The bed was too comfortable, too luxurious for her to fall asleep. Not to mention that it wasn't hers, a fact she was only too aware of. Initially Rey had hesitantly sat on the bed, suddenly nervous to be left alone in the most private section of his chamber. But when she recalled that she needed to get back to the Falcon, she cast aside her reservations and climbed onto the large, inviting bed.
She must have lain there forever. Rey had lost count how many times she willed her eyes to close and her consciousness to drift away, hoping to open her eyes and see the sleeping quarters of the Falcon instead. Needless to say, she failed miserably. Was the Force refusing to let her leave?
"If it's what you want, I won't ever leave you."
His words kept ringing in her mind. Rey shivered. He had looked at her straight in the eye when he uttered them, and Rey detected nothing but sincerity in his voice. If it was what she wanted? Rey knew he knew what was it she wanted. She just didn't know if he would acquiesce.
Kylo - no, Ben Solo - was as fascinating as he was confusing. Sometimes he came across as someone so sure of himself and his strength in the Force. Even Luke acknowledged the raw power residing in his nephew.
But Rey also saw in Ben someone who was always struggling with fear. So much fear. Even after Snoke's death, and his rise to the rank of Supreme Leader, those fears did not go away. Rey could feel it in him. She could also sense who he was most afraid of: himself.
It was one thing to live being feared by others. But how must he have felt, living in fear of himself?
Rey gently pushed the covers aside. Sleep was hopeless at this point. She had too much of him in her head. Being in his bed surrounded by his pillows and covers only made it worse.
She clambered out of bed to head for the door. It hissed open, and she stuck her head out. "Ben?"
No one. His common area was dark and empty, save for the lamp he had left on at his desk. The door to his meditation alcove was open, but it didn't seem like he was in it. Had he gone elsewhere?
Rey wandered over to his desk. He must have cleaned it up while she was 'sleeping'. The lightsaber parts were mostly gone, except for the cross guard piece. Rey found it strange. Didn't it belong to his lightsaber? Perhaps due to a combination of habit and curiosity, she picked it up, intending to ask him about it later.
It seemed that Ben had returned his calligraphy box to its original location. It now also acted as a paperweight for the parchment that had their names on it. Kylo Ren. Rey. She carefully opened the lid of the box and took out an inked pen. She crossed out a name, and amended the other.
Ben Solo
Rey
Below his name, hers looked... Well, like it could belong anywhere and nowhere. No family. No clan. Just... Rey. Just her. She couldn't even remember if she had a last name. Maybe she had never wanted to keep it. Just like how she had never wanted to remember the truth about her parents, until someone forced her to on the Supremacy. Rey grimaced slightly at that memory.
Back then, she couldn't understand why Ben was so insistent to make her say it out. A few months later, during one of her meditation sessions, she came to secretly be grateful for it. In his own crass and awkward way, he was helping her let go of the past.
Her thoughts were broken when she heard the faint hum of a lightsaber being ignited and cutting through the air. She turned to look for the source of the noise, and located it in another section of the quarters. Soft bluish white light emanated from the space.
"Ben..?"
Rey crept towards it and peeked in... and immediately looked away. Granted, it wasn't the first time, but that didn't change things. Rey could still feel her face heating up.
"You're still not asleep." He didn't even sound surprised.
"I... Couldn't sleep," Rey finished lamely. She carefully kept her eyes on his surroundings. From the corner of her eyes, she noticed what seemed like workout equipment, and a sandbag meant to absorb blows and kicks. This must be his training room, and she must have walked in on him working out.
"Was the bed not to your liking?" He seemed to pick up something on a bench, but Rey continued to keep her gaze elsewhere.
"No-nothing like that. I liked it. It was very comfortable, and it smelt nice," Rey wasn't even sure what she was actually saying at this point. Her cheeks were also getting warmer. Time to change the subject. "Where did you get that?"
Ben frowned. "Get what?"
