AUTOBOT CENTCOM

1st BATALLION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE

07 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Chief Medical Officer

FROM: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

SUBJECT: RE:RE:RE: Go frag yourself Smokescreen

Here's a great idea, why don't you do us all a favor and go frag yourself instead?!

1. After the sort of trauma you've put those two younglings through I'm sure they would rather go against Unicron with wiffle bats for weapons then show up to one of your annual check ups!

2. Hey, I am proud to show off my arrow. So tell me, how much is Fruit of the Loom paying you to sport their product?

3. I didn't tell Jazz anything! You are the one who said Jazz knows these things before anyone else! No one knows how he does it! Not even Primus! Jazz. Just. Knows.

4. 29 times and medical records to back it. I honestly have nothing to say in response to that other than it's a good thing you don't charge us for repairs the way humans do. Then again, if we were paying you per visit maybe it would improve your bedside manner.

5. Minibot bowling?! You are aware of Sunstreaker's hostile activities towards the minicons and you do nothing to stop it?! What kind of doctor are you?!

6. The smiling sun painted on your converted energon regulation unit is not going to interfere with it's ability to function properly so quit whining. The rainbow painted on the extra electron displacer in the storage closet, however, might.

7. So there is no contract stating that you have to "talk nice." But don't you think you might get more cooperation from your patients if you at least tried to be a little more civil and less…oh what is the right term…sadistic?

8. You used duct tape to fix my primary coolant pump?!

9. Ratchet, everyone puts you in the same category as Ironhide. AND LEAVE MY MOTHERBOARD OUT OF THIS!!!

10. Not all of your tools are made by Wheeljack for the sole purpose of fixing his injuries. And we both know that you use those tools on other mechs as well. You probably use them on yourself too. Maybe even to touch up a certain plushie if a stitch comes loose?

11. Huh. Oranges really do make napalm. Go figure.

12. Sideswipe was very heroic for saving your unworthy aft from that fall. It is true that your probably would not have gone permanently offline; but he still saved you from the several injuries you would have acquired. I must admit though, the…lumber incident…was most regrettable. Even you had to have felt sorry for him.

13. Well I still say your motto is fucking retarded.

14. If you imagine the antigravity unit from a reverse polarity point of view you can get a better idea of how the prank worked. You know, I forgot to ask if the kitten survived. What a disturbing thought.

15. Companionable pillow? It's a pit spawned plushie and you know it.

17. My shoulder missiles can still be altered and used as explosives.

// SIGNED //

SMOKESCREEN, DIVERSIONARY TACTICIAN/PSYCH OPS, AUTOBOT