VictorianPearl: Here is the latest installment. Notes will be at the end of the piece.
Rating: K+/PG
Genre: Angst
Title: Waiting
Summary: Sakura waited for Syaoran Li to return to Japan for so long, living only with her thoughts to keep her company.
I sit on my bed and try my hardest not to cry. It's been so long, but I'm still not any stronger than I was the first day we parted. If anything, I'm weaker.
I grip my sheets tightly and stare out at the night sky, attempting to get my mind off of him. He's all I can ever think about, I've become so consumed by him. He's in my every thought when I wake, when I go to bed, in my dreams…his face is there every time I close my eyes.
Going to school, doing things with friends, staying busy, those are all just things to make the time go by until I can see him next. Phone calls are nice most of the time, but sometimes I wish so desperately to just throw myself into his arms and be held tightly, because he has the power to make every bad feeling within me disappear.
My chin trembles and tears fall down. I am so desperate. I don't think I've prayed so hard, or wished so much before this time. I didn't think there was anything more painful in the world than what I had already experienced. This pain outdoes any pain I've ever felt.
My trembling hands clutch my heart. It beats so fast. I'm so anxious to see him. I'm always expecting him to walk right through the door to my house, or I'm expecting to bump into him whenever I enter or leave a store. I'm always left disappointed, but I never stop hoping. It's all I have, this painful hope.
The pain that stings me is somehow welcoming though. I know that it only hurts so badly because we love each other so much. So as long as I have this throbbing pain with me, I know that we are desperately in love, despite whether we actually say it to one another or not. I choke on more sobs.
Time moves so slowly sometimes between phone calls to and from him. When I think of all the time that has gone by waiting for him though, it's moved so fast. I try so hard to appreciate the time I spend with my family and friends, but it's impossible not to think of him.
I decide to stand up and place my forehead against the window. It is cool and comforting. It helps me calm down a little. I wonder if he feels the same pain that I feel. I wonder if it is this hard for him, if he thinks of my face every second of the day, if he thinks of me to help him fall asleep, or if he is always expecting me to fly in to visit.
Sometimes I waste whole days away. I've never done that before. I'll keep myself slightly interested in things for the day. I'll take small naps, play on the computer a little bit, go run an errand; I'll do things that float me through the day until night when I can call him. I waste whole days!
And is it worth it? Of course it is. I would rather live with this pain forever than have to live without him. I'm too deep in to turn back now. I'm too in love to turn back now. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. His absence has made me so fond of him my heart might burst from it.
It gets hard sometimes, at least more hard than usual. Sometimes when we call each other I'll cry, and he doesn't like that, it makes him sad. I don't want to make him sad, but it's so hard. Sometimes I can really feel the ocean that is between us. I can feel the hundreds of miles between us and I feel so small. I feel as if it's impossible to reach him across all those miles sometimes. I wonder if he ever feels that about me.
My tears finally subside. They come and go so often now, it's completely natural. The pain is completely natural. When I fight to sleep, there will be times when I, for some reason, blame him for my hurt and suffering, even though I know he must be feeling the same. But I don't know how he feels, and I sometimes wonder if he feels anything. I know he does, but the dark can be so oppressing sometimes. I have to make myself think of him in the most positive light, because if I do that when I'm falling asleep, I'll wake up happy and thinking of him.
I don't want to blame him for anything, because I love him. But it gets to be so hard. He's never blamed me for anything. He's never said anything bad to me. But he's strong, and I'm not that strong. He can survive without me, but I live for him.
I look up at the sky and breath gently, causing the glass to fog up a little. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that he comes back and takes this pain away, then again, maybe not. But I know that day will come. I know that he won't let me down, even though I feel as though I've let him down in so many different ways. I know he won't blame me has I have him, and I know that he'll love me as I love him. I rest my forehead against the window again.
"Syaoran, I miss you so much."
OOO
VictorianPearl: Short and angsty, it may or may not be in character for Sakura, but I didn't really care about that. I wrote this piece for me. I'm dealing with a bit of a long distance relationship at the moment and I wanted to use Sakura as my output. I wanted to show a weak and vulnerable Sakura that nobody else probably knew about, because I'm sure she wouldn't have told anyone, it would have been too painful to talk about.
Yeah, so there was some channeling of feelings going on here. I myself haven't really read any one-shots about Sakura missing Syaoran or vice versa, so I'm not sure if this one-shot is similar to any others out there, but like I said, I did this one for me. I hope you all enjoy it though!