Happy Friday!
He'd been told that Yule would be a happy time, but Merlin decided that it must not include the days of preparation prior to the holiday.
His days were still largely the same, and he knew that change was inevitable, but still it made him uneasy. Whatever Yule was, it meant a lot of excitement. It was all over the castle. There were more servants than ever and they were all busy. Gwen was put in charge of leading the crews of servants airing out the guest rooms. But those crews were only a small part of the organized effort. Under the hustle and bustle was a steady thrum of excitement and uncertainty about assignments. The older maids and servants discussed the particulars of previous guests. The younger crowd wondered if they would still be allowed their nights off to join the celebrations.
Merlin would have loved to spend all his free time listening to the servants talk as they went about their tasks, but his nanny kept him away. It wasn't "proper" company for him, she said.
His nanny was actually very nice. Mary was not much older than Morgana but she was married and had children of her own. She was kind but firm, determined to keep to the schedule she'd been given by Uther. Merlin wished she would talk more, but she seemed afraid of him somehow and it saddened him. He was normal now, surely, she couldn't be afraid of him?
It wasn't until he overheard her talking to another servant behind the stables that he realized she was stressed about the propriety of caring for a member of the royal family and altogether unsettled by his muteness. He tried to speak to her after that, to explain that he wasn't royalty, but it was hard. His throat constricted and he was suddenly afraid. When Mary reached to comfort him, he jerked away, reflexively. It was ultimately more distressing for Mary and he didn't try again. Instead, he worked out ways to mime what he wanted to say and it eased their interactions.
And so, every morning, before sunrise, Merlin woke and practiced his focus. At dawn, he nudged Arthur awake and they prepared for the day. Arthur readied himself for training and Mary would appear just as Arthur left, carrying Merlin's breakfast. She then picked out clothes for him and let him get dressed. She had tried, the first day, to help Merlin dress, but his distress had put her off that idea immediately. Besides, he didn't need any help – well, except for ties and buttons, but otherwise, he was perfectly capable of dressing himself!
The first part of the day, Merlin spent in lessons. He enjoyed them well enough, but it was the afternoons that Merlin lived for. The knights and squires ate a light and early midmorning meal, and when Merlin was freed from lessons, it was just in time for their warm up and second round of training. The first day, as they began their laps around the field, Merlin took off behind them, leaving Mary calling out for him, worried but unable to catch him. His lungs burned, but his feet, oh how they flew! He kept pace with the knights for one length of the field, and by then word had been passed down the ranks and everyone knew he was running with them. On the second length, he slowed when they met the muddy side of the field. After getting sucked down in the loose mud, he tried to run in the indents left by the men but their strides were too far apart for his small legs. One of the squires at the back hung back to keep an eye on him. Panting and determined, Merlin ran off to the side where his lesser weight kept him from sinking too deeply. He was exhilarated when he caught up to the column of men as they rounded onto the final length. He pumped his arms and ignored the stitch in his side. He imagined that the flapping of his cloak was like the flapping of wings and that it was lifting him off the ground. He pushed harder and harder, until he began passing the knights. Giving all of his energy, he ran harder until he passed Arthur and kept going until he reached Mary and collapsed on his hands and knees, desperately trying to catch his breath. Mary fussed over him as the men continued past to do a second lap, and when they returned, it was Leon that calmed her.
"Merlin! You did very well." He turned to Mary and added, "The exercise will be good for him." He ruffled Merlin's hair. "If he wants to run with us, I'm sure the men wouldn't mind, would you?" He turned back to the knights and squires, all busy suiting up. They all laughed and grinned, joking about being made to look slow by Merlin. He couldn't help it, he grinned wide in return and wiped his sweaty fringe from his forehead. Arthur gave Merlin a proud smile and Merlin could have jumped for joy!
"I agree, Mary. Why don't you bring Merlin down in time for our run every day? He can run with us before his daily ride. Would you like that Merlin?"
Merlin nodded so eagerly, his neck cricked.
And so it was that Merlin started a new tradition – leading the warm up run at midday. He would have liked to participate more, but he knew he slowed the men down. Even so, they let him run at the head of the column, so he wouldn't get stuck in the mud behind them. In return, Merlin did his best to run faster every day, keeping in mind Leon's instructions to pace himself. "You don't have to be the fastest, Merlin, just the steadiest. You set the pace for everyone, so it's important that you keep it constant."
After the first lap, Merlin would catch his breath while they ran a second lap. He always waited for them to return and give him an approving nod. Only then would he let Mary lead him away to the stables.
His rides were much more independent now. Once Mary realized that Merlin was fairly competent on horseback, she let him ride alone until the bell tolled the last hour of daylight. She warned Merlin never to leave the castle grounds, but Merlin had no desire to leave. He happily toured around inside the keep with Tidbit, visiting friends around the castle.
At the kennels, he would visit with Ulric, the trainer, and play with the older pups. He kept away from the youngest, their mums being very protective of them still. Next, he would visit the back of the kitchens. There the cook, also named Mary (Big Mary to Merlin), would let him have a treat from whatever was being brought in at that moment and a sugar lump for Tidbit. Sometimes, Big Mary let him bring in the eggs from the chicken coop. Merlin wanted to hatch a chick very badly and when Big Mary caught on, she showed him the eggs set aside for hatching. Every day, he checked on them, wanting to hold one and see if he could sense the baby inside but caution kept him from it.
At the end of his ride, he would pass the training field and watch Arthur train from afar. He wished he could train with the squires but Arthur had explained that he was too young. From the looks of the boys allowed in, Merlin had a lot of growing to do before he'd be allowed in.
Even so, watching today, Merlin memorized their drill and practiced with a stick in a hidden corner of the courtyard. He didn't really understand the appeal, but if it would bring him closer to Arthur…
Merlin threw down his stick. It had been five days now, and Arthur was coming back later and later. Every evening, he was more tired and less inclined to spend time with Merlin. Yesterday, Arthur had come back smelling of ale. Arthur hadn't even noticed when Merlin flinched away from him, for which he was both relieved and upset. Merlin was glad it had been close to his bedtime – he didn't know how to deal with a brooding Arthur.
Merlin knew grown men liked to drink together, and he felt selfish keeping Arthur back when he wanted to drink with his friends, but he missed Arthur. He didn't like that his limited time with Arthur was cut short, and he didn't like that he was finally seeing a side of Arthur that made him uncomfortable.
And he hated the smell of alcohol. He tried not to think why.
It was all happening too fast.
Uther had stopped by training yesterday. He'd nodded approvingly when he saw Merlin running with the men. Afterwards, he'd told Merlin that a respected family with a boy close to his age would be arriving soon, and that lessons would stop when he arrived so that Merlin could spend his day with him. Uther thought to make him happy, perhaps, but Merlin was more distressed than ever. He'd been reprimanded twice in his lessons for his distraction and though they were gentle, mild, verbal warnings, Merlin's mind had gone straight back to the days when inattention earned him much worse consequences.
His visits had been short today. He took refuge in one of the private gardens where it was quiet. Sitting on a bench, he pondered what boys his age did for play. He'd never had anyone his age with whom to 'play'. There had been Will, but that had been before before. He only remembered toddling after Will outside while Mum watched.
He'd been taken too and Merlin had never seen him again. His only memorable interaction with a non-adult had been with Mordred and Merlin tried very hard not to think of the boy he'd left behind.
Was he still alive? Was he still with Master?
Did Mordred hate him now?
The memories brought the taste of bile into his mouth. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. DON'T!
Deep breaths.
.
.
Look at the sky.
.
.
Feel the sun.
.
.
After a moment of staring at the sun, the shadows cleared. His thoughts returned to his awaited guest. What would this boy be like? What if he didn't like Merlin?
What was Merlin supposed to even do with him?
He was going stir crazy and the boy hadn't even arrived yet!
