A great roar of applause greeted them as they entered, nearly startling Merlin into stopping. Arthur and Leon firmly pulled him along until Merlin got his feet under control, working hard to resist the urge to hide behind Arthur. He was glad to see Uther and Morgana and Gwen waiting for them at the head table and was even able to smile shyly. Looking around as they passed the long tables, ladies were pointing to him excitedly which caused his face to burn with a deep blush, and instead he focused on Uther who gave him a minute nod. When at last they reached the head table, Uther stood and all the knights kneeled. Merlin hurriedly copied them.
"Rise, great heroes of Camelot." The knights rose, Leon helping Merlin up. Katrina smiled proudly at Merlin as Uther addressed the whole room. "Tonight, we honor these men for their fearless defense of these lands and her people. Once again, we are attacked by a magical threat with no known weakness to the mundane and yet, once again, our knights have proven victorious." Uther waited until the applause died down. "There can be no doubt that the knights who wear the red cloak are the best of the best, and I dare to say it, the best in all the land!" Again, the people around them cheered.
"But, tonight, we also honor someone - rather unexpected. Someone that has no knightly training and yet has demonstrated valor and intelligence equal to any knight. Someone that, despite having every reason to stay behind rode night and day in a great race to bring critical information to our defending knights." Oh no. Merlin's ears burned as he heard whispering around him. Just before he dropped his eyes, he caught a wink from Morgana. "This person has no place on a field of battle, but when he saw the knights divided and in danger, he courageously distracted the magical monster to give them the time they needed to regroup." Merlin could feel eyes on him and he wanted to disappear into the ground, but Arthur and Leon held his hands tightly and gave him encouraging smiles. He felt uneasy with Uther's words. The griffin was just a magical creature, an animal like any other. Since the fight, he hadn't had time to linger on the fact that he had in fact destroyed it. He killed it. He did it to save Arthur, and many other lives, but he wondered if that would ease the guilt.
Perhaps worse was simply that Uther had called it a monster. He swallowed and buried his thoughts before they overcame him. Uther was still speaking and Merlin forced himself to listen.
"Tonight, we also honor my youngest ward, Merlin, Camelot's little lion heart."
Applause erupted once more and Merlin didn't know what to do or where to look. He stared down at his feet to try to hide how his eyes were tearing up and bury the wave of panic at having so much attention on him. Arthur lifted him up to sit on his shoulder and the knights crowded around them, clapping Merlin on the back. Arthur kept tight hold of him and gently squeezed his leg in reassurance. Merlin struggled to breathe, to look happy, until Uther finally announced, "Now, let us show our gratitude for our fierce warriors. Let the feast begin!"
While the room cheered, Arthur led Merlin to their chairs beside Uther. He pulled Merlin's chair closer and continued to hold Merlin's hand, squeezing it in gentle encouragement. The knights took their places at the tables on either side of the king's table. As the food was brought out, the people began to talk and Merlin finally felt brave enough to look around. Everyone in the room appeared to be a noble. Ladies were wearing fine gowns that seemed to overflow from their seats. Merlin rather preferred Morgana's dress. It was much less poufy and looked very pretty. He didn't miss that she was on the receiving end of many jealous stares from the other women. He also spotted a few children, mostly older than him, and he was surprised to catch them staring. To his relief, Cedric was nowhere to be seen, though he did spot Arien who quickly averted his eyes.
There was an appreciative cheer as the kitchen staff carried out a roasted deer to the spit set up in the center of the room. Musicians played at the end of the room while servants quickly ferried loaded plates of freshly carved venison and filled goblets. The three tables at the head of the room, seating the knights and royal family, were served first.
When his plate was placed before him, Merlin gaped at the mountain of food on it but he was saved from attempting to eat it when Mary came running up. "I'm sorry, Master Merlin. I have your plate right here." She swapped the plates and Merlin was relieved to see that there was a more manageable amount of food and his meat had been cut up into bite-size pieces. There was also a good amount of his favorite vegetables – sweet potatoes, carrots – and a split bread roll glistening with butter and venison drippings.
Not very much later – Merlin had been hungry – he sat back with a happy pat to his full belly. Arthur laughed at him, "Did you enjoy the food, Merlin?" He nodded back excitedly, holding his belly out and puffing out his cheeks. Katrina caught him looking like that and laughed which attracted Uther's attention. Soaring on the happiness in the room, Merlin repeated his funny face and earned a chuckle from the king. Mary took away his plate and brought him a second bread roll spread with berry jam that Merlin picked at while the others finished eating. Everyone was talking to each other, some more loudly than others. Merlin was content to sit and watch. He kept finding his gaze drawn to Arien, and often found him looking back, but never angrily. He seemed curious, and anxious, but Merlin wasn't sure why Arien would be anxious.
