A/N: Slowly but surely this fic chugs to the end! I see one more chapter and an epilogue after this one! Hope to end it next week, but I'm off to experience some adventure!
WulfyFang3: Nope, they're not ready but they're a little more than willing! Lol Rocinante has no idea he's contributing – he's just an idiot D: But how will he know if he isn't told? One day, Law will tell him but not any time soon.
HS: It is because I've already decided on it D: Ever so slowly, Sanji is allowing himself to open up to the idea but he knows not to rush in – good thing Law is patient (but only for the things he likes!) Zoro is maturing up – he continues to do so the more he thinks about things and owns up to his end of the failed deal. Both of them continue to heal and change – I'm trying so very hard to write about it DX Zeff just didn't want Law retreating when he feels he doesn't have to – and it worked out well!
HeileWelt: I love Zeff, I always have. He's always the supportive old man in every one of my fics (well, except for that Beast and Beauty one!) because I absolutely love him in canon! Everyone needs that supportive old man father figure T_T I hope that the more you read, the more it's realized that both of them failed each other. I'm trying to convey that so that not one of them is the worst. Their friends didn't even know things were happening until they were told – which they often expressed. So they only knew that Sanji had cheated but didn't know there was even trouble before that. Now they feel awful for not noticing and coming to their judgements, and hopefully their relationship will be fixed in the end. And thanks for your comment – it's always my goal to make a reader *feel something in my writing. So your comment made me pretty happy lol
Fyoyaran: They finally did! and they will continue to do so! (slowly) And it will be awkward for them to all come together to fix and repair things, but healing is never easy! it can be done, though!
Guest: No, I think that would be more complicated! I'm trying to keep this story *short lol I'm more of a LuNa fan, actually. XD
: : 16
When Law returned to Marco's later that week, he must've been wearing some type of expression because the man said as Law was sitting, "Before we even start, I just want to state that things seem to be going very well with you."
Surprised, Law removed his jacket, setting it over his lap rather than accept Marco's offer to hang it up. "Is it that obvious?"
"What did your check-up say?"
"I gained only two pounds."
"It may not seem that much to you, but I can assure you, that's a great advancement."
"When does it get easier?"
"Time will tell. What do you feel about the difference?"
Law considered it before admitting, "It feels horrible on one hand. It feels like I've lost control but…"
Marco waited for him to finish, the chime of some far away clock ringing in the distance.
"On another…there's a lot of positive things that logically outweigh those things. Logically. I hear the same voices though, screaming at me whenever I sit to focus on what I'm doing."
"Are those voices…changing tone?"
"A little," Law admitted. "They're still as judgmental as before, and…Rocinante actually visited the other day."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"It's hard to ignore that he's an idiot," Law said. "He still says the same dumb shit as he had when I was younger, but…he means well, he just doesn't…do well with expressing them."
"Do you carry any resentment towards him?"
"Not at all," Law said firmly. "He's just an idiot that doesn't realize what he's saying. He chose to remove himself from a situation he wasn't helping, and I hold absolutely no resentment of the matter in the slightest. I just think that…well, the only thing that truly bothers me is that I…"
He trailed off, aware that he was speaking ahead of himself. He didn't want to bring up his blossoming relationship with Sanji just yet – that was a whole different can of information that was unnecessary to his recovery, he felt. But the comment Zoro had made towards him continued to smother his every waking thought.
Marco sensed his reluctance to continue, settling ankle atop of knee. "Does it have any involvement with your recovery?"
Law made a reluctant frown. "I just want to think normally. Like other people. I resent feeling and thinking this way and not being instantly cured because I want to be – I can't see any reason why it should make me stumble, but – "
"It's okay to stumble," Marco said gently. "It happens. What matters is how you pick yourself up."
"I'm tired of picking myself up."
"Then it's okay to rely on others."
"I sense that, but I…am I the right person for others to depend on?"
"Are you?"
"I can be. I'm well aware that I am…a necessity," Law ventured carefully. "And that's motivating, but…I question myself about it a lot."
Marco shifted in his seat. "It sounds like you're very confident in wanting to continue your path in recovery, but you're not very certain of yourself regarding different matters. Tell me – in which way do these matters reflect on your disorder?"
Law frowned. He had to ease away from that question. He licked his lip before saying, "What matters in the end is that I am alive to enjoy what's rest of my life."
Marco did his best to repress a knowing smile; aware that Law avoided answering what was really bothering him.
"Yes, this is true," he said slowly. "I'm curious – how do you look at food, now? Belladonna has mentioned how much enthusiasm you have in completing food projects."
