Thanks for reading everyone, I've been a little less regular with my updates then I wanted to be. Still trying to get GoH to stop making me rewrite it. Did you know that fanfic has a strong will and occasionally fights authors? It does.
akane027 - I have used translators before and I know it can be painful. I appreciate you taking that extra step to leave me feedback. Whatever you used worked. :) I am honored to be your first comment. I promise to try and keep the tears going forward to a minimum.
Guest 1 - I agree that flawed characters can be more engaging and "fun" (that may be overstating) to watch. Besides, I take my lead from the show. Regina Mills is complicated, conflicted and has plenty of questionable things. Emma is a little less dark, however, she has a lot of issues around her parents and those make her put up walls. When I write an AU, I ask myself how can I translate the characters on the show to whatever AU world it is. So, how does Regina lord over things in high school without magic? My answer was that she uses her intellect, hence all the big words. If Regina had never met Daniel but was still under her mother's thumb, where might she be emotionally, especially if she found friends that supported her? Well, that's part of the exploration. Anyway, I am truly glad you are enjoying. Thanks for commenting!
Guest 2 - I'm a pretty big believer in foreshadowing. Both Emma and Regina have had "feelings" for a long time. I don't know that love can fully develop without reciprocation, however, that door has been open for both of them a long time. They just need to walk through it and stop letting life and their own fears get in the way. That...may...be happening soon. Thanks for the feedback.
ParrillaTortilla - The reason I post and indeed write at all, is to entertain and spread a little hope. It doesn't seem like either of those is happening for you as you read this. Please remember that life is short and there are a lot of great fics out there. I hope you find something that's a better fit for you.
Chapter 8: Separations and Connections
Cambridge, Ma
The Past
October 2009
Emma's nerves danced vigorously; Regina would not be happy with her news. She parked as close as she could to Regina's dormitory. She still had to walk past three large red brick buildings before reaching it.
A few seconds after she knocked on the door, Regina opened it and yanked her close. The sweet relief of having Regina close to her made every heartbeat less laborious.
As usual, she wore Emma's letterman jacket. Emma's fingers ran over the smooth fabric as she held her. Regina sighed in her ear, squeezing tighter.
Emma forced herself to draw back after a reasonable amount of time.
"Where are your things?"
Shit. Her consuming worries about Regina's reaction caused amnesia. "Car. I'll be right back."
Regina set a hand on her shoulder, staying her. "Later."
Emma and the others had helped Regina move in just a couple months ago. It had put them in close proximity to the disapproval of Cora Mills. Her eyes narrowed at them as if they were vermin that needed to be driven out. She left just as soon as she and Regina agreed on what courses Regina would register for.
Afterwards, the five friends wandered around campus, helping Regina get acclimated.
Regina's mom relented on withholding her financial support a month after Regina arrived, probably confused by her daughter's composure. They'd decided to get Archie's dad to invest the remaining "Five Flames Grant" money and one day take a cruise or something together.
"How is everyone?" Regina asked, smoothing her skirt under her legs as she sat on the loveseat.
Emma settled next to her. Their knees touched. "They're pretty much the same. Zelena swore off men again."
"I heard."
"Jefferson entered a couple of art competitions. He won't know how he did for a couple of weeks. Archie's trying to convince us that we should all do yoga. He got your sister to try it. Jefferson said he'd rather die, but, I mean, who says no to Archie for long?"
"Especially Jefferson."
"That's true too."
"What about you?" An apt and dangerous question. "Have you thought any more about us getting an apartment together next year? I know it's only October and you loathe any kind of planning, but we will need to make preparations."
Emma decided to dodge. They had the whole weekend. "Right."
Regina frowned at Emma, the stilted reply setting off her radar.
"Hey, didn't you promise to take me on a ghost tour?"
"No, you saw a brochure and suggested we follow around a strange person in costume for ninety minutes of our lives."
Ema needled her side. "Come on, live a little."
"An ironic statement, given the subject of the tour."
In the end, Regina allowed herself to be talked into it. She insisted on staying at the back of the group of twenty or so tourists, far away from the man dressed as an undertaker. She wore a puffy snow jacket over Emma's letterman one. Still, whenever they stopped, usually in front of an old, dark building, she pressed back into Emma for warmth. Emma's response of wrapping her arms around Regina just seemed like the right thing to do. Each time she did, she lost the ability to follow "gravedigger guy's" stories.
When they got back to the dorm, Regina left Emma in her room to make coffee.
As she handed Emma a cup, she searched her face. "Are you okay?"
"Are you asking if the ghost stories scared me?"
Regina's stare insisted she would wait for a real answer, thank you. "Emma."
"Sometimes," she said honestly. "I am right now."
She still experienced the sensation of fading in and out of her life, like something kept pulling her out of range of a strong signal. She tried, mostly for her friends, not to show it. They worried when any trace of her sadness showed.
So far she'd only told Archie her plan. He still jogged with her sometimes, and his quiet receptiveness, combined with his instinctive ability to ask probing questions, pried it free.
Jerk.
His singular response was to ask, "Have you told Regina yet?" He assured her Regina would understand.
Maybe, but possibly only after she killed her first.
After Regina went to college, Archie grew stringent about making sure Emma ate and occasionally left her room. She suspected him of providing reports to Regina on a regular basis.
"I'm sorry I can't be with you in your senior year," Regina said quietly.
"Yeah, how dare you not arrange for us both to be the same age. I mean, do you know how inconvenient that is?"
Regina poked her arm. "After I get settled, I intend to come home as much as I can. We'll see one another frequently, I promise."
Emma's jaw muscle jumped. She fought to act casual. "So, what's going on with you? Are you president of anything yet?"
"I told you, underclassmen never get those positions." She ducked her head. "There's a class I'm struggling in, actually, so I might cut back."
"You, struggling?"
"It's chemistry. We're required to turn in a paper every week, that's not including lab time. Which is insane, given that it is only one of six classes I am taking." She grimaced, and a line appeared between her brows. "I have a B. I have never had a B."
The best way to deal with an upset Regina was one of two methods: humor or sincere understanding. She tried the first approach. "You do remember my grade point average right?"
Her scowl grew in intensity. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
Emma scrambled for the second technique. "Regina, you got into one of the most prestigious schools in the world. Having a hard time in only one class is a minor miracle, especially when we're only talking about you getting a B."
"But if my mother decides to cut off my funds again, I'll need to manage school and a job."
"And you'll handle it." Emma's steady gaze demanded Regina believe her. "Don't underestimate yourself. Figuring stuff out is what you do." She tugged on the sleeve of the letterman jacket. "If all else fails, I'll rob a bank for you."
Regina's expression eased, and her appreciation for Emma glittered in her eyes. Behind it, the shadow of words held back. Both of her hands surrounded Emma's. "Can I bottle you and keep you with me?"
Everything led back to Emma's news and stabbed.
"I don't think I'd distill well. Besides, aren't you only getting a B in Chemistry?"
###################################
Regina's roommate was away for the weekend, so technically Emma could sleep in the deserted room or the loveseat in the main room. Regina's twin bed didn't have a ton of room and would be...awkward.
She expected Regina to insist on sharing. She didn't. Emma wound up curling up on Regina's floor with a blanket.
