A/N: Law is often referring to Jersey Shore and Laguna Beach. Man, I loved those shows back in my day! XD This chapter turned out to be a long one – I couldn't cut it in half.
Naghi-Tan: T . T
Harmonica Smile: I need some humor to clear the air – it's so emotionally intense. Especially this chapter! I thought Marco would be in a good spot in this story – took me a lot of thinking as to who could fill it, and his face popped up first. It's a small part, but it's pretty important. Law is definitely fighting to recover, and it isn't an easy process but it's starting to get stronger. Doesn't make it an easier when venturing out of a cave created by his own hands keeps crumbling around the edges D: His disorder had him so occupied that he'd stacked his memories of his family away but with Marco's help and his small support around him, he can do it! (Maybe…I still can't see the ending D: ) I'm doing ok : ) Rocinante will come back around…someday…but his involvement will stay small, considering how big this pair's problems are. To minimize my emotional wellbeing lol
Guest: It was a definite, wonderful perk, wasn't it? He's getting more hopeful and a little bold, but…sorry about getting your hopes up when you read this chapter D:
Snowflake97: They are on the mend! Luffy will pursue them to the ends of the earth to be heard – considering that he'd derailed off his plans in canon to ask Sanji a "question" XD. There will be moments ahead! Someday…
WulfyFang3: Both of them are toeing a line that gets further muddled in this chapter. Neither of them bold enough to say much but skirt around the issue. At least they acknowledged to themselves that there is something there! I know Law is a coin collector but this seemed more fitting for this modern AU, considering his television obsession.
Thanks to all that read this fic!
: : 12
Sanji felt like he was in a defining position – he was struggling to pull out of his depression with mighty effort. He started it off feeling as if he hadn't slept at all – he thought about the things he needed to do and how to do it; he thought about how to improve it. He thought about the actions he was taking with Law in Law's recovery; he thought about how he needed to tip-toe around the apartment because Bepo knew how to escape his tank. He thought about Brook, he thought about Zoro, he thought about Luffy and his friends. He thought about how hard it was to get himself up on time, to properly shower and dress, to do basic things.
Everything was a physical and mental struggle. It seemed a little better now, but there were days where this depression weighed down his limbs and scattered his thoughts and made life feel like it was a terrible thing. Ever since the divorce, it felt like he'd lost a whole part of himself that had to be reconstructed again. It seemed like a topic that didn't hold weight or importance, but it was his struggle. He had to wonder just how many other people out there struggled to live after a divorce, and why wasn't it an every day topic?
But it was starting to occur to him that he rarely thought of himself. He told himself he needed to start off thinking about himself; how he could improve his appearance, how to like himself more, how to give himself some TLC. He was divorced, but still giving everyone else but himself the care he needed.
Had he ever in the first place?
He'd spent most of his childhood trying to please his family; he spent the rest of his life trying to make Zoro and the others happy. Part of his co-dependency was giving Zoro everything so that Zoro would love him, but that backfired. Now he was in a place where he was alone and starting over and learning how to be a person again, and he'd never thought it was going to be this difficult.
Law had his boundaries. If he felt Sanji was being too pushy on him, he'd speak up right away and Sanji found it helpful to ease off the gas in order to give the older man the space he needed. He could feel himself falling into the role of caretaker once more, but getting frustrated when Law either ignored him or denied him the action; Sanji only recognized that he was frustrated because it was his own security being checked rightfully by someone that was firm with him. It was a good thing. Sanji was grateful for that.
Zoro had let Sanji make the decisions, then get irritated with them later. Sanji had insisted it was for Zoro's own good, but now…Sanji could see that he took control in a way that wasn't healthy for both of them. No wonder Zoro was so conditioned to rely on him without giving anything back in return.
Sanji realized he had to continue taking this road with his own feet to find himself. He had to find out what sort of person he actually was on his own. He didn't have Zoro and the others to rely upon; he didn't have a family to call and ask advice from. All he had was Law, the restaurant and a lizard that liked settling atop of his forehead whenever he escaped the tank. He missed Brook terribly but he had to trust the old dog was being cared for by Zoro. He had to let that go.
The things he and Law shared with each other were starting to creep past their earlier boundaries. The toys was one example; the recovery efforts with Law was another. He was starting to see what sort of person Law actually was, and it was startling how similar he was to Sanji. Law's only difference was that he preferred to shut himself away to avoid attention, rather than fight for it in the way that Sanji had. But both of them shared a similar sort of humor, interest and a relaxed comradery that Sanji hadn't found in anyone else. It was startling how easy it was to sit side by side with the guy and watch show after show without feeling awkward about it. They had a respect for each other where they would pick each other up without expectations or judgement. Law didn't get angry at him, but had a sort of avoidance towards the mood that made Sanji feel guilty in a way, but Law would address it later where it felt like he wasn't being attacked.
Of the fog that made its home in Sanji's head, it only started to clear when Law was present.
After all the tumultuous things that had happened, he could finally sit down and think. And the one thing he really needed to face as that uncomfortable, looming something that Sanji had noticed before.
He was only blind and deaf because of his circumstances. But his intuition was picking up something from Law's end that started to make Sanji uncomfortable. It wasn't the right time because he wasn't over Zoro, and he couldn't bear to make himself love again because he couldn't believe in it. But he definitely felt a sort of interest coming from Law – he couldn't deny it or play it off.
It was in the little things; the occasional too long stare in conversation, the slight blushing, the closeness to which they stood –
Sanji wasn't ready to accept or consider another person's feelings. He was such a mess. The thought was intimidating.
He didn't want it to ruin what felt like a good friendship, and he didn't want to be anyone's expectations. He wasn't ready to make anyone happy – he had to work on himself.
It wasn't that Law was pushy in any sense – Sanji couldn't see the older man making any type of move. He didn't say or do anything that could be considered flirty and perhaps Law thought the same thing of himself; he was busy working on recovery so perhaps it wasn't anything that Sanji could stress over. But Sanji didn't want to disappoint him; he also didn't want to reach out to take advantage or draw attention his way.
Now that he was aware of it, he felt intimidated by it. So his walls came up sharply.
