Chapter 8

"Dad's going to the baby shower?" Audrey asked, giving Steffi an odd look.

"Of course," Steffi nodded. "He said he wanted to go with 'his girls'. Then again, with this thing being held at Round Table Pizza... Hmm, I think the free pizza thing got his attention too."

Brian looked up from his laptop. "You two say that like it's a bad thing. By the way, we aren't spending a king's ransom on a gift, are we?"

"I was thinking a pack of diapers and a teddy bear would be sufficient," Steffi replied.

Brian nodded in approval. "Works for me! I'll spend 18 dollars altogether then get free pizza.

"And get quality time with some ladies and even a few kids," Audrey finished.

"Oh God, that's right; there's going to be four youngsters there under three... HEAVEN HELP ME! I'll be one of only three men there. Nine women, four children under three, a seven year old, an eleven year old, plus my teenage daughter. Is this what hell looks like?!"

"If so, Daddy, welcome to it. But remember, you passed up going to a basketball game with Paul and Heath for this."

"Yeah, and I'm already getting shit for it. Then there's your mother over there being the saint she is and offering to stay behind to clean up after. Stef, did you forget your back is barely healed?"

"How much effort will it be to pick up a few decorations, paper plates and cups and throw them away? The pizza shop staff will do the rest. By the way, Brian, there's also some ground rules you need to know."

"Oh Christ. Let me hear them." He gave a sigh.

"No cursing, do NOT attempt to pick up an infant, do not tell that eleven year old boy how to play any of your infamous pranks. Do not make an ass out of yourself. You get two beers and two smoke breaks and do not put on a birthday hat and sing Kumbaya in your underwear on the tables again like you did at my birthday party."

"Seriously, Daddy, that was embarrassing," Audrey added.

"Yep, welcome to hell, Brian," he said. "Maybe I should have gone to the game after all."

"And you get five dollars for the arcade," Steffi continued. "Those machines are meant for kids."

"Says who? I did not see a sign! I kick those kids' asses at games, watch me. I'm the life of the party, even at funerals!"

"Brian!" Steffi cried.

"Okay, okay, bad joke."

'This is why I had my tubes tied after Heath was born. One GROWN child and two teenagers is enough. I swear, Brian David... don't MAKE me call Nanny 911!"

"So I'm a little immature. You only get one life, live it!"

"Oh God," Audrey groaned.

"I'll stop smoking when I'm talking through a hole in my throat, stop dancing naked when I need a walker to help me out, stop toilet papering bathrooms when I'm pissing in a bedpan, stop drinking when I need a liver transplant, shower when it's a sponge bath, and sleep when I'm dead."

"Good words to live by, but as far as the baby shower goes, make the effort to be a human being. I don't think four hours will kill you." Steffi gave him a warning look.

"I'll behave if you don't go around like a chicken with its head cut off. Either let the wait staff or Audrey do it if you need to. The highlight of the evening should not be that of you pulling your back out again."

"I'll be fine. It's you that needs to behave." Steffi gave him a reassuring smile.

"Really, Daddy," Audrey added, "don't do anything embarrassing. It's not often we all get invited to things these days when you are home anyway. Don't give someone yet another reason."