Disclaimer: I don't own LWD!

A/N: Okay, once again I'm sorry for posting so late! This chapter is a little bit angsty. I'm not so sure if that turned out well so please review and tell me! And to all those who have read and reviewed my story: Thank you sooo much! I'm very happy that you like my story and that you continue supporting me! Have fun reading!

I Dream of Derek

As I try to think of a guy that will go out with me this afternoon, he crosses his arms and his eyes darken. Derek isn't taking this well…I thought he would tease me about it. Why is he reacting this way? It's not like we've actually expressed any feelings for each other. Ok, his stare is starting to make me nervous; I better come up wit an answer now!

Let's see…Sam? That would be too mean, he's Derek's best friend, and I don't want to come between them again. Ralph? Eew, no. Noel? It'd be just weird. We agreed to be friends, I don't want to deceive him. Who's left of the guys I know? Going out with someone I don't know at all is out of the question. Who likes me enough to go out on a date with me but that I don't like enough to feel guilty about tricking him? I got it! That's perfect! I'm going out with…

"I'm going out on a date with Truman."

As we've just reached a red ample, I have time to study his face as he reacts to my announcement. At first he's shocked, not in a good way. Then he tries to put on a neutral expression. Just seconds later confusion makes its way to his facial expressions. Then something seems to make sense inside of his head. For the shortest time I see his look soften and my ears catch the tiniest sound of the slightest sigh of relief. Then it passes. And he begins to grin. And it's not a sarcastic who-cares-what-you-do sort of grin; it's a triumphant I-know-something-you-don't-know type of grin.

Just when I'm about to ask him about it, the ample turns green, and I concentrate on driving.

"Who would have thought that little miss perfect is a liar?"

"What? I'm not lying."

"You're just trying to make me jealous."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you love me."

I'm really, really tempted to just say yes, but I can't. I'm too afraid. Pathetic but true. I need more time! If he keeps pushing the wrong buttons, I'm going to say something I might regret deeply. Because I think I know what the real problem is. Mom and George would be irritated, maybe even a little angry, but they would understand. Lizzie doesn't want to hear too much about it but she's okay with it too. Even Emily is fine with it. The only one who isn't fine with it is…me. I realized it when Marti's teacher called me Derek's girlfriend. I could have played along. I could have said yes and enjoy the few minutes where we could just pretend to be a couple. But I couldn't. And not just because I wanted to hide my feelings. I've gotten very good at playing Derek's little games; I could have just talked my way out of it after playing along. The real reason is that in the instant in which the teacher called me his girlfriend, I didn't blush; I didn't feel happiness, butterflies in my stomach or anything like that. I felt a strong urge to tell the truth, that Marti was lying and that we are step-siblings and therefore couldn't possibly be a couple. My moral compass isn't okay with the step-siblings-issue, and before saying anything, I need to sort out this situation with myself. And Paul.

So no, no way am I going to admit anything to Derek before I can truly and honestly say that I don't care about us being step-siblings.

"Stop saying that! And okay, I am lying about going out with Truman, but I could very well be going out with somebody if I wanted to. The thing is I don't want to, and the reason behind that is none of your business."

"Fine, be that way. You're no fun"

Though he seems a little frustrated by my attitude, no news on that front, I see him relax. Maybe because now he knows I'm not planning on going out with any guy, maybe because…don't know, and who cares anyway. Sighing, I have to admit that of course I care, but I need to stop thinking about this, or I'm really going to go crazy.

At least he has stopped fooling around. Good. Now I need to concentrate on driving to school and somehow make it through the morning until I can finally talk to Paul in the afternoon.

Later…

I don't know how I got through the morning lessons. Even the teachers began to look worriedly at me as I kept sighing rather loudly. Which is not embarrassing at all…

Emily tried to make me spill the beans about the reason for my unusual sadness and silence. Even Derek noticed and rather than showing any sign of worry he thanked me for a morning of blissful silence. I ignored him as hard as I could and Emily too. For since I told her about my little big crush, she seems to have become unable not to giggle whenever she sees me and Derek interact in any kind of way. And I mean any. She freakin' burst out in uncontrollable giggles when she saw him take away the last clean tray in the cafeteria from right under my nose. Which isn't funny! Nor helping my fragile state of mind in the least.

At last, here I am in front of Paul's room. I take a deep breath and open the door.

"Hey Paul! I have a big problem."

"That usually happens when you fall in love with your step-sibling."

"Ha ha, funny."

"You don't seem to be your enthusiastic self today, what happened?"

