I am back! Had wrist surgery, I had a ganglion IN my wrist joint. The surgeon said he had to really go deep into the joint, scrape the bones, fix the soft tissues. So my wrist was essentially deconstructed and reconstructed making it impossible to type until recently. Even now it's a tad difficult as I had a steroid injection today to try and control the large amount of scar tissue forming in the joint. But here is my next what-if.
Z-king: What if Hades learned that pain and panic failed to kill baby Hercules during his babyhood i mean think about it he is the lord of the underworld he should have know Hercules was not dead it should not have taken him 18 years to find out right?
Hades stared at the large stone map, nudging some of the carved stone pieces about trying to come up with the most advantageous strategy. He had another eighteen more years to finish this plan he had been concocting for nearly a century, and he wanted every detail perfect. He saw the small stone carving of a cradle, representing the infant Hercules. He stopped, realizing he never noticed the infant's soul come to the river. The blue flames on his body began to grow, clenching his fists. He was willing to bet his bumbling minions failed in their quest.
"Pain! Panic!" He bellowed, grasping the edges of his map rightly. He heard their familiar retorts of loyalty and devotion, as well as the clumsy clatter of their struggle to get ot the throne room. He pondered why he used these fools for anything. When they finally staggered into the room, Panic pacing in circles, Pain gasping for breath. After announcing their presence it took all his self control to not immediately punt them back out.
"I seem to recall," Hades started, pacing around the throne room, "Giving you two a simple task. All you had to do was take a sleeping baby, give it some formula, and kill the wriggling ball of body fluids." He stated calmly, and he noticed the immediate change in body language in his minions. That told him all he needed. Damnit! He thought, his flames beginning to grow once more, the pair of quivering demons backing away from him until they were pinned to the wall. "So boys, tell me a little something..." He turned to face them, walking closer. "Why. Is. He. Still. Alive?!" Flames erupted from his body, filling the room with a flash of white-hot plasma. The walls heated enough to have melted briefly, leaving scattered surfaces smooth as glass. The charred demons collapsed, coughing soot. "Guess I'm on my own this time," He muttered, storming up to them. "Now tell me, where is he?"
Panic, still coughing, got himself to his feet and knit his clawed fingers nervously,
"Well... you see... we were giving the umm... formula and... well you see these two mortals interrupted us he must not have finished the formula because the baby was able to beat the crap out of me and Pain and-"
"Panic. Just tell me where that baby is, now" Hades interrupted, straining to keep his temper under control. He was already going to have to re-carve most of his figures now that they were almost charred beyond recognition.
"Well these two mortals-"
"Names?" Hades interrupted again, trying to cut off the bumbling creature from carrying on.
"I think I heard one of them call the other Alcmene?" Pain offered, hoping the information would get him back into his master's good graces. Hades finally reigned in his anger, the flames finally settling back to their standard blue and he ran a hand through his hair.
"Okay, we can fix this boys. Just go bring that baby strait to me, okay? No side-trips to Disneyworld, just get the baby, and bring it here. Got it?" The pair nodded, and vanished from his sight.
Pain and Panic made their way through the winding caverns, to the entrance by the sea that was the closest entrance to Thebes. They had shed most of their charred skin, revealing the freshly grown laywer underneath. They had grown used to these outbursts over the last century, Hades's temper getting ever more fragile as it grew closer to the conjunction.
"If he finds out..." Panic mumbled, remembering how Pain had conned him into giving up persuit of the baby Hercules with the assumption Hades would never discover their error. "This always happens. You always convince me to keep a secret from Hades, he finds out, and we have to molt our skin again,"
"How was I supposed to know he'd find out?" Pain defended, waddling to keep up with his companion.
"He always finds out!" Panic lisped, crossing his arms.
"Well come on, we can't get caught like this," Pain responded, changing subjects. He shifted into a bird, prompting Panic to do the same. "So we know it's a woman named Alcmene,"
"I think I heard her call the man something beginning with Am?" Panic added, fluttering his fragile wings to keep up with Pain who was heading towards the agora.
"Well let's go to the agora. We can hear all kinds of names. Just follow anyone who's name sounds right until we find the kid!" Pain explained, and flew ahead of his companion, his thin wings straining to support his pudgy body. Panic, much faster than his corpuscular friend, flew in circles around him to keep from getting too far ahead of him.
"We better find this kid fast..." Panic sputtered, "Or Hades will do worse than kill us!"
"I dunno, maybe we can just pick any random kid," Pain suggested, and Panic thought his heart would stop merely at the thought of such deception.
"No! Remember? Hades went to the baby shower? He's seen the kid!"
"Oh come on, you really think he remembers it? He drank enough booze to kill a horse!"
"And when he finds out we snatched the wrong kid?" Panic offered, fluttering in front of Pain to block his path. "Not if. When. You said 'if' he finds out we didn't kill the kid and he found out! Of course he'll figure out it was the wrong kid!" Panic sputtered, spinning in circles trying to work off his nervous energy.
