Merlin woke up before Arthur again. Now that he was better he had been waking up at his usual time – just before dawn. When he was tired, he could snuggle closer to Arthur and fall back asleep easily, comfortable in the knowledge that he was safe. Usually he would then remain asleep until George entered to wake Arthur, the noise of the door enough to startle him awake. Other days his training asserted itself and he fidgeted restlessly. Back before, he had been expected to run through his magical exercises but since coming to Camelot, he neither wanted nor needed to do them. Regardless, he itched with the need to do something and afraid of waking Arthur, he resorted to reviewing his lessons until the sun rose. Besides, it had the added benefit of preparing him for his lessons which resulted in his tutors being impressed.

Merlin loved his lessons! He felt dizzy every time he thought about all the things out there just waiting to be learned – and so far, none of it was related to combat or curses. The only military strategy he had to study was in reference to the founding of Camelot. Then there was the difference in teaching to consider - his new teachers were so patient! They never beat him, never even so much as boxed his ears! At first, he thought it was because of Arthur but his teachers were kinder when Arthur was gone – they said he was a bad example. Merlin didn't like that. There was nothing wrong with Arthur! Sure, sometimes he didn't pay attention, but Merlin was sure it was because Arthur had more important things on his mind. After all, Arthur was the prince! He had more important things to do than sit in lessons with Merlin but Arthur sat with him because it made Merlin feel better.

Merlin really should say something, should let Arthur attend to his own life, but he wasn't ready yet. He just felt so safe with Arthur! The only person who had ever held him like that was his mum – and Merlin cut himself off before he thought too much about her, his breath hitching anyway. He focused on the warmth radiating from Arthur at his side, the same warmth that warded off nightmares and memories. It made him brave. Brave enough to leave the safety of Arthur's room. Brave enough to meet people. Brave enough to act like he was one of them – a normal boy. Not a slave or tool. Not a dumb animal or terrible monster. Not a thing.

Master had always treated Merlin's magic like it was a tool for him to possess rather than a part of Merlin. Merlin was just another part of Master's collection, his army. He looked at Merlin and saw only his magic… but that was the best Merlin could hope for, the best-case scenario. On those occasions when Master really looked at Merlin, didn't just see through him, it made his skin crawl. It was the same way he looked at Mordred on those days when Merlin was sent away early.

It was the same way he looked at Merlin that day. Don't think about that. Don't think about that!

Since coming to Camelot, he had glimpsed what it was like to have a normal life – well, somewhat normal. Merlin didn't remember much about before before but he was sure they hadn't lived in a castle. It was nice to be seen as a person, a boy, as Merlin. Here, everyone used his name. King Uther sometimes called him 'boy' but the way he looked at Merlin was completely different to Master, especially since adopting Merlin. Uther was not tender, but he was more of a father than Merlin had ever had – he had given Merlin a family after all!

Not wanting to endanger that, he resisted using his magic and resisted divulging his abilities to Gaius. It was a bit like holding his breath – he knew eventually he would have to vent it – but resisting temptation was much harder than the discomfort of holding back. Sometimes, it seemed to Merlin that not using his magic would be the greater offense. Like when Arthur's bathwater cooled while he bathed Merlin; it just didn't seem right to leave Arthur to suffer a cold bath (Merlin hated cold baths) when it was such a simple matter for Merlin to heat it! He wanted to help Morgana too, of course, but that would mean revealing some of his training, and he didn't want that. No matter how Gaius asked, or how Arthur asked, Merlin had resisted – and worse, Arthur had comforted him anyway! He felt guilty for being disobedient but the guilt was nothing compared to his shame.

His magic was a conduit for destruction. That was what Master had made him, that was what Merlin had accepted in lieu of further pain and misery, but the others wouldn't see that, he thought. They would only see that Merlin was evil and they would not care that Merlin didn't want to be evil, that he had been hurt and been promised unending hurt, until he accepted. That was what he had thought.