The next morning, they went to a coffee shop with an upstairs loft. As they sat down at a table, the tension in Emma kept rising to the point where her leg started bouncing up and down to expel excess energy.
She didn't want to put off telling Regina much longer.
"I have a few options for what we can do this afternoon," Regina said. "Are you more in the mood for loud and festive or peaceful but charming?"
Emma's fingers smushed the bottom of her coffee cup. "Um, hey, we should talk about something."
At the beginning of the school year, Emma drove by a "Go Army" sign she must have passed a hundred times before. This time, it sparked ideas in her head. She gave it a couple weeks of thought, then went to talk to a recruiter. She intended to be cautious and keep letting the idea percolate.
Except one random day, the vice-principal stopped her and said, "I hope you know how much we miss your mother." And then came that fucking pitying look paired with an encouraging pat on her shoulder.
Regina's brow furrowed. "Is everything okay?"
Knowing Regina would have reservations, she tried to make it sound cheerful, like the best decision ever. "You know how you always are after me to think about my future? I've decided to join the army."
Regina wore the shell-shocked expression of someone who'd just been in a collision. "I — I don't want you to think I disagree." An automatic response, as she tried to formulate a proper one. "I know your father was in the army. It's a noble pursuit, and the military offers assistance on college tuition and other benefits."
She took a long sip from her tea, presumably because she needed to finish rebooting her brain. "It's just a little unexpected. Perhaps we can talk through your reasoning?"
"Let me just tell you a couple of other things." Emma decided she might as well say it in one big bang, instead of stretching it out. "After I made my decision, I figured there was no point waiting. I'm not going to finish high school. I'm going to get my GED instead."
Regina froze. She must have hit some kind of emotional ceiling because she rose, snatching up the remains of a coffee and a muffin. "We're going." She crossed the room and reached the stairs in a flurry of motion. She didn't slow as she moved down to the main cafe.
Emma tried to catch her. "Whoa, where are we headed?"
Outside, a few steps from the coffee shop, Regina whirled on her. "We're going home to talk about this ridiculous plan of yours. Dropping out of high school in your senior year? What the hell are you thinking?"
Emma stepped closer, speaking quietly. "I was getting to that."
"You are barely eighteen."
"Regina, I —"
"Has it occured to you that you'll be leaving school and learning to kill people at an age when you're barely allowed to vote?"
"Wait —"
She kept going, a locomotive at full steam. "You could be seriously injured. You could be sent on a mission you don't agree with. You're someone who likes their privacy, how much of that do you think you're going to get in the army?"
"I've already enlisted," Emma said, speaking over her. "I'm going to boot camp in November." Having stopped Regina's propulsion, she lowered her volume again. "I was hoping to be a mechanic so, it'll be at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri."
Regina's anger slumped into surprise, then hardened into dread. "You're going next month." She buried her face in her hands, overwhelmed, shaking her head. Emma swallowed self-loathing for hitting her with everything too fast.
Emma reached up and drew her hands away. "What do you think most of the people at school see when they look at me? They see Mom. Either because they feel sorry for me, or because they loved her."
"The Flames don't think about you that way. I don't. You only had one year left. Time all of us could have spent together before everyone went their separate ways. I could have helped you. We could gone through all of your options."
Emma drew her to the side so a passerby could move past them. "I just...I need to be somewhere new. Since my junior year, I feel broken. The only time it goes away is sometimes around you. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I need to do something."
Regina weighed her own reservations against the earnest words. She drew the edges of Emma's letterman jacket closer around her. "How long is your contract for?"
"I picked the one most people do. It's four years."
The sadness in her gaze grew deeper. "Can we please just go?"
They walked the half mile or so back to Regina's dorm room in silence. Once they went inside, Regina sank to the couch, sitting stiffly.
"Are you going to yell at me some more?" Emma asked. "You can if it will make you feel better."
Regina's expression didn't change and she didn't respond. Maybe asking a planner like Regina to accept a big decision that didn't come from years of detailed analysis, spreadsheets and workflows was a big ask.
"I don't do very well with surprises. Part of me wants to offer you my total and unconditional support, because I never want you to feel like I'm not on your side. The other part of me just, I don't even know. They could station you anywhere, couldn't they?"
Emma nodded and dropped down onto the couch beside her. "You want me to show you a wrestling move so you can beat me up?"
"Yes." Emma didn't think she meant it. Probably. "Missouri?"
"The 'show me' state. I have no idea why it's called that."
"You're an idiot."
"I know."
"And would it just be the one tour? Do you think you will come back here after?"
Emma tried to imagine herself as a soldier long-term, or being away from the others or Regina for longer than her contract. The idea already festered; a wound. Yet not a crack, not like the other pain that splintered through every part of her.
"I'm hoping I can, yeah. I'm kind of all about keeping things simple, and Apple Valley is part of that." She dared a glance at Regina's still form. "I'm not going into the army because I love travel oh-so-much. I'm not leaving just to leave. Apple Valley was the first place in my life that ever felt like home. I just want it to feel that way again. "
"You want to leave so you can come home?" The question didn't challenge. Soft, with restrained emotion, it offered understanding.
"I guess that doesn't make much sense. But...yes?" Her forehead wrinkled as she sorted through how to explain it. "Look, I know it seems crazy. Even to me, it does. It's just, right now, it feels like I'm fighting too many things at once. I think some of that will calm down eventually. It just needs time and it will get better."
Emma sat forward, elbows on her knees, staring at the dark screen of the television in front of her. She didn't have anything else to say; no better way to give Regina insight. The silence dug claws into her. She needed Regina, especially Regina, to get it at least a little bit. Regina kept her climbing, providing footholds when she couldn't see a way up and the mountain seemed endless.
"Okay," Regina whispered, expelling a breath. "You will give me your solemn oath that you will keep safe."
Emma's heart looked up and saw the summit; a long way away, but there. She smiled.
"And you'll write so I don't drive myself insane with worry."
"I mean, this isn't the Civil War. I could probably just call you."
Regina's master organizer side went on, unimpeded. "Also, I have seen how you pack when you come to visit me, things shoved into a suitcase with no rhyme or reason. That will never do. We'll pack your bag together when you leave for boot camp. There's probably a list somewhere of things you should bring. We should find it and go through it."
"We can do that."
"Emma? Despite my initial reaction, I want you to know that I am now and always will be proud of you."
The words struck the bullseye of Emma's heart; a target deserted for a long time. "Yeah?"
"Yes." Regina leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss against Emma's cheek.
Emma dragged Regina to her, the opposite of a tackle hug, with just as much exuberance. She felt a low laugh shake through Regina's body.
The contact left behind a tingling sensation. They were still reeling from the conversation, hungry for affirmation that they were going to be okay. The air around them changed, pulsing between them like loud bass pumping through a speaker. In her body, that old swell of want broke against her skin and slid down.
Recently, in addition to the daydream of Regina's rich voice breaking apart in her passion, she'd added the feeling of being deep inside her. Her fingers or her tongue joining them as she thrust just as fast or slow as Regina needed.
She groaned inwardly as her body reacted to that thought. She couldn't afford to think that way in Regina's presence.
