A/N: I ended up deleting what I hadn't saved to a proper document. I had to rewrite this entire chapter. It destroys me inside when I do that dumb shit. It literally makes me not want to write anymore (dramatic Disney moment of flinging one's self onto the bed and sobbing) I finally fixed it but…maybe one more chapter before epilogue!
HS: Honestly, I had to go and rewatch some of the shows he was quoting from. It was a dreadful walk back into my own past lol! Pretty sure my life was as dramatic XD Thank you for your thoughts throughout the entire story! As you can see after reading this chapter…my mood had changed XD
: : 17
Looking at his wedding ring, Sanji thought about the day that the pair of them picked them out. They were both clumsy at it; noisy, argumentative. The saleslady had looked worn and grumpy herself by the time the two of them decided on a matching pair. It was plain gold with a single wave with a tiny chip of a diamond – a moon overlooking the sea. Inside were inscribed "pet names" ; Shitty M, Shitty C. Sanji remembered the first night he took his off when he set out on his first affair – how his hand trembled, fingers shaking before it was deposited into his wallet. It had been easier the last time he did it. His tan line had faded and Zoro hadn't even noticed until the phone call.
Twirling it within one hand, Sanji thought about how he would talk to Zoro. All the fight that had warmed him months earlier with the divorce had died down to only dirty ashes – warm only because he was too sad to feel anything at all. But it was over – his marriage was done. Both of them had accepted that. All that remained was the feeling of how these years were wasted living a terrible lie.
We're both to blame, he thought. Neither one of us is the victim.
It was time to repair the broken edges, he supposed, as long as Brook was in his life. They could talk uncomfortably but Sanji wasn't sure how to accept Zoro's apologies, and maybe Zoro shouldn't accept his. Maybe it'll even out.
At the same time, he was aware that this was something that should have happened a long time ago. This happened for a reason. This happened because neither of them was good for each other and they were both too stubborn to see it as such. He clasped the ring within one palm, feeling the heat of it on his skin. He couldn't imagine sliding it on for one last wear. It made his finger burn.
He wondered what Zoro did with his. Sanji was positive he did not want to keep this sad reminder of his failed marriage. He did not want to marry anyone again. Once he finally changed his name, he would not do it again. He'd promised himself he would not love someone again; he promised to keep what was left of himself to himself. He'd given too much of himself away and had barely anything more to give.
Which was why this thing with Law hurt so much. That man's feelings were so open and obvious and Sanji feared he could only do him wrong. But at the same time, he couldn't help but continue taking because, goddamn it, he was so alone - ! He felt so warm and capable when he was with Law; he felt like he was doing everything right.
But the moment he remembered why he was even here in the first place…
He closed his eyes, settling his hands on his chest with the ring falling to the bed.
What should I feel? he thought to himself, feeling his gut burn with anxiety. How do I let go of that to take this?
He heard the door open, Brook's toenails scraping against the floor as he shot forward with low barks to announce that he was home. Sanji quickly sat up and searched for the ring he'd dropped but the dog was already in his room with Law close behind him. Sanji picked the old man up from the floor with a whooshing sound, Brook's legs kicking with a frenzy.
After drawing the heavy dog to his lap with a careful hug, Sanji looked at Law cautiously. He checked to make sure Brook's medication had come with him – he wondered why the bag was wet.
Law wiped his hands on his shorts. "There was an unfortunate drowning incident – this is all Goku was able to save."
Sanji figured Luffy had come along with Zoro and fell into a ditch, or something. What irritated the hell out of him was Zoro relying on Luffy to hold onto anything properly. What mattered was that Law had done this favor for him despite the obvious awkwardness of it all. He understood he couldn't avoid Zoro forever.
Then he realized what Law had said. "Who is 'Goku'?"
Law looked at him impatiently so Sanji hurried added, "Thank you."
"It's no problem. I found out he's a 'Cheers' fan," Law said, sitting on the bed with a tired sigh.
Sanji wasn't sure how he felt about his ex and potential getting along. In the long run, it might be a lovely idea. On another, it was weird to think that they could bond over the subject of him. Hell, in the future, they could possibly become best friends after Sanji screwed Law over, too. He rubbed Brook's heaving sides with his hands, the dog licking his face and nuzzling against his chest.
Law looked at Sanji once he registered the silence. "Was that weird?"
"A lot of things are," Sanji said slowly. "Because…well, I mean, it's great that you can talk and be the go-between but…the point is, both of you know what my dick tastes like, so…it's weird."
Law wondered with stark realization that this was a perfect plotline for a show – the thing was, no one was competing. And it wasn't as if Sanji was trying to pick either one of them for affection. But it still felt like one.
"It's…nothing I'd imagined myself ever participating in," he said slowly, fumbling for the right words, "but now that I am in it, looking at it from the outside, it's not as if this were a competition when the players have already declared their loss."
Sanji frowned at him. "Right," he said just as slowly, "but…for example, if you fell in love with one of Penguin's exes and you two still got along but both of you already knew the planes of his ex-lover's valleys…"
Law frowned thoughtfully. "What's wrong with knowing charted territory?"
Sanji sighed impatiently, realizing that Law couldn't relate to this without having it compared to something of a show of his. "It's like Mike hooking up with Sammi despite knowing Ronnie's been all over that!"
