Three Winchesters, a pissed off and annoying fallen archangel, and God all sat around a table in the library in silence. No one is making eye contact, and any attempt at conversation fizzles and dies within seconds. Guilt and regret hang heavily in the air, probably the culprit behind the conversation disasters, and the anger radiating off of Lucifer is not helping matters.
Sam and Dean just managed to get the fallen angel out of Sam's room and to find Ben standing awkwardly in the hallway watching them usher the angel to the library where Chuck is currently hiding out. That family talk between the two needs to happen now or any plan they come up with is doomed to fail. Not to mention Dean having an almost similar talk with his own son while Sam would most likely be hovering between the two pairs of fathers and sons, unsure if he even should be in the room with them.
Chuck is full on staring at the table, idly materializing various foods and drinks, stopping only when one of them expressed interest in something and sending the food to settle in front of them. Lucifer is staring daggers into the side of his father's head, and Dean is sneaking glances at Ben when he thinks his son isn't looking. And Ben - Ben is hunched in and hugging himself.
It's tugging at a paternal part of Sam he didn't even know he had to soothe away Ben's worries and fears, but it's not his place or role to do so. That's Dean's.
The aroma of barbecue pulled pork coming from Ben's sandwich is delicious and Sam is seriously thinking about reaching over and inching the plate away from his nephew's uninterested stare. He'd do it too, if he didn't think Dean wouldn't reach over and smack him for stealing from his son. It's not like Ben is going to eat it.
Placing his hand nonchalantly on the table, Sam slowly inches his hand towards Ben's plate. He didn't even get a quarter of the way there before Dean slammed his hand down on top of his. Yelping, Sam pulled his injured hand back and pouted at his brother.
Dean smirked at him then switched his attention back to his quiet son, only to find Ben hiding a small smile.
"You know," Lucifer said, breaking the tableau before them, "Junior here wouldn't shut up about you coming to save us and now that you're here, he's suddenly mute. I'm not sure I like it. At least with Amara, the boy had a voice, a little whiny, if you ask me, but he was entertaining. Come on, Dean, speak to him. I personally wanna hear your excuses for abandoning him for years after you promised to go back for him."
Kicking back, Lucifer had a smug expression and a goading smile.
"Explain to your son why you chose Sam over him. Why you didn't come get him when his mom died or why he didn't end the memory spell after her death. The boy needs to understand why he wasn't more important than his uncle." Lucifer's smile turned into a cruel smirk. "He wants to know why you never came back for him. I mean, he is your only living child."
"Lucifer," Chuck warned, his eyes tight. "Knock it off."
Sneering at his dad, the archangel ignored him, and proceeded to voice every question, thought and insecurity Ben ever had about his dad. It was easier to focus on Ben and Dean than his own problems with Father Almighty.
"That boy never gave up hope that someday you would come home. Not even when he couldn't even remember your name or what you looked like." Lucifer let out an impressed noise. "Man, little Cassie sure knew how to weave a spell. Whenever Junior tried to remember you, Dean-o, Castiel's spell would kick into overdrive and take away your image from Junior's mind.
"Even after his mom died and he learned that you're out there somewhere, hunting monsters and demons and what-the-hell-ever, he never stopped looking for you. Which is more than you've done." Lucifer waited until Dean made eye contact then said in a soft voice, "Even after you knew Amara would do anything to get you on her side, Junior never even entered your mind. Only Sam. SamSamSamSam."
"Lucifer!" Chuck barked. "I said knock it off."
"Bite me," Lucifer shot back, his voice rising in anger. "You're just as bad as Dean. Your sister is out in the world and you stay hidden, like a coward. I needed you! My brothers and sisters needed you but you only cared about Castiel. He was your favorite. You saved him time and time again. Even when he lost faith in you, you saved him. Why is he so special?!" He yelled the last part, forgetting that it's supposed to be about Dean and Junior, and not him and Daddy Dearest.
"Castiel," Chuck started but stopped. He shook his head and focused back on the table top. Tracing the grain of the wood with a finger, Chuck almost wished he was back to being known as Chuck the Prophet instead of God. It was so much easier.
Dean leaned forward, taking up the fight, and jabbed a finger at Lucifer. "Shut up! The only reason your ass is not back in the cage is because we need you to kill Amara, and you said you wouldn't bring up all your family shit. As soon as you do your job, you're getting out of Cas."
