Disclaimer: Based on a suggestion by Ziima on the Elderburnin' Discord, inspired by Myles Kennedy's acoustic version of "Watch Over You". I advise you give it a listen before reading, as I'm busting out the old songfic. Also, be prepared for angst. I mean it. Don't come at me 'cause you're crying in the club (but there is a happy ending). Also, warning for alcohol and drug abuse mention.
Yang sat on the edge of the fountain, lilac eyes unseeing as she stared down at the guitar in her lap. She had so many fond memories of this place- dates and gatherings and just walking through to enjoy the brisk night air. Playing on one of the benches with her girlfriend, their voices and chords filling the air, and even getting a few lien tossed into their guitar cases, though they didn't make a habit of busking too often. Just when they wanted to enjoy the music, and the warm pleasure of a small audience… but those were only memories now. Never to be lived again.
"Yang?" It stung, a little, but only just; it made sense that Winter wouldn't use the pet name that had fallen so effortlessly from her lips in the past. Not after the blonde had packed up her guitar and essentials, leaving their apartment almost a month ago to try and drive a point home.
A point that, sadly, wasn't heeded.
Looking up, Yang locked eyes with the woman. She looked so much thinner than before, with heavy bags under her eyes and a shake to her shoulders, no longer held in Winter's usual poise. They were hunched over and she looked so frail- a shadow of her former self.
But her heart hardened against the sight. She'd asked the woman to come tonight for one reason and one reason only.
Settling her guitar in her lap, she began strumming, picking out the notes for a song she'd spent the past month writing. They'd always connected with their music; it seemed the only language left to her.
"Leaves are on the ground, fall has come, blue skies turning grey, like my love." She sang the words softly to start, gathering courage as she went. "I tried to carry you, and make you whole, but it was never enough, I must go."
A year ago, they were happy. So happy. Fall had just started setting in and they were working on an album together. They might never make the billboards but that didn't matter; as long as they had a roof over their heads, they'd be alright. They'd make do.
But then the summons came, the military making good on their promise to call Winter back to active duty. A short tour, she'd been assured, a simple mission.
The first proved true. The second? No…
"Who is gonna save you, when I'm gone?" Yang didn't have the strength to look up yet but her voice now filled the night air, along with the chords. "And who'll watch over you, when I'm gone?"
She didn't recognize the woman who came back from war. Winter jumped at almost everything, snapped at almost everyone, got frustrated so easily, and, at first, Yang was patient. The woman always apologized the moment she came to her senses, she never meant to raise her voice, to flinch, to clench her fist- she just wasn't there.
So, Yang waited. She waited for Winter- the real Winter- to come back.
"You say you care for me, but hide it well." Her eyes darted up then, filled with accusation. "How can you love someone, and not yourself?"
It took two months after returning before the woman she loved started losing even more of herself. First, to drink. Then, to drugs. And Yang could handle the smell of booze on her lover's breath, the rank stench of dried alcohol on her clothes- she could. But not the needles. Not the withdrawals. Not the moods swings and the arguments and the constant fighting- no, not that.
"Who is gonna save you, when I'm gone?" She tried, though. Yang went and picked Winter up- off the floor of bars, off the street, off the floor of their apartment. She did her best. "And who'll watch over you, when I'm gone?"
But her best could only hold out for so long.
"And when I'm gone, who will break your fall? Who will you blame?"
A month ago, she reached her breaking point. Between trying to keep the rent paid and her girlfriend from overdosing, Yang found her limit and she did something she swore she'd never do: she laid down an ultimatum.
Either Winter checked herself into rehab or they were through.
"I can't go on, and let you lose it all, it's more than I can take." But she continued seeing her girlfriend, calling Winter her girlfriend, because she believed the woman would snap out of it, would realize that she had to do something. But a month later… she had to draw a line. "Who'll ease your pain? Ease your pain…"
Tears slipped out. She'd tried her hardest to hold them back but the memories had started mixing together- the soft afternoons, the shouting matches, watching movies together, dragging the woman out of some seedy bar, playing and laughing and the passionate kisses, and the cold shoulders and dirty needles and glasses thrown against the walls.
The woman she loved and the person she'd become.
