CHAPTER TEN: Of Questions and Conclusions
If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh
I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand
- No Air by Jordin Sparks
"Whatcha working on?" Jeannie asked as she placed a cup on the desk before him.
"Nothing really," Rodney murmured distractedly as he reached for the cup.
"Doesn't look like nothing to me. What are these equations for?"
Rodney took a sip from the cup in his hand and promptly choked, nearly spitting the hot liquid out.
"What is this? Tea?" he demanded, glowering at his sister.
She straightened and put her hands on her hips, her blue eyes hard and flinty. He took a moment to rethink his question, but before he could open his mouth to rephrase it, she was off.
"Yes, brother-dearest, it's tea. Tea is good for you; coffee isn't, especially in your condition."
"Jeez, will you keep it down? The entire town can hear you," he muttered, but she took no notice of him as he hunched down further in his chair.
"And yes, you're welcome for me taking time to make it for you. Not to mention the fact that I cooked that entire meal by myself while you were gallivanting around the country side with your crush."
"Shit Jeannie...okay okay, I'm sorry! Now can you keep your voice down or are there any other of my darkest secrets that you want the rest of the house to hear?"
She seemed to unwind a little after that and she brushed a stray curl away from her face.
"Sorry. And anyway, where is John? I haven't seen him since dinner."
Rodney slid further down in his chair, trying to ignore the spasms in his back as he rubbed his hands over his face. Before him, the desk was strewn with papers he had been scribbling over. Even in another galaxy the physics that kept Atlantis running wouldn't leave him alone. It seemed that he had fallen quite easily back into that old habit of absorbing himself in his work whenever his mind was troubled. Jeannie would have told him that his avoidance techniques left a lot to be desired. Rodney liked to this that it was his way of dealing.
"He uh...I think he's in his room," Rodney replied, not looking at his sister. "He needs some alone time I think."
"Why? He seemed fine earlier," Jeannie sounded puzzled.
But then, she hadn't been living with him for the last four years (minus the couple of months of his captivity.) When you spent that much time with someone you learned their quirks and their habits quite intimately. It could be both a curse and a blessing when it came to John.
"Yeah well, he always does, right up until the point when he explodes. I'm telling, you getting inside that man's head is like navigating your way through a mine field blindfolded."
"So what happened?"
He glanced up at his sister as she leaned against the edge of the desk and looked down at him. He reached out and picked up the warm cup of tea she had bought him before taking another experimental sip. It was sweet and hot and strangely nice. He had never been a tea drinker, but then Jeannie had always been good at making things. Like children, and food and irrefutable, logical sense.
"I think he's mad at me," he sighed, really feeling his exhaustion.
"Why? What did you do?"
"What do you mean, what did I do? Why do you always assume that it's me who..."
"Because it usually is," she interrupted calmly. "What happened?"
"I told him that I might not go back to Atlantis."
She looked genuinely shocked at that, but before she could say anything Rodney kept talking.
"I know what you're going to say. I came here with every intention of returning, but now that I think about it, I'm not so sure that it's the best thing to do," Rodney explained helplessly. "I tried to explain it to John but he just doesn't understand."
"Well he wouldn't would he?" Jeannie said reasonably. "Look at it like this. Who's going to help you when you make a decision about the baby? Who could possibly understand or be in a position to protect you? The way I see if you would be best off on Atlantis."
"I know that. I do. But it just seems like I'm nothing but a liability while I'm there. I'm no use of the team and the science department is more than better off without me." Rodney rubbed his eyes tiredly once more. "I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being torn in two. Half of me wants to be there, and the other half wants to just let it go and find another life here."
"Rodney." Jeannie stood up. "You're not thinking straight. You love Atlantis more than you've loved anything. I know, remember? I was there when you gave up music and took up science instead. I've always admired your complete dedication to something you love and I've never, not once, seen you work so hard on a project before Atlantis. You need to ask yourself where you want to be in the end. Forget all that crap about not feeling like you're good enough, or what other people think, and just think about yourself for a minute. Deep down, where do you feel the most at home?"
Rodney sat there, unable to think of an answer. After a minute of silence, Jeannie stood up and leaned over to kiss his forehead.
"Drink your tea and try to get some sleep. You need all the rest you can get."
She left him alone after that. The house was quiet, and Rodney sat in the dark study with the desk lamp all on as the thought.
Silence was something that was very rare in his life. It ate at him sometimes because he hated the lack of noise, the lack of activity. When everything was still, he could lose himself in his thoughts all too easily, and it wasn't the kind of thinking that produced brilliant breakthroughs. It was melancholy thinking as he pondered the direction his life had taken, and all the things he lacked.
Atlantis was a dream come true for him, he had always been aware of that. It presented a never ending puzzle of issues that needed to be figured out or fixed. A city that was more than ten thousand years old had survived on her own for hundreds of years and they were barely scratching the surface of how she ran.