It took hours for the meal to finish what with so many people having second and third portions. Merlin had no idea where they fit it all, although some of the men definitely had big enough bellies for it. Once the food was finally cleared up, entertainers came in and the staff began to serve mead and ale, as well as sweets. Merlin was mesmerized by the musicians whom had moved to the center of the room. Arthur, catching him gaping, offered to take Merlin closer but Merlin was wary of drawing more attention. With an encouraging whisper to ignore the staring, Arthur pulled Merlin to sit on his lap.
As the formal meal ended, people stood and wandered around to talk to each other. Some came to speak with Uther, and Merlin realized, to look at him. Younger ladies came to talk to Arthur in groups. They giggled a lot and seemed to be dazzled by Arthur because they kept blinking their eyes like Merlin had to do when he looked at the sun. They also spoke to Merlin sometimes, but Arthur answered for him. Eventually, Merlin tuned them out and leaned against Arthur as he started to feel sleepy. He was startled out of it when he heard his name being called and Arthur gently pulled him upright.
"Merlin, Arien has something he wants to say to you." Arthur pointed.
Arien was standing nearby, his father behind him, looking up at Merlin anxiously. Merlin nervously met his eyes but quickly looked away. "Lord Merlin, I um…" he paused to take a breath, "I wanted to apologize. Um, for what we did to you. For my part in it." Merlin was staring at his own shoes so he saw as Arien nervously shuffled his feet. "I was angry, and I took it out on you which isn't fair. I was supposed to be your friend but I hurt you and I'm sorry for that. If you still wanted to be friends, and, well, if you forgave me, I would like to try again. To be friends, I mean. If you wanted."
Merlin was horrified. He didn't want to say no, after all, he would love to have more friends, but at the same time, how could he say yes? He chanced a peek to see that Arien looked sorry, but maybe that was just because he was in front of his father and Arthur. Uther was watching too, though his expression remained unreadable.
Arthur rubbed his back, and when the silence stretched, he cleared his throat, maybe to get Merlin to say something but Merlin's voice was gone. It was Arien that spoke, "I'm sorry. I… Maybe, it was too much to ask. I know you must hate me. Just forget I asked. I'm sorry."
He turned to walk away and when Merlin saw his shoes turn away, he blurted, "I d-don't hate you."
Arien turned back, looking hopeful, but Merlin's voice had retreated again. He managed to make eye contact for a few seconds before he lost even that courage. Thankfully, Arthur spoke up. "I think Merlin needs a little time, Arien. Would you give him time to think it over?"
Arien nodded but he looked less hopeful. Sir Urien pulled him back with a quiet thanks to Arthur and a kind smile to Merlin. Merlin turned to bury his face in Arthur's neck. Arthur rubbed his back. "For what it's worth, Merlin, I think he truly is sorry. I would give him a second chance, but only when you feel ready." Uther had looked away and Merlin wondered if he was disappointed.
Arthur kept Merlin on his hip as he finally left the head table to mingle. As soon as Arthur stepped into the crowd, ladies young and old flocked to them. They poked and prodded at Merlin, pinching his cheeks and generally fawning over him. Morgana appeared at their side almost instantly and batted away the curious hands. She stood next to Arthur at an angle that blocked Merlin from the crowd and Merlin was finally able to relax. He listened to them chat, wittily handing conversations to each other and dodging invitations. Merlin ignored it all in favor of listening to Arthur's voice reverberating in his chest and to watch the rest of the room. It didn't take long for the women to start retiring, older men and children accompanying them out. Soon, there were only men left, surrounding the knights to hear the tale of the griffin attack. Merlin was surprised to hear the version being told, especially because Bohrs made it sound like the griffin was twice its size, like they were all struck by lightning, and like they were all nearly buried alive under all the snow. People stared wide-eyed, not wanting to believe but being taken in by Bohr's straight face and serious voice. Merlin giggled as he saw Leon rolling his eyes at the antics of Geraint and Galahad whom had taken it upon themselves to re-enact the fight. The story was told and retold as the audience shuffled and Merlin lost track of it until he was startled by a hand on his head.
He blinked and found Leon crouched in front of him. "I think it's time for bed." Merlin groaned and shook his head but Arthur was already bidding everyone a goodnight. Merlin waved drowsily as they took their leave.
"Did you have a good time, Merlin?"
He nodded and snuggled into Arthur as they stepped into the chilly hallway. "Good food," he mumbled.
Arthur laughed. It was the last sound Merlin heard before he fell asleep.
Arthur hated waking up, particularly in the winter, and especially when his cocoon of blankets included the very warm bundle that could only be Merlin curled up against him. George was patiently calling his name quietly from across the room where he was stoking the fire. Reluctantly starting to stretch, Arthur stopped immediately when Merlin stirred. He didn't have the heart to wake Merlin, not when he looked so peaceful and relaxed. He knew Merlin would want to be awake now, that he would be upset if Arthur left without telling him, but Arthur prioritized his health over all else. Merlin's cough had abated and his nose was drying up, but if there was anything that Arthur had learned from Gaius, it was that rest was the best way to ensure full recovery from any injury and illness.
