Disclaimer: A sequel to Watch Over You… because… warnings for more mentions of alcohol and drug abuse.
Yang sighed, running a hand through her hair and pacing through her living room. The past few days, she'd been restless, absolutely incapable of staying still for more than a handful of minutes, tossing and turning at night. Considering she'd passed the thirty-six week mark, she'd originally thought it was a product of the baby getting ready to come, make their grand debut, but she should still have a couple weeks, and the idea that this might continue all the way to the due date did little to settle her.
Her gaze fell on her guitar and she contemplated sitting down and trying to play or write a song but threw it out; she didn't have the attention span for that at present. Her mind seemed to keep flipping between topics, like a tv with a busted remote, scanning channels faster than the images could be parsed. Frankly, the only thing that could hold her attention seemed to be the one topic she probably shouldn't be thinking about, considering how she was supposed to be minding her stress levels.
Yet, Yang found herself going back to worrying about Winter. It almost felt like a prison, in some sense, with the regulated visiting hours and lack of personal liberties, and it felt strange to schedule around therapy sessions and the woman's mandated job, but what worried her most was how Winter had acted during their last visit. She seemed anxious, worried, and there were bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. When she'd asked, the woman hadn't been very forthcoming in explaining herself, waving off her concerns as nothing more than a bad night's sleep.
But Yang had become far too experienced at seeing through the woman's facade. Winter was hiding something, and the possibilities of what her former addict girlfriend might be hiding while at a rehab facility had her entertaining all sorts of impractical possibilities- was she training elephants for a zoo, was she preparing to go into space, was she digging an escape tunnel in the middle of the night- to avoid the dreadful alternative. Because she'd asked, point blank, if Winter was still sober, and she swore that she was. Yang believed her.
But the fear that she'd be proven wrong preyed on her in the wee hours of the morning.
"I gotta get out of my head," she said, alone for once without someone keeping an eye on her. Weiss and Blake were off doing something, Ruby had work, and after the last time someone dropped by to keep an eye on the irritable pregnant woman, they'd all agreed that it should really only be friends and family accustomed to Yang's snappish anger to provide her company. Which, on a day like today, didn't really bode well.
Finally tired of being cooped up in her apartment, Yang grabbed her keys and went out the door, no destination in mind as she allowed herself to wander. She probably shouldn't be going out for a walk, considering she was almost due, but she'd worked out up until last month, so it couldn't be that bad an idea. Plus, fresh air always calmed her down. No reason it shouldn't now.
Yang carefully made her way down the steps, then turned up the street, waving to neighbors who obviously wanted to caution her but had learned the hard way that it wouldn't be a good idea. She was pregnant, not invalid; some people preferred to rest but she simply didn't, and would probably never be the sort if she ended up getting pregnant again.
Now, there was a thought she hadn't yet considered, putting a hand on her belly as she walked, not thinking too much about the slow pace of her waddle.
They hadn't set anything in stone yet. Winter seemed too… well, guilty over the whole thing to make any suggestions or ask any questions, and it did bug her a little bit that the woman seemed so hesitant, but it did make planning for the future a tad difficult. It made sense, of course, and surely things would get easier once she'd hit her nine month mark and they could see each other outside of the rehab facility. Until then, she had to entertain the hypotheticals alone, mulling over whether or not her girlfriend would return right away to the apartment or if they'd spend some time apart- almost like they were dating again, not picking up where they left off. But, that would be pretty hard to do with a baby to think about, because Yang keenly remembered looking after five year old Ruby when their dad got too overwhelmed, and five year olds could at least feed themselves, kinda. Ruby might help, and Weiss and Blake would most certainly pitch in, but the child's was Winter's, and she seemed excited about being a parent. Yang would probably be hard pressed to turn down enthusiastic help.
She blinked, suddenly realizing that she'd walked towards the park where they used to play, stopping before she entered it properly. She hadn't set foot there since that night…
Could they ever go back to the way they used to be?
"Fuck." Lilac eyes closed as she tilted her head back, trying not to cry. Damned hormones making her emotional- she'd done a good job of keeping herself together, but the past few months had tested her in every way.
Well, now what?
Yang scrubbed at her eyes, looking around and spotting a cab idling not too far away. She hadn't meant to walk this far and she probably wouldn't make it back without stopping for a rest.
"Hey, buddy, you on the clock?" She could think of at least twelve different, nicer ways to phrase that, but didn't have the energy for pleasantries. Despite the exercise and the fresh air, she still felt restless, and that annoyed her almost as much as the indecision and not knowing did.
The driver looked her over and nodded. "Sure, lady. Where to?"
She gave him the address while climbing in the back, too busy relaxing in the air conditioning to care about the curious look he gave her in the rear view mirror.
So… aside from running herself in circles, she hadn't come to any conclusions. Part of her wanted to just invite Winter back home straight off- maybe they wouldn't share a bed or even think about rekindling the intimate side of their relationship for a while, but they could inhabit the same space, right? But another part cautioned her, warned her that too much too fast might break Winter's sobriety, and she had to scoff. She'd never thought of the woman as fragile in any sense, yet that seemed to be the way she approached everything now, as if simply accepting her back into Yang's life might have some terrible effect, make things worse than before.
But could they really get any worse?
Of course they could, that was a dumb question.
"Here ya go," the cabbie said, prompting Yang to look up and furrow her brow.