"I won't be able to attend sessions with you," he said later that week, fidgeting with his lighter.
"Okay," Law said, nonplussed. Sanji was relieved and annoyed that he wasn't invited to share the reason why – Law took it at that and changed the channel.
Sanji wanted to be clear about the invisible reason why he was shutting himself away, but he knew directly confronting the thing head-on wasn't good for both of them.
So he said, "The thought of dating anyone at the moment makes me feel such anxiety."
Law glanced at him before looking at the show playing with confusion. "Sanji, this is 'Law & Order'. Is that what's troubling you?"
Sanji glanced at him with puzzlement, then looked at the screen. He hadn't been paying attention in the first place. "…Um."
"I think you're being too dramatic," Law then added as Bepo crawled from the back of his neck to rest over his shoulder, lightly doing push-ups. "There are some good stories out there. Not every person is the one you're pulling away from."
"I know, but – "
Law exhaled. "Eventually, Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie found others they could be happy with."
Sanji couldn't remember what show they were from, but Law sounded positive about it so he took it as that.
"And Kirsten found a man that was better than Steven could ever be, so I believe in second chances."
Sanji realized this man needed to get out more. He was sure Law was talking about characters from tv shows, but he couldn't remember from what.
Law nodded with confirmation, mesmerized by the crime scene breakdown playing before them. "There's always something better…"
Sanji furrowed his brow. "Why don't you date? Or have you?"
"I'm too selfish," Law muttered. Sanji couldn't tell what tone he was using to clarify what he felt, exactly.
"But have you ever?"
"It never worked out to consider any of them…relationships. So I don't have any horror stories to share."
Sanji shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He watched tv for a few moments before saying, "It's all the same. It's just two people passing time, lying to each other before ultimately realizing that nothing works."
Law thought about it. "Eventually, though, there has to be more than that. Otherwise, why is love so coveted?"
"Because it's security and reliability. Being alone is…troubling."
"Why?" Law asked, looking away from the television set as a commercial came on. "You answer to no one, you don't compromise with anyone but yourself, you've got no one but yourself to rely on. You don't get to be disappointed with anyone else's decision, you don't get hurt, you don't – "
"All those things are scary things, Law, but there are other things that are great things," Sanji insisted. "There's the body contact, there's the intimacy, there's the sharing of experience - !"
"Yeah, I get that, but it seems like a lot of work. It's exhausting," Law added, stroking Bepo's head, the spotted gecko's eyes closing with pleasure. "Trying to please another person is like doing everything it takes to make the reflection of yourself better."
"There are rewards when it's a good relationship."
"Neither of us know what that is."
Sanji grumbled. "Maybe if you had an actual relationship, you'd understand what I meant."
"I had plenty of admirers, and maybe a couple of girlfriends in high school," Law pointed out. Because it sounded like Law wasn't even sure of that, Sanji had to look at him skeptically. Law insisted with a rather lame, "I did…"
"Show me proof."
Law sighed, holding Bepo to his cheek. "Animals are so much easier. Their love is unconditional. They don't care what you look like, or smell like or are even interested in your day to day shit. They just like you for you."
Sanji frowned over at him, wanting to slap the lizard from the man's face to avoid him contaminating himself. He straightened up in his seat.
"Let's find you a date."
"Ugh."
"It'll be great. I know someone."
"And I think you remind me too much of Steve Buscemi."
"Shit head."
"Arschgesicht."
Sanji had to admit, hearing that said so calmly in that often monotone voice sounded a little sexy. He was uncomfortable acknowledging that. A part of him that felt dead seemed to warm a little – it seemed to whisper that he was a very lonely and very single man.
He wanted that part of him dead.
"You're bilingual? Or just bi?"
Law chuckled. "Bepo, attack."
The lizard looked at Sanji, turning on his shoulder to face the horrified blond.
"I will cook you and eat you off a stick!" he threatened the gecko. He then looked at Law. "Let's go down to the park and look at dogs."
An hour later, both of them were nursing Starbucks drinks while watching various dogs play with each other and their owners at the dog park. Both of them wore frozen expressions, as if both were asking themselves at the same time why they were doing this. It was a beautiful day out, encouraging runners to wear less layers and for kids to play noisily on playground equipment. There was a skate park nearby, where shouts, laughter and music rang out. Bikers, walkers and people enjoying the day were scattered about throughout the wide paths.
"Do you think your perception of dating will change as you get better?" Sanji asked Law, watching a German Shephard play with a chocolate Labrador.
Law shrugged. He was wearing a hoodie over jeans – everything about his clothing looked so loose and large, but Sanji could see that his wrists and hands were starting to thicken up.
"Why are you so engrossed in this subject?" Law asked.
Sanji shrugged. "I just ended up thinking about it."
"Life only stops when you're dead," Law pointed out.
"I just think that you need someone in your life that can be what you need," Sanji said slowly.
Law looked at him with a frown. "I do have that."
Sanji felt his heart slam a little harder with apprehension.
Law turned his attention to a small terrier that was trying to get the attention of a cocker spaniel. "Bepo is all the support animal I need," he added gravely.
Sanji sighed.
Law looked at him again. Sanji noticed he hadn't really drank too much of his Americana – he noticed that despite his attitude, the older man had a somewhat tense grip on his cup. But Sanji couldn't tell whether it was being outside that was doing it, or the conversation. He didn't understand why he was so insistent on drawing the boundary he couldn't name aloud.
"Are you thinking of moving out?" Law then asked. "Is this why you're so insistent on sharing your misery?"
Sanji sighed again. "No. I just…"
"From the day you moved in until right now, I do worry about finding you with a bag over your head, or something," Law said with concern. "Listen, I've been alive longer than you. I've been alone for longer than you have. I don't need someone watching over me, or feeling sorry for me, or nagging me into doing something I know I should be doing. If you're going to leave, at least give thirty days' notice so I can find another roommate."
"I just feel," Sanji said slowly, "that it's important to say these things."
Law gave him a confused look.
"I'm just not ready," Sanji added.
"Well," Law muttered, watching dogs bark at each other with greeting, "I'll be sure to let your admirers know."
