Understand
She explained it all to me – all of it that she could understand. Rei told me how to her, people's thoughts come in at different volumes and different levels of clarity. They're most understandable when the emotions of the person she's listening to are at a high. It's like every radio station is turned on at the same time to her. I don't have that same level of awareness, but I'm aware of her. I hear her thoughts. And she takes advantage of that. She talks to me telepathically.
It feels like I've been hit in the face by a ton of bricks.
At school, Rei and I don't talk. She sits alone at her table at lunch and I sit with Shige and Sho like always. She looks at me, but she says nothing. I nod in her direction very faintly, and she understands. Understands what, I don't know. But she seems to understand. Thankfully, my two knuckleheads for friends don't notice the exchange. Neither does anyone else.
Outside of school is a different story. While the sun is still up after I get through with soccer practice, Rei spends the afternoon/evening at my house. We sit on the deck again, watching the leaves slowly start to turn and BS English homework together. I help her with algebra. She gives me answers to English questions and explains why she thinks something is the way it is. We share pictures we've taken with our phones. She puts her number and her screen name in my phone. I do the same with hers. We don't talk about what she said on Sunday, and I can't bring myself to ask any questions about it. It feels like a taboo. Instead, we play with Holmes for a bit, then talk about people we know. Teachers who piss us off. Other kids who are either really nice or really mean. Or really dumb. Even though she probably knows bits and pieces about my life, I tell her about my parents – how my dad played soccer and he had the same idea for me. How I didn't want him controlling my future and living through me. The divorce that followed afterward. A custody battle. My dad remarrying and why I question his motives. Things I usually don't like to think about – let alone talk about – mostly because I don't want people taking pity on me.
"I'm sorry about your parents," she whispers. "I understand how that feels, having your parents fight and then your entire family as you know it break apart. It happened with my parents, and I don't think I've forgiven either of them, really."
"What happened?"
"My mom got bored with my dad," Rei answers in monotone. "She wanted to move back to Canada. My dad wanted to stay in Tokyo because of his job. They also disagreed about my brother. He didn't act like the other boys. My mom thought he was too girly, which my dad found ironic. Dad said Shuuya was fine the way he was, and that we shouldn't try to force him to be anything other than himself. Eventually Mom got fed up and she filed for divorce. She got custody of both me and Shuuya, and she moved to Toronto with us. We rarely got to see our dad. Just during summer vacation if he wasn't swamped with a project."
"What does your dad do?"
"He directs anime." Her face betrays her pleasure at the thought. "Since he was a kid he loved anime and wanted to direct it. That's kind of how my parents met. It sounds really geeky, but it's true. My mom came to Japan to teach English, and after a year she married my dad." A small giggle. It gives me butterflies in my stomach to hear it. "My dad never outgrew his thing for anime, but my mom did. She told him to grow up and man up, and my dad didn't, according to her. She blames him for Shuuya being gay, which is stupid."
"Where's your brother right now?"
"The cemetery," she says flatly. "He swallowed a bottle of aspirin and slashed his wrists. I found him in the bathroom. It was a couple of years ago. Shortly after my mom remarried." A single tear slips down her cheek.
"Oh my God..." You stupid, stupid jerk! You made her cry! "I'm so sorry, Rei. I..I-I didn't know."
"Don't beat yourself up." She sniffles and brushes the tear away roughly with her sleeve. "I don't tell a lot of people about my brother. It wasn't just my mom who didn't accept him. My step dad, a bunch of my friends, people in school. They all ridiculed him behind his back. Alyssa – my half sister – and I didn't, but we were the only ones." A long pause as she chokes back a sob. I want to tell her she doesn't have to go on, but my own throat has a lump in it. Words won't come out for the life of me. "Once he wore a small bit of eyeliner to school and he came home with a bunch of bruises and a black eye. My step dad said he had it coming. My mom confiscated all of his makeup, but he just wound up borrowing mine. Eventually he started spending less time at home, and soon he stopped coming home altogether. Mom called the police, they dragged him home, Mom forced him to go to therapy to deal with his 'disorder,' and soon his depression got worse. Then one day, after school, he decided to do it." Her crying is uncontrollable now. She buries her face in her hands, glasses and all, and I carefully wrap my arm around her shoulders. "I stopped believing in people after that. There was just no point. It was people who did this to my brother. People who claimed to love him."