Law exhaled. "Well, I've been missing out on a lot," he said slowly. "Before, I saw food as…a frenemy, as you will. Not necessarily hating it as the accepted perception others have of people like me, but…hating the effect it has on me. I hated that I only saw calories as a sort of antagonism – this has that many, that has this many, all of it can do this, all of it can do that. I loved and enjoyed eating to the point of an uncomfortable obsession, but hated that I can only love and enjoy certain foods that I allowed myself to. Now…my perception has changed. I dread looking forward to eating because…I am enjoying what I am eating. And enjoyment of it means I am allowing what I hadn't allowed myself before, and dreading it because I am still fucking fighting it every time."
"The fight gets exhausting," Marco agreed.
"I just want to be able to sit and enjoy his cooking without thinking too much into it," Law muttered bitterly.
Marco's smile ghosted over his face again. "He must cook very well."
"I do," Law amended quickly. "I cook pretty good, but…I'd rather…I wasn't the one cooking because it – I don't cook very well."
Marco thought that sorting out that comment was going to cause some trouble, so he just took it as is.
"I can enjoy eating," Law said slowly, "but only under my acceptable conditions and terms. Which drives me crazy because while I can explore and enjoy tastes, textures and the very aspect of it, a part of me still denies eating carelessly. I can't lose control while another part of me practically cries for the want of it. Does any of that make sense?"
"Absolutely."
"Now it's not about allowing myself a certain number of bites – it's about allowing myself to fully enjoy it as a normal human being. I don't know how many times I've enviously watched people eat thinking how lucky they are for the simple act of eating. My thinking has changed to where I can sit and think about every bite I take and think about how good it is but I'm also thinking about how bad it is for me caloric-wise, if I'll be able to allow myself more, when I'll allow myself seconds, etc., etc.. I am eating much better than I've allowed myself before, but I'm still hearing myself tell myself That's enough. It feels like I've been eating excessively, so to hear I've only gained two pounds since my last checkup…it feels like a letdown after so much fight I've put into this."
"It shows. You walked into here with more confidence and cheer than I'd ever seen you with. You shouldn't be discouraged, Law. You're doing great. Despite the battle you're undergoing and recognizing what's happening with yourself, you are picking up that spoon or fork and eating. That's more than what could be said when you first came in here, so please – be proud of yourself for how far you've come. Don't beat yourself up for something you can't control – your body needs to adjust after years of being denied regular eating; you have take in mind that you and it have to adjust thinking and comfort in order to allow big changes to happen. And it's happening! It's coming along marvelously, so build yourself up with the compliment on how far you've come, and not look back to a landscape you've just left." Marco shifted in his seat again. "But you've been coming into Belladonna's sessions alone. Where's Sanji?"
Law crossed his ankles while studying a nearby window. "This isn't about my roommate."
"I apologize for being so intrusive. Let's talk about Rocinante. I told him if I ever caught him hacking into my computer files again I'll cut his head off, but I've logged at least two more attacks since then. You should talk to him."
Law was amused. "I could, but honestly – it's not about him. He's…I'm appreciative of him and everything's he's done. He's an idiot, and you can't really help idiots. I feel comfortable telling him pretty much anything and everything but – telling him that he was indirectly a cause to my disorder? That would savage him. I don't feel laying any guilt onto him is necessary. He feels guilt already. Plus, this wasn't about Rocinante in the first place."
"You don't need any more voices, Law."
"My voices are…I think they'll always be there," Law said vaguely. "I can't imagine not hearing them. I look at myself now, did I tell you that? And I'm getting…compliments from those that have seen me before. Some of the things they say are quite unnecessary, but…it's noticeable, now, that I am helping myself. And that makes me feel good."
"What also makes you feel good?"
"An actual future," Law responded after thinking about it. "All I ever thought about was food and now…I can think of other things. I can look forward to waking up each and every day and find myself thinking about something that doesn't involve calories. Though, I still think of them – it just isn't my first and last thought anymore."
"You've made some excellent progress, Law."
"Some of my coworkers often joke that I should stop hating food. I don't hate food. But it feels exhausting trying to explain it to them."
"So don't."
"I don't and didn't hate food. I hated my control of it. I don't not eat – at my lowest, I was eating eight times a day, but my caloric intake was…significantly less. This was about control over things I…don't have control over. Losing my family. Filling holes. But people say such cruel things that I feel like…eating disorders to them are just…glamorous myths attained by individuals that are glorified by other people lost in the concept of it. They don't give a thought about how basic it can be. They just want to hurt and judge because they only believe in a myth society set as a standard. And that's hard to express to people who ask."
"Then why don't you tell this to those closest to you so that they understand?"
"That'll take a little more effort. I'm just starting to like myself, again. Educating others at this point…that's asking too much from me."
"What do you like about yourself, Law?"
Law gave a lop-sided smile.
"I am open minded," he said carefully. "I have a horrible sense of humor. I like animals."
"Those are good qualities of a person."
"I'm stubborn. I'm willful. I chuckle loudly when I hear someone fart in public."
