AUTOBOT CENTCOM

1st BATALLION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE

06 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

FROM: Chief Medical Officer Ratchet

SUBJECT: RE:RE: Go frag yourself Smokescreen

I didn't stutter. Go frag yourself.

1. The only way my wrench could cause that kind of damage to those two glitched slaggers is if it was the size of Unicron.

2. IT'S NOT RED UNDERWEAR!! AND AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE AN ARROW ON MY FRAGGING COD PIECE!!

3. Jazz found out because you told him didn't you?! Patient confidentiality my aft! Now who's the Prime of Hypocrisy?!

4. I was not exaggerating. Wheeljack has blown off his left hand 29 times. I have the medical records to prove it.

5. There is nothing wrong with my personality! If anything is flawed it is your CPU for insisting that I continue to partake in these ridiculous "attitude adjustment" meetings! They are a waste of time! Just look at Sunstreaker! You've been making him go for over a vorn now and he still enjoys a nightly game of minibot bowling! Oh yeah, works real great Smokescreen!

6. My med bay was not dull; it was sterile! It was a clean, professional, place of work. Explain to me how I am supposed to accomplish the task of repairing damaged bots when I have a sun with a smiley face painted on one of my converted energon regulation units?!

7. There is nothing in my Autobot contract that states that I have to talk "nice." If you don't like it you can shove it up your tailpipe and twist.

8. Duct tape is not a marvel huh? What do you think has been holding your primary coolant pump together since the last battle with the Constructicons?

9. Low blow. I can't believe you just put me into the same category as Ironhide. Oh I just cannot wait for our next appointment. I am going to shove an arc welder so far up your aft that your motherboard will feel it!

10. Yeah, the medical tools Wheeljack has made for me are used on him! It's a vicious cycle that will never, ever, EVER end!

11. Oranges can make napalm. Google it genius.

12. I actually kind of wish Sideswipe had left me fallen off that cliff. It's not like the fall was enough to offline me, and it would have saved me from having to remove the lumber from his aft after his flying toy sent him crashing through half a forest after he dropped me off!

13. Oh…a game of human insults is it? Well I happen to like my motto you sorry sack of shit.

14. Alright, I can see how the antigravity unit, ball bearings, light bulbs, and copper wire worked into it but how in the name of all that is holy and unholy was the kitten utilized?! Is it even still alive?!

15. He is not a plushie! He is a companionable pillow!

16. Your shoulder missiles are nice but they are nothing without ME to calibrate their launchers.

// SIGNED //

RATCHET, CMO, AUTOBOT