away his magic, Morgana's power defied her control; the contrast between the two was driving Arthur mad.
It seemed simple to Arthur. They needed a teacher. Gaius could teach them. Arthur could make sure they were undisturbed, that much at least was well within his capacity. After some coaxing, Morgana agreed to try and Arthur concentrated on the necessary arrangements. With Gwen's help, they discreetly developed an alarm system. Gwen sat on the landing at the bottom of the stairs, dutifully occupied with simple chores for the duration of the lesson. While they practiced magic, Arthur helped Gaius and set up several stations to make it look as if several tasks were being worked on. If someone entered, Gwen tugged on a line that ran up the stairs and into Gaius' chambers to ring a bell. The lessons were practiced in the back room and when the bell rang, they sealed it and assembled in the main chamber around the stations Arthur prepared. This maintained the illusion that the lessons were focused on herbs and healing.
It was so simple, it was beautiful.
Not so easy to solve was the question of getting Morgana and Merlin to practice. For Morgana the primary goal was to learn control. Gaius had her meditating and trying to consciously manipulate her magic. Morgana resisted, more often than not her magic lashed out wildly and she was afraid of it. However, after several meditation sessions she was partially successful in reining it in and she was (slightly) less combative about attending.
Merlin, on the other hand, was making zero progress. Gaius' first priority was to test Merlin's knowledge. Merlin absolutely refused to show Gaius what he knew and refused to explain why, even to Arthur. After the first few questions, Merlin simply meditated and ignored them. Every day he sat quietly in a corner and meditated for the duration of the lesson. Arthur was surprised by the quiet resistance. It was the only hint of rebellion Merlin had ever given. It made him secretly proud, despite the annoyance of the situation. If there was any progress to mention it was that at the last session, Arthur noticed that Merlin carefully paid attention to Gaius' instructions to Morgana.
After that lesson, Arthur had narrowed down his list of suspected reasons. Merlin was aware now that he would not be punished for mistakes in lessons, so it stood to reason that fear of punishment was not a contributing factor. He didn't seem to fear being forced to answer, although perhaps he was simply resigned to the consequences. From Merlin's memories and Edwin's ramblings, Arthur could infer that Merlin had been subjected to some magical education. That coupled with Merlin's eagerness in other, new, lessons meant that Merlin was not holding back for fear of ignorance.
I don't want to be a monster. It was Arthur's most significant clue. Whatever Merlin had learned, had been forced to practice with his magic, he thought it made him a monster. He planned to tell Gaius today. Between the two of them, they might be able to get Merlin to cooperate.
Arthur?
Arthur snapped out of his thoughts and found Merlin standing hesitantly in front of him. "What is it, Merlin?"
Merlin was looking at him with open concern. He stared for a minute before responding. You are quiet a lot today.
Arthur pulled him close and checked the time. Had he drifted off? It was already time to go! He downed his cold cider and lifted Merlin onto his hip to begin walking over. "I was just thinking. Gaius likes to say that's why I have a brain, so I can use it." He absolutely did not expect Merlin's next comment.
Only today?
"What?" Arthur halted in surprise. Merlin had gone rigid but there was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and it was all Arthur could do to refrain from crushing him in sheer joy as he realized Merlin had made a joke. "Oh, you think you're funny, don't you? Did you just make a joke?" He tickled Merlin. "I see how it is. Here I have been, slaving away to think of jokes to make you laugh and you steal my thunder!" Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck and laughed as he cuddled close.
"That is the cutest sound in the whole world."
Arthur turned to see Morgana and Gwen catching up to them. "I don't know. I think my laughter sounds better," he hedged. Merlin stuck out his tongue before hiding his red face away.
Morgana slapped Arthur's arm as she fell into step beside him. "I already told you, Merlin is far superior to you in looks and laughter, right Merlin?" she teased. Merlin's ears flamed brightly and they all laughed.
On arriving, Morgana led Merlin upstairs to begin their meditation exercises as Gwen carried a brazier down to her post. Arthur was glad to see she was carrying a heavy quilt as well. Time to seize his chance. "Gaius, could I have a word?"
Gaius approached him. "What is it, my boy?"
"Is it absolutely necessary to know what Merlin has been taught before?"
Gaius raised a brow. "It would make it easier to know where to begin and what topics to cover. What are you concerned about?"
Arthur leaned against the table. "I think that he did not like what he was taught." Gaius looked ready to interrupt and Arthur raised his hands to forestall him. "More specifically, whatever he was forced to learn, it made him afraid of using his magic. He is afraid of being a monster."
Gaius' brow furrowed with concern on the last statement. "Has he said that?"
"In a way." He tapped his head to clarify what he meant.
Gaius sighed and nodded. "If that is the case, then it seems likely that his lessons would have been in unpleasant topics, to say the least. I would not put it above Cenred to try to forge Merlin into some sort of magical weapon. It explains his reluctance to use magic at all."
