My lord, I can't believe I actually received over forty reviews for this. You're not supposed to actually obey the ransom notes, you fools. (But I appreciate your comments all the same. :D)

Because I'm truly impressed by all the positive feedback I've received, I've decided to add another chapter. Gosh, I'm swell.

So, you wanna write a badfic...

Part 3

Look at you go! Two chapters in and you're just getting started! You still have so much to offer and your fingers are itching to write, I know. So, just for you, I've once again extended the guide.

Now, I know that you're pretty pleased with yourself—and you should be! You're doing an awesome job and your reviewers love you. However, now that you're three chapters in, you're beginning to realize that your shiny wonderfic is missing something. Something important. Something crucial.

Step 12: Whoops! We forgot the plot. Better throw something together quick.

Katara sat through her afternoon classes with a happy smile on her face. She still couldn't believe the new kid shared so many of her interests. (Programming, Converse... all two of them.) She was more than excited to see what kinds of projects Zuko was working on with that juiced-up laptop of his. Anyone with that kind of technology clearly knew what they were doing. (Because I sure as hell don't.)

She was so caught up in her excitement that at the end of the day when she was dumping her textbooks in her locker and getting ready to meet Zuko at the front gate, she almost missed the sound of her cellphone's ringtone from inside her bag. (This is where badfic writers usually insert their own favorite song for the character's ringtone, but I don't really have one, so we'll just say it's the My Little Pony theme song.) Quickly snapping out of her thoughts, she fumbled in her bag for the phone. She found it after about the fourth ring and hurriedly pressed the button to accept the call.

"Hello?"

"Good afternoon, Katara," greeted a smooth voice through the phone's speaker. "I'm calling to check in on the status of the program we, er...commissioned you for three weeks ago."

Katara stiffened. What? Why would they...? This wasn't right. She'd been given a month and a half for this project and the organization never called until the week before the due date. Why was she receiving the call now? "Isn't this a little early?" she questioned the man on the other end of the line.

"Ah, so it is," he agreed, his voice almost pleasant. But Katara wouldn't be fooled by his tone. These people were not nice or pleasant in the least. "You'll forgive me for calling a bit early... As you know, this program is quite important for our organization and we just want to make sure that there aren't any problems that might delay its completion."

Katara frowned. Was the organization questioning her ability? "Of course not," she replied firmly but still politely. "Your program will be completed and delivered on time as requested."

"Excellent. We'll be in touch."

There was a soft click and the line went dead.

Katara exhaled a sigh of relief and slipped her phone back into her bag. She hated dealing with those people. The sooner she completed this project, the sooner she would be done with them. For a while, anyway. They always came calling again after a month or two.

Oh, my god! I'm so sorry. I completely got ahead of myself again. That was far too much detail for a scene in a badfic. Give me a sec and I'll fix it.

[Edited] She was so caught up in her excitement about going home with the gorgeous, sexylicious mysterious hunk of man-meat that was Zuko that when she was getting ready to meet him at the end of the day, she almost missed her cellphone ringing. She quickly grabbed it and answered, "Hello?"

"Hello, Katara. I'm calling about the program we requested."

Katara gasped. ('Gasped' is a very good word. It's a word you will be using frequently and most likely inappropriately.) What? But why? The program wasn't due yet. "Aren't you calling a little early?"

"We just want to make sure there aren't any problems."

"Of course not," she replied. "The program will be completed and delivered on time."

"Good. I'll call you again later."

Katara sighed. She hated dealing with the organization.

How mysterious! Now that was a brilliantly placed plot. Mysterious plots are very important because they hook your reader into continuing your fic even if they hate everything else about it. By throwing in scenes like this from time to time, you can string your readers along for months. They'll keep hoping that your plot will unfold into something awesome and epic enough to make up for all the time they've wasted following your story and caving to your ransom notes. (But you owe them nothing. You hear me? Just sit back and soak up the praise.)