"Well, remember our last session? I figured out that the problem was me. By now, I've found out that my family and my best friend wouldn't care about a relationship between step-siblings. They really aren't the problem. So I thought that I was freaking out because that's just what I do when I fall in love with someone. But, this time it's different, it's ten times worse! This time I'm not only freaking out because of that, but also because though everyone else seems to be okay with the step-sibling issue, I'm not. I am the problem here. I've always stuck with the rules, and though there isn't one specifically forbidding this, I feel like my mere feelings are wrong. And that sucks. It really, really su…sucks."

At this point I have to stop myself, because now the tears I've been fighting since I began my little speech are coming out now.

Paul hands me a Kleenex and tries to calm me down, asking me to take a few deep breaths.

"Casey, don't cry. It's a good thing that you've started to confront the problem instead of running away from it or denying it. Now let's talk about this, you'll see that it's not as bad as it seems. Tell me, when Derek kissed you, when he thought that you were sleeping how did that feel?"

"Well, it felt good, it felt alarmingly great."

"Then I assume that the thought that what you were doing or feeling was wrong didn't occur to you while it happened."

"No, not really. I was surprised and shocked and definitely pleased but it didn't feel wrong."

"Did it feel different than kissing one of your ex-boyfriends?"

"Yes. The kissing was good too, with the others, but with Derek it just felt, well, right. It felt like magic, you know? His lips are soft, but when he…"

"Don't need to hear the details. Casey? Hello? Earth to Casey, stop daydreaming!"

"Sorry! I got carried away."

"I got that. Let's focus here. So you've told me that you have a problem with being in love with your step-sibling, but how come that when you kiss him you don't feel anything wrong with it?"

"Uhm, hormones?"

"And that's all there is to it?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Then let me ask you this: how do you feel for Derek in comparison to how you felt for Max?"

"It felt good to be in love with Max, I felt happy. With Derek I'm never sure. I know I've fallen in love with him, but sometimes I'd like to kill him anyway. He has the disturbing ability to make me hate him in one moment and to make me love him in the next. It's like being on a roller-coaster. He makes me happier than I've ever been before and angrier than when J. K. Rowling killed Hedwig! And he can make me cry so fast and make me forgive him without apologizing, because…I don't know why. It's frustrating and reassuring and crazy and so real that it's incredibly scary. So scary that sometimes all I want to do is to hide in my bed and never face him or my feelings again."

"In other words: this is the first time you've really fallen in love, head over heels."

"Yeah…"

Chuckling and letting spill some more tears over my face, I lean my head on my arms which are folded over Paul's desk. The unbelievably tight knot that formed in my stomach while I thought about everything Derek makes me feel is making me tremble in fright of this feeling that should be called torture but that people refer to as love.

"Casey, it is okay to feel scared, but don't let your fears control your life. From what you've told me, neither your body nor your heart feel any repulsion to be with Derek because you're step-siblings. So, couldn't it be that blaming the fact that you're step-siblings for not being able to express your real feelings is just a very convenient way for you not to face your fears?"

Now that I think about it, Paul may be right. The thought of telling Derek that I love him is so damn scary that I guess I desperately sought for a reason not to be able to do so. Denial is a strong force.

"I should have known that. Waaahhh! This is all so depressing! And I'm behaving like a baby! Doesn't listening to this stuff annoy you?"

"That's my job."

"That…sort of sucks."

At this moment we both started laughing. And finally, I felt the fear and the confusion fade away. Not completely, but as much that I can think clearly now.

"Thanks Paul, for everything. Now if you excuse me, I got to go on a date."

"Good luck with that, I really wish you to be happy."

"So I stop tormenting you with my weird problems?"

"Mostly…"

Laughing, I wave Paul goodbye and start walking towards the parking place. As I spot the car I also see Derek, pacing around in front of it. He must have been waiting for me…

"Casey! Where have you been? I've been waiting for you for half an hour!"

"Sorry, I had to talk to Paul about something."

"I hope it was worth the 30 minutes of my life I wasted waiting for you."

"Yeah, it was worth it. Oh and by the way, I've decided to go on a date today after all."

"Who with?"

"You."

I almost burst out laughing at the expression on his face. I've never seen him so surprised. And now, he's smiling.

"You sure?"

"Yes. That a problem?"

"No, let's go."

We both get into the car, both grinning like, well, idiots, both utterly happy. Or at least I am.

"So, where do you want to go?"

A/N: I know, I'm evil to leave you hanging like this. The next chapter will be the final one, and I'll get it done by the end of this week. I promise!