Chapter Eight: Maybe Today

Overeager and underway

I risked it all, I had to say

What opened me up for the beating

But the heart is for bleeding

With scraps of songs I paste along

The seams of my clumsy tongue

In hopes of creating the golden notes

That might bring you back to me

-Carbon Leaf, When I'm Alone

Three days passed and Rodney felt uneasy in the peace that surrounded their little house on the edge of the lake. After he'd confessed to Jeannie, he had let her hold him as she cried. He had held her back and hated himself for not being able to cry with her, but he felt like he'd been crying too much lately. He no longer had the capacity to care about himself as he had used to. But her pain had blared at him like a fog horn, and he could not ignore it as he had once been able to.

John and Jeannie had always been friendly but over the sharing of a house they became quick friends, and Rodney had become a little wary of the situation. They would talk about nothing and everything, never seeming to run out of things to say and always dragging Rodney into their lively conversations until he threw up his hands in frustration and retreated somewhere peaceful. The friendly banter and teasing was a painful reminder of how he and John had used to act around each other, and there were moments when he honestly felt like John had replaced him with his vibrant sister. Which was completely stupid, because while John could and would make new friends in a heartbeat, there would never be another John-and-Rodney friendship in his life. Well, the old Rodney anyway.

His mornings followed the a set routine that he had grown to know and hate. Waking up way too early seemed to be the bane of his new life. He'd make a mad dash for the toilet and lose what food he had eaten before he trudged back to bed and slept the morning away. The nightmares became his regular nighttime visitors, although they didn't always wake him up screaming at invisible enemies. Usually he woke feeling disorientated and scared, but exhaustion soon dragged him back under. He didn't remember anything in particular about the dreams, just flashes of faces and places that he couldn't grasp for long.

When he finally emerged from his bedroom late morning, it was usually to find breakfast ready for him, Jeannie curled up in a chair on the porch reading a book or a journal of some kind, and John fixing something, or tinkering with one of the two rental car engines.

Rodney never talked to them much in the mornings, feeling too unwell and grumpy to be up to conversation. Eventually though, Jeannie would bring him out of his funk by dragging him out for a walk. John never joined them on these walks, and Rodney had a sneaking suspicion that it was because he wanted them to spend some time alone together.

They never talked about what had happened to him. It had become the darkest taboo to Rodney, because he still hadn't told either one of them about his other dirty little secret. That secret was beginning to make itself known to the world though, and he didn't know how much longer he could hide his illness from either of them. In any case, if he didn't tell them any time soon, then the time would come when they would be able to see the evidence for themselves. He hadn't started showing yet, but it was only a matter of time before he did.

The morning sickness was more than enough to frustrate him to the point of tears, and he didn't dare contemplate the possibility of what other symptoms were to come.

It was on the third night that Jeannie announced that Caleb and Madison were on their way to visit.

"It'll be a family holiday, Mer," she said happily before taking another mouthful of John's delicious spaghetti bolognaise. "Madison can't wait to see you. Caleb's taking a week off work, and Maddy's missing a week of school, but they both wanted to see you."

"When are they arriving?" John asked as he leaned back in his chair and took a sip of wine. "We'll have to get the other bedroom ready for Madison."

"They're driving up, so it should be sometime tomorrow evening," she replied with a grimace. "I don't envy him the trip. Especially with Maddy. She can be a real nightmare on road trips, like Rodney used to be. There was this one time we were driving to the coast..."

Rodney had zoned out by then. He had been in a irritable mood most of the afternoon, and while Jeannie and John had taken it in their stride, he knew that he was being an ass but couldn't seem to help himself. He needed an outlet for all his rage and frustration, and it had unintentionally become the two who meant the most to him.

The fact that there were two more people come didn't help, especially when there was a child involved. He would undoubtedly say or do something to hurt her, and he didn't want to do that and alienate the only family he had left.

"...so anyway, I thought we could go boating or something on the lake when they get here. They have that boat rental place just over the...Mer?"

Rodney stood up and left the table, walked out of the house and onto the porch steps. The stars were brighter then he could remember them ever being, and he took a deep breath of cold night air, hoping to banish the storm of emotion on the inside. Again, he felt like breaking down and crying right there in the dirt in front of the steps, but he just couldn't sacrifice his pride.

And that was what it all came down to, wasn't it? Pride, his one downfall and the vice he couldn't seem to overcome no matter what he tried. He was too proud to admit that he needed help, too proud to sit down and face the future and make a decision. He was so intent on keeping his pride and dignity intact that he couldn't bring himself to face the facts of what was happening to his body.

Slowly, he plodded down the stairs and made his way to the small shed that stood off to one side of the tiny garden.

