James and Laurent were both crouching, in a fighting stance. Victoria watched, unconcerned, as they lunged at each other. She blinked in annoyance when James threw Laurent like a rag doll in front of her.
"James." She snapped.
"Laurent!" cried Irina, who was standing nearby. "Oh, baby, darling, dear! Even though you were trying to kill James, I am still mad at him for trying to kill you! Now I'm not gonna help in your ultimate need for help, James."
"Who the hell is this, Vicky?"
"I don't know. Kill the bitch." Said Victoria, inspecting her nails. "We don't need her. She's not fighting anyone, I don't think..." Victoria paused. "Oh, wait...she's fighting that idiot Pansy. Her voice is too high for my liking. I will kill her for seconds." Victoria stood gracefully, and glared at Irina.
"You and your traitor boyfriend had better pull through for us. Verse me, James. And don't you dare hurt my nails."
"Your nails have been the same forever, darling." Simpered James, looking chagrined, his chagrined face hinting chagrin.
"Don't worry about them," murmured Irina in a soothing voice as Laurent rose, looking dazed. "They're just jealous."
"How so?"
"We Twilighters just insist somebody is jealous if they ever insult us or do anything at all not resembling love for Twilight."
"What the hell are you talking about, Irina?" Laurent murmured, chagrin obvious on his face.
"Oh, right, you died in the second book. Quit talking, I wanna watch." Irina sat down excitedly.
James and Victoria circled each other in a circle, eyeing each other in distaste, amusement and lust.
"I don't want to hurt you, Vicky."
"Oh, dear. Let's go back to when we were born, eh? We'll talk in that dialogue."
"Why?"
"Just to annoy the author."
"Indubitably, dear Victoria."
They continued to circle each other, when finally Victoria, impatient, lunged at James, who caught her and threw her down. She sprang back up, glaring at James.
"What happened to not hurting me? I mean, how does thou retreat on thou sacred promise?"
"It's the 1700s, baby. Women don't matter." Victoria hissed with rage. Though this was a natural Twilight theme – anti-feminism and sexism – she was still annoyed since this was supposed to be different.
"Why don't I just fight on the other side?" snapped Victoria.
"What happened to old speaky talk?"
"What happened to women don't matter?" Victoria ran at James, shoulder first, and tackled him to the floor. She proceeded to bite him everywhere she could reach.
"Ooh, yeah, baby, I like it rough – " She slapped him, scratching his cheek, and venom dribbled out of his white flesh.
"HEY! What the – "
"What happened?" Laurent stepped forward, his cautious pose held as Victoria still looked mad. Maybe she turned while she had her period? That would explain a lot.
"Well, the other day, a girl fell into a plot hole, she got scratched up pretty badly – if the venom acts like blood, to explain the whole baby thing in Breaking Dawn, then vampires must bleed venom, shouldn't they?"
They all blinked in astonishment as this fact settled in.
"Who is this so-called author? He needs to get a life."
"He? HE? Who said it was a he?! It's a she, you egotistical, masochist vampires!"
"Whoa, Vicky! Chill. What's going on?"
"Don't you tell me to chill, you smarmy bastard! Coward! Running off to Denali when the going gets tough, then coming back to eat the skinny little bitch when the other vamps are gone! You know what? I'm done with it! FIGHT VOLDY ON YOUR OWN! I'm going to go and LAUGH AT YOU ALL! Maybe I should go hang with Hermione! SHE'D ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM! A WOMAN!"
Victoria stormed out. Very dramatic stuff. Possibly ruined by pointing it out.
"W-well." Stammered Laurent. "At least you're not like that, Irina. All self-righteous and...and equal-rights wanting." Laurent shuddered. No one could really blame him – he was a Stephenie Meyer character, after all.
James turned angrily at the author, who happened to be standing nearby. "Come on. You're being a little harsh – I mean, it's not that bad."
"MAKE ME!" cried...myself. "It is so that bad you are just blinded by the so-called strong characters, like Alice, Rosalie and Esme! Read between the lines!"
I jumped out of the picture, disappearing over a cliff of ink.
All the characters shook their heads and returned to practise. Harry Potter fans are so weird, they thought.