"Well, hmm…"
"I used to hold that last one in, afraid of drawing negative attention but I have found that they're more embarrassed of themselves then they are of noticing that I noticed. Because of my progress, I feel like I can engage more with outsider interaction. I can look people in the eyes. I can speak of my disorder out loud to strangers. I believe that my growing confidence will turn me into a monster by the completion of my recovery," Law said with assurance.
"I agree," Marco said with light-hearted concern.
Law considered these things for a brief moment before saying, "I think I'm going in the right direction, doc. I feel very good about myself. Despite some things, I feel very…proud…of how far I've come since I've started. I don't doubt that it'll get any easier, but I feel like I've been in the dark for so long that once I had a feel of the light, I'll do anything to continue holding onto that warmth."
"I'm glad. I'm very happy for you, Law."
: :
After his appointment, Law met Sanji at a nearby coffee shop. Since that day in the restaurant, Sanji just looked tired and lifeless, but there was something different about him as well. Law wasn't sure what it was. After they both ordered coffee, they took a seat at a corner booth.
"How'd it go today?" Sanji asked, butterfly Band-Aid covering his healing wound. He then perked up after he examined the older man's expression. "It went well, didn't it?"
"I was able to talk more, so…it was a good day," Law answered. "I was thinking about it as I was walking here – I usually make that man work to get words out of me, and today I was spilling most of it out like I were a coffeepot."
Sanji could just imagine how difficult it was getting anything out of Law that wasn't sarcasm or judgement, but to hear the proud tone in Law's voice just now assured him that Law himself felt he was doing great. That was a positive sign, and he couldn't help but let that reflect on his face.
"That's great. I'm happy for you."
"One day I'll be able to talk about it more. I just feel that not many would understand it."
"I had very biased opinions about what you were going through, but seeing it, really being around it helped me understand a little more about it. I'll wait for the day you can correct me on it."
"I…held things in because why the fuck would people want to know things about me? I didn't know many things about me. Half of my life was spent thinking about food. Holding in everything was my way of avoiding trouble. Now I'm finding that the more adventurous I become, the more I can't shut the fuck up."
Sanji chuckled. "I know."
"It's like I just discovered what a mouth can do."
"That can go in so many different directions, buddy," Sanji said with some amused discomfort.
Law just smiled down at the table, quite aware of all his implications. After some moments he said, "I don't think I could have done this without you and your mess."
Sanji groaned. "I'm sorry you were drawn into it."
"Every time you apologize for something stupid, I deserve to kick you in the shin." Law looked serious. "But I mean it. If I hadn't been drawn into that…I would've never found my voice. Maybe I owe it more to Brook, because he was the true reason I started talking to the Saiyan."
"Who's…what's a 'Saiyan'?"
"I should really thank Brook," Law murmured thoughtfully to himself.
Sanji rolled his eyes. Law studied him for a few moments then said, "But it was because you answered my ad that things changed so much. You think it was the work of your Higher Power?"
Sanji drummed the table top with his fingertips. "I believe in bits and pieces here and there," he said slowly, "but our given free will – that's where we really make something of it. Our lives. We make our choices that end up making more sense in the end. Like…your movie. Shit. That stupid alien movie. Things had to fall apart before they could make any sense."
"What a trip," Law commented, vaguely awestruck. But he had to wonder why he had to suffer an eating disorder for him to find any relief associated to a higher power – it was best he didn't put anymore thought into it, he figured. "Do you think that of your situation?"
Sanji wore a rue expression. "My opinion of it changes day to day."
He ended up grimacing out the window, unable to look at Law as he added, "It's not that I want to rush into anything else – I don't…after what he said, I just feel dead. I don't trust myself anymore, I don't trust anyone, I don't…believe in love. And…that's something I will have to continue sorting out."
Law thought that this was fair – considering the circumstances, anyone left in the dust of that aftermath would have some trouble standing. In a way, he still felt hopeful that perhaps Sanji would regain confidence in himself.
"But in the end I have to remind myself of what was happening under that roof compared to what's happening today and just…be thankful that it did," Sanji finished uncomfortably, picking at his cup. "I'd still be living a fucking lie."
Law looked horrified. "I would've never met Bepo."
Sanji shook his head with amusement, looking out the window. Law reached out to touch his hand, which was tapping nervously on the table top. After giving him his attention, Sanji cautiously took his hand.
"I'm still afraid," he admitted softly.
"I think it's okay," Law said stoically. "I'm here for a good time, not a long time."
Sanji tossed his hand away. "You're an awful person!" he laughed. "Learn some damn restraint!"
"Let's get some ice cream, Sanji. Then go look at dogs."
"…Looking at dogs does sound nice."
"I'm not making light of your situation," Law then added. "I understand why they're there. I just want to make sure that you don't shut me out while my hands are clinging to the brick while I'm climbing out of my own made moat."
After some moments of quiet consideration, Sanji said, "I know where your hands are, Law. I want to support you in any way that I can."