"Is this the address I gave you?" Closing her eyes, she passed a hand over her face, not expecting to see the rehab center looming ahead of her. "Where is my head today…"
"Look, if you wanna go somewhere else, I can take you. Free of charge." He shrugged. "I get it. You got a lot on your mind."
"No, this is fine." She fished out some lien from the pocket of her sundress, silently grateful she had enough for the fare, plus a decent tip. Wouldn't be able to call one to get back home, though, but she'd deal with that later.
Since she was here… she might as well see if she could pop in on Winter. Their visits might be less frequent in recent weeks, but she remembered the hours all the same.
Making her way through the doors, she offered a tight smile to the man behind the desk. "Hey, James."
"Miss Xiao Long! Good to see you!" His expression fell a little. "Can I get you anything? Bottle of water?"
"I'll be fine." She waved him off, leaning against the counter for some blessed support. "Can you let Winter know I'm here?"
"She's not in, but the shuttle's coming back now. Her shift just ended."
"Really?" She glanced at the clock, now worried she'd gotten even more mixed up than she thought. "I thought she had the early shift at the grocery store?"
"Well, usually, but she's been working doubles recently." He winced. "Though, I don't think I was supposed to tell you that."
Yang tapped her fingers against the counter. Well, that at least explained why Winter seemed tired. She probably only had the prescribed lights out to relax and sleep, and that was set at the bare minimum eight hours.
But… why did she suddenly need extra money?
"Oh, perfect timing, there's the shuttle now."
Yang turned to look through the glass doors at the front of the building, watching as other members of the program disembarked while laughing and joking, lining up on the way to entrance like they were expecting a football team to run between them.
As it turned out, they weren't waiting for some sports team or celebrity; they were waiting for Winter, only slightly struggling with a box almost bigger than her and something slung over her shoulder. As she stepped off the shuttle bus, the others started cheering loudly, making total fools of themselves, and Winter bore it all with the little smile Yang had only seen come out when dealing with other soldiers- equal parts 'fuck all of you' and amusement.
That lasted until Winter got to the door, shock splaying over her expression as she realized who was standing there.
"Yang? What happened- you didn't walk here, did you?"
"No," she replied, consciously leaving out the part where she did do a bit of walking, purely because her girlfriend had already gone into a mild panic, demanding bottles of water and a towel in that crisp, military tone she used when addressing just about anyone in the facility. "I was just… I dunno. I missed you and- wait, what is that?" Now that it wasn't moving, since Winter set it down while looking for a bottle of water, Yang could not clearly make out the picture on the side of the box. "Is that a-"
"A rocker? Yes," she replied, accepting a bottle from James while throwing a rather pointed glare at someone who had the temerity to ask if she wanted a clean cloth. "When Weiss and Whitley were small and fussy, I would rock them a little to settle them until Klein arrived. I wasn't very good at it but it seemed to help." She glanced at the box. "I thought… since it'll be some time before I can do it myself, this might help once the baby's born. I wanted it to be a surprise."
Although Yang had a few more questions, they could wait, a soft smile coming to her lips as she accepted the bottle handed to her, drinking the refreshing water- not too quickly, her girlfriend cautioned, in that 'I'm trying not to freak out but I'm a little freaked out' way she had, that she would deny vehemently if confronted. "And you got yourself a guitar."
Winter raised a brow, probably surprised by the non sequitur before catching on, glancing at the guitar case over her shoulder. "Oh, no. This is for you, actually." Pulling the strap over her head, she lead Yang over to a chair, practically demanding she sit down before opening the case and presenting the guitar, though her nerves seemed to get the better of her at the last minute. "You… said you wanted one, so…"
Once again, she felt the urge to cry, but this time it wasn't hormones preying on her but genuine surprise and awe overwhelming her. "That's… a Blueridge BR-160- is it new?"
"Yes."
Tentatively, she took it into her hands, brushing her fingers across the strings- her father had taught her how to play on a beat up Blueridge when she was a child, and he'd taken it as payment for some work he did on a neighbor's house. She'd always wanted to get a brand new one to play but they were fairly expensive.
Suddenly, she recalled one warm summer day, walking with Winter downtown and seeing one in the window of a music shop. She'd told her girlfriend then that she wanted one and Winter had chuckled, promised her it'd be the first thing she bought when she returned from her call to service.
"Snowdrift…"
"I know I've broken a lot of promises," Winter said, looking at her then with sorrow in her eyes, but something else too- steely resolve. "And I know it might not mean much, but what broken promises I can mend, I will. This is long overdue, Sundrop."
"So this is why you've been pulling doubles? To buy all this?" Almost immediately, her girlfriend shot a look at James, which pulled a watery laugh from her lips. "Don't give him a hard time."
"I won't; I just know better who to tell my plans to." Winter shook her head, her expression falling slightly. "You thought I was using again, didn't you?"
There was no accusation in her tone; just a sort of resigned acceptance with hope shining beneath.
"Honestly, the thought crossed my mind, but I believed in you." She shrugged nonchalantly, not missing the way her girlfriend smiled, proud to have lived up to expectations. "Unfortunately, that left my imagination a little too much fuel to run with. Just checking, but you aren't training elephants at the zoo, right?"
The look in Winter's face then- a perfect mix of lovestruck awe and disbelief- finally set her at ease. Maybe they would never be exactly like they were before… but maybe it was better that way. It might be a while until their trust fully reformed, forged from trial and error, but it would be stronger, as long as they played their parts- and Winter certainly seemed to want to play hers. To keep her promises and be there for them.