Arthur did not like the sound of that but it made sense. Merlin had told him that Cenred was collecting sorcerers. It could mean that he was hoping to build an army of them or at the very least looking to augment his force with magic. Merlin's magic had probably been treated as a weapon. It opened up a number of possibilities for magical training, each of them disturbing prospects. "It also helps explain the magic he used on Edwin, and Edwin even recognized him."
"Yes. He must have been able to recognize Merlin's essence. He may have even been one of Merlin's teachers," Gaius added, sounding disturbed.
Arthur felt similarly. Edwin certainly had known how to get under Merlin's skin. "So what do we do?"
"I think that in light of this, it may not be necessary to push him to practice casting yet. He can simply learn spells and practice them only when he is ready. We must give him time to see that it will be different here." Gaius moved to a bookshelf and pulled out some scrolls from behind the books. "I think we will focus on healing magic for now… and simple harmless spells to conjure lights and such."
Arthur took the scrolls from Gaius. "Then you are not going to have him use magic at all?"
Gaius sighed again. "I do not think we can avoid it entirely, nor would it be wise. He is Emrys after all. He will eventually have to use it but the priority for now can be to ensure control. Perhaps you can help me persuade him to try the same concentration exercises as Morgana. He won't have to use his magic, exactly, just bring it forth and contain it."
It sounded entirely reasonable to Arthur. He just hoped Merlin would think so too. "Let's do it."
Merlin tensed as soon as they stepped in the room. Morgana peeked out one eye and earned herself a tut-tut from Gaius. Arthur tossed the scrolls on a desk (earning himself a tut-tut) and sat in front of Merlin. He could see the anticipatory tension vibrating in Merlin's small frame.
"Merlin, you have made abundantly clear that you don't want to use your magic." Merlin curled in on himself. Arthur raised his chin until Merlin opened his eyes. "We are not going to force you. I think that you think your magic can only be used for bad things. We are going to prove that is not true. Gaius has decided that you can focus on simple spells and healing magic. You can study it and when you are ready, you can practice. I think once you see the good ways you can use your magic, you will want to practice." He smiled encouragingly. Merlin looked slightly incredulous. I don't have to use my magic?
Arthur cleared his throat. "Not quite. Gaius thinks it would be a good idea for you to practice the same exercises as Morgana. We're worried about your ability to control your magic. We need to be sure it won't lash out at the wrong time."
Merlin frowned. I can control it.
Now it was Arthur's turn to raise a brow. "I seem to remember a certain storm…" he trailed off, unsure of Merlin's reaction to the reminder of that night. He had been terribly upset.
Merlin merely pouted, which was by far the most adorable reaction yet. He took a deep breath and nodded reluctantly.
Arthur looked around for Gaius and found him sat on a chair right next to them. Gaius' eyebrow rose questioningly. "He is agreed, Gaius." He started to stand but stopped when Merlin made a choked sound. "Do you want me to sit with you today?" Merlin nodded, and then scrambled to sit on Arthur's lap. Arthur lifted Merlin up and rearranged himself to face Gaius. He looked up at Gaius. "We are ready, Gaius."
Gaius smiled and began to describe the exercise. It sounded simple enough to Arthur. Visualize your magic, call it forth, and let it go. Yet given Morgana's experiences, Arthur wondered if it was safe to sit so close. Gaius had been knocked away several times…
But Merlin sighed in his lap, interrupting Gaius' instructions. When Arthur tilted his head to look at Merlin's face, he rolled his eyes. Arthur was stunned and somewhat enchanted by this new side of Merlin. Before he could say anything, Merlin stood where both Gaius and Arthur (and Morgana, who was decidedly not doing her exercises) could see him. Closing his eyes, Merlin took several deep breaths before holding his hands in front of him. On the next breath, he opened his eyes and – Arthur was blown away by the sight.
Merlin's eyes shone a beautiful, bright gold. His magic materialized in the air, glowing golden traces from all around that increasingly strengthened from wisps into threads. Like ethereal vines, they sprouted from thin air, from the ground, and joined with the light shining out of Merlin himself. They wove into themselves until finally there was a ball of pulsing light between Merlin's small hands.
It seemed to Arthur that all the light in the world dimmed in comparison to Merlin's magic yet he could stare at it unblinkingly without his eyes stinging. Looking at Merlin's eyes, he noticed the difference in Merlin's demeanor. Like this, Merlin stood tall and sure, perfectly in control. There was no fear. It was like seeing the true Merlin for the first time. This was who Merlin could be if not for Cenred. He felt his determination strengthen and was startled to see a corresponding glow in the air around him. Once again, he saw the threads that connected him to Merlin. He raised a hand to trace them. "Merlin…"he whispered, breathless with awe.