Fuck, Emma thought. Crushes ended, didn't they? With time, shouldn't they fade instead of growing bigger? Too much of her appeared only with Regina; she became more when they were together.
Sometimes when their eyes met, she knew Regina wanted her back. They were at the edge of something, a rubicon.
Emma realized that if Regina just asked her to stay, she didn't think she could go. She couldn't afford to let anyone have that kind of power over her. Not right now, when she thought maybe she'd found a path to take to reclaim her life.
She couldn't give to Regina the way she wanted to, but she needed — wanted — to give something. "Do you know how much I care about you? I don't want us to lose each other."
"We won't. Not ever." Regina's lips pursed as she considered something. "Wait, do you think GED's have a scoring system? We could work on getting you the highest possible score."
The ambition sprouting on Regina's face filled Emma with both adoration and alarm.
####################################
Before she left for boot camp, Archie asked her to go for a walk. He planned to attend Washington and Lee University in Virginia after senior year. Like her, he wanted a little distance from Apple Valley.
"I don't think the Flames will lose touch. I started to worry about it but, I think maybe we were all supposed to be friends. Is that stupid?"
"No. No way." Emma wondered how he could say what he felt so easily, without hesitation.
"Before Arts into Action, you don't know how hard things were. I thought about...I guess it's cliché, bullied kid and suicide."
Every muscle in Emma's body tensed.
"I hadn't tried anything, but the thoughts were there." Archie, always brave with his heart, didn't hide the glow of gratitude on his face. "You changed my life. All of you did."
Emma didn't know what to say back to that.
"I'm only telling you so that you know there's no debt. You don't owe anything to me or my family. I love you Emma. No strings attached."
He stepped closer, touching her arm. "I talked with my parents about a few things last night. All of us agreed that the guest bedroom is yours now. For good."
She fumbled to come up with a proper protest. "Arch, I —"
"No. Here's how it's going to be. You're my sister. You're family. I know you feel alone sometimes but you aren't. You'll come back here when you can, whether I'm here or not. Because this will always be your home. Do you hear me?" He stared her down, stubborn and loving all at once.
Shit. She couldn't say no to Archie when he did the speaking from the heart thing he so often did.
"Mom wanted this town to be home."
"So, let it be," he said, still feisty.
"When the hell did you get so bossy?"
"Learned from you."
"Me? I mean, Regina or Zelena, sure, but me?"
Archie bent his arms, imitating a much more muscular form. "You're going to let me walk around with you and Jefferson, whether you like it or not."
"I never said that."
"Oh yes, you did."
"You're thinking of someone else."
"No, that was you." He looped an arm around her and gave her a faint squeeze. "I meant what I said, okay?"
Emma sighed, beaten.
He grinned at her, that pure Archie grin.
She ruffled his hair.
Jerk.
##################################
Cambridge, Ma
August 2011
The army stationed Emma at Fort Hood, Texas.
By the third year, she considered asking to transfer to Fort Devens, Massachusetts, just an hour and a half from home. She felt ready to be closer to everything again. She didn't think she actually could transfer this late in the game, but — she missed everything. Everyone.
During her service, her friends made sure she received weekly care packages. Emma suspected Regina organized a rotation.
Sometimes there were emails. Occasionally video calls. Most of the time phone calls.
She'd come home when she could, and it got a little easier each time. The old gang did their best to be there to welcome her when she stepped off the plane. They caught up and shared stories and all of them wished they could see each other more. They forged ahead into adulthood.
Emma found a degree of peace. Yet instead of resolution, she started to have thoughts she didn't want to deal with. Questions she couldn't answer. She put the noise of them away, first in a trunk, then deeper down in a long, steel container. They banged and called her name when she least expected it. Doing things, staying active helped drown them out.
She and Regina talked a lot about being in the same place at the same time with euphoria. Emma would move into Regina's shiny new apartment and stay there till she decided what she wanted to do with her post-Army life. Or Emma would try to get a place in Apple Valley, not far from Harvard, and they'd be diligent about making time for one another.
Stray thoughts of actually talking about their relationship when she was back home danced through Emma's head on occasion. The idea terrified her because, fuck, greed screwed things up all the time. Having Regina's friendship in her life was a gift. What right did she have to ask for more? People with their hands full of presents who tried to take just one more could drop everything.
Still, she trusted Regina, and acceptance was one of the fundamentals of their relationship. So maybe it would be okay if they talked about their feelings.
In just one more year, she'd be back home.
Except one day Regina sent her a text about dropping out of Harvard.
Emma scheduled a flight out of Austin as quickly as she could.
Regina picked her up at the airport and took her to the apartment near Harvard that her mother helped pay for. She wore Emma's letterman jacket. As usual, Emma's heart lifted. She smacked it back down to earth till she heard more about Regina's plans to leave college.
Emma dropped her rucksack in the living room, still in fatigues.
"I planned on making us dinner. Do you want wine or —"
Emma folded her arms across her chest, her tank of patience with only a few fumes left. "I want to know what's up. You're being, for lack of a better way to put it, stealthy again."
Regina nodded, wearily. "I need to make a decision about something."
"You mean staying at Harvard or not?"
"No. I am going to withdraw." Regina's shields rose, and her hands moved behind her back. 'I've already told my mother."
Emma's impatience gave way to concern. "Shit. How bad was it?"
"She said everything anyone could possibly think of to change my mind. Then she told me if I drop out of Harvard, I will no longer be welcome at home."
"She kicked you out?"
"For all intents and purposes, yes. And of course, after next month, she will no longer be helping me with rent or anything else." Emma tried to figure out a plan, a way to help. She couldn't think of anything; especially since she owed the army more time before she could come home. "It wasn't unexpected, Emma. It's her go-to."
"Right, and you know that. So, I still don't entirely get the you leaving school thing. I'm not saying you shouldn't. But Regina, this is Harvard, and you worked your ass off to get in."
"Yes, and I came to a realization that I was heading into my junior year and all I felt when thinking about my future was dread."
"I hate to sound like, well, you." Emma decided even as she spoke, that her comfort zone did not include being the mature, reasonable one. Still, whatever Regina needed. "Couldn't you switch majors or something? I get the feeling Harvard covers a lot of ground when it comes to what you want to do when you grow up."
"Staying here isn't the kind of change I need." She paused as if expecting Emma to interrupt or argue. Emma just wanted to get the full picture.
On the pub table in her small kitchen were a set of speakers. Regina connected her Iphone to them. Otis Redding poured from them, crooning about days when what to do was unclear and all that could be done was to watch the world go by.
Emma slid her hands into her pockets and approached her. "Since when do you listen to this stuff?"
"I told you I missed you. Did you not believe me?" The hint of Regina's sassiness lightened the room. She glanced at Emma over her shoulder. "Besides, it's good baking music. I've been doing a lot of it lately. I've never had a kitchen to myself. I've practiced recipes and had the Flames over on many occasions. I like it. I like me when I'm doing it."
Emma slid into one of the two counter height chairs. "What's not to like?" On the heels of the serious question, a joke. As usual. "Speaking with complete objectivity, I find you to be fairly good company, like, ninety-five percent of the time."