"Ah!" She jerked, hand clutching her belly as their child seemed intent on being part of the moment as well.
pop
"Oh, I think your bottle sprung a leak," Winter said, calling over her shoulder and hardly paying attention to the way a doctor's head snapped their direction, the woman's heels clacking as she headed straight for them. "Could we get some more towels?"
And that's when Yang noticed her bottle- empty for at least a minute now- and her soaked thighs. "Snowdrift, the bottle isn't leaking. I am."
While some part of her was genuinely freaking out- at least three weeks early, and where was the damn hospital again, and how was she going to get there- another part of her greatly enjoyed watching her girlfriend's expression slide from befuddlement to understanding to escalating panic as she shot to her feet, still holding the guitar.
"The baby- the baby's coming?"
"Yeah."
"Right now?"
"Yeah."
"Right now?"
"Well, I can ask them to reschedule, but I don't think we want to pay the fee."
A string of nonsensical words that might have been altered profanities left Winter's mouth as she tried doing about six different things at once. Thankfully, the doctor from before seemed more than aware of the situation.
"Miss Xiao Long, I'm Dr. Goodwitch; which hospital were you planning on going to?"
And she couldn't help but smile, despite everything- or maybe because of it. After all, she really couldn't think of a more apt way for her pregnancy to end, considering how it began.
She had her Snowdrift back- maybe not quite where they were, but they were getting there- and one hell of a story to tell when it was all said and done.
Come to think of it… might make for a good song.
Winter looked herself over in the mirror, trying to ease her nerves. She'd finally made her nine month mark, moved into the quarters on the other side of the facility, and today would be her first outing since checking into rehab. Dr. Goodwitch explained that the sudden freedom and change in living arrangements often put a bit of stress on those in the program; those who stood a good chance of falling back into bad habits would usually do so about this time. It constituted the first real world test of resolve and dedicating to defeating addictions- three months of monitored freedom before she'd be formally discharged and able to start rebuilding her life.
Smoothing out her shirt- a nice, pale blue button up she'd just got the week before- she deemed it nice enough for a trip to the park, with some faded jeans and her hair pulled into a low ponytail, bangs pushed out of the way and tucked behind her ear. Yang had mentioned maybe walking around the park, taking turned pushing the stroller, or just sitting by the fountain and talking- just an opportunity to be somewhere other than the facility as a family.
It still awed her, to some extent. She'd entered the facility wholly believing she'd lost one of the most important people in her life and she stood a good chance of leaving it with not only Yang waiting for her, but a little girl, too. Perhaps it still hadn't sunk in, yet, the weight of that idea, because she looked forward to her release date with an almost painful sort of excitement, dearly wishing she could open her eyes and it would be the day. If asked before all this started whether or not she wanted to be a parent, she probably wouldn't have given a straight answer, at once liking the idea and absolutely against it- considering her own childhood, she most likely lacked the skills and experience to be a decent sort of role model and, in light of the circumstances, she'd proven those fears rather well founded.
But it didn't matter now. She had a daughter, a precious little girl, and she couldn't allow herself the excuses. She would have to learn to be a good mother, a good parent, a good role model- she'd have to learn how to be better than she was when she entered this facility, because two people more than anyone else depended on it. And she would not let them down again.
"Knock knock." Surprised, she spun around, taking in the sight of her girlfriend leaning against the open doorway, a diaper bag over one shoulder while their child rested in her arms, wrapped up in a thin blanket to keep out the early autumn chill. Yang looked exhausted but smiled all the same, casting her gaze around the room. "Wow, most people would hardly call this a dorm room, ya know. Maybe a closet but not a room."
"Believe it or not, for military lodging, it's rather spacious," she said, crossing the room in three strides and pulling the woman into a gentle hug, trying not to disturb the little bundle in her arms. "May I?"
"Absolutely," Yang replied, transferring their daughter to her arms. "The car ride quieted her down. I'm gonna save up some money, enough for a down payment on a van or something; I can't bug Ruby or Weiss in the middle of the night but wow do car rides work like a charm."
Her brows furrowed, a moment passing as she visually confirmed she was holding the newborn correctly before looking at her girlfriend. "She hasn't been sleeping through the night?"
"Not for the past couple weeks." She scrubbed at her eyes, which looked puffier than the last time they saw each other; Yang had always carried herself well when worn out, hardly displaying any overt signs, but now that Winter was closer, she could see them. By her guess, she'd been missing sleep for about three weeks, at least. "I can't figure out what it is. I took her to the doc the first week to make sure it wasn't an ear infection. If it's colic, looks like I've got another month or two ahead of me before it clears up, but the doc didn't think it was. I've got another appointment scheduled for tomorrow, just in case." Her expression lit up a little, a smile spreading across her lips. "But, for what it's worth, that rocker helps. Doesn't stop her crying but it'll settle her down a bit. Kinda what made me think a car ride might help. And she loves it during the day."
"I'm glad." Winter brushed her finger's along the baby's cheek. "Why don't you sit down for a minute?" Her eyes quickly flicked to the clock mounted on the wall. "My free time doesn't start for another ten minutes."
That technically wasn't the truth; she could come and go from the facility as she pleased now, but she'd told Yang to meet at two-thirty, so she could probably get away with the little white lie, considering her aims.
"I dunno." She eyed the standard issue chair with a little frown. "That thing doesn't exactly look comfortable."