"I guess I see what you're saying but…this is for Brook and not you," Law reminded him, playing with one of the dog's ears. Brook looked at him with a light 'woof!', stubby tail wagging.
"Yeah…I know, but…I'd just prefer you weren't friends with him. Just…keep it civil."
After fiddling with the light markings around Brook's face, Law looked at Sanji once more. "You've been thinking again…"
Sanji sighed noisily, still patting the bed for the ring. "I know I need to put a resolution on this but I…I can't just put it on the back stop and say 'oh well!'. This is years of being together with one person! I know it's done, I know neither of us has feelings for the other, I know that - !"
"I think it's important to remember that life does go on."
"Yeah, I know, those ridiculous shows you made me watch shows me that people can change but…that took years, Law."
"At the risk of sounding like a jerk, how long has it been since either of you properly loved each other? Wasn't it long dead before this?"
Sanji felt irritation rip through him, but Law was right. "Ugh…I know, you're right, I just…things are so hard. I just feel that I don't know what I'm doing. I want to move on, but I know I'm not going to do it right - !"
"I wouldn't know if you're doing it right, either," Law said skeptically.
Sanji looked at him with consideration.
"But it's your company I want, so…isn't that enough?"
Put that way, Sanji felt something inside of him give a little. A smile tugged at his lips. "I guess so…"
The older man thinned his lips, playing with the duvet for a few moments before retrieving the ring Sanji had been looking for. Sanji took it from him before he could get a closer look at it.
"I want to get rid of it," he mumbled. "To cover some of the bills I have being married to him. My credit took a steep dive because of things I hadn't yet paid for…I hadn't realized how deep in debt I am."
"Marriage is expensive."
"I have credit cards to pay off – he has everything, but…half of my name is in that stuff. I just…can't…leave. Clean. This thing will put a chip into that."
"Then work on it slowly. Meanwhile," Law said, rising from the bed, "I remembered that I bought Killer Clowns from Outer Space that we haven't yet watched."
"Law."
Sanji waited for the man to look at him. He said gently, "I want to return Brook. Not right now," he interrupted himself to say as he was given twin looks of horror, "but when it's time…I'll take him."
Relaxing as Brook struggled to get down onto the floor and being helped by Sanji, Law said, "Okay. That's good."
Sanji struggled to add on what he wanted to say. But saying it felt much harder than he imagined. Law realized that he was trying to finish a new sentence and tried to guess for him.
"Poop?"
"NO! Come with me?"
"Ah. At that time?"
"Yes. Mostly…they know, now. Right? He knows. So…it'd feel…wrong if I kept hiding the fact that we have this…unlabeled thing."
Law felt a hot rush of excitement and nervousness fly through him. It wasn't as if they were some secret, but to know that he was being formerly introduced as, well, Sanji's unlabeled thing – it was as close as he'd been to a relationship since high school. Adult relationships had been so complicated to start that it hadn't gone past basic awkward dates so this…this was a definite thing. He fiddled with his hands nervously while Sanji looked like he was dreading it.
"Do I dress up for this?" Law asked, Sanji looking at him with confusion.
"No. Just…be yourself," Sanji said tentatively, realizing that Law was taking this with a scary amount of feeling to it. He had to backpedal. "I mean, they know, right? They already know, so it's not like…I'm introducing you, or…they're not my family."
His words fell heavy at that. They were his family. Zoro and their friends were all the family he'd had since he'd left his biological one. He felt his eyes burn a little, looking down at Brook to hide his sudden emotions. Law didn't see this, already anticipating the visit with some anxiousness.
When the day came, Sanji found his stomach twisted with anxiety. Would this turn out like the last time at the restaurant? Or would it not turn into such a big deal? All they were doing was returning Brook, meeting Zoro at the park. But he felt like he was walking back into something incredibly disastrous because he intended on making it known that he was not going to hide Law. Let his former friends' speculation turn into a confirmation. They had a 'thing', but it wasn't a relationship.
"Friends with benefits, and not just the sexual kind," Law had assured him, managing to look away from some Housewives' show. They were in the middle of screaming at each other while husbands looked lost.
It's not just friends, Sanji had thought awkwardly. We're more than that.
"Is that what you'd call it?" he'd asked.
Law had shrugged. "I don't know about these types of things, but it looks fun."
Sanji had looked from him to the screen, then scowled. "After everything that has happened already, this sort of thing is appealing? Drama and excitement?"
Law had looked back at him with concern. "Was I too excited about that aspect? I really haven't lived a normal life…I'm grasping at the chance, now."
Sanji had wanted to smack him because from any other person he'd take it personally but Law was his friend. They were close. They survived some shit. So he was pretty sure Law was only saying this because he was nervous about it, too. So he let it slide with a throw pillow to the face.
Brook happily examined a few flower boxes and some strangers' feet – shying away whenever attention was brought his way. His inverted feet were already scraping heavily at the pavement so Sanji picked him up, the dog whining with disappointment. They sat at a bench, Sanji smoking without regard to the sign nearby. Law noticed how tense the man was, knowing that anything he said wouldn't help until the moment came and went. Brook licked at Sanji's hairy chin before pulling out of his arms to sit by himself, panting heavily.
