Guest Yeah, her timing could not have been worse.

Guest Thank you.

Guest They will definitely start delving into it in the next chapter, but it's not going to be an easy fix.

Chapter 5

Emily arrived early and staked out a booth with a view of the door. She felt just as self-concious and out of place now as she had at sixteen. But, at least last time she'd had Paige sitting across her, looking equally awkward and uncomfortable, but also exuding a quiet, reassuring calm. Despite the clandestine nature of their meeting and the tingle of fear-excitement that had accompanied it, Paige had been in control that night. She'd been bold a way that Emily had admired, had envied at the time. It had imbued her with a sense of confidence that had been unfamilar at the time. She wished that she could conjure up some of that confidence right now.

Instead, she was jittery with nerves. She shifted and fidgeted in her seat, her fingers playing with the straw of her drink, tapping against the table and constantly checking her phone. Her agitation only growing as the minutes ticked by, their agreed upon meeting time arriving, and then passing. Five minutes late became ten, then fifteen. And slowly Emily's nerves morphed into worry. It was unlike Paige to be so late. She was usually prompt, to the point of being early. Or, at least she was. Emily reminded herself she didn't really know anything about Paige anymore. She hadn't for a long time.

But that didn't stop the sinking sensation that something was wrong from creeping in. Maybe it was a conditioned response, after everything she had been through. But she had learned long ago that when someone didn't show up when they said they would that something was usually wrong. She kept telling herself that she was overreacting. That Paige was fine. That she was show. She even went so far as to try and convince herself that Paige had gotten cold feet. That she was sitting in her car somewhere debating whether or not to come, and that being stood up was an acceptable alternative to the fears running through her.

By the half-hour mark though, she was in a full blown panic. A cold sweat dotting her forehead, and her lungs tight in her chest. She was seconds away from springing from her seat and heading off in search of Paige when the door swung open, the little bell on top giving a pleasant jingle. Her gaze shot immediatly towards the sound, as it had a dozen or so times in the last half hour. She let out a sigh of relief and collapsed against the booth when Paige stepped through and paused just past the threshold, glancing around. Their gazes met from across the room and Emily raised her hand weakly in a wave, the limb feeling both leaden and rubbery.

Paige crossed the room quickly towards her. Moving easily through the crowd. Despite her fear-weakened state, Emily couldn't help but notice how good she looked, in a pair of faded, well-worn jeans that hugged all the right curves and a plain long sleeve t-shirt that stretched just enough across her shoulders and upper arms to show off her muscle definition. Her hair, which Emly was still getting used to but definitely approved of, was tousled and wind-swept.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," Paige said, sliding into the booth across from her. "I had to wait for the cable guy. He said between one and five and didn't show up until almost seven. I-Are you okay?" Paige cut herself off mid-rant and narrowed her eyes.

"Fine," Emily managed, though the croak in her voice made the word far from convincing. She tried to wave Paige off, but it was clear she had caught on.

"Oh, Em. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.." She reached across the table and took both of Emily's hands in her own, giving them a squeeze. "I wasn't thinking. My phone died early this afternoon and I left it charging. And I caught traffic on the way down. And-"

"It's okay." Emily cut Paige off before she could continue to blame herself for what was really Emily's issue. "I'm fine," she added, starting to feel embarrassed by the overreaction. It certainly wasn't the first time it had happened. It had caused issues in some of her past relationships. Friends and giflriends alike getting annoyed by her constant need to check in. She'd been told a number of times that she was too clingy. She didn't want Paige to think the same thing of her.

"You're not fine. You're shaking like a leaf." Paige rubbed her hands briskly up and down Emily's arm, trying to ward off the cold-chill that had settled over her. "I should have been more considerate. I wasn't even in it the way you girls were, and I still have PTSD. I can only imagine-"

"It doesn't matter. You're here now," Emily interrupted. She didn't want to get into it with Paige. They had enough to work through without hashing through that part of there past. "So, cable guy? Does that mean you've found a place?"

Paige nodded as she sat back in her seat, her hands sliding from Emily's arms. Immedately she missed their softness, their warmth.

"A house a little ways off route nine. One story, two bedrooms. A bit of land. It's just a rental for now. But the owners looking to sell, so depending on how things go..." She shrugged.

Emily felt a surge of pleasure at the fact that Paige was setting down routes. That she appeared to have every intention of staying, even if the job at the high school didn't pan out. She knew Paige had said that, earlier. But she worried that their situation might have changed her mind.

"That sounds nice. Do you need any help moving?"

"Nah. I didn't really bring a lot from California. Most of what I need, furniture and stuff, I'll just order and have delivered."

Oh. Okay," Emily said, disappointed at losing an opportunity to spend time with Paige. To prove her dependability by doing something usefull for her. "You should let us throw you a housewarming party," she suggested next.

"A housewarming?" Paige looked both amused and skeptical.

