Disclaimer: A variation of the 'wrong number' AU.

-Today, 0317-
(214) 13-170-9: Did you know that "hamburger" is two words combined, but it's not "ham" and "burger", but "hamburg" and "er"? No idea what "er" means, though. Or "Hamburg" really. English is weird.
You: Who are you and how did you get this number?
(214) 13-170-9: Shit, is this not Blake?
You: No. I am not Blake.
(214) 13-170-9: Ah fuck, sorry, must've fat fingered the number!
You: It's four in the morning here.
(214) 13-170-9: Oh, cool, same timezone. Still, sorry about that.
You: It's fine.
You: And, for the record, -er is an Atlesian suffix that roughly means "from" and Hamburg is a city in Atlas. "Hamburger" means, quite literally, "from Hamburg".
You: I grew up not too far from there.
(214) 13-170-9: Oh, that's so cool! My name's Yang!
You: Noted. Now, may I return to slumber or do you have any other useless trivia to impart upon me?
(214) 13-170-9: Right, sorry! Again!
(214) 13-170-9: Night! Sweet dreams!

-Today, 1034-
You: Now that it's a somewhat respectable hour, I'd like to apologize for being curt last night.
(214) 13-170-9: Hey, I get it! I'd be a little cranky if someone woke me up, too.
(214) 13-170-9: Really, no harm, no foul.
(214) 13-170-9: But if you're ever in need of useless trivia, I'm here!
You: That was… harsh of me.
(214) 13-170-9: I mean, you're not exactly wrong. Most of this stuff isn't really that useful. But it can be food for thought or even a little funny! Like, did you know the electric chair was invented by a dentist? Sounds weirdly appropriate, doesn't it?
(214) 13-170-9: Guess he got his patients confused with chickens; THOSE are the ones where you pull out all the white things and THEN fry 'em.
You: That was dark.
You: I'll admit it made me laugh out loud, but still dark.
(214) 13-170-9: Okay, look, I work with what material's available to me, and that was the first one that popped into my head.
(214) 13-170-9: Also, did you really type out 'laugh out loud'? lol, really?
You: What do you have against properly spelling out words?
(214) 13-170-9: Okay, you know what, in hindsight, you're right. It just caught me off guard. Most people use abbreviations.
(214) 13-170-9: Or emojis.
You: I honestly hate the sight of that stupid word.
You: Also, I spend all day trapped in an alphabet soup hell. I don't need more abbreviations, thank you.
(214) 13-170-9: But they make things so much quicker! btw, ofc I could spell it all out, but rn I'm using one hand, other's occupied.
(214) 13-170-9: I swear that's not as dirty as it sounds.
You: At EOD, I meet with my POC for a SITREP, then CM to the DFAC.
(214) 13-170-9: I respectfully withdraw my argument, have a good day.

-Today, 1425-
(214) 13-170-9: Um. I might be overstepping here and maybe you're busy but either way I hope I didn't upset you or insult you earlier.
You: You said "have a good day"; I assumed that was the end of the conversation.
(214) 13-170-9: Do you even meme?!
You: I realize I implied and now am outright stating that English isn't my primary language but you don't have to make up words.
(214) 13-170-9: Oml have you never seen a meme before? Hold on.
(214) 13-170-9: [MyHairIsABird][open][save]
You: What. The. Fuck.
(214) 13-170-9: You've never seen that before?
You: I have and am now wondering why I allowed myself to be teleported back a decade.
You: At least. It's probably closer to two at this point.
(214) 13-170-9: That's a meme. It's short for mimetic mutation I think? Where a joke gets so far removed from the source that it loses all connection but it's still somehow funny?
You: No.
(214) 13-170-9: Look, I've never had to explain a meme before!
You: I'm not saying "no" to your explanation; I'm saying "no" to that meme, as you call it.
(214) 13-170-9: That's what it's called!
You: Of course it is.
(214) 13-170-9: Okay, fine, how about this one?
(214) 13-170-9: [loss][open][save]
You: Now you're tormenting me.
You: Wait. I recognize this format.
You: This is the stupid joke the idiots I call my subordinates are giggling about like school children?
You: It's not even a joke. This is a serious matter.
(214) 13-170-9: I mean, I agree, I'm not sure how it became a joke but it did?
(214) 13-170-9: I swear I'm not as dark as I've been sounding.
(214) 13-170-9: Like, this whole conversation is kinda atypical for me, I swear.
You: You're putting in a lot of effort to convince a stranger that you're not exactly as you've been acting.
(214) 13-170-9: Well, you got me there. Sorry.

