Chapter Nine: When The Stars Go Blue
Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life
- Josh Groban, February Song
John wasn't the kind of man who took things for granted. He had learned at an early age that things that went unnoticed had a bad habit of going missing and before he had learnt that valuable lesson, he would find himself missing something that he had never known he had.
Life was nasty like that sometimes. He had seen the best and worst of people, and he liked to think that he had learned something from every different situation he had been in. Earlier, when he had been fighting in Afghanistan, he had struggled to see the point in all the suffering he had witnessed, and he had battled with a black depression and self-hatred that had threatened to consume him at every turn. Each day it had been an almost impossible task to drag himself out of his bed and back into his uniform for another arduous day of death and destruction and misery. Somehow he had kept on going, and at times he felt that he was a better, stronger person because he had. He liked to think that he had made a difference during that particular tour of duty, but he often had doubts about that too. He wasn't quite naive enough to believe all that patriotic bullshit people often tried to feed him about the war in Afghanistan.
During his other, shorter tours of duty and later on Atlantis, things had slowly shifted into perspective for him. Life had taken on greater meaning in Atlantis. It was hard to remain as jaded and cynical as he was when surrounded by the marvels and wonders that Atlantis offered to her residents.
One of the most important things he tried his best to adhere to was to never take anyone or anything for granted. Carson had been an eye-opener to him. He had been a good friend and a good man, and John often missed his dry sense of humor and his thick accent more than he had ever thought possible. But he found consolation in the fact that he was pretty certain that he had never taken Carson or his skills for granted.
Rodney was also another person that John would never take for granted, and for many reasons. The man was a mystery to him still, even after all the years they had known each other, and all the life and death situations they had survived through together. And still, Rodney managed to pull miracles out of his ass when you least expected him to.
John had been stunned speechless by some of Rodney's more brilliant ideas no less than nine times. He often gave hope to hopeless situations and more often than not managed to save everyone's lives on a rather regular basis. John himself kept going, fighting against impossible odds and often much physical pain in the hopes that Rodney would somehow be able to save the day once more. His ardent faith had always paid off and Rodney hadn't let him down yet.
When he had disappeared, John's world had felt like it was crumbling. He had hoped that he had never taken Rodney for granted, but his heart told him otherwise. There had been times when he was sitting in the cafeteria eating and he had wished that Rodney was sitting opposite him, entertaining him with endless babbled about all of his ideas, or providing a biting and sarcastic commentary on the current goings on in the city.
He had found himself thinking about exactly what Rodney would be muttering under his breath as he watched movies on Saturday nights with his friends and colleagues. Somehow, he always roughly knew exactly what Rodney would think about something, what would rile him up into a state of spitting insults and acerbic comments in his directions.
John had felt off balance for most of that time. On missions everything felt wrong without Rodney complaining about nothing and everything. He hadn't slept well in those months. He had missed a lot of things that involved the man, but most of all, he had just missed his friend.
John smirked in the passenger seat as Rodney sped out of the dirt driveway onto the worn road that led to town. He wore an expression of mild irritation on his face, and John suspected that while Jeannie drove Rodney up the wall at the best of times, he had missed his little sister terribly.
He had heard somewhere (probably from Sam) that Jeannie was Rodney's only family, and that they had been estranged for the couple of years before the beginning of the Atlantis expedition. Now John was aware that Rodney had many faults, but he also suspected that he and Rodney were more alike than either one of them were willing to admit.
And yet, watching his friend beside him, with one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting on his thigh as the wind ruffling his short hair and that intent blue gaze was locked on the road before them, John felt that familiar fluttering in his chest.
It had been such a long time since he'd felt something so pure and as simple as what he felt for Rodney, but he recognized it for what it was. And there was definitely a deep attraction there accompanying it too, and John had been acutely aware of that since day one. What he hadn't expected was for it to develop into something way, way more than attraction over the years of their acquaintance.
John wasn't sure when it had happened or why. Maybe it was because of the constant threat of death hanging over their heads on a daily basis, or maybe it was because they'd spent so much time together that he knew what Rodney was thinking or feeling perhaps even before he did himself, it didn't really matter. He had gone through too much, and he had learned too much about himself to know that trying to deny something he felt so strongly was pointless. That only led to a whole heap of heartache that he didn't need in his complicated life, and he didn't need any more heartache. He had enough of that to power an entire nation for a year, by his reckoning.