"Oh, it's not." Winter laughed, nodding towards her bed. "Just sit on my bed. The wall isn't very comfortable either but it's at least more forgiving."
With a shrug, Yang trudged over, the tightness in her shoulders and shuffling of her feet speaking to her level of exhaustion. Knowing her girlfriend as she did, Winter expected that about half came from being woken up by a crying baby while the other half resulted from fretting over said baby.
With a sight of relief, she dropped the diaper bag at the edge of the bed and climbed on, leaning back against the wall. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, of course, but it gave her some support while she tilted her head back and closed her eyes.
"Might just rest my eyes for a minute." A deep, slow breath. "How's your therapy going?"
"Good," she replied, softening her voice while smiling down at the little girl who'd just opened her eyes, only now apparently aware of the change in scenery around her and mirroring the expression up at Winter. "Dr. Goodwitch thinks I'm progressing along the anticipated rate. I should be clear to leave on my release date, provided I continue making strides. She also mentioned that the support group isn't for active program members only, so I'll probably look into incorporating a meeting to my week once released."
She paused, giving it a moment before looking up and biting her lip to keep herself from chuckling.
Yang's chin had dropped to her chest, her shoulders entirely relaxed, and as Winter stood there watching, she snored very, very lightly.
"Perfect." A family outing to the park sounded lovely but her girlfriend needed sleep, needed uninterrupted rest, and this seemed to be the only way she could provide that. "Okay, little Zephyr, I need you to do something for me." She knelt down, grabbing a blanket tucked into the big pouch on the front of the diaper bag and spreading it out on the tile of her room, hoping it wouldn't be too hard or cold for her little body. "I need you to be quiet for just a moment; I'm going to help your Momma lay down, and then I'll be right back."
Setting her daughter on the blanket gently, she watched for a moment for any sign of discomfort or distress before nodding and going to the bed. It took some doing- and plenty of hushed reassurances that everything was alright- but she managed to coax Yang into laying down with her head on the pillow. She couldn't draw the sheet over her girlfriend, what with the bed being made and all, but she'd bought an extra blanket on the off chance Yang wanted to do a picnic some day, and it seemed light enough that it would do for a nice nap.
The moment she finished, she picked up her daughter once more, more than a little surprised that she'd managed it all without waking up her girlfriend or upsetting their daughter.
"Thank you, Zephyr." She pressed a kiss to the little girl's forehead, delighted at the way she squirmed, trying to reach out with her tiny hands. Winter went over to the aforementioned uncomfortable chair and sat down, not even noticing the lack of padding as she held her daughter. "Now, we need to have a little talk, you and I. I know you're hardly two months old and this is all new to you, but your Momma's trying her hardest. If you're sick, that's one thing, but if not, do you think you can let her get some sleep tonight?" She carefully moved her arms, freeing one hand so she could adjust the little yellow cap on the baby's head. "I promise, if I'm there, you can wake me up every hour on the hour, but Momma's tired. Just give it a few more months, okay? Can you try?"
She received no answer, of course, and she didn't rightly expect one. Still, something about talking to her child made her believe that the words were understood, at least in part, so she continued.
"Now, I know this is going to be hard to understand, and I'll tell you again once you're older, but I'm… well, I'm not there for you right now. Not the way I should be. And I'm sorry for that." A frown touched her lips. "I'm sorry, Zephyr. You deserve so much better from me and I know your Momma's giving you everything she has in her. As soon as I'm out of here, I'll give you that, too. I want you to know that I regret the decisions I made that put me in this position and I would take them back if I could. But I will never regret you. I love you, Zephyr, and I'm going to do what I must to ensure I never let you down like this again. I promise you that. Okay?"
She'd wanted to say those words for a while now, since she first held the little bundle of joy in her arms at the hospital, but never found the right moment. Usually, what time she got to spend with Yang and Zephyr focused on the moment, not the past, but she needed to acknowledge it, as much for her own recovery as for Zephyr's. There were words she'd yet to say to Yang that still needed to be said- and she'd find the moment for them soon- but with this out of the way, she could at least feel a bit more at ease. Not a lot, of course, because the baby couldn't understand her, smiling whenever Winter smiled on reflex, but one day, she would.
Time passed in that strange way it did whenever she found herself lost in a task, at once seeming like an eternity and a brief moment, but Winter's head snapped up some forty minutes later, eyes narrowing as she heard the beginnings of someone being rowdy just down the hall. Her eyes shot over to Yang, still dead asleep and snoring softly, but she got to her feet anyway and went to the door. It would be better to shut it, though it wouldn't keep all the noise down, but standing policy dictated that it remain open whenever visitors were present or the occupant was away from the facility, to ensure no contraband was being hidden, and she'd come too far to risk negative actions when she'd just earned the privilege of seeing her girlfriend and child.
So, she did what she would've done if she still had her rank and uniform, going to the doorway and silently glaring down the hall at the troublemakers. Some people might not be able to pick up on the distinct feeling of a stare boring a hole into their back, but most service members gained the ability early in their careers, and the lot threatening her girlfriend's slumber noticed immediately they were being watched. When they saw the baby in her arms, the group immediately split into two factions- the 'tiny humans are nothing but trouble' part and the 'babies are adorable; may I hold her?' part, the former looking a touch miffed that their amusement had to be toned down while the latter seemed hell bent on ensuring no one disturbed the little one.
Satisfied that, for the time being, everything would be alright, Winter ducked back into her room, reclaiming her spot and trying to soothe Zephyr, who'd started squirming in her arms.