Regina didn't answer. She sat across from her, tapping the phone screen to lower the volume. "I came here because of my ideas about what success is, what it looks like. Those same ideas led to me to stand and watch while my friends harassed Archie in high school. He's been gracious enough to tell me he forgives me many times. But those choices were all part of my ambition; that's who it makes me become." Regina fell deeper into introspection, her tone harsh. "My mother would say that it's simply part of the price you pay for being successful."
Emma interrupted the tyranny of Regina's self-loathing with the usual attempt at a joke. "Yes, but, your mom would make Atilla the Hun go, 'damn, girl, you're cold.' You're not like her."
"I can be. I could be. When my mother helped me get this apartment, she envisioned me staying here over the summer and taking extra classes. Instead, it's given me some time to think about what I want. And what I don't want. All my life I've told myself that baking is a hobby. Why? I love it. I always have. And, unlike most of what I have ever spent my time on, it makes me happy."
Knowing at least some of Regina's struggle rained relief over Emma. She could work with baking. "Did you tell your mom that part of things?"
"I did. She'd already used up all of her ammunition by then. I told her I would send her a pie."
A laugh sprung from Emma and she cleared her throat. "Okay, that's kinda badass."
Regina relaxed, but not for more than a moment. "I suppose it was." She dropped her head, pensive. "There are a few schools — well-respected ones — that offer degrees in Pastry and Baking Arts. I've been trying to decide between them."
She pulled a napkin from a slate holder and toyed with it. "One school is the Institute of Culinary Education. It's a year program, though I would also benefit from some of the certifications they offer. The other college has a campus in Texas, a few hours from where you're based."
Emma stilled. "But, you don't want to go to that one?"
"The first one I mentioned is in New York City," Regina said, with gravitas. "Other than a few places in Europe, there's no better place to learn. After I graduate, I would, ideally, stay there for an additional year to help diversify my resume. At least I will if I can get a job at the right place. I already have a short list. And, after that," Regina restrained her excitement, awaiting Emma's reaction, but Emma saw it. "Maybe one day I can open my own bakery. I thought of a name. Regal Delights."
"Okay, just wait." Emma rubbed her forehead as she processed the avalanche of information. She took it a little a time. "So when I come home you won't be here?"
"The idea was for us to be in the same place again. I thought, what if you could come with me?" For the first time since she'd started talking about the school, Regina met her eyes. "To New York."
Emma eased from her chair and paced. She set her hands on her hips, a sinking feeling in her chest. "Regina, I've been looking forward to going home. I think I'm finally ready."
"The plan would still be to eventually go home."
Emma breathed in and out for a few seconds, fighting through the heavy disappointment grinding into her. "But, I've been gone, moving around for four years."
Regina nodded, a small, defeated movement. "If I do go to New York, I'd be there three years at most and for one of those, you'll still be in the army. And, we could still discuss Texas. That's not off the table." Regina crumbled the napkin and tossed it away from her. "Maybe this is all idiocy. I'm hoping to make the numbers and money work. I don't know if I can. I have never, in my life, truly had to support myself."
"There was that month or so your freshman year."
"Hardly a true test. I'd be working in a bakery in New York, probably making next to nothing. God only knows where I'd have to live."
Regina's self-doubt broke through the fog of Emma's dejection. She came up behind her, setting her chin on Regina's shoulder. "Stop."
In the name of being Regina's safe place, she'd compelled herself to do or not do many things. None were as hard as this.
"You're finally getting the courage to chase after something you really want. And then you're talking about Texas or making sure you come home in three years or calling it stupid." Emma turned Regina's stool so she could see her face. Her hand cupped Regina's cheek. "Here's how it's gonna go. You'll apply to that school in New York CIty and create an insane, obsessive list of scholarships and grants you qualify for." Regina started to object but Emma didn't let her. "You'll follow your plan and figure things out. Only you shouldn't do it with obligations hanging over your head. What if you do really well? What if you find your dream job?"
Regina leaned her head against Emma's. "You have no idea how much I miss you."
"I guess I kinda do." She poked Regina's stomach to try and continue to ease her mood. "Look, I just want you to be happy." Emma's needs were few, but one of them was for Regina to never doubt her allegiance. "Also, I kinda want to kick your mom's ass."
It made Regina laugh, the best feeling in the world.
"I'm not going anywhere." She kissed Regina's temple. "When you're ready to come home, I'll be there. You just do whatever you have to do."
She closed her eyes and revelled in their closeness. Emma allowed herself to do the same till Regina asked, "what if I fail?"
"What if you don't?"
She sighed. Her lower lip protruded, however, Regina would never allow anyone to accuse her of pouting. "None of this is going according to plan."
"Life doesn't really give a fuck about plans."
"I have noticed," Regina agreed, a little weepy but already recovering. "I intend to lodge a complaint."
"I'm not even sure how that would work."
"Simple. I would ask to talk to life's manager." Regina brushed away the tears from her cheeks as if they were annoying gnats. "I knew you wouldn't go with me. I couldn't imagine you in the hustle and bustle of Manhattan."
"I could hustle and bustle."
"Of course you could." Regina didn't sound sincere.
"You know what, you don't know me as well as you think you do. Like, what's my favorite movie?
"Rudy. You appreciate the idea that heroism can come from determination."
"I never said that."
Regina raised a brow. "So, I am incorrect?"
"Well that was an easy one. What's my favorite yogurt? Wait, wait. What's my favorite app?"
"Chocolate. Something to do with music."
Emma blinked at her a few times. "Okay, those were easy ones too. What's my favorite fish?"
"Tuna? I'm not sure you know of any others."
"I eat fish," Emma grumbled, but truthfully, she liked that Regina kept guessing right. "My favorite video game?"
"What was that game you played non-stop when you came home for the last holiday? Mass Effect."
'Whatever."
"Does that mean you concede?"
That night for no reason, they stayed up late, Regina making cookies and forcing Emma back into a taste-tester role.
"This song," Regina said as the cookies cooled, she pointed to the pub table and the speakers there with her oven mitt. "Sam Cooke. 'Nothing Can Change This Love. This was the song I listened to on your headphones the first day you let me use them."
Sometimes knowing things made everything harder.
Three years.
Emma didn't bank on it. She wanted Regina to have the freedom to follow her dreams.
Still, she hoped they'd be in the same place again eventually.
Maybe then... But she didn't have the courage to make it a complete thought.
#######################################
Boston, Ma
May 2016
Regina stayed in New York for three years, as promised. To make ends meet, she worked at a restaurant, then for a car insurance company. A full-time job and school wasn't easy. But she had never lacked determination and didn't complain. Emma couldn't have been more proud of her.
After school, Regina found a job at one of the bakeries on her list and glowingly spoke of all she learned.
She also started and ended a year-long thing with a woman named Camille. She told Emma she had always suspected she "leaned in a bisexual direction." Emma found excuses not to visit during that period. It ratified her decision not to go to New York. Regina shipped her mom the promised pie with a picture of her and Camille, arms around one another.
Eventually, Regina started talking about the next phase of her life. Her mom though came to her with the suggestion of doing bits for the local morning TV show. Regina thought the exposure might lead her to better things. Opening a bakery would have a significant cost up front. She hoped marginal fame would help gain investors. She found a job at a bakery in Boston to build up different, more grounded local renown.
Regina came home to a whirlwind of not one, but two new jobs.
