Disclaimers:I do not own TMoSH; Tanigawa-sensei does. I've said this a lot earlier, haven't I?
Warnings:BL, profanities, cursing…what else? Ah! Self-mutilation and etc.
Koizumi, waah! I'm making him suffer once more. Next time I'll make it Kyon, with Koizumi coming to his aid. Ah, so romantic! Oh, there's no BL in here; actually there were "normal" het scenes.
This simple wish, this fearful wish…
The snow kept falling down from the dark sky here in—
It was the day before Christmas; I went out to buy myself a fruit wine and cake. I will still celebrate Christmas after all these times. While walking the way home I was fascinated by the inviting gift stores on both sides of the street that were still open for the last-minute shoppers this day. After a few more steps I stopped in front of a gorgeous gift shop that has lights blinking on the glass window. Taking a quick look at my remaining money left, I saw that I still have enough money to buy gifts for my friends. Only taking ten minutes to pick out four presents, I paid for them and went straight home.
I've lived alone ever since that fateful day. It has been half a year already. My new home is an apartment unit, where the other tenants are small families and old couples, with some single renters like me. The buildings are close to each other, that if you look outside your window you'll be able to see inside another tenant's unit. That's how close each building was. Slowly walking the cold, winding path, I took in all of the beautiful blinking lights at the houses, with all the families eating their cakes and fried chickens beside a Christmas tree. They all seemed so happy whenever it's Christmas. No, they are happy not just because it's Christmas. Also, I know that my friendsare happy. I am—
All alone I walked the snaky path to the apartment. It was chilly, and the snow had started falling once again as I walk. Whenever the wind blows it carries snow with it. So whenever it does, I had to hug my jacket closer to my body.
Going further north I eventually reached the apartment, with my body constantly shaking from the cold. As I walk the creaky stairs up I fumbled for my keys inside my jacket's pocket. Eventually I got hold of the set of keys. But before I can even put the key on the knob the old lady next door went out carrying a package. When she saw me, she smiled and gave me the package. Talkaboutgreattiming. I can do nothing but to accept. Saying goodnight, she went back to her unit. Quickly I inserted the key into the hole, and turned the knob. Upon opening the door I was greeted by—
Darkness enveloped my thoughts about the brigade days. I was certainly happy at those times, but it has long passed since then. Back then I was still the all-smiling esper who always complied with every wish of Suzumiya Haruhi. I always obeyed, and never complained. I was the perfect vice-brigade chief. And I never wished for anything yet; I had a part time job (as an esper), a good school standing (not to mention popular on the school body, especially on the girls), not to mention that I am the only one with a clean reputation on the brigade (I came to North High after Suzumiya-san forced Asahina-san in a bunny suit and gave fliers by the school gate in that outfit, and also after Suzumiya-san harassed and blackmailed the Computer Club president into giving their newest computer to the brigade), and my everyday needs are given to me as frequently as I need them. But there was only one thing I desired, and eventually I got it, although it was short-lived. All was because of—
Suzumiya-san is considered by the Agency/Organization as a god, due to her unnatural powers and the ability to create Closed Spaces and Shinjins. She is not just an ordinary human god, but an all-powerful and unconsciously a god. Together with us in the brigade are the time traveler Asahina-san, the alien Nagato-san, and lastly, the only human Kyon. And Kyon was once my—
Lover; I had a lover back in my brigade days. And I had lost that lover to Suzumiya-san.
Rummaging my kitchen cabinet for almost twenty minutes until I got hold of my one and only kitchen knife, I was practically sweating as I sat down in front of the kotatsu.
Looking at my watch I saw that it was only a few minutes before Christmas. Slowly waiting for Christmas to come, I counted the ticking of the clock and paced it along my breathing.
Just ten more seconds to go.
Instinctively I bated my breath, as if waiting for end to come.
Five seconds…
I looked more closely at the watch's fingers
Four seconds…
As
Three.
Time
Two.
Ticked
One.
Away.
Smiling, I turned to the framed photo by the cabinet on the wall.
"Happy Christmas to you all. And also, to me…"
Warm, yet sad, tears flowed from eyes. Attentively I tried to wipe it away with my hands, yet it seemed that my tears wouldn't be stopped.
"C-Crap, it won't stop?"
My trembling hands rested once again on the knife that was now pushed deep unto the cake in front of me. The strawberry shortcake looked more or less destroyed, yet still uneaten. The fruit cake the elderly couple had given me earlier is left atop the kitchen counter. Everyone else, aside from me, is happy.
Only I am left sad and alone.
Yet there is someone I could call to ease this loneliness. Evenforjustashortwhile,evenjusthisvoice,Iwouldwanttotalktohimagain.