Or maybe, if he showed them his power, they might want to use it. They would ask him. He wouldn't be able to refuse, not after all their help. Then he would go back to being a thing, no longer a boy, no longer Merlin. And if he did refuse, it would spoil everything. He couldn't take that chance, not after they had been so kind. Not after they adopted him!

But last night, he had heard Arthur talking to Gaius. He wanted to learn healing magic! Could they really make him good, make his magic good? Feeling brave with Arthur's encouragement, Merlin had finally caved a little, offering up his power in a test of their intentions. He called his magic up and Arthur saw…

Arthur looked and he saw Merlin.

He called Merlin's magic beautiful.

He was proud of Merlin.

And it hadn't been pretend. The way Arthur comforted him afterwards, the way Arthur asked him to be patient, even the way Arthur slept so peacefully next to Merlin now – it was proof that Arthur still trusted Merlin. Merlin was starting to believe that Arthur wouldn't even be swayed if he knew all that Merlin had done and could (but would never willingly) do.

Merlin was dead. He died and this was the afterlife. It was the only explanation that made sense because this was just too good to be true. He kept waiting for the illusion to fade, for the hurt to come. It was a dizzying cycle: to be so afraid he couldn't breathe and then so happy his heart could burst. Even his magic wanted to burst with happiness! He could feel it well up inside him now just as easily as it had last night.

Last night.

Magic.

Lessons.

Training.

Merlin nervously chewed his lips. He listened to Arthur's breathing and paced his breathing accordingly, letting his mind clear. Arthur had said that it was Merlin's choice. Merlin was afraid to use his magic, but he was more afraid of never being good. His will solidified. He knew what he wanted. He wanted to be good, to use his magic for good. For that to happen, he needed to be strong again. He could make that happen. He knew how.

And he was awake anyway.

Merlin sat up slowly. He considered moving to the table, but it was cold and he liked being close to Arthur. He shivered as the cold air found its way down his shirt. He carefully pulled the blankets up and shifted until Arthur was a reassuring wall of warmth at his back. Before closing his eyes, he glanced at the doors and let his magic lock them. He mustered his courage.

Inhale. Exhale. He breathed deeply, letting his thoughts go with every exhale. With every breath, he emptied his mind until there was nothing but the present moment. He let his mind drift until it felt like another lung, contracting and expanding on nothing but air.

Inhale and expand. He let go of his hold on his magic and let it rise within him. It settled into him, filling in all the empty spaces he never knew he had, making him whole again. It seemed to him that his magic always responded easily, regardless of how much Merlin hid it away.

Exhale and reach. Unrestrained, his magic flowed out of him to join with the magic all around him. This was Merlin's favorite part of the exercise. He didn't have to call the magic around him – it welcomed him joyously, like a reunion of long lost friends. It washed away the loneliness at his core.

Inhale and gather. As his magic joined the magic of the earth, it swept around him like leaves on the wind. He gave himself to it and it came to him.

Exhale and grasp. This was the part where Merlin had been told to take control of the magic and 'master' it. Following instructions, that was Merlin, as he had always done, now did. He concentrated it, pushing it together. As it coalesced, it became a part of Merlin, beating like a second heart. He knew what it looked like now – like he was holding a ball of magic but that didn't really describe the feeling of it. At this point, all of his previous teachers had been vague about what to do. Somehow, Merlin was supposed to connect the magic he held to something around him – Edwin had said he was supposed to have a new sense of sight but Merlin never got that. Sometimes, he got the feeling that his magic was escaping, or leaking away, but whenever he grasped for it, his magic was right there. It used to frighten him – and still did as he reflexively clenched on his magic – but he had forced himself to ignore it. He thought there was no other choice.

Until now.

Last night, as he held his magic close, he had sensed Arthur in a new way. It had only lasted a moment, but Merlin could have sworn that he felt feelings of awe that were not his own. As he sat here now, he felt the peculiar feelings of his magic pulling away again. Focusing on his breaths he could ignore the feeling but this time, Merlin wanted to try something new. He wanted to be brave.

So, he relaxed his control completely -

- and all at once, Merlin was surrounded by peace. With all intent to control gone, it was like his fear evaporated along with his awareness of his magic. Had he lost his magic completely?