Law reached out and patted Sanji's back for support. Sanji automatically tensed because was show of affection okay at this point? But he had to remind himself that he was not married, that what he was doing wasn't wrong. He looked at Law apologetically. But he couldn't bring himself to touch him back, limbs heavy with apprehension. Law had no idea Sanji was going through this anxiety – his attention was on Brook, who looked so goofy and yet so happy sitting by himself; like a big dog. Once Sanji saw that the older man's attention was not on him but latched onto the animal next to him, he felt a wall start to crumble. Mostly because Law was so clueless that it felt like Sanji was making a big deal out of nothing.
He ended up reaching out and grabbing Brook's medication from Law's grasp to get his attention. "I'm right here."
"Sorry," Law apologized clumsily. "But he's so happy with being ugly that it hurts me inside. It might be love."
"You're so dumb, it hurts me inside."
Brook barked excitedly down the sidewalk, tail wagging wildly as he perched at the edge of the bench. Sanji saw that it was Zoro with Nami and Luffy, carrying fast food containers and looking hungover as hell.
I should've thought of that, Sanji thought regretfully.
Law chuckled. "Apparently, they were more nervous than you."
"Keep your leg to yourself," Sanji advised sharply, rising from the bench to face them while Law looked down at his lap to make sure everything was still in his shorts. Sanji felt tense as he crossed his arms tightly, looking for trouble that was sure to happen. He left the bench to meet them halfway, in case any of them tried to cause any problems.
He is so cute, Law thought with amusement, reaching out to pat Brook assuredly. Like an uptight mother at a kiddie park, watching out for danger.
Nami shifted away once Zoro approached Sanji, both men bristly and tense while Luffy spotted Brook. He wobbled over on unsteady legs while Nami took a seat aside of Law, fluffing out her hair.
"He was nervous about this because Sanji wouldn't talk to him," Nami explained to Law airily, snapping her gum noisily. The woman with a low cut shirt and even smaller shorts made Law nervous. Mostly because he'd already seen her in action once – plus she reminded him of Jersey Shore's Angelina; an instigator with nothing to do. "One thing led to another and boom – we're seventeen minutes late because this guy had to throw up a few times."
"I'm not immune to alcohol like you guys are," Luffy accused her, patting Brook clumsily. He ended up pulling the dog from the bench so that Brook could scamper over to his owners. He took the seat Brook abandoned. "I did not know we were out that long! You never open the curtains during the day time!"
"Because it's boring if there's no one around to see me," Nami replied with a sniff.
"I am surprised at how wide awake I am," Luffy said, gripping his own shirt tightly with a horrified look.
"My name is Nami," she said, looking at Law with one manicured hand out. He took it cautiously – her grip was surprisingly firm. "Zoro doesn't seem to know yours."
"After all this time?" Law asked with amazement.
"The thing is, pumpkin, Sanji never mentioned it, either."
Law shrugged in response. Then introduced himself formerly. It was interesting to see how her face and attitude changed in reaction while Luffy looked at Law with interest.
"So when you say 'heart surgeon'," he said slowly, "that means you fix hearts?"
"Duh," Law said as Nami frantically adjusted her shirt and fluffed out her hair, adjusting the sparkling jewelry around her neck and ears.
Luffy then grinned. "So you fixed Sanji's! That's great!"
Did I? Law thought wondrously, looking to the other man. He and Zoro were speaking quietly, but with intense expressions. Like they were moments from busting out the fists once more – the other two didn't seem very concerned about it.
"A surgeon!" Nami exclaimed with delight, her tone different from before. "So, you guys must be living in a big house! With a yard – where's your car?"
As she scanned the parking area, Law looked at her skeptically. "No. We live in an apartment controlled by gangsters with rent that hadn't changed within the last fifteen years. We rent or use Uber, the bus. Shop at Walmart for underwear. Argue over who has to pay the tip at the restaurants. It's not as glamourous as you think."
Nami looked at him with shock.
"That's if we get underwear at all," Law added. "I bought mine from Sears before they went under. On sale from the clearance bin."
"But…medical professionals roll in the dough - !"
"In this city? Most are lucky to be able to pay for their Starbucks habits. If those gangsters wanted me to work in the back alley to pay rent, I'd probably have to take it. Not because I'm in fear of my life, but because Netflix upped their monthly charges."
Nami looked crestfallen while Law thought about it, rubbing his chin.
"Of course, if it ever came to it," he mused, "I'd have to trick my roommate of one of his kidneys to continue paying my cable bill. He's healthier than I."
"You can't do that to Sanji," Luffy said with some shock.
"I would. I'd hate to miss a season of 'Insatiable'."
Nami frowned at him while Luffy proceeded to look outraged. "Okay, this is why Zoro says you're a weirdo. Luffy, don't take him seriously. Zoro was right – this guy is weird."
Law gave the sidewalk a pouty frown. "But I am serious."
"And because you're 'serious', I can't take you seriously! Rich people laze around in sales bins to appear approachable – I was for certain that this was the case! I thought Sanji had leveled up!"
"His power rating is absurdly high already," Law said skeptically.
Luffy gave a nervous laugh. "Were you able to see that through your scouter?"