Without thinking, I was already by the phone, fumbling for the numbers quickly like a robot. Putting the receiver at my ear, I waited for the call to be answered. Onering.Tworings.Threerings.
Click.
"Hello?"
Breath bated, I waited for his voice to come. Would he recognize my voice? What would I do if he does? Should I answer him if he asks where I am?
…But it was not him that answered.
"Hello? This is Kyon's phone, but he's on the bath right now. Suzumiya Haruhi speaking. Who is this?"
"Ko-Koizumi…"
Ah crap. It slipped my tongue. I was supposed to remain in anonymity but…
I should not have called Kyon in the first place.
"Koizumi-kun?"
This is wrong. Kyon wasn't my lover now; he's Suzumiya-san's property. And here I am, being a thorn on their relationship. I'm such a relationship-wrecker. But I didn't mean to do it. I still love Kyon. There's no way I could not phone him on such an important day. But why does Suzumiya-san the one to answer? Kyon should have his phone with him. What are they doing? I trust that such a quiet place could never be the living room, not with a sister that Kyon has.
…Should I trust my thoughts? That just now, before I called Kyon, they're having sex?
Images of the two wrapped around each other made me tremble in jealousy and anger. Kyon should never do it with anybody else aside from me. I am the only one he can penetrate! But then, I wasn't his lover anymore, since the day I disappeared on them. Suzumiya-san was his girlfriend right now. They're a couple straight out of a love story. I am nothing but a fool; I can only wait in earnest while he go and do Suzumiya-san. I wasn't even his paramour. I was simply his ex-lover.
And an ex-lover I will stay.
"Suzumiya-san? How are you?"
I want to die now, if you don't mind hearing my death throes.
"Koizumi-kun! Where are you? Why have you disappeared? Don't you know how worried we have been?"
Tears threatened to fall from my eyes again. I do not want to think that Kyon and Suzumiya-san had engaged in a premarital sex already, and even though I want the darn memory erased from my mind, I cannot simply destroy the images of them together. Just like on that night, hugging each other tightly, kiss deepening with every second and with every breath.
I cannot take it anymore.
"Yes, yes, I 'm sorry for disappearing like that. I have got you worried, right? I'm sorry. Wait, I'll punish myself for that."
Without waiting for a reaction, I smashed my head on the concrete wall near the phone for many times until I felt blood ooze down my face and my eyes get blurry.
"I-I'm back Suzumiya-san. Oh, I have not yet punished myself for disappearing, right? Wait, I'll get my knife…"
The knife is full of icing. But I need it, so I licked it clean before I slashed my wrists, making sure Suzumiya-san was hearing every slice I did. Suzumiya-san wasn't talking, so I guess she had already fallen asleep. After a while, I stopped my wrist-slashing and turned back to the phone.
"Suzumiya-san, are you asleep already? I'll cut the call if you are—"
"Haha, Koizumi-kun; very funny indeed." Her voice was coated in pure sarcasm, like she does not really believe that I can do such a thing to myself. "Don't joke around in the middle of the night. Your neighbors would get angry too if you suddenly bang something on your walls."
"That something is my head, Suzumiya-san. I think they wouldn't mind though."
"Koizumi-kun, it's better to stop joking around. You wouldn't hurt yourself, right? The Koizumi-kun I know doesn't hurt himself."
"But Suzumiya-san, that Koizumi-kun is already dead. He died the day he saw Suzumiya-san and Kyon kiss by the bridge near his old home. He drowned himself on the water, and disappeared forever."
"…Y-You saw?"
"Well, yes."
"A-Ah, I'm so-sorry…"
"Don't be, Suzumiya-san, I'm just interrupting. I've ruined everything by telling you this. I hope you have not been disturbed much. I don't plan on disturbing you. If I do, then please accept my punishment."
I started hitting myself with everything that came into reach; books, pans, cups, everything. The things made of glass shattered unto my skin, some left sticking on my skin and some fell onto the wooded floor with a crash. I was left groaning and crying, the tears left with no choice but to fall from my tired eyes.
"Suzumiya-san, you can cut the call if you want. Or, I could cut the call if I want. But, will you let me? My decisions had all been up to you until now. Why not order me some more? Oh, not about this death of mine. You're too late for that."
Suzumiya-san still hasn't cut the call as I continue hearing her shouting words that I chose not to distinguish at that time. Then I heard loud steps outside my unit, before all my neighbors were knocking on my door.
"Izumi-kun? What are you doing? It's the middle of the night! Open the door!"
Teary-eyed I turned to the direction of my door, my hopes falling at the same time. The neighbors had been so nice to me, yet I am disturbing them too. Then from the window in front of mine a neighbor looked to see what was happening to me. As I turned and smiled at her with all the blood in my face and hands, she screamed and started to call for help. But before she could take another look at me I closed my window.