"Fine fine. We'll do it your way this time," Pain complained, and meandered around his trembling friend. "But you'll get anxious to get the job done and give in," He continued, and ignored Panic's insistence otherwise.
The pair of birds arrived at the agora, Most of the stalls had just finished setting up shop, and the first crowds of the day were milling in. Farmers with their carts of crops, eggs, chickens, and other goods. Hunters with their morning kills, the fishermen dragging in their first catch of the day. The air was stained with a nasal assaulting combination of smells, which only got worse when a child overturned a covered basket containing an orange spice.
"Where should we wait? This place is huge!" Panic complained, chewing on one clawed foot, most of his blue feathers standing on end, and those that weren't were falling out.
"Well they got the kid only like a week ago, where would someone go for baby stuff?" Pain asked. The other bird shrugged. They argued for several minutes, mostly in hushed whispers that frequently changed to manic chirping, before settling on the fish monger. "Everyone eats fish,"
The smell of the fresh fish was making Panic's mouth water. He wanted just one taste, one little morsal. He looked around at the bustling crowd, and down at the basket containing the morning catch. Would the fisherman notice a bird nibbling on one? He wasn't let out of the underworld much, and fresh fish was always a luxury he sought on the rare occasion he was left off the leash.
"No." Pain insisted, earning a confused look from Panic. "You do this every time. You always get caught. No."
"But-but-"
"You're the one who wanted to do this the right way so pay attention!" Pain whispered harshly, hoping not to draw too much attention from the mortals. Panic huffed, puffing the feathers on his chest before reluctantly relaxing. He tried to listen to the bustle of voices, trying to pick out a familiar name or see if he recognized a face. But that smell of the fish was too tempting. He looked up at Pain, watching to see if he was focused enough on his task to let Panic slip away for just a moment. He shifted, carefully, into a cat. It was grey-fured and missing some in the patches where he had been pulling at his feathers. With the senses of a cat the fish grew to an obsession. He crept to the rear of the stall's roof, and looked down into the basket. There were fish of many sizes and types. He could even tell which fish was giving which scent. Licking his lips, determined to be successful just this once, he leapt off the roof.
The fisherman, and Pain, both failed to notice his leap from the roof of the stall and his subsequent mad dash to hide behind some tall grass. He crouched, ready to pounce. The basket was low, and he knew he could grab one of the smaller fish and dash to the roof of the stall without being caught. He had enough practice, this time he wouldn't get caught. He leapt.
"Damn cats!" The fisherman yelled, barely missing lopping off Panic's tail with a mad swing of his knife. Panic dashed, his prize in his mouth, around confused feet and attempts to kick him. He leapt up a set up stairs, and dissapearing into an alley. Well. Got caught. But got my fish! He felt triumphant. He began to devour his coveted meal when Pain finally caught up to him, still the pudgy red bird.
"I told you not to do it Panic! What if we miss them?"
"I couldn't resist!" Panic defended, swallowing a large mouthful of his meal. "Other than our bad attempt at kidnapping the kid, when wsa the last time we were on the surface? I'm surprised you didn't go after the bakery! You love sweet rolls. Hades is gonna fry us one way or the other. Might as well add a happy memory to the mission," Pain landed near his friend and sighed, admitting to himself that Panic was right.
"I just want to get this overwith. The longer we take, the more we screw up, the worse Hades will fry us,"
"We probably already did," Panic admitted, "We screwed up once, why not again? Go get a sweetroll, enjoy it, and we can carry on." Panic mumbled through a mouthful. "Where did he get this?! I've never had such a buttery fish!" Having said his piece, Panic contented himself on the remainder of his meal while his reluctant companion flew off, returning later with a sweetroll in his claws. The pair finished their coveted treats, and as a pair of birds returned to the fish stand after Panic promised he ate his fill and wouldn't do this again.
The agora was growing more crowded, adding the distinct pungency of bodily musk to the already overwhelming scent of the agora. The faces grew more numerous, and the voices even more difficult to focus on. They tried to listen to just names, able to ignore large numbers of people for being too young, too old, Those who had children with them who were well beyond their infancy. But it still left them with more faces than they could count to try and keep track of. They thought they heard the names they were looking for, but the faces were always far too old or far too young. By sunset, the pair were ready to give up and return to Tartarus to accept their beating.
"Amphitryon!" A voice called, and Pain thought he remembered that name. He pecked madly at Panic, who was busy anxiously ripping out ever more feathers.
"I think I heard the name!"
"Another false alarm," Panic quipped miserably.
"No no. This voice is familiar!" Pain insisted. Panic reluctantly stopped his masochistic preening to see what Pain was so wound up about, and realized the face was familiar. "Come on," The pair flew off, following the elderly man as he rejoined a woman who was at least a decade his junior. She was holding a bundle in her arms, and the demons exchanged looks. They perched on a nearby windowsill, and eyed the couple. A low growling interrupted their observation.