"When I first met him, it was over 9,000," Law answered cautiously, to which Luffy laughed again.
"Zoro was so mad when you called him 'Goku'! He doesn't watch anime, he doesn't know shit about it!"
Law looked relieved, finding some similar ground while Nami just looked disgusted.
"I think we can be good friends," Luffy said seriously, nodding.
Nami sighed, glancing over at the pair that had Brook sitting between them, whining nervously through words that she couldn't hear. Disappointed that Law was no one she could truly relate to, she had to tune out the conversation in order to save her sanity. She couldn't hear what the pair was saying, but she hoped with all her heart it was a resolution.
As the three were talking on the bench, Zoro immediately approached Sanji. "All these things I've been trying to tell you were apologies," he said low. "Those things aren't things you want to hear?"
"First off, jack-ass, I don't need to talk to you if I don't feel like it," Sanji returned tersely. "And I didn't. I didn't feel like talking to you after all that shit."
"So, not even an apology is something you need from me?"
"There were years, dipshit, between us that ended up being lies. On both our ends," Sanji quickly amended once Zoro started to speak up. "It was a lot to sort through. I'm still dealing with that."
"In the end, it's over."
"It is," Sanji agreed with a short nod. "All of it. But…I don't think apologies are needed at this point. Because…both of us fucked it up. Right?"
Zoro shrugged.
"So apologizing is pointless."
"You never could apologize, that's just what I wanted to point out."
"Apologize for what?"
Zoro recognized drawing the subject up was pointless. It was only building more conflict. So he had to let it go.
"Everything is over and done with," he said slowly, "and…I get that both of us are dealing with shit – uncomfortable shit. But the point is – we're done. So any argument that comes up between us has to be something unrelated to it."
Sanji nodded to agree. He held out the new bag of medication. "Don't let Luffy carry this stuff again."
"It was a mistake. I wasn't thinking. But…he's fine, right?"
"It sucks that I can't take him to see his doc, but you need to do everything right and careful and not give any of Brook's vital medication to the care of that idiot over there."
Zoro nodded. "Maybe…I can fix that."
"With how deep in debt I am, I can't," Sanji said regretfully. "So you'll have to do this on your own."
"What's that supposed to mean? You work, right?"
"I get paid minimum fucking wage, asshole. For now," Sanji added. "I'm working my way up from the ground."
"Then that guy's taking care of everything, isn't he?"
"You overheard our conversations before. Obviously not. He might be a doc, but it's not the picture that you think. He has his issues to pay for, too."
Zoro glanced over as Brook bounded their way. "I don't know, looks like he's getting better."
"He is. He's doing great."
After acknowledging the old dog that pushed against his leg, Zoro straightened up, arms crossed tightly over his chest.
"You love him?"
Sanji scowled at him. "I don't believe in that, anymore. You ruined it for me."
Zoro sighed impatiently. "Just because I fucked it up doesn't mean you have to fuck it up with someone else."
"Don't talk to me like you're giving me some sound advice!"
"I'm just saying - !" Zoro said with frustration, hands to his hair with brief clenches, "I don't care if you do! I don't care that you moved on! All I'm saying is shit that only you can take because despite this shit, we know each other, right?"
"…right."
"Then don't either of us have an opinion? If it needs to be said, it should be said without thinking that we're trying to make each other jealous, or – or – "
"I just don't want you commenting on what I'm doing, and I'll do the same!"
"Everything isn't a fucking fight, Sanji! I'm not trying to make this into a fight! All I'm saying is that I…despite my reservations…support that you've moved on," Zoro finished, Brook whining at the slow rise of their voices, the tension growing between them. Sanji couldn't help but cross his arms tightly once more, his face heavy with a scowl.
"It feels weird hearing you say that," he mumbled. "It feels weird because it doesn't seem right."
"You have, right? Don't fucking lie, I know it already. Don't say shit like 'we're just friends' because you're not! Just admit it. Admit it to me, admit to yourself! Lying to yourself isn't doing anybody any good!"
"It's not that I'm lying, it's just that I'm not saying because I know I'll fuck this up, too! Yeah, I am, yeah, I have a thing with my roommate – "
"Yeah, you're screwing it up already," Zoro interrupted with a disgusted look while Sanji glared at him. "Pretending it's something it's not – hey, at least you're doing this early in rather than years later."
"Fuck you, you miserable piece of - !"
"I didn't come out here to start a fight!" Zoro exclaimed, as if reminding himself. "All I wanted to say was I'm sorry, good for you, and if you wanted to help take over on Brook's doctor visits. That's all I wanted to say! I don't care that you moved on, I don't care what you do or how you do it – just – we're not a big part of each other's lives, anymore, so neither of us has any say on what the other does. I didn't come out here to argue and fight with you."
Sanji huffed, forcibly reining in his response. He had to wonder if they could get along amicably when it seemed like every time they ran into each other, they fought. But then again…this was their relationship. Everything was an argument. Everything had been a back and forth snap with a competitive edge. Each of them wanted to be someone the other could follow. He vaguely recognized that this was not the relationship he had with Law, with both of them sharing a lead.