It didn't take him long to drag his treasure from the shed. The telescope was the first he had ever owned. He had saved up all of his weekly allowances for months and then he had gone out and bought that shiny new telescope that he had been craving. He'd known that he wouldn't ever be given it for his next birthday, so he had taken matters into his own hands.

Every night for years he would spend out in their small backyard, studying those stars and carefully cataloguing everything he saw.

Setting the telescope up was automatic to him, and it wasn't long before he was sitting on the damp grass and staring up at the stars once more, without the telescope. It seemed a little redundant really, because he lived out there amongst those stars. Somewhere out there, he had friends and colleagues that he was responsible for. Somewhere out there, there was a war raging that he had played a part in. And somewhere out there, his former captors were still living and breathing.

A small part of Rodney knew that he wouldn't ever feel safe again until he knew that they were dead. When he got back to Atlantis he needed to read that rescue mission report. He wouldn't feel safe until he knew.

Behind him, the porch door opened and closed and he listened glumly to the sounds of someone approaching.

"Hey."

Jeannie crouched down next to him, and tilted her head back to look at the stars.

"It's hard to believe that there are actually people out there, living their lives just like we do. Makes you feel small, doesn't it?" she murmured.

"I live out there Jeannie," he mumbled in reply. "My home is out there."

"I know. And it's amazing," she replied, honestly. "Everything that happens in that galaxy is a miracle to me, Mer. And what happened to you is too in it's own way. I love you just the same. It makes no difference to me. You're still my brother, and no matter how far away you live, that won't ever change."

"Jeannie..."

"Whatever it is you aren't telling me Mer, that's okay. I only hope you can trust me enough to tell me one day," she said as . "Don't stay out too long. It's getting cold."

"I'm pregnant," he blurted out when she had turned towards the house again.

"I'm sorry?" she turned to look down at him. He could see the frown on her face as she looked at him and he concentrated on tearing a piece of grass to shreds. There was no going back now. He needed to tell her, he wanted to tell her, and although the fear tightened his throat, he couldn't turn back.

"I'm pregnant. I don't know...how but...that's what Dr Keller said and..." he took a deep breath. " And I think I finally believe her."

He looked up at his sister and wondered what was going through her mind as she stared at him in dumbfounded shock.

"I'm pregnant," he repeated softly. "Are you still sure that you want me as a brother?"

For a long minute she said nothing and he looked down at his hands as they wove another piece of grass into a tight knot. The shame in him was so strong it bought tears to his eyes.

"What do you think, Jeannie? Can you still love a freak like me?"

"Oh Rodney."

She dropped down on her knees beside him and reached out to him.

"I don't know what to say."

"How about, 'Stay away from my family'? Or 'you're a sick freak and I never want to see your ugly face again?'" He smiled bitterly at her, as he got to his feet.

"Stop it Rodney," she said sharply getting to her feet once more.

"Why? It's the truth, isn't it?" he asked miserably, wrapping his arms around himself as he backed away from her.

"No. No it isn't," she told him as she moved forward. He was forced to stand still when her hands rested on his shoulders. "You know that, don't you?"

He nodded his head unhappily and she embraced him once more.

"This must be scaring the shit out of you, huh?"

With his head buried in her shoulder once more, he nodded mutely.

"I...shit Rodney. I think I need to sit down," she muttered and all at once they were both collapsed in an ungainly heap on the ground once more, with Jeannie swearing under her breath. Rodney was just trying desperately not laugh, knowing that it would sound slightly hysterical and more than a little crazy considering the circumstances.

Eventually, they had arranged themselves on the ground, spread out on their backs and staring at the sky. Jeannie's head was on his shoulder, her warmth pressed against his side. Rodney's urge to laugh had faded at last and he trusted himself to speak once more.

"I don't know what to do anymore Jeannie," he admitted, fixing his gaze on a particularly bright cluster of stars. "I've just started to deal with everything that happened to me in that six months. I've just started to learn to move on and forget about it and now this comes and double whammies me. I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do Jeannie..."

It registers on some level in his mind that he's begging his little sister for help. In any other normal world, it would be the other way around. Older siblings were there to look out for the younger ones, to keep them out of trouble and bully and cajole them in the right direction. Though so far he had done a bang up job on that one, he had hoped that he hadn't been beyond redemption, but it had seemed that he'd been wrong again.

The world kept throwing him curve balls that he just wasn't equipped to deal with. And when he finally started to learn how to cope with one new thing, another one came along and blindsided him. It was the story of his life.