"Hush now, they'll be quiet and Momma can sleep, there's no reason to be upset." Her words didn't seem to help the situation, however, her daughter's expression beginning to pinch together. "Wait, wait, don't cry, I'm not mad, everything's fine, it's all- wait." She looked up at the clock, noting the time. "It's three- hungry, you're hungry aren't you?"
Not that Zephyr could answer her, of course, but she continued softly begging for the baby to keep calm while fishing through the diaper bag with one hand, looking for a bottle. Yang always carried a few, just in case, and she made a little noise of triumph when she found it.
"Here, little one, some delicious milk. Come on." It took a few tries offering the bottle before her daughter latched on, sucking heartily and quieting down. "There you go. Perfect." She smiled softly, going back to sit down. "Momma mentioned you have quite the appetite."
Winter settled in, knowing full well it would take some time before the bottle emptied.
"You don't know this yet, Zephyr, but you have the best Momma in the world. I'm sure there are going to be times when you get frustrated with her, because you've got a lot of growing up to do, but when you're grown, you'll look back and see. She's doing everything she can to give you a good life. As soon as I'm able, I'm going to help." She shook her head slightly. "It… makes me a little sick, honestly, knowing I put myself in this position in the first place. I should be there for you and Momma. But I'm not. Because of my own poor decisions." Adjusting her hold slightly, she let out a sigh, noting the bottle to be about half full. "How am I going to make this up to you?"
Again, her daughter provided no answer, and it wasn't like she could talk through it with Yang. Her girlfriend had made it quite clear that she wanted Winter to move on and forgive herself for past transgressions but… it still seemed too big a thing to do. Almost as if she'd been handed the easy way out; it didn't feel right to simply let it all lie in the past.
What if she slipped or stumbled? Now that she knew very well how far she could fall, the idea scared her more than words could say.
Lost in her own mind for a time, she didn't notice Zephyr had finished her bottle until she started squirming, no longer wanting it anywhere near her. Winter chuckled, brows furrowing.
"Now, there's something I'm meant to do here, right?" She thought back to the books she'd studied, trying to prepare herself for what practical experience wouldn't be able to teach her as Zephyr continued to squirm, expression pinching slightly. Then it hit her. "Oh, right, burping." Shifting while trying to keep support for the little one's head, Winter eventually settled her against her shoulder, going off the diagrams she'd seen in books and hoping it would be enough. Something nagged at the back of her mind, though, as if she'd forgotten a rather crucial step- and it occurred to her a moment later, as she felt something wet begin to soak through her shirt. "Ah. Burp rag. That is what I forgot." She chuckled, resolving to clean it up later; it would probably come out in the wash. Even if it didn't, no matter; she'd just wear this particular shirt next time she fed Zephyr. "Well, feeling better now?"
Another smile to match her own before the baby's eyes began to close.
Now, she'd reached a crossroads. Sometimes, Yang would let Zephyr nap, but sometimes she wouldn't, and that schedule seemed more flexible than her feeding. The only way to know would be to wake her girlfriend, which she was loathe to do… but if she wanted her daughter to sleep through the night, a late afternoon nap seemed counter intuitive.
"Come on, Zephyr, you need to stay awake." She stood up, bouncing a little bit to try and wake the little one gently. That, however, just made Zephyr's little expression pinch, almost as if she might cry. "Okay, nevermind, go to sleep."
Winter could ensure Yang slept once they left the facility, but she could do that now, so it seemed like letting the baby sleep would be the best bet. Sitting back down, she sighed, glancing between two of the most important people in her life.
Her gaze snapped up as she heard a soft rapping against the door, having entirely lost track of time. Dr. Goodwitch stood just beyond the threshold, laptop tucked under her arm as emerald eyes raked over the interior, lingering on Yang for a moment. "Doctor?"
"I saw that Miss Xiao Long checked in but hadn't left yet." She spoke softly, mindful of the slumbering woman currently occupying Winter's bed. "You were planning to go to the park today, correct?"
She offered a shrug, noting the clock read almost four. "Yang was tired. This seemed like a better use of our time."
"I see." Her lips pressed into a thin line. "I'll have James bring you two hot plates. That should give you a bit more time."
"I appreciate that, Doctor." Winter waited, worry beginning to creep into her mind as Dr. Goodwitch made no motion to leave. "Is there… anything else?"
"Yes, in a sense." She tapped a finger against her laptop. "You have a session at six. However, understanding the arrangements Miss Xiao Long makes in regards to getting here, I feel it would be… unwise for you to spend your free time like this."
"They need the sleep-"
She held up a hand to stymie the objection. "I agree. I'm not saying wake them up. I'm merely suggesting that I have some time and, with both of them indisposed at the moment, we can have your session now. That way, when they do awaken, you have the rest of the night to spend with them." Dr. Goodwitch adjusted her glasses. "It would provide you the opportunity to, perhaps, go out to dinner, if the hot plates get cold in the meantime."
Winter blinked. "That's… if it's not an imposition, Doctor, I would greatly appreciate it."
"Not at all. One moment." She disappeared, likely to grab a chair from one of the open rooms, and returned a few moments later with exactly that. "I believe one of the key factors in an addict's recovery is their support network. Yours is already a little strained with a newborn but a little… flexibility can go a long way in ensuring that you stand a better chance at remaining sober." Settling down in the new chair with her laptop on her knees, Dr. Goodwitch typed rapidly, muttering a curse under her breath regarding the painfully slow connection before being able to access her notes. "Now, I know we typically review the topics I asked you to think about last session to start off, but in light of the circumstances, I'd like to take a different approach today."
