None of this characters belong to me, even some of the lines are typed out of breaking dawn to keep the moment more accurate with what S. Meyer wrote.
And so I'll burn in hell
Everything was going according to plans, I've been keeping her busy and physically exhausted so she would stop going over the sex subject, sometimes she was so tired to talk about it that it only took a couple of minutes of looking to the other side and I'll have to drag her sleeping body to bed. She was lucky to be able to sleep, she could forget the topic for hours, besides she was sleeping much more than she used to, maybe my plans were working a little bit too well.
I wished I could hear her talk in her dreams, it was my way of dreaming too but since we arrived she hadn't say a word. I hated it, not only I've lost my only way to glimpse into her mind but also I had too much time to think. I looked at her sleeping face, not able to look at her body, not only because the constant desire threatened my mind, but also because of the purple spots in her porcelain skin, my regular reminders of my thoughtless actions. The night went by, as the last one had gone by proving my patience, my endurance, torturing my mind. Practice, I remember she'd say we only needed practice to improve, as if it was necessary to me to keep hurting her, she was crazy and as appealing as the idea was, I couldn't take any risk to lose or hurt her.
The next day went really well, snorkeling was fun and the only thing that pained me more than the bruises that luckily were beginning to fade, was the incredibly small bikini Alice had bought for my blushing bride. Every now and then I'd take a look or two at her body, her milky, slim, tempting body, feeling the longing building up in mine, feeling my hands burn with the memory of our first blissful and fateful night, I was grateful that we were already by the sea, so it wouldn't look awkward for me to dive unexpectedly to calm my imagination down. When the night arrived I was worried, Bella had not fallen asleep as usual after her dinner and she had been in the bathroom for an abnormally long time. A flaw in my plan, I remained still in bed, fighting myself to go into the shower with her, I had to keep my word, be the gentleman I was supposed to be and think of her welfare before my own needs.
The door opened slowly, and I felt my eyes were going to jump out of my head. She was making this gentleman thing way too hard. She was not wearing the usual pretty, still easier to resist silk sleeping lingerie, the one she was wearing now was way smaller, covering only what necessary, was black so it contrasted beautifully with her skin, the look on her face was seductive making my mind go on fire.
"What do you think?" she asked, pirouetting so I could appreciate her in every possible angle, the woman was driving me insane. I cleared my throat in a vain attempt to control myself
"You look beautiful. You always do"
"Thanks," She said hurt, sour. It looked like if she wanted to start a fight but the tiredness of her body betrayed her, so she climbed into the bed and I put my arms around her so she could sleep comfortably, even when right now holding her close felt like a torture to my already weak will.
"I'll make you a deal" she said sleepily and I knew the conditions beforehand
"I will not make any deals with you" I said hoping she would drop asleep in any moment
"You haven't even heard what I'm offering." She wasn't giving up
"It doesn't matter." Neither was I, she sighed and begun playing dirty
"Dang it. And I really wanted... Oh well." She said innocently, I rolled my eyes, biting my tongue as I heard her yawn, her words danced in my mind, she knew I had a weakness for her desires, I couldn't help but try to make every dream of her come true
"All right, what is it you want?" I said almost defeated. Almost.
"Well, I was thinking... I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn't kill me," I had a suspicion of the way things were turning "Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can't keep up with all the brainiacs. Still... eighteen, nineteen. It's really not such a big difference. It's not like I'm aging to get crow's feet in the next year."
She was playing dirty but the offer was so tempting, I rephrased her words as to let them sink in me
"You would wait. You would stay human." My dream and yet my nightmare.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I said in an angrier tone than I like to use around her, it wasn't fair with me, I was trying, I was really truthfully and effortlessly trying. Why did the lamb want to be sacrificed so badly at expenses of the lion's mental health? "Isn't it hard enough without all of this?" I grabbed a handful of lace that was on her thigh suddenly thinking of ripping it off and finishing this matter, take her again, make her happy and make myself happy. I breathed, trying to calm my desire and frustration, I let go of the black fabric "It doesn't matter. I won't make any deals with you."
"I want to go to college." She insisted
"No, you don't. And there is nothing that is worth risking your life again. That's worth hurting you." I told her pained by her insistence; didn't she know what she was doing to me?