Distracted by his thoughts, Merlin missed the bells and he only realized the time when he noticed the sun setting. He hurriedly mounted Tidbit and rode quickly but still found Mary with her hands on her hips. He wanted to say he was sorry, that it was an accident but knew better than to try. He listened dispiritedly as she warned him that another tardy would mean no more rides. The prospect had him in tears as he brushed down Tidbit and Tidbit, being the smart pony that he was, sensed Merlin's distress. He nuzzled against Merlin and that did him in, he clung to Tidbit's neck and tried to muffle his whimpers but Mary still heard him.
She immediately became distressed and entered the stall. "Rules are rules, Merlin. I'm not being unreasonable here. Oh, please don't cry!"
Merlin hurriedly wiped his face and bit his lip as he held back his feelings. He hadn't meant to break the rules but he had no way to say so! But it didn't matter, he couldn't cry about it. He broke the rules and now he had to accept the consequences.
You broke the rules, Emrys. Now it's time for the consequences.
He shivered and cowered away. I'm safe here. I'm in Camelot. I'm safe! I am! Tidbit whinnied nervously and nuzzled closer, but Merlin backed away. All he could feel was a large presence coming uncomfortably close.
He repeated his mantra until he felt the memories drift away. Unfortunately, they took the world with them. He could hear Mary trying to get him to respond – finally tugging him back to the room.
The room is good. Arthur will be there. I'll be safe with Arthur.
But Arthur wasn't there. He huddled in the chair closest to the fire, letting his eyes follow the random patterns to keep from thinking. But now even the heat from the flames was enough to chase away the chill in his bones. He wondered about that saying. Mum used to say it. It felt right.
Were his bones actually chilled?
He shook his head when Mary offered to bring supper, instead climbing directly into bed. His stomach was churning and only his detachment kept him from gagging up his lunch.
He didn't notice when Mary left.
There had been days like this before. Arthur called them quiet days, Merlin called them day-mare days. They were days when his nightmares escaped the confines of the night and trapped him when he least expected them. They were days when the memories were triggered several times a day, leaving him drained and subdued between episodes. Arthur called them quiet days because he'd learned to keep Merlin away from others and leave him in relative peace. Merlin was grateful, and he dearly wished Arthur was here now. He lay there, trying not to think but slowly sinking into his memories. He fell into an uneasy sleep.
When he startled awake, Arthur was snoring heavily beside him. Merlin curled closer, only to flinch away when the smell of Arthur's breath hit him. Mead. He curled up as small as he could on the far side of the bed, tired but with some sense of alertness keeping him awake, keeping a close eye on Arthur. Arthur slept on and it was only by repeating his mantra that Merlin relaxed enough to nod off.
The next day, Merlin felt awful. Mary was wary of him and Merlin regretted scaring her.
And it got worse.
His lessons were cut short when Uther himself showed up to bring Merlin to the courtyard. "Sir Gaedric's widow is arriving today with their son, Cedric. He is 2-3 years older than you, but I expect you'll get along just fine." His tone was closed, commanding. Merlin took that to mean that not getting along wasn't an option.
Merlin held tight to Uther's hand and tried not to hide behind him. There was a carriage arriving in the courtyard, heavily laden with trunks, and Merlin waited anxiously to see the passengers. First, the widow stepped down, her full skirts sweeping around her as she surveyed the castle. She immediately headed for them and Merlin was hard pressed to see the boy jumping out of the carriage around her bulky dress.
"Your Majesty." She curtsied deeply in front of Uther who immediately stepped forward to help her up.
"Lady Beatrice, I hope your journey was enjoyable."
"Luckily so, Your Royal Highness." Her eyes met Merlin's gaze. "Oh! Is this your new ward, Sire? He's absolutely precious! Cedric, stop dallying and come here!" She studied Merlin closely as Uther pulled him forward.
"Yes, this is Merlin."
Merlin waited until the boy, Cedric, joined them and bowed. The lady curtsied once again, though not as deeply, and Cedric bowed, though Merlin noticed his form was lazy. The lady was fawning over him. "Oh, he's adorable. So young, Sire! It's a pleasure to meet you, Lord Merlin. Isn't it Cedric?" Merlin was started at being addressed as a lord. The castle staff sometimes called him 'young Master' or 'Master Merlin,' but no one had told him he had a title! Where had it come from?
Cedric was studying Merlin just as much as Merlin was studying him. "Of course, I hope we become great friends, my Lord." He spoke sweetly and bowed once more. Merlin smiled in what he hoped was a welcoming way. Cedric frowned and narrowed his eyes. Merlin worried what that meant.
Uther nodded approvingly at Merlin. "Well now, why don't we allow our guests to settle in. Lady Morgana will come to find you, Lady Beatrice. I am afraid she's been detained with other duties. Mary here," he waved the servant forward, "can watch over the boys as they play."
Beatrice turned to face Mary, "You may collect Cedric after lunch." Her tone was much more clipped, Merlin noticed.
Mary curtsied in reply. Uther waved forward a servant to lead them to their rooms and he, too, left after a gentle pat to Merlin's head. "It's your turn to play host, Merlin, though I greatly envy your freedom to play. Do get along with the boy."
Merlin and Mary were left standing on the step alone. Merlin heard her mumble quietly, "That one is going to be a handful."
If Merlin hadn't already been worried, that would have been enough to get him started.
Merlin had to beg, as much as he could without actual words, to be allowed to run with the knights that afternoon. Mary had finally given in, but it was Arthur that turned him away. "Merlin, you're supposed to be entertaining Gaedric's son – whatsisname, Cedric. I need you to at least try to make friends, Merlin. Go on."
Merlin stood there despondently as the men took off without him, their faces more serious than they had been yesterday. Mary gently guided him away. "Don't be sad, Merlin. You have someone your own age to play with now. Come along. It's time for you to eat."
After a small lunch that left Merlin even more queasy, they finally made their way to collect Cedric. Lady Beatrice was waiting for them.
She spoke brusquely to Mary before letting them go. "I don't want him spending too much time in the sun, you hear. And I don't want him running willy-nilly. Don't tire him out, you hear, he's had a long journey and busy day. Have him back before supper." Turning to Cedric, she said, "And you, behave yourself. You know what you're here to do."
Cedric brushed her off. "Can we go now?"
"Before supper!" She warned Mary as they left.
As soon as the door closed, Cedric turned to Merlin and in the whiniest voice Merlin had ever heard, said, "Finally! So, what are we going to do, Lord Merlin?"
Merlin looked back at him blankly. He didn't know.
"Don't you have any plans?" Merlin shook his head. "Well, what about your room?" Merlin shook his head. He had a bad feeling about Cedric, and no way was he going to bring him to Arthur's room.
Cedric stopped in his tracks and gave him a disbelieving stare. "You don't have a room?" He turned away to Mary. "Take us to Lord Merlin's room."
Mary took one look at Merlin and shook her head. Maybe Merlin wasn't the only one wary of Cedric? "I'm afraid I cannot do that. Prince Arthur does not like to have strangers in his room. He hasn't given me permission to bring you boys there. Perhaps you could play elsewhere?"
"I didn't tell you to take us to Prince Arthur's room. I said take us to Lord Merlin's room." Cedric's voice became harder. He turned to Merlin. "Don't you talk at all? What's wrong with you?"
Merlin tried to speak but his mouth flapped uselessly. Mary came to his rescue. "Master Merlin shares rooms with Prince Arthur and there is nothing wrong with him. He prefers not to speak."
Cedric stared at Merlin, incredulous. "You prefer not to speak. Oh, this is just great. I'm stuck with a dumb mute." Merlin tried not to cringe. Cedric walked a few steps away and then came back. "Well, what do you do in your free time, then? Surely, you don't sit around and stare at everyone, do you Merlin."
