CHAPTER 5 Dream Homes, Dream Dates and Not So Dreamy Max
"Oh Max, this neighborhood is a dream!" 99 gasped as they drove along the road through the residential area, past the hundreds of individual houses.
"Yes it's not bad." Max shrugged as he shifted gears to maintain the Sunbeam Tiger at a reasonable speed.
The top was down and the wind blew steadily but softly at 99's shoulder length raven tresses as she sat next to him, the buttoned down scarf of her brown dress flapping. The neighborhood they were cruising along was indeed idyllic, made up of rows and rows of individual houses, most just 2 story high or 2 and a half, many with manicured lawns while some had little gardens of home grown flowers and even vegetables. The roads were mostly quiet except for kids zipping by on their bicycles and people walking their dogs. Most of the cars of the home owners were now tucked away in the city at their place of work leaving the area with nearly no vehicular traffic.
"It's so perfect! I just can't imagine—" 99 declared as her slender hands and fingers, encased in rich brown kidskin gloves with ventilated dorsal sides, held the KX-A1 and adjusted the controls on the main body while keeping it pointed out of the car to the side. "—KAOS having a secret hideout somewhere here, right where people are settling down with their loved ones, raising families or enjoying their sunset years?"
"Ninety-Nine, this is the land of the free! Anyone is entitled to these homes long as they work hard and are able to afford it." Max declared sweeping his hand along the line of beautiful homes they drove by. "I mean, everyone deserves a roof over their heads, regardless of race, creed or purpose!"
"Even those who represent evil?!" 99 exclaimed.
"Long as they pay their taxes and mortgages on time." Max said shaking a finger in the air. "And I bet you, every international organization of evil intent on remaining undetected by the government is in one way, more law abiding than your average Joe!"
"In WHAT way Max?" 99 asked bewildered, gloved fingers, brushing a few locks of flying raven hair out of her eyes.
"You can bet THEY never fall behind on paying their taxes and mortgages!" Max declared nodding with eyes wide. "After all, international organizations of evil are the LAST ones who would want Internal Revenue knocking down their door! It'd be more humane having the army or air force toss heavy ordnance on them!"
"Maaaaax." 99 sighed with a grimace.
"If you ask me, those hardworking Americans out there, sweating at factories, breaking their backs in warehouses and squinting at ledgers in offices to put food on the table for their wives and children could LEARN a thing or two from evil organizations bent on toppling our government, destroying our very way of life and generally fermenting revolution and unrest across the world!" Max declared with solemn nods of his head before stopping, mouth frozen in an 'O' on his last word as he frowned and applied a bit more brain cells to what he just said.
"Well I would be mortified to think I was raising my children or caring for my husband with KAOS agents less than a hundred feet away, wouldn't you?" 99 inquired peering at the gauges on the KX-A1 for any sign of activity.
"Ninety-Nine, I am a secret agent!" Max declared. "Trained and sworn to lay his life down for this country at a moment's notice so that OTHERS can enjoy the American dream!"
"So you've NEVER thought of settling down?" 99 inquired trying to make her shrug nonchalant and hide her disappointment by keeping her eyes on the KX-A1. "I mean, you've never thought about finding someone special to…share your life with? And if you did…what that woman would be like?...Or Who?"
"Well…" Max shrugged indifferently, eyes half-lidded. "I'm just too committed to my work and the safety and security of every man and woman of this great country to give much thought to that!—But if I had to choose, I'm not too picky—just someone who can understand, anticipate and cater to everything I say and do twenty-four seven, five foot four, long natural blonde hair, 75 pounds, blue eyes, thirty-five, twenty-two, thirty-three."
99 grimaced casting her eyes sideways at Max as she held the KX-A1 in place and frostily offered.
"Like Verena?"
Max's eyes popped and his jaw dropped in astonishment.
"Why Ninety-Nine! Why didn't you TELL me you knew Verena?!"
"Lucky guess." 99 gave a smile cold enough to give frostbite to a polar bear as she looked back out the side.
"Well, you could have fooled me!" Max continued scoffing. "Of course—" Max's ego fueled smirk returned again as he cocked an eyebrow and waggled his head. "—confirming she was a nat-tural blonde I'm sure was much more fun for me than…"
"Max this is getting nowhere!" 99 exclaimed in frustration.