With the way he said it and the way he wore a puzzled frown throughout the conversation, Sanji thought he'd possibly imagined things; confused friendship with something more than that. He wore a sort of troubled expression as he clutched his cup.
Was I that obvious? Law thought to himself, playing with his straw. He acknowledged that this conversation had nothing to do with his disorder; Marco had told him that any perception Law thought he had that coincided with it was just paranoia stemming from his own mind.
Of course Sanji wouldn't have any interest in him because of his disorder – it was most likely his personality and for the fact that his walls were up higher than the president's ambitions.
But he couldn't help but think that if he wasn't so underweight and malnourished, Sanji would notice him differently.
"Did your parents love each other?" he heard Sanji ask.
Law furrowed his forehead, glancing at him. But when he thought of his parents, he ended up nodding. "I'm sure they had sex when they thought my sister and I were asleep."
Sanji looked at him with disgust. Law shrugged in response, sipping at his drink.
"I mean, if they didn't, then they wouldn't, right?"
"You are a cockblock of your own making, I swear."
"I don't want to talk about my parents."
"I just want to know if you had a good example – or if you were scarred by a bad parental type of love. Which is why you avoid it."
"I bet your favorite holiday is Valentine's Day, isn't it?"
Sanji frowned. "No, actually."
"Mine's Halloween. It brings me joy seeing the tears of kids crying because of a stupid rubber mask," Law said thoughtfully, gazing off into the distance. Sanji frowned harder. "My second holiday is Daylight Savings time in fall. That extra hour really makes all the difference."
"That's not a holiday."
"It should be." After a few moments, Law said, "You shouldn't be scared to take another chance, Sanji. Most are grateful that they can get one. At least…that's what the ones on my table say."
"You literally fix hearts, you're a heart surgeon."
"Aren't I good one, though?"
Sanji felt his breath catch in his throat. Maybe it wasn't meant for the way he took it, but damn it if those words didn't impact him in such a strong way. He ended up looking away just to put himself back in order.
"Yes," he murmured, eyes locking on a puppy that eager pulled his owner after him towards the park.
Are we talking about two different things? Law wondered, a little terrified at the sudden quiet between them.
"What made your relationship worth thirteen years?" he asked curiously.
Sanji's fingers twitched around his cup. But because they were on the subject anyway, considering that the relationship was dead, considering there was nothing to save…he decided it was something he could talk about.
"It was…me using him to…get away, I guess," he mumbled.
"I mean, eventually, that was part of it. But in the beginning?"
Sanji thought about it. It still hurt when he did. He still found himself wondering when it had all gone wrong – asides the affairs he'd had, that is. "It was exciting. It was…something I could count on that made me happy. I felt good when his happiness was evident."
Law could see Sanji catering to the green haired man on hand and foot. He understood that Sanji put others first, based off the things he said and did. He knew because he had to put a stop to those things happening to him.
"It served a specific purpose, right? Humans need a purpose from each other. Most of them, anyway."
"Not lizard people…"
"Even I need people," Law admitted slowly, shifting about on the bench. "I value my friends. I value their company, and I can count on them being there when I text them. Without them I'd…I'm sure it'd be different. People need people.
"At the hospital, I see it more – people clinging to each other, afraid to lose someone. Years upon years of familiarity and comfort, attachment leading to families – it's natural to want to be with someone. I'm sure they all experienced loss of some kind but most took the chance to seize an opportunity that they couldn't help but take."
Sanji imagined that Law had seen this. But for him to think positively on a subject he himself avoided – who was he really speaking for?
He scratched his ear.
"You're an unexpectedly positive person," he said.
"To be honest, Sanji, everyone on television is positive, and look how well it works for them," Law said, causing Sanji's face to drop with irritation. "But you have to ask yourself – is this what the writers intended, based on audience preference? Or is it the writers themselves, writing from experience? Either way, everyone believes in second chances."
"I just…feel…you need to get out more and experience this shit on your own."
Law made a face. "Actual interaction with people?"
Sanji bit his lips to prevent a smile from forming because he did not want to encourage the other man's reasoning. Law looked dead set on believing himself, so Sanji did not want to fan those flames.
"I think it's best not to rush," he said. "Making any rash decisions when it's still difficult to look at myself in the mirror and see the things I did – "
"I kind of understand why you did it."
"That sort of thing should not be excused in any way, because I should have done it differently. I still should not have set out and hid the fact that I cheated, multiple times, on a man I'd promised values to."
"Well, there's that, but if words had fallen on deaf ears in the first place, then how were you supposed to fix it?"
"Counseling."
"And if he didn't agree to that?"
Sanji exhaled. He reflected on the way he would have 'changed' for Zoro by accepting a loveless marriage for however long it took. In the end of that matter, would either of them have changed a thing? Or would he still have stepped out with the first person that showed him positive affection?
"I'm afraid I'll do this to another person," he said carefully. "At this point, when I'd take anything because I feel…starved…it'd be another rushed mistake. I feel like I wouldn't recover. So it's important that I…learn to like myself again. Because right now I don't. I don't think I'm worth it. And I'd be taking advantage of someone else's kindness to waste their time."
Law's mouth twitched with a frown. How similar that sounded to his problem…he could identify with that. What happened when he finally reached a point where he was okay with looking at himself in the mirror, knowing that the reflection looking back was someone another person could love as well?
But at the same time he recognized that this Sanji, compared to the one that came roaring into his apartment months ago, was a defeated and insecure man. He understood Sanji's side of it because it was near similar to his position – he heard the man's fear, insecurity and pain because it was similar to his own voice. He had to wonder what it was that pulled them together – was it Sanji's mysterious Higher Power? Or just coincidence?
Which snapped a suggestion to the front of his mind.
"Let's go home to watch a scary movie," he said, Sanji looking at him with a puzzled face.
"But do you know what I'm saying?" Sanji asked gently.
Law continued to play dumb because he recognized that the fragile rope they were both clinging to at the crevice's edge was snapping slowly. Too much weight would overwhelm them both. To acknowledge that Sanji was softly rejecting his feelings before Law could even express them would push either of them into the darkness.