"Who is gonna save you when I'm gone? Who'll watch over you?" She almost choked on a sob, doing her best to bite it back and keep singing, because she couldn't bend now. She couldn't break. Whoever stood in front of her, with those blue eyes glistening with tears, it wasn't the woman she loved. It wasn't her Snowdrift. "Who will give you strength when you're not strong. Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?"
Almost as if on cue, soft flakes of snow began falling from the sky. It was the arbitrary deadline she'd set, because between the two of them, Yang was the one who loved snow, especially the first snowfall of the year. She'd drag Winter out, both bundled up against the chill, and watch it come down.
But not this year.
"Snow is on the ground, winter's come." She summoned all her strength for the final lines. "You long to hear my voice, but I'm long gone…"
And she could see in the woman's eyes that Winter understood. That this was it.
The final notes faded in the air as the snow continued to fall around them. The tears hadn't stopped for Yang but she'd accomplished when she set out to and stood up, reaching for her case.
"Yang-"
"I said all I needed." If she let herself listen to one more excuse… she honestly didn't know what would happen, so she refused, busied herself with locking away her guitar and slinging the case's strap over her shoulder.
"Please, just-"
The crinkle of paper caught her attention, and she turned around to see Winter holding something out. Slowly- and against her better judgment- she reached out and took it, glancing at it briefly before her brows furrowed, staring down at the little slip of paper.
A letter of admission to a rehab program.
"I know it's too late." Lilac eyes looked up, watching tears fall down Winter's cheeks. The woman hated crying- hated even more to be seen crying but, here, they cut lines down her haggard face. "I know I can't take it back. I know I can't get it back- get… you…" She paused, swallowing hard, likely forcing down a sob. "I just- I need to know. I can- I only get a few… personal effects." She reached into her pocket and grabbed something out, holding it towards Yang. "May I take this? That's… all I want to know. Just- just a nod or- or a shake. I won't… I won't ask you to say more."
She looked down at it- a photograph, worn at the edges and weathered, faded by a sun that shone down on a land far away from their home. The two of them, smiling wide, guitars in their laps on a sunny day in this very park, faces pressed together as they looked at the camera…
"You still have this?" She couldn't help the question as it left her lips. Winter had showed it to her before- the picture of them the woman had carried in the pocket of her uniform every day while she was gone.
"It's the only thing that brought me back." Her voice cracked and she looked away, sniffling even as her tears continued. The woman had always been so… dignified. "I'd like to keep it. Take it with me. Even if… even though it's a thing of the past."
Yang almost took it all back. Almost. "Yeah." She handed the photo back. "Sure."
"Thank you." Winter carefully tucked it back into her jacket, the fabric sitting so awkwardly on her frame. "I… put the rest of my things into storage so… the apartment's yours."
Slowly, she nodded. Part of why she'd brought the woman out to the park was so Blake could use her key and clear out her things- the important stuff, at least. A clean break. "Alright."
They stood there, the snow falling all around them, words lodged in throats until Winter cleared hers. "I… have a cab waiting. I'm checking in tonight."
"You'd better get going, then."
"Right." She nodded, taking a step away but lingering for just a moment. And, Maidens help her, but Yang almost gave in, because for a moment, she saw a glimmer of the Winter she loved when blue eyes, still crying, looked back at her. "For what it's worth… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being an idiot this whole time. I'm so sorry."
"That doesn't erase what you've done," she said, somehow summoning the strength to rehash the very argument they had the night Yang walked out.
But unlike then, Winter nodded. "You're absolutely right."
Then she turned around, going back the way she came.
But she couldn't let those be the last words from her mouth. "Winter." The woman stopped and looked back. "… good luck."
A weak, watery smile. "Thank you. You too, Yang."
In blue eyes, she saw the same words she'd held back. Because even through everything, she still loved Winter- the real Winter, the woman she could see barely starting to come back. Not saying the words 'I love you' turned out to be the hardest part… but Winter held them back, too.
They knew they still loved each other. Maybe that's what mattered.
Shoving her hands into her pockets, she turned away and started walking, head down and shivering slightly against the light chill. She thought she'd feel lighter or, at least, more at peace… but a question kept whispering in the back of her mind, so she pulled out her scroll.