Step 13: Your romance isn't complete without competition. But don't worry, this part is easy. Just grab a convenient male character and make him the bad guy.

Katara was on her way to the gate when a lanky figure stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"Katara, babe," he greeted, smiling around the blade of grass sticking out of his mouth. (Bet you didn't see this coming.)

Katara gasped (remember what I said about this word?) and frowned at the boy who grabbed her. "Jet," she spat, yanking her arm free.

Jet covered his heart with his hand, feigning hurt at her cold reaction to him. "Hey, now," he admonished. "I just want to talk with you."

"We have nothing to talk about," Katara all but snarled. Like hell she was ever giving Jet the time of day again. Not since she found out that he'd been cheating on her. (Always cheating. Always.)

"Look, babe, I'm sorry. You know I—"

"—am a giant asshole. Yeah, I do know that," Katara completed for him. "And don't call me babe."

She attempted to duck around him, but he stopped her.

"Fine, fine. But let me make it up to you. I managed to get tickets for the Slipknot concert this weekend. I know how much you wanted see them live."

"Not with you," she said firmly, trying to circumvent him once more.

Step 14: Refer back to steps 8-10.

A strong arm appeared between them, holding Jet back. Katara followed the arm and gasped (Man, we are great at this!) when she saw none other than Zuko standing there, staring Jet down fiercely. "She said no," he stated coolly. (Rawr.)

Jet spat out his grass and looked Zuko up and down with a scowl. "Who the fuck are you?"

"None of your business," Zuko dismissed him easily. "Come on, Katara. Let's get out of here."

Katara nodded quickly and allowed Zuko to lead her away toward the school gate.

Sudden perspective switch!

Jet watched them go, inwardly steaming. I will have you back, Katara, he promised silently. And that fucker will pay.

Moar switching!

"Are you okay?" Zuko asked, concerned for his new friend. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Katara wiped a tear from her eye. (Why is she crying? I honestly can't explain this. I just know it's something I'm required to include as a badfic writer.) "Yeah, I'm fine. Dealing with him just makes me so angry."

"Who is he?" the scarred teen asked.

"Ex-boyfriend. I caught him cheating on me so I broke up with him. He's just an asshole."

Zuko's expression hardened. "Cheaters are the worst. My dad cheated on my mom. I never forgave him." (Funny how they always pick the one thing Ozai isn't canonically guilty of to establish him as a bad guy in these types of fics.)

Katara gasped. (God, we are on fire!) "That's awful!"

Zuko shrugged. "I don't talk to him much." He segued then. "Anyway, I'm sorry for prying into your personal life. Let's forget about all that uncool stuff by having ice cream at my place while I show you what I've been working on."

Katara nodded and smiled brightly. "Awesome. I hope you have Rocky Road!"

This is getting long. I'm sure you're tired of writing now, and since you're basically god, why don't you just end it here?

Honestly, your readers are lucky they got more than a thousand words out of you. You're such a nice person.

In fact, you're so nice that, really, they should appreciate you more. After all, other authors are getting way more than twenty reviews per chapter. Let's up the ransom a bit. Try this for your 3rd chapter hostage note:

Wow! You guys are really so wonderful. Your comments are what keep me writing. ;) ^_~ ;3

But I've noticed that there are lots of fics that get 60+ reviews per chapter, so this time I want to get at least 30. I work really hard to put out these chapters, so please show that you care by doing your part to support me!

Oooh, yes. That's the good stuff. Don't just beg for reviews, guilt your readers into feeling like they owe you. Just watch out, because some readers are jerks and will get mad at you for doing this. But you can ignore them. Haters gonna hate.

Happy writing, and I'll see you again in part 4! (A million tons of maybe)

Real Author's Note:

My god, I continued this again. I even gave it a plot. I must really be a masochist.

Sorry if this chapter seemed kind of boring. I threw it together in the two hours between classes today.

Thank you so much to the people who offered suggestions for this guide. I'll try to work in as many of them as I can. (If I continue, that is. I really don't know how much more my soul can take.)