"I'm comfortable establishing boundaries, but…I require your patience."
"And you trust that I have any?"
"No." Law covered his hand with one of his hands. "But thank you."
"I just want to apologize for – OW!" Sanji shouted out, holding onto his shin as Law retracted his foot. "Fucker!"
"I warned you."
Rubbing out the pain, Sanji scowled at him. "You made me forget what I was going to say!"
"Let's go look at puppies."
"I'll get my revenge. Sleep lightly."
"This is fine, isn't it?" Law then asked as they stood from their booth, fiddling with his cup nervously. He'd taken a few sips but hadn't finished it – being that it wasn't something he thought tasted any good.
"Looking at dogs? Hanging out? Yeah."
"No. This," Law indicated the pair of them. Before Sanji could say anything, he rushed to say, "just…this. It doesn't have to be labeled. It doesn't have to be fleshed out. Where it's going is…fine."
Sanji considered this with effort. Because Law's friendship was important, because everything else included had only been realized recently, he felt he should put up his boundaries just to be clear on the matter. But he didn't feel threatened right now. He only recognized that there were feelings hidden down in the muddy remains of the mess left behind by his marriage. Something clean and sparkly, something worth digging for.
"No labels," he decided.
Law looked satisfied with that. "Fine."
: :
That night, Sanji watched his cellphone screen flash with an incoming call. He didn't bother answering it. It was painful knowing that Zoro hadn't loved him. It was painful acknowledging that these years spent with the other man had been nothing but a lie. At the same time, he acknowledged that he was the one to end the marriage in an equally as painful way. A part of him felt angry that Zoro had been so furious at him when he didn't even love him; it felt overwhelmingly unfair. It felt unfair that their friends chose Zoro's side; it felt unfair that he was the one that lost everything despite Zoro never loving him.
But he had to recognize that perhaps Zoro had in a way that Sanji had yet to understand. Because if Zoro hadn't, then why was he there? Why agree to the marriage? Why do all these things with Sanji if Zoro didn't love him?
Perhaps Zoro was the confused one in all this. Perhaps he did love Sanji but in a way that didn't match Sanji's. But did that excuse the ending?
When the phone stopped ringing – it was on silent – Sanji stared at the screen of calls he'd also deliberately missed. Some were texts from Luffy, some were from Ussop, one was from Nami, apologizing for her behavior after Zoro talked to them about his feelings.
There was a time when Sanji would have felt relief in having their friends reaching out for him, but he couldn't feel that now. All he felt was a sense of overwhelming despair that he'd been the only one to ruin things. It was that guilt complex that Zoro always brought up. Things had changed between all of them – there was potential in apology and forgiveness, but there was still a looming crevice that seemed too broken to fix.
He was convinced that they still wouldn't look at him the same.
How could something like this be fixed?
He reached for his phone, reluctantly clearing the screen and noting the notifications left behind. Was it okay to acknowledge this thing he had with Law to his friends? Was it okay to actually have it after how his marriage ended? What if he did the same to that man?
What if he were falling right back into a situation he had to leave behind?
In the beginning of the relationship he had with Zoro, it was all competitive rivalry and a bond that couldn't be severed because of their rivalry. They were always clashing as children – then, as they grew older, it turned into something different. An attraction that was noticeable to others – then it grew into a familiarity that felt comfortable to pursue and indulge in because both of them always ran so hot and fiery that it felt uncomfortably cold when they were separated. Zoro helped distract him from the suffocating weight of the lack of his family's love and made Sanji feel like he was wanted.
He didn't feel appreciated – Zoro never said 'thanks' or complimented Sanji on what he provided. But Zoro had different ways of showing he depended on Sanji that Sanji had found this acceptable. It was only when he started to feel starved that he set out to find something to "fill that hole".
It was frightening to think that it could start all over again with someone new, but Sanji had to tell himself that the relationship he had with Law was different. His cooking was an expression of his feelings, so for Law to openly appreciate it was different. The pair of them somehow managed to pull each other out from the depths of a crevice without expectations; Sanji and Zoro had competed and expected reciprocation in a way that was natural of their relationship.
Their competitive friendship turned into a marriage that was supposed to be a continuation of that relationship, but maybe neither of them changed accordingly to make the marriage work. Sanji had to tell himself that just because he loved Zoro didn't mean that he was the only one to make it work; he had expectations that were unrealistic of the other man as well. He was just as thoughtless as Zoro was.
He stared out the window for quite some time, thinking about the painful past he had with the other man. When he looked at his phone again, Zoro had texted him some long paragraphs. A few of the words Sanji caught were apologies, angry accusations and undecided efforts towards at least maintaining a friendship. Sanji couldn't read that just yet, so he just cleared the screen and let his message notifications build up.
He watched as Law drifted into his room and immediately went to his closet, causing Sanji to furrow his brow.
"What are you looking for?" he asked crankily.