At last, Cedric had stopped calling him lord, but the sarcastic inflection was now applied to his name. Merlin turned to Mary. Over the last few days, she'd come to understand his mimed signals fairly well. He signaled for riding and she nodded. Merlin thought she agreed rather eagerly, as if she was glad to finally have a plan to follow. "In the afternoons, Master Merlin goes for a ride. Can you ride, sir?"
Cedric rolled his eyes. "Of course, I can ride. Let's go then."
The day didn't get any easier. On arriving at the stables, Cedric was outraged at being given a pony to ride. "Why at home, I ride my father's old warhorse!"
Henry, the stable master, wasn't having it. "In your home, you may do whatever you like, but here, children ride ponies. See, Master Merlin will be riding a pony."
Cedric gave Merlin a sour look. Or maybe he was looking at Tidbit and Merlin merely happened to be in the way. Either way, Cedric wasn't giving in without a fight. While he argued with Henry, Merlin saddled Tidbit thoughtfully. He'd never felt ashamed of riding a pony. To be honest, the fully-grown horses scared Merlin – they were so big! He needed a stool or step just to mount Tidbit! Why was Cedric so upset? He wasn't that much older than Merlin though he was taller by a couple of hands. He wouldn't have any trouble mounting a pony like he would mounting a horse.
Merlin hugged Tidbit and Tidbit nuzzled back, affectionately licking at Merlin's ears.
At length, Cedric was forced to yield and they both set off on ponies. Mary, out of sight during Cedric's argument, appeared just long enough to remind them of the rules and time limit. Cedric ignored her and took off at a canter. Merlin waved apologetically and caught up.
"Well? Show me around."
Merlin set a steady pace and toured around his usual route. He didn't mean to stop at his usual haunts, but everywhere he went, staff waved to him. Ulric welcomed them to play with the pups but Merlin shook his head as he passed. He couldn't avoid stopping when Big Mary waved to them; the eggs had hatched! They couldn't hold them today, she said, but she let them have a good look and sent them on their way with piping hot iced buns.
Everywhere they stopped, Cedric was overly sweet and charming with the adults. But as soon as they left, he launched into complaints and comparisons with his home. It set Merlin on edge and he hurried through his route, arriving back at the stables with plenty of time to spare.
"Is that it?" Cedric whined.
Merlin hesitated. He wanted desperately to get away from Cedric but he remembered Uther's warning to get along.
Cedric turned his pony. "I want to explore some more. Let's go."
With a sigh, Merlin followed only to halt when he saw where Cedric was headed. He hurried Tidbit and headed off Cedric.
Cedric was annoyed. "What are you doing?"
Merlin pointed at the gate and shook his head. Cedric gave him a measuring look and then broke into a nasty smile. "What is it? Tell me, Merlin."
Merlin repeated the gesture. Cedric rode around him. "I don't hear anything, Merlin."
Merlin tried to pull Cedric's reins back but Cedric knocked his hands away. "I'm going out. If you're too scared, too bad for you."
Merlin watched as Cedric rode out. He hoped the guards would stop him, but they didn't even look at him. Merlin realized he was breathing too fast. He had to calm down. I didn't break the rules. He didn't want to return without Cedric but there was no way he would ride after him. In the end, Merlin sat at the gate and waited for Cedric to return. The bells tolled their deadline, but still he didn't return.
Eventually, Mary found Merlin still waiting at the gate. "Merlin!" Oh, her voice was cross!
"Merlin, where have you been? Where's Cedric?"
Merlin pointed at the gate. "You went outside?!" She was frantic now.
Merlin shook his head and pointed at himself. "Merlin, why didn't you stop him?" Merlin threw up his arms, half frustrated and half afraid. He'd tried!
Mary was close to hyperventilating now, but thankfully, Cedric chose that moment to return. "Sir, you must remain in the keep!"
Cedric gave her an innocent look. "Merlin didn't say anything to me."
Merlin's jaw dropped. Mary glanced between them and finally said, "Well, at least you are returned now." When Cedric rode ahead, Mary held Merlin back. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to ride alone anymore, Merlin. In fact, perhaps it's best if you don't ride at all while he's here."
Merlin couldn't help it. Hot tears of frustration escaped from his eyes. Mary wiped his face. "I'm sorry, Merlin. I don't think you broke the rules today, but I can't trust that Cedric will follow the rules. It's for the best."
Merlin wiped his own face and rode to the stables. His post ride routine was cut short by Cedric's whining voice. "You have to take care of your mount? Isn't that what the servants are for? Where are the stable boys?"
Henry approached them. "I'll take care of your rides, boys." When Merlin didn't move, Henry crouched low to meet his eyes. "I'll take good care of Tidbit, Master Merlin. Go on, go play with your friend." As he leaned over Merlin, he whispered "I just want him out of here. Sorry, Merlin."
Merlin was sick with frustration. He didn't even get to say goodbye to Tidbit, or explain why he wouldn't ride tomorrow!
Luckily, Cedric had become bored of him and demanded to be returned to his rooms. Mary was glad to be rid of him, Merlin saw. As soon as they arrived back in Arthur's chambers, Mary plopped herself down in a chair with a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Merlin. That one is going to be trouble, I just know it."
Merlin nodded and threw himself on the bed. "You can take a nap if you want, Merlin. You're meant to dine with the King tonight. I'll wake you in time for that. I wouldn't mind some quiet time."
Merlin sat up in surprise. "Arthur?" His voice was a little strangled, but the prospect of spending time with Arthur had him excited. Dinner with Uther might also mean Morgana would be there.
Mary looked at him in surprise, it was the first time Merlin had spoken to her. She smiled kindly before shaking her head. "I don't think he'll be joining you. He asked me to take you there and bring you back after."
Merlin flopped back down. If this is what Yule was about, he didn't like it. Not one bit.
It didn't get any better. The next day, Cedric and Merlin wandered aimlessly about the castle. Cedric's constant complaints had Merlin on edge the whole day and the only break he had was at lunchtime because Lady Beatrice insisted that Cedric must attend mealtimes with her. She didn't bother inviting Merlin and Merlin was secretly grateful. That afternoon, Mary was called to help in the kitchens and Merlin was left alone with Cedric for a few hours. Cedric had made it his mission to goad Merlin into speaking, but all it did was frustrate Merlin even more. If he could speak, he would have done so, but Cedric didn't seem to get it. He made up outrageous stories about Merlin's origins, made fun of Tidbit's name, and generally made snide comments about anything and everything.
It was desperation that drew Merlin to the chicken coop. Big Mary had said they could hold the chicks today and Merlin was eager.
Cedric was unimpressed. "You really are a simpleton. Don't you know chickens are dirty?"
Still, he joined Merlin in peering through the wire as the chicks flopped about the coop and Merlin turned to go find Big Mary for permission. She was busy directing the kitchen servants through a set of tasks, waving wildly with the wooden spoon in her hand. As he waited to catch her attention, a large commotion drew everyone outside.
Merlin was flabbergasted. Cedric had gone into the coop and was being attacked by the hens. As he ran around, screaming and waving his arms, he trampled over chickens and chicks. Merlin watched in disbelief as Cedric threw an egg at the largest hen following him.
Big Mary bellowed, yes, bellowed, and marched right in. "Out! Get out! Out of my chicken coop, you filthy rascal!"
Cedric ran out screaming only to turn and yell back, "How dare you call me that? Do you know who I am?"
They began shouting at each other. Big Mary looked like she wanted nothing more than to smack Cedric with her spoon and Merlin carefully edged around them. He stepped into the coop and let his magic seep out enough until the hens calmed and settled. They herded their chicks into their nests and stood protectively over them. A single chick chirped pitifully as it flopped about on the ground. Merlin picked it up gently, holding it to his chest. The chick was badly hurt and Merlin could feel it weakening. He wept as he held it, startling when Big Mary lifted him up, chick and all. Merlin held it out to her.
She looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry, Merlin. There's nothing we can do to help it. She took the chick from him and handed it to another servant, turning Merlin away. He couldn't see, but he heard and felt it when the servant snapped the chick's neck. Big Mary soothed him and carried him into the kitchen. "Mary, perhaps you can escort the young sir to his mother. I'll keep Merlin here until you return."
Mary dusted the flour from her apron and led a protesting Cedric out while Big Mary settled Merlin on a table in the corner. She waved her hands and almost immediately the staff returned to their tasks, leaving them in the relative privacy of the corner. Bringing him a mug of cider and a fresh honey bun, she said, "Merlin, I know you're sad about the chick, but it was better to do it quickly rather than leave him in pain. You understand that, don't you?"
Merlin did. He really did. But it didn't make him feel any better. He realized he was shaking.
"Merlin, I don't want to upset you, but I don't think it's a good idea for you to play with the chickens anymore." Merlin looked up at her, pleading with his eyes. "Merlin, I trust you to take care of them, but I can't let you go in and keep that boy out. If you go in, he goes in too. You saw what he did today. Do you want that to happen again?"
Merlin shook his head morosely.
"I'm sorry, Merlin. I'll make it up to you when he's gone. Now you stay here and eat your treats while Mary returns for you." With one last pat, she returned to her task.
Merlin drank the cider, but it was sour in his mouth. He turned away from the bun and sat quietly. Mary returned, but was drafted into helping again. Merlin wanted to go back to his room, and he gestured at Mary. Mary, elbows deep in dough, wavered. "Do you know the way back?" He nodded. Mary acquiesced, "You'll head straight back, right Merlin?"
Merlin nodded. Mary gave him one last look before nodding and Merlin set off.
He meant to head back, but as he walked down the back hallways, he met with Gretchen, Katrina's maiden. "Oh! It's Merlin, right?" She had dropped some linens and was struggling to balance the rest. Merlin picked up the fallen linen and made to follow her. "Thank you, Master Merlin. Such a gentleman." She winked at him good-naturedly.
She led the way and entered Katrina's chambers but Merlin hesitated in the doorway.
"I've brought a visitor, milady. He helped me carry the linens."
Merlin heard Katrina's voice from the bed. "Merlin? Come in, little one."
Merlin handed the linens to Gretchen before approaching the bedside. Katrina was pale. He could feel her illness like a cold aura around her. Rather than shy away from it, he let his magic creep into it, feeding it, quieting it. "Oh, Merlin. You look so sad. What's the matter? I heard you had a friend in the castle to play with."
Merlin shook his head, too sad to be bitter about today's events. Katrina studied him but to Merlin's relief, she didn't ask him anything. "Making new friends can be hard, but I believe in you Merlin." She propped herself up and patted the bed beside her. "Come, darling. Sit with me a while. I'm afraid I can't entertain you very well today, but you look like you need some comfort. Come on, up."
Gretchen helped Merlin up, pulling off his boots so he could sit properly on the bed. Katrina waved to the far table and Gretchen brought a small tome from it. "Would you like me to read to you, milady?"
Katrina settled an arm around Merlin. "What do you say, Merlin? Shall we live vicariously through the characters of another story?"
Merlin nodded, managing a small smile. Though his magic was draining, he could feel Katrina strengthening and it was enough to make him happier. While Gretchen read, Merlin spotted Katrina's vials of medicine. Closing his eyes, he diverted some of his magic in a spell to enhance the medicine. It was one Gaius had pointed out in his book and Merlin remembered it easily. Happy at being of some use, he settled in to hear the story and, comforted by Katrina's gentle caresses, never felt sleep overcome him.
When he woke, Uther was carrying him through the darkened hallways. He settled Merlin into bed and sat on the edge as he lit Merlin's candle. "Merlin, Katrina is very ill. Please don't disturb her rest. If you get tired out, you may ask to retire early." He awkwardly patted Merlin's hand and rose to leave. "Tomorrow, you'll have another friend to play with. As more guests arrive, your nanny may be needed to help out with other tasks. Can I trust you to keep your friends safe and in line?"
Merlin wanted to shake his head. Cedric would never listen to him, never mind that Merlin couldn't even speak up to him! But he didn't want to disappoint Uther, so he nodded. Looking content, Uther left.
Merlin lay unhappily, watching the candle burn. He hoped that his new 'friend' would be better behaved. He fell asleep before Arthur returned.
His new friend, Arien, arrived mid-morning.
Arien and Cedric seemed to know each other well, and Merlin feared for what that meant for him. He was bigger than both Merlin and Cedric, and rougher. Arien was just one year short of the minimum age for squire training and resented it and made it known, loudly. Between he and Cedric, Merlin would have thought the world was ending because they were bored.
Nothing in Camelot was good enough for them and it made Merlin wonder just how grand their homes must be. To Merlin, Camelot's castle was the most luxurious and comfortable castle he'd ever been in. Granted, the only other castle he'd been, well, he tried to forget it. Still, it seemed to him that Camelot was beautiful, the service friendly, the food delicious, and altogether a place filled with plenty of adventure. But a simple complaint about scratchy sheets soon escalated into a competition about which boy had the biggest, fluffiest bed in the biggest, grandest room in the biggest castle back home.
Merlin didn't participate, and for the most part he was ignored, treated like a persistent shadow. When Cedric and Arien bored of their chattering, Cedric began to complain about how awful it had been with just Merlin for company. "I mean, he doesn't even speak! What am I supposed to do, teach him?"
Arien laughed and poked Merlin. "Is that true? You don't speak?" Merlin moved away but Arien followed, poking him harder. "What's the matter? Is your tongue missing?" He grabbed Merlin's face and peered into his mouth. Merlin twisted away, his jaw smarting from the larger boy's tight hold. "No, it's in there. Are you dumb?"
Merlin shook his head but Cedric spoke over him. "Of course he is. He doesn't even know how to play. All he's done is take me around the castle and shown me the chickens. AND his stupid chickens attacked me!"
Arien laughed and poked Cedric. "He set the chickens on you? At least it wasn't the hounds!" He laughed loudly.
Merlin's cheeks were flushing. He wished he was anywhere but here. He tried to laugh along, to fit in, but it only prompted more rude comments about his intelligence.
Cedric managed to stop whining long enough to make a suggestion. "We haven't even been to the kennels yet. Let's go!"
Cedric pushed Merlin until he led them to the kennels, a sinking feeling in his tummy. Ulric wasn't there and Merlin wanted to go find him but the bigger boys pushed past him. He listened as they made fun of the hounds (and Merlin).
"Look at it's ears! They're just as big as Merlin's!"
"No, Merlin's ears are huuuuge!"
They pinched his ears until Merlin took refuge with the puppies in the back of the kennels. They found him soon enough and began to pick on the pups as well. They pointed at the runt in the latest litter, even daring to enter the small corral.
"Look Merlin, this one is a runt, just like you!"
They chased the puppy around the corral, pushing the others out of the way. In no time at all, they'd whipped all the dogs in the kennel into a frenzy, the deeper barks of the grown hounds punctuated by the yips of the pups. When they caught the smallest pup, they tugged at its ears and held it aloft by a single leg. When it nipped at them, Arien held it's mouth cruelly tight.
Finally, Merlin could stand it no more. He tried to pull the puppy away but the boys began to toss it between them. Sick with desperation, Merlin charged into Cedric, untangling himself in time to catch the puppy and run. He ran into the cage with the hunting hounds and hid in the back. The dogs blocked him out of sight and growled warningly when Cedric and Arien passed by, searching for Merlin. Merlin let his magic soothe the puppy, holding tightly to it. The largest scenting hound approached Merlin and sat right in front of him, effectively hiding him, and licked away his tears.
The clamor had brought Ulric running back to his charges. He was upset to find Cedric and Arien teasing some of the other hounds and set about scolding them. They protested, blaming Merlin, but Ulric was firm and he banned them from entering the kennels. Once he calmed the dogs, he called out for Merlin.
