Brenda Returns – Chapter 15
"Can I get you something?" Brenda asks as she closes the door behind her.
"No, thank you," he says, turning around to face her. She's still standing at the door with her hand on the door knob.
"How…how did you find where I was staying?" she asked, nervously.
"Does it matter?" he shrugs.
She wipes her sweaty hands on her jeans and takes a few steps closer to him. "No, I guess not. So…what's up?"
He looks around the room and tries to find any trace of a small child living there. "You've been spending a lot of time with Elizabeth and Jason?"
She raises an eyebrow. "Not that it's any of your business, but we've shared a few dinners together. You know Jason is my friend…"
"You and Jason couldn't stand each other," he interjects.
She puts her hands on her hips. "He's my ex-husband."
He chuckles. "Right. What a happy marriage that was."
"He helped me leave Port Charles after you left me at the altar. What is your problem…and why are you here?" she asks curiously.
"I just find it odd that you're spending time with a married couple who have 2 small children. Aren't their kids bored when they're here?" he asks, looking around.
She tries to control her breathing, which is starting to become labored.
He knows or he suspects…
"Look, Jax…I'm tired and would like to go to bed. If you could just leave and we can talk about whatever it is tomorrow," she says, starting to walk toward the door.
"This can't wait."
She stops and rubs her forehead.
"Then just say it," she says, turning around quickly.
"Do you….do we have a daughter?"
Well, there it was.
Tears well in her eyes and she blinks as her heart stops. She swallows, not sure what to say.
"Brenda? Just answer me. Do we have a daughter named Hope?"
Brenda's bottom lip starts to quiver.
"I…" she starts, but turns around.
Jax hurries over to her and turns her around.
"Look at me and tell me."
She stares up at him…into the same eyes their little girl has. She knew this day would come, but she still wasn't prepared for it.
"Yes," she whispers, then closes her eyes, afraid to see his reaction.
He lets go of her arms and stares over her head.
"Jax…"
"I don't know what to say," he says, walking around her. "I thought I'd know, but I - I don't…"
"I can explain," she starts, knowing how stupid that sounds.
"You can explain? How you had a baby….OUR baby and didn't tell me?" he asks, trying not to raise his voice too loudly, knowing that Hope was probably asleep upstairs.
"You LEFT me, Jax. On our wedding day. Do you know how that made me feel?" she asks with raw emotion.
"So that gives you the right to keep a child away from me?" he asks, flipping his coat jacket away so his hands can rest on his hips.
"It wasn't like that," she says, shaking her head. She starts to pace. "I left for Italy…ready to start my life over and planning on completely forgetting about you, about us," she snaps.
He winces.
"And Jason helped me get settled. He found me a place to live and a job and I was happy. I was forgetting about my life in Port Charles…my heart was starting to heal."
He shifts his footing.
"And then, I started to not feel well. I thought I had the flu, so I ignored it for a few days. Someone at work joked that I was probably pregnant…which made them all laugh because they knew I hadn't seen anyone since I had been there," she says, folding her arms across her chest.
"So, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive."
He rubs his temples with one of his hands.
"I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anyone to talk to or who would understand. It opened up all the wounds and felt like salt was being poured into them," she cried.
He continues to watch and listen, knowing that nothing she says will make him change his mind.
"I did try to call you. A few times. One time the phone actually rang but your voicemail picked up, so I hung up. Then the other times I talked myself out of calling."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Maybe I felt like you didn't deserve to know?"
He shakes his head. "You were pregnant with my child," he says, touching his chest, "I had every right to know, no matter how – no matter what."
"Nothing in my life made sense at the time, Jax," she rambles off. "I can't give you a good explanation or something that will make this all better or all go away…"
"You're right, you can't."
"I didn't have an easy pregnancy. I was supposed to avoid all stress so I quit worrying about trying to tell you, so that I could carry to term," she sniffed.
"Were you completely alone during all of this?" he asks, not sure why he is feeling any concern for her at this moment.
She wipes a couple of tears from her cheeks and nods. "No. My neighbor, Maria. She helped me a lot. She's been there for us, through it all. She even came to Port Charles with me and Hope, but she needed to get back to her family."
"She was the lady with Hope the first time I saw her," he says.
She nods. "Probably, yes."
Jax paces around, trying to let all of this sink in.
"Okay, so you "couldn't" tell me when you were pregnant," he stops to say. "But what about after she was born?"
"I suffered from post-partum depression. Maria was the one who took care of her for the most part for the first few months. I couldn't even think straight."
"Okay…after that?"
"By the time she was one, I felt so guilty. How could I call you up and tell you you had a one-year-old daughter? My secret just got bigger and bigger and I was too scared to tell you. I had convinced myself that you would try to take her back to Port Charles with you."
He shakes his head. "These are just wonderful excuses, Brenda, but nothing that I'm buying."
"There's nothing that I can say to make you understand," she says matter-of-factly.
"No, there isn't."
She slowly sits down on the couch and wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"I'm sorry," she says so softly that he almost didn't even hear her speak. "I know that's not enough, but I am."