The lights dimmed and faded. Merlin closed his eyes and breathed deeply until the glow disappeared altogether, fading back into thin air. It made Arthur strangely sad but he smiled widely as soon as Merlin reopened his eyes, looking unsure.
Morgana clapped and Gaius laughed. Gaius reached out to pat Merlin on the head as he said, "That was spectacular, Merlin!"
Merlin glanced at both of them but focused his gaze on Arthur. "That was beautiful," he whispered, still awestruck. Merlin blushed deeply and scrambled to bury his face in Arthur's chest. Arthur rubbed his back reassuringly.
Gaius was still chuckling. "Well, I guess we don't need to worry about his control!"
Morgana was looking at Merlin wonderingly. "Gaius, why won't my magic behave like that?"
Merlin unburied his face as Gaius answered kindly, "It will if you practice. Merlin has undoubtedly practiced a lot to manage that amount of control." Merlin nodded emphatically. He tensed suddenly and Arthur rubbed his back again, thinking Merlin was having a flashback.
Instead, Merlin quietly said, "D-d-don't… don't p-pull on it. J-just g-g-guide it." His voice faded away. After one more hug, Merlin pulled out of Arthur's arms and sat in front of Morgana. He took her hands and looked up into her eyes. Arthur wondered if he was talking to her. Gaius caught Arthur's eye and gestured him out. They left Merlin and Morgana together.
"I think young Merlin can help Morgana more than we can."
Arthur chuckled. "I did not see that coming."
Gaius laughed with him. "Neither did I, but it was a most pleasant surprise. You were right, Arthur."
Arthur cocked his head, not sure what Gaius was referring to in this case. Gaius continued, "Merlin's magic has been trained. It is our job now to show him better uses for it – a much simpler task."
His earlier self-doubt seemed silly suddenly. Arthur chuckled as he busied himself with today's tasks. Several batches of congestion tonics later, Arthur had used up the stockpile of vials. He was washing the small number of used vials and thinking about asking his father to commission more when Gaius called the lesson to a finish. As Arthur finished drying, Merlin came to lean heavily against his leg. Arthur looked down, surprised, to see Merlin rubbing his eyes. Concerned, he lifted Merlin into his arms. "Are you alright, Merlin?"
Gaius and Morgana approached when they heard Arthur's tone. Merlin nodded but snuggled close. Arthur took one of Merlin's hands and found it clammy. Gaius placed his hand on Merlin's forehead. "He must be a little tired. He demonstrated a few other concentration exercises for us but did nothing strenuous." He hesitated. "Merlin, do you usually get tired after these kinds of practice sessions?"
Merlin went rigid. Arthur rubbed his back. "It's just a question, Merlin. Is it normal for you to be this tired? Did you do too much today?"
Merlin shook his head. Just tired but – I… I used to do a lot more. His face crumpled and Arthur shushed him, answering for him, "He says he used to do more before getting this tired." Merlin whimpered.
Gaius nodded knowingly. "Merlin?" Gaius waited until Merlin met his eyes. "You have been through quite the ordeal and as much as you have healed, you may still be a bit weak. It just means we need to ease you into a practice routine."
But Merlin bowed his head. Arthur could feel his breath hitching. Thinking that this was about Merlin's reluctance to use magic, Arthur said, "Or if you need more time, Merlin, that is fine too. Just say the word. This has to be your choice."
Merlin peeked up at him through his fringe. Arthur swept it back but Merlin averted his eyes. "Merlin, you trust me, don't you? You can tell me anything, remember?" Arthur watched as Merlin subtly glanced at Gaius and Morgana. Turning to them, he asked, "Give me a moment with him?"
Morgana stepped away guiltily. Arthur placed an arm around her shoulders and she whispered quietly, "It's my fault. He's exhausted from trying to help me."
Arthur gave her a quick hug and gestured at Merlin who was shaking his head. "I think this is about something different. Even if it was, Merlin chose to help you and I'm proud of him for that. You should be too."
He walked up to the small room and sat with Merlin on the cot pushed against the wall. He had pushed Merlin enough today; he resolved to give Merlin time to catch his breath. Merlin fidgeted uncomfortably for a few minutes and looked up at Arthur expectantly. When Arthur didn't say anything, Merlin began to cry in earnest and Arthur realized that maybe he was scaring Merlin with his silence. He pulled Merlin to stand in front of him. "I'm sorry, Merlin. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to give you time to gather your thoughts."
Merlin scrutinized him through teary eyes. Satisfied that Arthur wasn't angry, Merlin scrubbed his eyes with a sleeve and took a deep breath. "Do you want to tell me why you're upset?"
Merlin's eyes teared up again and Arthur finally recognized the emotion in Merlin's actions: shame. "Merlin, whatever it is, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Just tell me why you are upset so I can help you."