Meanwhile, Emma had been thinking about pursuing Mixed Martial Arts for a few months. It caught her attention when she and some of her fellow soldiers went to a bar one night and a match was on t.v. When Emma told Regina she wanted to try MMA, a week of Regina's subdued response worried her.
She seemed to get past it. Sort of.
Now, post-fight, Regina regarded her with the kind of enthusiasm reserved for those waiting to have a root canal.
Emma kept opening and closing her left eye, as if that would fix the blurriness. The swelling there needed ice, but first she probably needed a couple of stitches for the cut next to it. A purple bruise curled under her other eye. Two red splotches were on the same cheek. She tasted a faint trace of blood from her split lip.
Her friends, Archie, Jefferson, Zelena and Regina were allowed into the locker room. Everyone except Regina gave her quick hugs.
Zelena did so with a blatant expression of disgust over Emma's sweaty, bloody form.
"I'm so glad you could make it," Emma said, swinging her to and fro, just to prolong the grubby contact.
Zelena responded by repeating the word "Ew," a few times. "Stop! Let go of me, you heathen." She pushed her away and brushed off her clothes.
Emma settled onto the long wood bench and took a gulp of water. She turned to Regina, expecting her to be close, only to find her behind the others, hands behind her back.
"Hey, I won right?" For Emma, victory made up for an awful lot of aches and pains. "I'm fine. I'll play piano again and everything." The euphoria of a good fight blew bubbles in her brain. Regina's grim features were Emma's polar opposite.
"This was a particularly bad one," Archie said, a tentative interruption. "I haven't seen you take that many hits since your early fights."
Emma didn't doubt him, but cuts and bruises healed. Her muscles were still hot and ready. She could have gone another five rounds easy. Her ego rested on her well-honed body and the complete dedication to her training. She could be the best at this. She'd never believed that about anything.
Her good mood remained buoyant. "You know, Arch, now that you mention it, it was kinda rude that she kept moving around when I tried to hit her."
Jefferson summed it up. "Emma, you look like you got into a car accident, left the scene of that accident, crashed your car into a building, then got trampled on by a herd of bulls."
Emma smirked at him, but her attention centered on Regina.
"Regina?" Emma held out her hand. "Come on, I'm okay." Regina moved forward, features blank, her fingers barely touching Emma's. "Do I not get a hug?"
Regina relented, hands falling from her agitated pose and circling Emma. It felt like a reward. She smelled clean and floral and the warm press of Regina against her raised her already high spirits even further.
After they parted, Zelena asked. "How do we want to celebrate? Emma, I refuse to go to a pool hall again. Or a place named 'and grill'."
"You know, other people's friends, when they win something, let them pick the place." Emma stroked the small of Regina's back. Regina's distance set off warning flares. An internal voice she could barely hear told her that if she stopped touching Regina, something bad might happen. She ignored it as an overreaction. Mostly.
"You have won quite a bit," Zelena said. "I have suffered through sports bar after sports bar and even a bowling alley. I had to wear sunglasses so no one would recognize me."
"People don't look down on bowling."
"People hardly look up to it. I've tried many dating apps. I have yet to see 'avid bowler' as a frequently listed skill. Not to mention the time you wanted us all to go to the arcade, which thankfully my sister talked you out of. Somewhere adult this time."
Emma couldn't stop splitting her attention between the others and the still way-too-silent Regina.
"Tell you what, tonight we'll do a restaurant. Next time, I'll leave it up to you."
Zelena pressed her index finger to her chin, eyes gleaming. Emma reconsidered the wisdom of her offer. "Do you promise? Would you dress up?"
"As long as I can do my version of it?"
Zelena clapped her hands together. "Excellent. I'll need the particulars of your next fight whenever they are available. Also, if you could try not to get hit in the face quite so many times?"
"Right."
"Could I have a moment with Emma?," Regina asked.
Archie glanced from Emma to Regina, eyebrows tightening in concern. "Sure, let's head outside everyone. We'll meet you by the entrance."
Emma reached out to ruffle his hair before he fully escaped — just because — still high from winning.
Regina drew back a few steps.
"Do I look that bad?" Regina didn't answer, eyes glassy, pulling Emma's old jacket more snug around her.
"You okay?"
Regina laughed but it sounded forced. "I am fairly sure that should be my question. Can I ask, how close are you to achieving your goals in MMA? Is there an end point or..."
"Well, if my next fight goes well, Grumps says that we'll enter a pro tournament." She raised her still wrapped hand in a fist and in slow motion, tapped Regina's chin. "I like my chances."
Regina stood, a statue of resignation, hands hanging limp at her sides. Emma decided she hated that more than the "at attention" thing. "And then what?"
Emma didn't get it, didn't understand why Regina sounded both so defeated and stubborn. "I keep fighting till I move up the ranks and maybe get a belt. I don't have a time frame. I mean, I like it. You like working at that daily morning show, right? We're both just following what feels like the right thing."
"You went into the army, became a police officer and then this. I, on the other hand, bake. Do you not see a difference?"
Emma felt like she'd climbed into another ring. "I don't actually."
"Do you know that five people have died in mixed martial arts competitions? Not to mention whatever brain damage you are incurring on a regular basis. I am unaware of any such injuries happening making a cake."
Emma took that one on the chin and didn't try to defend herself. "Regina, what's going on?"
She didn't like the shadow in Regina's eyes or the way she retreated as Emma came closer.
"When I came home from New York and I went to the interviews my mother set up at the TV station, I promised myself I would never be under her thumb the way I once was. I reminded myself that loving someone gives them a measure of control over you. To remain autonomous, you must be cautious. You cannot allow someone to influence you into doing things you believe are wrong for you."
Emma tried to form a question, but she didn't know where to start.
"I don't think I can come to your fights anymore, Emma. In fact, I don't think I can support this insanity any longer."
Emma heard her, of course she did. She just thought maybe she needed to explain things better. If she could. "Look, I know you guys don't really get it, but I need to do this."
"I disagree that this" — she motioned to Emma's face — "is in any way necessary. And..." she stood up straighter. "Friends stop one another from making mistakes. They don't enable it."
"Enable? Like, this is drugs or a drinking problem?"
"It's dangerous. In fact, since high school, you seem to seek out 'dangerous'."
"It's not like that." Emma said firmly, shoulders pressing into the chilled lockers behind her. "I know my mom never thought much of sports. I just want to…"
Inside her were crumbling ruins patrolled by unspoken things. At the center of the destruction a terrible thought was buried — the question about what kind of a daughter she was. As long as it remained hidden she could find a way to live her life around it.
"I want to make her proud," Emma said. Regina was the only one she'd say even that much to. She didn't want to lie or hold back from her, so she gave as much truth as she could right now.
"And you think this is the way?" she asked, voice trembling. She gentled, and for the first time in the entire conversation, Emma saw her best friend. "Emma, your mother wanted you to go to college. She wanted you to make a difference. She would have wanted you to be safe."
"I know what she wanted."
"But if that's what this is about then —"
"It's not that simple." Regina knew it better than anyone, and this sudden amnesia about the dynamics between Emma and her mother made her want to scream in frustration. She struggled to keep calm. "You know that. Not for me."