So far his life had been one disappointment after another. First his parents, then his broken dream of becoming a pianist, and it all just rolled into one big ball of failure. That was part of the reason why he had turned his mind to science, not just because it all made sense to him, but because he had figured, in some abstract way, that if he could understand the world and everything that made it the way it was down to its most basic molecules, then maybe he could understand life itself and maybe he would be able to deal better.

But when the truth was laid out to it's barest bones, he realized that he had been extremely naive in his figuring. It didn't matter how well he understood the way molecules and atoms interacted with each other. It didn't matter that he knew exactly how and why the earth, the solar system and stars worked with each other, or how wormholes were possible. It didn't make his life any easier to live and it certainly didn't make the major decisions he was forced to make on a daily basis any simpler.

Beside him, Jeannie exhaled slowly, shifting her head slightly on his shoulder.

"Who else knows? I take it you haven't told John yet?"

"No," he answered slowly, feeling that knife of guilt twist in his gut a little more. "No one else knows except you and Doctor Keller back on Atlantis."

"And what else did she say? Did she say anything about...an abortion of any kind?" Jeannie's question was slow, her words rolling together in the way that meant she was thinking.

"No," he laughed bitterly. "But then she doesn't have to. I think that given the evidence we have so far that it's not going to be possible."

"What do you mean, Mer? Explain it to me in layman's terms."

"Right." He hesitated a moment, bolstering his strength and forcing the words out. "So when Keller did the operation on me to try and remove the device, it basically killed me. I died on the operation table for several minutes before they bought me back."

And that in itself was something else he hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about. It freaked him out knowing that he had stopped breathing, that his heart had stopped beating for several minutes. He had caught himself thinking vaguely every now and then that maybe it would have been better if he had died on the operating table and that scared him more than anything because he knew that in his heart of hearts he didn't want to die. He had lived through so much, and just lying down and giving up didn't seem like an option. It seemed like surrender, and Rodney had never been one to give up without a fight, no matter how bleak or how tough things got. Maybe it was his unending desire to prove himself better than others, not giving up when perhaps he should and not letting anyone get the better of him.

"They stopped the operation once they had bought me back, and Keller deemed it too dangerous to attempt anything further until they knew more about the device. So I think the odds of any kind of forced abortion would be impossible unless they can shut the device off. And at the rate things are progressing with the research, I think it's highly doubtful that they'll be able to come up with any sort of solution."

He caught himself rambling and quickly put an end to his musings, as he didn't want to stray too far into subjects he didn't want Jeannie to be privy to just yet. Beside him, she was frowning in thought.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Think about it Jeannie," he told her sharply. "This is a technology in its experimental stages. The odds of me actually carrying a...fetus to full term are extremely low. It could be that it will abort naturally, and that I will...I could..."

"You could die too," she finished softly for him.

"Exactly," he replied flatly. "The way things are at the moment, no matter what we do it's a lose lose situation."

"Hypothetically speaking, if you could have an abortion, would you?"

Rodney was startled by her question. It honestly wasn't something he had given a lot of thought, but he knew the answer almost immediately.

"Probably. I'm not cut out to be a parent to anyone, Jeannie. We both know that. I hate children."

"I disagree."

"Why? You know it's true. You've seen me with children, you've seen me with Madison."

She propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at me.

"Listen to me, Mer. It seems to me like you've considered a lot of possibilities in this matter, but you haven't considered all of them."

"What? Of course I..." he started to protest, hotly, but she put a hand over his mouth, for once seeming calm and cool headed.

"Just hear me for a moment will you?" He nodded his head in silent agreement and she removed her hand. "You haven't considered what you will do if you do carry this child to full term, Mer."

"I..." he blinked, realizing that she was speaking the truth. It was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over his head. "Oh god..."

"Don't freak out on me yet, Mer. We're listening, remember?"

"I'm not a freaking child..."

"Then stop acting like one and listen, for Christ sake," she said, irritated. "If they do find a way to remove this thing from you, and you were carrying a child that was...say, six months developed, would you?"

"What are you getting at Jeannie?" he asked slowly, confused as hell and knowing that it was showing on his face.

"There comes a time in pregnancy that a fetus stops being just a cluster of cells and starts being a person. If it's left too late then doctors won't perform abortions. The only time abortions happen after that point is if it's a natural one. So what I'm saying Mer, is that if they do find a way to shut this device off, if they find it too late then there may be no choice but to have the child. Understand?"

"I..." he stared at the sky.

"Look, just lie there and listen to me for a minute. I think I might be able to put this in perspective for you."

She lay back down and her head became a heavy, yet comforting weight on his shoulder once more.

"When I found out I was pregnant with Madison, I went to get an abortion. I wasn't ready to be a mother and Caleb was...sure, we'd been together for awhile and I was pretty sure how I felt about him but I wasn't sure if I was ready to be married to him, y'know?"

