"Carlisle," Esme smiled seductively, her lingerie swaying slightly. "Come to bed. We'll play doctor."
"Not now, Esme!" snapped Carlisle, staring at several sheets of paper lying on his desk. "I'm checking Jacob's chromosomes."
"What? What the hell for?" Esme pouted angrily. If he would take the time out of his day to check the werewolf's biology, why would he not check his sperm? She wanted kids so badly.
"Well, you know. Curious."
"Aren't you curious as to what's under these ... well, I suppose you can call them clothes." Esme smiled, but Carlisle continued to stare at the sheets.
"Doesn't make sense...what was that, Esme? Look, Esme...sex...after turning...well, it's a little gross."
"Excuse me?"
"Well. Think about it. It's cold, dry, won't stretch so there's not much room...it's...well, it's uncomfortable."
"Carlisle."
"What? I'm telling you the truth."
"I hate that bitch Meyer...didn't she pass High School Biology? I mean, she has DOOMED me to an eternity of death!" That makes sense if you think about it.
"Also, the kids can hear us when we...er...go at it."
"What?"
"Super sensitive hearing. Just as well we're an open-minded family. I mean, we let the kids play with each other..." Carlisle ran a hand through his hair. "Damn Meyer. Damn her."
"I hope you mean that literally."
"I do." Carlisle shut the light and crawled into bed. Esme smiled, but to her chagrin, Carlisle had brought a book. It was called, How to eradicate annoyingly clever witches and wizards by King Lyk Srowling.
"I wish you got me a copy of that." Esme growled.
"Oh...but aren't you the mother stereotype that does nothing but cook and clean and be motherly? I didn't think you could read."
Esme hissed. "Stupid, generalising Stephenie Meyer!"