"Panic if you're a cat again to go after some fish I swear-"
"It's not me!" Panic defended. The pair looked around, and nearly missed the large mangy brown cat leaping at them. They took to the sky, shrieking, and fluttered quickly out of the cats reach and continued their panicked flight until they were well above the rooftops. "That... was too close!" Panic spat, dramatically flopping onto his back.
"I hate all these stupid mortal creatures," Pain mumbled. They lay there, panting, and trying to catch their breath. "Uh... Panic?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you pay attention to where that couple was going?"
"I was busy trying... not to... be... eaten..." Panic trailed off, and once again the demons were in a panic. "What are we gonna do!"
"Wait, I'll turn into a dog, you fly ahead to see if you can find them! I'm sure I can catch their scent. That baby smelled weird, I'm sure I can find them as a dog," Pain stated, amazed at his own brilliance. Panic was skeptical, but had no better ideas. He flew off to try and see if he could spot the couple, making sure not to lose sight of Pain in the process. The last thing he wanted to do was get lost, have Pain find the baby, and return to the underworld with it so Panic could limp home days later to be fried alive while Pain was rewarded.
Pain sniffed, and was surprised how quickly he found the infant's smell. As a dog it was much more potent, and brought tears to his eyes and he nearly shifted into something else just to clear the overpowering stench. He walked, carefully following the scent. He walked, for what he felt like was the entire length of Greece but in reality was only two miles, before finding a small home. The smell grew ever stronger, and he knew he had found it. He gratefully turned back into a bird, bringing the maddening stench down to background noise. A shrill whistle, echoed back by Panic, helped the pair locate eachother.
"Sure this is the place?" Panic mumbled. Pain wondered how he was able to fly with so few feathers left. Pain nodded,
"I'm sure. Come on, we'll hide until they're asleep and take the kid, rush back to Hades, and hopelly only be fried a little instead of having to molt again. I hate doing that twice in one day," He muttered.
"That's only 'cause you're so fat you can hardly get your old skin off!" Pain growled, and decided to ignore Panic. If he fought with him now, they might clue the humans as to something happening and they would stay up later or take extra precautions to protect the infant. They fluttered to a nearby tree, where they waited for the mortals to sleep.
"Okay. They've been in that bed long enough I'm pretty sure they're asleep," Pain stated, startling Panic out of a light sleep.
"What makes you so sure?"
"The taller one is snoring loud enough I can hear it from here," apparently satisfied with that response Panic joined Pain, joyously slipping back to their natural forms, and slipped through a window in the bedroom. They took one final glance at the couple and snatched the infant, flying far and fast as the soft sleeping coos of the infant turned into raucous screams.
"Why does Hades want this noisy thing?" Panic complained, straining to hold the pudgy baby.
"So he can't fight in eighteen years!" Pain replied incredulously.
"This kid is loud enough to wake up all of Greece! Or worse yet, Zeus!"
"The kid is mortal now, Zeus can't take him!"
"But he can fry us for having him!" Panic replied, and began to chew on his bottom lip.
"All the more reason to hurry back to the underworld!" Pain shouted, and the pair struggled back to the water where the entrance to Tartarus rest. They made their way through the winding tunnels, and found their way to the throne room where they found Hades still obsessing over his map.
"Oh your great evilness?" Pain announced their return, "we have it," They put the infant down, and quickly scrambled away from the screaming creature. Hades approached, his expression impossible to read so the demons were unsure if they were in for a reward, or a fiery explosion. Hades reached down for the kid, who began to calm down at being handled properly,
"I'd recognize this face anywhere. This is Zeus's kid alright. Good work boys," the pair flinched, "Kinda surprised really, expected you to bring me the wrong baby and try to pass it off!" He laughed, making the pair flinch again. "Ya know, I've been hard on you, here," He flicked one hand, a large absinthe bottle appareing in it. "Take this and stay out of my sight tonight" He flung the bottle at the fumbling demons, who somehow manage to catch it. "Have fun buys, we have a lot more work ahead of us," They wasted no time scrambling out of the room.
"So, you little snotrag..." Hades trailed, flicking his hand again to form a dagger. "Nice knowin' ya and all, but. Bad investment really, you understand. I mean the real estate market is so fragile! Especially on these cosmic scales!" He looked down at the infant Hercules, who cooed and gave a weak smile, reaching up with his pudgy arms. "No arguing now! I'm the boss yere, you don't get to sass me. This is happenin' kid," another coo, "I mean it!" Hades bit his lip, and narrowed his eyes. "You win this round." Those fates only said he can't fight. Didn't saying anything about living. Besides, might be nice in a few years to have something intelligent to talk to. Persephone has been begging me for a kid anyways.
"See! I told you it would have ended badly if we brought home a random baby!" Panic insisted, and the pair enjoyed the divine liquid gifted to them.
This started out hard to write, then I had some fun with Pain and Panic. They are probably my weakest characters by far, but I still hope this chapter is enjoyable!