He nodded and silently wondered how she was going to put such a huge, colossal mess into perspective for him.

"So, there I was, young and pregnant, and sitting in the abortion clinic, waiting for my name to be called and I panicked. I walked out of there and told myself that I'd go back in a week. That week became another and another and by the time I actually did go back they told me that I'd left it too late. I had no choice but to have her."

Yet again, Rodney wondered how her story was supposed to be helping him. It just seemed like another depressing story that did little to reassure him. But knowing his sister, she had some big surprise that she was going to pull out of her ass and stun him speechless with. So all he had to do was wait for the punch line.

"I spent the next few days crying my eyes out because I was so bloody scared I didn't know what to do. Caleb was...well, he was amazing. He helped me so much during those rough weeks. Eventually, I came to realize that there was no way to get out of it. What's done is done, and I had to learn to live with the results."

She was smiling at some distant memory, and it stilled Rodney. He realized that he was looking at a woman who was at peace with herself. She was happy with her place in the world. Rodney only wished that it could be so easy for him.

"So I had Madison and from the moment I first saw her I realized that it was worth it. I haven't regretted a moment of it since, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I'm just glad I didn't get that abortion, that I waited too long, because then I wouldn't have her in my life and I wouldn't be the person I am now."

"And this is supposed to help me how?"

"At first I was so afraid to do anything with her, you know?" she continued, ignoring him. "She was so little and needy and it felt like every time I picked her up I would break her if I even breathed the wrong way. I was terrified. But slowly, it becomes easier, and you learn how to adapt. That's the most important thing. You've got to learn to be flexible."

"Yeah well, I've never been the most flexible of people, Jeannie," Rodney said, unhappily. "And it doesn't really matter anyway because I really think that the likelihood..."

"Forget likelihood's and probabilities for a minute Rodney, and think about it from another angle," she interrupted him. "I really think you need to prepare yourself for all possibilities and not just the most likely outcome. You said it was still an experimental technology, fine, I can understand that. But who knows how many other alternative one's they created and disregarded before they came up with one in you. Who knows if the one they planted in you is the one that finally works? And what will you do if it does? What will you do if that fetus in you becomes a fully developed baby?"

There was nothing he could say to that. His head was spinning with all the new questions she had forced him to consider as much as he didn't want to. There was truth in her words, and for a moment he hated her for her level headed logic. It had opened a whole new realm of possibilities that he didn't need to be considering when he already had a truckload full.

"Look, I know how confused and scared you must be right now, but I want you to consider something else okay? I know that you don't think you're cut out for parenthood, and while I also know there's probably a ton of people out there who would agree with you, it just do happens that I don't." she said resolutely. "I've watched you my entire life, Mer. I've watched you grow up, hell; you were my role model for years. I watched how everything continually disappointed you and turned you into the cynical, jaded person you are."

"I am so not..."

"There's no use denying it, Mer, because we both know it's true," she cut him off again ruthlessly. "I know that underneath all that bluster and arrogance you are a good person, with a gentle heart. I know that if you just opened yourself to the possibility of..."

"I know what you're trying to say, Jeannie," he interrupted brusquely. "And even if I did want to, there's no way that I could. In case you've forgotten my home is Atlantis. Everything I've dreamed about is there. I have duties, responsibilities there and I can't just walk away..."

"And when your time in Atlantis is over, what then?" She asked.

They were sitting up once more, facing each other and Jeannie had that stubborn set to her chin that meant she wasn't giving up without a fight, and a rough one at that. Rodney may not be able to read people very well, but he could read his sister like a book. It came from years worth of arguing and fighting and bartering and bantering with his only childhood companion who had always been there. She hadn't really had a choice in any case. When you spent so long in someone's company, you got to know their body language better than anything.

Rodney had learned that when she got that stubborn set to her chin and that spark in her eyes that he was in for one hell of a fight. Usually, he was just stubborn enough to ride it out and not back down, but there had been times when he had learned to cut his losses and call it quits before she really got out of hand.

It wasn't one of those times

"It won't ever be over," he replied fiercely. "Not while there's still breath in my body."

"What happens if you get injured, god forbid?" she asked. "Or if you get reassigned or fired, which, let's face it, is a real possibility? What will you have to come back to? An empty apartment and a cat? Science? Because let me tell you, Meredith, when you're old and gray in that apartment, you'll be alone and lonely. And I know that you don't want that."

"I won't ever leave Atlantis, Jeannie," he maintained. "I can't."

She exhaled, and her shoulders slumped as she pushed some of her unruly curls out of her face. He took that as a sign of defeat, but the victory was an empty one, and it wasn't accompanied by the usual rush of triumph and the urge to gloat as it usually was.