"I have to say you have me beat," I force myself to chuckle even though it's inappropriate. Rei pulls her glasses off and looks up at me, and for the first time I really see her face. I mean really see it – the tiredness, the sadness. For the first time I notice that her eyes are glassy and pained, and I see dark circles under them. She doesn't sleep much. There are small indents on the bridge of her nose where her glasses sit. She's biting her lip, tearing dried skin off of it. Black streams of tear-diluted makeup stain her cheeks. I want more than anything to hold her as tightly as I can and tell her it'll be okay, but I'm not sure if I believe it myself. I feel so damn bad about it. So guilty because I can't do anything for her. It's not like I can bring her brother back.
"Even before that, though, I wasn't happy at home. I tried running away, too, but the police found me quickly and brought me home. I kind of feel like my home is still in Tokyo, though, with my dad. At least there I know someone loves me." She sighs. "I couldn't go back to Japan, though. I'd be better off finishing high school first."
"I...I'm so sorry, Rei. I don't know what to say."
"Stop apologizing. It's not your fault." She pauses to sniffle, then she gazes up at me. "You're actually kind of nice. Nicer than I expected you to be. I'm not sure why I feel like I can trust you so much, but I do." Through her pain, Rei smiles the smallest smile in the world. "I'm glad you listened to me."
"And I'm glad you trust me," I answer, smiling back. She giggles her soft, airy giggle, and my stomach does a roundoff. Why do I feel like this?
The next day, Rei does something I sort of didn't expect. She sits next to me at lunch. It didn't bother me, or anything. It just caught me off guard.
"Why are you looking at me like that, Tatsuya?" she asks. "Aren't we friends?"
"Oh, we are." I'm quick to assure her because I sort of want to be friends with her, even if she's loony. She needs a friend. "It's just that in school you usually keep to yourself."
"I felt like a change," Rei declares simply.
Jamie Hammond and her flock of sheeple pass by us and sit at the table behind Rei and me. Desiree is among them. She flashes a death glare in our direction.
Sho and Shige act like nothing's changed. Everything's normal as it should be even though an unfairly dubbed social outcast has joined us. Even though a girl has joined us. I'm glad that they're not being obnoxious about it, though. I thought I'd have to knock Shige's block off for making fun of me, or wrongly accusing me of being in love with Rei. I'm not. I just care about her is all. I'm...concerned. And she's really quite nice once you get her to open up.
She gives them the more kid friendly version of her past – living in Japan, her dad directing anime, and her mom remarrying and that's how she wound up in Canada. Nothing about her brother or her step dad being an asshole. She gets through it without crying. No worries about streaks of mascara today. I offer her an encouraging smile.
"That's really cool about your dad." Sheer amazement is plastered on Sho's face. "He must be a really cool guy. I always wanted to meet an anime director!"
"Geek!" Shige pretends to cough. Sho's completely oblivious.
"Yeah, he is..." Rei looks rather wistful. "He sends me DVDs for my birthday and Christmas. Sometimes some CDs too. It's better than importing."
"Lucky!"
"I wish I could live with him, though." Rei sighs.
"So I heard it's supposed to rain on Saturday," I quickly interrupt. I'm praying to God that Rei doesn't break down, mostly because I will along with her if she does. "It's gonna suck if it rains during our game. Playing in the mud is a bitch."
"I always get so tired playing in the mud. It's kinda fun, but you have to kick the ball so much harder." Sho breaks away from his fantasies of anime and manga straight out of Japan.
"It's a strain on your twelve year old legs, isn't it?" Shige is rewarded with a nudge in the ribs. "Come on puppy, admit it. You're not really fifteen. You're lying. Your birth certificate is forged!"
"I am so fifteen!" He kinda sounds like a little kid. "I'm older than you!"
"Just because your birthday is a few months before mine, it doesn't mean we were born in the same year."
"You know, Shige," Rei starts, her lips curled in a playful grin, "most people would argue you're a kid who's just big for your age and hit puberty early. You sure act like it."
"Yeah, when's your birthday?" I can't help but join in.
"You know my birthday, Tatsubon. It's July 8th."
"Of what year?"
"...Every year."