The one thing that did puzzle him was the fact that it was Rodney, who was so drastically different from anyone he had ever met. He was rude and arrogant and petty and definitely loud and demanding. He had a habit of alienating everyone around him, and he had no qualms about reducing someone to tears if he thought they deserved it.
But underneath all that, John recognized a lonely, insecure man who labored under the burden of his own intelligence. He could also be surprisingly compassionate and kind hearted at times, and his sense of humor could keep John laughing for hours on end. He was witty and intelligent and entertaining, but he when he loved something, he threw himself into it with a passion that many saw as obsession.
John recognized it as such because he felt the same about flying. It was a deep seated need, a thirst inside him that kept him going back for more. Sometimes, he just needed to get out there, into the wide open blue of the sky and lose himself in the simple act of doing something man kind had dreamed of for centuries; flying. He felt like he could breathe when he gave in to the urge, like he had all the space in the world to just be himself for a change without being weighed down by all the things people expected of him and he had no doubts that Rodney felt the same about his science.
He tore his gaze away from Rodney and shifted in his seat as he mentally shook himself from his contemplations.
"Uh...don't you think you should slow down?" he asked, looking at the road and then back at Rodney.
"What?" Rodney frowned at him momentarily before looking back at the road.
"Slowing down. It's a good idea if you don't want to break your neck," John reiterated with a grin. "Or mine for that matter."
He loved seeing this side of Mckay. Some days you never knew which side of Mckay you were dealing with, because he was constantly bringing out knew aspects of himself that kept him on his toes.
"Huh," Rodney looked at him with a small smile playing around his lips.
"What?"
"I just never thought I'd hear you say that."
"What d'you mean?"
"It's just that you love anything that goes fast. Jet fighters, puddle jumpers, all of that macho man grunt kind of stuff and you're telling me to slow down?" Rodney had an incredulous look on his face that was rather endearing, and John smiled as he looked out the window.
"Yeah well, I'd rather live to see Atlantis again rather than have myself wrapped around a tree because you can't handle the speed."
"Can't handle the speed? I'll have you know that driving a car is vastly different to those stupid F302's that you're so fond of..."
"That's hardly the point, Rodney. Now would you slow down?" John griped back, gripping the door as Rodney veered around a corner faster than he should have.
They were onto a main road now, but that didn't mean that the scenery was any less pretty. Rodney sure knew how to pick picturesque holiday locations, that was for sure.
"I'm totally..."
"Rodney." John level a look at him, and Rodney sighed, backing off the accelerator enough so that John could breathe a little easier. It made his heart skip a beat whenever Rodney complied with John's wishes. No one could ever say that Rodney cowered in front of him, but some thread of common sense in the man seemed to recognize that John did, in fact, know some things that Rodney himself didn't, especially when it came to anything military or diplomatic and he usually submitted to John's requests and warnings with very little fuss.
"I didn't save your ass so that you could die in a lousy car accident on Earth," John said as Rodney drove into the main street of the small town, and pulled into a parking space beside the only convenience store.
"Of course not. There are too many things to fix in Atlantis, too many scientists who need herding for me to lie down and die. Of course, the fact that Radek's there and seems to be handling things in my absence had no bearing at all..."
John, though not really surprised by the slightly bitter tone in his friends voice, felt those words slice through him like a knife. He had suspected that Rodney was struggling with everything that had happened but he hadn't known just how deeply the self-doubt had been driven.
The bare-faced truth was that Atlantis wasn't the same without Rodney. It didn't feel as much like home as it should have, and he liked to think that she had mourned for the person who had understood her better than anyone as Rodney did.
"You know...you should see some of the new protocols that have been established since you've been gone," John said casually as he followed Rodney down the isles of the store. "They've got these stupid rules that allow them to remove safety protocols the ancients had in place. You'd think that that wouldn't be..."
"I'm sorry. What?" Rodney head whipped around momentarily for the sole purpose of glaring at him. John fought down his grin and ignored the curious looked of their fellow shoppers who had turned at Rodney's abrupt outburst.
"Yeah. I mean, once there was this time they over rode the safety locks on these containers and that sent the city's lock down procedures haywire. Teyla and Ronon were locked out on one of the balconies for more than 48 hours. And there was this other time..." John picked up an apple and inspected it casually.
"Stop," Rodney held up a hand. "Please just stop. You're making me feel sick just by listening. I swear, how those morons ever got their doctorates, I have no idea..."