No. It wrapped around him soothingly before he had a chance to call it back. Confused, he felt it dissolve away again. He focused on his breaths, trying to remain calm and open. As his heartbeat slowed, he felt it. His magic hadn't dissolved – it was still there, held in his hands… and all around him. He could see it in his mind's eye. He traced the surface of the ball lightly and feelings flickered past as threads flashed vividly around him. He slowed down and realized that the flashes corresponded to the feelings. He paused at one faint spot that seemed to lead outside the room and felt sleepiness settle over him. He touched another spot, a little stronger, and felt warmth move down his throat to his belly as well as hunger and sleepiness.

Giddy with excitement at this discovery, Merlin moved to the brightest spot. Indistinct feelings were punctuated by the steady beat of a heartbeat – a heartbeat that matched the one at his back. And there! The flashing vein led straight to Arthur! He could feel Arthur! Merlin tried to decipher what he was feeling but after a few minutes of indefinable flow, Merlin decided Arthur must be dreaming. A little disappointed, he explored other spots but he was beginning to feel drained. Just as he was about to close out the exercise, he felt a change.

Attuned as he was to the magic, he felt it when Arthur moved from dreams to wakefulness. Responding to his curiosity, Merlin saw the threads connecting him to Arthur pulse and brighten. He could feel Arthur more clearly now. Arthur did not linger long in waking, as soon as he became aware of Merlin he pushed aside his sleepiness. Arthur was fully awake now and watching Merlin. His mind was clear. No doubts. No fear. No anger. Pride was tempered by concern but before Merlin could determine why, his magic began to pull away.

As his awareness dimmed, Merlin decided this was enough for today and began the ritual of returning to himself. To his surprise, his magic returned to him almost immediately but the awareness dulled much less abruptly. He sat for a few moments, trying to settle back into his own skin. He didn't have to pull his magic in, rather it sank disturbingly away from his conscious control. If not for the heaviness he felt from it, he would have feared losing his magic again. Instead, warmth enveloped him and he realized how cold he was. With Arthur's strong arms holding him, he suddenly felt how hard he was shaking. It wasn't entirely due to the cold, of that Merlin was certain. Today, something had changed in his magic, in himself, and though he didn't know, couldn't understand, what that was, the experience left him rattled. His magic washed over him once more, reassuring him, and he sank into Arthur's embrace letting his mind blank.

He awoke with a start and sat up, disoriented. "Merlin?"

Merlin's head whirled around so fast, his neck hurt. It took a while for his eyes to catch up and Merlin got goosebumps at the uncomfortable feeling of déjà vu. He forced his eyes to focus on the room to see Arthur and Gaius were watching him from the table. Merlin realized it was nearly midday – he missed his morning lessons! His worry must have been visible because Arthur walked over quickly and sat at the edge of the bed. Merlin's head jerked up, unbalancing him enough to nearly fall back. Arthur caught him by the arms and held him gently. Merlin brought his hands up to his head and tried to understand why his body was moving so strangely.

"How are you feeling?" Arthur gently tilted Merlin's face up and studied him closely.

Confused, Merlin whispered, "Fine." Mostly, he added. Why didn't you wake me for lessons? It was his turn to study Arthur, trying hard not to squint as his vision suddenly wobbled.

"You seem a bit off-balance for someone who is feeling fine," Arthur said gently.

Merlin ducked his head, feeling ashamed. Arthur tilted his face up again. "You're not in trouble, Merlin. Just tell me what you're feeling."

I'm mostly fine now. When I woke up, my body felt funny. Like it was moving too fast or too hard and my eyes couldn't keep up. Merlin shook his head but this time his vision didn't double. It's stopped now.

Gaius sat in a chair beside the bed, listening intently as Arthur repeated Merlin's answer. Gaius raised a brow and turned back to Merlin. Merlin frowned, why were they so worried? He asked Arthur.

Arthur pulled a blanket up around Merlin – Merlin realized he was shivering – and answered, "Merlin, I woke up to see you glowing. Do you remember that?"