He gave a slight nod, looking at him grimly. "Yes. You must've read my texts to Penguin the other night, regarding the nurse that was looking for a companion for the symphony this weekend. I'll tell him you're not interested."
Sanji scowled at him, but Law was off the bench before he could say anything else.
"Before you violate my messages to Shachi, please understand that we're men that's comfortable with body emissions as a joke," Law then warned Sanji, who followed after him with his cup in hand. "I still find it funny when someone farts in public."
"Ugh, you're so childish."
"Considering our high vegetable consumption, it's no joke."
Sanji looked relieved in a way that the looming thing between them wasn't being addressed out rightly – but still a little troubled. Considering the weight of his frown, Law supposed that Sanji wasn't brave enough to be direct about it; he was still considering Law's feelings and reactions over his own.
Law wished Sanji were a little more bold.
: :
They ended up watching "Signs". The subject of coincidences and things falling into place, no matter how unfair, made the atmosphere suddenly tense. Sanji ended up going to his room early after that, and Law wondered what was going through his head to feel so stressed about it.
He understood that Sanji couldn't have feelings for him at this point in time, but Law was used to being selfish. He wanted to keep the support the man gave him; he wanted his companionship; he wanted to say that he enjoyed spending their outings out together, doing simple things and taking spontaneous trips that neither of them could see themselves doing on their own. He liked their conversations, and he liked laughing with him.
But Law had to ask himself – was he truly attracted, or just clinging to the friendship because it worked?
He knew that saying anything before he was confident of himself was only going to cause uncomfortable trouble.
He supposed he had to sort this out with himself.
So the next day, he wrote down a list and checked off the things that he found relevant. Once he realized that physical attraction was needed for a deciding factor, he realized he had to pay attention to that. Sanji left for work, already smoking a cigarette – he hoped Bege didn't catch him doing so – and Law wrote another list while standing at the kitchen counter.
He spoke aloud to Bepo as he did so.
"I like his smile," he said, the lizard blinking slowly as he tilted his head up. "It automatically makes me smile. That's important, isn't it?"
He wrote that down on his list.
"When he dresses up, he looks quite dashing. Like a man put together."
He wrote that.
"When he doesn't stink like he ran a marathon through the grime of the Thames River, it's actually nice."
Bepo placed his left arm over the list, the sound of his skin rasping against the paper startling in the quiet left behind. The television was off – there were day time shows Law liked to catch, but he had a list to complete.
Law then made a couple of checks off his next item. "I like his cooking."
Bepo coughed.
Law frowned at him as he crossed that item off. "You're right, that's not a physical thing."
The gecko seemed to frown back, claws clinging to the paper.
"We get along very well," Law decided, writing that, then crossing it out. He reviewed the list. "Most of this is emotional clinginess. I've grown dependent on someone I can count on."
He lowered the paper with horror as Bepo slithered off, taking advantage of his concentration to explore the nearby fruit bowl.
"What if this is the exact same things his ex-husband had thought?" he wondered aloud. He crumbled the paper up, then shredded it into tiny pieces as he concentrated on the subject. He understood that because he hadn't a relationship where he felt this way about any of them – all his roommates with their odd quirks and his overly concerned friends – so he might be mixing up his feelings with that of unaccustomed affection.
So he ended up watching shows where bromances were the mantle – at the end of the day, he realized that he didn't share that type of affection for his roommate. It was a confusing sort where he realized he couldn't step back and just drop it. So he ended up subtly looking at his roommate when Sanji returned home from work. Back in high school, when his disorder wasn't as overwhelming as it was now, Law did recognize that he had his share of "guy crushes". He'd admired the smart math whiz in his algebra class, the senior basketball center, the quiet emo-dude in the corner that always showed up in black. He had the same amount of feeling he had towards girls, so he lightly assumed that he was capable of having same sex feelings.
Throughout his life, he'd admired other fellow doctors, blushed in the presence of an attractive pediatrician and admired the veiny forearms of a male nurse so he was quite sure that this was not a platonic like.
He liked Sanji's hands – they were crafted with gifted fingers that were lightly scarred with burn marks, white stripes of old cuts and what looked like tobacco stains. He liked the deep set of his eyes, the pink of his lips, and the swash of messy blond hair that desperately needed a scissor's attention. He liked the way Sanji used his feet to open and close things when his hands were full – he fit his pants and jeans nicely. And the furred lower legs that glittered with blondish-brown hair often had Law wondering how it would feel to run his own fingers over it.
He understood that Sanji wasn't ready for a relationship, but Law felt that what they had was precious. All the shows he watched showed him confident, secure people doing what they could to get their love interest's attention and having it returned, without any doubt in waiting because waiting wasn't entertaining.
Not that he should think of this as 'entertainment', but he'd used television to avoid the real world because he was occupied with his disorder. That had come first. But now that he was getting a handle on it, slowly recovering, shouldn't it be okay to start looking at other things?
During his session with Marco a day later, Marco brought up the subject of dating after Law spoke of old relationships with people throughout his lifetime.
"Does the idea intimidate you in any manner?"
"I haven't any interest," Law said slowly. "Because I couldn't bear the thought of hearing them nag at me."
"But eventually, you'll realize that there's more beyond the company of yourself."
"Are you asking me out? Isn't that a boundary issue?"
"No," Marco denied with a light smile. "I can see the subject is invasive, so you must feel some way about it."
Law considered being truthful with his answer, then said heavily, "I do have interest. But…I also recognize that I'm not ready. In a way, I'm still thinking of myself."
"You can start off slowly. A coffee date, a walk around the park – all things now aren't total commitments," Marco said with a frown. "It doesn't mean throwing yourself at the first person that shows interest, but I think as a way to build up your confidence into an eventual goal, this would be a way about it."
"I don't understand the correlation."
"Taking small risks outside the wall you've created for yourself will allow you to see what else is out there in the world. You spend most of your time relying on television to live, and living by the voices of your disorder – what would it feel like to actually live life without those voices?"
"You sound like my roommate."
"Why don't both of you try it out? It might be good to have some support."
"He's not ready to date. We actually had this conversation very recently."
Marco shifted in his seat. "I'm sure he'd be very supportive of your efforts."
