Chapter 20 part 2
This is it everyone. It's been a long time coming, but I hope ya'll enjoy the final chapter. Don't forget to drop a review. Thanks readers!
My attention leaves the bowl of cereal in front of me when I hear the door swing open. Kira is in the doorway. He is glaring at me. I stare back at him as I slowly munch on my breakfast, but he says noting, and continues to stare for what I feel to be an awkward moment.
I raise my eyebrow. In response, he walks over to the fridge and pours himself a glass of water. The scowl stays. For a moment I wonder what could be wrong. It can be many things considering all that has happened. I should probably ask…glancing at my phone I see that it is only 8 a.m.
It's too early.
My stomach rumbles and I turn my attention back to my food.
"Why didn't you say anything?"
I look up and he is standing beside me. It reminds me of a killer from a slasher film. The grim stare of death coming from a hovering ominous figure, emitting a strong dark energy. Instead of a knife in hand, he holds his dripping cup of iced water. Instead of a stranger, it is my best friend.
"Huh?" I say.
I heard him, but I haven't a clue of what he is referring to. All I wanted was to get breakfast before I started searching for a new job. It would have been a good idea to go to bed earlier, but, since Kira's been back, I only have late nights to truly be alone with her.
Kira takes in a deep breath.
"Is it yours?" he says.
I drop my spoon into my bowl. What could he be possibly…he couldn't be talking about that. How would he even know? The internet?
I push my stool out slowly.
"What are you talking about, Kira?"
"My sister," his tone is acrid. "Unless you want to tell me that she's gained a lot of weight around her stomach?"
My tiredness is replaced by dizziness. Is the ground moving? Is that a lump in my throat? Legs on my heart? I knew he'd have to find out eventually, I just didn't want him to find out on his own. We just needed time-he needed time. Right?
"Kira…"
"Is it yours?" he repeats.
It's silent. I never meet his eyes, but, even so, I can feel his gaze upon me. He is burning holes into my soul. I wonder how he feels? Does he feel betrayed because we've been keeping something like this from him? Does he not want me to be the one who deflowered his sister? Is it weird that it's me? For a while I fought my attraction to Cagalli because I thought it would make things weird for us. I was worried it would change the dynamic of our relationships; that things would be strained.
"Is it?" he yells.
Breathing in I say, "yes."
How long have we been sitting in silence on my bed? Maybe for an hour…my eyes drift to the digital alarm clock on my night stand. Only fifteen minutes went by since I opened my door to him. I mentally sigh. My thumbs are wrestling each other, my feet are swinging back and forth. I wonder what he's doing? Do I dare to find out?
Briefly, I stare at him. Our eyes meet, and I find myself staring at my lap again.
I dreamt of this day, the day that I would be by my brother's side again. I yearned for it. At this very moment, I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go, but I can't. Do I even deserve to? I rejected him, I wouldn't see him, even after all he's been through. I just couldn't look him in the face.
He killed father. I killed Lacus. I was going to sacrifice myself, and so was Athrun. Me and Athrun are going to be parents…Athrun and I are in love.
How was I supposed to say all that to him? I just got him back! I don't want to talk about those things! Can't we talk how we used to? I want him to tease me, to laugh with me about TV shows, to reprimand me about whatever sport I was trying out. I miss us praising Myrna's desserts, I miss discussing our future, and I even miss him going on about Lacus (even though I wanted to gag about how mushy he would get).
Having him back is harder than I thought.
"So…" he starts, "how long have you two been…I mean you're pregnant by him, so…"
With each word he speaks my heart pounds.
"I'm sorry we didn't tell you!"
He looks at me wide eyed. We stare at each other for a moment-I missed those violet eyes-but eventually his gaze softens.
"It's fine," he says, softly.
"How can you say that?"
He sighs.
"Because…how could you? 'Hey Kira, guess what, I'm having a baby!" he chuckles. "That wouldn't make sense. We can't have happy conversations like that yet. We have so much more to say, don't we?"
I nod.
"I'm glad it's Athrun though," he smiles.