"Look, Mer. If you won't consider that, then at least consider adoption or something. Even if you don't want to keep the child if it's born, then at least you could make another couple happy. A life's a life. I believe it was you who taught me that."

"It was?" he frowned.

She nodded. "Remember when we had that stupid neighbor whose cat had kittens? What was her name?"

They both frowned in thought for a moment.

"Mathers," he grinned clicking his fingers.

"Yeah her. She'd put the kittens in a bag and was going to drown them. But we rescued them, remember? When she yelled at us you turned to her and said..."

"A life's a life and it's not up to us to decide," he finished, softly. "I'd completely forgotten about that."

"I never did."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. He was surprised when she picked up his hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it.

"Just promise me that you'll think about it, okay?"

"I will." he nodded, know that there was no way he couldn't anymore. "But...I don't know how to tell them, Jeannie. They won't understand this...it's too..."

"I think you need to give them a little more credit than that," she told him. "Have they pushed you away after they learned what those people did to you? Have they treated you any differently?"

He shook his head.

"I've met them, Mer. They're good people, some of the best you could possibly hope to find anywhere. They're willing to fight and die for you. You told me that, so give them the trust they deserve."

"It's just...it's just so hard, you know? I'm barely holding it together as it is and the thought of losing it all just..."

"I know. But you're still here, Mer. You're still with us. You've survived this far and I know that you're not ready to give up on this just yet. Give yourself a chance. One day at a time, okay? We'll take it from there."

He nodded. "Thank you, Jeannie. I honestly don't know what I would have done if you hadn't..."

She pulled him into another rough hug. "That's nothing you will ever have to worry about. You'll get through this Rodney. Trust me on this one."

"I do." he whispered roughly into the softness of her hair, swallowing back his urge to cry. "Are you going to tell Caleb?"

"Not yet," she replied as they pulled apart once more. "But I do think you should tell John. He'll probably be your best ally in this. And I can't imagine that he'd let any harm come to you."

"I know he won't," Rodney murmured, looking down. "Sam's keeping it out of the records."

"Good."

"But you'll come and visit, right?" he asked anxiously. "I can't do this without you, Jeannie."

"Of course I'll visit. How could I resist the opportunity to see Atlantis again?" she grinned at him. "I understand why you don't want to leave. It's easy to fall in love with, isn't it?"

"You have no idea." Rodney swiped at his rebellious eyes. "I have no idea where this insane urge to cry keeps coming from. It's driving me nuts. I was staring at this pot plant the other that that looked like it was in desperate need of a good watering and the next thing I know I'm in the bathroom blowing my nose."

She smiled and patted his knee. "It's the hormones Mer. I'd get used to it, if I were you. Not only that but being tired all the time is something that runs in the family, which is why you've been sleeping so much."

Rodney groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Just kill me now."

The back door opened, and light from inside spilled out in a golden swath across the grass to where they sat huddled together. John emerged, standing barefoot on the porch.

"Is everything okay?"

Jeannie smiled at him as Rodney made a last attempt to erase all evidence of his tears.

"Everything's fine, John," she answered, patting his knee as she got up. "We were just about it go inside weren't we?"

Rodney looked up at her, and glanced forlornly at his forgotten telescope.

"But I..."

"Weren't we, Mer?" she asked, forcefully. "It's getting cold out here."

He sighed and heaved himself to his feet.

"Of course we were," he muttered as he quickly dismantled his telescope and trudged after her up the porch stairs.

"Hey, cool, you have a telescope," John grinned as Rodney passed him.

He looked at his friend in surprise and John winked at him.

"I didn't know you were interested in space, Colonel," Rodney commented as John shut the door behind himself. It was considerably warmer inside, and he realize just how chilled he had been getting sitting out there on the grass.

Probably not the best idea, he though ruefully to himself as he set his telescope carefully down out of the way.

"You could say I've developed a personal interest over the last couple of years," John smiled at his as they headed back towards the kitchen.

"I'd be surprised if you hadn't," Rodney snorted. "Considering we've been living in another galaxy for the last couple of years."

"I know. Sometimes I still have trouble believing it."

"You and me both," Rodney muttered. A warm hand on his arm stopped him in the kitchen doorway.

"Maybe you can show me, sometime," John said casually. "I'd like to see what it looks like from this galaxy."

"Are you propositioning me, John?"

"You could call it that."

"I could show you the Pegasus Galaxy, I suppose," Rodney mused as they set about clearing the table.

"Really?" John perked up at that. "That'd be cool."