-Today, 1832-
You: You've gone quiet. I suppose both of your hands were required?
(214) 13-170-9: I just figured you probably had a point and I should just stop digging a bigger hole for myself.
You: You don't have any more trivia?
(214) 13-170-9: Did you know a shark's top speed is 96 km/h?
You: Which species?
(214) 13-170-9: Uh, Mako shark, I think.
You: You are correct. I have a certain affinity for sharks.
You: They aren't as terrible as people make them out to be, you know.
Yang: Actually, more people die from being struck on the head with a coconut than from shark attacks every year. They're mostly fine if you leave them alone. Unprovoked attacks aren't as common as people think, I mean. It's mostly just one species responsible for them, too, but people lump all sharks together.
You: They do. Sharks are dangerous, yes, but most creatures are. Sharks just get a bad reputation for essentially no reason.
Yang: Actually, the movie Jaws spawned a lot of the social stigma around sharks.
Yang: Do you have a favorite shark?
You: The catshark. There's several species all over Remnant; they're deep sea creatures, living below what most people fish at, but they're occasionally spotted by research vessels. They have beautiful skins with wonderful patterns but very little is known about them, and each subspecies is unique in its own way.
You: They're truly fascinating creatures.
Yang: They sound really cool!
You: I have a question for you.
Yang: Shoot.
You: You've given me your name yet you haven't ask me mine. Why?
Yang: Well, let's start from the top.
Yang: I messaged you in the middle of the night on accident, which you weren't very happy about. Then when you apologized, I made a bad joke and you took it literally. THEN, I apologized again, and we talked about memes, and that entire discussion didn't go anywhere good, I think we're on the same page on that one.
Yang: So, from my perspective, I really don't have any right to ask your name. I gave you mine so you'd know who to specifically curse if you're religiously inclined.
Yang: Or, like, you just want the satisfaction of specifically cursing me, because like, mood.
You: How thoughtful.
You: It's Winter.
Yang: I'm pretty sure it's spring?
You: You boob. My name is Winter.
Yang: OH
Yang: IT'S A GOOD NAME
You: … really?
Yang: Absolutely! It's a beautiful name!
You: That wasn't me looking for reassurance; that was me being… surprised by your response.
Yang: It makes me think of Atlas, kinda, cause it's so cold up there.
Yang: Oh.
Yang: I am just a series of "open mouth, insert foot" examples today.
You: Are you on something? Alcohol? Weed? Nicotine?
Yang: NO!
You: Admittedly, that last one wouldn't lead to such a lapse in judgement as you've currently displayed.
You: Are you lying to me?
Yang: FUCKING NO, I'M NOT ON ANYTHING!
Yang: I just haven't been sleeping well recently and my head's a little fuzzy. That's all.
You: That would explain the middle-of-the-night trivia session.
Yang: I said I was sorry about that.
You: I believe you but I also believe that a good night's rest in fundamentally important.
You: Tonight, you're going to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Yang: You can't just command me to go to sleep!
You: I just did.
Yang: Wait a minute, the acronyms, the orders, "subordinates"- you're military, aren't you?
You: Yes.
Yang: That's awesome! I'm just a mechanic. I like working on engines.
You: Riveting, truly, but those are topics for tomorrow. Tonight, you sleep.
Yang: lmao, nice pun!
You: I didn't make a pun.
Yang: I said I'm a mechanic, you said "riveting", how was that not a pun?
You: You're deflecting.
Yang: My shields are up.
You: I'm not engaging in a pun war when you should be going to bed.
Yang: I'm not going to bed, so I guess we're at a stalemate.
You: Fine. Here's the deal. Make me a promise.
Yang: Wow, we're hardly on first name basis and now we're making promises? You move fast.
You: Promise me you'll text me whatever piece of trivia comes to mind whenever you're having trouble sleeping.
Yang: I don't get it. I'd be waking you up at all hours.
You: Exactly. You seem like the sort of person to care very much about others so I doubt you'd compromise my sleep intentionally. Now that you have a clear purpose of going to sleep to help someone else sleep, you'll have an easier time accomplishing the task.
Yang: What are you, some kinda quack psychologist?
Yang: You're playing dirty.
You: I'm military. What did you honestly expect?
Yang: Touche.
Yang: Fine. I'll try to sleep tonight. But just know! I have a whole bunch of factoids for ya! Get ready cause neither of us is sleeping tonight!
You: Usually, I'd insist someone buy me dinner first.
Yang: Now you're flirting.
You: I'm merely stating fact.
You: How about one more "factoid" before bed?
Yang: Did you know a shark's teeth are literally hard as steel?
You: Playing to my interests, I see.
Yang: I have my moments of brilliance.
You: Indeed you do. Now, good night, Yang. Get some sleep.
Yang: Good night Winter. Sweet dreams.
You: And to you the same.