"He was trying to cast me off."
Marco studied him for a few moments, then said, "How did the subject of dating come up?"
"We were watching Law & Order with a dating situation, so I assumed that's what prompted the conversation."
"Do you both feel comfortable talking about those types of subjects? Directly addressing your separate experiences?"
"Well…it's been an eventual thing. Both of us are focused on ourselves, so…I only know what he tells me, and vice versa. I think…perhaps he just wanted to be clear where he was in his path."
"Pretty random if the subject hadn't been brought up ultimately."
"Yeah…I guess it was. He has a lot on his mind. I don't know what to tell him, so we end up watching things that are relevant to his situation. I guess it's my way of assuring him that he isn't alone in the matter."
"What's wrong with telling him that directly, from yourself? Relying on your shows isn't that…"
"I'd feel awkward saying something personally."
"Let's give it a try," Marco suggested. "The next time you feel a show should speak for you, perhaps telling Sanji these things with your own voice and opinion would be a step into the right direction."
Law gave him a puzzled look. "In what direction am I planning on venturing into?"
Marco just gave him a smile. "Let's build that confidence and experience level you're already exploring."
At first, Law was panicked because he thought he'd revealed a secret part of himself to the therapist, but he told himself that was his old paranoia speaking for him. One of those annoying little voices that had controlled him for far too long. But he talked himself out of that because he was working away from being that person controlled by his disorder.
He just assumed Marco wanted him to try living out his own experiences by taking tentative steps in building a stronger relationship with his supportive roommate. So he took the challenge.
That weekend, they ended up getting haircuts at a nearby barbershop that Law was already familiar with. Then they set out in search of an international food store, working off a meal list that Belladonna had assigned Law earlier that week. Sanji was interested in the dishes so he tagged along without any other hesitation. The store was a wide building with an open market, and while Law made a face at the many different smells that seemed to hit him at once, Sanji looked nostalgic.
"I used to come here a lot," he confessed quietly, while they stood near the open marketplace. "I was always afraid that I'd run into…him, here, but that's a stupid idea. He never did the shopping."
Law glanced at him, hands fisted in his sweater pockets. Both of them were dressed for the warm weather, but he felt more comfortable in a pair of slacks he'd never been able to fit into before, his hat, and a sweater shirt that was still too baggy on him. But his belt was notched looser, and he felt like he had more energy than he did in years. His appearance wasn't quite striking, but he noticed that people would only glance at him without adding hurtful comments.
He held his head a little higher because of this.
Sanji was still tense, Law noticed, as his paper list was crumbled in one of the cook's hands before he hastily loosened it. Then he actually drew out a small bottle of alcohol from his shorts pocket; uncapping and swigging it empty before tossing it into a nearby trashcan, much to the disapproval of others that had noticed him doing it. Though he had his hair trimmed, the layered mass hung past his ears and grazed his jawline in a fashionable mess. He had that exotic look of a foreigner amongst men with plainer appearances that earned him skeptical looks from other males and appreciation from women. Law thought Sanji was just exotic.
It was almost exciting to feel this way after feeling like he was dead for most of his life. New feelings were exciting. Because of this, the situation made Law feel tense. He felt like he was looking at Sanji too much so he focused hard on other things around him, giving off the appearance that he was extra-cranky.
"Is this a good step?" Law asked cautiously.
Sanji bit his lower lip, then silently counted off on his free hand. Law assumed he was counting off the months that had passed in the wake of his divorce. He ended up nodding, reaching up to push strands of hair behind one ear. They promptly escaped. "Yeah. Yeah…it's a good step. I'm here, aren't I?"
"I wouldn't know where to start in here, so I'm glad you're here," Law said. "Thank you."
Sanji glanced at him, looking pained. He couldn't help but wonder why Zoro couldn't be this appreciative. It made him feel confused and intimidated because these small things Law said and did were things Sanji had wanted. He kept telling himself that this man did these things because he somehow acquired manners required of human beings and Zoro lacked them because he was a selfish breed of his own. But in that anger was a hopeless sense of regret for still comparing Zoro to others around him, long after the divorce. When was he going to stop thinking of that man?
When was he going to stop confusing himself with Law's actions towards him? He was pretty sure Law was just being nice – not flirting or interested in him in anyway. How could he be, after seeing what a mess Sanji had been these past few months? There was nothing attractive about that. He had to tell himself his loneliness and pain was making him feel these things from someone that wasn't aware he was making Sanji feel this way.
Sanji didn't know how to address it without possibly making a fool of himself for making anymore assumptions. He had to concentrate hard on this task.
"I'll carry the basket and guide you – it's up to you to pick these things out," Sanji then said, with much trouble. "Then maybe we can make these things together. I won't do it, I'll just…keep you company."
"I like it when you cook," Law grumbled, pouting slightly as he took the list from him. "My stuff comes out tasting like shit. Smelling like it, too. When are you going to stop this ridiculous strike of yours? You're killing us both, you know. I hope you feel guilty in Hell when we die."
"You're so dramatic!"
"Considering that Bepo is carnivorous, he could feed off both our carcasses for some weeks before being discovered. He'd be iguana sized by then," Law said, looking excited at the concept. "A majestic beast."
Sanji shook his head, unable to picture that of a hand sized gecko. He ended up relaxing a little – whether it was because of the alcohol or the conversation with someone that was comfortable in his imaginative world, he felt his shoulders loosen. As he usually did, he walked outside so that Law couldn't be bumped by other aggressive shoppers.
The man's appearance was slowly starting to change – little things here and there that weren't so obvious, but Sanji still felt like he should do these things because Law was still quite bony. Maybe he wasn't as fragile as he looked, but anyone would think that the smallest bump or fall could possibly hurt him.
It was so different with Zoro; Zoro was like a rhinoceros of a man, thick with muscle and strength that people usually hurried out of his way if he were walking towards them. Sanji struggled not to think of him, but it filled his heart with anxiety possibly seeing him again.