"I disagree!" Max objected before smirking again. "It got me EVERYwhere with Vere…"
"Not THAT, Max!" 99 groaned throwing her head back on the seat. "We've been circling this area for a whole hour, we've covered every house! Nothing on the KX-A1! Most likely they haven't got it turned on yet. The transmissions they found only started from midnight anyway. We need to come up with another plan."
"Don't be ridiculous Ninety-Nine!" Max declared as he eased back on the gas pedal while making a turn past an American Foursquare house. "Why if we gave up every time due to lack of results and progress we would never get ANYwhere with anything worthwhile! Trust me I know!"—His egotistical smirk returned as he stared ahead dreamily "—Not that Verena was such a case. And when the results came, they KEPT-on coming!"—99 leaned her head back, rolling her eyes in dismay.—"And did she looooove looooong showers in the morning, especially when I was in there with her! Boy, my water bill's gonna gimme a heart attack!"—Smirking again, Max went on. "—Just like Verena! Fortunately we both chose da sleep in though she almost missed her flight. But I can tell you, she was NOT-TOO-UPSET with the thought of another evening together with…"
"Sleep IN?!" 99 finally exclaimed turning away from the window as they cruised past a row of beautiful American Craftsman style houses but still keeping the KX-A1 aimed. "Max! The fourth day of our surveillance on Krycek! Is THAT why I had to continue the surveillance for the morning shift when I'd just done the night shift?!"
Max blinked several times as he stared ahead through the windshield at the road, his mouth ajar for several seconds before he squinted and attempted to speak intelligibly.
"Wha…wha…sorry what was that?"
"Max! You told me you slept through your alarm and then you had to catch up on your reports for the Chief!" 99 declared her large eyes wide with shock.
"Well…now…that…th…th…that's NOTuntrue!" Max stammered raising a finger off the steering wheel for emphasis and now focusing especially hard on the road ahead as 99 stared at him. "I DID sleep through the alarm—right along with Verena…eeeeh…eh…heh! And then we…eh…I more importantly I—finally woke UP and I WANTED da get up and come take over from you, something un-EXPECTED happened which made it im-POSSIBLE for me to leave! A monumental SHIFT in the paradigms of the universe that no force on this PLANET could alter no matter how much I WANTED to!"
"What are you talking about Max?! What shifted?!" 99 demanded, her dark eyes wide with disbelief.
"Verena! From lying next to me, she shifted…eeeh…on to me."—99 groaned rolling her eyes."—And then…uh…came the…aforementioned…long…long showers…and after THOSE, the reports to the Chief really…really did pile up..."
"Ooooh MAX!" 99 exclaimed closing her eyes and leaning her head back into the headrest "I was EXHAUSTED from working THREE SHIFTS straight for you because agent Seventeen had to stay with his sick kids while his wife was out of town and Thirty-Four was pulled for that assignment in Philadelphia!" She lifted her head and looked straight at him again her left gloved hand gesticulating in frustration. "I ASKED you to get the Chief to assign more people but you didn't' want him yelling at you cause you DIDN'T plan ahead for replacements! So I COVERED for you and you SWORE you'd be in bright and early the next day to take over! Oooooh MAX! I almost collapsed by the time agent Seventy-One arrived to take over after I finished YOUR shift!"
"Uuuuhh..." Max said suddenly finding the glare in the windshield to be the most interesting things on the Earth. "…what was that you said about a new plan Ninety-Nine?"
A few minutes later, the Sunbeam Tiger was parked at a lot outside a nearby supermarket and both agents poured over a map of the area.
"Okay, based on this map," Max said "we've covered the entire area which CONTROL Central identified. Perhaps their scanning equipment was somewhat off and we need to extend our search area."
"Where do you think we should look Max?" 99 inquired as she gazed over the map, her gloved right hand pressing it down against the wind.
"Let's use some basic deductive reasoning and keen intuition Ninety-Nine." Max declared and raised a fist to lift a finger each time a point was checked off. "First, the Chief said it HAS to be in Washington D.C. We're in Washington D.C.—"
"Right Max!" 99 agreed
"Second, it's likely in a place where no one would ever think of looking!"
"Right Max!"
"Third! The antenna when transmitting must be somewhere high up and unobstructed! Likely, the roof of a building!"
"Right Max!"
"Four! Transmitting at night further ENSURES no one will see the antenna on their roof!"
"Yes Max!"
"Ninety-Nine," Max smiled proudly, "my highly trained skills in deductive reasoning and keen intuition has concluded that the secret KAOS shortwave radio station, is right—here!" and stabs at a spot on the map at which 99 leans in for a closer look.