"A shirt," Law answered, shoving aside all of Sanji's hangers. "Shachi wants us to go to this restaurant across town, and it is dress up."
Sanji found himself battling a combination of approval and disapproval in the plan. He felt a little hurt that he wasn't invited, but also relieved that this "thing" wasn't something where either had to be clingy. If Law were Zoro, Sanji would have made a scene about being left behind; independence was something neither of them felt the other should have. At least…that was how it was felt until Zoro decided that he actually did need it.
These were Sanji's own feelings he had to sort out and fix.
"What kind of restaurant?" he then asked.
"A buffet."
"That's not a restaurant! And you have to dress up for it?"
"Well, yes. Plus," Law added, taking out a black, long sleeved shirt and holding it up against his chest for measurement, "it's sort of an annual company meeting thing. It'll be the first time I showed up."
Sanji understood that both of them had individual lives with different expectations – what he had done with Zoro did not apply to anyone else afterward. But he understood that this was a significant step for the other man – a venture into an area he avoided because of food. So those earlier feelings melted away to be replaced by a sense of support.
"This was a last minute decision?" he asked, rising up from the bed and taking the shirt from him. He retrieved a white one instead. "You mentioned nothing about this, today."
"Very last minute," Law assured him. "Shachi's outside."
Sanji gave him an impatient look. Sure enough, the front door opened with Shachi hollering out for Law. Law gave the white shirt a frown. "That stands out way too much."
"Give us five minutes!" Sanji shouted towards his open door, ignoring Law's protest. He shoved it at him. "Put this on, come out here for a tie, then get that ugly black blazer that looks like something you held onto from high school prom. Don't you dare wear those ugly slacks you have – just wear those jeans with the weird hems."
Law gave him an insulted look, but obeyed. He just buttoned the shirt on over the pj shirt he had already been wearing – Sanji tugged on a black tie. It did not look like Law was wearing extra clothes underneath the shirt, but he still had a very concerning thin appearance.
"After you get dressed, brush your hair. Don't wear a hat. For fuck's sake, brush your teeth at least."
"Can you wipe my ass, too, please? I might have missed a spot."
Sanji tugged on his earrings. "Don't fuck with me."
As Law walked off to find the other pieces to his outfit, Sanji headed out into the front area to see Shachi talking to Bepo. The older man straightened up at the sight of his approach, a little nervous.
"Don't you dare push him to eat," Sanji warned him. "Don't even think of saying 'That's not enough', or even commenting on what he does pick. I don't want him coming back here feeling any guilty about what he managed to do, tonight. If I see even a shred of insecurity returning, I will find you, cut your balls and let you watch as I feed them to Bepo. Is that understood?"
Shachi swallowed tightly. "Well, let's not get overly dramatic – "
"I'm aware of how you people talk to him! I'm just giving fair warning."
"We're not bad people, Sanji."
"I know you guys mean well, but none of you have any tact! All of you are like that bigger idiot, Rocinante. Just letting shit fly from your mouth without even thinking about the impact."
At the sound of Law leaving his room, Sanji held a warning finger up to Shachi's face then turned to face him as Shachi looked outraged. Seeing that Law had followed his orders, Sanji approved with a nod. He still intercepted him as Law intended on saying goodbye to Bepo.
"Don't loosen your tie, you're not a kid," he said, fixing it. Then attempting to fix his hair, which Law pulled away from. "Keep your fart jokes to yourself, don't comment on people's relationships the way you do when we're out shopping, don't stare at old men's bald spots. Do not aggravate anything if you should see the four shit blocks there."
"Why are you stealing the fun right out of our evening?" Shachi asked with a curled lip.
"Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends," Law said, gesturing at Shachi and Bepo. He rolled his eyes, loosening his tie as he grabbed his keys and wallet from the hallway table. As Shachi opened and exited the doorway, Law looked at Sanji. "Answer your phone."
Sanji frowned at him, crossing his arms stiffly. "Have a good time."
After Law was gone, he shuffled back to his room to flop onto his bed and retrieve his phone to see that more messages had arrived. He wasn't ready to respond. It was going to take more time doing so.
A couple of weeks later found the pair of them sitting on a bench at a nearby national park. The hiking trail was shady and the pathway was gentle, and Sanji was inwardly wondering if Law were pushing himself too hard. He seemed so eager to "be better" that it was now him making all the plans for their outings; Sanji worried that it was too much too soon. He wore a backpack that had their snacks, water and basic supplies while Law wore a hat, cooling-kerchief and brand new hiking shoes that looked absurdly big for him. He was wearing shorts for the first time – the weight he was steadily putting on was starting to show.
Insects buzzed around them, Sanji waving at his face impatiently.
"I'd always looked at this place, but never thought I'd make it here," Law confessed, looking over the cityscape visible to them over a few rolling hills and a sporadic treeline. "So sitting here is one of my biggest accomplishments. I hope to see a moose."