"Meaning?"
"I want you to look around," the Doctor said, indicating the room. "And tell me about the first memory that comes to mind. Just start at the beginning when you're ready."
Winter did as told, looking down at Zephyr first, and then at the barren, white walls of the room, and finally landing on Yang… and a memory did, indeed, come to her.
"It had to be late," she said, morose as she went back to that night. "I'd gone to a… 'friend's' house- and I use the term lightly- for a fix. We'd drank a bit beforehand and… I used more than usual. My fingers were clumsy; I was already so drunk." She looked at the floor, ashamed at the words coming out of her mouth. "That's no excuse, I shouldn't- anyway… I asked Yang to come pick me up. It took her half an hour to find me and I- I didn't tell her I was wasted. Hid it, well enough that she rode her bike rather than find someone to help. But I was in no condition to ride."
Dr. Goodwitch gently prodded after a minute of silence. "What happened when she arrived?"
"I don't remember all of it. I was so far gone, it's just bits and pieces- but I remember the rain. It was pouring that night, the gutters were overrun. Yang put her coat on me, trying to keep me dry, and she carried me, because I couldn't be trusted on my own feet." There were snatches that came back to her. Brief periods of lucidity- the pelting rain hitting her face, the sloshing as her girlfriend trudged through ankle high water, a wave of water hitting them both as a car passed- but it was just the explanation. Just the introduction, in a sense… "She carried me for five miles back to our apartment. Changed me into warm, dry clothes, made me take some water and bread, and set me in the bathtub with a pillow and a blanket. I woke up hours later… and she was there. Still in her wet clothes, just sprawled on the bathroom tile- she had her scroll set to go off every thirty minutes; I could see the countdown. No doubt she'd wake up long enough to check on me and then go back to sleep."
"And what did you do?"
"I turned off the alarm. Put the blanket over her." Winter swallowed thickly, tears stinging at her eyes. "And then I went to the kitchen and poured myself another drink. When Yang woke up, she came out and found me laying on the couch in the living room, half the bottle gone. And I offered to pour her some." She quickly glanced up before her gaze fell again. "That was… three days before she left."
Dr. Goodwitch typed a few words before asking the obvious follow up question. "Why that memory in particular?"
"A lot of reasons." She shook her head, trying to hold back the tears; too many sessions ended with her fighting to keep herself under control and she didn't have the right at this point. Every decision, every action, she had made them, so the only person to be upset with was herself, and she didn't need to shed tears over her own foolishness. She didn't deserve them. "Mainly… I made the wrong decision then. I chose to indulge my addiction rather than get Yang into dry clothes, get her into bed… I failed her as a partner… and on top of that, I put our child at risk."
"Did you know?" She gestured towards the babe still slumbering in Winter's arms. "That she was pregnant?" A shake of her head. "Did she know?"
"I… haven't asked her when she found out. I assume she did."
"I find it strange that you'd hold that against yourself. If you didn't know, then you didn't consciously make the choice to put your unborn child at risk."
Winter shook her head, denying that logic in its entirety. "If I'd been sober, I would've seen the signs. I would've thought to ask- I would've known that she was late. In my right mind, I would've noticed. I chose to be drunk and high; I chose to ignore what she was going through. I did make that choice, even if I didn't realize it at the time."
"Do you feel like you made the correct decision this time?"
"At the very least, I think it's the better one," she replied, pausing as Yang rolled over, seemingly mumbling in her sleep before dropping off again. Thankfully, Zephyr didn't stir in the slightest. "Yang might be disappointed we didn't go to the park but I think she'll forgive me. She needs sleep and this provides me a chance to spend time with Zephyr." Emerald eyes fell on the baby. "It's still spending time with her. It's not like we can hold a proper conversation yet."
A chuckle. "Forgive me if I find the idea of you having a proper conversation with a child amusing. The mental image of you doing 'baby talk' is actually rather charming."
She narrowed her eyes. "You don't think I can do it." A sigh left her lips even as they curled into a gentle grin. "Yang said the same thing."
Dr. Goodwitch typed furiously for a moment before stopping, setting her laptop on top of the desk and folding her hands in her lap. "Winter. I'd like to ask you a hypothetical question. You don't have to answer if you'd rather not."
It wasn't very often when the doctor asked her these sort of off-the-record questions. Considering the nature of the program, most of their sessions went according to the prescribed schedule for the therapy, but every now and again, she would set aside her laptop and ask questions or direct Winter towards a path born of her years working with addicts. Honestly, sometimes, it felt more like plain curiosity rather than anything else.
And, as always, she indulged, because she could truly use all the help she could get. "Go ahead."
"Hypothetically speaking, if you could go back in time and stop yourself from taking that first sip, that first hit… would you do it?" She held up a hand to silence a premature response. "Knowing that it would mean, at this time in that alternate reality, you would not be holding Zephyr in your arms right now?"
She did not expect that.
"Are you- are you asking me to choose between erasing what I put Yang through or keeping our child?"
A single nod. "Yes. That is exactly what I'm asking."
"Fuck you." Both women turned their attention to the bed as Yang sat up, glaring at the doctor. "That's not a fair question and you should be ashamed for even daring to ask."