-Today, 0947-
Yang: I hate you.
You: Care to elaborate?
Yang: Somehow, it worked, and I just woke up from the sleep of the dead. My body feels like mush sloshing around a hollow lead cylinder.
You: What you're feeling is the side effects of your body getting both too little and too much rest at the same time. If you establish a better sleep schedule, you'll avoid this feeling in the future.
Yang: Thank you, Doctor Winter. Do I get a lollipop?
You: Continue being this cheeky; I assure you it's doing nothing but improving my perception of you.
Yang: Harsh.
You: That was teasing.
Yang: Oh. You really should add, like, an lol or something when you're joking. I'm not awake enough to find context clues.
You: Aside from the lethargy, how are you feeling?
Yang: Hungry. I finally dragged myself out of bed to cook breakfast and it turns out my sister already made me some. I've taught her well.
You: Older or younger?
Yang: I'm older by two years. Sometimes, it feels longer than that, though; I practically raised her.
You: Interesting. I'm glad she made some food for you.
Yang: Yeah. Now that I think about it, probably worried her pretty bad the last few weeks.
You: Is that how long you've been having trouble sleeping?"
Yang: About that.
Yang: These pancakes taste fucking delicious btw.
Yang: Did you know that, for most people, their right lung takes in more air than their left?
You: We need to have a talk about priorities because I highly doubt you've inhaled your food that quickly.
Yang: Sorry, my sis had to leave, so it's a quiet breakfast over here.
You: I don't see that as something that needs to be corrected.
You: However, I find myself wondering if you know the reason behind the lung trivia.
Yang: I do! It's because, for most people, your heart is just to the left of the center of your chest. So, since the heart takes up space, there's only two sacs in your left lung, as opposed to three in your right.
Yang: *sacks? Idek
You: Idek?
Yang: I Don't Even Know- not sure what the difference between "sacs" and "sacks" is.
You: This is why acronyms and abbreviations are more trouble than they're worth.
Yang: Okay, so basically, a sac is biological and a sack is manufactured. Like, sacs are things naturally occurring that fill with air or liquid, either in the body or outside it. Sacks are made for carrying things like groceries.
Yang: Meanwhile, "sack" as a verb means either getting hit or getting laid off. Or maybe both, I guess, depending on your job.
You: You went and looked it up?
Yang: What, you think I was born with all these random things preprogrammed?
Yang: I have a really good retention rate and I'm curious a lot.
Yang: Google is my friend.
You: Obviously. I suppose the appropriate follow-up question would be: you kept highlighting "most people". Why?
Yang: Well, there are a lot of medical reasons that makes it not applicable to everyone. Dextrocardia, for instance, in its mildest form causes the heart to face the opposite way, so the lungs usually fill differently because of that. More severe cases mean that more visceral organs are mirrored, too.
You: Okay, so, language, sharks, the electric chair, and now medical trivia. The breadth of your subjects of interest is impressive.
Yang: Thanks!
Yang: Did you know that the cracking sound made by a whip is caused by the tip breaking the sound barrier?
Yang: I'm pretty sure this counts as physics.
You: I'll add physics to the list.
You: Now finish your breakfast and do something small. Take a nap in a few hours or whenever you feel tired.
Yang: Do you have any siblings?
Yang: You don't have to answer right away!
Yang: Or at all.
Yang: Guess you're busy? Eating breakfast maybe?