Merlin bit his lip but finally answered. I don't know.
Arthur smiled kindly. "You don't know why you're upset or you don't know how to explain?"
Merlin shrugged. Arthur tried to lighten the moment. "Then let's start with something easy. Did you have fun with Gaius and Morgana today?"
Merlin coughed out a laugh and nodded.
"What did you like best about today's lesson?"
Merlin looked at the ceiling as he thought. His shoulders dropped a little as he reached a conclusion. I liked showing you my magic. Merlin toyed with Arthur's fingers. I liked that you liked it… and that nobody made me use it.
Arthur smiled, happy that Merlin understood his freedom of choice. "I liked that you showed me your magic. I meant what I said. It's beautiful. Do you know what I liked more, Merlin?" As expected, Merlin shook his head. He tickled Merlin's belly gently. "When you concentrated on your magic, you stood so confidently and looked so happy. That is how I want you to look all the time, Merlin. I will do whatever it takes to see you like that."
Merlin blushed deeply but held Arthur's gaze, perhaps willing himself to believe Arthur's words. Are you really proud of me? Arthur was surprised by the question but answered without hesitation, "Yes."
Merlin bowed his head again. You shouldn't - wouldn't be proud of me if…
"Merlin, nothing you did while you were captive can change my opinion of you," Arthur said, bowing his own head to catch Merlin's eyes.
It's not that. I mean that too, but it's… Merlin's small chest rose and fell unsteadily faster and Arthur only just caught Merlin as his legs buckled. You think I did a lot today. You always think I do a lot. That's why you say its fine for me to be tired. But it's not. Merlin's thoughts came in a rush now, like a flood breaking through a dam. Merlin covered his face with his hands. I used to do more, a lot more. Especially magic. The focus exercises? I had to do them every morning, before training. It was easy! Even training - it was so long! Spell after spell, for hours, with no food and no rest! Merlin was sobbing now but he resisted Arthur's attempts to pull him into a hug. I didn't want to, I never wanted to, but I was scared! And I was always hurt but they still made me practice. I used so much magic. So you see? I should be able to do more! You said I was stronger now, but I'm weaker! I'm weak! I'm useless! Master was right about me. You shouldn't be proud of me.
Arthur couldn't bear it anymore. He gripped Merlin and shook him, yelling "Don't say that!" He was surprised by his own harshness. He pulled Merlin to his chest and hugged him tightly, wishing he had been able to protect Merlin from the beginning. He wished someone, anyone, had protected Merlin from Cenred. "Never say that, Merlin," he said more gently. "You have to believe me when I say this, Merlin. I am proud of you. So proud. You are not useless – you saved my life, remember? As for being weak, Merlin, when I found you I thought you were going to die!" He ran his fingers through Merlin's hair, aching to soothe Merlin's distress. "But you lived. You healed. You are growing into a healthy, strong, little boy."
"Look at me, Merlin."
Merlin hesitantly looked up. Arthur asked, "Do you think I am strong?"
Merlin nodded. Arthur continued, "Well, when I was your age, I couldn't do half of what you can do and I never suffered anything like you did. I had people to protect me, you didn't. No one would fault you for hiding away from the world after what you escaped. And, yet you try every day to move past your fears, to trust new people, and try new things. You are far stronger than I was at your age."
"As for your magic, I have no intention of forcing you to do more. You know best what you can do, and I trust you to set your own goals but be kind to yourself. You cannot expect to jump back to full strength after such a long recovery. Do you remember when you first got out of bed? Your legs gave out, remember?"
Merlin had stopped crying as he listened intently. Arthur gently wiped his face. "I don't doubt that your magic feels the same way. Give it time. Let yourself work back up to full strength. Can you do that? Can you be patient with yourself?"
Arthur expected a silent answer but once again Merlin surprised him. "Yes," he said softly.
Arthur hugged him again before lifting him up and walking down to the main room. Gwen had joined Gaius and Morgana, and they all looked at Arthur expectantly. Not wanting to go into detail, Arthur merely said, "Merlin is just a bit frustrated but we talked. He's agreed to be more patient with himself."
Considering the matter settled, Arthur picked up their cloaks and gestured for the girls to do the same. Merlin yawned suddenly, long and wide. It was just as adorable as his earlier pout. Arthur wrapped his own cloak over both of them and settled Merlin's cloak over him like a blanket. This had been a long day for both of them and he was glad their supper was ready and waiting.
He just hoped Merlin was tired enough to sleep soundly tonight. He'd earned a good rest.
Hi everyone! I'm sorry about the delay; it was a combination of the chapter writing itself in an unexpected direction and assignments piling up. Please let me know what you think about this chapter. I welcome your reviews. I'm not too sure about the next update, but I'll keep working on it. Thanks for sticking with the story so far!