"Do you feel uncomfortable?"
"This isn't the first time I've done this… these cuffs… and this, I mean."
"I'm sure of it. Please, don't be afraid."
"I'm not. I can trust you. I do trust you. But I gotta ask, why do you do this?"
"I like the pleasure-the thrill. To control people… to take care of them in the midst of all this. It's really that simple."
"Really? The last time someone did this to me, we-"
"Don't, Anna."
"How are you different from them?"
"We'll see…"
"Right… will you… will you take care of me?"
"Don't worry, beautiful… don't be scared. I'm right here. Let me take care of you..."
"Anna…Anna Andersen!"
She blinked out of her daydream-no, it was just a dream of meeting her father. A dream where her father wasn't somebody that Anna wasn't sure if she should hate or love. But perhaps… she really shouldn't be calling him 'father' so soon. He was just a person that existed through her mother's lies.
"W-What?"
Martha sighed in exasperation, her arms crossed. "Are you even listening?" She frowned. "You've been spacing out a lot lately."
Anna groaned, fingers rubbing her forehead. "I-I know. I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten enough sleep. You were saying?"
"I was saying, do you want to meet your father? For real, Anna."
Her body froze. Gods, did she yearn to… she really did want to. But now that her heart had gone through a spiraling mess, she wasn't sure now. Everything was just happening too quickly. Especially, everything that included Elsa. "I… I don't know, Mom. It's just so sudden."
"Look, we'll understand if you don't want to."
It's not that I don't want to…
Anna cleared her throat. "How did you guys even… you know, come up with this? It hasn't even been a month since he was first mentioned."
"We… we've met a couple of times to get some closure, despite what happened between us. He doesn't live too far away, Anna. He had to find me somehow." She seemed a bit flustered. Though, considering everything that she had experienced with Anna, the girl had to be understanding. Or not.
How could her mother meet with the man that had abused her for so long… this quickly? And after what, twenty one years too? The redhead didn't quite want to believe… that perhaps, Martha was still chained to his heart. Anna feared it. She feared that she had become like Martha too. She didn't want to.
Shivers spiraled down her spine at the chilling thought.
"Mom, are you… you know, going to be okay?" she questioned with caution. Oh, the pity in her voice. This was unbearable.
"What? Anna, of course I am, I'm-what..." Silence. Anna had to look away in pain… knowing her mother had realized how weak Anna had thought she was. No, weak was too strong of a word. Perhaps… too trusting.
Huh, how ironic.
"Anna, come sit with me."
She wasn't sure she wanted to hear what her mother had to say, but she reluctantly sat across from her anyway. And she felt nothing but cold when Martha reached for her hand.
"Tell me the truth, Anna, do you hate him?"
The redhead cocked an eyebrow in disbelief and confusion. "Hate him?" She scoffed. "Do I have a reason to-"
"Yes. For forcing us to leave. For… all he's done to me. For abandoning you. Do you hate him?"
She shook her head. What the hell is she… I'm in denial. And for a while, Anna remained silent, her eyes averted away from her mother. Gods, he was just a man that Anna never met. The type of person Martha had always told her to stay away from, and she did. But now? What the fuck.
"Don't you?"
"Honey…"
Anna had always wanted a father… someone that cared deeply for her, as her mother did. And Andrew… Andrew just couldn't provide that love that she needed. She wanted a perfect image of her father. A perfect image…
That was never going to happen.
"What he did to you…" Her heart tightened and just… trying to find the right word to tell her mother, had frightened her. When was there going to a day where everything would go perfectly normal? Ah, she could only wish.
Anna took a deep breath and tightened her grip on Martha's hand. "What he did to you, how could I forgive that? And you lying to me because you wanted me to feel protected? I-I… this isn't normal. He's not normal. You can't just… not hate him after everything."
"I know… I know what you think of him… how he was." Oh no. Anna glared at her, wide-eyed in anger. "But Anna, he's changed-"
"Are you serious?" She quickly snatched her hands off her mother's and got up from her seat. She had to get away. Go somewhere where… both of them just didn't have to look so pathetic.
"Anna-"
"Do you actually think that? That you would be fine for him to come into our life again?"
"You have to see that he's changed, honey. And I know that's not what you want to hear but… this will help me. Help us."
"If that's what you think, I'm most definitely not going to go see him." Her words were quiet and spoken fast… Martha didn't need to see how she was choking up tears.