The basset guarding them gave a single long howl in reply. Ulric approached and crouched beside the small huddle. He pulled out a rag and wiped Merlin's face. "What happened, Merlin?"
Merlin had slipped the puppy into his tunic and he lifted his shirt enough to reveal it. Ulric gently took him and checked him over. "Did they hurt him, Merlin?"
Merlin tugged his own ears and mimed throwing something into the air. Ulric's face grew angry and Merlin whimpered. Ulric pet his head, soothing him. "I'm not angry with you, Merlin. Thank you for hiding this young'un away. And good job, Droopy, on guarding them both." He pet the basset as well. Merlin could already hear the but coming.
"Merlin, I know you would never hurt the dogs, but I need to ask you to keep away. I don't want those boys back here. Can you do that for me?"
Merlin was too angry to cry. He hadn't done anything wrong. At this rate, he wouldn't have anywhere left to go in the castle!
But in all reality, there was nothing he could do about it. For whatever reason, the adults seemed to think that permission was an all or nothing concept. Merlin may be clueless about a lot of things, but he knew from harsh experience that rules and permissions could be applied individually and this all just felt unfair.
He nodded tightly and got up to leave without hesitation. Ulric tried to apologize behind him, but Merlin didn't want to hear it. He'd heard too many apologies already. He wandered out and headed into the servants' corridors, not wanting to be found by Cedric and Arien again. He wandered aimlessly until a quiet humming caught his attention.
In an unused room, Merlin found Gwen sewing with several other maids. She looked up and though she looked surprised, her expression was a happy one. "Merlin!"
All of the maids looked up and greeted Merlin happily. He waved shyly and hurried to stand next to Gwen. She studied his face worriedly. "Merlin, what happened? Were you crying?"
Merlin shook his head but shrugged in resignation. Gwen pursed her lips. "Did those boys hurt you?" Merlin didn't answer right away. They hadn't done more than poke and pinch him, but they kept getting him banned from his favorite places. He delayed too long in answering and Gwen reached out to hug him. Merlin leaned into it, finding that he very much missed Gwen. He wished he could hide in her skirts away from the world. "Why don't you sit with us, Merlin? I'm afraid I can't play with you, but you're so well behaved and helpful. I'm sure the girls wouldn't mind if you joined us."
The maids in the room resoundingly echoed Gwen's sentiment and Merlin eagerly curled up beside Gwen. He was content to listen to the quiet chatter and Gwen's humming as they worked on their tasks. Many of them were preparing the servants' finery but Gwen was working on a new dress for Morgana. He happily fetched bobbins, searched for dropped needles, and helped pick out beads. In no time at all, he felt better. They paused for lunch and Merlin was happy to eat from their simpler fare in the quiet room.
Not long after lunch, Arthur's voice could be heard in the corridor. "Guinevere! Have you seen Guinevere?"
Merlin sat up from where he was bent over a tray of feathers; Arthur sounded upset! Gwen was just setting the dress aside when Arthur appeared in the doorway. "Guinevere, there you are! Merlin's missing. I need you to- "
Arthur cut off as he spotted Merlin standing behind Gwen. "Merlin! There you are! Where have you been?!"
He roughly picked up Merlin and held him up to his eye level. Merlin was caught off guard by Arthur's brusque manner.
"Please, Sire! He's been with me. I can assure you he was well behaved."
The maids left the room, giving them privacy. Arthur tightened his grip on Merlin. "He was supposed to be with Cedric and Arien. They came to tell me Merlin had left them alone. Why did you do that, Merlin? You promised me you would try to get along!"
Arthur was really angry and Merlin was feeling sick again. His breathing hitched but he couldn't even bring himself to meet Arthur's eyes. He'd let Arthur down and now Arthur was angry.
When people were angry, it usually spelled bad things for Merlin.
Gwen reached out to pull Merlin from Arthur and gently set him on the bench behind her. She then stood protectively in front of him. He gripped tightly to her dress, afraid she would leave. "Sire, please. I don't think you understand the situation. Can I have a word with you?"
Arthur huffed but nodded. Gwen turned to Merlin. "Merlin, please wait outside."
Merlin hurried out. He stood near the doorway and spotted Cedric and Arien making faces at him from the end of the corridor. Merlin felt his ears burn and turned his back to them, crouching down to hug his knees. Inside he could hear snippets of Gwen and Arthur's hushed conversation.
'crying'
'abandoned him yesterday too'
His eyes burned and new tears ran down his face. Merlin bit his lip in frustration and tuned out the conversation.
After a few minutes, Arthur appeared in front of Merlin. With a sigh, he tried to lift Merlin but Merlin resisted, not wanting Arthur to see him crying.
Arthur persisted and carried Merlin inside the room. He turned away to wipe his face and noticed Gwen had left. A new wave of sadness hit him.
Arthur turned him back. At least he looked calmer. "Merlin, I'm not angry with you. I'm just upset at being pulled from training to look for you and thinking you were missing. Then I hear from father that you did this yesterday too. Why don't you stay with the boys, Merlin?"
Merlin didn't answer. Some part of him was still hurt by Arthur's brusque manner and offhand tone. Merlin had done everything he promised and he was still the only one in trouble. It just wasn't fair!
"Merlin, look, have they hurt you?"
Merlin didn't answer. He didn't know if what they'd done to him counted as being hurt. And even if he told, what could possibly come of it? In his experience, talking about being hurt only ever led to more hurt. It was better if he kept silent.
Arthur shook his head and pulled Merlin out of the room. "Merlin, you promised to behave. You promised to try to get along. Where is behavior this coming from?"
That was it. Merlin pulled his hand away and backed away from Arthur. His magic rose up and he could feel it sparking in his eyes. I kept my promises. I did. It's not my fault they hate me! And what about your promise?
Arthur looked surprised by Merlin's outburst. He didn't answer, instead picking up Merlin and rushing them to his room. "What are you thinking, Merlin? You can't use your magic where others can see! Don't do that again!"
Merlin pulled away as soon as he was able. You promised too. Arthur had promised to spend time with Merlin. He'd said no one in Camelot would hurt him. Merlin wanted to say it all, yell it actually, but it was like his mouth was overwhelmed and nothing could get through.
Arthur ran his hand through his hair. Merlin finally noticed that Arthur was still wearing the padded suit used for drills. Arthur hadn't even bothered to change before looking for Merlin – he must have been truly worried. He felt guilty suddenly, and deflated.
"I don't have time for this, Merlin. I have my own responsibilities, just like Gwen has hers and you have yours. I need to train harder. Everyone expects me to win this tournament but I haven't been training as much beca-"
Arthur cut himself off but it was too late. Merlin understood what he meant to say. He hadn't been training because he'd been taking care of Merlin. After these last days, Merlin understood. Merlin was a great inconvenience all around.
I'm sorry.
He didn't know what he was apologizing for; it could have been for today, or yesterday, or all time, Merlin couldn't find it in himself to decide. He felt both sad and angry, and of the two emotions, sadness was safer. Being sad couldn't get him in trouble. Being sad was familiar.
Arthur looked like he wanted to say something and Merlin interrupted him. I'll keep trying. Don't worry about me.
He climbed into bed and curled up with his back to Arthur. Just, please. Please, no more today. I don't feel good.
Arthur sighed and in the silence of the room, the clanging of training could be heard through the window. "Fine. Tomorrow, if… well, just try. For me, Merlin."
Merlin spent the rest of the day wallowing in his own pity. His mum had always said to look for the good in everything and Merlin did that now, listing the good things.
He had a full belly.
He had a roof over his head and a soft bed to sleep on.
He had a fire to keep him warm.
…and he wasn't being hurt. At least he wasn't being hurt. He clung to that thought as he fell asleep.