Merlin frowned; he didn't think he had ever glowed before. He didn't want Arthur to think that he was lying or trying to hide what he had been doing. Sensing that Gaius wanted to hear his answer too, he braced himself and answered out loud. "I was p-practicing. Like I used to." When no one said anything, Merlin added, "J-j-just f-focusing." He peeked up at Arthur.

Arthur frowned slightly and Merlin began to worry that he had done something wrong. "Is that all you did? Focus?"

Merlin nodded and growing worried himself. Was Arthur upset that Merlin had practiced? Hesitantly, he added, but it was different.

Arthur repeated it out loud for Gaius' sake and Merlin watched as they exchanged looks. He hadn't felt anger in Arthur earlier but now…

As his breathing began to hitch, Arthur pulled Merlin to sit on his lap. "Merlin, whatever you did, you were unconscious for hours. I was very worried. That's why I called Gaius."

Merlin's mouth dropped. He had been unconscious? For hours? Arthur continued. "I was happy to see you practicing, even though I was worried someone would walk in," he gave Merlin a pointed look, "but when I touched you, you were very cold! Almost as soon as I picked you up, you went limp in my arms."

Without a thought, Merlin replied I locked the doors.

Arthur huffed and rolled his eyes. "He said he locked the doors," he explained to Gaius. "My point, Merlin, is that I thought something was wrong with you."

Gaius smiled and leaned closer, "How are you feeling now, Merlin? Still cold?"

Merlin nodded, prompting a brief exam as Gaius asked him about his earlier disorientation. Reassured that Merlin was fine, if cold, Gaius sat back down and leaned close. "What did you mean when you said it was different?"

Merlin chewed on his lip as he thought. He wasn't sure what exactly had changed, nor how to describe how it felt. "Um…" he took a deep breath and tried again, "I... um. W-w-w-" Merlin shut his eyes in frustration. Why was it so hard for his mouth to work? "I used t-t-t-t-" Merlin ground out but once again his tongue got stuck.

Arthur tapped Merlin's hand and Merlin obediently opened his eyes. "Say it however is easier for you, Merlin. I can repeat it to Gaius."

Merlin felt his shoulders droop as he tried not to pout. He averted his eyes, not wanting Arthur to see the tears that were welling up. He was letting Arthur down again. Why couldn't he just get used to speaking?

Once again, Arthur tapped his hand for attention. "Merlin, relax. We need to focus on one thing a time. Your voice will come, but not if you're also worried about explaining what happened this morning at the same time. Patience, remember?"

Patience. Right. Merlin took another deep breath. He kept breathing deeply until he knew what he wanted to say.

Um, well, I told you that I had to practice on my own every morning before, er, yeah before, and at the last part, well I never understood what I was supposed to do. They told me but it didn't make sense… Arthur looked confused. He repeated it out loud to Gaius who looked just as confused.

And yesterday, even though I got tired, it felt the same as always until the last part. Here, Merlin wasn't sure whether to tell Arthur what he had felt. What if Arthur didn't like Merlin being able to sense his mind? It was the same today, but more.

Arthur relayed Merlin's words to Gaius and shrugged. Gaius leaned forward again, asking, "Merlin, can you explain what you mean? What last part?"

Merlin wrung his hands in the blanket, anxious again. First, I focus on breathing and calling up my magic. Then, I bring it together and hold it. After that, no one ever told me what I was supposed to do.

Gaius nodded after Arthur paraphrased. "At the end of that you should feel connected to the magic around you."

Merlin nodded excitedly. It did! I was holding it here, he held his hands up, but it felt like… like it disappeared but it was... all around. It was holding me?

Gaius looked thoughtful as he listened to Arthur. Turning to Merlin, he asked "Was that what was different about it?"

Merlin nodded and shook his head. It used to scare me – that feeling of letting my magic loose. But today… I… He looked up at Arthur. You liked my magic. And I want to use it for good things like you said. So, I wanted to brave. He paused. And that's when it happened. He stopped, still unsure of Arthur's reaction to Merlin's newfound power.