So, he rose stealthily and gently tucked the blankets down around Merlin. Gratefully, he stepped into the robe George held up and began to properly start his day. With only three days before the tournament began, Leon was holding extra training sessions and though they were optional, Leon had made it clear that he expected Arthur at all of them. It was a timely reminder that the stakes were high. This was a smaller tourney, with only one event and a small field, but it would be Arthur's last before he came of age. He must win.
With that thought, he let George ready him but stopped him from following along. "Stay with Merlin. He can do whatever he likes, but I would prefer if you kept him indoors. I will return at midday."
George nodded respectfully and stayed behind.
Sometime after the sun had risen and their exercises had been moved to the field, Arthur removed his helm to find Merlin standing on the edge of the field, George behind him. With a sigh, Arthur drew Leon's attention and gestured to the two figures. With a smile, Leon waved for him to go to them. As Arthur approached, he studied Merlin, expecting him to be upset at being left behind. Indeed, Merlin stood stiffly, not meeting Arthur's eyes, and was pouting. George looked apologetic, but Arthur nodded to him seeing that Merlin was at the very least dressed in his warmest clothes in several layers beneath his favorite blue cloak.
Arthur crouched in front of Merlin and tilted his chin until Merlin met his eyes. Playfully, he tapped Merlin's pouting lip and said, "Don't look at me like that Merlin! You looked so peaceful and I know you were tired from last night. I just wanted you to have a lie in."
Merlin bit his lower lip and shuffled uncertainly. Quietly, he said, "I want to be with you."
Arthur sighed. "I know, Merlin. But don't you think you might get bored watching us train all morning? Wouldn't you rather be warm inside playing with your toys?"
Merlin shook his head. "I won't get in the way. Please? Please let me stay?"
Arthur patted his head reassuringly and looked up at George. "I have an idea. George normally readies my armor and such while I train. If it's not a bother to him, perhaps you can help him and he can sit with you in the stands so you can watch."
Merlin immediately turned to George, pleading pout already in place to ask, "Please?"
George chuckled good-naturedly. "It will be my pleasure."
Merlin grinned and bounced happily. Arthur gave him one last pat before standing up. "Then I will do my best to give you a good show. George, have someone bring you a brazier or two, on my orders." He knew the braziers were in high demand and carefully loaned out – the steward would be reluctant to give them to a servant without good reason. If George said they were for Merlin, the steward might relent, but with Arthur's express order, it would be done immediately. George nodded gratefully and Arthur turned back to the knights, his mind already focused on the sparring.
Left behind, Merlin watched Arthur rejoin the knights. George called his name, gesturing towards the stands nearby. Merlin frowned. George was always so formal! Making a decision, Merlin took George's hand and waited patiently for George to lead him. George seemed taken aback by Merlin's handhold, but after only a moment of hesitation, he led Merlin to the central seating area which had a covering overhead. George pointed out where Uther's throne would sit later and led Merlin to the bench next to the space. "Will you be alright for a few minutes, Master Merlin?"
Merlin nodded in what he hoped was a helpful manner and watched as George hurried off. He really didn't mean to be in the way, but he hated to be away from Arthur. The feeling in his chest when he woke to find Arthur gone was ugly and twisted his insides painfully. After having Arthur by his side for so long, Merlin couldn't bear the separation yet. Better to be in the cold outside than warm and away from Arthur!
He sat happily, swinging his legs as he watched the knights spar. Feeling a little guilty for it, Merlin often found his attention diverted to Leon as the older man judged the bouts and counselled the knights individually. His manner calmed the men after each fight and they listened intently to his advice, especially Arthur. Leon was like Merlin's tutors here in Camelot, teaching but not hurting or berating. He would have expected a knight's teacher to be rougher, but Leon never gave more than friendly teasing tap – and on top of that, the others would sometimes return the gesture which Leon accepted as though completely normal! He watched in wonder and began to reluctantly accept that maybe all teachers were like this; that they were not like his so-called teachers in Escetir.
He was grateful for George's arrival and timely distraction. Two braziers were set up on either side of where they sat, closer to Merlin but still giving warmth to George. Merlin watched as George set to sharpening Arthur's knives and spare sword. He wouldn't let Merlin help with those but he talked to Merlin nonstop, explaining the knights' exercises and giving him a play-by-play of each bout. Merlin paid keen attention. Never had anyone explained sparring in such detail to him. He wanted to know what he was seeing, to know the words for things he had only ever experienced.
He loved to watch Arthur's bouts. He moved smoothly from step to step, his upper body in complete coordination with his legs. It reminded Merlin of a banner in the wind – every movement connected so that you almost forgot there were joints between body parts. It looked far easier than Merlin knew it to be.