Regina hardened and slammed a door shut between them. "I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore." Regina spoke, practiced and controlled, yielding almost no emotion.
Her mother's death had broken so much inside her. Bright moments and people who loved her fortified her. She could rebuild around the pain. The one who made her trust in that the most stood before her now, threatening to leave her.
"This is my choice," Emma said. "It's what I want and it's something I feel I need to do. Shouldn't that be enough? We've always been there for each other. We promised."
Regina shook her head and didn't meet her eyes. "I can't."
Emma charged forward and lifted her chin. "Why?"
Regina's eyes grew brighter, her heart speaking, making them burn. Emma saw the words, too loud to be ignored, and the fear that kept them lost in silence. Her heart pounded, wondering if Regina would vault past the hesitations and doubts. Her lips parted as if she might.
"Everytime you get in that ring." Regina's chin trembled. "Every hit you take. You're asking me to make a sacrifice. It's not fair." She lifted her face from Emma's touch, steel again. "I'm sorry. If you are going to continue, I need to step back."
"What does the hell does that mean?"
"We should take some time."
Emma shut down, matching Regina, closed door after closed door. "You're leaving me."
Regina swallowed but this time, held Emma's gaze. "If that's how you wish to see it."
A tearing sensation inside her hurt more than any punch she'd ever gotten. "You know, you're right, there is a big difference between your baking and my fighting. I don't have a fucking handrail. I go all in. I don't settle and cling to things just so I can keep safe." She turned her back on Regina, not wanting to see the hurt she knew she'd caused. She blindly dialed the locker combination and failed. "You want to step back, then step back," Emma said. "Get the fuck out of here."
Even then, ordering her out, Emma hoped Regina would just walk it all back. She waited, clinging on to that thought.
"I'm sorry," Regina said.
Emma slammed her palm into metal, taking solace in the hollow sound. "Fuck you, Regina."
She heard the soft taps of Regina's heels as she left.
When Emma found the others at the entrance, Regina was gone.
#########################################################
Apple Valley, Ma
The Present
/Previously/
"My understanding of life's truths is a work in progress, but lies usually allow us to avoid what we don't want to acknowledge. That doesn't seem to be what you're doing now. You're being exceptionally brave."
Hearing that from Regina, especially from Regina, solidified her thoughts and her peace a little more.
"I..." Emma paused and drew in a deep breath. "I needed to tell someone. Well, not someone. You."
"Me?"
"Yeah."
Regina whispered, "Why?"
"Why..." Rocks clogged Emma's throat as she countered Regina's question with one of her own. "What's the real reason you couldn't watch me fight?"
/End of Previously/
The question hung between them, threatening to tip a whole pile of secrets carefully balanced on a fulcrum.
Regina's eyes lifted to the sky, and she shook her head. "We've never been ready for that conversation."
Emma supposed she bore the brunt of the blame for that. "My mom, then boot camp," she said.
"Yes, and then New York."
"And then you were in that thing with Camille." Even now Emma couldn't say the name without making a face. "You came home and so much was happening for you."
"You were so dedicated to your fighting. I agree, we can attribute some of it to life being a pain in the ass." She shrugged her shoulders. "But not all of it. I kept believing a magical opportune time would arrive. Everything would be calm and I'd be brave."
"Um, are we still talking about all the reasons we haven't talked or are we, y'know, talking?"
Regina brushed a bang of her hair back, out of her eyes. "Emma, it's been a very difficult night. For you, especially. This is probably the most legitimate occasion for me to question the timing."
Emma slid her hands in her pockets. "I keep wondering, if you had been in my life after the fight, would I have gotten so stuck? What if being honest is the only way I have a shot at moving forward?"
"I want you to have what you need. Whatever that means."
"What if I need to get things out in the open? What if I need you?" Her jaw flexed. "When you walked away from me..."
Regina bowed her head. "I know."
"No, I should've chased after you. I should've forced you to talk to me. I should have told you the truth. Look, we both know we're not just friends, right?" Ten years of avoidance, hiding and holding back, shattered. Emma cleared her throat, her breathing uneven and sharp in her lungs. "You and I both feel that way, don't we?"
Regina rubbed a hand over her face and laughed, surprised and shaky. "I agree that friendship only encompasses a fraction of what I feel. It's been two years and you can walk up to me in that stupid jacket, and I still— I feel overwhelmed, completely devoid of , you have no reason to forgive me and I have no right to ask you."
"How you feel about me, that's part of why you walked away?"
"I didn't know how my heart could cope if you were seriously injured. I didn't think I was strong enough to face that fear every time you fought." Regina remained open and vulnerable. Emma remembered how hard that had always been for her. "I did what I always do. I chose the safe path."
"Maybe I did too. In a weird way, it's easier for me to get my face pounded in than it is to tell someone how I feel."
"Well, I've always thought you were quite odd."
They smiled at one another for the first time in a long time.
After a moment, Regina grew serious again. "I was foolish. What you add to my life is worth challenging any and all of my fears. Emma, if you are offering to reopen the door on our friendship, that would be more than enough. And if you believe we are better off as friends, we could just leave it at that."
Emma took her hand and drew her closer, one step at a time. "Or not."
Questions and hopes joined the street light on Regina's face. "Or not."
Emma made a helpless gesture. "You've been fucking with my world ever since we met. And you also kept saving me. It kinda felt like too much to ask, for you to be…" The damnable words leapfrogged around Emma's tongue then disappeared into the night.
Regina's hand brushed down the side of Emma's jacket sleeve. An experimental gesture, one that made Emma lean a little closer. "I spent so much time being controlled by my mother. She used my love for her against me. I told myself it was a good reason to hold back. All of my plans kept me all but invulnerable. Until you. How am I supposed to manage anything if you shatter my heart?"
"What if we risk it? Both of us? I can't — my life can't just be about all the things I think I should have done or the stuff I think I fucked up. I want to stop standing still. Without you, I don't know if I'm brave enough. You make me a better everything. You always have." She tensed, almost hating herself for asking the next question. "Just, how do we handle the fighting stuff?"
"What if…" Her breath caught. "I didn't believe my heart was big enough to support something that terrifies me. Not even for you. But, what if we take your mother's advice and challenge our limitations?" Regina took the lapels of her jacket, pulling Emma closer. "What if you need someone to fuck with your world? And I need someone — you — to fuck with mine? I have lived a cautious, safe life." She took a deep breath and slid a hand up to Emma's shoulder. "What if I want you to take a sledgehammer to it?
Hope sparked inside Emma, an unfamiliar sensation. She nodded slowly.
"Okay, so." she asked for Regina's patience with her stare and parted from her. She knelt down on the ground and brushed away about ten years of earth, finding the initials they carved long ago. She took a knife from her pocket, glanced up to Regina and motioned for her to bend down.
When Regina did, Emma carved a plus sign between their initials: E.N. + R.M.
"What do you think?" She held her breath and waited.
Regina's fingers grazed over the back of Emma's hand as she slid onto one knee. She leaned up to kiss Emma's forehead, her hair skimming Emma's face.
Another brush of a kiss to Emma's cheek.
And near the corner of her eye.