Here delicate eyebrows furrowed as she focused on the location 86 was pointing at.
"But Max…that's way inside the city! And it's…it's—" 99 pulled back from the map and stared over at Max's beaming mug with narrowed eyes and tight lips. "—Dining with Cupless Ds. A topless restaurant?!"
"Yes!"
"WHY would KAOS hide their secret radio base there Max?" 99 sighed, cringing only partially because of the pain in her ribs which had begun throbbing to life again.
"Because!" Max declared pointing a finger up at the sky to emphasize his brilliance and also often something else he would rather be doing. "It occupies an entire three storey building, high enough for the antenna. It operates till two in the morning! And most importantly, and this is crucial Ninety-Nine, its external walls, ALL around are ceiling to floor CLEAR glass panels!"
"WHY is that most crucial Max?" 99 asked already preparing herself for what is to come.
"Because," Max declares puffing with pride. "at midnight to two AM, when they're in business, it is AB-SOLUTELY gua-ran-TEED, the LAST thing, ANYone dining in or passing by will be looking at–is the roof!"
99 lets out a very slow breath as she rolls her eyes and head to her right before reaching past the pain in her side, which is only partially coming from her cracked and bruised ribs to gather some inner strength to aid in turning back to face 86 again with a forced smile.
"Max, the restaurant is really far. Maybe we could look into that once we're SURE the base isn't here."
"Maybe you're right Ninety-Nine." Max acknowledged. "But where do you think it could be? We've swept the entire neighborhood. There's nearly a hundred houses here. Even if the Chief sends reinforcements with more KX-A1s I doubt it would do any good until they turn their antenna on and by then it could be too late. And we can't knock on every door, it would take too long!"
"There has to be a way we can narrow it down." 99 declares with a gloved fist near her smooth soft lips. Thinking a moment, she raises a brown gloved index finger. "Max, you said the antenna had to be on the roof?"
"It's the best place Ninety-Nine." Max nodded. "The rest of the shortwave equipment would be kept indoors and hidden."
"Well couldn't' they just cut a hole in the roof and hide it with some kind of panel?" 99 offered. "That way they could just open up the panel when they wanted to deploy the antenna."
"But a panel like that would look suspicious Ninety-Nine!" Max argued. "I mean, there's no possible reason to install something like that and you risk water damage if it rains! Besides if they made a modification like that without filing for permission with the city it could call the authorities down on them and compromise their operation. They must have some way of deploying the antenna without any suspicious alterations…"
"Max!" 99's glistening raven eyes lights up even more. "Chimneys!"
"What?!"
"Chimneys Max!" 99 said again. "I remember a few of these houses have chimneys. Couldn't' they simply run the antenna UP the chimney? NO one would notice that, especially past midnight, in the dark and if the antenna itself was black."
Max thought for a while with his fist pressed to his chin before raising a finger to acknowledge.
"You may have something there Ninety-Nine. They could have the rest of the shortwave equipment set up in a nearby room on the ground floor with cables to connect it. Shouldn't be hard. I remember only about eight houses with chimneys."
"And six of them were on sale." 99 added. "The real-estate company could be a KAOS front making sure no one buys the house or views it."
"You're right Ninety-Nine. We should check em' and since no one is supposed to be in, it should be easy. But what about the other two?"
"We could pose as building inspectors. That'll give us reason to check the plumbing, electrical wiring, insulation—basically the whole house thoroughly. Do you have the Building Inspector Disguise in the trunk, with the badges?" 99 suggested
"Yes," Max confirmed "but minus one teeny-weenie component."
"Which component?"
"The badges." Max grimaced. "I haven't had time to requisition their replacements with us being busy on this smuggling network and watching Krycek."
"But I don't remember you or us using that disguise in any mission for the last eight months." 99 frowned.
"Well." Max's ego fueled smirk returned. "It wasn't on a mission. You see, Verena likes role play, where she's stripped searched by a cop or customs official and well, I didn't have time da head over to the costume party shop and…heh…Verena enjoyed herself so much, she wanted them for a souvenir so if we can wait say for three weeks she'll be back on another layo…"
"Ooooooh Maaaaax!" 99 groaned shaking her head in complete dismay and sagging back in her seat.
"Okay, okay! Don't worry Ninety-Nine!" Max said turning the ignition and bringing the Sunbeam Tiger's engine to life. "Let's just search the six houses that are on sale and we'll figure something out."