Rodney couldn't help smiling in return. It was nice of John to pretend that he couldn't see Rodney's red eyes, or the traces of tears on his cheeks and it just went to show the measure of the man he really was. He was immensely grateful, and he couldn't take being embarrassed in his emotional state. He'd probably turn into a blubbering mess and he knew that John wouldn't appreciate having Rodney cry all over him.

"Yeah," he murmured to himself. "It would."

Sleep didn't find Rodney easily that night. He tossed and turned and wondered why the hell he was still awake because he could feel the tiredness tugging at his weary mind, and the grittiness in his own eyes and he wanted nothing more than to sleep because hopefully it would make him feel better. He felt like a shittier version of his old self, and when three am rolled around, he was thoroughly fed up with himself as he tossed back the covers.

The bathroom tiles were cold beneath his feet as he went about his business. The air was chilly, and Rodney wondered absently what season it was. In fact, when he thought about it he didn't even know what the date was.

When he stepped out into the main living area, he was surprised to see John sitting on one of the wide window seats overlooking the lake. For a moment, he considered retreating to the solitude of his bed, but John looked so alone and pensive sitting there with bright moonlight spilling through window that he walked over and sat down opposite him.

The best thing about the window seats, he thought to himself, was that they were big enough to sleep on comfortably. There was plenty of room for two people to sit without encroaching on the other's personal space. Rodney leaned his head against the wall at his back and looked out the window, following John's line of sight.

He understood, on a deeper level, why he had chosen this place as his retreat. It was isolated enough to be private and peaceful, and it was close enough to water to make him not miss Atlantis as much as he would have had he been further inland.

John obviously felt the same, because his gaze was fixed on the still surface of the lake, and the reflection of the full moon.

"I miss Atlantis," Rodney said after a long time.

"Yeah," John's answer was slow in coming, his voice deeper and roughened by sleep. "Me too."

"Funny thing though," Rodney continued. "As much as I love Atlantis and everything we do there, I'm always thinking about here. And when I'm on Earth, I'm always missing Atlantis."

"I know how you feel buddy. Though..." John paused, still not looking at him. "There's not so much here for me to miss. Not like there used to be anyway."

"Is that why you went to Atlantis in the first place?" Rodney asked, curiously. Despite everything they had shared, and how close their bonds of friendship had become, they had never really talked about what had motivated them to leave Earth. Rodney was pretty sure that his motives were transparent to everyone, but John was a different matter. In all of his time in the Pegasus Galaxy, he was pretty damn sure that no one was any closer to figuring out John Sheppard. The man was like a blank slate when it came to matters of the heart.

"Mostly. I think more than anything I was bored."

"Bored?"

"Yeah. I'd been given a pretty boring post in Antarctica after I'd been reprimanded. I'd fought on the front lines, saved peoples lives and killed people. I had a few close friends, but I'd severed all my ties to my family. I was flying choppers for a living by then. I needed a change."

"And you figured you had to go to another galaxy for a 'change'?" Rodney asked, with a grin.

John glanced at him and smiled.

"It's pretty out there, I know. As my father would have said, "I'd exhausted my potential" when I got in trouble with the Air Force." John's grin was twisted, and a little bitter. There was an old anger in his eyes that Rodney had glimpsed that made him feel awkward, as if he were bearing witness to something very private and quiet.

"Why? What did you do?"

"I tried to save a man's life," John replied, his voice blunt and even, but Rodney recognized the answer for what it was. It was one of the many perceived failures that haunted John, and drove him to keep striving for something that only he could see.

"And did you?" Rodney asked, quietly. He was treading on thin ice, he knew, but he had learned from experience that retreating at the slightest hint of danger didn't get you the answers you needed. And John didn't truly respect people who didn't have the courage to say what was on their mind. That had never been a problem for Rodney though.

"No. He died." John answered flatly.

Rodney sat there and looked out the window once more, towards the lonely dock with its unoccupied bench at the end. He wasn't going to say he was sorry, because he had no doubt that John had heard those words before and he knew they meant nothing to the man.

But Rodney also knew that John would have tried his hardest to save that comrade, and that he wouldn't have given up until the very end. No doubt he had risked his life and Rodney knew that John didn't need redemption for something that wasn't his fault, no matter what John told himself. It was more than enough for Rodney to know that he had tried because he knew that in all that time he had been held captive, John hadn't once wavered in his hope that he was still alive out there somewhere. His faith had paid off in the end, but Rodney knew that in most cases similar to his, they didn't.

He'd been extremely lucky to come out of that ordeal alive, he realized with a shiver. He should be grateful that he'd been reunited with the people he cared about. He was lucky that he was still breathing.