What he had with Law right now was different – uncharted territory. Unfamiliar grounds. But both of them seemed to walk safely, amicably, compromising and sharing without argument. The situation he had with the older man suddenly told him he couldn't mess this up in the way that he had with Zoro because it wasn't the same.
He ended up glancing back at the three at the bench. Nami looked glum while Luffy chatted a mile a minute with wide gestures and laughter while Law looked vaguely lost and awkward.
After some reluctance, he said, "Yes, I have a relationship with my roommate."
"From the start?"
"No, you bastard. It was…eventual."
Zoro gave a reluctant expression, but the question that had persisted the most in his thoughts finally seemed agreeable to the insisted answer. Not like it mattered in any way, now. He saw that this was only his own miserable search for something that felt like a useless anchor. Brook whined at their feet, pawing at Sanji's shoes while looking up at Zoro; as if the dog wanted them to stop fighting.
"Then act like it," Zoro ended up mumbling.
"It feels weird," Sanji mumbled back, a bit of shame in his face to admit that. "I feel guilty about it."
"That's your own shit to sort out. I just want this over and done with so that the next time we talk about Brook, it's not some stupid shit."
A part of Sanji wanted to demand why Zoro didn't care – but then he told himself that was just an old part of himself that should be dead just like his marriage. Another part of Sanji was relieved because what was between them was dead and it was fine to move on. To remove the label and insert a new one. Then he had to think about how he would feel if Zoro found someone else – a large part of him would feel relieved about it. He realized he was just searching for permission to have something, and wondered why he needed it.
Old things lingering inside of him had to be put to rest.
"Right," he murmured. "Well…with that said, no more stupid messages from you. I don't want to hear apologies. I don't want to acknowledge anything personal – but things like our debt and – "
"Ah, right," Zoro said with a tired sigh. "Yeah, that's important."
"I will gladly pay for my half, I just need the information…of course, I'm going to have a hard time paying it with what I already have…"
"I guess it can't be helped. But it's a lot of legal shit that just needs a good eye to sort through. Robin was already working on it, but…things were going in one ear and out the other at the time."
"Maybe I can talk to her about it myself – "
"That's fine, I'll just give her your number. You guys just tell me what I have to pay."
Sanji frowned at him again, seeing the relief on Zoro's face. The man often shied away from small print because he didn't have the patience to read it; he'd often relied on Sanji to just 'handle it' for him. Brook wagged his tail with a hopeful expression, having never looked away from either of them. His attention was devoted on them both.
Awkwardly, Sanji realized he had nothing more to say. But it felt like a weight off his chest, now. At least they talked – at least major things were covered. It was still tense, but it was over.
Zoro was frowning uncomfortably with having come to the same conclusion. He looked over to seeing Luffy laughing uproariously while the other two looked fairly traumatized. Brook leaned against his leg with a heavy sigh while Sanji crouched to pet him, assuring him.
"Everyone knows," Zoro said vaguely, "so no point hiding it, now."
"It was a thing until I decided what I wanted to do with it," Sanji mumbled.
"It's just really weird," Zoro said with a frown, "because he's not your typical snack."
"You'd know what those were?" Sanji replied snottily.
"Duh, I lived with you for years! Like I'm blind to the way you oogled other men when you thought I wasn't looking!"
"I didn't 'oogle' - !"
"It doesn't matter because it didn't bother me," Zoro added with discomfort. "But I'm glad that…this is settled. After everything. I don't know if we'd all get along, but...everyone else would be happy if you were around, again."
"It's just too weird right now. Like, I wanted it but…to come back around when I'm with someone else – "
"I mean, it is, but…now he gets to deal with your shit. Not me. We're in debt because of you, so…I'm glad to pass on the torch."
Sanji scowled up at him as Zoro walked away, heading towards the bench. Brook looked to Sanji, tail wagging slightly before snorting, following after the other man. After some moments, Sanji followed.
They ended up eating at a pet friendly restaurant down the street. Law was nervous because he was being included; because his eating habits, while improved, were nowhere like the others'. Sanji just looked uncomfortable, but the three of them carried most of the conversation where it was only about their other friends and what they were doing. Zoro just ate like he hadn't eaten before, keeping his mouth stuffed so that he didn't have to contribute.
By the time they returned home without Brook, both of them felt drained. Bepo was already in the process of his escaping his new tank, watching them from the lid as he eased out. Law retrieved him while Sanji sank onto the couch, feeling emotionally wrung out. Turning on the tv, Law sat atop of him because Sanji didn't want to move.
Placing Bepo onto his shoulder, Law found a favored daytime soap while Sanji frowned at the television – only slightly inconvenienced by the man sitting atop of his back.
"That wasn't so bad," Law said with relief. "Once you gave that kid a topic, he made the most of a conversation so I didn't have to say anything."
"Awkward as fuck," Sanji mumbled into the cushion.
"It was," Law agreed, "but it felt much different than before. More amicable. I don't understand why you're so unhappy."
"Mostly because it was awkward as fuck. But," Sanji said with a sigh, rising up and having Law fall away from him, "it's over. All of it. I can contact Robin and get to settling my debts."