"But I do want to go. Well, it's not college as much as it's that I want, I want to be human a little while longer." I closed my eyes, looking at her wasn't helping me, then I breathed deeply and I could taste her in the air. It was an incredibly delicious flavor, not only her blood but also her anticipation, so sweet, so heavenly
"You are making me insane, Bella. Haven't we had this argument a million times, you always begging to be a vampire without delay?" Now that I wanted to be with her so badly and had actually seen the bright side of turning her into a vampire, she was backing off
"Yes, but... well, I have a reason to be human that I didn't have before."
"What's that?" I said suddenly realizing I was being selfish, did she really wanted to remain human?, I chastised myself mentally for that as she continued
"Guess," she said, and moved into me, planting a warm sweet and desperate kiss in my lips.
I kissed her back, having every move calculated; I then pulled her back carefully before she got what she wanted. Kill my sanity.
"You are so human, Bella; Ruled by your hormones." I chuckled in pain as I realized how much I loved and hated that
"That's the whole point, Edward. I like this part of being human. I don't want to give it up yet. I don't want to wait through years of being a blood-crazed newborn for some part of this to come back to me." She finally yawned; she would fall asleep in no time
"You're tired. Sleep, love." And I started humming her lullaby that always relaxed her, helped her sleep
"I wonder why I'm so tired," she muttered full of sarcasm "That couldn't be part of your scheme or anything." It was impossible to hold a chuckle then I continued humming.
I was thinking of the proposal she'd just made, she was killing me, I took a glimpse of her body in the dim light, I growled full of frustration, she looked so beautiful, I was going to kill Alice. Her breathing pattern suddenly changed and before I could start humming again she had woken up and gasped
"Bella?" I whispered as softly as I could, she didn't respond so I shacked her lightly; very careful of not hurting her "Are you all right, sweetheart?"
"Oh" was all she said before tears begun to stream down her face; A cold dagger went through my frozen heart, frantically I eyed her and begun to heard her more intently trying to figure out what was off in her body, everything seemed right, seemed.
"Bella!" I said louder "What's wrong?" I asked as I tried to clean the unstoppable stream of tears
"It was only a dream." She said sobbing, that sound broke my heart, or the ghost of it
"It's okay, love, you're fine. I'm here." I took her in my arms and begun to rock her back and forth "Did you have another nightmare? It wasn't real, it wasn't real."
"Not a nightmare, it was a good dream." What?
"Then why are you crying?" I asked puzzled
"Because I woke up," I laughed at her unique way of being, still a little concerned cursing the fact that I couldn't just read her mind.
"Everything's all right, Bella. Take deep breaths."
"It was so real," she kept sobbing, crying. "I wanted it to be real."
"Tell me about it" I told her running my fingers through her silky hair trying to soothe her "Maybe that will help."
"We were on the beach. ..." She looked at me and the sadness in her eyes stabbed me
"And?" I reassured her to continue
"Oh, Edward ..." her anguish was unbearable; I wished more than ever that I could hear her thoughts, find exactly the right words to say
"Tell me, Bella" I begged, I couldn't stand her being like this any longer
She suddenly caught me off guard, her lips crushed into mine with such need, a longing as big as mine, her kiss made the rest of my skin itch with jealousy, I wanted her lips to wander over my body, I wanted to kiss her in her more intimate places, I needed to… stop. I pulled her away seeing my rejection killing the shine in her eyes.
"No, Bella," I said trying to convince her as hard as I was trying to convince myself. She looked to her hands as her shoulders begun to shake lightly, new tears forming in her eyes
"I'm s-s-s-orry," I felt like I was burning alive, I hugged her tightly
"I can't, Bella, I can't!" I moaned in pain as her scent mixed with tears made my mind ache, of need, of failure. Made me feel horrible for hurting and rejecting her but also made me feel monstrous for wanting to give in, for wanting to be reckless and made love to her not worrying about her wellbeing.