Sho and Rei laugh while Shige smirks smugly. He thinks he's clever. He actually kind of is. He just chooses not to act like it.
For a while it feels kind of nice with all four of us at the table, like we've been sitting together our whole lives – best friends since birth. It's amazing how quickly Rei amalgamated herself into our group and made it feel so natural. The only thing reminding us that it wasn't always so is the icy glares I know are pointed in our direction.
When the period ends, Jamie "accidentally" trips Rei. I catch her, my arm right underneath her boobs. Soft. Warm. We both blush and then walk away once I let go of her. It's weird. And in English we don't look at each other. It's like things went back to square one when she ignored me and I ignored her.
Once, for a split second, we make eye contact in the middle of Miss Tartaglia's lesson. She smiles at me meekly, and my stomach flutters again. Why does she do that to me? What is it about her that trips me up so suddenly? My face heats up. I try not to think about either her or Miss T, but it's hard. Miss T's looks do everything but discourage attention, but with Rei sitting in the same room I get conflicted – like I don't want to upset her. But why should it matter? We're just friends. Unlikely friends, but friends nonetheless. I draw squiggles in the margins of my notes, trying to distract myself.
I'm curled up on my bed forcing myself to read a tedious section in my chem book. I haven't made it past the first page. I keep reading a paragraph, forgetting what I just read, and going back to reading it again. I should give up for the moment, but it's late and I won't get back to it before third hour tomorrow. And chemistry for me is third hour. Fuck.
My phone chirps and vibrates across my night stand. The screen flashes "Incoming Call" with Rei's name. I answer.
"What's up?" I picked up expecting to hear Rei, but instead I hear an eight year old's voice.
"Hello? Who is this?"
"I should be asking that," I say in my best kid-friendly voice. I don't get to practice this much. I'm going to go out on a limb here. "Is this Alyssa?"
"How'd you know?! Are you psycho or something?!"
"You mean psychic, and no. Rei told me about you."
"There's no Ray here. But Evan's here. Wanna talk to her?"
In the background I hear Rei chastising her little sister, and she snatches the phone out of her hands.
"Sorry about that. My sister likes playing with my phone." She's breathing heavily. There must be a lot of commotion over there.
"That's alright. I understand." Really, I don't, but she can't hear my thoughts over the phone. Just what I say. "You sound busy."
"Just a bit. Alyssa's being a pain today."
The eight year old voice shouts "Am not!" in the background. I laugh.
"It's times like these when I'm glad I'm an only child."
"Not for long though!"
"Don't remind me. I shudder thinking about my dad procreating at his age. I don't know what Ayako sees in him."
"Don't look at me. I don't know either."
There's an awkward silence that follows. I'm still thinking about lunch. The accidental boob brushing. More than that, the fact that she could read my mind like an open book – or listen to it, more like an audio book. She knows that I didn't entirely dislike what happened. I don't think she did, either, or else she would have said something to me. She certainly hasn't failed to say when she's mad at me before.
"Rei, about –"
"Are you doing anything right now?" she cuts me off. I guess what happened earlier is bothering her, too. I stare down at my chemistry book and snap it closed.
"No. Why?"
"I might come over again today." Another pause. "I need to get out of this house."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Alright. Thanks." The line goes dead.
Takako and Yuriko look at us funny as they pass through. Rei and I are playing Crazy Eights at the kitchen table. She's oddly silent. I'm not used to her being quiet around me – not when it's just us. Never when it's just us. For three hands we play in silence, and each time she beats the pants off of me. The girl is a card shark, and when she's playing her face betrays no emotion. None. It's like she's a life-sized china doll dressed up like an emo kid: cold, lifeless, and man made.
"Are you okay?" I ask as she gathers up the deck. Rei inadvertently pushes up her too-large sleeves, and I catch a glimpse of white scar tissue.
"I'm fine." Her tone is as inhuman as her behavior. It's scaring me.
"Your....your arm?"
"What about it?" She glances down at it and pulls the sleeve down. "It's fine."
"Oh..but–"
"It's fine."
I shut my trap. We play another uninspired hand of crazy eights before I throw down my cards in boredom.
"What's wrong?" she asks innocently.
"You're really quiet today."
"I'm always quiet."
"Not around me. You usually have a lot to say."