Humbled by his sudden realization, he stretched out his foot and nudged John's calf.

"You're going to regret sticking around, you know. Now you have to put up with my sister's family."

"I'm sure it won't be so bad," John smiled at him fully this time. "I get along with you after all."

"Give it a few days, John," he said as he looked out the window with a smile on his face. "I'm sure you'll change your mind once you eat Caleb's tofurkey."

"You should do that more often."

"Do what more often?" Rodney frowned as he looked back at John. He was startled by the serious and intent look on his friends face.

"Smile. It's been too long since I've seen you smile," John murmured not looking at him.

Rodney regarded his strange friend somberly for a few minutes before leaning his head back once more and closing his eyes.

You too, John, he thought to himself. You need to smile more too.

But he didn't voice his thought. Rodney had come to realize that lately, John had been tenser than usual, at times even distant. He figured that he had some kind of issue that he was dealing with, and Rodney held firmly to the belief that prying into anyone else's life wasn't any of his business, no matter how close he was to them. More often than not what he discovered was rather unflattering when it came to himself, and besides, he hated people prying into his life.

Whatever was bothering John, he knew that he'd come to terms with it eventually. He wasn't a stupid man, and although he usually brooded and lingered over subject's way past their use by dates, after many long hours of thought and introspection he always managed to let it go somehow. Rodney wished it could be that easy for him.

The conversations he had with John drained him, but not in a bad way. He wasn't sure how to explain it, but whenever he walked away from one of their more intense talks, he always felt so tired.

He finally felt as if he could sleep so he carefully maneuvered himself to the edge of the seat and patted John's leg before he stood up and retreated to his bedroom, leaving John to his pensive thoughts.

When his head hit the pillow and his eyes closed, Rodney thought to himself that he'd learned more about John in that short conversation than he could in months. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

John had found an old boat out lying in the muddy shallows of the lake. He spent the majority of the next day pulling off the rotten boards and replacing them with new ones from the hardware store in town.

Jeannie busied herself in the kitchen and the gardens, cooking up a feast for the arrival of her husband and daughter. When she was waiting for things to cook, she spent the time wandering around the small kitchen garden, idly pulling weeds and smelling the lavender as she picked at the herbs.

Rodney spent the day watching the both of them and scribbling half formed equations on a legal pad. As ideas and notions formed in his mind, he sat on the porch in the shade, drinking cordial and watching John work bare-chested in the bright sunlight.

Each board of wood was carefully inspected and sanded down before they were set aside in preparation for replacing the rotted planks. Rodney should have known that John was the handy man kind of guy, and watching him work with the tools was an unexpected pleasure. Not to mention that he was bare-chested and breathtaking. His smooth shoulders and back glistened with sweat in the warm sunlight, and he watched, mesmerized as his muscles rippled pleasantly. His long, long legs were covered by almost too tight jeans, but Rodney had no trouble imagining exactly how he would look without them.

He felt unimaginably pervy watching him as he was, but he couldn't dredge up an ounce of guilt.

"That's quite the sight, isn't it?" Jeannie sighed from the doorway, her eyes on John.

Rodney glanced at her and then back at John before frowning at the papers before him and clearing his throat.

"What is?"

"Oh please, Mer. I've known you your entire life. I think I know when you have a crush on someone. And believe me, I don't blame you. John Sheppard is more than worthy."

She set down another glass of cordial before him and took his empty one.

"Jesus," he hissed. "Will you keep your voice down? And I don't know what the hell you're talking about..."

She merely shot him a withering look and he sighed, collapsing back in his chair.

"When were you going to tell me that you like him?"

"We're not in the seventh grade, Jeannie," Rodney snapped. "I would have thought we were past that juvenile stage."

"Okay then. When were you going to tell me about your little 'infatuation'?" she asked mockingly. "Or is it more like 'lurve'?"

Rodney didn't say anything, resolutely not looking at her and watching a drop of water slid down his perspiring glass instead.

"Oh my god!" Jeannie gasped, her eyes going wide. "You..."

"Look," he stood up, narrowing his eyes. "I haven't said anything to him and I'm not going to. He risked everything he had to save me from...to save me. And I'm not going to jeopardize everything he has by following through on something that's impossible. It's not going to happen, so just forget about it, okay?"

"Mer..."

"Besides, he's military. It would destroy his career and he's already lost too much for me to risk what he has left being taken from him."

"Did you think that maybe it's his choice to make?"

It was Rodney's turn to shoot her a withering look. "Honestly, Jeannie. Can you see someone like him going for someone like me?"

Her silence was answer enough, and though the truth of it stung him horribly, he managed a smile.

"Exactly. Besides, he's more into busty women who put out. I'm not in any position to offer him anything he needs."