"Anna, please… he wants to see you-"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE WANTS! You don't understand, don't you?! He abused you when you were about to have me, and you left because of how he was! Now, after twenty one years, and I'm about to graduate college, you suddenly start saying how he's not dead and that you forgive him? No, I-I can't. I need to go."
"Please, Anna! I… I want some closure. I need to forgive him to move on!"
"Is this what you really want? I thought… I thought, all this time, you wanted to just protect me? From him." Anna didn't know what else to say. She never knew Martha would be so… forgiving. So trusting.
Her mother had always been her role model-strong and independent-but this… this wasn't a part of it.
The older woman sighed, shakily. "I… I know, honey. I know. But I have to move on from the past. It's been twenty one years, Anna."
"And in those twenty one years, you left me in the dark."
"Anna-"
"You don't know what I've been through at night to keep us together..."
Martha blinked. "What?"
Anna turned with a sniffle. "I'm going to my room. We'll… talk about this later." After all… she didn't have the strength to anymore.
"Anna, please, listen to me-"
She slammed her door shut, even going to the extent of locking it so that her mother wouldn't come in. Wouldn't have to talk her out of… her thinking. Gods, what the hell was her mother really thinking?
Anna sighed, her back leaning against the door as she looked up to the ceiling. She was… so tired. So tired of surprises-so tired of anyone who did her wrong. And perhaps, she wondered, if she hadn't gone to work as an escort, things wouldn't have been so confusing and heart-wrenching. But then again, how else would she have found Elsa?
She pressed the back of her hand against her teary eyes, gulping down the cries that screamed to escape. Anna was strong… and I need to be strong, for everyone's sake. For Elsa's.
She chuckled bitterly. No, Elsa wouldn't care how strong she was or not… she'd always be there no matter what. Haunting her… having her in chains, whether she liked it or not. And maybe that was quite a heavy way to describe Elsa, but it was only fitting.
Tears streamed down her cheeks quietly, her heart pounding like it would break any second now. She needed someone to be with… to talk to… Elsa…
"Anna? Anna, it's me. Just got back from..." Andrew. He cleared his throat. "I mean… what happened? I heard you two…"
She turned to face the door. "Andrew, stop. I just want to be alone." A dull thud hit the door.
"Martha told you, huh?" Silence. The man sighed. "I know I'm not the best step parent to you, but… you have to respect your mother's wishes. I did, even when I didn't want to."
Anna was tempted to unlock the door. It wasn't Andrew's fault… never was. I'm being stupid. "You don't know him, Andrew, of course you respected her wishes."
"Anna, you don't know him either, despite what your mother says. Maybe he's changed, maybe he hasn't, you'll need to go and see."
"You're not going to convince me." She gritted her teeth. Ah, she was being stubborn again.
"I know I can't. You're an adult, and you can think for yourself. I've been with you ever since you were a child, I know how you're like." He sighed. "If you think this is the best for you…"
She shut her tired eyes."This is."
Gods, even she wasn't sure. Perhaps, just saying it… would make her feel better.
"Alright. But… please, consider it. I don't want you living your life not knowing who your biological father is."
"I can." Gods, she couldn't believe she was acting like such a child. But if this was to get those two to leave her alone about this and let her think… so be it.
"You don't really think that, Anna."
She let out a heavy sigh, dropping her head. This was just getting unnecessarily annoying. "Just… give me some space and let me think about it. Can I do, at least, that?"
Anna could almost see Andrew's big smile gracing his face. "Okay, I'll take that for an answer. I'll leave you alone now. Get some rest."
Get some rest? Anna wanted to curse. It'd been so long since she'd gotten a nice rest. Oh… I wish…
Six missed calls from her mother. But what would be the point of answering her…? What would that do to Anna's heart? Martha would only keep apologizing. She didn't want that shit.
She wanted to be numb-wanted warmth and all that held her tightly together, and only just barely.
The night was so damningly cold, but dancing in front of Elsa… it was getting warmer with each and every stare that rested on her body. By how hard her heart was beating. How her body looked so beautiful in her dark, lusting eyes. How Elsa… wanted nothing more than to play her like a game. Like a toy. But it just wasn't going to be that kind of night. Tonight… Anna just wanted her close to her.
The music blared loudly at the crowds on the dancefloor, and not many today were in their seat, enjoying the show. Not many… were lusting over Anna. Except for her. Especially not her.
Anna could always feel her blue eyes groping her skin.
All alone she was living
In a world without an end or beginning
Baby girl was living life for the feeling
But I don't mind, I don't mind
The redhead stepped off the stage, teal eyes watching Elsa sitting in her seat with a flute of champagne in her hand. A smirk embraced her cheeks… and Anna could not help but try to seduce her-to numb herself. To feel the lust that filled the air like poison… but Anna had been wanting it all along, like a drug. An addiction.