John grinned as he followed Rodney, who was stalking up and down the aisles muttering as he threw this and that into the basket he had picked up.
John was more than willing to listen to Rodney's ranting about incompetent scientists and how far the chain of command had deteriorated. He 'mmmed' and 'aahed' at the right times and every now and then threw in an idle comment that stirred Rodney's ire once more back to full force.
By the time they had paid for their goods and loaded them in the car, Rodney was finally running out of steam. It was good to see him back to his usual grouchy self, and John realized that they hadn't really spent much time talking since Jeannie had arrived. He paused as he opened his door.
"Hey. You wanna go for a walk or something? I need to stretch my legs," he offered, trying not to sound too eager. Cool and collected, that was him.
"Why? Not being in a life or death situation every fifteen minutes getting on your nerves?" Rodney asked sharply as he got into the car.
"Something like that, yeah."
Rodney said nothing as they drove out of town, but John noticed that he was driving more like a normal person. It was a bit of a worry to watch him drive, he admitted to himself, especially since he was notorious for getting lost within his thoughts and completely ignoring everyone and everything around him.
For awhile they drove in silence, and John assumed that Rodney had dismissed the idea completely until they were turning off the main road onto a nearly invisible dirt one.
"Uh…where are we going?" John asked, confused as he glanced at Rodney and then back at the road that wound itself way between the tall trunks of the trees.
"We're going for a walk," Rodney was frowning. "Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Well, yea but this is more like…cross country four wheel driving," John replied. "Or maybe even rallying…" he added when Rodney took yet another corner way too fast. "You know that walking implies that we actually get out of the car and use our legs, right?"
"I'm familiar with the concept Colonel," Rodney replied sarcastically. "After all the times you've practically dragged me across every kind of alien planet imaginable…"
"Hey, there was no dragging involved. You volunteered when they were assigning teams, remember?" John protested.
"..in all kinds of horrific weather," Rodney continued as if John hadn't spoken at all, "with injuries and dead people and children, I think I'm up to date with the whole walking thing, thank you very much."
"Now there's no need to get snippy. I was just saying…"
"Well you don't need to because we're here already."
Rodney cut the engine and got out before he could reply. John was grinning when he closed his door though. It had been so long since they'd argued about anything that it felt good. There was absolutely no other person like Rodney anywhere. He was a completely unique human being, who had been conditioned, he suspected, entirely by circumstance.
"And would you get that goofy grin off your face?" Rodney said as they walked side by side away from the path. "You look like daffy duck."
John found he didn't need to say anything to that so he shoved his hands into his pockets as they hiked over the uneven forest floor. He had no idea where they were going, but Rodney seemed to have some destination in mind so he happily followed.
"How's the leg then?" Rodney asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Not bad. There's still some bruising but the swellings gone down mostly," John replied.
While it still hurt most of the time, he had discarded the crutches and was getting around well enough without them. No doubt Keller would be pitching a fit if she knew, but she was in a whole other galaxy (and wasn't that fun to say) so it didn't really bother him all that much.
"So you just decided to forgo the crutches then?" Rodney asked, eying John critically as he limped along.
"Yeah. So?"
"You know that doctors tell you things for a reason, right?" Rodney replied, looking ahead once more. "Like, oh I don't know, preventing further injury? Perhaps even death?"
"I'm hardly going to die from a busted knee Rodney," John said dryly, trying hard not to smile. "I figure the sooner I'm up and about the sooner I can get back on active duty once we return to Atlantis."
Rodney gave him a strange look but said nothing, pushing on ahead so that John had to struggle to keep up as the walked further up a gentle, yet steady incline. It was a day John had never thought he'd live to see; the day when he was the one struggling to keep up with Rodney. The irony of that struck him rather suddenly and he had to fight not to laugh out loud.
"So anyway….Radek was talking about handing the Science Department back to you again," John said after an awkward beat. "I think he's been driven mad by the constant calls in the middle of the night for help. And trust me when I tell you…"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Rodney interrupted him abruptly.
"What do you mean?" John asked, a sudden unpleasant feeling churning his gut. "It's your science department. You built it practically from scratch…"
"I'm not even sure if I'll be…" Rodney stopped what he was say and looked away to their left. "It's not far now…."
He made as if to keep walking, but John grabbed his arm above the elbow and pulled him around.
"Tell me what you mean," he said evenly, trying to sound calm and in control.
Rodney sighed and looked down at the ground for a few moments before finally meeting John's eyes.