Until finally Regina cupped her face and brushed her lips against Emma's own. Quiet, tender meetings of their mouths became a language for them, affirmation after affirmation. A swell of heat rose in Emma. Without a real release, every small touch lit a string of firecrackers inside her, popping and flashing sparks.
Emma drew back, conscious of the dew in the grass and the sound of a car somewhere in the distance. "We should probably get out of here. Before we get arrested."
"We could go back to my apartment. I'm not suggesting that we have to engage in anything carnal."
"Carnal?" Emma laughed, standing and helping Regina up too.
"I blanked on any other description. It's a perfectly functional word."
"Sure, functional carnality."
She cupped Emma's face, fingers tracing the plane of her cheek. "I just meant we — we can take this slow."
"Slow carnality?" Regina pushed at her arm and scowled. "I just meant, Jesus, how much slower should we take it?"
"I was trying to be thoughtful."
Emma couldn't hold back an impish grin. "Thoughtful carnality?"
"I hate you."
Emma's mouth captured hers, burning them both. "You wanted me to take a sledgehammer to your world? Maybe this is how, just by being together. Whatever that means tonight." It shouldn't have made sense, them speeding forward like this. It just somehow did. "Just...you're safe, okay? With me, you're always safe."
"I've always known that."
################################
It started with talking, mapping out for one another the road of their lives for the last couple of years more fully.
They lay in Regina's bed and tested how close they could get without breaking some invisible line they were still gathering the courage to cross.
At one point though, into a drifting, comfortable silence, Regina whispered. "I'm just trying to prepare myself one way or the other, do you think you'll kiss me again tonight?"
Emma tilted her head. "Part of me wants to tease you about your need to plan things."
"Don't. Please. I have no idea what I'm doing and it's intimidating enough."
"I've wanted to kiss you every day since we met, Regina." The pad of Emma's thumb grazed the curve of her lower lip.
Regina's breath caught. "We don't have to," she swallowed several times as if having to force herself to speak. "We can wait, or talk more. Or, if you want to continue to discuss what happened at PLB. Whatever you need."
"You know that winter formal you dared me to go to? When I saw you, I wanted to cross the room and ask you to dance." Emma's fingers rested on Regna's cheek. "I would have fought everyone in that room to be able to do that. You wore this gold dress and you smiled at me. You leveled me."
Regina's mouth took hers, hungry and blistering. Emma answered in kind, the teenage dreams mingling with her adult passion as she fed on everything Regina offered her. She slid atop Regina, pushing her to her back, panting and seeking the taste of her over and over.
"Emma," Regina groaned against her mouth.
Emma slowed down, tongue skimming and stroking between murmurs. Regina trembled but smiled which lit Emma's own.
"I wanted your letterman jacket immediately," Regina said, "I wanted to wear it because it was yours. After you gave it to me, at Harvard, I wore it to sleep sometimes." They broke apart to share the rush of joy, to nuzzle skin as their hands gripped fabric. "And the day I hugged you after you won your first match? I'd never felt need like that, being close to you was addictive. It scared me to death."
"Did you, um, ever think about us like this?"
Regina's eyes glowed, teasing and sensual. "Mhmm. Quite a bit. I thought about seeing you." Her nails grazed Emma's ribcage as she found the bottom of her t-shirt, helping Emma peel it off. Her hooded eyes took Emma in, without shyness or trying to hide it. She skimmed several light kisses down Emma's cheek, adoringly.
Emma stilled, too many currents inside her sparking at once. She leaned into Regina from above until she found the ability to move again.
"I've thought about —" Emma's fingers unbuttoning Regina's shirt completed part of the thought for her. Emma joined their mouths again, cupping Regina's breast over her bra. "— touching you."
"God, Emma. Yes."
That one word, a plea and a demand, shifted tectonic plates inside Emma. The friction built too fast and too hard. She didn't wait, her mouth sucking hungrily at Regina's nipple through her bra. Regina, impatient with the limited contact, jerked it from her body and brought Emma's head back down.
Emma recalled, in the vague fog of memories, that some of her earliest fantasies about Regina were about pushing her hand inside her panties. Maybe even being the first to touch her that way. The thought pressed like a brand burning her brain until she couldn't think about anything else.
"I wanted," Emma growled, "I wanted to be your first." Her palm pressing between Regina's legs made Regina gasp.
Emma groaned. She could feel the wetness of Regina's panties. Between her own thighs, a hard contraction of need. "It doesn't matter, but I wanted to be the first one to see you feel…I wanted to kick Camille's ass."
Regina caught her face and their eyes met. "You're the only one who's ever mattered."
Emma understood the completeness of it, like a vow. They would move worlds for one another. They had. They always would. She pulled Regina closer with one arm while her hand sought more intimate contact. Her hot mouth pulled at Regina's nipple, deep and slow. Her index finger skimmed Regina's clit. It throbbed for her, swelling.
"Yes?" Emma asked.
"Yes!"
That cry shuddered through Emma, her restraint crumbling and hunger rising.
Emma nipped at the other nipple, lapping her tongue against it, breathing in the apple-ginger body lotion Regina used, the one that had teased her senses for years. "Do you want me?" The circular pressure of Emma's touch increased, moving faster.
"God, so much."
"You wanted me back then?"
Regina reached for her, fingers combing through Emma's hair as her hips tried to keep time with Emma's fingers. "In perpetuity."
Emma had always loved the way Regina talked. She kissed her way up to Regina's neck, wanting to be closer, to hear her.
Regina spread her legs further apart, pleading for more, her thighs quivering. "I — I wanted to tell you. Kept waiting."
"I wanted you," Emma murmured. "Every time you slept next to me. Or smiled." She kept stroking, directly at Regina's center, not letting her go, not ever again. "Or made me taste whatever thing you were baking."
Regina's arm wrapped around her, embracing her hard. A promise even as she rushed toward fulfillment. Sweat rose on their skin and they moved harder against one another.
"More?"
"Please. Emma, please."
There. In her fantasies, she'd heard cool, composed Regina dissolving into mindless passion so many times. She thrust faster, as deep as she could. A third finger joined the two already inside Regina's ready and open body.
She feathered a kiss to the pulse point on Regina's neck, savoring the rapid beat. She whispered there, "You see me. You always have. And I see you. I need you, Regina."
Emma kept her thumb rolling against her clit. She watched the tightening of Regina's features, how her eyes squeezed shut, a crinkle just above her nose, her lips gaping open in pleasure.
So close, Emma thought, wanting to know this side of her as greedily as she wanted to know everything.
Regina fingers pressed into her lower back, crying out. "Waited so long."
'Me too. Now."
"Oh, god."
"I'm right here. Now."
"Emma," her name the last sanity before Regina's need overcame her.
"You're safe," Emma told her and raised her head to kiss her.
#####################################################
After, they tangled together, stroking, their lips brushing here and there against naked skin.
"You're sure you're good if I decide to fight again?"
"I don't know if I can watch, Emma, but I can be there. I will be there. Just one thing? Can you please make a decision? Fight or don't, but stop letting it hang over you like it is."
Emma moved an arm behind her head and looked up at her. "I lost."
"Yes, you did."
"The person I lost to is still the champ. And even if she wasn't, maybe I just — maybe I'm not good enough."
"I'm no expert in these things, but you ascended the ranks before; it's a reasonable assumption you can do so again."