"Yang, it's only-"
"No." Tossing the blanket off herself, she got to her feet, easily towering over both of them, seated as they were. Her voice was quiet but still strong, mindful of Zephyr, and lilac eyes filled with fury landed on the doctor with the force of a sledgehammer. "It's an impossible choice and a pointless one besides."
"I understand your objections, Miss Xiao Long." Dr. Goodwitch, to her credit, didn't flinch. "Winter doesn't have to answer… but I think you want to hear what she has to say."
"Yang," she said, weighing her words carefully and watching her girlfriend's back as the tension slowly bled out. "I do have an answer." Slowly, she turned around and waited. Winter tried to summon the words that had so effortlessly left her lips before but it seemed so much more difficult now, with Yang's eyes on her. But honesty, she'd found, had to be her only recourse going forward, or she'd fall back into addiction, and she would lose her fledgling family completely. "I do regret everything I put you through. I know I was unfair to you in more ways than I can count; I do apologize for that. But I can't regret her." She looked down at Zephyr. "I'd rather not think of it as one or the other- good things can result from terrible decisions. That doesn't make those decisions any less terrible and it doesn't justify them." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "I love you, Yang. If there was a way to save you from that pain and keep our daughter, I would. But I can't regret her." A small, ineffectual shrug. "It's impossible, and we both know that, but that's my answer."
For a moment, her girlfriend's expression remained inscrutable. And then, something clicked, her expression changing to one of curious interest. "Would you do it again?"
Her brows furrowed. "Didn't I just-"
"No, I'm not asking if you'd go back and do it. I mean right now." She pointed towards the door. "If we walked out right now, did everything exactly like before- the long nights, the fights, the pulling you out of godawful places in the middle of the night- and at the end of it all, Zephyr had a little brother or sister, would you do it again?"
"Of course not!" She shuddered, unable to control her reaction, and immediately turned her attention to soothing the baby she'd disturbed. "Sorry, Zephyr, I didn't mean to startle you, hush now, I'm sorry." Then she redirected her gaze to her girlfriend. "We could have another child without all that pain and heartache; I couldn't put you through that again, Yang, and if I ever do, you need to leave. Protect them and yourself, even from me."
"I don't have to." Her expression softened as she crossed the room, kneeling down next to the chair and setting a hand on Winter's arm. "I believe in you, Snowdrift. I know you can beat this." She threw a frown over her shoulder. "I think there was a better way to address that."
"Probably but I didn't want to be so direct." Dr. Goodwitch adjusted her glasses again. "Simply asking Winter point blank if she associated her child with her addiction would be… rather uncouth. I'm quite certain she'd react the same way you did. But I've noticed a trend among addicts, to associate good things with their addiction as a means of justifying their substance abuse, while any negative aspect is more attributed to coincidence, when it rightfully should be the other way around. I'm very pleased to see Winter hasn't fallen into that trap." She grabbed her laptop, opening it again to make some final notes. "Generally speaking, our program is geared more towards helping the service member- past or present- begin the road to recovery, but we're examining new data that indicates involving the families of service members in the rehabilitation process is beneficial and reduces the chance of relapse."
"Well, count me in the 'yes' category," Yang replied, a little scowl coming to her face. "If it means I can make sure you never ask a question like that again, I'm all for it."
"I will annotate that." Dr. Goodwitch looked up at the clock. "I think that's enough for today. Should I have James bring the hot plates?"
At her girlfriend's befuddled expression, she smiled. "Would you like to eat here or go out for dinner?"
"No offense, but I've heard too many horror stories about military food." Yang smirked. "Mostly from you."
"Thank you, Doctor, but we'll be going out."
"I hope you both- excuse me, I hope all three of you enjoy your evening." She nodded, grabbing the chair on her way out to returning from whence it came.
After she'd left, Winter waited, searching for the words she wanted to say. Finally, she settled on the obvious. "When did you wake up?"
"I heard Zeph starting her 'I'm hungry' cry, so I think that woke me up, but I kinda dozed in and out of consciousness when I realized you were handling it." Yang shrugged, reaching over to lightly fiddle with the swaddling blanket. "I only really came to when the Doc started talking."
A few moments of silence passed and she debated whether or not to broach the topic before finally committing. "Then you heard me talk about that night…"
"I didn't know. That I was pregnant, I mean." She didn't look up though her voice remained steady. "I'd just had enough. I realized, when I came out and found you already halfway to being drunk again, that I wasn't doing either of us any good. I was just making it easier for you to fall further into your addiction. The best thing I could do for both of us was to just… walk away. So I did."
"Well, it certainly worked."
"Yeah…"
Her brows furrowed, noting the dark cloud that seemed to linger over the woman's shoulders. "Sundrop? Is something on your mind?"
Yang pressed her lips into a thin line. "There were a few times over the past year when I thought… I was doing the same thing Raven did."
"Sundrop-"
"Hold on. I just- I need to get this out." She sighed, passing a hand over her face. "I know there are differences and, in the back of my mind, the rational part of me can work that out, but still, it felt like- like I'd abandoned you when you needed me most. And I just- I'm s-"
Winter leaned forward, cutting off the apology with a kiss, seeing as her hands were occupied. When she pulled away, she started talking before her girlfriend had the chance to, not wanting to give her another moment of doubt.