"Hey," Blake said, the moment the line connected. "How'd it go?"
"Did you move my stuff?"
Feline ears twitched. "No."
"So, you knew." She sniffled, the sob she'd held down bubbling up. "You knew she got in."
"Yeah." Her lips pressed into a thin line. "But you didn't make the decision to do this for her, Yang. You did it for you. Regardless of her actions, you needed it. You needed to say goodbye. And she needs to do this not for you but for herself. She's been leaning on you for too long. She needs to use her own feet."
Her eyes squeezed shut. "I love her."
"I know you do, Yang. No one's ever doubted that." Another sob and a stuttering breath. "Come back to your apartment. I'm going to stay with you for a few weeks, okay?"
"M'kay." She hung up, scrubbing at her face, trying to stem the flow of her tears.
She loved Winter, she missed her more than anything… and she'd had to let her go to save her own sanity.
The snow clinging to her hair felt cold and she hurried her steps to get out of the weather.
Winter sighed, sitting back and running a hand over her face. Another dozen job applications- that seemed like a good stopping point for the day. While she didn't mind the job the program arranged for her at the local grocery store, she needed something a bit more challenging, more engaging.
Pushing away from the computer, she logged off and went to the mailroom, nodding and greeting the various service members also occupying the wing. She'd made a few 'friends', in a sense, but truly prized the quiet time in her room. As soon as she stopped to see if Weiss had dropped anything off for her, she'd probably retreat and listen to the new album she'd bought last week.
It hadn't made the number one spot but it did alright. Winter thought it did better than it would have had she continued working on it; Yang had a way with lyrics and chords, and her voice just had a raw sort of passion that could move just about anyone. She thought it might've hurt more, all the songs being entirely unfamiliar, not a single one they'd worked on together appearing, but she just felt… happy and proud.
Yang… she deserved it. And so much more.
"Ah, hello, Ms. Schnee." The man everyone called 'General' smiled. "You have a package."
"From my sister?" Despite stopping by, she hadn't actually thought Weiss brought her anything; it was more because routine, she'd found, soothed her.
"No." His lips curled into a smile, handing over a box wrapped in plain brown paper.
Winter raised a brow but shrugged- perhaps Blake had brought her another book- and accepted it, heading back to her room before tearing the paper off and opening the box, shaking out the contents.
Her heart stopped in her chest as cool metal fell into her hand.
A custom picture frame, with a little white snowflake and a little yellow heart, silver bordering the same picture she had sitting on her desk in a cheap picture frame she'd bought with her first paycheck.
Tears immediately sprang to her eyes, the action of wiping them away drawing her attention to the little folded piece of paper that had fallen to the floor. With a shaking hand she picked it up and unfolded it.
Snowflake-
Congratulations on six months sober. Weiss says the program allows visitors. If it's okay, I'd like to stop by. Call me?
-Sundrop
And a number written at the bottom.
Winter set the picture on her desk, beside the one faded one, and went straight to the scroll bank, almost running through the halls.
In the back of her mind, she told herself to not hope. Yang… had always been so forgiving, so affectionate, so loving- the return of their pet names didn't mean anything, really.
But just hearing her voice again…
After signing in with the attendant, she sat down at a terminal and dialed the number, nerves frayed as it rang. She tried rehearsing what she'd say if Yang had changed her mind, if she went to voicemail, but all too soon the line connected and- and there she was.
It felt like years since she'd seen the woman. The time away at war and the fog that had consumed her upon returning- all her memories of that time were blurry and disjointed. The faded photo had served as her only concrete connection to the love of her life- to the woman she'd driven away in her selfish downward spiral- but it didn't compare to the screen before her. Shining lilac eyes, a bit of a glow to her cheeks, golden hair tousled in her trademark style, and a smile that could light up a room- in an instant, she fell in love, all over again.
"Yang." By some miracle, she'd retained enough of her composure to not let the pet name slip. She didn't have that right anymore. "You're glowing."
"Yeah, I've been getting a lot of that recently." The blonde laughed, a free and joyous sound. Oh, she'd missed it so much. "You're looking better yourself."
"Sobriety is a good look for me." She scrambled, reaching for something- she didn't want to encroach on boundaries but she wanted to say something.