"I'm not sure if I'll be returning to Atlantis." He said slowly. "I haven't….I haven't really thought about what I'm going to do yet."
"You can't be serious," John stated, hating the horrible cold dread that had gripped his body. He couldn't lose sight of Rodney again. What they had experienced together and what they had survived through had forged bonds that were stronger than any metal. He wasn't supposed to just give up on everything they had fought to preserve for all the years they had known each other. It wasn't right and it most definitely wasn't fair.
Rodney may have been a lot of things, but a quitter wasn't one of them. His stubborn pride and his drive for perfection kept him from just backing off when he probably should have, and while it was something that never failed to drive John absolutely crazy sometimes, it was also one of the things that had kept their friendship strong.
"Do I look like I'm joking?" Rodney snapped, some of the fire returning to his demeanor.
"But why? Atlantis is our home," John struggled to find the right way to express the confusion and shock that was tying his stomach in knots and boggling his mind completely.
"I'm a liability, John. You and I both know it. I'm not fit to be on the team. I'm not fit to be in charge of the Science Department anymore. I can barely organize myself, let alone a large group of people who need to keep Atlantis running and functional," Rodney explained, a defeated and tired look on his face that John had grown too familiar with over the last couple of weeks.
While it had always seemed that the team couldn't function properly without Rodney, the possibility of him not being in Atlantis at all was unimaginable for John. Atlantis without Rodney wasn't complete, at least in his opinion. Sure, it might be able to function in his absence, but it would always seem incomplete and out of whack. At least to him.
"Rodney." John stopped and tried to gather his thoughts as he put his hands on his hips and looked at the ground for a minute before studying his friend's haggard face. "Right now, I don't think you know where your head is at. At least...look, give yourself some time to adjust. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Just give yourself some time. You don't have to jump back into the way things were. We can take it a little at a time as you feel up to it, but don't make any rash decisions that you're going to regret."
"There are extenuating circumstances, John," Rodney told him. "I haven't made any decisions yet and I know that I expect too much of myself sometimes. I just wanted to let you know. So I don't completely blindside you if it happens."
"What do you mean, extenuating circumstances?" he demanded. "What aren't you telling me?"
"I can't...it's nothing you need to worry about at the moment, John."
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean? Of course I'm going to worry about it, Rodney. You can't say things like that and expect me not to..."
"Just leave it alone, okay?" Rodney shouted unexpectedly.
John was shocked into silence. Despite Rodney's good intentions, he was completely blindsided by this unexpected revelation and he was angry too, no doubt about that. Rodney even considering walking away raised an irrational anger in his that surprised him with its ferocity. But beneath all that there was the horrible fear that froze him to his core. Not being able to see the man he had grown to love, not being able to talk to him or to protect him or touch him was something that terrified him. They had been friends through thick and thin, and John knew that he couldn't function properly without him.
Once upon a time, John would have been okay with it. He would have clapped him on the shoulder with a well meant "Good luck buddy" and waved him off on his way without batting an eyelid. That time and that man had disappeared a long time ago.
If Rodney was to disappear from his life, John would be left missing a vital piece of his heart and one that he probably couldn't function without.
He could live with the fact that Rodney would never be completely his, and that he would never know what it would be like to touch him, to kiss him. As long as he could see him every day and be a part of John's life, he could deal with it. But if Rodney was more than a million miles away in another galaxy, moving on and living his life, forgetting John, then he would never be okay.
The thought made him depressed down to the very soles of his shoes.
"I'm sorry," Rodney apologized, rubbing at his eyes with the fingers of one hand. "Look, I don't want to fight, okay? Can we just forget about it for now? I promise we'll talk about it later."
Mutely, John nodded, feeling a little numb and slowly, they started walking again. The quiet between them was strained and harsh, and a far cry from the easy companionship they had shared not minutes before.
It was the story of his life really. He would find a good thing, only to lose it soon after. He had lost his mother when he was only young; he had been ostracized from his family at a young age because of his independent and rebellious nature. In foreign countries he had lost friends to violence, and while he had exceeded all that was expected of him, he had still been packed off to Antarctica like a dog with its tail between its legs, though it had been the start of a whole new life for him.
Atlantis had been a multitude of experiences that was more than enough to satisfy his ever hungry curiosity, but with the good came the bad and he had lost people too. He had made more enemies than he cared to admit, he had made allies and the occasional lover, but real and true friendships were rare and he had found that with Rodney.