And all the wrongs she committed
She was numb and she was so co-dependent
She was young and all she had was the city
But I don't mind, I don't mind
Coming close, Anna bit her bottom lip, craving… desiring. She reached out with her fingers, running them through Elsa's fringes. Every strand of hair on her body was standing on end, watching her blonde close her eyes, sighing into her touch.
Elsa tilted her head, taking her wrist in her fingers… oh, the touch that left Anna tingling. She wanted. She needed. More, more, more. She felt like fire… vulnerable, helpless, but Elsa was here. Elsa… would control her fire. The woman placed her down her lap, and nothing, nobody could ever control her like how she could.
And I know that she's capable of anything, it's riveting
But when you wake up she's always gone, gone... gone
"You look beautiful."
"Thank you." Anna gaped at her eyes… the way her lips glimmer-how she kissed the skin of her palm with care. Her blue eyes looked nothing like how it was always before. The coldness that had always left Anna trembling with desire. But she looked so sincere. Seductive. Luring. And this was all Anna needed. To feel all of her caressing every inch of her body. To feel the attention.
And just having her here-to numb everything that haunted her life.
The woman lifted her flute to her lips. "Drink?"
Anna couldn't resist and let the blonde tilt the bubbly drink down her dry throat. Alcohol… yes, alcohol was all she needed. And more of this.
A trail of champagne left her lips, dripping down her chin, and Anna could just feel her cold fingers reaching for it. Ah, refreshing.
She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this care. Anna looked into her eyes, staring in awe at the smile she wore. She wasn't sure anymore if this was supposed to be flirting or just… joy and happiness.
No, this wasn't a thought she should be holding onto.
Anna leaned in with eagerness, fingers burrowed in her blonde hair, and she let the pleasure flow through her lips with Elsa's… the gentle breath the woman had let out through this kiss. The sigh. The taste of peppermint and alcohol... It was heaven to feel her against Anna's body-to actually feel fingers loving her with such gentleness. Such control.
Tender fingers trailed up the small of her bare back leaving her trembling, her heart beating with want. She wanted more, and Anna was going to get it.
Her lips fell open, tongue probing the woman's to do the same… and everything was just right because it felt right. Elsa's hands were wandering, exploring her body-her sensitive back, her waist, toned stomach, every inch of me-that had been vulnerable and open to her many, many times. That made Anna feel so divine… so wanted. And it just wasn't ever enough. Never will be.
Her touch made her numb to the whole world… and it was just them together experiencing paradise. Her escape.
And Anna sighed with lust into her lips, shivering and tasting the woman like it was the first time. Like it was the last time. Gods, her heart was racing, her body burning. She wanted her. Fuck, did she want her fingers to punish her heated body… to take her right there and then-
Elsa quickly pulled her back, hand holding the back of her neck like she was a child. One blink. Two blinks. Anna stared in fear-confusion…
But all that was left was an empty expression from Elsa. "What's on your mind?" She questioned fast.
Anna looked away. "W-What?"
"Look at me." A threat. And Anna did with uncertainty. "You don't always act like this." Deep down, Anna knew how much Elsa cared even if she wouldn't show it so quickly. Gods, she was the first to… really see through her acts.
"You don't understand, Elsa…" She could feel the tears that rested on her eyes. The silence was too much between them, and Elsa ran her thumb on her freckled cheek. Like she cared… like she knew. Always knew.
The woman took a deep breath, looking away. "Perhaps, a more quiet place would be suitable. We should go."
Anna was lost and her eyes wandered to Elsa's hand as she was being led across the floor, her fingers entwined with her own. Tightly too so Anna wouldn't run away. She realized how tense she was-even though she wanted nothing more than to relax with Elsa.
Going through the crowd of people filled with smell of alcohol and smoke… Anna was used to it. No, she could even barely notice it when she only had eyes for Elsa. She didn't care who was staring at them-though, she was always cautious of Hans-because she knew Elsa would protect her. Would care for her… even in a way that was completely different from what she wanted.
Elsa closed the door behind them once they entered Anna's dressing room.
Now, this was quiet. Still, no words could be heard… and she watched as Elsa gathered her clothes from the closet. What the hell was she doing? Anna was just slightly confused. Perhaps, just amused.
The woman stood tall in front of her, huffing a breath. "Raise your arms up."