"Yeah. You know, food, drinks. Presents." She offered up a wide, hopefully winning smile. "Come on, it'll be fun to get everyone together."

"Everyone?" Now, Paige just looked wary. "Em-"

"Tell me you don't want to get caught up."

"Yeah. I do. It's just..." Paige averted her gaze and shifted in place. She knew that Paige had lost touched with them, but she had assumed that it had just been circumstance.. Even Emily herself hadn't spoken or visited with them as much in the past couple years. Time and distance had a way doing that. But, she'd had no idea that Paige felt like she's lost their friends in the breakup. Or like they had taken Emily side. They hadn't picked sides. But if they had, Emily doubted they would have chosen hers. Though it had never been spoken aloud, she knew that they thought her leaving Paige had been a big mistake.

"You know they all want to see you, right?" Emily reached out, placing her hand over Paige's to get her attention. Paige didn't glance up, didn't answer. She shrugged her shoulders, which could have just as easily been a no, rather than a yes.

"At least think about it." She didn't want to push. That would just make Paige shut down completely. But she needed to dangle the idea in front of her a big. Even though she didn't want to, she pulled away, her fingers tingling from the contact even after they had slid from her skin.

"It could be fun. Put on some music, get some wine. I could cook dinner-"

"You would cook?" Paige barely contained a smirk.

"I've gotten much better."

"Uh-huh"

"I have."

"Tell that to the Stanford Fire department."

"That was a false alarm. There wasn't even a real fire."

"No. Just so much smoke that we had to replace the kitchen curtains."

"Yeah, well who forgot to clean the oven?"

It was a familiar exchange. One they'd had many times back when they were at their best. Rehashing it reminded Emily of how good it had felt being together, being in sync and in love. It was a warm, tingly feeling accompanied by a twinge of saddness because it was over now. And, she didn't know if she would ever feel that way again.

The soft, half-smile on Paige's lips reflected similar emotions, a similar uncertainty back at her. For a moment, they were connected. And then the moment passed. The smile slipped from Paige's lips. The warmth that Emily had been feeling faded. Emily dropped her gaze, staring down into her drink, watching the bubbles rise and fizzle as she absently stirred it them up with her straw. Paige cleared her throat and fidgeted in place.

"So, you wanted to talk?"

Emily glanced up at the sound of Paige's voice and blinked at her a couple of times as her mind struggled to process what had been said.

"In your text. You said you wanted to talk."

"Oh. That." Emily let out a long breath. She had mostly just said that as an excuse to get Paige here. To put them face to face once again in an attempt to ease the tension and distance between them. Now that she had her here, she supposed there was a lot that they needed to discuss. A lot of unfinished business to work through. And a path for going forward. If only she had the words to start that conversation off.

"Emily." Paige's expression darkened, became guarded.

"I did. I do. I just..." She shrugged, shooting Paige a pleading glance. "This isn't any easier for me. It's not like I know the right thing to say. Or even if there is a right thing to say."

Pagie's expression softened and she gave a small not, conceeding Emily's point.

"I guess we should start with what happened earlier," she suggested. "Whatever happens between us, it has nothing to do with the fact that there was no future for me and Sabrina. Before last night, I was willing to pretend but after..." A blush of arousal heated her cheeks as memories of last night flashed through her mind. "It wasn't fair to her. And it wasn't fair to me."

Paige nodded slowly, considering her words. Her expression was still skeptical, but she didn't appear to be in outright disbelief the way she had earlier.

"And, I know you don't want to hear it, but I can't pretend that I don't still want you."

"Em-"

Emily held a hand up, forestalling her protests. "Leaving you is the biggest mistake I've ever made. And, believe me, I was making a lot of them back then. But, I respect your position."

It pained her to admit it, but Emily completely understood why Paige was hesitant to trust her. Why she was reluctant to let Emily get too close. That didn't mean however, that she was going to just sit back and let Paige slip from her life again. She realized now though that she couldn't just bulldoze Paige into it. Nor was it fair to feign friendship while secretly biding her time. If this was going to work, she couldn't be disengenous. If they were going to make a go of being friends, Emily needed to respect the boundaries of that friendship. And that meant being up front. And being a good friend in return.

"And I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not in it at all. Even more than I miss us, I miss you. You've been a part of my life,in some for or another, since we were fourteen."

They had been the only to freshman to try out for the swim team that year. The only two sophmore to make it to state. They might not have been friends back then, but they had been friendly competitors. They trained together, they travelled together, often times on road trips they roomed together. There had been a bond there, way before feelings and romance had devleloped.

And maybe Hannah was right. Maybe they needed to work on being friends before they had a shot at being girlfriends.

"I don't know how to do this though," she admitted. "How to just be your friend. I want to. If that's what you need. But,its not always going to be easy. And, I don't think it's going to work unless we both at least acknowledge that we have some history."