"…Now no one can disturb me."
Then I heard a scream over the phone. I almost forgot; Suzumiya-san was still on the other line.
"What is it Suzumiya-san? I'm quite busy. Please don't shout just whenever you wanted to."
"Koizumi-kun? What happened! Stop! You don't need to punish yourself! You don't need to hurt yourself!"
ThatwasbecauseIamalreadyhurt.Iwastheonlyonewhogotemotionallyscarred,right? I smiled over the phone as I silently snickered.
"Izumi-kun? What happened? Open the door! Sumida-san had told us what she just saw. If you don't want us to force open your door, then open it right now!"
"Ah, sorry, I don't have any intention of opening my door. Just leave me like this; these are merely scratches. They're not fatal."
"What are you saying? You looked really hurt!" Sumida-san's voice shouted from the other side of the door.
Yes,andyetnooneseemedtotakenoticeofmypain.AllaloneIwalkthepathofpain,withnootherfriendbesidemyself.But I—
I never opened the door; instead I continued slashing my wrists with the kitchen knife I was using earlier for the fruit cake while shouting continuous apologies over the phone and to the people outside my door.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to disturb you. I don't want to disturb anybody so…"
I continued slashing my wrists like crazy, and at times I write words like "Idiot" and "Get a grip" on my wrists. It was beautiful; the blood oozed out freely, while my still trembling hand gripped the knife handle and thrust it deeper unto my skin, until I felt it slightly hit my bone. Suzumiya-san is shouting over the phone. The people outside are shouting outside the locked door. It makes my head throb and spin wildly like a drug.
"I'm punishing myself now, so please don't hate me, for disturbing all of you…"
The sounds seemed to move far away now; the images seemed to sway in front of me. The call is still connected, and if I don't disconnect it now, my location can be traced. Slowly I walked with small, staggering steps towards the telephone plug, before I heard a voice that made my hairs stand on the end and stop my movements.
"…Koizumi! Where are you!"
Kyon? Don'tyouknowhowmuchImisshearingyougettingworriedatme?But I didn't answer his question. I did not even acknowledge his presence over the phone. It's just Suzumiya-san, and no one else.
The tears fell from my surprised eyes.
"I want to talk to Suzumiya-san! She's the one I'm talking to! There had been no guy's voice just now! There's none!"
Denial shot through my head with a searing touch. Yes,theoneyou'retalkingwithoverthephoneisonlySuzumiya-san.Nooneelse.
Scratching myself and pulling hardly at my hair I continued denying that it was Kyon. Accepting his existence would only make it hurt a lot more. And that pain is not for me; not for a faggot like me who vainly tries to twist someone into becoming like them. I hate it. I wasn't worth anything, at all.
Don't become hopeful that he will come back to you after what you did to yourself.
I know; and just knowing it is enough to end this misery. I was not supposed to live knowing that I hurt others than just myself.
"Koizumi-kun? Are you okay? Still alive?"
Suzumiya-san seemed to have gotten the phone back to her, as I heard her worried voice once again over the phone. I smiled, knowing I'm getting her worried. Sarcastically I shouted, "It hurts, Suzumiya-san. It hurts, so much. I'm sorry."
"You're still—! No, stop! Koizumi-kun, where are you? Tell us! We'll help you!"
Help me? Maybe I'll become a living dead.
"N-No…"
I was supposed to answer without buckling. But without warning, my word was stopped midway by the searing pain I started to feel from my wrists.
As I heard the keys fumble outside my room, I took the knife and sliced the telephone cord. Just in time, before I passed out.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Author'sNotes: Yawn~ I'm so sleepy! I reread all my yaoi manga and I was swept away again and had not finished all my other fan fictions. I hope you forgive me for that. I was looking for inspiration on these manga, and as of now all that I've got is from "Natsu Jikan"(I only have a Japanese copy so I was so slow reading it), "Ushirosugata no Natsu no Neko", "Tadayoedo Shizumazu, Saredo Naki no Sezu", "Tameiki no Ondo"(another pure Japanese copy), "Boku wa Kimi no Tori ni Naritai", "The Carp on the Chopping Block" and "The Cornered Mouse". The last two are not complete names of the titles! The title is just so loooong that typing it is such a chore. I'm not sure about the Japanese titles because I might have typed it wrong. But these are just about 5% of my yaoi manga, so their titles get mixed up in my head.
…I'm rambling again; I know. So for that, I'm sorry.
There's something wrong with my country. It's so hard to connect to fanfiction! What's the big deal? Darn.
Anyway, read and review! Thanks.