-Today, 1036-
You: Actually, I was in formation. It's usually at 0930 but there were… complications this morning, so they pushed it back half an hour.
Yang: Huh. For some reason, I always thought the military would be, like, SUPER punctual.
You: And I have a younger sister and a younger brother, in that order.
You: I'm going to tell you a secret: the military is always late. We just never admit it.
Yang: So, you're like a bunch of cats?
You: Given what constitutes my workday, yes, I would say that's accurate. "Herding cats" is the most accurate description of my job title.
Yang: lmao, that's wild. Your siblings here in Vale too? Or back home in Atlas?
You: My sister is here; she moved here to study at Beacon and then decided to stay. I suspect her girlfriend might factor into that decision but she's remaining tight lipped about it. My brother is at home, in Atlas.
You: Now explain "lmao".
Yang: Laughing My As Off
Yang: You really don't know any chat abbreviations?
You: Has it occurred to you that abbreviations is a very long word to describe the shortening of words and is, in itself, evidence that it's all very silly?
Yang: I know this is going to sound very grade school but you're kinda cute when you're annoyed.
You: You're right; that does sound very grade school.
You: And you only say that because you can't see me.
Yang: Oh, so you don't go all broody, kinda constipated, pursed lips when you're annoyed by something?
You: I understand those words individually but, combined, I'm lost. What would that even look like?
Yang: Here.
Yang: [photo][open][save]
You: First, I want to assure you that you're a very beautiful individual.
You: Next, you look absolutely ridiculous.
Yang: Hey, that's how I think you look when you're annoyed!
You: I do not.
Yang: Okay, I'll take your word for it!
You: [photo][open][save]
Yang: Oh
Yang: Wow
You: That is what I look like when annoyed.
You: And, not to wound your ego, but that annoyance isn't inspired by you. A subordinate just asked me for fucking grid squares.
You: At this point, one would think that joke's too tired to work, but one would be wrong.
Yang: Did you know that the winter of 392 was so cold, all of Beacon Falls froze over?
You: Back to trivia?
Yang: It's my default response when higher brain function shuts down.
You: I'll admit, this is the first time in a long while I've felt flattery to be entirely sincere.
Yang: This isn't flattery; this is cold, hard facts.
You: I see.
Yang: Hey, I, uh, just realized the time, I gotta get to work.
Yang: See if I still have a job, at any rate.
You: I understand. Good luck.
Yang: Thanks! Hope your work day gets better!

-Today, 1236-
You: I assume the radio silence to be a good sign.

-Today, 1428-
Yang: Yeah! Turns out, the shop kept a spot for me. My boss is being really understanding.
Yang: Kinda… babying me, too, but… I'm getting used to it.
Yang: At least he fired the idiot that started this whole mess.
You: Am I permitted to inquire as to what happened?
Yang: I don't wanna go into details.
You: That's understandable.
You: I'm glad they kept a spot for you. Are you going to return to work full time or ease into it?
Yang: Give me a minute.
You: Very well.

-Today, 1513-
Yang: A few months ago, there was an accident at the shop. We do body work too and this guy tried using a machine he had no business using. Freaked out, caused a scene, I tried going over to help, ended up with my right arm caught in the damn thing. Mangled it pretty bad. So bad the docs had to take it. I got fitted for a prosthetic and I'm just trying to find normal again.
Yang: I know I said I didn't wanna go into the details but I'm actually shit at lying.
Yang: Except in, like, weirdly specific circumstances.
You: Thank you.
Yang: Ok. Gotta admit. Not the response I expected.
You: It must be very difficult to discuss and think about the accident. You didn't have to go into it, yet you did, and I thank you for trusting me with that.
You: That being said, is this a contributing factor to your insomnia?
Yang: It's not insomnia. I'm just not sleeping well.
Yang: But yeah, idk, maybe it's related. I liked sleeping on my right side and I can't anymore. Anchor digs into my ribs.
You: Establishing a new routine can be tricky at first. Everything is just a painful reminder of the incident.
Yang: Sounds like you have experience with this.
You: A bit. A superior of mine whom I respect greatly lost most of his body a few years back. He speaks very frankly about the challenges he faced when returning to the line.
Yang: Wait, you mean General Ironwood?
You: You know him?
Yang: Who in Remnant doesn't? He's basically a celebrity. I mean, not just for the prosthetic body thing; he's also the youngest commanding General of the Atlesian military.
Yang: Which… tbh, is kinda weird. Isn't he pushing fifty?
You: Age takes on a whole new concept in the military.
Yang: I'd say.
Yang: They talked about him when I started my physical therapy. Supposed to inspire me, I guess.
You: For what it's worth, he actually dislikes when people do that. He says that each individual case is a war all unto itself. Comparisons are detrimental to the individual's recovery.
Yang: I like him better already. I've been over here trying to just "suck it up" I mean, not like I lost anything more than an arm, what do I have to complain about?
You: Hold that thought.
Yang: Okay?