After straightening up, Law took over on his favored spot on the couch. Instead of walking away with his thoughts with mindless puttering around the apartment, Sanji retrieved a pillow and set it over Law's lap. He relaxed with the length of him taking over the rest of the couch. He listened to the older man's stomach settle with the light meal he'd ate while people spoke in verbal italics from the screen. Bepo watched Sanji with a stern expression while Law followed the storyline with a concentrative frown - he realized minutes later Sanji was sleeping, face turned towards him with his arms crossed tightly over his chest.
He played with the man's hair, still focused on the television. It didn't occur to him until another show later that Sanji had mentioned the pair of them as 'we' and none of them batted an eye. Sanji had established them in front of his ex-husband and friends as a pair and Law was just a little disappointed that no dramatics followed.
Not that he'd want them to – but it would have been funny to see the chaos.
What was odd was that none of them had a problem with it – not like last time. They just seemed to accept and move on without any lingering resentment.
It was over, he realized. Maybe this thing could have a label. He thought about how cool it would sound casually mentioning that he had a boyfriend. He never used the word, before, so now it had the same hot ping! as it had when he'd had a girlfriend in high school. He felt giddy about it, actually. Not that he'd blast it to the world because it was a shaky matter in his profession, but to Penguin and Shachi and Bepo once he had a moment alone with his lizard. To any lingering 'bugs' in the living room so that Rocinante knew that this was a real thing.
He could reject potentials by saying "I have a boyfriend."
It was exciting to think about. He was pretty sure he'd end up telling it to the cashiers at the gas station or the cafeteria ladies unnecessarily because having the opportunity to say it hadn't always been his.
He pet Sanji's head and continued watching television with a slight smile on his face.
: :
Sanji was suspicious when he walked into the apartment after work one evening. Seeing the collection of candles on the counter – unlit – made Sanji feel tired. All those swirling feelings about taking their thing/relationship to the next level built in his gut like hot, angry bubbles as he ventured towards the bathroom, expecting all the things he'd mentioned the day they started messing around. He wasn't sure if he could do it just yet – considering the applications, it was going to be a big step. A very big one that required abusive amounts of wine and adventurous gusto that he didn't have just yet.
Of course, neither of them had discussed it – Law was literally going with the flow. It never occurred to Sanji that they would have to actually talk about it, having assumed that Law just knew.
"Law," he said tiredly before spotting the man in his room, looking through what looked like a CD case. He ended up glancing into his bathroom, expecting to see a bubble bath and flowers and the works - but it was empty and dark. He headed back to Law's room, the other man standing from his bed.
"What are you doing?" Sanji asked curiously.
"You okay?" Law asked with some concern, but Sanji could see he looked a little guilty.
Seeing that Law wasn't pressuring him into something his heart wasn't fully into just yet, Sanji had to shrug. "I'm fine. What's...what's going on here?"
"I ended up taking a trip down memory lane today," Law said, picking up what looked like a CD player, headphones still attached. He held up a couple of scratched CDs. "I ended up finding these. One album is from R. Kelly, pre-piss days. The other is a collection of songs that someone made for me."
Sanji had to admit he was curious. He set down his phone onto the bed, taking the latter CD from Law's skinny finger. The titles were written in bubbly letters, with hearts dotting the i's.
"Were these your make out tunes?" he asked with a sneer.
Law chuckled. "Yeah, actually. I listened to the entire album, remembering everything."
Sanji frowned at him. How dare he do that, he thought rather childishly.
"Is this before your time?" Law asked. "Do you know who Brandy is? Aaliyah?"
"I am five years younger than you!"
"Anyway, since I was revisiting memory lane," Law continued, sitting down onto the bed, "I thought I'd rewatch movies from that time period. I have them lined up. Want to watch them with me?"
Surprised that Law wasn't pressuring him despite the obvious signs on the kitchen counter, Sanji just stared at him.
Law frowned up at him. "I hope you're not thinking I wanted to push things after last night."
Sanji briefly remembered that a good night kiss had turned into sloppy hand jobs that ended up making a mess on the couch. He'd left Law with instructions to clean while he was away. "Well according to my generation, we must do it until our balls are empty."
Law shuddered. "Give me a few days."
Sanji sighed; not with any irritation, but because it had been a tiresome day and his mood was teetering on the negative side. One part of him wanted a fight started because he felt restless; another part of him wanted alone time to reflect on building debt issues. He instead settled on the bed while Law inserted fresh batteries into the CD player.
"We need to talk about specifics before – "
"Hold that thought. JNCO jeans are still on my mind and I'd honestly want to keep thinking about them."
Sanji furrowed his brow, unsure of what those were and why they were more important than sex. But he was so flummoxed for words that he ended up biting his tongue, despite irritation lighting his veins with his urge to fight.
"Here." Law offered him the left side of his headphones so Sanji settled up against the headboard. "Don't make fun of me until after. But back in my day, these were serious confession jams."
"Are you planning on confessing to me?" Sanji asked as Law settled aside of him with what looked like an old Vibe magazine. He pushed play.
"Read between the lines, loser."