"I used to come here sometimes when everything got too much," Rodney spoke up suddenly. "Area 51 was more than I could ever have hoped for, but even that wore on the nerves eventually. I found this place not long after I was introduced to Stargate Command."
John listened in silence as they walked on. The huge trees were thinning a little, becoming more spread out, and he could see glimpses of the brilliant blue sky. Despite everything, there was nothing quite like the fresh air of the outdoors, sharp and cool, and with the sun beating down on his warm skin it was more than a little surreal. It was during the rare time he had off when he allowed himself to just stop worrying about everything that could go wrong and start living solely in the present. Being outdoors had always helped him do that. There was no need to plan ahead to avoid life or death situations, no ones lives hanging in the balance and no wars to be fought.
As he breathed deeply and cherished the feel of warm sunlight on his face, he listened to Rodney's voice, loving the way it sounded when it wasn't weighed down by barely contained panic or irritation or exhaustion.
"I drove all the way out here the first time and found the house that we're staying in. I kept coming back at least once a year after that. It was on my third visit that I found this place." Rodney told him as they finally emerged from the trees and into a tiny clearing that ended in a steep cliff.
The view was breathtaking. The tiny, natural look out offered a fantastic, clear cut view of the distant mountains, the small town on the other side of the sparkling blue lake and the miles and miles of woodland beyond that.
"It's beautiful."
"Isn't it?" Rodney was smiling to himself slightly as he looked out over the water. "I've never shown anyone else this place before."
John turned to him, insanely touched by the notion.
"I'm glad you showed me."
Rodney said nothing as he looked back out over the lake once more, but that small smile didn't leave his face.
Caleb and Madison turned up mid afternoon before Rodney and John had returned. They'd spent the afternoon sitting on that little cliff just watching. They hadn't talked at all, but that was okay. It was rare that John had found anyone who he could just sit with and not be forced to make awkward conversation, and despite Rodney's usual incessant need to talk non-stop, he had been quiet for most of the afternoon.
Not that that was unusual after his rescue. He was a different person from the one that had been taken from them, more introspective and even a little nicer to people. But John could see that the Rodney he had rescued was more of a shadow to the old one he had grown used to and he swore to himself that he would see that old feisty Mckay back one day, no matter what it would take.
When they pulled into the driveway, Caleb and Jeannie were sitting on the porch wrapped around each other while Madison was playing in the yard, several toys already scattered around the yard. It looked like they'd been there long enough to have unpacked and settled down to relax.
John didn't know Caleb very well, but he recognized his long, lanky form and curly hair from the single picture Rodney kept in his quarters on Atlantis.
Jeannie stood up as Rodney shut off the engine and they got out of the car. By Rodney's grimace he knew what she was about the say, but both were prevented from beginning their verbal attack on each other by the small, squealing little girl who hurled herself at Rodney's legs, knocking him sideways a few steps.
"Uh...Madison. Hi." Rodney patted her head awkwardly and John had to hide his smile as he ducked into the back seat to retrieve the shopping bags.
"Did you bring me a present?" the little girl demanded, and when John straightened he had to laugh at Rodney's expression.
Leaving the two to their bonding, he headed up the stairs lugging the shopping with him. While he felt a little less bad about their almost-argument earlier, he had been able to banish it completely from his thoughts.
Something must have shown on his face because Jeannie stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"John? Is everything okay?"
He managed a smile for her. "Yeah, everything's fine."
She searched his face for a long minute before nodding and dropping her hand.
"John, this is my husband Caleb, Caleb, Colonel John Sheppard. He's a friend of Mer's."
He shifted some of his bags to his other hand so he could shake Caleb's hand.
"Nice to meet you. Rodney's told me a little about you."
"Really?" Caleb smiled and glanced at the subject of their conversation. "I can't imagine Meredith being friends with anyone in the Military."
John had to smile at that. "We work together. But yeah, he's my friend."
"One of the only one's he has," Jeannie commented dryly. "Go and dump that stuff on the kitchen bench, John. There's a beer in the fridge. I'm sure you need it after witnessing Mer's driving."
"Tell me about it," John muttered as he went into the house.
For a long minute he leaned against the fridge, his forehead against the cold metal. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to be angry or upset with Rodney about the whole leaving thing. On one hand, he could understand why he was considering it, but on the other hand the very thought of Rodney being able to leave him and Atlantis tore at him on the inside.
"Hey. You okay?"
He straightened and glanced behind him to see Rodney standing in the middle of the kitchen watching him with concern.