And beyond the grace, there was strength. Even if Merlin hadn't heard the clashes and clangs, he could see the rebound from the strikes, the faint sparks when swords slipped along each other. All of it, Arthur absorbed, using the backlash to give speed to his next movements. He wasn't perfect. Even if Merlin didn't know the words for what he was seeing, he could see the moments when Arthur hesitated, his movements disjointed, or his aim off. Sometimes, when it happened many times in a row, Leon would bring the practice bout to an end, wait until Arthur calmed, and then talk to him quietly off to the side. Sometimes they only talked, but sometimes Leon would have Arthur practice moves with him, always starting slowly and speeding up until Arthur seemed confident with the lesson. George, picking up on Merlin's interest, did his best to explain the lessons in as simple a manner as possible. Merlin appreciated it, but he understood easily. As much as he wanted to shed his past life, there were parts of it that were useful, such as now, where he could read the strengths and weaknesses of the knights.
A sudden cry followed by a loud crash startled Merlin out of his focus so much that he nearly fell off the bench. Steadied by George's quick hand, Merlin turned to look for the source and saw Arien curled up on the ground rubbing his shin and groaning. Scattered around him were all sorts of pieces of armor and weapons. Merlin watched curiously as Arien rose and limped about, gathering the various items into his arms. There were so many that as he bent to reach for the last few pieces, several slid off the pile in his arms.
Before he knew what he was doing, Merlin found himself picking up the last three or so items. It was only after he was holding them that he realized whom he was helping, and though he startled when Arien met his eyes, he could tell that Arien was equally surprised to find Merlin helping him.
"Oh! I'm sorry, my Lord. Here, let me take those. You shouldn't have bothered." Arien clumsily shifted the things in his arms to try to accommodate the items Merlin was holding, only to drop another. Merlin hastily picked it up, still wondering why he was helping.
Arien was groaning and looking a little unsure. "Er, I'm sorry about this, my Lord. I'll dump these and come back for those. Don't trouble yourself."
Merlin realized he was breathing hard, and shaking. I'm scared, he thought, but of what, he didn't know. Arien was being anything but threatening, in fact, he was keeping his distance and speaking softly. It was weird to see him hunching and trying to appear smaller or less threatening. It hurt, actually, to have that sort of behavior aimed at him rather than coming from him.
Arien turned, clearly deciding to follow through on his plan. Merlin watched him take a few steps before turning back and gesturing to George that he would be back. George looked unsure, having come up to the boys during their exchange but he nodded anyway. Merlin scampered after Arien, following him a short distance back until he disappeared into a tent. He hesitated to follow Arien in, reluctant to be alone with the older boy but also unwilling to be cowardly. He had to be brave now, had to be, because even though he wasn't wearing his Camelot cloak, it had been given to him. He was almost like a knight now! He took a deep breath, and stepped past the flaps.
The inside of the tent was brightly lit by a single brazier in the center. Merlin studied the inside carefully, he had been curious since the tents were first raised to see the insides of them. There was a padded bench along one side and on the opposite side were two tables piled high with assorted items. Two padded stands shaped like men stood near the tables, one sporting armor and the other only mail. There was a thin fabric floor on top of which were layered thick rugs. Merlin shuffled his feet uncertainly, he had tracked in some snow and his boots were slightly muddy.
"Oh! You came!" Merlin looked up guiltily. Arien studied him, suddenly still. "Don't worry, by the time the tournament is over, these rugs will be filthy. See?" Arien gestured slowly to his own muddy boots.
He stepped carefully towards Merlin but stopped when Merlin coughed, until that moment he had been holding his breath without knowing it. Arien raised his hands up and stepped back. "I'm not going to hurt you again. I swear it."
Merlin wanted to believe him. He would give anything to have a real friend but something in him was stuck – wouldn't let him believe it. Arthur kept telling him that he would believe it with time. Could that mean that Arthur believed Arien?
If Arthur believed him, then Merlin should believe him to.
Taking a deep breath and chewing his lower lip, Merlin shakily held up the armor pieces. Arien seemed relieved by the action and slowly stepped forward again. "Thank you for carrying them here. I didn't want to make two trips, so I tried to bring everything all at once. I suppose I'll have to clean them again anyway." He took the two heaviest and carried them to the table.
Merlin, still in slight disbelief that he was willingly alone with Arien, followed with the last piece. Merlin had never been allowed any armor, not even to study. He wanted to ask why Arien was carrying this armor. Whose armor was it? Did Arien know what the pieces were called and how to use them? All these questions and more bubbled up inside him but could not make it past his throat. Instead, he looked between the light plate in his hands and the padded stand. He held it up towards the matching piece.
"That's the top plate of the vambrace."