As usual, Yang beat her to the punch. "It really is." She shifted a bit. "Hey, listen. I… wanted to swing by. It's… been a while since we last saw each other. And…" A pause, a little twitch at the corner of her mouth. "I miss my friend."
It both did and didn't hurt. "I've missed my friend, too. If- if tomorrow works for you-"
"It does."
"Four o'clock?"
"Sounds perfect." An easy smile. "So. How far along are you in the program?"
"I'm, uh… a little hung up on step nine."
And her smile widened. "I have the weirdest timing, then, don't I?"
Talking to Yang had always been easier than drinking water and she fell back into the rhythm without a second thought.
The next day, she waited near the foyer nervously. She'd put on her best suit, pulled her hair back into the bun she used to wear all the time, even used a little bit of perfume- she wanted to make a good impression. That she really was doing better.
But, in the back of her mind, she very firmly reminded herself that she'd burned her bridges. She could make her apologies but she couldn't demand or expect forgiveness.
"Winter?"
Her head snapped up, a smile spreading on her lips given pause as her eyes went wide.
Yang waddled towards her- waddled because of the size of her belly, and for a moment, she thought her heart might burst.
"You're pregnant?" Her lips pulled into a smile, because while it hurt, Winter could see the way the woman absolutely glowed with happiness at the acknowledgement. And that mattered much more. "Congratulations! Boy, girl- how far along are you, how have you been, why didn't you mention this yesterday-"
"Okay, one question at a time, please?" She laughed, such a bright sound, and accepted Winter's help over to the nearest table. "And, hey, this place ain't so bad. Still a little surprised you didn't want to meet in a coffee shop, though."
"I, uh, I'm still… restricted in where I can go." A small shrug. "Military sponsored rehab programs are a bit more rigorous. I need nine months sober before I can start… going out again."
"You must be going stir crazy." Yang settled into the chair and sighed heavily in relief. "Ah, I feel like a whale. Seven months of this has been ridiculous, lemme tell ya."
Winter nearly missed the chair when she went to sit town, somehow transitioning the motion into something slightly more respectable, though she didn't miss the amused twinkle in lilac eyes. "Seven- seven months?"
"Yeah." And just like that, the blonde's good mood evaporated, expression turning hard. "And I don't know the sex- I didn't want to know. Not until I talked to you."
"Me? It's- the baby's mine?" She immediately put her hands up at the slight scowl leveled her way. "I'm not- no, I mean, I'm just a little- little taken off guard, I'm not implying that you, I just-" Stopping, she composed herself. "Yang, it's the first time I've seen you in six months and you're pregnant. I thought… maybe you'd found someone and…"
Her lips pressed into a tight line. "I went on a few dates. Before and after I found out." A sigh slipped past her lips, the line of her shoulders relaxing. "But… then I stopped. Dating, I mean- I just wasn't into it."
"Then… you've been… going through all this-"
"I have Blake and Weiss. Ruby's been around, too, and she has all her friends taking shifts checking on me, it feels like. I haven't been alone." A little softness came back to her expression. "Oh, and don't hold it against Weiss. I know she's your sister but I told her she couldn't tell you. You needed to focus on this."
"No, I understand." And she meant it, every word. "You made the best decision you could and she respected your wishes. If there's anyone to blame for my absence, it's me."
"Is that all you have to say?"
"What do you want me to say, Yang?" Tears stung at her eyes but she held them back- not out of pride but because she'd seen the way her tears had almost broken the woman's resolve six months ago. She wouldn't use her own pain to force Yang's hand. "That I wish I was there? Because, I do. But I also realize that if I'd just listened to you and gotten help, I would've been there."
"If you had gotten help, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now."
"But we'd still be together," she said and nearly cursed, leaning back in her seat and passing a hand over her face. "I mean, we might be. We might've had a chance, at least. To…"
"To start a family?"
Winter looked up and met Yang's gaze. "Yes."
"Do you think we can? Now?" She gestured between the two- well, three- of them. "Do you think we can be a family?"
Her mouth opened, words ready to pour out, but she held them in check, examined them, tossed them aside. Begging for a chance right now- that wasn't the answer Yang deserved.