Halfway through obtaining the list's items, both of them were lingering near the fresh meat counter when Sanji felt like they were being watched. He glanced about from the corner of his eyes to see who was giving them this attention, and felt a ripple of awareness pimple his skin. It couldn't be. Zoro never shopped at places like these – he was always good with a regular chain and if he couldn't find what Sanji had requested of him he'd make do with some poor substitute.
But considering that he couldn't spot the man amongst the shoppers, he had to assume that Zoro was only present inside the store. Sanji couldn't imagine Zoro hiding like Sanji did; that man liked confrontations of any type. Unless he was still angry, and avoiding Sanji for that very reason.
Sanji did not want to see him. It still hurt. He didn't want Zoro to see that he was still doing badly, but he didn't want him seeing that Sanji was succeeding, either. If it looked as if he was doing well, then Zoro would never believe that Sanji felt the way he did. These things – he didn't understand why it mattered, and he couldn't sort them out properly.
He ended up snatching Law's arm as the man examined something in his hands, pulling him along with him.
"We're done here," Sanji said with explanation, herding Law towards the registers.
"Did you run into someone you know?" Law asked, holding tightly onto the jar with both hands while looking surprised.
"Hopefully not," Sanji muttered, snatching the jar from Law and going ahead to the self-checkout line. "I'm sorry, I don't think I can come here, anymore. At least, not for now."
"Why are you apologizing?" Law asked curiously, following along at a slower pace. "Eventually, it's a good idea to stand back and face the discomfort."
Sanji paused as he unloaded the items onto the conveyor belt, looking at him. "I don't want to."
Law focused on the different brands of gum and vegan snacks on the racks nearby. "But you're not alone in this, right?"
Sanji glanced at Law with a troubled expression. "I'm not, but…I just…don't want the wrong idea had."
Law gave an impatient snuff. "But who cares what others think? Why are you still trying to preserve an appearance after all this time?"
Sanji gave a pained look at the items that left him to settle near the register. What was wrong with showing a little weakness at this point? It wasn't that Zoro would care; it wouldn't change anything. Zoro was still angry at him, and Sanji deserved that. The cook ended up exhaling heavily, supporting himself against the conveyor with slightly shaking hands.
"You're right," he decided, snatching up the basket he'd sat down. He threw in all the things he'd unloaded, causing a couple of waiting customers some impatience. "Things have changed. I can't keep hiding away forever. What's done is done."
Law picked out the jar he'd been examining, handling it carefully within both hands as they skirted away from the register to allow other customers their turn. Sanji looked quite nervous as he carried the basket, jaw held tight.
"Besides, you're doing much better than before," Law added quietly.
Pausing aside the bread aisle, Sanji thought about it for a few moments, then looked up at him with what could be described as a rather insecure expression. It made Law want to pat the top of his head like he would have with Brook.
"But it's still going to hurt when I see him."
"But what would you miss about it if you feel the way you do, now? Do you aspire to return to the relationship strictly because you miss the company? It was because you were miserable that you left it with your actions."
Sanji sighed heavily. He wanted to argue about it, the spontaneous bubble lifting up with some strength to a throat tight with anxiety. But Law's words made sense. Why wasn't he capable of thinking these things on his own? Why was he still making such a big deal of this months later? What kind of a man had he become?
"I just feel bad for the way it went," Sanji mumbled, looking at his shoes. "Like…guilty and ashamed. I think I'll always feel that way."
"But it's over, now, so…like…it's time to move on."
Sanji looked at him sharply. "Did you do that vocal fry on purpose?"
Law bit his lips, unaware that he had.
"Are you quoting me a show?" Sanji asked, a tinge of outrage in his voice.
Law looked stubborn as he looked away. "I…think it…pertains to the situation…"
Aware that the man was awkward in his own standing when it came to relationships with others, Sanji couldn't be outraged that he'd used a television show to spit some helpful advice. It made more sense that he'd apply some written fantasy to something like this. It made Sanji feel better because at least Law was trying.
"You're such a dork," Sanji ended up chuckling. "I'll give you a 'C' for effort. But please don't do that again – I had the urge to help you cough that thing out with the heel of my foot."
Law then spoke seriously. "But I think it's time to stop hiding yourself away. You've picked yourself up, so it's not right if you're attacked again for something that was settled. You've acknowledged that you've done wrong. Anymore running is just…giving them more power over you. You have a right to continue living, too."
Sanji frowned up at him. But he ended up dropping his eyes to Law's face and neck. His jaw line wasn't so pronounced – his tendons weren't so prominent and his Adam's apple wasn't so jutting. He'd put so much effort into his recovery that Sanji could see it for himself. There were times when Law still struggled to eat, but at least he was fighting. Sanji had to use him as an example of strength after being knocked down.
If he can do this, I can, too, Sanji thought to himself.
Law then made a face, as if he were regretting what he said so Sanji looked at him suspiciously. "Then again, Heidi and Spencer went on to have a very successful relationship that flourished away from the limelight…"
"Who?"
Law fiddled with the jar of pig's feet while Sanji glared up at him. Eventually his face reddened and he looked sheepish. "About ninety percent of what I just said was of my own perception, and the other ten percent was from a show I'd binged watched while you were at work because I thought it was important to the situation now."
"You're comparing my situation to some high school drama that I caught you watching yesterday?"
"It's…the only thing I can actually relate the situation to, considering I don't…know…anyone else in the same predicament…"
"You're so lame!" Sanji exclaimed, but he ended up laughing while Law looked insulted, frowning at the jar in his hands. Sanji snatched that away from him impatiently. "You're not buying this. Stop playing with food."
They headed back to the meat counter. Law didn't know who it was that had made Sanji retreat earlier, and he wondered if he should ask. He noticed that Sanji was still looking around them nervously, tense in the jaw.
"Are we being followed?" Law asked. When he didn't get an answer, he reached out and caught Sanji's arm to capture his nervous attention.
Sanji jerked his arm out of Law's grasp. "I just don't want any trouble coming to you because of…certain suspicions."
"I remember I kicked that one guy into a UFO display," Law said. "I also remembering telling you countless times to stop treating me like a thing that needs taking care of."
Sanji sighed noisily, causing Law to push a hand into his face to make him stop mid-way.
"If anyone has anything to say, let's face it together and let them say it. Maybe you need this."