Merlin startled, nearly dropping the plate, the vambrace. Arien was standing behind him and Merlin hadn't noticed, but Arien pretended he hadn't noticed Merlin's fumble. Instead, he went to the table and brought back a long leather cuff. "See, the plate fits here. You have to bend the cuff to fit it in but once it's on your arm, the plate will be secured. It goes on your arm like this." Arien gently took hold of Merlin's (clammy) hand and slid the cuff onto it. For a moment, Merlin had a vision of a completely different set of cuffs being placed on his wrist and whimpered. Arien hesitated, but didn't stop his explanation. He slid the vambrace onto his own arm and brought Merlin's hand to the buckles. "You tighten it here and here," he waited until Merlin fumbled the buckle tighter, "and on its own, it slides around a bit, but once all the other pieces are strapped on, they hold each other in place."
Merlin looked in wonder at Arien, and Arien, perhaps sensing an opening, jumped on it. He gently pulled Merlin by the hand to the table and began explaining other pieces of armor. That was how Arthur found them a few minutes later. "Merlin?"
Merlin smiled, immediately at ease now that Arthur was here. Arthur's face, showing slight concern, relaxed into a curious expression. "What are you boys up to?"
Merlin, kneeling on the table top, gestured at the armor on the table and was surprised to see that Arien now looked uncertain again. When Merlin didn't answer, Arien spoke up. "Lord Merlin helped me carry some bits of armor when I dropped them, Sire. That's all." His voice had an edge of fear in it, or maybe desperation.
Merlin frowned, not understanding this change in Arien. He had seemed calm and confident just moments ago!
Arthur came up to them and placed a hand on Merlin's back. With Arthur's reassuring presence, Merlin realized what bothered him. He didn't want Arien to be afraid just as much as he himself didn't want to be afraid of Arien. For a few minutes, he had had a friend, and he wanted to keep his new friend. He took a breath and said, "Um, er, Arien was t-teaching me ab-bout armor." Clambering down from the table and taking Arthur's hand, he grasped Arien's sleeve and pulled them to the padded stand. "This, er, this is a vambrace. And, um," Merlin was bouncing on his tiptoes as he tried to point to the right piece, "this one is, um, a rerebrace." As Merlin jumped, Arthur grabbed him and lifted him up onto his hip. He steadied Merlin as he leaned over to point at the next piece. "This is a pauldron." Merlin went on listing the pieces he knew and looking to Arien for confirmation.
Too quickly, Merlin ran out of pieces he'd learned, it had only been a few minutes after all, and he shrugged at Arthur. Arthur was smiling proudly at him which made Merlin feel good inside. "That was very good, Merlin. Arien must be a good teacher to have shown you so much already." Arien seemed reassured by Arthur's calm attitude. "Well, we only have a short break for the noon meal, so we'd best let Arien rejoin his brothers." Arthur turned to walk out, but before they left the tent, Arthur turned back. "Thank you for keeping him company, Arien."
Arien smiled. "It was no trouble, Sire. He helped me first." He waved at Merlin and Merlin even managed a smile in return.
As they walked back to the castle, Merlin wrapped an arm around Arthur's shoulder and leaned his head down contentedly. Arthur glanced at him. "Feeling alright, Merlin?" When Merlin nodded, he said, "I'm very proud of you, Merlin."
Merlin grinned. For learning the armor names? Maybe tomorrow I can learn more! Arthur smiled but shook his head. "I mean, for giving Arien a chance. That was very brave of you."
Merlin shrugged, feeling warm inside. I'm still a little scared of him, but he was nice to me.
Arthur rubbed his back and tweaked his nose, making Merlin giggle. "Just give it time, Merlin." They arrived in Arthur's room to find George laying out their meal. Arthur let Merlin down so George could help him out of his armor. Merlin watched attentively, feeling excited to know even a few of the names and buckles. Arthur noticed and winked at him. Merlin lost interest when Arthur was down to his padded shirt and wandered over to the table. If he stood on tiptoe, he could see over the edge of the tray. To his delight, there were two iced buns on the tray. He could smell the roast chicken too!
Large hands wrapped around his middle and lifted him up. He laughed as Arthur launched him into the air and caught him again. "Ready to eat?"
"Uh-huh." Arthur let Merlin sit in his lap while they ate. Merlin chatted with him mentally as he ate, telling him everything George had told him. Arthur must have noticed his slightly desperate tone because at the end, he said, "I'm very glad you paid so much attention, Merlin, but you have nothing to prove. I didn't leave you behind because I thought you would be in the way, I wanted you to sleep longer. That and maybe I hoped you would want to play in here where it's warm. Gaius did say you should stay out of the cold until your nose cleared up entirely."
Merlin shrugged. He didn't want to admit how awful it felt to be away from Arthur but Arthur seemed to know anyway. He always guessed at what Merlin couldn't say. "You know, after spending all our time together after the griffin incident, I missed you today. I think even some of the other knights missed you. I suppose it was a good thing you came out to watch." Merlin looked at Arthur incredulously and he chuckled. "Perhaps we can compromise."
Merlin repeated the word, wary of what would follow.