"Me too," I say.
"He told me everything," he looks down. "I'm sorry, Cagalli. I'm sorry that you went through so much for me, and I am sorry that it's my fault that father's dead."
His voice is becoming strained.
"I killed Lacus," I choke.
"I know," he says. "Athrun told me everything that has happened while I was…I'm hurt, but I am not mad at you. You saved my best friend. You did what you needed to do."
"You hate me," I shake my head from side to side.
I feel my chest tightening. I can't breathe. My eyes shut tight as my head falls to my lap.
"You hate me, I know you do," I cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
His arms wrap around my shoulder. He's squeezing me.
"I could never hate you. I thought you would hate."
Slowly, I sit up, his arms still around me. Tears cascade down his cheeks. I bring my finger to his eye and wipe one away.
How can I hate him? It wasn't him who killed father, it was the terrible thing this land turned him into. Kira couldn't harm a fly.
"I could never hate you," I say. "You're right, it hurts, but father chose to sacrifice himself. You didn't choose to let him. It hurts, but I don't hate you and I don't blame you."
"I don't hate you and I don't blame you," he repeats.
We hug, and I never felt so warm. A smile creeps on my face. I rest my head on his shoulder, and I stay that way for as long as I can.
"We will get through this, all three of us," he lets go and stares at my stomach. "I mean all four of us."
I smile.
"So, I'm going to be an uncle?"
"You'll be the best uncle," I lightly punch his arm.
He laughs, "yeah."
Once a week, for the past several weeks, I visit their graves. If I don't, I feel a surge of guilt flow through me-I feel discomfort. When I visit father, I sit on the grass, legs folded, silently. I stare at his engraved name on the stone. I must look melancholy when I do. Sometimes, I feel acid burn my throat, and other times I feel my chest tighten to the point where I feel like I can't breathe. But I keep coming back. I feel sick each time, but I keep coming back. I can't see him anymore…this is all I can do.
It's different when I visit Lacus. I stand staring down at the tombstone and the many pink and yellow flowers that surround it. I speak as if she is there. I say, "I love you," or "I miss you." I apologize each time for what I've done to her. Sometimes I close my eyes, listen to the wind and wait to hear a response, a simple whisper of forgiveness. I never hear it.
Today there isn't any wind, so I don't bother. I am about to turn and head back to my car when I hear loud sobs from behind. I stand and listen. She's choking and sniffling. She's whispering things, but they come out hoarse. Can I just walk away? Walk past whoever is behind me and ignore her sorrow? I slightly turn my head and see a woman with red hair hunched over a grave. Her hands are clenched on both sides of the stone; her shoulders are trembling. Slowly, I walk over.
"Here," I say, holding out a piece of tissue.
She jumps. Her eyes are red, and her nose is dripping. At first, she looks angry, but her eyes soften, and she looks back and forth between me and the tissue. Her hand slowly rises to take it.
"Thank you," she says.
I give her a smile. My eyes drift to the tombstone. It reads George Allster.
"My father," she says, "he died recently."
"Mine, too."
And, for a while, we stay there in silence.
"Do you really have to go?"
With a yawn, I stretch my arms and legs, before sitting up. I look at Cagalli. She's blankly staring at the bedroom ceiling.
"Yes, because you're a distraction," I say. "If I want to pass then I need to study, and I need to do that alone."
"I could help you," she props herself up on her elbows.
"You help me enough," I say, "If you're bored, why don't you bother Kira?"
Her eyes lower.
"Am I bothering you?"
"No!" I bend down, but she quickly sits up and places herself at the edge of the bed, her back to me.
I go behind her and begin to rub her shoulders.
"You're never a bother," I whisper in her ear. "I just need to focus."
Cagalli is silent.
"You understand right?"
I rub her shoulders more, but she is still silent; she is stiff.
"Are you okay," I sit beside her.
Her face is whitewashed.
"Cagalli, what's wrong?"
Her head slowly turns in my direction. She grips my hand and says:
"I think my water just broke!"
Should there be an epilogue?
Until next time...Farewell