"Moose are further north. I didn't have the courage to do this stuff," Sanji said. "Guess I was too busy to appreciate nature."
"Should we take a picture?"
Sanji quickly pulled his phone out from his backpack before Law could change his mind. He took one of both of them, then sat to examine the quality. For the first time in a long time, Law could honestly say that he looked better. Not a spectacular picture, but something he could definitely be proud of. The little voices argued with him for several moments before he said, "Let me send that one to Rocinante."
"Let me take one of you by yourself, then."
"No. It has to be that one."
Sanji looked at him, fiddling with his phone. "Slowly. Okay? Do this slowly."
"I just want him to see that I'm not out here on my own, otherwise, there will be a drone flying overhead." Once Law saw the understanding in the other man's eyes, he then added, "Besides, he already knows about us. So it shouldn't be that big of a surprise."
"I know, but…no labels, right?"
"I wish you would bring that up before you suck my insides out – "
Sanji slapped a hand over his mouth with a reddened face, two hikers nearby walking by with concerned expressions. "Don't say it like that! Jerk!"
"I mean, I'm just saying," Law said with an eye roll. "The fact is it's happening. So pretending that it's not – "
"It's not 'pretending'. It's…going fifteen miles per hour in a sixty-five zone."
"Causing accidental assumptions in the meantime."
Exhaling heavily, Sanji sat back on the bench. "Don't do this. Don't pressure me. I warned you, I am having a hard time with letting this happen as is."
"See, the thing is, I'm fairly happy with the way my life is going. You're a big part of that. I feel that it's necessary to include you in that."
"It's like taking a clearance item off the rack and trying to pass it off as a first sale! Anyone can see that it's busted with some chips on the edges!"
"Are we talking about a dinner plate? A ceramic mug?"
Lost for a few moments, Sanji then answered, "A gravy boat."
"Sometimes, things that need to be put back together look better than they were. Like the Japanese do with their broken ceramics. Or a cherished rag doll repaired with visibly different stitches."
"Jesus Christ with the analogy…one person can see the beauty in that, but in your mind, I see you thinking of some bloody corpse with obvious stitch work! Some reanimated body…"
Law thinned his lips, trying to put away the image of Sally from 'Nightmare Before Christmas' away. Then he realized that he could see Sanji's face over hers. "Do you like Tim Burton?" he had to ask.
"Is he one of your doctor friends?" Sanji asked, furrowing his brow with concentration.
Law gave him a look of disdain. "How are you this young and yet so stupid?"
Sanji rolled his eyes.
"I confess, I was thinking of replacing you with Sally, so…but that movie has some relevance to the situation as well, doesn't it? Jack discovered a brand new world that he wanted to exploit for his own purposes – he meant well, but it was a mistake to think that he could fit into it while belonging to another."
"I wish I could have met you sooner," Sanji mumbled. "That way you had more life experience than movie experience – "
"I think that it pertains to my situation here. I want part of your glittering, manic world but mine is – "
"It's not that I don't want you in it, I just - ! I doubt myself! I doubt everything, and I don't want to be the cause of some negative effect. I'm still recovering from this one."
"But didn't Jack help save Santa in the end, and they came to a beautiful agreement to overcome adversary?"
Sanji sighed because it was important to communicate, no matter how difficult the content. But this was something he had to adjust and fit to with another person. Law wasn't like Zoro – conversations could actually lead to conversation and not yet another competitive shouting match.
"Oogie Boogie is the depression monster in both of us. The point is," Law said, "you can't keep doubting yourself. You can't keep thinking that everything is going to be like what it was before."
"Look at you with this fresh, new confidence!"
Law did a minimal curtsy from the bench, which allowed Sanji to think that his words were taken as sarcasm and not a shitty comment – which he'd internally meant it to be.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I'm just being an asshole."
He sent the picture to Law.
Law felt his phone vibrate with the message then looked to Sanji from the corner of his eye. "So…I've noticed you've been avoiding your phone a lot."
Sanji sighed noisily, wiping dust from his shins. "I'm not ready to talk about it."
"When will you be?"
"It was thirteen years of being with this person, so…I have a lot of things stuffed in that closet to sort out."
"You were together since you were kids?"
"We met as kids…then it turned into something more."
Law looked at him with concern. "You do this with all your friends?"
"Of course not!"
"Why did you think things would change when you got married?"
Sanji grimaced. Weren't there rules stated that one couldn't speak of their past relationship to a new relationship? Was he acknowledging this as a 'relationship' despite all his protests? A part of him hoped that this would discourage the older man's insistence.
"Because we'd changed," he said slowly, "and I thought that both of us would appreciate each other better. It didn't turn out that way. On both our parts. My expectations were…unrealistic. Stupid. Ugh. I relied on the fairy tale to fix things and make them better, but they obviously didn't. We didn't really communicate, we expected. I essentially just destroyed what was already broken."