The next day, Arien and Cedric taunted him mercilessly, calling him a baby and making fun of him for crying. Merlin bore it, he had heard plenty worse, and didn't rise to the bait. Eventually they lost interest and played games with each other. Merlin tried to stay out of their way but in the afternoon, reenergized by lunch, they lured Merlin outside to an out of the way courtyard. They wrestled against each other, hardly a fair match to Merlin's eyes but he was content to be left out. After several straight losses, it became too much for Cedric and he whined until Arien left him alone. Arien squared off with Merlin, Merlin shaking his head and backing away. Catching on to his fear, Cedric moved behind Merlin and blocked his escape.
"Is the wittle baby afraid of a wittle wrestling?" Arien kept stalking forward.
Cedric pushed Merlin forward, taunting, "Are you going to cry, baby?"
Arien caught Merlin and Merlin found himself knocked down and crushed under Arien's weight. Cedric was egging Arien on, safely out of reach. "Make him cry, Arien!"
But Arien backed off and Merlin's hopes raised. Maybe he could get away!
As he took off running, Arien jerked him off his feet by his shirt. He lifted Merlin easily and threw him to the side. Merlin turned where he fell, totally panicked now, and he kicked out, catching Arien on the shin. Arien howled and hopped on one foot. Cedric came up and stepped on Merlin's hand, keeping him pinned on the ground. "You dirty cheat! Kicking's not allowed in wrestling! Don't you know anything?"
Merlin tried to push Cedric off his hand but Arien had recovered. He pulled Merlin's free hand and twisted it up behind his back. Merlin finally cried out, overwhelmed by the searing pain in his shoulder and the memory of the last time he'd been disabled that way. His struggles renewed, strange fearful noises escaping from him, and Arien and Cedric backed off, scared of Merlin's reaction. As soon as he was free, Merlin took off. They tried to grab him and followed him out of the courtyard, but Merlin easily lost them. He ran and ran, not sure where he was going, knowing only that he couldn't go to Gwen or Katrina, or Morgana, or Arthur. They were busy. Everyone was busy; he mustn't disturb them.
His feet took him to the only other refuge he knew. There was only one place left, one being that might possibly take him in. He hesitated outside the guardroom, then let his magic out to freeze them in place while he ran through. As soon as he was past, they continued, the dice continuing their roll as if nothing had happened. He reached the bottom of the stairs and hesitated again. What if Kilgharrah didn't want Merlin bothering him either?
As if sensing his presence, he heard Kilgharrah land on the nearby outcropping.
"Young warlock, is that you?"
Merlin edged out, cradling his arm in front of him.
"Come forward, Merlin. Don't be afraid."
Merlin inched closer. Can I – he trailed off, fearing rejection.
Kilgharrah encouraged him with a gentle nod. "Ask, Merlin."
I… Can I sit with you? Please? Merlin couldn't help the edge of desperation that crept into his plea.
Kilgharrah leaned closer and studied Merlin. "Of course. Would you like to join me on my rock?"
Merlin nodded, deeply relieved at being welcomed. Kilgharrah hummed and several boulders rose to form a sort of bridge. Without prompting, Merlin hopped across them until he stood with the great dragon. He was taken aback by the sheer size of the creature.
Kilgharrah settled down and gestured for Merlin to sit with him. Merlin hesitated. It was cold down here, and he did crave some comfort. Finally, he gingerly sat with his back against Kilgharrah's belly, cuddling deep into the heat radiating from him. It was like when he sat with Arthur, but ten times stronger.
Kilgharrah craned his neck to face Merlin. "Merlin, what happened to your arm?"
Merlin hesitated. He wanted so desperately to tell someone all that had happened, to have someone finally know his side of the story, but he was afraid of angering Kilgharrah.
As if sensing his apprehension, Kilgharrah hummed. "Do not hold back, Merlin. You can trust me. We are kin, remember? Come, tell me why you are distressed."
It was like Kilgharrah broke a dam inside Merlin. Without the difficulty of speaking to slow him, Merlin poured out the memories of the past few days and all his feelings. He caressed Kilgharrah's scales gently as he communicated, eventually slowing and running out of things to show. He felt silly, suddenly, for confessing his small woes to such a magnificent creature. He wiped his face clean and tried to sniffle his nose clear.
But Kilgharrah didn't mind. He listened and though he hummed warningly, he never made Merlin feel afraid. "Come, child, stand in front of me." Merlin obediently stood up. Kilgharrah touched the tip of his great snout to Merlin's hurt arm. The pain mostly disappeared, leaving a dull throb only when Merlin moved his arm. Elated, Merlin hugged Kilgharrah without a thought, backing off hurriedly when his mind caught up.
Kilgharrah chuckled, and Merlin felt better. "I'm glad to help, young warlock. However, it's not healed completely. I don't want those boys to suspect anything untoward and you should show the bruises to the princeling."
Merlin resumed his seat. He didn't know how he would bring it up to Arthur, but Kilgharrah was right. Maybe then, Merlin wouldn't be forced to play with Arien and Cedric.
Can I stay a little longer?
"Yes, you may. It's been a long time since I've had company." Merlin cuddled against Kilgharrah's belly. "Would you like to talk about anything?"
Merlin thought for a moment. He had a lot of questions but he wasn't in the mood to ask about anything heavy. Can you tell me about dragons?
Kilgharrah hummed thoughtfully. What about them?
Merlin played idly with Kilgharrah's front paw, exploring the textures of the dragon's anatomy. What is it like to be a dragon? Were you ever small?
Kilgharrah laughed at that. Yes, young warlock. I was once smaller than you!
Merlin listened carefully to Kilgharrah for a great long while, held enthralled by the dragon's descriptions and occasionally treated to visions of Kilgharrah's memories. He felt small and yet safe against him, lulled by the great dragon's deep heartbeat. He would have sat there forever, but Kilgharrah kept track of the time.
"They will miss you if you stay away too long, Merlin."
Merlin looked down at his hands, sad but cognizant of the truth in Kilgharrah's words.
Kilgharrah nudged him lightly. "You can always come back, Merlin. I will be here."
Merlin felt a little guilty at that. He touched the chain on Kilgharrah's rear leg, feeling the dark magic wound into it. "Another day, Merlin. The time will come when you will free me. For now, you must return aboveground. Come back and visit me when you can."
Merlin nodded. Wanting to impress Kilgharrah, he incanted the levitation spell and reformed the bridge. Kilgharrah chuckled and nudged him forward. "A quick learner, I see! Good job, little one. Now go!"
Merlin reluctantly headed forward. He froze time once more to pass through the guardroom and ran all the way up to the main level. Not hearing a commotion, and lacking any guidance, Merlin returned to Arthur's room and settled in to wait for supper to be delivered.
As he ate, Arthur came storming in with Leon not far behind him. He threw his armor angrily against a corner and stomped forward to kick off his boots. Noticing Merlin's pale face peeking from behind the chair, Leon stepped forward to grip Arthur's shoulder. "Arthur! Calm down," he hissed.
Arthur shook him off. "How can I calm down when I let that – that – that cretin land points on me, Leon! He's just barely of age!"
Arthur shrugged off his padding. Merlin watched as Leon stepped into Arthur's space. "Arthur, you're overtraining. You cannot keep pushing yourself so and not make mistakes. It's not the end of the world. Everyone knows you're the best swordfighter."
Arthur shook his head, finally sitting on the edge of the bed and letting his shoulders slump. "I don't want to win because I'm the prince Leon. I want to win on my own merit alone."
Leon shook his head in exasperation. "I'll thrash anyone who dares throw the fight, but I'll thrash you first if you insist on driving yourself into the ground. You need to take some time off Arthur. You've sunk your head so far into this, you've forgotten a certain little someone." He gestured at Merlin and it took all Merlin's strength not to hide from sight.
Arthur groaned and ran his hands over his face. "Merlin." He stood again, and walked over to ruffle Merlin's hair. "Thank you, Leon. Why don't you dine with us?"