The escort gazed at the shirt in her hands. "I-I can dress myself-"
"Don't say another word. Let me." Shivers ran down her sun-kissed skin… and Anna had to wrap her arms around her naked middle. This was too much.
Anna looked down to the ground. She was so insecure… so doubtful… so broken. She couldn't bear to let Elsa know how she felt, deep down. But as if Anna needed to reveal it all through her words when they were just hanging from her sleeves. She felt fingers caressing her cheek.
"Anna."
She looked up. Elsa was smiling. Actually… smiling. The color on her cheeks, the way her lips stretched ever so softly for her-how am I in love with her?
"Anna, look at me." She looked. Gods, her voice was so soft. "Let me take care of you."
The escort grinned, tiredly. "It's just... so hard not to love you, you know?" She raised her arms for Elsa.
"Why? Legs, please." She leaned against the table, hands to her sides. Elsa slowly lifted her jeans up her legs. Anna didn't quite understand. Why? Why do I love her? She didn't have to answer this, did she?
She eyed those fingers on the button of her jeans, the blue eyes that were staring at her intensely from down below. She could feel her heart skip. How this looked from above… how Elsa would've looked in submission. Fuck. Anna gulped down the guilt that once bestowed her. They shouldn't have to be so secretive.
"Because I just… I just do. Do I need a reason?" she questioned, whispering.
Elsa stood up and her arms were around her waist now. Those caring eyes were all embedded into Anna's mind. The woman breathed out heavily. "I don't want the reason that you seem upset to be me."
Anna scoffed. "I-I… why would I ever be upset with you? I'm not."
"Perhaps, I don't say it enough-"
"N-No, it's not that."
"We should go grab a drink then."
"No-" She grabbed her hand. "Let's just…" I can't go home. Not today. "I-I want to stay over. So we can talk. Do you mind?"
Elsa squeezed her hand. "Will you be alright?"
Anna nearly chuckled. 'Alright'. She wasn't even sure about what that meant anymore. Or perhaps, she was too numb to realize that everything right now… was actually alright. She was so clouded with thoughts that she shouldn't have. So blinded… that she couldn't hear Elsa's words anymore. She shut her eyes. "Yeah… Yeah, I will be."
She heard the woman take a deep breath, could feel Elsa's lips on her forehead. Her fingers running through her hair. Could smell the perfume that she loved ever so much. The comfort that she was feeling… had never been this much before. It was too foreign. Too overwhelming, And Anna learned to take it all in-the only time she wanted to be greedy was to take in Elsa's touch… her words… because it was all that she needed to feel better. It was everything that she needed.
She opened her eyes, and only tears blurred her vision. "I-I… I'll be alright," she whimpered.
And at this moment, she was just a child… a lonely child looking for a path to light. Looking for the love that her father never gave. And she let tears leave her. "Elsa…" She grasped hard onto her hand.
"Let's get you home, Sunshine."
It was already one past midnight when Anna found herself looking out Elsa's window, a hand pressed against the cold glass. The streets were empty, and slowly, little white flakes of snow were drifting down the dark sky ever so freely, melting only when it was met with warmth. But it wasn't… and it wouldn't be for a long time.
She breathed against the window, watching her breath fog the surface in a circle.
She was avoiding her family. Avoiding everything that had come to bite her… and Elsa was her only comfort. But, even then, this comfort had left her filled with uncertainty.
Anna gazed beyond the city and she could only see herself. Oh, her desperate self… her worn out self. The beautiful girl Elsa once saw, just didn't appear in front of her. When will this all be over?
The silence that embraced them as they went home was comforting. With Elsa, she could feel warm… she could feel her hand reaching for her to hold onto. And she took her hand out of desperation. Because she was just at a brink of losing it. At the brink of feeling… broken.
Fuck, was she cracked like someone had dropped her like an unwanted piece of glass. She was barely holding on… barely grasping onto Elsa because she was all she had right now-even if Elsa didn't know it.
"I have whiskey for you, or would you like some water?"
Anna turned to find the blonde smiling ever so sweetly at her with two glasses of alcohol, leaning against her side on the window. Anna stared at beverage. After this week, she just needed… numbing. A lot of it.
"I also have some clothes for you when you sleep… but I doubt you'd wear them."
She took the glass, and without any hesitation, took a huge gulp. Only to feel the burn in her throat as she concealed the coughs that screamed for an escape.
Elsa stared at her. Really, really stared… like she was just observing the girl. The smile she had was gone. Anna turned to her. "W-What?"