"Don't ever apologize for that, Yang. I mean it. Losing you in that sense forced me to confront my actions and the consequences, but you never really left me." She looked over to her desk, where both picture frames sat- the cheap one she'd bought and the beautiful one Yang had sent her to commemorate her six month mark. "Even though I thought our relationship ended and I would never be able to see you again, I knew you only did it to save the both of us. I didn't hold out hope that I might be able to get you back, but I did believe I might one day be the woman you fell in love with again. That was enough." When she looked back, she found tear filled lilac staring back at her, and her expression soften. "Raven ran away from her responsibilities. You saved all three of us. There's simply no comparison."
For a long moment, silence settled over them, and she could see something working itself out as Yang scrubbed at her eyes and fussed with Zephyr's blanket. It worried her- she really hoped her girlfriend wouldn't end the day more stressed then when she entered the facility- but she waited, patiently, for the woman to string the words together.
"That's the first time you've kissed me while sober in almost two years, you know." She sniffled. "Not that anyone's counting…"
It broke her heart to hear that, realizing the truth of it- two years, before she'd gone to serve. After returning, she'd been tense and irritable, objecting to any invasion of her personal space as she readjusted to her civilian life. They'd slept on opposite sides of the bed, as far away as possible, because sharing a bed again felt so strange and kept her up at night. That was why she indulged in alcohol to begin with, to try and loosen up, but it quickly turned into a dependency, then an addiction, and it only got worse from there- and suddenly she understood what Dr. Goodwitch meant about confusing coincidence and causality.
Carefully freeing up one hand, she gently cupped her girlfriend's face and pulled her closer.
"I didn't want to assume, to push too far, but Sundrop…" She smiled, relieved to see the same expression looking back at her, using her thumb to brush away a tear as it rolled down her girlfriend's cheek. "I've been wanting to kiss you for a while now."
"Well, that makes two of us." Yang chuckled, slipping a hand around her neck and pulling her down so their lips met again, though they took their time this round, easing into old habits. Their eyes closed, allowing themselves to sink into the sensation, and though it worried her a bit at first, Winter gave in to the inclination to thread her fingers through golden strands- a right that had taken her three months of dating to earn the first time. She thought, maybe, that might bring a quick end to things, but instead Yang hummed and pushed a little closer, almost as if rewarding her.
It felt so good. Like finding a lost piece of herself that she'd been searching for without even knowing what to call it. Some little voice in the back of her mind helpfully supplied 'other half' and she couldn't discount it; while she'd been getting better, both physically and mentally throughout her recovery, only now did she truly feel like she could be whole again.
And the fear nipped at her heart as Yang lightly bit her lip, a prelude to slipping her tongue inside her mouth, because now the stakes raised even higher.
She could not lose this again. She wouldn't be able to bear it.
They jolted apart when Zephyr began to stir, not very keen on being squished between them. A blush bloomed across her girlfriend's expression as they both set about hushing their daughter, lulling her back to sleep.
"Guess we shouldn't get carried away." Yang murmured, though she had a dreamy little grin on her lips. "At least, not until we get home."
Winter decided to take a chance. "When do you think that might be?"
"Well, I've got a meeting with the label to talk about another album coming up, so I've gotta throw some demos together, so maybe…" A shrug. "Next Tuesday, you can block off a few hours? I'll even make dinner in a crock pot, so that should give us a little time to spend with Zephie before we put her down for a nap and just… have some one-on-one time?"
She swallowed, at once enamored with the promise of a home cooked meal, bonding time with her daughter, and some alone time with her girlfriend, but she tempered it with a thought that had hung in the back of her mind like a specter. "Sundrop… it's okay if you don't want me to come back right away. I've got less than three months left, but we can take more time. I'm sure Weiss has a couch I can use."
Lilac eyes snapped to meet hers right then, pinning her in place. "I've waited too long to get you back, Snowdrift. Forgive me being a little impatient." Then her expression softened. "But if you need more time-"
"I don't. Trust me. But… it's an idea to keep in mind, if it feels like we're rushing things. I'd rather take a step back then, well-"
"Run over a cliff?"
"That's one way of putting it." She laughed and glanced at the clock. "Did you want to go get dinner now? Or rest a bit more? I'm sure I can keep Zephyr entertained a while longer."
Yang smirked. "I got a better idea." Carefully, her girlfriend coaxed her out of the chair, leading her over to the bed. She got on first, scooting all the way back against the wall and laying on her side, then pat the spot next to her. "Set Zeph down."
Winter complied and guessed what her girlfriend might be angling for, laying down on her side and just barely managing to remain on the bed. "Tight fit."
"Are you going to fall off?"
"No."
"Good." Yawning, she settled down as best she could and reached out, looping an arm around Winter's waist. "Wake me in half an hour?"
"Of course," she replied, leaning over and mindful of the baby between them to kiss her girlfriend's forehead as she closed her eyes. She'd need to change her shirt before they left but that could wait.
For the moment, she only wanted to drink in the sight before her, commit it to memory, imprint it on her soul. What she stood to gain if she stayed true and what she'd lose forever if she faltered.
Because she would not put Yang or Zephyr through this again. If she relapsed, if she fell back into those old habits, she would be the one to walk away. It would be abandoning her responsibilities, yes, but it would also be protecting her family. She wouldn't give her daughter a childhood like hers.
"I love you both so much." She brushed the backs of her knuckles against Zephyr's chubby cheeks and then laid her arm atop Yang's, both of them fast asleep.
She would not squander this second chance.
Author's Note: … yeah, there's probably gonna be a part 3 at some point…