"Please" she begged against my chest and I felt like I couldn't stand it any longer "Please, Edward?" she said putting to sleep my conscience, my fears and my boundaries
It was too much, I could bear with my anxiety but I couldn't deny her anything, I kissed her surrendering with a groan, she threw her arms around my neck still sobbing for the tears in her eyes, I quickly begun kissing her down her neck and jaw line, sweet little kisses trying to calm her down, but she wasn't in the mood for sweet innocent kisses so she threw herself at my neck and begun kissing it with uncharacteristic roughness, it was new, so different from her sweet somehow timid behavior of the first night. Her hands begun to fight frantically with the buttons of my shirt, she groaned as I chuckled at her impatience. I pulled her away gently and begun unbuttoning my shirt, slowly, teasing her and I was more than delighted when she begun eyeing me lustfully. Once I had stripped from my shirt I bent down to kiss her again, running my hands through her silky skin while taking pleasure of her sighs I then felt I needed to strip her off that lacy black lingerie that barely covered her, I tried to leave the piece of clothing intact, I really liked it but I begun getting frustrated at my unsuccessful attempt of getting her naked, it was her turn to laugh.
"Too much for you Mr. Cullen?" I grinned devilishly
"I don't think so Mrs. Cullen" and I ripped the black fabric from her white skin making her gasp and cover herself in a sudden attack of shyness I chuckled and begun tracing her flat stomach with my long fingers trying to melt away her timidity, she giggled when I touched a sensitive spot
"It tickles" she said blushing slightly. Did she had any idea of how beautiful she was, no she didn't I know that firsthand and so it'll be my eternal duty, convince her of her splendor. I put off my pants and saw her blush even darker before closing the space between us, she then begun biting my earlobe really lightly, she was a quick learner, only one time we've been together and she already knew one of my weakest spots. I laid her carefully on the bed and begun kissing her neck; I loved the way she shuddered with pleasure when I touched her, the way her breath pace incremented and blood rushed to her neck and face. Again I marveled myself with her blood rushing through her translucent skin it was so inviting, so appealing, it obliged me to want her more. But incredibly against all instincts I wanted her alive, I wanted the pain her scent caused to my throat, I wanted the aching thirst, I wanted and enjoyed it all, because it meant she was alive, she was with me, she was mine.
She moaned at the sensation my tongue caused in her neck, I allowed my hands to wander, to feel her, her curves, her warmth and softness. She kissed me again hard in the lips, even when it really felt like a gentle breeze against my mouth, I treasured her human frailty as much as I feared it, I adored the way she felt so delicate in my hands, so crystal like.
"I love you Edward Cullen" she told me with such want that I knew I had to make her mine
"I love you too Isabella Cullen" she groaned and I chuckled as I prepared myself for her "Please excuse me, Bella Cullen" she smiled approvingly as I begun moving into her, with extreme care, this time she didn't felt pain which relieved me immensely and begun moving with her, at the beginning in a delicate slow motion, slowly increasing making every single inch of my body burn with pleasure, she moaned my name and I knew that she was closer to ecstasy, we continued our dance until I felt the decisive wave of climax 'damn' I cursed inwardly as I felt her coming as well, it was such a powerful force that I needed to get it out, My hands searched frantically for anything besides my frail and blushed bride, then they found the bed frame, the hard not living bed frame.
We both gasped for air, even when I really don't need it I felt like I would die if I didn't inhale, she looked at me, her deep chocolate eyes dazzlingly shiny, her skin flushed and her lips red in a lovingly smile. God I loved her so much
"Do you know how incredibly beautiful you are?" she chuckled, as if I'd said a joke, I kissed her in the forehead and she sigh at the contact of my cold lips with her heated skin, I accommodated myself next to her and hugged her, she yawned and I smirked "bed time for the human?"
"Bed time for the human" she repeated drowsily I chuckled and begun singing to her.
She had fallen asleep easily, not even noticing the thunder like sound of the wood being broken or the splinters that I had looked for carefully so she wouldn't get hurt. Once she was unconscious I examined her naked body in detail, I smiled not being able to help the pride and happiness that swelled my chest.
Not a single injury, completely safe, completely satisfied and content my beautiful Bella slept in my chest, I could look at her without shame, I could be the husband she deserved, I could love her as a man.
Not as a vampire that endangered her I could make love to her, be one with her as a man, a man that lives for her, breathes for her and that in absence of a heart took care of hers.
For the first time in many nights I didn't envy her capacity of sleeping for now I could replay those memories over and over again, without rest. I sighed and begun caressing her back as I dreamed for the first time in ages with my eyes fixed in the ceiling.
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