"The lightsaber. I don't recall yours looking like that. The blade. I saw it. It's different."
"I didn't get it anywhere, it's mine," Ben replied simply. Some time when Rey wasn't looking, he had pulled a shirt over his head. It was a loose fit, but it suited him perfectly, the cloth draping lightly over his chest. Rey looked away, certain now that her ears must be embarrassingly pink.
He waited for her to say something - she always had something to say. But when Rey kept silent, he asked again, "Do you want me to help you sleep?"
"W-what do you mean?"
"I was asking if you'd like me to knock you out."
It dawned on Rey what he was referring to. "Ah.. You mean when you kidnapped me."
Ben eyed her curiously. "Of course. What did you think I was referring to?"
Rey wished the Force bond would break at that very moment and send her back to the Falcon, but alas. Instead, she tried her best to maintain a straight face and said, "No thank you." She pointed more insistently at the lightsaber in his hand. "You still haven't told me about that." She held out his cross guard piece she picked up earlier. "Why did you remove this?"
Had he turned? Rey could feel her heart beat faster at the thought. She noticed that he thought for a while before answering her. "I don't need it anymore."
"And your blade?"
"... I found another crystal to stabilize mine."
"Another crystal? From where?"
Ben sidestepped her question by asking her one of his, "Have you built your blade?"
Rey hesitated. What should she say? That she had been trying but the lightsaber refused to be fixed? That they crystal refused to budge?
Ben let out the most subtle of sighs. "I take it that's a no. Are you still trying to fix that lightsaber? Forget about that scrap of metal. You won't be able to."
"That was Luke's lightsaber, it's not a 'scrap of metal'!" Rey responded hotly. "Weren't you also the one who was so insistent on having it?"
Ben - no, Kylo - remained aloof in his reply. "I was, but not anymore. When that lightsaber split... You cannot fix it because half of it refuses to obey you."
Rey was getting really angry now. "Do you still honestly think that lightsaber belongs to you after everything you did on Crait?"
Kylo ignored her. "Forget about that lightsaber. Reuse it to build your own. Your blade is an extension of yourself."
Rey continued to glare at him. She felt so torn. She should be furious at him for taking so flippantly Luke, his uncle. But he was also giving her sensible advice about lightsabers. The only advice she had come across all these months that directly pertain to building one.
Plus, he actually sounded concerned that she had yet to have a blade of her own. This was all so perplexing.
"Who are you?" Rey blurted out, stepping forward towards him. "Am I talking to Kylo Ren? Am I talking to Ben Solo?" He was so much taller and bigger, she had to look up to continue staring at him. When she asked again, her voice was a whisper, "Who are you?"
He said nothing, but just gazed into her eyes, as if searching for something in them. For a moment, Rey thought she saw the slightest tinge of hurt flitting through his dark, pretty eyes. Her own gaze softened as he leaned in closer to her face. They stayed that way for a while, just looking into each other's eyes. A strange feeling was tugging at her heart. She felt as if she had been staring into those pair of eyes in her dreams her entire life. She almost reached a hand out to touch his face, his hair...
His answer, quiet but pained, startled her. "Rey, must I only be one or the other?"
Rey didn't understand. "Ben..."
He stepped away from her abruptly. "Your Resistance friends must be wondering where you are. Go back."
"Ben, come with me," Rey pleaded one more time. "Leave the First Order behind."
"If the First Order finds about your presence here, I cannot guarantee your safety. Go back."
He had turned his back to her, an indication that their conversation was over.
Almost. Rey felt guilty and shame even as she said the following, "Don't leave me. You promised."
Rey winced. Her chest hurt. At the same time, he turned to look at her and she could see his emotions clearly in his eyes. Disappointment. In her. And hurt. By her very words.
"Go back." he whispered.
Rey was too shocked by everything to slap his hand away from lightly touching her temple. The last thing she saw before her consciousness slipped away was him catching her before she could crash to the ground, and the faint glimmer of tears in his eyes.