"I'm not sure," she replied, speaking from the heart- not what she wanted but what they both needed. "Do I want to be? Yes, of course. Yang, you- you're still the love of my life. I want nothing more than to be with you, with our child." She paused to breathe, to steady her voice. "But you deserve to be with someone who will love you, cherish you- someone you can trust to not hurt you, and I did. I hurt you. I broke you down, I wore you out, I grinded every part of you- I did that. It- it was the addiction and the fear and the self loathing, yes, but it was mydecision to fall deeper into it when you did everything you could to get me help. I didn't listen to you when you needed me to… and that was wrong of me." Tears slipped out but she quickly wiped them away, shoving aside the agony the words brought. They needed to be said. "So, if you can't trust me to not hurt you, then we can't be a family. I broke your trust once, Yang, and it's not up to me to determine if I should get a second chance. But I know you deserve more than the doubt and the worry and the pain. Our… your child deserves better, too." Her eyes flicked down, a thousand daydreams she'd entertained over the years flashing in front of her eyes. "I'm sorry for all I've done, Yang. For letting my addictions overpower everything else, for turning away from you except when it served me, for hurting you, and watching you hurting, and just making it worse. I don't know of anything I can do to make amends- it's, it's what's had me hung up for so long, because I don't think I can. If something occurs to you, let me know, but just… I am sorry, Yang. From the depths of my soul, I am, and I wish beyond anything that I could take it all back."
For her part, the blonde remain stern. "Are you saying that because you think it'll sway me?"
"No." A short, weak chuckle burst from her lips. "Yang… you've always been the sort to stick with your gut. The entire time you've been sitting there, you haven't changed your mind; you'd made it up long before you walked in here." She looked down for a moment, trying to hide the way that single truth hurt. "You've probably known since the moment you found out you were pregnant whether or not I'd ever be part of that child's life."
"You're right." Yang nodded. "I told myself I wouldn't let that lousy addict anywhere near my child. I grew up wondering where one parent had gone and living with an alcoholic; I will notlet any kid of mine go through that combined in one. I'll tell them exactly what happened to the no-account ass who couldn't even pick herself off the floor most nights."
There was a little heat to the words and, as much as they stung, Winter accepted them, because she was right- she was absolutely right. And even if she still loved Yang with all her heart, she'd never nurtured the hope that she might take her back. She'd known about Raven and Qrow, about how the blonde had to grow up so fast to help raise Ruby- and she made her mistakes anyway. Another of her many, many faults. "I understand."
For a moment, lilac eyes watched her, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it didn't, she tilted her head to the side. "So why are you still here?"
"Because I can't be that person again." She shook her head. "Our apartment was the place where the happiest moments of my life happened. And I turned it into the home of my childhood- broken, littered with alcohol and regrets and shattered promises and broken dreams." Again, tears stung at her eyes, keenly recalling the night about a week after Yang walked out when she'd sobered up enough to have a startling moment of clarity, when she'd looked around the apartment at the patched holes in the wall and the broken glass and the mess and her own busted guitar and it hit her like a sucker punch what she'd done, what she'd irreparably destroyed. "I took the greatest thing to ever happened to me and twisted it into something awful. And I can't go back to being that person again. And I can't forgive myself for letting it happen in the first place. That's why I'm here."
That was something she was still working on with her counselor. They butted heads over it constantly. He wanted her to forgive herself but how could she? How could she ever forgive herself now?
"You need to forgive yourself," Yang said, getting up from her chair and waving off her attempts to get up and help. "On top of finishing out this program, you need to do that."
"How can I-"
"You can and you will." Lilac eyes fell on her, pinning her in place. "You need to close this chapter in your life. You can't take it back, you can't change it, but as long as you cling to that guilt, you're carrying that demon around with you. And you can't have that." Yang reached out and grabbed her wrist, lifted it so her hand could rest on the woman's belly. "We both need you to put it to rest."
Winter opened her mouth to say something but the words caught in her throat as she felt something- no, as she felt her unborn child kick or punch or something, moving around, right there, just beneath her fingertips.