The six houses on sale were luxurious American Craftsman style houses as well as two of Georgian Colonial design. Max parked the Sunbeam Tiger in an unobtrusive corner and they proceeded on foot to look at six houses. With 99's magneto ring, they ensured there were no electronic or electrical surveillance or alarms in each building before they picked the back door locks and searched each place from top to bottom with guns in hand ready for an ambush. They quickly confirmed however that none of them was a KAOS hideout.
"Well, I'm PRETTY sure this isn't KAOS' secret radio base." Max said about an hour later as they observed the second last house, a luxurious, white-washed California style bungalow with red roof tiles and wide porch.
Both stood hidden in the tree line across the road at the semi wooded area with Max who had his bino-specs on observing the structure while 99 stood at his shoulder with her head tilted towards him as she looked at the house and asked.
"Why is that Max?"
"Because Ninety-Nine." Max said removing his bino-specs and gesturing with it as he spoke. "With my highly trained eagle eye, I have been able to deduce several clues that eliminates this house as the KAOS base. First, the chimney's flue liner has been permanently sealed and capped rendering it impossible for any antenna to emerge from it. Second, the concrete sealing the flue liner is at least two months old which coincides with the dates of the transmissions the Chief showed us. Third, even if the chimney seal is so well disguised as to fool my eagle eye which it is not, that old oak tree next to it with the overhanging branches would completely tangle up the antenna and disrupt its transmissions. And fourth, the hidden element only visible to my flawlessly honed eagle eye that proves the owners of the house are just your run of the mill average citizens and not KAOS agents in disguise keeping a low profile."
"Which is?" 99 asked eagerly trying to see without the binoculars.
"The husband just came home unexpectedly and caught his wife with the postman."
99's jaw dropped and she gasped as the front door of the house suddenly flew open and a lean man in his 30ties with messy brown hair came dashing out wearing only his white boxers and socks, struggling into his uniformed shirt. He was chased immediately by a burly man in his 50ties in a light gray suit and bald head encircled with a fringe of thinning greying hair. Eyes blazing in rage and huge fists clenched, he chased the younger man around the front yard.
"Arnold! Arnold! I…I MEAN…Mr Olger! Just calm down!" the postman yelled as he dashed around the swing set.
"Why you scumBAAAAAG! You little shit! Wait till I get my hands on you!" the big older man hollered trying to corner the postman. "To think I gave you a present EVERY CHRISTMAS for the past SEVEN YEAAAAAARS! I'm gonna kick your…."
"Arnold! Quit that racket!" a woman with long brown tresses and full glossy lips in her late 20ties appears at the door, her svelte form in a short sensual black silk chemise revealing her lean alabaster thighs, topped by an open robe which she seemed completely uninterested to close appears at the door. Hands on her thrusting slender hip she titled her head at the sight of the two men running about the yard with a bored expression. "You're SCARING the neighbor's CATS!"
"Reeeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwww!" went the neighbor's cats, all three of them running up the tree in their yard next door.
"I'll give back the presents! I'll give back the presents!" the postman panted and yelled trying to keep a bench in the yard between him and his pursuer. "But ONLY the last TWO! Cause I SWEAR nothing was happening before then!"
"TWO-YEEEAAAAAAARS?!" Arnold roared
The woman tossed her head back, rolling her eyes as she said.
"Ronnie—you seeeeriously think that helps?"
"I'm-gonna-KILLYOOOOOOU!" Arnold bellowed lunging and clambering over the bench reaching for the postman who dodged the big hands just in time.
Arnold stumbled and fell to the grass but promptly dragged himself up and kept chasing his quarry who was considering joining the neighbor's cat's up a tree.
Arnold's wife sighs and turns to go back into the house, hips swaying and robe swirling as she waves a dismissive hand over her shoulder saying.
"Fine! You boys lemme know when you've pooped yourselves out, I'll get ice tea ready and our lawyers on the line."
As Arnold and the postman continued racing round he yard and the cats in the trees watching them wondered why humans couldn't just feed them and watch their illuminated boxes quietly as that would just make things more dandy for the world, 99 blinked several times and took a deep breath.
"Well…" she said. "I…I guess we can count this place out."
"That's right!" Max declared. "KAOS may be an international organization of evil working to foment revolution and unrest throughout the world but that—"Max gestured at the scene across the road. "—is WAY out of their league!"