Sanji was amused at how much the CD skipped. Law ended up swiping through his phone while music played with poor quality at their ears. Crickets sounded out somewhere, but their sound was muffled. Being in this room with the other man, dropping back into Memory Lane, Sanji found himself relaxing and warming up to the thought of messing around for a bit. It was weird how he could be soothed from his negative mood to a lighter one with just a few old props and a man that was either really clueless or just that relaxed. He ended up with his head resting on Law's shoulder, comforted by the smell and feel of him as he browsed through the internet with random searches that made absolutely no sense to Sanji. It was so much different from being with Zoro – both of them would have been at each other's throats by now; either physically or verbally. But he had to reflect how calm he was in this relationship; peaceful even. Not in any stretch 'boring', but it gave him a feeling of being at home. An odd feeling to have, considering how short of a time it had been since he was forcefully removed from the one he'd made with the other man.
So many things had been resolved since then. So much to a point where he and Zoro could talk without arguing over stupid shit, and where Sanji could sit on a bench while his ex and current man could talk about how it was easier to clip Brook's nails with an unknown brand of clippers compared to an actual groomer's. A surreal moment to reflect on…
Sanji ended up teasing Law over a few titles - Law blushed and said nothing in response. Eventually he sheepishly confessed he'd made the CD for a girl that ended up rejecting him because he was "skinnier" than her. Sanji didn't know how it happened, but he found himself making out with the man while Boyz II Men played in the background.
He was on his back with the man aside of him; they'd touch each other lightly, hands moving without rush to various places; mouths leaving behind marks that could easily be hidden behind clothes. Eventually Sanji forgot about the events of his day; he was focused on the feel of Law's goatee scraping over his skin, the feel of his fingers against his scalp, the taste of his mouth on his tongue. He was engulfed in the scent of the other man; how it seemed to permeate Sanji's senses even after he left him to go retrieve tissue.
Law was still self-conscious about himself, completely clothed aside from a missing sock - Sanji was surprised he'd lost most of his clothes. I'm such an idiot, he thought with irritation, sticky hand to his forehead. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it okay to feel happy?
Law returned with tissue and wet wipes and they resumed where they left off. Sanji was surprised that Law had the confidence to do these things with him. He'd expected a completely different act from the older man; maybe some doubt, hesitation, some reluctance; but he was all hands and mouth and enthusiasm.
Sanji respected his request to leave his shirt in place; but he touched where he was allowed. He nibbled at Law's painfully protruding collarbone, licked at his tight jawline, sucked on his fingers. Used the advantage to play with his dick, to draw patterns on his own thigh with the beads of moisture that dripped from it. Law sucked on his earlobes, caused him to pant with the touch of his tongue in his ear. Sanji played with his balls, showed him where it felt good, taught him how to touch him in the way he liked. Law played with his pubes, showed Sanji where he liked to be kissed, drew the cook's hands over his body over his shirt. They talked about past hook-ups and shared horror stories.
By the time either of them realized the time, it was early morning. It was surprising how time flew by just being this way with each other.
Was this alright? Sanji wondered sleepily. When was it okay to feel "all right"?
"Why are you still thinking?" he heard Law ask from his side of the bed.
Sanji was startled at his question. But the guilt came back, leaving him feeling upset. They had a good evening - why was he ruining this?
"I'm afraid to be happy," he eventually confessed.
Law thought about his answer. "I see," he then said quietly. Sanji couldn't tell what his tone was - hard to see his face in the dark. He sat up to look over at him, eyes heavy with sleeplessness.
"I want to be, but...do I deserve it?"
Law understood that Sanji still felt a certain way about things - but he also understood that the younger man felt a certain way about him. In the dark of the room, Sanji wanted to be happy with him, but the ghosts of his past were too strong. These negative beings would haunt him until enough time had passed for Sanji to forget.
Realistically, Law wondered if he had that much time himself.
"Yes," he answered slowly. "Both of us do."
He felt Sanji's hand on him, touching his shoulder lightly. He reached up to grasp it, entwining their fingers. He could feel the stickiness between his fingers - a combined result of their earlier activities. Which told Law they still had so much to do.
"Promise me," Sanji said low, forehead against the back of Laws arm, "promise me you'll say something once you start losing interest in me. Please tell me you don't love me before I start loving you."
"Sanji, are you drunk?" Law asked with concern. "Because who are you talking to?"
"I just - I need to be told these things. I can't go through that again," Sanji said tightly. "I can't - do this without -!"
Law rolled onto his back. He couldn't really see the other man in the dark, but he could tell Sanji wasn't alright. "All I ask in return is that you have patience with me," he said, tightening his grip on his fingers. "When I don't want to listen to the voice of reason, when I don't want to do what's right. I just need you to be here, like you are, like you have been and just...be understanding."
Sanji's fingers tightened on Law's.
"Let's just be happy together," Law said low. "Like we have been. Let's not worry about things like, 'Do I deserve this or that' when it's fairly obvious being here together means something already. Instead of thinking what happened, let's look forward to What's Next?"
"I know, I know, I just-!" Sanji exhaled noisily. "I'm scared."
Law understood. A part of him understood that Sanji was feeling this way because his feelings were growing for Law - another part of him felt relieved that Sanji could express these things to fit both of them. He felt scared himself. He had many insecurities that caused him to want to back up but this seemed to cause an opposite effect. The fact that Sanji was feeling scared was because he had genuine feelings for Law, and this was a good thing.