"I will leave you sleeping in the morning, no, wait, listen," he pleaded as Merlin shook his head. "It's still dark out, and too cold for you, when we begin. That's why we warm up in the Great Hall until the sun comes up. Once the sun is up, you can come out with us and watch. I'll leave orders for the steward to have braziers set up for you. Would you like that?"
Merlin nodded eagerly and smiled. In a compromise, he knew that both sides had to give something and he tried to think of something. Before Arthur continued, he put his hand up, stilling him. Compromise. Um, maybe I could stay here in the afternoon. Where it's warm. It wrenched him to say so, but he thought it would make Arthur happy. As he expected, Arthur smiled. Merlin tried to smile but it must not have been convincing because Arthur hugged him. "It's a shorter day now, Merlin. It won't be as long as you think it is. Certainly, it will be shorter than the morning training session." He studied Merlin for a moment. "There must be something indoors that would make you happy. I know you're not used to playing, but you like to read, don't you?"
Merlin looked around the room. If he was honest, he would prefer to sleep while Arthur was gone but he didn't think Arthur would like that. He knew Morgana and Gwen were busy, so he couldn't visit them, and likewise with Gaius. There was nobody he could visit without getting in the way. Nobody except…
Can I visit Kilgharrah? Arthur didn't answer right away, but he looked thoughtful as he reached for the iced buns. He dragged the plate closer. "You'll have to be careful, Merlin." Merlin's heart soared despite Arthur's cautious tone. "No one can see you going down there." Merlin grinned. "Are you sure that's what you want to do?"
Merlin nodded. Arthur handed him a bun. "Well, alright then. Do you want me to come find you when I'm done?"
Merlin thought about it. I can come back. What time?
"At the fourth bell toll." Arthur, looking thoughtful, left Merlin on the chair and searched for something in his desk drawers. Finding it, he held it out to Merlin. "This is a time keeping candle. Every hour is marked with a layer of red wax. You can use this to keep track of time while you're with Kilgharrah. Light it at the next bell toll and you'll know when to come back."
Merlin took the candle carefully. Plans made, he and Arthur enjoyed their buns and rested by the fire. Arthur tried to get Merlin to play with his toys but Merlin just didn't understand. It was like roleplay, but he felt silly making the toys act out stories. He played along with Arthur anyway, until George returned to help Arthur back into his armor. Merlin watched, trying to look cheerful. Arthur gave him another hug before he left, taking George with him.
Merlin waited anxiously for a few minutes before he gathered the courage to reach out to Kilgharrah. Kilgharrah?
He waited with baited breath for the dragon's response. Yes, little one.
Merlin smiled. He liked it when Kilgharrah called him 'little one' – as if he was a little dragon. Like he belonged with Kilgharrah. He liked the feeling of belonging. May I visit with you?
Of course, young warlock.
I'm coming down now. Merlin ventured out of Arthur's room, careful to close the door behind him. He used the servants' stairs and waited until there were no passing servants to go down the lower staircase. He followed the familiar corridors past the library to the guardroom. There was only one guard today so Merlin let his magic reach out to stop time and rushed past him to the lower staircase. Swallowing down the sour taste of his fear, he crawled down the first flight in the dark before he risked bringing up his little light. As soon as he reached the landing, he called out, Kilgharrah?
I am here, Merlin. The darkness gave way to the glow emanating from the giant dragon. Merlin raised the bridge and ran to hug him. Kilgharrah kindly nuzzled him in return and encouraged Merlin to sit right up against him. Where have you been, young warlock? I felt your absence for many days. What happened after that night when you came to me?
Merlin found it easier to remember the aftermath of Cedric and Arien now that Arien was friendly. He made a note to himself to ask about Cedric while he told Kilgharrah about his day with Arthur. He told him about leaving to tell Arthur about the griffin and everything he could remember about the night of the griffin's attack. Kilgharrah hummed with concern when Merlin described the searching lights and seemed to lose himself in thought. Merlin quickly finished with the group discussion in Gaius' rooms.
That was the day you asked me if I was keeping the witches out, wasn't it?
Yes. Merlin hesitated, and went on, I didn't know I could call you like that. I didn't mean to!
Kilgharrah rested his head in front of Merlin and gave him a long look before closing his eyes. You can call me from even greater distances, young one, for you are a dragonlord, but within the limits of the city you will be always be able to speak with me. As for the witches, you needn't be afraid of them while you are within the city, Merlin. They will not easily venture where they cannot see, and if they dare enter Camelot, I will be the first to know.
How are you doing that? Keeping them from seeing me? Can you teach me?
Kilgharrah opened the eye closest to Merlin. I would like to teach you, Merlin, but first I need you to tell me more about your abilities.
Merlin hunched, pulling slightly away from Kilgharrah even though the air was cold and damp.
You need not be afraid, Merlin. If I am to help you, I need to know your abilities. You are much younger than I expected but you show skill beyond your age.