Her thumb reached out to the corner of her lips to wipe the liquid. "You were never like this."
Anna looked away because everything that she tried blocking was revealed in her eyes. "I'm okay."
"I never asked if you are."
Silence.
The woman took a deep breath and looked out the window, her hand tugging her tie loose. "I understand that look. I know how you feel." The snow… just kept falling.
Anna twitched. "What do you know about how I feel."
Elsa sipped on her drink. "The look on your face… the way you tried to cover it…" Blue eyes fell on her own. "How you… wanted to feel numb on me-to forget… this is all familiar."
She couldn't possibly understand how I feel. "What do you know?"
She gazed down and something about her… seemed so alone. So solemn. So…
Broken. "I know things that you wouldn't understand."
This was just so fucked. Whatever they had with each other… whatever they wanted from each other, it was all so fucked up. The secrets… the way they look at each other-Anna knew they would never understand each other even when they tried their very best. But for her… even if this was fucked up, they were together on this-they were comfortable.
She shook her head. She realized, even without a father, that love could be replaced by Elsa.
Even without her father… Elsa would care-would provide all that she wanted without a single blink of an eye. And she would not leave her. Ever.
Elsa stepped close, fingers buried in her auburn hair, and Anna could not help but lean into her touch. Like she would whenever they would meet… because it was the warmth-the intimacy.
"Tell me what is wrong." What is wrong? She wanted to laugh. Anna didn't know what was right from wrong, anyway.
"Nothing is wrong."
"I know when you're lying. Look at me." She looked, alright. And there wasn't a moment where Anna wanted to hide anything anymore… wasn't a moment where Anna wanted to lie.
"You know... " she started, her voice choking and cracking. "I just… I don't get it. How are you so strong without your sister?" She was pleading. Begging. Begging for someone to comfort her… to feel to same shit that she felt.
And Elsa was gawking at her as if she was insane or something. But maybe she just could be-
"Who said I am?"
Anna blinked. "W-What?"
The woman chuckled bitterly, taking another drink, her eyes laid into the night. "You asked me how I am strong without her. I'm not. Perhaps, it's just easier to hide it." She turned. "To try and forget."
"Hide what? Hide how heartbroken you are?"
"Heartbroken? No, exhaustion. Frustration. Why are we talking about me?"
The escort gazed down to her feet. "Sorry, I… I just-my mother, she wants me to meet him. The man who made us leave… the man who abused her. I just… want to be strong. To be numb. T-To love someone who I'm supposed to hate, but I can't. I can't forgive."
"Anna…"
The woman chuckled, bitterly. "Dumb me. Aren't I selfish?"
"Nobody blames you."
"I just… I want to meet him. But I can't because of my stupid pride. I don't want to let my guard down for him…"
"But you do it for me."
Anna faced her. "Because I love you."
She was okay. She was fine like this. Anna didn't need to see him when there were so many other people who cared for her. Yet, she gazed at Elsa with eyes that were blurred with tears… the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She wasn't sure how Elsa was still looking at her, and she didn't need to, to know how much she cared.
"I just…" She pressed a hand against her teary eyes. "I just want someone to care for me-to love me right. I just want a perfect family-and I'm just so… fucking tired of hearing things that I don't want to hear, to have people leave me when I'm trying my best to hang on. I'm going to go crazy...I'm so sick of this… so fucking sick…"
And like a child, she wept her heart out. Nothing in this world could comfort her… nothing in this world-in her life would ever replace what she was feeling for the better-
She felt arms embrace her body tightly, perfume overwhelming her senses, and oh… was it a wonderful smell. The warmth that Elsa had with her body pressed against hers was her comfort. Melting her. Opening her.
"There you go, let it all out. We're okay. You're okay," she whispered, lips pressed to her hair… and everything was alright, at the moment. It really was. Everything was quiet and soothing… and Anna just wanted more.
For once, she felt her heart repair itself-her strength and all hopes were coming back because of one mere hug.
She couldn't bear to see the image of what it would be like to see her father. Couldn't even imagine being happy with the thought of how her mother was being treated in the past, and perhaps… she wouldn't be working in such a shithole. Anna could never… forgive.
Anna cried louder, letting herself hug the woman back, pressing her face against her chest. Ah, the warmth… the feeling of her body. She could just listen to Elsa shush her all night… could just fall asleep from her voice. This was all she wanted to hear… to be okay.
"I want you to be strong because I won't abandon you. I will always have your back, Anna. Always. I love you."
a/n: poor anna, im so sorry :(
Song: In the Night by the weeknd