"Why is everything about Castiel?" Lucifer exploded. "You and Dad, that's all you care about. And Sam. Me and Junior here, we're nothing but an after thought. Did you even think about what you're going to do once Amara's taken care of? Are you going to claim Ben and bring him here to live the rest of his days as a hunter and Legacy? Or are you sending him back to his foster parents with the knowledge that his dad doesn't want him? Or are you just going to kick his ass to curb? What are you going to do, Dean? And what about Castiel? Dear little brother might take umbrage with you neglecting your son with Amara out there searching for any weakness you have. Do you even care that Junior could die? Is Sam the only one that warrants the worry of Dean Winchester?"
Shooting up out of his seat, Lucifer stomped off back to Sam's room in anger. He said too much. Revealed more than he was willing to. And why the hell does he care about the boy? He's nothing.
No one looked up from the table after Lucifer's tantrum.
Sam wanted a sinkhole to appear around him. Damn archangel and his words. Sam's not sure if the Lightbringer twisted his words even just a little for them to strike deep into Dean's heart. Was he the reason Dean never went back for Ben? Is he the reason Ben's been alone for all these years?
Sickness and guilt churned his stomach and Sam walked out of the room. Again. No one looked up.
Ben blinked back tears. His dad not once rebutted or answered any of Lucifer's queries. What if the archangel is right? Is he only staying here long enough for the threat to be dealt with before his dad sends him on his way?
Ice prickled his skin and around his heart.
Were those words last night just soothing nonsense, something said to provide comfort? Is that all they were?
"Do you even want me around?"
The question blurted out without consent or conscious thought, but there's no taking them back. He needs to know. Does his dad even want him? Did he ever?
"Of course I do," Dean replied angrily, still riled up from Lucifer's words. He didn't realize just how damaging his tone was to his son.
Ben shrunk further down in his seat. It didn't sound like his dad is happy about that.
"What if I don't want to stay here with you and Unc - with Sam? What if I wanna go back home with the Marks?" asked Ben. He looked up to see his dad staring at him with an unreadable expression. A quick glance to God showed that his face is equally enigmatic. "Would you even care?"
Dean got up and left the room as well.
Tears fell freely. A sob escaped, then another and another and another. Soon, Ben is crying just loud enough to fill the room with his heartbreak.
Chuck sighed. Family is messy.
"He loves you, you know that, right?" Chuck asked. "There is nothing in this world that could keep him away from you."
"Except for Sam," came the watery reply. "Sam is all dad cares about. Lucifer was right to question him. What's going to happen to me after Amara's dealt with? Dad says he wants me but his tone says otherwise. I'm just an obligation to him. Maybe not even that. I'm just an experiment. Something for him to test to see if he can handle civilian life." Ben's words are bitter and hurt but Chuck can hear an undercurrent of doubt, like he can't seem to believe what he's saying.
"I've only ever had one Christmas, Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving and Father's Day with him, and two birthdays. That's it. He doesn't want to be a dad. Being a big brother is all he wants. I was just a mistake, a product of a long weekend. He never loved my mom and he never wanted me!"
Ben fled from the library. Chuck remained seated. Exhaustion slamming into him. This needs to end. All of it. One way or another, things need to end. Preferably without anyone dying.
Chuck snapped his fingers and Dean appeared looking red-eyed and world weary. He can relate.
"Go find your son and you tell him just how much you love him. Tell him how you never, not once, stopped thinking of him. I don't care if you have to lie through your teeth, Dean Winchester, but you will convince that boy he is not a mistake and that he is not second to Sam. Fix this. You will lose him, Dean," Chuck told the hunter solemnly.
Dean closed his eyes in shame. Is that what is son thinks? That he's a mistake? God, no. Ben is the best thing to ever happen to him.
Determination filled him. Giving Chuck a curt nod, Dean set off to find his son and tell him just that. He wouldn't give Ben up, not again. He learned his lesson last time. Dean had always intended to go back for Lisa and Ben but then everything went to shit and Dean just forgot. He deluded himself into believing that they're better off without him in their lives. If he had been with them, maybe Lisa would still be alive today, and Ben wouldn't be so lost.
"I'm a failure as a father," Dean admitted aloud.
"Would you have gone back to them if I hadn't've asked you to stay?" questioned Sam from the kitchen doorway. Dean jumped, not expecting Sam to be there or to say anything. "I mean it, Dean. If I kept my mouth shut, would you have gone back to them?"
Sighing, Dean shook his head. "No. Even if you had begged me to go back, I wouldn't've. Cas was acting shifty and there was that whole mind-wall thing you had going on. I couldn't leave."
Apparently this was family therapy night because Sam asked another question that had Dean's hackles - and guilt - rising.