Merlin hugged his knees and avoided looking at Kilgharrah's eyes. Without Kilgharrah's warmth, he quickly chilled. He hadn't thought to put on his cloak again, but the cold was inside him too. He kept hearing the same comment from different people. Everyone that wanted to help him wanted to know more about him. He didn't want them to know, not anyone!
Kilgharrah breathed a gust of warm air at him, ruffling his hair. I will offer you a compromise, Merlin. For every question of mine you answer, I will give you something in return.
Like what?
What would you like?
Merlin thought about it. What he wanted most of all was to stay with Arthur forever, and to not be afraid anymore. To never have to remember his old life. To grow up to be big and strong like Arthur and Leon. Then he could protect them and really be a knight of Camelot. He would be so helpful because he could use magic.
Magic! Merlin met Kilgharrah's gaze. Will you teach me things? Ways to use my magic for good? Gaius said he would, but he's been busy. There's no one else to teach me.
Yes, if that is what you wish. That is what I would like too, once I know what you can do.
Merlin shivered and Kilgharrah nudged him closer until Merlin was leaning against the softer hide on his belly. I will teach you a simple spell now, in good faith. Picture in your mind the warmest blanket you have.
Merlin immediately thought of the soft blanket that Gwen had given him not too long ago. It was dark blue, with little stars embroidered onto it, and wonderfully warm. I know which one.
Do you know where it is? Picture it as clearly as you can.
I have it.
Now repeat after me.
The spell was short and Merlin memorized it on the first try. He let his magic rise up with the spell and to Merlin's delight, the blanket dropped right into his lap. It worked! Will it work on anything? Do I have to know exactly where something is for it to work? How far-
You did well, little one. I can teach you much more than that, Merlin. Kilgharrah's eye glowed and the blanket wrapped around Merlin, as warm as if it had been near a fire. What do you think of the compromise now, Merlin?
Merlin still didn't like it, but he very much liked learning the spell just now. He snuggled into the blanket and tried to think about it. Lance had told him that it would be good to talk to someone about… before. And Arthur said the same over and over again. But what would Kilgharrah ask? Would he still teach him if he knew Merlin had been so bad before? Would he still call him "little one?" He supposed there was only one way to find out. After all, no matter what Arthur learned about him, he never changed. He never thought badly of him.
Haltingly, and with the taste of bile growing in his mouth, he told Kilgharrah about the kinds of magic he had learned before. He told him about the awful books, the ones with the pictures that gave him bad dreams and the ones with the funny writing only he could read. Kilgharrah didn't interrupt so Merlin told him about the spells that made his magic prickle when he was forced to use them, the spells meant to hurt and tear and burn and bleed. At some point, he could no longer form words and shared memories instead, memories of being forced to fight and duel.
Just when he felt the nausea would overwhelm him, Kilgharrah sent a soothing breath over him and Merlin settled into despairing silence.
Thank you for showing me, little one. Kilgharrah nudged him gently, and as if he had heard Merlin's fear, reassuringly said, I do not think ill of you for having that kind of knowledge. Your magic was mistreated just as much as you were.
Blowing another soothing breath on him, Kilgharrah settled his head close to Merlin. Now I will answer your earlier question. Did anyone teach you to scry?
Merlin shook his head. Then I will teach you that first and we can extend the lesson from there.
Merlin listened with rapt attention as Kilgharrah first explained the theory and then the practice of scrying. He soon forgot feeling sad and felt only excitement to learn something new. He eagerly repeated the spell though Kilgharrah would not let him practice it now – and made him promise never to scry any of Cenred's people. Seeing that Merlin was keen to try something, Kilgharrah moved the lesson back to the first spell. He taught Merlin about the limits and let him practice it twice more. Merlin even fetched his red cloak to show Kilgharrah, though he didn't seem as excited about it as Merlin. Then Kilgharrah showed him how to send objects and Merlin couldn't wait to return to Arthur's room to see if it had worked.
Oh no! As Merlin sent off his cloak, he realized he had forgotten to light his candle! He explained about the candle and deadline to Kilgharrah and hurriedly sent his blanket back to Arthur's room. Apologizing to Kilgharrah, Merlin promised to return the next day and took off at a run up the stairs. The guard was gone and he was careful to lock the door behind him. As he ran down the corridor, he stopped to hide when he heard approaching footsteps, but it was only Arthur.
"Arthur!" Merlin exclaimed as he ran to him.
Arthur stooped to pick him up, smiling. "Lost track of the time, did you?" His tone was playful and it reassured Merlin that Arthur wasn't upset.
Merlin felt his cheeks color. I forgot to light the candle.
He clung to Arthur, feeling safe in his arms. Merlin liked to walk, to prove he could, but sometimes it felt nice be held, and Arthur was always so warm. "Did you have fun, Merlin?"
Merlin nodded and happily told him about what Kilgharrah had taught him. Arthur seemed at ease with it, only asking Merlin to be careful about overexerting himself. Don't worry, Kilgharrah worries too. He's careful with me. Arthur snorted at that and Merlin wondered why older people, including dragons, couldn't all just get along.