-Today, 1558-
You: Miss Yang? This is General Ironwood.
Yang: Look, I'm all for practical jokes, but this isn't a good one.
You: [photo][open][save]
Yang: This is not a joke.
You: No, it is not.
You: Miss Yang, I'd like to extend my deepest, sincerest sympathies to you for your loss. Having your life upended in such a way can be extremely disorienting. However, the measure of your strength does not come from what you can or can't do in comparison to before. It comes from your desire to continue fighting, to find a new balance to your life. Asymmetry is a measure of beauty, strength, and courage in its own right.
Yang: Thank you, sir.
Yang: *Sir.
You: I'd like to extend an invitation to a support group I host. It's mostly military members from all over Remnant but, if you don't mind a bit of morbidly crass humor- a habit I'm attempting to break the lot of them from, with limited results- we'd be honored with your presence.
Yang: No offense, but I doubt a bunch of soldiers would be "honored" by a mechanic.
You: The first thing I teach is to see similarities instead of differences. You saw something dangerous and, rather than run away, you ran towards it. All of us share that experience.
You: Except Carl.
Yang: What happened to him?
You: I apologize; it's a military specific meme. Winter mentioned you're rather fond of memes.
Yang: Oh, so you know what a meme is, but she doesn't?
You: Don't tell her I said so- she's a very good soldier- but she's always had a stick up her ass. She could use more memes in her life.
Yang: Should I take that as an order?
You: Absolutely.
Yang: Can do. And, uh, sure. About the support group.
You: Excellent! I'll give Winter the details so she can pass them onto you. It was wonderful taking to you, Miss Yang.
Yang: Yeah, you too, Sir.
You: It's Winter again. I hope that helped.
Yang: Did you literally walk into the office of the commanding General of Atlas' military, just to hand him your scroll and say 'talk to this bitch'?
You: I didn't use those words; I told him I had a friend who recently attended physical therapy post amputation and I thought some words of encouragement from him would be a good idea.
You: Wait, did he literally say I have a stick up my ass?
Yang: WOOOW, meme savvy he might be, but apparently he doesn't know how to delete a text message.
You: I can't believe he'd say that.
You: I most certainly do not have a stick lodged in my posterior, figurative or otherwise.
Yang: I'd offer to check but that's a bit too fast too soon, so I'll just say you seem alright to me.
You: Thank you, Yang.
Yang: Cranky when I wake you up at the asscrack of dawn, though. That might be when ass and stick are firm friends.
You: Do not make me take it back.
Yang: I'm just kidding!
Yang: Seriously, though, thanks. You didn't have to do that.
You: You're welcome.

-Today, 0233-
Yang: Did you know it takes the average person seven minutes to fall asleep?
You: I sincerely thought you'd be asleep by now.
Yang: I did. Woke up.
Yang: Sorry.
You: Do you know what a contact truck is?
Yang: Uh, no, no idea.
You: It's the military vehicle utilized by mechanics, outfitted with tools, so they can drive out and repair other vehicles. Do you know why it's called that?
Yang: Hit me with it.
You: That was an actual question.
Yang: Huh?
You: I've been asking for as long as I've been in. Not even General Ironwood knows why it's called that. It just is.
Yang: omg that's hilarious
You: It's that, too. Also incredibly vexing.
You: I just want to know why it's called that.
Yang: Heh. If I find out, I'll let you know.
You: Go back to sleep, Yang.
Yang: I'll try. Night.
You: And sweet dream.
Yang: lol, same to you.