I followed behind Foxcatcher slowly, my mind on different things. I couldn't help but imagine a life as a medicine cat apprentice. My imagination showed a dull, lonely life stuck inside the medicine den all day. I hated the thought.
"Do you smell anything?" I shook my head to clear my thoughts, but Foxcatcher seemed to interpret it otherwise. "Did you even try?" He hissed. I flattened my ears.
"I wasn't shaking no. I do smell mouse." I mewed quietly, careful not to scare it away. Foxcatcher seemed relieved and signaled for me to try it. I dropped into the hunters crouch I had learned the day before and stalked toward the scent. My leg moved awkwardly, but I did my best. Unfortunately, my best caused a twig to break, and the mouse scampered off faster then I could react.
"Foxdung!" I hissed. I glanced at Foxcatcher. He was already padding away. I sighed and followed with head and tail drooping. He knew I would mess up! Couldn't he show me how to do it better?
"What do you smell now?" He asked.
"Rabbit." I replied. I automatically dropped into my crouch. I stalked forward, but my paw skidded the ground loudly. The rabbit heard and shot off. I gave chase. My paw slowed me down, and the rabbit quickly got away. I turned around to find Foxcatcher already padding away.
"Let's try some battle training. Maybe you can do something there." He mewed. I pinned my ears at the last part He did think I was useless! I would show him! "I want you to try to unbalance me." He mewed as we arrived. Bramblepaw was training with Icestorm on one side of the clearing.
"Hey Beechpaw!" She called, dodging beneath her mentor and using her muzzle to unbalance her.
"That is what you are doing." Foxcatcher pointed out. I nodded, watching as they tried it a second time. I turned to my mentor and crouched down. My sister and Icestorm paused to watch. Foxcatcher charged at me, leaping up to pin me down. I slid underneath him, but not fast enough. He landed on top of me. I let myself go limp. He growled in disappointment, but I wasn't down. I pushed him off, sending him skidding across the sand. He hissed and charged at me. Clumsily, I rolled away so he landed on nothing, then I turned and pinned him down. Purring in triumph, I didn't feel his muscles tense, or remember his strength. He shot upward, sending me flying across the clearing. My small size helped to send me through the air, and I felt the air leave me as I was thrown against the tree. Memories of the fox attack raged through my mind. I remembered being thrown against the wall of the camp, my pelt burning and stinging from scratches and bleeding from gashes. My mother, Cinderheart, had leapt in to help me. She had attacked the fox, slicing its throat, but not before it had ripped open her belly. I could remember going unconscious as a group of warriors who had just woken came to help. Even then I knew they were too late. Cinderheart was dead, and I was crippled. The long three moons after were just as bad. Jayfeather and Leafpool had insisted I stay longer then needed. They did everything they could. After the third moon, we all knew it wouldn't do anything. Even a lifetime of rest wouldn't heal my paw. No herb could mend me, like no herb could revive my mother, or soothe my hurting heart. The thought made me angry. I was no stronger then a two moon old kit!
Foxcatcher mewed in surprise as he realized what he had done, obviously having forgotten my smaller size and strength. He bounded over apologetically as the two she-cats bounded over to check on me. Whenever I moved, pain shot through my leg.
"Are you alright?" Foxcatcher mewed.
"I-I think so." I stammered, struggling to my paws. I could feel my leg start to collapse in pain, so I lifted it off the ground. Using the muscles hurt just as much, if not worse, then having it on the ground, but I knew I wouldn't be able to walk with it down.
"Let's get you to Jayfeather." He mewed, allowing his shoulder for me to lean on. For once, I accepted it without complaint. I had hit the tree hard. Mews of surprise from the few cats in camp signaled I looked as bad as I felt. I could feel Hollystar's surprised gaze flickered to me, but I ignored it. I ignored all the gazes. What if it had been a real battle? I could be dead by now. Jayfeather seemed to notice my pain.
"Take a nest." He disappeared into the storage as I flopped down in a mossy nest. Jayfeather returned with the usual poppy seeds and, to my relief, comfrey. He had returned to giving me the better working herb instead of just poppy seeds. Good. "Eat the seeds and rub the comfrey on your leg. Foxcatcher, what happened?" I ate the seeds as Foxcatcher explained the battle training.
"It was a complete accident. I forgot who I was up against." He mewed, his ears flat. I hissed.
"What do you mean, you forgot who you were up against? I am as capable as any cat!" I snapped, only half awake thanks to the poppy. Flickers of doubt flashed in both tom's eyes.
"Beechpaw, you know as well as we do you are not as capable as you want to be. Your leg prevents you from stalking correctly. You move too slowly in battle, or hunting, for that matter, and you are so small you are easily flipped off and thrown far." Anger welled up inside me as Foxcatcher named my weak points.
"I have strong points!" I growled, almost standing. Jayfeather's gaze became blank.
"Yeah. You learn herbs quickly. You have a good memory. Not many cats would know what comfrey is or what it was used for. That was one of the toughest herbs for me to learn." Jayfeather mewed. My anger continued to grow.
"But I can learn how to hunt and fight! I don't want to be a medicine cat! I want to be a warrior!" I argued. Sympathy clouded Jayfeather's blind eyes.
"You can't always have what you want. I couldn't. Cinderpelt couldn't. Unfortunately, you can't either. I'm sorry." Jayfeather turned, whispered something to Foxcatcher, and both toms left. However much I wanted to protest, I was being overwhelmed by sleep.
When I woke, Foxcatcher, Jayfeather and Hollystar were talking near the entrance to the herb storage. I closed an eye. They wouldn't say so much if I was awake.
"Foxcatcher, you really want to give up your first apprentice?" Hollystar asked. I could feel the sadness flowing off him in waves.
"Of course I don't want to give her up. She is a great apprentice with a lot of will, but we all know she will never be a warrior. Her paw skids across the leaves and grass. It slows her down in battle and hunting. I'm afraid some cat will kill her if she was in a battle. They wouldn't care if she was injured or not. They wouldn't treat her differently, except maybe worse. I don't want that for her. She wants to be a warrior, but she just can't." He meowed regretfully.
"She needs to understand that. The only thing she can do is become my apprentice, if she wants to serve her Clan." I wanted to yowl in protest, but I knew their minds wouldn't change. I was the only one who thought I could be a warrior. Unfortunately, even I was beginning to think that dream would never be fulfilled.
"Then it is final. Jayfeather, you are now Beechpaw's mentor." I almost yowled in despair. I didn't want to spend all day with a grumpy blind tom!