He pulled the man into his arms - relieved when Sanji hugged him back. The smell of his hair - cigarettes and greasy food - made him inhale deeply of it. Made him hungry. His stomach growled and Sanji's hands immediately went to it.
"Let me feed you," he said low, causing Law a shiver.
In the kitchen, Law immediately looked at the candles and as he was setting out ingredients for breakfast, Sanji looked at him with a question building on his tongue.
"I was growing aware to the fact that," Law lowered his voice to a whisper, "that Bepo sort of stinks. So I thought burning these would help."
Sanji tried not to set his frying pan down with anger. He was annoyed that he wasn't the man's first thought but at the same time, stifling his annoyance probably wouldn't help them as a pair.
"Oh," he said with his back turned towards him, "I thought you were just readying yourself for the next step."
He wasn't aware of the expression Law made then – the older man knew exactly what he was doing but he was treading cautiously because it seemed to him that Sanji wasn't ready for the next step. So he had only been testing the waters. He felt clumsy having to explain that. He was aware that sex between men wasn't the same as women but wasn't sure of the mechanics. After all, PornHub told him that guys just entered the backdoor and that was it. Quite aware that the mechanics were different, he just thought that this situation would be similar.
"I wouldn't know how to approach that topic correctly," he said slowly. "My curiosity is peaked but you also mentioned being drunk to do it, so…"
"Now that we're on the topic," Sanji said, a touch too eagerly as he turned to face him, Law feeling as awkward as a teenager being addressed on the topic of sex, "it isn't just push in and go, you know. I volunteered to being bottom because I am already comfortable with it. It takes a lot of preparation beforehand if you don't want to have a mess on your hands."
Law could just imagine. Frankly, his libido crashed. "What kind of preparation?" he had to ask, aware that he was in for a biology lesson. Sanji gave it to him frankly. By the end of his speech, he had food cooking and Law looked a little bothered.
Sanji braced himself against the counter to frown at him. "You're a heart surgeon. Why does it gross you out?" he asked.
To demonstrate, Law used a rolling pin against a circle created with his thumb and index finger. Sanji had to laugh.
"I'm aware of it! That's why I told you, it has to be a special night! But if you're volunteering, then…"
"I mean, I'm not against the thought. I trust you to know what you're doing. But I think I need a little more…motivation," Law said slowly, crinkling his brow.
"Some guys are just more prepared than others," Sanji said with a shrug.
"It's not that I don't want to. But…I suppose when we're both ready, then I'm sure there will be plenty of time beforehand to decide."
"It gets easier."
"This is almost like a consultation before a procedure."
"Once it happens, I'm sure it'll happen again and again."
"I'm excited for that," Law said, sitting at the counter with hands folded. "I like the sound of that because it's part of the future."
Sanji looked at him once more. After a few moments, he had to chuckle.
"What?"
"I just…never had such a mature conversation about this," Sanji said, laughing nervously. "You're something else."
Law really hoped that was a good thing.
God, please don't make me mess this up, Sanji thought, hiding his expression.
"It's okay to be happy," Law said quietly. "I just feel that you aren't allowing yourself to be."
"Are you fucking psychic, now?"
"Sometimes I think you're upset and not saying why. So I'm wondering if this is the same type of resentment that built in your – "
"It's not that I don't say anything, it's just – are you going to hear it? Are you actually going to sit there and listen to me being irritated and upset and being insecure? I just want you to fucking like me so you can forget what I'm really like."
Law frowned at him. "I think you forget that I've seen you lounging in the rock bottom of your lowest point. Why can't you just…be yourself?"
Sanji sighed heavily because Law was right and he wasn't exactly sure why he was feeling so agitated. He dished him up a plate, depositing it in front of him. Then leaned over the counter while Law examined the hot dish, the brilliant array of colors assuring him that this meal was healthy and the cook behind it hadn't left any sloppy details. The voices in his head were softer, now. They allowed him to pick up a fork to spear a tomato and they were fine with tasting the sharp tang of its juice, to be accompanied with a light array of carbs and proteins that were forgivable.
He ate slowly while waiting for an answer.
"You're right on that point," Sanji said tiredly, wiping his face with both hands. "I don't know why I'm holding back. All I did was talk shit in the beginning."
"You were a rude motherfucker."
"I just…" Sanji trailed off because he didn't know what to say. He watched Law as he ate. Months ago, the man wouldn't even touch half of the things on his plate. Months ago, he was looking at a living skeleton – now he was looking at a man in the process of recovery, and it really filled him with pride to know that Law had come a long way from that.
Law noticed he'd trailed off and looked at him with consideration. After chewing, he said, "What?"
"I don't know how to finish my sentence. Just…it's all a blank."
"Whatever, Sanji. Just say you want matching buttholes and be done with it."
Sanji chuckled. "That is romantic."
"We're not a thing, now. At this point. You have my Netflix password."
"Bepo is King exclamation point one one isn't a very strong goddamn password." But Sanji had to agree with him. "This isn't a thing. This is a relationship. But I don't want to marry again. My debts…my name change, it's…such a hassle."
"The subject might change when you seize my tender virginity."
"Might!" Sanji had to laugh.
He put Law's empty plate into the sink before both of them headed back to bed. It would be the first of many empty plates he'd put down as the days progressed.