Upon entering the room, they were greeted by the sight of Morgana and Gwen waiting for them with supper. Merlin wiggled in Arthur's arms until Arthur let him down so he could greet Morgana and Gwen. Arthur seemed surprised to find the girls there but was not opposed to dining with them. The conversation was a bit subdued but Merlin couldn't muster the energy to speak up. He figured he had done enough talking today. It was only after the meal was finished that Arthur finally sighed and gave up the pretense of making small talk. Merlin watched curiously as Arthur fixed Morgana with a knowing gaze.
"Are you going to tell me why you aren't sleeping, Morgana? Are you Seeing something?"
Merlin studied Morgana carefully, only now noticing how the dark circles under her eyes. She was staring off into the distance. "I couldn't tell you. I am having dreams, more and more often. I hear things in them, but I can't see. I can't see anything, Arthur! There's nothing but darkness."
Arthur left his seat to squat beside her chair and take her hand. Merlin felt cold. Only darkness, what could that mean?
"Have you talked to Gaius?"
"Yes, but he can't think of any reason for my dreams to be blind. My dreams before, I always caught glimpses of something. But lately, nothing!" She gripped Arthur's hand and her expression became apologetic. "I think I Saw the griffin attack, before we received news of it, but I saw nothing. I could only hear shrieking and voices. Yours and Leon, yelling. But I wasn't sure what to think, what to say."
Arthur rubbed her arms soothingly. "Don't worry about that, Morgana. We made it back safe. Breathe, just breathe."
She scowled at him, "I'm not being hysterical, Arthur! But this must be serious!"
"When was the last time you saw anything in your dreams?"
Morgana suddenly looked at Merlin. "That time that Merlin was with me. I could hear you yelling, and smell smoke, but then I felt Merlin take my hand and suddenly I could see."
Arthur turned to look at Merlin. Merlin shrank – he didn't think he had done anything. He heard Morgana call Arthur's name and he had wanted to see, that's all. He had wanted to see.
But as he thought about it, he remembered how Morgana's magic had swirled about the room, like it was contained. Just as the idea formed in his head, Arthur figured it out. "Kilgharrah. He's doing something to keep others from seeing in, maybe it also keeps you from Seeing out?"
Merlin was already reaching out to Kilgharrah. Kilgharrah?
The dragon rumbled slowly and Merlin wondered if he'd been sleeping. Yes, Merlin? He didn't sound upset at being disturbed.
Um, the spell you used to keep, um, them from seeing into Camelot, does it stop someone from looking out?
Young warlock, you promised you would not try to scry yet.
Merlin shifted in his seat. I didn't. Um, Morgana is having dreams but she can't see anything. She can hear and smell, but except for the time when I used my magic with hers, she sees only darkness.
Kilgharrah was silent for a long time. Merlin could feel his reluctance to answer and was surprised by it. The dragon had been so open this afternoon.
It's possible. You should not link your magic to hers again.
Why?
We can talk about it tomorrow. Heed my warning, young warlock.
He bid Kilgharrah goodnight but the dragon had already withdrawn. He looked up to find the others staring at him concernedly. "Um, he said it's possible."
It seemed to take a few minutes for that to sink in. Or perhaps they were waiting for Merlin to explain. Without anything to add, Merlin sat, feeling useless. Arthur, sounding a little overly cheerful, finally said, "See, Morgana. Perfectly reasonable. Now we just have to figure out how to get you some rest."
Morgana reanimated. "Oh, no, it shouldn't be a problem now. I was so af- I mean, I just wanted to know that it didn't mean I was going blind." She took a breath and turned serious. "I can work with this, but you should know that something is coming."
"What did you see? Er, what did you dream?"
"I can't tell you much. I hear glass breaking and then hooves on stone. Metal sounds, like a fight and a lot of shouting, so there must be a crowd. I can try to remember more when the dream comes again."
Arthur stroked his chin. "Metal sounds and a crowd, those could be from the tournament. I'm not sure how glass breaking fits in with that."
They settled into thought but in the sudden quiet, Merlin felt a wave of fatigue. He yawned widely, his eyes scrunching with it. Gwen stood and began gathering the dishes. "Well, we can all think on it tonight. I think it's time for Merlin to rest now."
Merlin opened his mouth to protest, because he really was enjoying their company, but his words were lost in another yawn. Arthur lifted him out of his chair and held him close to Morgana and Gwen so they could kiss him goodnight. Arthur wrapped a blanket around Merlin and threw on his cloak. It wasn't late but he wanted to escort Morgana back to her rooms and knowing Merlin would resist being left behind, simply brought him along. He encouraged Merlin to lay his head down on and relax, rubbing his back in that way that soothed him. Merlin snuggled against Arthur, soaking in the small kindnesses that made him feel whole again and that was the last thing he remembered before he drifted off.
My life is a bit of a mess right now, but I hope you enjoy this small update.