VictorianPearl: There's a first time for everything, need I say more?

Rating: M

Genre: Angst

Summary: Clow has a secret he never told anyone, not even the person closest to him.

Title: Clow's Secret

The young woman didn't lie to herself, she just hid the truth. She dwelt on the past, but on a sugary sweet one. Her eyes were closed, but she knew she was alone in the room. She hadn't moved, she had barely even waken, but she already knew he was gone. He always was.

It hadn't always been this way. Things used to be so wonderful and exuberant. The days they had passed together had been loving and warm. His embraces had been that way too. Not now though. Now she only had memories to cling onto. Now she had to pretend that he loved her, noticed her, and cared for her.

Sun shown brightly in the room, warming her entire being and filling everything it touched with light. For just a moment, she could sigh and sink back into the bed and forget…but only for a moment. The young woman opened her eyes tentatively against the brightness of the sun. It, much like everything else, reminded her of him. She didn't know how she did it, but she could somehow connect everything back to him.

The sunlight dimmed a little and the young woman turned her face away from it. She looked down at his side of the bed. Her silky hair was splayed across the pillows, shinning with colors against the sun's light. Had he been there he might have run his hands though it, touched it softly before proceeding to touch her. But he wasn't there anymore.

The young woman contracted and wrapped her arms around the sheets and herself. She missed him. It killed her how much she missed him. It was worse than if he was really gone for good. By some twist of reality, having him near her everyday and seeing him everyday as she did now was even worse than if he were to be gone completely. Having to watch him and remember how his face used to light up when he saw her, or how he used to swing her around in energetic hugs was too painful. But how she hurt in the day didn't even compare to how she hurt at night.

Every night she cried. She cried because she could feel his warmth, hear his breath, watch his peaceful form, but she could not reach out to him. He had rejected her touch before and it stabbed a wound in her heart she had not been expecting. He had pushed her away and she didn't realize how deeply the ice was biting into her skin. He glared at her and she was too numb to feel her heart stop beating. But she couldn't let go of the man that once was.

How could she forget, or ask herself to forget how gently her husband used to hold her in his arms at night. Should she have to? No, she shouldn't have to ask herself to give up the feeling of him kissing her palms. She shouldn't have to forget the way he used to nuzzle her neck and make her giggle, or gently rest his warm weight upon her body and make her breath catch, or softly kiss her and stare into her eyes with such intensity that she thought she would cry, or scream. But maybe sometimes, she would rather just not remember.

When had it all started? It was hard to think through all of the grey that the past year had been, but she might have figured it out. It was with that creation of his. He had created those two guardians of his, and then he had created the cards. At first nothing had changed. He showed her The Sweet and told her he had made it while thinking of her. He had introduced her to the guardians and she had liked them. But fun turned into work, and work turned into obsession. Except the obsession didn't seem to be focusing on the work so much as it seemed to be focusing on not loving her.

The sunlight was blocked by a cloud and the room went grey. The young woman contracted deeper and wrapped her arms tighter around herself. Her mind was too clear. She remembered too well. It was as if he was there hugging her, pressing her back against his chest. She could almost feel his weight transferring onto her. She imagined his hands yanking the sheets from her body and instead covering her with his own. She whimpered softly, gently, urgently as his hands and his lips came into contact with her body. Her legs wrapped around him and brought them closer together. It had been much too long. Her once clear mind was now clouded with him. Heat gathered even though the room was still grey. The excitement was too much for her anxious body, and she clutched onto his stable form.

She fell back against the pillows, her body tingling with warmth. She opened her eyes to see navy hair spilling over her breasts, glistening in the light with the rise and fall of her breathing. She gently placed a hand on his head, not sure if he was a very good dream or a very good reality. He looked up at her with those soft blue eyes and it reminded her of the first time she had met him. They twinkled as the cloud passed and the light beamed in once again through the window.

"Forgive me?"

She should have flatly said no. There were so many things he had done to hurt her. She had suffered for so long, enduing an eternity of pain alone. Her mind had gone from youthful and clear to bent and cloudy because of him! And he thought he could erase it all with a simple apology?

But in the end, that was all she needed to hear, because he had the power to make everything better with one glance. He could calm her spirits with a few gentle words. He had the power to make her feel completely better by only hugging her. And truly, an apology was all that she had been wanting the entire time.

"Forgiven,"

~*~

VictorianPearl: When life sucks, you take it and turn it into a one-shot. It was good for me to change the pace a little and try something new. I have to say, I felt much better taking all of my negative energy and creating this one-shot (although I'm not sure how I came to think it up) rather than just sitting and feeling miserable. The one-shot itself is a little ambiguous, but I guess you can use your imagination a little with this one.