He stares at her. "I have missed 4 ½ years of my daughter's life. She is sick, Brenda! She could have died and I wouldn't have even gotten to know her," he says through gritted teeth.
She closes her eyes, trying not to think about her baby being sick. "But you're going to save her life," she says, looking up at him with such hope in her eyes that it makes him take a step back. "I'll always be grateful for that."
"Were you ever going to see if I was a match for her bone marrow?"
She nods. "Yes."
"What, as a last resort? How many treatments has she gone through when all you had to do is let me know and help?"
She tries not to think of it that way. "Every decision I have made since I found out I was pregnant was to do what was best for her."
He stares at her, but it feels like he's staring through her.
"Say something," she says before wiping her face of tears.
"I can't look at you right now."
She nods and looks at her hands. "You have a lot to process. I think maybe you should go home and think this over before you say or do something…."
"What and take the risk that you'll leave and hide again?"
"I wasn't hiding!" she spits out. "And I'm not going anywhere!"
"Mommy?" a sleepy Hope asks from the stairs.
Brenda and Jax turn to look at their daughter. Brenda rushes over to her. "Oh baby, I'm sorry we woke you…"
"Hi Mr. Jax," Hope says, looking over at Jax.
He bites back all of the emotions he's feeling right now. "Hi Hope," he smiles at her.
"You need to try to go back to bed so you're not so tired in the morning," Brenda says, trying to usher Hope back up the stairs.
"I'm thirsty," Hope says, shaking her head.
"I can get you something to drink? Would you like a glass of water?" Jax asks, taking a step closer to them.
Hope smiles and nods. Brenda pulls her closer to her side when she watches Jax's face to that reaction.
"I'll be right back," he says, leaving the room.
"You know Mr. Jax?" Hope asks Brenda, as they walk down the stairs.
"Yes. A long time ago," she says, sitting down on the couch. She pulls Hope to sit in her lap. "Did you have fun with Cameron and Jake?"
Hope nods and rests her head against Brenda's shoulder.
"Here you go," Jax says, returning back to the room with a glass of water.
"Thank you," Hope says, taking it from him. She takes a sip. Jax can't keep his eyes off of her.
"You're welcome." He sits down on the couch, leaving space between them.
Brenda realizes that Hope was still in her clothes from the day when Jason put her down for the night. "We need to get your pj's on," Brenda says, tugging on Hope's shirt.
Hope looks down and giggles.
"If you want to go get them, I can stay down here with her," Jax says.
Brenda slowly shakes her head. "You can come back tomorrow. I really need to get her up to bed. The doctors say she needs as much rest as possible right now."
He nods. "Okay. I can bring breakfast," he says enthusiastically to Hope. "Do you like pancakes?"
"Yeahhhhh," Hope cheers.
Brenda smiles softly at Hope's reaction and stands up, picking up Hope with her. "Say good night to Jax….and we'll see you tomorrow morning," she says to him.
"Good night, Mr. Jax," Hope waves with her free hand.
"Good night, sweetheart," he says, watching Hope every second until she's out of his sight.
He wants to wait for Brenda to come back down, but knows that she will wait until he leaves. He'll be back in the morning and spend time with his daughter.
When he arrives back home, Carly gets up out of the chair and walks over to him. She puts her arms around him and cradles the back of his head.
"You okay?" she asks.
He wraps his arms around her tightly. "Yes. I got to see my daughter tonight," he whispers.
She closes her eyes and tries not to cry.
~*~
"Hey….I just wanted to let you know I was okay," Brenda tells Jason when she calls after Jax left.
"Good. I was going to check on you in a little bit," he says, glancing over at Elizabeth who is looking at him questioningly.
"I appreciate that," she smiles. "I don't want to keep you, but I'm assuming you have a good lawyer…"
"Yes, I have a good lawyer," he says, sitting down on the bed. Elizabeth crawls over to him from behind and wraps her arms around his shoulders and rests her cheek against his back. "You need me to call her for you?"
"Yeah, just in case. I'd like to see her tomorrow."
"I'll arrange it for you."
"Thank you," she says, closing her eyes briefly.
"So, I take it Jax knows?"
"Yeah," she says, biting her lower lip.
"Did he threaten you?" Elizabeth feels the tension starting in his shoulders and she tries to smooth it away.
"No….no. I mean, he was upset but Hope actually woke up and it sort of gave me an out. He'll be by in the morning with breakfast."
"But you're okay?"
"Yes," she reassures him. "Tell Elizabeth I'm okay, too. I'm sure she's worried."
"I will," he says, glancing over his shoulder. "You know, if there's anything you need…"
"I know, Jason. I appreciate it so much. I'll call Elizabeth tomorrow."
"Okay. Bye," he says before hanging up.
"She's okay?" Elizabeth asks.
"Yes. Jax is coming by for breakfast…he knows about Hope. He saw Hope tonight. But she seemed okay," he shrugs. "She'll call you tomorrow."
Elizabeth sighs. "Okay. Good. I love you," she smiles at him.
He pulls her around so that she's sitting on his lap. "I love you, too."