"To do what? Move on? Move onto what? Making a similar mistake?" Sanji hissed at him, starting to grow tense once more.
Law frowned at him, crossing his arms over his chest. "Or you can just remain in this place for the rest of your life."
Sanji frowned up at him for several moments, then looked uncomfortable. He studied the cut meats behind the counter before mumbling, "It sounds weird to say this…but I don't know if I'm ready to move on."
"You want to cling to this?"
"I feel stuck."
"Then, get unstuck."
Sanji continued frowning, looking from him to the meat before looking at him once more. He held Law's eyes for a few moments – uncomfortable for their individual reasons. Sanji felt like he was being forced to reveal an uncomfortable intimacy with someone he had been denying being seen with; Law felt that maybe he was being too pushy.
Sanji ended up looking away, thinning his lips. Law looked off in the other direction, turning away from him.
"Maybe you're right," Law then muttered uncomfortably. "I have no place to push you, and I apologize."
"Why?" Sanji asked, furrowing his brow. "Don't."
"I just feel like I'm pushing you into doing something you're clearly uncomfortable with. It's not my place to do that."
"But you're my friend," Sanji said quietly. "And I trust you."
So this is the misery one feels when they are placed into the friendzone, Law thought to himself wearing a frozen expression he couldn't control as Sanji looked to his shoes.
"Besides, I think it's apparent he feels the same way I do," Sanji mumbled. "Because I know he's here, but he's not showing his face."
Law looked at him with alarm. One slender hand went to his hat with a protective gesture. "Are you of telepathic abilities?"
"No, idiot. It's just…a feeling."
"It's scary how observant you are," Sanji heard Law mumble, adjusting his hat about. Sanji could picture him wondering how to fit tinfoil inside of there, considering the alien movie they'd watched the other day.
Sanji ordered the meat on the list while Law's attention returned to the display he had been engrossed in earlier. While they waited, Sanji asked, "You want to try that? There's a recipe you can do – "
"The idea is both fascinating and gross."
"You'll have to make it, because I still don't have any heart in it."
Law sighed so hard that his whole body looked as if it'd taken a hit.
It made Sanji think of how much effort he'd put into Zoro's meals. How he waited for a compliment or appreciation with expectant action, but all Zoro had ever said upon prompting was that it was "fine".
'This is fine,' he'd said of their first Thanksgiving meal together.
'This is good,' he'd said tiredly after Sanji wanted to know if his detailed meals were acceptable.
'I'm eating it, I'm not complaining, what are you asking from me?' Zoro had complained, the night Sanji had made an elaborate meal before deciding on taking the affections of a stranger that expressed his liking for Sanji's cooking at the restaurant.
Because he'd lost the feeling of love, cooking wasn't of the same appeal. Sanji couldn't bear to do it – it was near similar to giving his heart, and his heart was still broken and in need of sensitive repair. Law often expressed how much he wanted Sanji to take over the meals; he often showed his appreciation for the ones Sanji used to make. He did his best to finish, and sometimes he couldn't do that, so Sanji adjusted and negotiated. But Law always thanked him.
So Sanji couldn't do it. It was a matter of the heart. He would receive and give the wrong idea towards a man that was only being nice to him, and Sanji knew he was too sensitive and desperate for someone nice. He didn't want to ruin this friendship with his own wrong assumptions.
He wondered if he'd ever love again. The aftermath of it was just so painful.
"I'm sorry," he apologized low, standing close to Law to do so because there were too many people at the counter.
Law stiffened, shoulder raising to avoid Sanji's contact. "If you apologize for something stupid again, I will make sure you'll wake up with Bepo in your bed."
"I just…I know you're uncomfortable with cooking, but these things are good for you to learn. Feeding and nourishing yourself – that's important," Sanji mumbled.
"So is doing something you enjoy," Law pointed out impatiently, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "Unless it's murdering or dismembering people. Small animals. Torturing whales…that sort of thing."
"I'm not ready to. Cook, that is, not…your idea of shit."
"I understand, but…Thanksgiving this year – with the way things are going, I'm building up the nerve to indulge in things I never allowed myself. And I'm hoping you'll find yourself by then," Law said, a little nervously.
Since the holiday was still months away, the fact that he was expressing long-term goals made Sanji feel anxious. Was he still going to feel this miserable? Will the pain lessen? Were they still going to be roommates? Law had an expectation of him – could he allow himself to be relied upon?
Everything about it made him apprehensive. He ended up grabbing one bony elbow for a grip, to keep himself from falling away in that dangerous crevice they were both dangling over.
"Do you have that much confidence in me?" he ended up asking.
Law looked pained because it was obvious Sanji was relying on him for some type of strength. Maybe he asked too much – maybe he was putting too much pressure on him. But at the same time, he was happy to be helpful. Clearly, he could be relied upon. And he definitely felt he could rely on the other man when he needed help.
How was this wrong?
It felt difficult to say anything because he felt like words were awkward, so he ended up just patting the top of Sanji's head for assurance.
Sanji exhaled shakily, grateful for the support. He watched his own fingers give Law's elbow a light squeeze. "Thank you for being my friend," he said with much appreciation.
He had his head down, so he missed the cringe Law made.
Feeling stronger, he straightened away from the man to retrieve their order.
Law ending up needing to use the restroom. He'd just finished drying his hands with paper towels when he became aware of a rather familiar presence coming from just outside the open doorway.
Imagine if he were a Super Saiyan, Law thought to himself, picturing green energy instead of the traditional yellow or blue. He walked out from the restroom and paused near the man leaning against the wall. He was wearing a black hat, but something was different about his appearance – his hair was also dyed black. He was wearing a faded jean jacket with a tank top and shorts – visibly unable to hide that he was a muscular thick man that could intimidate anybody.
Due to his height, Law couldn't really see Zoro's features, but they'd changed since the last time he saw them. He looked a little haggard, with eye bags that matched Sanji's; he had stubble around his jawline. Law caught the scent of alcohol wafting away from him – he held his mouth tightly, like someone had placed some invisible muzzle there. Despite his appearance, Zoro looked as if he were struggling to remain upright as Sanji was doing.