"Yeah," he replied as he opened to fridge and got himself a beer. "You want one?"
"Uh...no. I was going to have coffee."
He nodded and shut the fridge door before twisting the cap off his and taking a swig as he turned around and watched Rodney prepare his coffee.
"Jeannie's cooked up quite a feast," he commented at last.
If the wonderful smells were anything to go by, they wouldn't go hungry that was for sure. There was something roasting in the oven that made his stomach growl in expectation.
"She always loved to cook," Rodney said. "Even when she was a teenager. Of course, our parents weren't around much to actually bother cooking dinner every night, but she never minded. Roasts were her specialty."
"Hm," John took another drink. "My dad always hired the best cooks. I never knew what my mum's cooking was like. She died when I was four."
"Oh. I didn't know that," Rodney glanced as him as he got a cup down from one of the cupboards, and John quickly averted his eyes from that enticing ass. 'I'm sorry. Do you miss her?"
John shrugged. "Can't miss someone you never knew. My father was never really around so most of the time it was just my brother and me."
"Are you going to go and visit him?" Rodney asked with his back turned.
"Why? You want to get rid of me so soon?" he knew he sounded defensive, and he silently cursed himself for showing just how much Rodney's decision was affecting him.
"No, nothing like that," Rodney said quickly, turning around. "I don't blame you for not being happy with me right now. I just wanted you to know that..."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me," John said, a little more curtly than he had intended to.
"I think I do. I owe you more than I can ever repay, I know that. I just thought it was better to be honest with you than..."
"I appreciate that Rodney, but you don't owe me anything," John interrupted. "You don't owe anyone anything."
"On the contrary I think I do," he replied with that stubborn set to his jaw that told John he was in for a fight. "You rescued me when I thought I'd be a prisoner forever. You didn't give up on me despite what people were telling you. You came for me when no one else would and you have no idea what that means to me. I'll do anything I can to make it up to you. Anytime you need anything, all you have to do is ask and I'll do it, no questions asked."
"Tell me what it is you're hiding from me," John blurted, then kicked himself when he realized what he had said. There was a beat when neither of them said anything, and Rodney stared down into his cup of coffee.
"Sorry," John muttered. "That wasn't fair of me."
"Don't worry about it," Rodney replied quietly. "Would it help you if I promised to tell you later? I can't talk about it now. Not with everything that's going on."
John didn't miss his glance towards the front door, and knew that he was talking about their present company. He wished, for a moment, that they were alone, and that it was just him and Rodney for awhile and all the time in the world to iron out the problems and wrinkles that had come into existence between them. But if wishes were horses….
"I'm not going to push you to tell me, Rodney. Whatever it is, it's your business, not mine. I just want to know that you're safe and that you're okay."
"I'm okay. Or I will be. I want to tell you and I will. Just...not yet."
"I can settle for that."
They stood there, the silence awkward once more, and John cursed the foul mood he had fallen into. He wasn't really fit to be around anyone, and he knew it. He knocked back the remainder of his beer and set the empty bottle down on the counter. He managed a tight smile.
"Look, I'm tired. I'm going to have a shower."
With that he walked out of the room, not looking behind him at all and not waiting for an answer. He realized that he was being childish and selfish, but the last couple of months were finally catching up with him, and he felt that he needed some time to himself. It wasn't that he was disappointed with Rodney. More that if he stayed in the same room any longer while Rodney had that pleading, helpless look in his eyes, he would probably drop everything to pull him into his arms and whisper endearing words into his ear.
The last thing Rodney probably needed at that moment was more sympathy. He wasn't blind, he had seen the way Rodney had started to pull away from anyone who offered him pity or treated him any differently. He had seen the way that he grew snappish and distant with anyone who saw him as a victim. But John didn't see him that way. He saw Rodney as a survivor, as someone who had battled the odds and come through by the strength of his will alone.
John had a bad habit of trying to protect the people he loved, even when they didn't always want or need it. And while he couldn't read Rodney's mind, he was pretty sure that he didn't want the kind of comfort that John wanted to offer.
TBC
A/N: I appologise for the lengthy delay in posting this chapter! Recent illness and planning a holiday have prevented me from focusing my attention in my writing as much as I would prefer. Thanks go to all the people who reviewed and sent me private messages in encouragement! I appreciate your dedication to my work and I hope you enjoyed this latest installment! Don't worry, I plan to post again as soon as possible!