"Back when we were battling Lucifer the first time, would you have gone back to Lisa and Ben if I didn't ask you to do so?" Without waiting for Dean to respond, he continued with, "Did you even want to be a dad?"
Ben peered around the corner hallway, currently hidden from sight but well within hearing distance.
"Not at first," Dean admitted, piercing Ben's heart, "but when I got to know Ben, yeah. I wanted it. I wanted to be his dad. I wanted to watch him grow up and become something great, Sammy." Dean scrubbed his face, and if he was also wiping away tears, no one had to know. "But it had been just me and you for years, I didn't know how to change. When you and the Campbells showed up, I jumped at the chance. It wasn't until Ben's reaction at me leaving did I realize going with you meant leaving him.
"I couldn't let you go on hunting on your own, especially with you being off, but all of a sudden, Sam, I didn't want to go. Just seconds before Ben's reaction, I had been secretly happy to leave and go hunting, to go back to being...normal. For us. Normal for us. It hadn't occurred to me that it meant Lisa and Ben staying behind in their definition of normal."
Dean let his head thump back against the far wall, and he slid down to the ground. Sam walked over and sat down next to him, his shoulder brushing Dean's in support. Ben copied them and kept hidden.
"Until that moment, I never understood what it meant for Dad going on a hunt and leaving us behind in the motel by ourselves. Of just how hard and terrifying the feeling that while he was gone, something could have happened to us. No wonder he oscillated between calling every day and then going days without contact. Sometimes it must have been easier to pretend we were fine instead of knowing for sure."
Sam made a noise at the back of this throat like he disagreed with that statement. "Why would that be easier?" he asked, ignoring Dean's glare.
"Because those few times Ben called, the sound of his voice had my heart tearing in two. I wanted to keep hunting, I did, but I also wanted to go back to them. I wanted to go back home, Sam. Those nights after his calls, I couldn't sleep a wink. I was so worried about him, and the guilt. God, Sam, the guilt of leaving him and his mother alone, it ate at me. It festered inside, and I couldn't concentrate on the hunts. So, I started ignoring his calls, letting them going to voicemail, and returning a call when I knew he was either in school or at practice. That's how it's easier," Dean answered stiffly.
Ben shuffled closer, almost all the way around the corner but neither Sam nor Dean noticed. A puff of laughter from his dad had Ben scooting even closer to hear what's so funny.
"Maybe I really do have a lot in common with Dad and God. We are shit fathers that abandon their kids at the earliest whim. And we don't look back. We just keep going on with our lives," Dean said bitterly.
"Dean," Sam started but Dean jerked his head at him to shut up.
Silence descended upon them. Ben fidgeted where he sat but he didn't make to move away. He knew his dad wasn't done speaking, at least he hoped.
"We're going to stop Amara. We're going to get Cas back, and then the three of us are going to take Ben on a family vacation where the only thing we to worry about is gas, food, hotel, and sunburns. We'll meet up with Jody and the girls, we'll take them along as well, but after I've had a long ass talk with them." Dean had an edge to his voice and Sam winced in sympathy for Jody and the girls. Even Ben let out a sympathetic grimace.
"That's what we're going to do once everything is handled," Dean said authoritatively. He slapped his hand on the floor to compound his words. "Now, I just got to track down my son and have a somewhat similar conversation with him. I think I'll leave out the whole 'leaving-and-ignoring-him' part."
Sam grunted at him, clearly unconvinced at Dean not telling Ben the whole truth is the best choice.
Ben got up and quietly snuck away. He needs to think, and playing Hide-and-Seek with his dad for a while will provide the time to ruminate over his dad's words.
He had no idea what to do next. He needs Krissy and Claire. They'd know how to untangle his thoughts and give him a swift kick in the ass for being a baby about this. He'd been - whether he knew it or not - looking for his dad and now that he's finally reunited, he's hiding like a punk. Too cowardly to talk to his dad. He - they - let Lucifer get into their heads, especially his, and that jerk voiced every insecurity and doubt he ever had of his dad without his consent. He is so learning how to punish the archangel.
Without further ado, Ben found a hiding spot in the garage behind the rattletraps. Sometime later, he heard his dad come into the room looking for him. He softly called his name, "Ben?"
"I'm here," answered Ben in an equally soft voice.
Dad walked over to his hiding spot and sat down next to him not saying anything. He let the silence remain until Ben felt ready to break it.