"I told myself I wouldn't let that addict anywhere near my kid." Her expression softened again, the barest hints of a smile at the corners of her mouth. "But… I want my Snowdrift back. I want the woman I fell in love with back. I want that woman to be with me to raise our child." Her eyes watered. "I didn't know who I'd find until I walked in here, but I knew I'd see one or the other, and the decision would be made." Two tears slipped down her cheeks. "And I found my Snowdrift."
It took a moment to process. For her to truly believe what she'd heard.
And then, another kick under her hand.
"Yang…" Her tongue darted out, wetting her lips as she took a gamble. "… Sundrop."
Yang laughed, and it sounded just as bright and happy but also wet, like a sob had gotten caught in there somewhere. "Maidens, it's been so long since I've heard that."
Winter stood up, knowing better than to go for a kiss so soon but unable to stop herself from wrapping the blonde up in her arms- slightly awkward, what with her belly, but that just made it better as she began crying in earnest, and for the first time in far too long they were tears of joy. "We're having a baby."
"Yeah… we are." When arms wrapped around her, Winter's eyes slid shut, and she couldn't believe how incredibly stupid she'd been to ever give this up, to think anything could be better than this feeling. "I'll talk to the administration. I'm sure they can grant special leave or something; I want you to be there when they're born."
"I'm sure they'll be compassionate. I've been a model participant." She winced. "Well… after my withdrawals, anyway."
"Oh, I can imagine." She winced again. "But…"
"It's in the past. Never again." Quickly, Winter did the math in her head. "By the time I complete the program, the baby will be four months old."
"Around that, yeah."
"Will you… when you get the chance, will you bring them around for a visit? Until I get my privileges? Then we could… go to the park or something-"
"One step at a time, okay?" Yang chuckled. "But, that's a good idea. We'll revisit it later."
Although she'd drawn back a little, Winter remained loathe to break all contact completely and, blessedly, the woman in her arms seemed of a similar mind. They stood there, only as far apart as Yang's belly forced them to be. "Have you… thought about names?"
A pause, lilac eyes darting to the side. "I was thinking… Summer Willow Schnee."
"I…" She swallowed thickly. "I think 'Xiao Long' would be more appropriate."
Yang chuckled. "Yeah, but, four names? Kinda a mouthful."
"It's a good name," she replied. "It's yours."
A hum and a smile. "So… if my guess is right, you don't have a guitar here, do you?" She shook her head. "Mind if I bring mine next time I come?"
Winter smiled wide. "Are you gonna play for me?"
"Actually… I'd like to hear you play." Her shoulders fell a little. "When I was putting together my album, I went back and listened to the demos we recorded together. I just… couldn't do the songs on my own; they don't sound the same without you."
Well, that explained the album, at least. "I'm… probably more than a little out of practice… but I'd love to."
"Great." She nodded towards the entrance. "I, uh, have to get going. Can't exactly ride a motorcycle like this and Ruby's waiting in the parking lot."
"Oh, of course. Thank you, for coming by… and…" There were so many other things she wanted to say right then, but she settled for another gamble, following Yang's left arm down to gently hold her hand, lifting it up so she could brush a soft kiss against her knuckles.
And much to her relief, the woman laughed. "That's exactly how you introduced yourself the first time we met. Fitting for a fresh start." She turned, proceeding to waddle her way out. "Don't let me down, Snowdrift."
"I won't, Sundrop." She watched Yang go, scrubbing at her eyes a few more times. She'd dreamed a hundred times of seeing the woman again, but none ended like this- and this was *real*. Once the blonde had vanished from her sight, she turned and went straight to the library. "Doctor Goodwitch? Are there any books about child rearing here?" For a moment, the doctor's gaze flicked down to her belly. "Not me- my partner, she's pregnant, and I won't complete the program before the baby's born."
"Oh, well, congratulations." Her brows drew together. "Is… this the same partner you spoke about in group? The one you lost because of your addiction."
"Yes." And, Maidens forgive her, but she couldn't wipe the smile from her lips. "She's taking me back. We're- we're going to start a family."
"Well, now, that is some powerful motivation. Not that you didn't already have plenty." She beckoned her forward with two fingers. "Follow me."
Winter still had months to go before she could be out but she wouldn't spend her time sitting idly by, no- that was exactly what she'd done after coming home, and it lead to her filling the hours with drink and worse.
She would not make that mistake again.
Never again.