Having said that, he relieved her of her other full glass of cordial and walked down the stairs towards John.

John looked up from where he was crouched when Rodney stood beside him and offered him the glass. He smiled his thanks and accepted the glass, throwing down the hammer he'd been holding and sprawling, loose limbed, on the grass. He hesitated a minute before sitting down a safe distance away.

He was definitely not looking at the way the sweat was glistening on all that golden skin.

"So, what d'you think?" John asked, gesturing towards the half ruined boat. "She'll be up and running in no time. We can take her out, do a little fishing maybe."

Rodney snorted, and eyed the boat suspiciously.

"Please. I'm not seeing how that thing could even float. It looks like it's held together with spit and a prayer," he scoffed.

"It won't be when I'm finished with it," John replied, laughter dancing in his eyes. "Let me guess, you're not a boat person."

"Well obviously," he rolled his eyes, plucking a stalk of grass from the ground and weaving it around his fingers. "You've known me how long now, and you're still asking me stupid questions like that."

"All part of the fun, Meredith," John was grinning at him openly, and Rodney's heart sped up in his chest, taking his breath away with it. The way those green eyes sparkled with amusement, the slant of his grin and the single dimple that made him want to lick it were only a tiny parts of why he had fallen in love with the errant Colonel, but right then it seemed like a huge piece of the puzzle.

Rodney had a bad habit of falling in love with people that he could never, ever have. His track record so far had been abysmal.

He scowled at the use of his hated name, but it was mostly for show.

"Besides, I thought Madison would enjoy it." John was looking at the lake. "Though we'd have to wait for a nice day when the water isn't too rough."

Rodney tried his best not to watch as John raised the glass to his lips and drank deeply. He told himself sternly to look away as he swallowed, and that he definitely hadn't noticed the fullness of his lips, or the way they glistened when he licked them afterwards.

He cleared his throat as he destroyed another piece of grass.

"Uh...have you even looked at the lake, John?" he said, aiming for normal and pleased at the result. "There's barely a ripple on the entire surface..."

"That's beside the point Rodney. I wouldn't want to scare her, with all the movement of such a small boat..."John answered thoughtfully.

There was no way Rodney was noticing just how dark the mahogany of John's uncontrollable hair was in the sunlight. Not a chance in hell, he thought to himself.

"I wouldn't worry about that," Jeannie said from behind them. "She's a little dare devil. It won't bother her."

"Well she obviously doesn't get that from the Mckay side," Rodney grumbled.

"You can say that again," John put in. "You should have seen Rodney when the inertial dampeners on one of the puddle jumpers were damaged."

"Eek. I've been on enough car journeys with him to know what he's like," Jeannie grimaced.

"I'm sorry. Was there a reason you're here bothering us?" Rodney asked her snippily. "Don't you have something better to do? Like, oh I don't know, you could bake me a pie. I'd love some pie."

He received a firm swat over the back of his head, and John muffling his laughter beside him as he glared up at his sister.

"I'm not your personal slave Meredith. If you want pie, you make it your god damned self," she snapped back. The glint in her eyes, though evil, gave her away and he grinned.

"Why would I do a stupid thing like that?"

"Seriously," John sounded a little anxious. "You don't want to taste his cooking. It's lethal."

Rodney threw a dirty rag at him, which John avoided smoothly.

"Oh?" Jeannie sounded interested and Rodney didn't need her getting any more dirt on his misadventures in and around Atlantis.

"It's not really that interesting..." he hurried to say.

"Not interesting? Ford and Teyla had food poisoning!" John spluttered. "They were sick as dogs..."

"You know what I think is a good idea?" Rodney leapt to his feet, grabbed John's arm and unceremoniously hauled him up as well. John staggered against him momentarily before regaining his balance. "I think we should go for a drive into town and get some pie."

"Sounds like an excellent idea!" Jeannie beamed at him, and Rodney resisted the urge to groan, knowing that she had something in mind. "While you're at it, you can pick me up a few things from the store. Wait here and I'll go get the list."

John and Rodney stared after her.

"Did she say list?" John asked after a moment.

TBC

Disclaimer: Please see Prologue for standard disclaimer.

A/N: Okay, first things first. I have no idea how you built a boat, much less a wooden one, so lets ignore all and any inaccuracies that may exist for the sake of plot! Secondly, I thought I'd give all my wonderful reviewers out there some advanced warning; the next chapter will be in John's point of view. This may happen every now and then, but not consistently. It often helps me keep the story rolling and offers another point of view. Many thanks go out to all my wonderful reviewers who I didn't get around to answering. Thanks for all your support! I hope you continue to enjoy!!