"Was I mistake? Is that why you never came back? You didn't lov-want me?" asked Ben in a small, child-like voice. It broke Dean's heart to hear it in this context. God, he really fucked up, and don't think he didn't hear Ben's slip up.
"Of course I wanted you. I did, Ben," he added when he saw the skepticism Ben tried to hide. He didn't blame the kid. "I did. I swear. But to be honest, Ben, I never really thought I could ever have a child with the life I lead. Finding you, on your birthday no less, I admit I freaked out for, like, a minute but then I liked the idea of being a dad. One look at you, Ben, I knew you were mine. I think your mom knew I knew." Dean had a melancholic and nostalgic grin on his face.
Ben interrupted his dad's monologue. "I heard you talking to Uncle Sam."
His dad deflated, and muttered, "Oh."
"Yeah."
Dad fell silent and he fidgeted with his bracelet on his left wrist, drawing Ben's eyes. His hand reflexively going to an identical bracelet on his wrist. Even when he had little to no memories of his dad, he knew the jewelry is tied to the man and he knew he felt safer with it on.
"I'm sorry for acting like a little bitch," Ben whispered. He wrapped his arms tighter around his legs. "It was - It was just too much to handle. I finally found you and it was like every single insecurity I had rose to the forefront and I just couldn't deal. Lucifer talking didn't help," he grumbled, still mad at the Morningstar for being such a dick.
"Sam's dealing with God's and Lucifer's relationship problems," Dad informed him when the silence between them stretched too long. "I feel for bad him."
Snorting a laugh, Ben relaxed against the old beater he's been using as a hideout. He shifted so his arm brushed against his dad's, hiding a grin when his dad wrapped his arm around Ben, pulling him into a one-armed hug. A sense of safety settled over Ben like a warm blanket. It's been so long since he felt this safe, knowing that nothing could hurt him as long as his dad is here.
"How are we going to stop Amara? I don't God and Lucifer is enough," Ben says. He leaned into his dad, seeking more comfort.
Sighing, his dad agreed. "I know but they're our best shot. We'll think of something. We always do."
"I don't want to die," admitted Ben. "I just found you and Uncle Sam. It's not fair that I finally find my family and we could die tomorrow. Why didn't God do anything when Amara first appeared, when she was too weak to fight back against whatever he threw at her. According to Krissy, something big happened a couple of weeks ago that left people being inexplicably sick from something but after a few days they returned to normal. I'm guessing that had to do with Amara."
"The angels banded together and tried to smite Amara off the face of the Earth. Didn't work. Cas called it Grace Sickness. That amount of grace used is like being exposed to radiation."
"They suffered from radiation sickness?!" yelped Ben. He's suddenly thankful Krissy wouldn't let them go investigate.
Dad immediately soothed his worries. "People were cleared out of the immediate area by the angels, it's just those in the surrounding areas that suffered a mild form. That's all. No lasting effects, I promise." Dean mentally crossed his fingers because he has no idea whether or not he's right and it's not like he can ask Cas. At least not right now. Soon hopefully.
God, he misses Cas. He's surprised how much he does.
He has his son back, all that's left is getting back his angel, and then their family of four can kill Amara and go on that vacation he and Sam have been talking about for the past couple of years. The one they meant to take after they stopped the apocalypse...the first one that is. Not all the others that followed.
Ben relaxed, putting more of his weight against Dean as he drifted off into a semi-conscious state where he was aware of his surroundings and then he'd drift off for a few seconds only to find himself laying on his side, his head pillowed on his dad's lap.
"Let's get you to bed," Dad said. He got up then leaned down to scoop Ben up like he weighed no more than an infant and carried him to his dad's room. He deposited Ben on the bed then went to his dresser to find something for his son to sleep in. He pulled out an old gray t-shirt that's starting to get a little snug on him and a pair of sweats that could possibly be older than his son. Once Ben changed, Dean lead his son to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth with a spare toothbrush his dad hoarded from Uncle Sam.
Then his dad did something that inexplicably brought tears to his eyes. He tucked Ben into bed then laid beside him until Ben fell asleep, not moving until Ben started snoring.
Dean carefully got out of bed and stared at his sleeping son for a long time before turning and closing the bedroom door so his son's sleep won't be interrupted. He has a lot of things to plan with Sam, God, and Lucifer. Like hell is he going to let his son die before he's lived a long, happy life. Amara is going down.
Sorry for the delay. I had this done a couple of days ago, and when I went into town, I forgot the damn flash drive to upload the new chapter. I swear, if my head wasn't attached to my body, I'd lose that too. *shakes aforementioned head*