Pulling the blanket tighter, he ducked his head away. I could feel things. When I focused on parts of the magic, I could feel things.

I felt Arthur. You were dreaming and then you were awake and I could feel you were proud of me but also worried.

I'm sorry.

Merlin flinched when Arthur's hand touched his face, but Arthur merely pulled him close again. Merlin peeked up at Gaius as Arthur spoke, ending with, "Don't be sorry, Merlin. I'm not upset."

Gaius' face had also cleared. He smiled. "That is how it should feel, Merlin. Before, because you were afraid, your mind couldn't let go of your magic, even if you pretended you weren't afraid. Just like your body gets tense when you are frightened, your magic is subconsciously tense. Today you chose to be brave and let of your fear and your magic was finally free to join the natural magic around us. Your magic is different from other sorcerers' magic. They take what is around them and direct it as they will. Your magic is as much the magic of the earth as it is a part of you."

Merlin frowned at that and Gaius rephrased, "Think about your day-to-day life. Are you always holding on to your magic?" When Merlin shook his head, Gaius continued, "It just exists within you. It's not a separate part of you." Arthur seemed to get what Gaius was trying to say, but Merlin was still trying to understand. "When you focus, not just meditate, but focus your power, you become aware of all the other magic around you. When, you bring out your magic and let it go, it doesn't go anywhere, it exists exactly where it is, where it belongs, among all the rest of the magic. It doesn't disappear, it's just hard for you to see it because it's exactly like all the other magic around us."

He looked at Gaius and nodded. Gaius smiled at him kindly. "Magic is a natural part of this world, that's why you feel the connection to everything around you. That's why you could feel Arthur. That connection is at the base of incanted spells. The purpose of this exercise is that you learn to use your magic without spells just by following and influencing that connection."

Merlin shivered as he thought about why Master wanted him to learn such a skill. Cenred didn't know that Merlin could already use his magic without spells, had never needed them, and his face paled at the thought. Gaius quickly placed his hand on Merlin's forehead. "Merlin?" he asked.

Arthur stood Merlin on his lap and looked into his eyes. "What is it, Merlin?"

M-master want-ted… he-, was all he managed to think but Arthur understood.

"Yes, Merlin," he said sadly. "Cenred probably thought it a useful skill, but you're safe from him now." Arthur sat Merlin down again and rubbed his back. "But – Merlin, you've done magic without spells before, haven't you? When you heated my bathwater, for example."

Gaius answered before Merlin. "Like I said, Merlin's magic is different. It's a part of him. For simple things, he can probably just think it and it's done."

Merlin nodded, feeling better at Gaius' pragmatic tone. I just wish for them.

Gaius nodded sagely. "What you should learn from this, Merlin, is not to overextend yourself. Take small steps and don't practice for too long. Once a day should be enough." He held up a finger, "And if you decide to practice in the mornings, make sure the door is locked."

Merlin smiled and nodded.

Arthur, still rubbing Merlin's back soothingly, asked "He was just tired then, Gaius?"

Gaius nodded. "He'll be fine after some food and rest." He retrieved a steaming mug from the table. Merlin beamed happily, he could smell the cider and was excited to drink it again. Arthur kept hold of the mug but he helped Merlin sip from it. "Magical training can be very exhausting, and the new experience probably drained him emotionally as well. Take heart though, Arthur. This is a good sign of Merlin's progress. He's finally beginning to believe he's free and safe." With that, Gaius took his leave.

Merlin looked up Arthur and placed his hand over Arthur's heart. It was you. Arthur cocked his head, about to ask why, so Merlin answered him. "It was you." I felt safe because of you. I felt brave because of you. It was you.

Arthur hugged Merlin tightly. "Glad to be of service."

Merlin felt his tummy rumble and looked at the table hopefully. "B-breakfast?"

Arthur laughed and carried Merlin across. "Lunch, actually. I'm certain, now, that the cook is having us surveilled constantly. No sooner did I tell your tutors you were ill this morning, than someone from the kitchens appeared with hot broth for you. I drank that, by the way."