Law thought about it and couldn't help the images that popped to mind. Screaming matches from reality tv shows crossed his thoughts with bright exuberance.
"Both of us were the villain," Sanji mumbled. "Both of us…had grown together but with different expectations that neither of us could fulfill because neither of us knew how to talk about it. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah."
"That was the first time I really saw him angry at me," Sanji said, thinking of their talk at the restaurant before court. "And to this day, I didn't want him seeing me…in the way that you had…because it was something I had power over him. Showing each other emotions and really telling them your thoughts instead of holding them back because of being afraid of them – that's not…it didn't help anything between us. I'm still disappointed in myself for doing what I did, but I'm also angry at him for…having everything. I still can't look at his friends the same, and maybe I'm still angry at them, too. I don't know. I just know that if I choose to move on so quickly, I'll just make the same mistakes."
"Possibly," Law agreed lightly. "But now that you're aware of them, you can just do it differently, right?"
"But will I catch myself in time?"
"Probably not. But isn't that life? You make mistakes, you fix them and move on. That's what I learned from J-Wow. Look at her. She's got a loving husband and kids that she proudly shows off while looking completely different from her hoe-days."
Sanji frowned over at him while Law realized he hadn't finished watching that particular season. He whistled low. "And Snooki! Look at her 180! That should be inspirational."
Sanji's frown deepened. "I just…don't know if these are real people that we should actually depend upon for major life lessons."
"The point is, Sanji, that if you really want to change you can. So if you really want something different, or to be something different, then do it. Snookie's infamy lives on through memes and clips, but she looks back at these things with laughter and now she's happy being who she is now. So anybody can do it."
Sanji stared at him with disdain while Law thought that Snooki did a pretty good job of moving away from being that drunken girl getting arrested on the beach.
He looked at Sanji. "Or, for another example – "
"Enough."
"But I was going to use Will Smith as my next example – "
"Enough! Let's finish this trail! …and that's the ice guy from that cartoon, right?"
"You are unbelievably racist."
"I am busy living life, not relying on movies to live them for me! I can't relate to any of that until you actually show it to me!"
"You're a good kid, Sanji. You've got potential."
"I'm tired of your endless rambling, old man…"
Law rose from the bench, brushing himself off. "I was too embarrassed to say it before, but my motivational speech actually helped me stir up a bit of courage. I'm fucking tired of being out in actual nature, and I want to go home. I mean, these bugs…I can't be that delicious. Why are they attacking me?"
"This is something you organized, so let's finish it!"
"There's always another day. Besides, my heart feels funny – "
Sanji looked at him with concern. "You want a piggy back?"
"You won't feel like a dork carrying me?"
"It's going to be all you, so I don't feel self-conscious at all."
Minutes later, Law was grinning to himself because he acknowledged being a selfish jerk using low-blows to get his way; Sanji hauled the taller man back to the car they rented, thinking that maybe he should watch the shows Law did to actually make sense of the things he was saying.
But one thing they could both agree upon was that this thing they had was, indeed, a beautiful thing.
: :
Brook pulled desperately at his leash, panting heavily and choking himself as he struggled to get away from Zoro's grasp. Zoro gave him an impatient look and let the dog run to him. Whining and crying, Brook demanded to be pet, drool flying as he twisted this way and that in an effort to get all his zones covered. Law took his leash before he could give the dog what he was asking for.
There was a sense of awkwardness between them, but the dog's comfort was acknowledged with heavy reluctance. Zoro didn't trust anyone that Brook shied away from, and the dog's cheer with the skinny man spoke uncomfortable volumes that he just had to accept.
"I was hoping he would just show up himself," Zoro said uncomfortably. The black of his hair dye was gone with a short haircut. The green seemed rather shiny in the stark summer light. "But it doesn't mean I'm going to keep the dog from him because of it."
"We've got one more season to go," Law told him seriously. "He was stuck on the specials, but I'm sure he's starting to warm up to the idea of what some serious effort it will take to change."
Zoro wore a puzzled expression. "What kind of change?"
"As you should already know," Law said, crouching at Brook's side, "the reason why he's avoiding all of you."
Zoro sighed with reluctance. Luffy had come with him, but he was busy playing at the nearby splash pad with some kids and a feisty wiener dog that had intimidated Brook earlier. The younger man was soaking wet.
"But I think he's just getting the courage needed to talk. Like Finn," Law said, massaging Brook's neck in the way he liked. The dog grunted, droopy eyes closing with pleasure before flopping up against him. "It took awhile for Finn to admit he was a former Storm Trooper, but once he did, he as accepted almost immediately because of the effort he had already put into righting a terrible wrong."
"…Who?"
Law looked up at Zoro sharply. "Are you not a fan of Star Wars?"
