Tamaki woke up covered in a cold sweat, soaking into the sheets that were tangled around his body. His heart was racing and his breathing was coming fast and erratically. It was becoming a common occurrence for him to wake up in a panic. Each night he kept having nightmares, all of them with a similar theme. His life would always be in peril, fighting back against death. Sometimes he would be hanging from a cliff by his fingertips, his grip strength beginning to fail, while other times he would be in the ocean, the tide so strong that he couldn't make it back to the shore, but this wasn't the worse of it.

Someone he loved would always be there in the dreams. This was a common theme in every one. His mother would be standing at the shoreline, watching him scream for help and not making a move to help him get back to the shore. She would just pick up a seashell and walk away. In other situations it would be Haruhi, standing at the edge of the cliff, smiling as he tried to find purchase against the rough stones as his fingers bled. Each person would just stand there, watching him struggle and suffer, but not answering his cries for help.

The dreams with Kyoya were particularly vicious and painful. This night was no different. He was trapped in a shack, fire burning the thin wood walls around him, searing his skin. Kyoya was there, laughing, pouring more accelerant on the flames, making it burn hotter. There would be a wicked, evil glint in his eye, enhanced by the way the fire cast shadows on his long face. As he would reach out in a final effort for help, calling out his name desperately, Kyoya would turn his back and walk away without another word.

He glanced over at Haruhi, who was soundly asleep still. It had stopped waking her up when he would thrash about in the night. She had been spending most of the nights while school was on break with him, just to keep him company. He had felt so alone since Kyoya had stopped talking to him a month ago, and was so grateful that should would spend her free time with him. She was being as supportive as she could be, though he could tell that she was becoming irritated and almost jealous of the emotions he had and him constantly talking about the pain he was in. Now he would just keep it in, allowing her to keep distract him and his mind occupied during the day, but night was a different story all together.

At night, when Haruhi would drift off to a peaceful sleep, Tamaki would have his time to think. Conversations would run through his head that he had had with Kyoya, or ones that he would never have the chance to have. There would never be the chance for him to express his emotions and feelings to him. Different situations would run through his head. At times, he would think about getting a message from Kyoya who acted like nothing had ever happened. It would run through his mind about how he would react to something like that. Would he also act like nothing had happened? Or would he tell him off, and finally let his friend know his feelings? His mind would race, making falling asleep harder than it should be.

Slowly, he swung his legs out of bed, knowing there was a good chance that he would not be able to fall back asleep this night either. The lack of sleep was effecting his personality. He was more irritable than normal, his usual upbeat demeanor slipping away to a bitterness that he wasn't use to. Haruhi was taking the brunt of his sourness, and he felt terrible for this. He was use to apologizing with flowers and lavish gifts, which he had tried with her, but it only made her angrier. Things like this made her so unlike most woman that he knew, which made his feelings even deeper. Nothing was or would ever be about his money. She was the least materialistic person he had ever met.

The house was dark, no movement at all. This silence was something he had always been use to. Most of the time his father was away on business, and the servants were the only ones he had to socialize with. This time, his father had been gone for a week now, not that he would have cared that his son was having a hard time at the time. He was off with the Ootori family, which made his pain all the worse. They were "strengthening" their business relationship, but really they were all at one of the Ootori resorts, pampering themselves. Tamaki knew that Kyoya was with his family, and wondered what he was thinking, or if he missed his friend the was Tamaki missed him.

He worked his way to a bathroom that was set away, wanting to wash the stickiness off at least his face without disturbing his dear Haruhi. It disgusted him to wake up covered in filth the way he had been, especially next to someone he cared so much about. The cool water helped him bring his mind back to reality, knowing that no one would watch him actually die, or at least he hoped so. The dark held his fears tight to him, letting his mind play into every worse case scenario. His mind was becoming his worst enemy.

"Dammit!" he yelled, punching the wall next to the mirror. His reflection was showing tears that he was sick of shedding every day, making him feel weak. "Why cant you just get over this?"

"Because he hurt you by leaving, and you don't know the real reason why."

He jumped, having not heard Haruhi's footsteps approach. Guilt filled him as he knew he had caused her to wake up, again. There was a sadness in her tired eyes that was breaking his heart to see. He was causing her pain with his suffering. He was being selfish with his feelings, making him angrier and frustrated with himself.

"What do you mean?" he replied, more aggressively than he meant to answer her, yet again unjustly taking his anger out on her..

"Well, you loved him, that much is clear to everyone that has ever met the both of you. Losing him was just like losing a chunk of you. The relationship you had with each other was complicated. Then you lost him, like you lost your mother."

"I didn't lose her! I had to leave her. It was the only way that I could save her. And there wasn't much of a choice. You know my Grandmother made it an ultimatum, and I would rather have walked away knowing she would be okay than to stay and lose her anyways."

"And you put her ahead of your feelings, but for a reason. Losing her hurt so badly. You don't really know why Kyoya walked away from you. You keep assuming it was you, that you weren't good enough, or that he used you and got what he needed, but there was probably more to it. Remember when I told you it could be his family? Maybe he walked away to protect you. Maybe he cares about saving you from something he was going through."

"I doubt it. I was just a means to an end for him."

"Tamaki, quit your shit."

This took him back a bit. Haruhi was not the type to swear at him. Her face was actually angry.

"At this point, what does it matter what his reasoning was? Worrying isn't going to bring either one back to your life. You were strong enough to walk away from your mother, and while it hurt you, you still did it. You can make it through this, even if it wasn't your choice. You are strong, and can make it through anything."

She kissed his forehead and turned to leave, stopping in the doorway. Looking over her shoulder she said, "It's okay to hurt, but just don't let it take over your life." With that, she headed back to bed.

He just stood there, not knowing what had just happened or what to do. Haruhi was right, knowing his feelings better than he ever would, but that didn't make it easier. Not knowing the exact reason his friend had abandoned him was ripping him apart. If he just knew for sure, he would feel a little better, but that wasn't the case. Although, at this point, a reason wouldn't really matter anyways. He had walked away, making Tamaki feel like he wasn't worth fighting for.

The realization hurt him. No matter what, the bottom line would come down to Kyoya not wanting Tamaki in his life, but it wasn't the case for everyone. Haruhi was still by his side, fighting to keep him grounded in the real world. The rest of the Host club was still reaching out to him, letting him know they were thinking about him and still wanted to be a part of his life. He would mourn this new loss, but he would get through this. There was still a lot of life ahead of him, and there would be always be hurt. What would always matter the most was how he would handle the challenges and pain that life threw at him, and how he would grow from it.

He smiled sadly, still feeling better about the situation he was now stuck in, though feeling a bit better. The thought of the woman currently sleeping in his bed gave him a warmth throughout his body. She was still by his side, and he loved her. His feet carried him quickly back to his room, where he held Haruhi and was fast asleep within minutes,with no nightmares to wake him again.