Merlin hoped there was more than broth for him. He watched expectantly as Arthur lifted the tray cover. "Now the cook has sent up your favorite stew with soft bread rolls." Arthur tickled Merlin when his belly gurgled in anticipation. "Eat up, Merlin. If you're really feeling better, we can go for a walk with the girls later."

Merlin laughed happily and made grabby hands for the food.

True to his word, after they ate, Arthur dressed Merlin warmly and they set off to Morgana's chambers.

Morgana hugged Merlin right away. "I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Merlin!"

Merlin was surprised that Morgana knew about this morning. She tickled him lightly and stood up to get her cloak, saying, "News travels fast around the castle, Merlin. Especially when it concerns a certain young man!"

Arthur chuckled at Merlin's confused look. "I told you we were being watched, Merlin."

As Gwen fetched her own cloak, Morgana returned to take Merlin's hand. "Don't be silly, Arthur. No one cares about you anymore. Merlin, on the other hand, is cute and everyone worries about his health."

Arthur huffed but gave Merlin's hand a gentle squeeze. Merlin took that to mean that Arthur didn't believe Morgana.

Arthur led them outside past the stables and Merlin tugged on his hand pleadingly. Arthur laughed but let go and held back Morgana. Merlin ran to his pony's stall. Tidbit recognized him right away and came to greet him. Merlin giggled as Tidbit mussed his hair. Glancing around to make sure no one else was around, Merlin blinked in the direction of the oats sacks. A small one flew toward him and he quickly caught it. He poured them out in Tidbit's trough and skipped away with one last pat.

The grown-ups were laughing at him when he returned, even Gwen! Merlin felt his face burn but Arthur took his hand and resumed the walk. "Don't go getting your pony fat, Merlin, or he won't be able to jump anymore!" Merlin wrinkled his nose as they laughed again. Tidbit was not fat!

Gwen stopped giggling long enough to ask, "Have you named your pony yet, Merlin?"

Merlin proudly said, "T-tidbit."

To his consternation, they all collapsed in laughter yet again. For the rest of the walk, Morgana and Gwen would alternately dissolve into laughter while Arthur tried to hide his amusement. Merlin resolved to ask him later why they did that.

Besides the puzzling start, the walk was uneventful. Whenever they passed a servant, they would smile kindly at Merlin, occasionally wishing him well. They walked for longer than before – when the sun set, they walked around inside the castle. Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen were talking animatedly and Merlin was inclined to say they had somewhat forgotten him. He didn't mind; he liked listening to them and was content to watch their surroundings. Merlin was slowly learning his way around but by the end of the walk he was fairly tired. Even though he didn't wobble, not even once, Arthur picked him up as they began ascending from the lower levels of the castle.

Merlin rested his head on Arthur's shoulder happily and was just reflecting on his happy day when he heard it.

EMRYS!

He froze instantly. Not again. Not again. Please not again. Arthur stopped immediately, asking, "Merlin? What's wrong?"

Merlin could dimly hear the girls echoing the question but still he held his breath. Maybe he imagined it. Maybe if he didn't answer, it would go away again.

The voice returned and though he pressed his hands over his ears the voiced boomed deeply in his mind.

EMRYS, YOU WILL ANSWER ME NOW. EMRYS!

Aaaaand I'm back. Sorry for disappearing. I thought about posting a note but I hate getting a new chapter alert only to find an author's note instead! I'd much rather wait for a new chapter. Anyone else? No? Just me? Let me duck before you start hurling the rotten fruit!

It took me a while to write this up. You wouldn't believe the stuff that came up: finals - computer died - bought new computer - holiday travel - nearly sliced off three fingers! You can't make this stuff up. My hand is still bound up but I've figured out this typing thing, and good thing at that! The new semester is starting!

Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. This catches up to the point I think most of you were waiting to see! Let's just hope Kilgarrah isn't too cross about having to wait too, haha.

Please and thank you for your wonderful reviews and continued interest! I hope you all had wonderful holidays and are starting off a great new year!