"That show with the…the ship, right? That…with the eyebrows…"
"Star Trek and Star Wars are completely different worlds - ! Never mind. The point being is that when he's ready to talk to you, he will," Law said, almost breathless with horror.
Zoro stared at him. He could not see how Sanji could possibly tolerate someone as absent minded and bewildering as this older man. Sanji always had an eye for beautiful and striking men; for men with mass, for men that could give him a hard time (in and out of bed). To acknowledge that he'd fallen for this one that looked like he could disappear standing sideways, that rattled on aimlessly on things that had no relevance to the subject – it felt incredibly painful to even recognize.
Not painful in a betrayal sense; but painful because if he hadn't already seen it, he would be hard pressed to believe that Sanji could be affectionate for this weirdo.
That was it – this man was a weirdo. To be treated specially and carefully. Surely there was something Sanji had in mind to use; maybe this guy was rich.
But at the same time Zoro could not see Sanji using anybody; that guy refused help like it were a curse. He refused to take advantage of the elderly and the sick, and he had always been the first to jump if someone needed help.
Maybe that was it.
This guy was a cry for help and Sanji thought he could save him. It made more sense that way.
He furrowed his brow suspiciously. "What does he do for you?"
"Hmm?" Law looked up from rubbing Brook's ample belly. "Brook?"
"No. Sanji."
"Ah, well, that's a loaded question," Law said, standing. "Are you sure you want to hear it?"
Zoro felt his face redden with emotion.
Counting off his fingers, Law said, "Provides me with an endless amount of entertainment reserved for reality drama; pays his half of rent; introduced me to Brook, here; introduced me to Bepo; fluffs my favorite blanket; doesn't talk during my favorite shows; and sometimes, just sometimes, he has clean socks I can just snatch up whenever I haven't the time to do my wash. Oh, and replenishes the toilet paper. I cannot stand anything else but the Charmin Strong – "
"Is that it? Is that really it?"
Law shyly fiddled with his fingers. "And cooks me shit upon request. I admit, I used him selfishly for that. Once a guy has real food, they can't ever go back to canned stuff – in fact, I'd probably fake a grandparents' death just to get him to cook for me - "
"Do you even eat it?"
"I have. I appreciate it. I tell him so. Constantly. But it's still difficult for him to do it freely, so fuck you for that."
Zoro frowned deeply at him, Brook lifting onto his feet once he sensed the presence of a curse word.
"Admittedly, Goku – "
"It's Zoro!"
" – I have no reservations into admitting what that cook means to me. He might not see it the same way, but…I'm hoping one day he'll just let it happen."
Zoro glared at him before looking away. Luffy had a couple of kids on his shoulders as he raced about with others at his feet, parents looking on with concern.
Sanji wasn't his anymore. Hadn't been for a very long time. So he knew he couldn't be angry at Law for saying this openly to his face. But he did respect someone that was open about their intentions. He couldn't find it within himself to fully accept it, but he respected it. Some time ago, he'd do his best to discourage Law's way of thinking but now…it wasn't up to him to govern anyone's actions.
It was a tough pill to swallow. It was letting go of something he'd loosely held onto, simply for the familiarity of it.
"One day," he agreed tightly.
"In the meantime, I'm sure he'll return your calls once he's ready to talk. But you understand him the most – so you should understand this."
"The thing is, I don't. I'm used to him being in my fucking face, taking up all the air to express his every thought and whim so this silence and avoidance is new to me."
"Then understand it for what it is."
"A change?" Zoro mumbled, a little bitterly.
"What's wrong with change?"
"It's just…for you it's a good thing, but for us…it's sort of a…scary venture. Years underneath our feet fell out and left us both floundering."
Law felt some threat rise up within him, acknowledging that Zoro was just as down about it as Sanji was. But it was quite apparent to him that neither wanted to go back. So that threatening feeling went away.
"New worlds are always fun to explore."
"Yeah, but finding the spirit to do so is a little troublesome…"
"Well, plants have no problem growing once they find water."
"You're trying to plant a seed in my brain."
"Don't be silly. I know of nothing that grows in solid rock."
Zoro looked at him suspiciously while Law snickered to himself. "Was that a 'Cheers' quote?"
Law looked at him with surprise. "You fucker. You know of that show?"
"It used to run on repeats in an old dojo I used to – anyway," Zoro cut himself off while Law looked at him with an awestruck expression. "I'm not doing this. Civil, not friendly."
Law frowned over at Luffy as the younger man was sprawled out on the splash pad, seemingly drowning in front of everyone. "That child looks like he's in some trouble."
Zoro glanced over, then looked panicked. He rushed off to assist while Law picked up Brook, grunting with the effort. The dog looked down at him with surprise and concern, stilling his entire body so that Law could hold him safely. Assessing his trembling muscles, Law was sure he could carry the dog home without too much effort. He was quite happy about that.
Everything about his life right now made him quite happy.