She looked to Paige, watching as she processed the words. "That's fair," she said with a nod. "I guess we can't expect things to just go smoothly. There's going to be some adjustments."

Emily felt reassured by Paige's words. Adjustments implied that she was still willing to try. That she was on board with this whole moving forward as friends thing."

"And, maybe it would be best if we set some ground rules."

"Ground rules?" Emily asked, suddenly wary.

"Yeah. Things to do. Things to avoid. To make all this easier on us."

"Okay," she said slowly. "Like what?"

"Like...not trying to trigger nostalgia by arranging meetings in places that hold significant sentimental value." Paige waved her hand to indicate their surroundings.

"So you caught on to that, huh?" Emily's cheeks heated in a blush.

"Well, you weren't exactly subtle."

"Sorry," she muttered, thoroughly chagrined.

Paige let out a low, throaty chuckle. "This place certainly does have it's charms though, doesn't it?"

Emily watched her glance around, her gaze going faraway as she reminisced.

"If by charms you mean complete and utter lack of taste, then yeah. It's brimming with charm."

Paige hummed softly in agreement. "Did I ever tell you how nervous I was that night? Terrified you wouldn't show up. Even more terrfied you would."

"No. You never told me that." Emily couldn't exactly say she was suprised. She'd felt much the same. Debating with herself over whether it was a good idea the whole drive over. At least ten minutes in her car in the parking lot trying to decide whether or not to go in. It been such a long time ago. Yet it wasn't hard to conjure up the feelings at all.

"I felt the same tonight," Paige confessed. "All the way over here, I was afraid of what would happen if we did sit down and talk. Afraid of what would happen if we didn't."

"So. were you really held up by the cable guy or-"

"Oh, no. That was real. I wouldn't just stand you up," Paig cut her off. "I just...this is all so confusing." She ran a hand through her hair and let out a soft sigh. "I miss you too, Em. I miss us. When things were good, they were really good. But when things went bad..."

Emily nodded. She remembered. She understood.

"I can't go through that again. I barely survived it the last time."

Emily's heart stopped in her chest as she remembered a long ago conversation. A tearful confession. A dark secret. She opened her mouth to speak but the words caught in her throat.

"Oh, no. Not like that," Paige hastened to reassure her, reaching out and laying a hand on Emily's hand. "I just meant...It's not fair of me to make out like this is one sided. That you're alone in your...feelings. But, I'm not looking to rekindle anything."

"I know. You've made that very clear." Emily worked hard to keep the bitterness out of her voice. It should have been uplifting to hear that Paige still had lingering feelings for her, but instead it only made the restrictions of their current situation that much harder to withstand.

The look Paige shot her told Emily that she hadn't actually succeeded in tempering her tone. She was starting to wonder if this conversation was doing more harm than good. They had made some headway, but it also seemed like they were going in circles, reshashing the same points, stepping on the same arguments. Maybe it had been a mistake, coming here tonight. Maybe it was a mistake, being friends at all.

Yet, the thought of not having Paige in her life hurt worse than the sting of being rebuffed.

"Sorry." She hoped that Paige could read the sincerity in her apology.

"It's okay."

An uneasy silence fell between them. The din of the conversations going on around them doing little to penetrate the tension that lingered.

Just as Emily was starting to think she had made things worse rather than better, strains of a familiar song filtered through the white noise. Her gaze flicked to Paige, to gauge her reaction, just in time to see her eyes light up and a broad grin cross her features. Emily let out a laugh as the opening lines of Pink's So What filled the room.

Paige had confessed, ages after their first date, that she hated that song. Her tastes in music more classic rock than pop. But she had heard Emily telling one of the other girls on the swim team that she loved Pink.

"I still hate this song," Paige said as she rose and offered Emily her hand.

Emily shook her head, biting back a grin.

"C'mon Emily," Paige coaxed, dropping her voice low and giving her a sly smile.

Letting out another laugh Emily reached for Paige's hand and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. She didn't fail to notice that Paige didn't drop her grip as the two of them rushed the small stage, where the karaoke equipment sat, unused, in the corner.

Much to the confusion of staff and customers alike, Paige grabbed the microphone off the stand and after a moment of fumbling to turn it on, began belting out the lyrics. Her hand still holding Emily's firmly as she offered her the mic. Smiling, blushing, laughing, Emily sang along. For someone who didn't want Emily banking on nostalgia, Paige certainly seemed to be embracing it as she threw herself into the lyrics and danced in place. Soon, Emily forgot all about the crowd of stunned onlookers. Her focus was solely on Paige, admiring the way she so easily gave herself over to the ridiculousness of the moment. This was what had been missing in her life since she had broken up with Paige. She still needed someone who would pull her up on stage, who would hold her hand and make her feel fearless. Complicated as it might be, she knew, in this moment, that forging a friendship with Paige and doing so by coming here was not a mistake.