Leon bowed his head and backed out of the room. "I have plans, Sire, thank you. Good night, Merlin."
Merlin waved, then turned to watch Arthur who was now sitting broodily in the chair next to Merlin, looking towards the door. Merlin was sure that Arthur was wishing he could be somewhere else too.
Merlin picked at his plate, aware that Arthur had yet to touch his own. He could feel Arthur's temper around him. He wondered what had caused it.
He'd been afraid, when Arthur first entered, that he was angry at Merlin for disappearing again, but it was clear that there was something else on his mind. He wondered why Cedric and Arien hadn't turned him in. They had certainly enjoyed watching him be scolded yesterday.
"If you're done eating, Merlin, then just leave it. Don't play with your food." Arthur's tone was tired and Merlin was afraid enough of incurring his wrath to push his plate aside. He hadn't been eating much lately, and he knew he was losing weight again, but as long as Arthur didn't notice it should be alright.
They sat at the table in tense silence until Merlin cracked. Are you alright?
Arthur huffed. "No, Merlin. I'm neglecting you to train harder but it seems like I'm just getting worse and it's all for naught." Arthur finally met Merlin's gaze. "I'm a pretty terrible brother, aren't I?"
Any joy Merlin would have felt for being called 'brother' was damped by Arthur's sour mood. It seemed to Merlin that they were both miserable but the only one with the power to change that was stubbornly digging himself deeper.
Merlin didn't know what to say, how to bring up his bruises like Kilgharrah said. Thinking quickly, he fetched the arnica balm from Arthur's side table. He returned to Arthur's side and held it up, offering. Maybe if he could help Arthur with his bruises, Merlin could show him his own.
"Gods, Merlin. Here I am trying to apologize and you just have to make me feel worse, don't you?"
Merlin froze. He didn't understand. Why was it that everything he did lately was such an inconvenience to everyone? He didn't know what to do anymore. There was no way he would have shown Arthur his hurt now, never mind that Arthur hadn't noticed Merlin favoring his arm. In this mood, Arthur was unpredictable and that frightened Merlin for reasons he didn't want to consider.
Depressed once again, he set the balm jar on the table and climbed into bed, his back to Arthur.
"I didn't mean it, Merlin. I just – I'm in a bad mood. Don't listen to me when I'm like this."
Merlin willed sleep to take him. If the last few days were anything to go by, tomorrow would be a lot worse.
Strangely enough, Arien and Cedric didn't immediately begin to pick on him the next day.
They tiptoed around him until they realized that Merlin hadn't told anyone about being hurt yesterday. Still, they whispered to each other and Merlin had the sinking feeling that they were planning something again. After a lengthy, hushed, discussion, they brought out wooden shields and swords.
"Merlin, have you ever played knights?"
Merlin shook his head. He was caught off guard by Cedric's innocent question.
Arien grinned. "Let's teach him then. You do want to play with us, don't you, Merlin?"
Merlin didn't like the intonation on his name but it seemed safe enough. Were they finally going to let him play something fun? He nodded, full of hope.
"Excellent. Well, we can't all be knights. We need someone to be a bandit!"
Merlin knew right then, he'd fallen into their trap. Looking at the pile, he counted. Only two of everything.
Cedric poked Merlin. "Or a sorcerer. This one looks like a sorcerer to me!"
Merlin couldn't help it, he let out a gasp of fear. Cedric couldn't possibly know about his magic but just the suggestion terrified Merlin.
It was the opening they were waiting for.
"Perfect. Cedric and I will be knights and you, Merlin, will be the sorcerer." He pushed Merlin back. "You better run, sorcerer! If we catch you, we'll execute you!"
Merlin shook his head. He didn't want to play. Arien whipped his arm and Merlin was left with a smarting cheek where the play sword had hit him.
"Better run…" Arien leaned close, "sorcerer!"
So Merlin ran. Unlike yesterday, he didn't lose them as easily. He could outrun them, but there was nowhere for him to take refuge. They passed servants and guards, but they were busy and Merlin didn't dare interrupt them. Every once in a while, one of the boys would disappear only to reappear ahead of Merlin. Cedric nearly caught him a few times when Merlin doubled back to get away from Arien, but rather than grab Merlin, he pushed him away with his wooden buckler.
They were herding him. They must have practiced this, but Merlin didn't have a chance to get around them. He'd been pushed away from the populated corridors and down into the lower levels of the castle. He ducked into the library to catch his breath and was nearly trapped. While Arien stalked the rows, Cedric guarded the door. Merlin stayed low and knew he could not let himself be caught. Shutting his eyes, he let his magic come to his aid. He ducked around a frozen Cedric and waited until he was around the corner before letting time snap back.
He'd done it!
He ran right into a guard. "Merlin, what are you doing down here?"
Merlin ducked around him, but the boys were right behind. He heard Cedric explain that they were playing and kept running. At the next flight of stairs, he went down, hoping to throw them off. Maybe, if he could just lose them long enough, he could get to Kilgharrah. He went down another flight and tripped, only just catching himself. But his stumble gave him away. He could hear the bigger boys shouting behind him.
He reached a long corridor. He was tiring, and Arien was right behind him now. Merlin saw a doorway up ahead and ducked in only to stop violently.
It opened onto a dark stairway and Merlin knew with all his might that he did NOT want to go down there. His senses screamed at him to get away. He tried to hurry away but he'd hesitated too long.
Arien's heavy arm wrapped around his neck, holding him in place. "Gotcha!"
Merlin struggled with everything he had. By luck, he caught Arien's shin with a kick and he felt the hold loosen. But his kick had knocked them both off balance and with a wild yell, they tumbled down the stairs. Merlin was completely winded and he hurt in several places but nothing felt broken. They'd been lucky.
He could hear Arien groaning behind him, but couldn't see him.
It was too dark.
Merlin tried to crawl away, back up the stairs, but his body was sluggish from the fall. His skin crawled as he felt the slimy dampness of the stones under his hands. A light approached and Merlin had never been so glad to see Cedric, carrying a torch.
"Did you get him?"
Merlin opened his mouth, wanting the game to end now, but no words came forth.
"Bloody bastard pulled me down the stairs." Arien was regaining his feet.
Bastard.
Merlin struggled onto his hands and knees. He needed to get away. A kick knocked him down.
"Where do you think you're going, sorcerer?"
Merlin sobbed openly. He didn't care if they called him a baby. He didn't want to play anymore. He tried once more to crawl away.
Arien straddled him and pulled his arm back. His shoulder burned afresh and Merlin cried out. It left him empty of air, Arien's weight was crushing him.
"Looks like our sorcerer is all out of power. What should we do with it?"
"Lock him up!"
Arien hauled Merlin up as Cedric led the way. They'd fallen right into the dungeons. The smell hit him first. Merlin would recognize it anywhere and it had him panicked. His breaths came too fast, too shallow, and made him lightheaded. He didn't want to breathe in, as much as he needed the air.
The cells they passed were empty but Merlin could feel haunting presences in them. Were there ghosts in them?
Finally, Cedric pulled open the door to a cell. "Welcome to your new home, sorcerer."
Merlin struggled again, ignoring the pain in his shoulder. He braced his feet against the bars and pushed back – he couldn't go in there! This time, his desperate cries were ignored. Arien wrapped an arm around Merlin's neck to hold him still as he pushed him inside.
Out of desperation, Merlin bit him.
Arien yelled and let go, but Cedric was quick to block Merlin's escape. Merlin kicked him but Cedric whipped the torch forward. Merlin was forced to duck and was met instead with Arien's fist. Merlin threw his own fist forward, and hit something, but was caught in a giant bear hug. He kept kicking, catching something twice, but with his heavier bulk, Arien managed to manhandle him into the cell. He was thrown down and the smell of rotting hay filled his nose.