Is this truly what love does? he thought vaguely. Tears people apart and breaks them down until they can't stand anymore?
It made him feel hesitant because he himself was struggling to get back to his feet because of his disorder. But at the same time, he recognized that his disorder had happened because he lost his family – and he'd loved them.
"You look like shit, just like he did," Law said skeptically, unable to decide if this was a fitting color.
Zoro glared at him, so Law ended up looking around his feet to discourage Zoro's thinking in that he was some sort of threat. But there was another part of him that felt bewildered by this constant attack.
"He finally started taking showers and did something about that face of his, so…I just thought…if it makes you feel any better – "
"I don't care about what he does."
"I haven't seen Brook in a very long time," Law then added after Zoro snapped at him. "Is it possible there's a chance I could perhaps walk him, or something?"
"I just want the truth," Zoro interrupted him, causing Law's hands to fiddle together with nervousness. Compared to him, Law was fully aware that he was just a toothpick of a man who would most likely die on impact if Zoro chose to Kamehameha him into the nearby wall. He struggled not to show these thoughts on his face as Zoro glared up at him. "Were you one of the guys he was messing with?"
"No."
Zoro's face told him that he didn't believe him. He still looked as angry as he did that time at the UFO exhibit. He scratched at his nose. "Every time I run into you two, it's obvious that there's some kind of energy there. I just want the fucking truth. I just want him to tell me the fucking truth."
Law knew that any answer he could give would be one that Zoro wouldn't believe. So he said, "What would happen if I changed my answer?"
Zoro glared at him, searching for the answer he seemed so desperate to find. "Thirteen years together was a very long time. Wrecking someone's home…is a low blow."
Law considered these words. It appeared that with the time that passed, Zoro had stopped thinking so much of the crime committed and started thinking of what he lost. Law honestly felt a little threatened. It was hard to not think of Sanji's reaction to the possibility that Zoro would work to fix their relationship. He almost felt slapped.
"I only met him after," he ended up saying, his voice faltering slightly.
Zoro ended up frowning, reaching up to ruffle his dyed hair. There were tinges of green at the roots.
"If you want to talk to him yourself, maybe it's best you both get it over with," Law said, gesturing towards the busy section of the store.
"I don't want to talk to him," Zoro muttered stubbornly. "I saw what I needed to."
Law considered what happened between himself and Sanji. It wasn't much – it wasn't all obvious. Neither of them acted suspiciously. But maybe his feelings were on display. Maybe it was more obvious to the outside that Sanji relied on him for support. All these things that Zoro could have seen, and every bit of it continued to give the man every reason to question them.
Zoro crossed his arms over his chest tightly, glaring off into the distance. Law eased away from the wall he'd been backed into, reminded of how he wanted to stay out of confrontations. Zoro then suddenly walked into the restroom without saying anything. A second later, Sanji appeared around the corner of the hallway, looking at Law with a puzzled expression.
"What are you doing?"
Law understood why Zoro took the chance to disappear. But he was caught in the middle, and that was an uncomfortable feeling. He could lie and say "nothing" to pretend he wasn't in some odd confrontation with Sanji's ex, or he could just call Zoro out on it, and they could both have it out.
He glanced at the restroom – Law didn't want to lie, nor did he feel he should have to feel he had something to hide. Before he could say anything at all, Zoro revealed himself and Sanji stiffened at the sight of him. Law felt the tension rise with all the unbearable heat of standing too close to a volcano.
Both of them glared at each other, the energy so thick and sharp that Law cringed and looked around nervously. Law expected Zoro to say something to Sanji that was similar to what he was asking him, but Zoro said nothing. Sanji glared right back, neither of them backing down from the other. Law noticed with some interest that both of them did not show the previous vulnerabilities that both of them had shown earlier; they had steely expressions and equally rigid postures.
Law took an uncomfortable breath because he thought one of them would strike out at each other. He would break a leg if he attempted to kick that man.
Astonishingly, Zoro stepped down first. It was unexpected because Sanji's expression was unmistakable. It looked like a struggle for him to speak, because Zoro's face twisted with effort, and he lost that tension that made it seem like he was going to strangle a man with his bare hands.
"I need that recipe you use to make Robin's birthday dinner with," he said gruffly, Sanji looking shocked. "I don't have it because I threw away all your cookbooks."
Law found himself holding his breath because this sounded very much like a verbal white flag. But he recognized the edges of panic because he was sure Sanji would find some hope in his return to the man.
It took a few seconds for Sanji to find his voice. "I can mail it to you."
Zoro looked at him sharply. "Just text it to me."
"I don't have a phone."
"Why don't you have a phone?"
"I don't need one."
"So if anyone wants to get a hold of you, you won't let them."
"I don't need to talk to anyone. All I have is my roommate and my boss."
Zoro said something that was too low for Law to hear but Sanji's face twisted with some feeling that Law couldn't identify.
"I'm fine," he replied in a voice that clearly struggled to stay steady.
After studying the cook's expression, his own seemed to soften just a smidge. Zoro then walked away. Law watched Sanji the entire time, feeling uncertainty creep through him. Sanji looked like he was struggling to stay composed. When he looked at Law, he gave a somewhat cheery smile.
"He asked if I were okay," he said as if Law had asked. Maybe Law was wearing the question on his face – he wasn't sure.
But he nodded to acknowledge this.
Sanji looked rather cheered. "It's his way of an apology. It's a good sign."
Law wasn't sure what sort of face to make.
"Good for you," he said in response.
"Maybe things can change between us. Maybe it can be fixed," Sanji said, the hope in his tone evident.
Law told himself to be happy for him. This is what Sanji wanted. This was what he'd been looking for. But Law didn't feel it. He just felt numb – like the door he was waiting for to open had just suddenly locked under his hand. But he nodded again, and felt the corners of his mouth twitch with some movement.
"I'm happy for you," he said.
"I should go get another phone," Sanji then said, gesturing at him to follow. "I'll text him. Maybe we can start talking again."
"That's so great," Law said flatly. He could imagine hearing Dashboard Confessional in the background. All that was missing was a visual spread of the beach.