"Not today." Rei refuses to make eye contact with me. She's being difficult.
"Why not?"
"Because there's nothing I feel like talking about."
Deafening silence. I swear I can hear the chemical reactions going on inside of me. It's so infuriating, and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with her.
"This is weird," I grumble.
"What is?"
"...This." Isn't it obvious what I'm talking about? "It feels like you're upset with me about earlier."
"Why would I be mad?" She asks it so innocently, I'm really starting to think she didn't notice, but part of me is convinced she knows. She just doesn't want to talk about it.
"I just thought...that maybe..uh...forget it." Uncontrollable blushing starts now. I can't help myself. It's too embarrassing to say to her. It's too much for me to even think about, which is ironic. Why does the boob accident bother me but not ogling Miss Tartaglia? What's so different about Rei? Is it that she knows what I'm thinking? Or is it something else?
"You're kinda cute when you blush, Tatsuya." She giggles that airy, light giggle she has.
"Just like you're cute when you throw tantrums." Those cursed words spill out before I can stop them, once again. This time, though, Rei smiles. My guts won't stop fluttering. Her cheeks are tinged with a slight shade of pink; she lives.
For the longest time we just stare at each other, gazing into each others' eyes. Sharp, clear, refreshing green meeting my plain, boring brown. A sort of electricity I've never felt before floods through me, and I unconsciously reach for her hand. It's cold, clammy, and small inside mine. It's easy to forget that compared to me, Rei is tiny and fragile. Most of the time, around me at least, she acts like she has a slight Napoleon complex. She doesn't think about being short and skinny.
"Do I make you nervous?" I ask.
"No. Why?"
"You're sweating." I think I'm starting to sweat a little, too. "Your hand."
"Oh." She doesn't seem to be worried with what I just said. "You're sweating, too."
"Oh..."
We're still gazing like we're in a stupor, and I can't let go of her. My mind is screaming for me to do it just to prove that I can, but my hand is lifeless, permanently clamped around Rei's hand. I study her small, round, face, and for the first time I notice that her lips are very pouty and parted slightly. They're the kind of lips I'd like to kiss, but with Rei that's going a bit far. I barely know her. Of course, in the past this hasn't stopped me. There are a few incidents where I've kissed girls I barely knew – mostly at parties. Never like this, though. Even still, I'm leaning in, slowly and deliberately, yet I can't help it. I just want to...
"You're fogging up my glasses, Tatsuya," Rei points out with a chuckle. She doesn't push me away, though, and her breath tickles my nose. My lips curl into a small smirk and then very gently I press them against her mouth, closing my eyes. The electricity running through me multiplies a hundred fold and...I think I'm getting turned on. I completely wasn't expecting that...okay, maybe I was expecting it a little bit. A small part of me did, but most of me was completely taken aback.
She pulls away.
"Is something wrong?" I still haven't let go of her.
"Someone's calling me," Rei whispers.
I watch as she pulls her cell phone (seemingly) out of thin air and answers its vibrating alert. Her voice is suddenly meek and subdued, and I'm so drawn to finding out what it is that's going on. It might be nothing; it might be critical. It shouldn't be any of my business and yet I want it to be. I want to be such and important part of her. Why?
"I have to go now, Tatsuya," she tells me, closing the lid of her phone slowly. Rei looks disappointed at the news, and I can feel that disappointment in my gut. "My step dad wants me home. Something about watching Alyssa while he and my mom go out. I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine!" I'm quick to reassure her. "Really, um...I guess...I'll see you tomorrow?"
She smiles. "Sounds good."
I walk her to my front door and she acts as humbly as the first time she ever came over. We mumble our goodbyes, me feeling a little let down that we didn't get to go further, and as I open the door for her she turns around and smiles at me.
"By the way, you really are a good kisser."
Cue face heating up. Before I even start to stammer something embarrassing, Rei stands up on her tip toes and pecks me softly on the lips. Lord knows I want to tell her something along the lines of "you aren't so bad yourself." Even though it's not the greatest line in the world, at least it would be something. But alas, the words don't come out. Rei just waves goodbye and starts walking home. I'm a little scared to let her leave this late, but she got here with no worries. Eventually I ease myself into believing she'll be fine.
Oh, if only I knew how wrong I was.