Emma bent and skimmed her cheek against Regina's. "Very sensible."
"But Emma, your mother would never have agreed that you can only honor her by winning a title. That's a moment. A very good moment, but still. Believing that there's only one way to do something doesn't sound like your mother's point of view at all."
Emma wondered how Regina saw deep inside her and understood exactly what she needed. "You know, you're pretty smart. For the record."
"I am aware. For the record."
Emma crooked a finger. "Come here a second."
Regina leaned down and kissed her.
"Is it weird that this feels kinda...normal? I mean, not that that's not amazing. It is, I'm just surprised that it's kinda easy." She scratched her head, realizing all the ways her words could be taken the wrong way. "Not, like — we had sex, so we're both complete sluts now."
Regina pressed a fingertip to her lips. "You remember how you used to tell me talking wasn't really your thing and that you were better at action? Just kiss me, Emma."
Emma did, squeezing her eyes shut and savoring the slow dance of their tongues, gliding against one another unhurriedly. The need, coiling like a spring, already felt too tight, too many years of secrets and holding back — and she wanted so much that she barely knew where to start.
Inside, she thought, wanting to slide deep and hear Regina's low moan again.
Regina's leg pushed between her thighs. They tumbled over one another once and then again, both trying to control the release of years of fantasies.
It almost hurt to go slow, muscles straining too much.
In frustration, Regina slid down Emma's body, shoving her legs apart.
"Let me," she said, husky, and lowered her mouth. Emma forgot what she wanted, which of the hundreds of daydreams she'd been trying to make true. The strokes of Regina's tongue were light, sprinkling against her, preparing her.
Only when Emma's body rose, seeking more, did her rhythm become faster, whipping at her. Regina slid her hands under her to help her rock up and down.
Regina's voice didn't stop, sounds of pleasure in the back of her throat. Quiet murmurs of encouragement. "Mhmm," she sighed as Emma's body pumped. "That's my girl."
Emma didn't even know if she liked being called "girl," but her need became sharper when Regina said it. "Fuck," she groaned.
It felt like being claimed — Regina declaring to the universe, "Emma is mine"; so rare when the racing world left so many behind.
"That's it. Let me," Regina said, and made those sounds, those delighted purrs as she fed. Like how she baked, trying ingredients, stirring them then tasting. Humming in delight when she had the mix just right, taking another mouthful to be sure.
"Good girl," Regina said again and watched intently as Emma fisted the sheets, the muscles of her strong body straining, pulled too taut.
"Shhh." Regina slowed, teasing her with nips and hot measured breaths. It confused Emma; she'd been so close to shattering and now, that edge lingered.
A soft kiss brushed the apex of her heat. "One day, I'm going to do this for hours. Keep you right here."
Emma couldn't fight, her strength gone, helpless to Regina's whims. "Fuck."
"I'd sit in one of my AP classes and my mind would drift to you. I had a fantasy where I got on my knees and helped you prepare for a wrestling match." The timer ticked down, Regina disciplined about getting Emma to just the right temperature for just the right amount of time.
Emma cried out. She needed. She needed with every baking atom in her body.
"That's my girl," Regina whispered.
"I need to cum," Emma said, fist curled in Regina's hair.
"Yes, sweetheart. Cum for me."
Carefully readied, she arched, a hard wave of heat throbbing between her legs, followed by quieter ripples. "Regina," she gasped.
Soft kisses rained against her thighs in answer. The softness of Regina's cheek resting against her leg, smiling softly up at her.
Later still, they lounged on the couch, both in only shirts and panties, feeding each other ice cream and watching Carol on Netflix.
"You realize," Regina said, eyes bright and superior. "You're finally going to move in with me. And after an appropriate time, we'll get married."
"What? We just — I mean — we're barely — Regina. Just, shouldn't we give everything a lot of thought before we fully commit to stuff like that?"
"Emma, what's my favorite movie?
Emma cycled through her memory, responding automatically and fairly close to verbatim. "Trick question. You think it's an asine question given the number of genres, themes, and performances there are." Emma realized Regina asked to prove a point and she'd played into it. "That doesn't mean anything."
"You know me better than anyone ever has or ever will. Whether it's been two years or two hundred. And I know you. I understand you need to do the processing thing you do. My timeline gives you three months." Regina leaned her head on Emma's shoulder. "Now, shhh, you know how I am about my ambitions."
Before Emma could protest again, Regina pushed a spoonful of cookies and cream ice cream into her mouth.
"Um, it's..." She craned her neck to check the clock. "Fuck. Almost nine in the morning. I have to go to work soon."
"I have accepted that I am going to be late but, as I intend to resign, I doubt it matters." Regina glanced at her shyly. "I have the weekend off."
"I need to work today and tomorrow, but I have Sunday and Monday off."
"What if you came over after work tonight and stayed over till Monday." She smoothed her fingers over the arch of Emma's shoulder. "You could get some things from home, then, well, we could spend a few days like this."
Emma wanted to spend months like this. Not just the sex, but together. Just the two of them laughing over stupid things, or touching, or whispering secrets. Happiness, light and pure, became part of the oxygen she breathed.
"I could do that," she said softly, then cleared her throat. "And don't look at me all smug. That doesn't mean your greater plans for us are happening."
Regina schooled her features. "Nonetheless, I think I will clear out some space for you." She drew in a deep breath and Emma could tell her thoughts had shifted. "Monday will be quite the day. I will talk to my mother first, then my boss and hand in the letter."
"You know, you've been through this shit with your mom before."
Regina seemed bolstered by that. "Yes, I have. I'll offer to send her a cake this time. And, I think I should let her know that I am going to be dating someone she lovingly refers to as 'that lesbian wrestler'."
"Do you want me to come with you to the station? Like, in the car or something? And you've got the bank managers, right? I could be there for that too. If you want."
"Having you with me is exactly what I want."
Emma nestled into the warmth of her body for a little longer. "Right."
They finally left the house for something besides work on Sunday afternoon. They went to lunch and, as they crossed from a parking lot to the restaurant, she took Regina's hand.
Her fingers brushed Regina's at first. She caught her breath, and her heart took a break from beating until Regina answered in kind. They'd been having sex for days, and yet somehow, that moment seemed almost as intimate and important.
On Monday, when Emma went with her to meet with bank managers about a business loan, they held hands again.
Dammit, Emma realized, Regina was probably right about the marriage thing.
Later, they curled around one another in bed, close as they could. Emma whispered to her when they were both almost asleep as if her words were too much for the daytime or to be spoken too loudly. "I just feel a little better about a lot of stuff right now. Because of that thing I told you about Mom, and you make me feel brave." She ran her fingers through Regina's hair. "This is good. This is really good."
The freedom of being in love still felt very new, like they were testing that they'd really escaped the chains holding them back. Regina's smile against her neck, the soft kiss against her pulse point, made the admission worth it.
It took her a week to decide what to do next, how to keep her promise to Regina not to let the would she fight or not? question keep hovering over her. Grumpy's two-week clock also ticked away, which added to the pressure. She didn't want to use up his last bit of patience and lose him as a manager.
She only had one idea. She called the Flames and asked them to come with her, then she sat down at Regina's dining table and started to write.