The door clanged shut as he scrambled up, his left arm giving out before he got his legs under him. He rushed forward on his knees, using the bars to pull himself up.
Merlin let out a desperate yell, gripping the bars and shaking the door. Arien, holding a hand over his eye, kicked out to crush Merlin's fingers. "Don't worry, sorcerer! We'll come back for you."
Cedric leaned close, his face bloody. "We th-till have to ecthecute you."
Merlin retched where he leaned against the bars. His stomach was empty but the purging had nothing to do with an overfull stomach. The contractions hurt his ribs but all Merlin could do was ride it out. He heard them talking distantly.
"Hey, maybe we should let him go. I think he's really sick."
"Are you kidding? After he threw me down the stairs and broke your nose? We'll leave him here until we can be sure the bastard won't tell."
Bastard. It wasn't Arien's voice he was hearing. He ground his forehead into the cool bars to anchor himself.
They left then, taking the light with them. Merlin yelled and yelled, no words but desperate primal howls, his voice quickly going hoarse. He shook the door desperately but the padlock held.
He was hyperventilating now. He had to calm down. He slipped down to curl against the wall – just like he always did. He tried to count his breaths but he couldn't remember his numbers.
You're pathetic!
Memories assaulted him. He tried to remember where he was. Had he gone blind?
Bastard.
You'll stay here until you learn to behave!
He was back. Or maybe he never left. The taste of his blood was familiar on his tongue. Was he imagining the chains on him? Chills wracked his body. How long had he been down here?
He couldn't breathe. His heart skipped several beats.
The darkness closed in.
You'll stay here until you learn to behave!
He whimpered, wanting to promise to behave. Anything to be let out.
He did not fall unconscious. He was trapped somewhere between memory and present and unable to move. They could have returned and he would not have known. Would it be the boys? Or would it be Master?
His heart kept missing beats. Or maybe it had stopped?
A great roar startled him, making his heart pound. What was that?
It is I, young warlock!
This voice was familiar too. He wanted to go to it but the darkness still gripped him.
You can make light, young warlock!
No, he couldn't. The collar kept his magic down.
You are not collared, Merlin. Remember where you are.
Yes, his name was Merlin. Only his friends called him that. That's right! He had friends, in Camelot. Camelot, not with Master.
That's correct. Come to me, Merlin. Call forth the light.
But the collar! No – there was no collar. He felt so confused. He waved a hand half-heartedly and was shocked when his favorite blue light bobbed into existence. He struggled up, confirming that he wasn't collared or cuffed or chained. He held onto the door. With a flash of his eyes, the lock opened. He pushed it open and staggered away. He followed the nice voice and without any conscious thought or memory of the trip, found himself in Kilgharrah's cave.
The dragon landed on the outcropping and Merlin's magic burst forth, raising his bridge so he could limp straight into Kilgharrah's warm embrace.
He didn't know how long he sobbed into Kilgharrah's hide but Kilgharrah let him, wrapping his great paw close.
"What happened, Merlin? You were in great distress."
Merlin didn't answer, didn't move, just kept his breath steady. It hurt to take deep breaths but breathing shallow made him uncomfortably aware of his own faltering heartbeat. He focused on Kilgharrah's thundering heart instead. The dragon bent close, Merlin could smell it's smoky breath. With a gentle touch to his forehead, Merlin's mind finally cleared. He rubbed Kilgharrah's snout but remained unable to communicate – he was too frozen inside.
Kilgharrah sighed and curled his head until it was on the ground facing Merlin.
Do you want more stories?
Merlin nodded minutely. He didn't want to think but he was too afraid to let sleep take him. He didn't pay any attention to Kilgharrah's words, listening instead to the rise and fall of the dragon's voice, letting his mind drift. Occasionally, it drifted into a memory and he startled, his breath hitching as he fought to stay calm. In those moments, Kilgharrah hummed deeply, giving Merlin something to anchor himself with. He didn't protest when Merlin gripped his leg too tightly.
Time passed and Merlin made no effort to keep track.
"They are searching for you, Merlin."
Merlin didn't care. He wished he could stay here forever. How long could he drift? Would his body turn to stone without him in it?
"Merlin, you cannot stay here forever nor until you turn to stone. If I contact the old one, will he be able to retrieve you?"
He hadn't meant to think that out loud. And who is the old one?
Kilgharrah sighed and left Merlin in peace again, but it didn't last. A short while later, his peace was interrupted.
"Merlin!"
Arthur sounded angry. Merlin whimpered. Hadn't he had enough for one day?
"Merlin? Kilgharrah! Gaius said you knew where Merlin was?"
Merlin really should say something, but he was too tired. Besides, Arthur didn't care. Arthur was supposed to be training. And now he would be cross with Merlin for disappearing again. Fear finally loosened his tongue – figuratively. You shouldn't have brought him here. He'll be angry that I interrupted his training.
"Merlin, I did not interrupt him and neither did you. They were searching for you above ground. You're in no shape to return on your own. You need help."
It's my fault, please don't tell him. I promised to get along. Please don't tell him I broke my promise. His eyes fell closed in despair.
He heard Kilgharrah repeat his words out loud. If Merlin had any energy left, he would have been cross.
Suddenly, Arthur was there, lifting Merlin into his arms. "No, Merlin. You didn't break your promise. This isn't from breaking a promise. What happened?"
He heard Kilgharrah describe everything Merlin had told him. Merlin realized Kilgharrah's voice was drifting too and he struggled to bring his focus back.
"Oh, Merlin, why didn't you tell me?"
It turned out Merlin did have some energy left after all. He started to cry again, ashamed but unable to hold back from Arthur any longer.
They were knights and I was the sorcerer. They chased me and when they caught me, they put me in the dungeons. I got scared! I'm sorry! I got sick, I'm sorry. I don't want to play anymore. Please don't make me play again! I didn't mean to bother you, I'll stay out of your way. Just, please, I don't want to play anymore.
"Merlin," Arthur whispered.
I tried. I did. I promise. I don't know why they hate me. Please. I don't want to play.
"Merlin," Arthur repeated, louder. "I'm sorry." He held Merlin tighter, loosening when Merlin whimpered. "I'm sorry. I should have figured it out. This is not your fault."
Merlin relaxed into Arthur's arms unwillingly; he was completely spent now. He heard Arthur thank Kilgharrah.
"Take better care of him, princeling."
"I will," Merlin heard Arthur say.
Arthur carried him straight to Gaius. "Gaius, he was with Kilgharrah. Those stupid kids locked him in the dungeon and Merlin somehow made his way to him."
"They did what?" Gaius was incredulous.
Merlin realized he was somewhat detached, aware of things around him but strangely disconnected from his own body.
"And it looks like they beat him too. Merlin says they were playing knights and made him the sorcerer. Wait! Merlin, did they see your magic?"
Merlin mustered his last reserves. He tried to shake his head but it only flopped uselessly to the side. No.
Gaius was checking his eyes, Merlin realized belatedly. The light hurt his eyes and he looked away. He wondered when Arthur had set him down. Gaius tried to get Merlin to look at him, but Merlin's eyes had gone funny. They didn't listen to him anymore. Maybe he had drifted too long. Or was he still drifting?
He felt his shirt being removed and fought not to be sick at the disorientation from being moved.
"Arthur, some of these bruises are not from today."
Arthur leaned into Merlin's field of vision, since when was Arthur so blurry?
"Mer… did they… "
Why was his voice floating away?
Well...
Things are going to pick up now, both in the story and IRL. Hopefully, I can keep up! Just have some faith in me :P (and send pixie dust?)
As always, thank you for your reviews and comments. It really makes my day and cheers me up after a 9-6 day of class. And I've noticed my pace is faster when I get the review notification while I'm running :)
Special shout-out to TN Sarah for catching a mistake in the last one and letting me know! I haven't said before, but this is totally un-beta'd and all mistakes are my own. If you spot something, please let me know.