But apart from all the scientific wonders that she presented, Rodney had carved out a home for himself within the routines and the regulations they had set up there. Granted, it was a home wrought with danger and more than a little heartache, but that hadn't come as any sort of surprise to him. Anything worth having was worth fighting for. It was more than that though; it was that sense of belonging to a bigger picture that made it all worthwhile. It was something he had longed for his entire life, and had never been able to find until Atlantis. High School had been a never ending procession if disappointment and embarrassment, and he'd been only too happy to leave that particular nightmare behind. His home life had left a lot to be desired and the endless procession of job after job had grown harrowing after a couple of years.
Atlantis had come along out of no where and kicked him in the ass, expelling all his preconceptions and bitter expectations right out door.
He had doubted himself and his abilities since he had been kidnapped and taken prisoner, but it was stupid. Sure, Atlantis could run without him, and that was a good thing. But there was a part of him that knew he had more to contribute. He could make it run smoother, make it run more efficiently. He could utilize people's abilities better than anyone knew, because while he may be egotistical and self-centered at the best of times, he could recognize that there were some things he was absolutely hopeless at.
Feeling slightly better with himself, Rodney stood up and turned off the lamp. Now that he had started to sort out what he was going to do, the very thought of sleep seemed like the best idea he'd had all day.
"Uncle Mer, Uncle Mer!!" Something shouted in his ear.
For a moment, he thought he was still asleep, but when he was jolted rudely again, he opened blurry eyes and was greeted by the sight of his young niece bouncing happily on his bed with her blond pig tails flying.
"Go 'way..." he groaned, rolling over and pulling the blankets up around his ears.
"It's time to get up! Mommy said so. She's making breakfast! Pancakes," she chirped.
"It should be illegal for you to be up so early," he muttered into his pillow. "Lemme 'lone…"
"Aww, Rodney. Don't be like that," someone drawled lazily from the doorway.
He poked his head out a little to see John leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed and a lazy smile on his face. His hair was sleep tousled and a pair of loose cotton trousers hung low on his hips. His chest was bare, and Rodney had to tear his eyes away from all that muscled glory.
"Jesus. Go put a shirt on. You're corrupting my innocent niece."
His only answer was snorted laughter and Madison bouncing once more on the bed, obviously displeased with being ignored.
"Uncle Mer!" she whined this time. "Get up!"
"Jeannie wants you to take her for a walk before breakfast," John informed him, still grinning his evil grin from where he was leaning on the door jam.
He groaned into the pillow, thanking the gods that he wasn't feeling sick.
"Did you tell her she's dreaming?"
"Somehow I don't think she's going to accept that as an answer,' John smirked at him.
"Rodney!!" was Jeannie's timely input. "If you're not out of bed in five minutes you miss out on pancakes!! With real maple syrup!!"
"As opposed to the fake kind?" Rodney grumbled, throwing back the covers from his face and shivering at the cool air. He lay there staring at the ceiling and trying to remember the last time he had been so rudely awakened but his sleep addled brain came up blank.
"Well, there was that stuff they served once in the mess," John said thoughtfully. "You remember that sap stuff the Athosian's traded for on PX3-490?"
"The stuff that tasted like pears? Yuch," Rodney grimaced as he sat up. "How could I forget? It was so sticky it could permanently glue two people together."
"Remember Lorne and Jamison?" John grinned at him. "The looks on their faces."
Rodney laughed as he remembered that particular incident. It was the one and only time the mess had served that particular Pegasus delicacy.
"Rodney!!"
"Okay, already! I'm up!" he shouted back as he threw back the covers.
Madison squealed with joy and leapt off the bed and dashing out past John to race down the hallway hollering for her father.
John grinned at him once more before he turned to leave Rodney in peace.
"Hey John," he said hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"We're okay right?" he asked, trying not to show his anxiety. "I mean, you're not mad at me?"
John pursed his lips and looked at him for a long, measured moment.
"We're good Rodney. You just...do what you need to do. I'll understand either way."
With that, he was gone. Rodney sat on the edge of his bed and sighed in relief before standing up unsteadily and going into the bathroom.
Madison turned out to be a whirlwind of energy and Rodney wasn't afraid to admit that if he was anything like her when he was on a roll, he finally understood why people tried not to be noticed. She was bouncy and bright and full of ridiculous ideas that never failed to make him smile, no matter how hard he tried not too.
It was way too early for him to be up and about, but he found himself enjoying their walk. Madison talked non-stop about her school, her friends, about Jeannie and Caleb and about how she wanted to be a vet when she grew up. As he listened and inserted a cynical comment or remark, he came to realize that she was pretty smart for a kid her age. Granted, when he was her age he was already absorbed in his piano playing memorizing scores of music centuries old. Madison hadn't yet found anything to focus her intelligence on yet, and he made a mental note to point that out to Jeannie later.
"So what do you do uncle Mer?" she asked abruptly as she skipped along beside him.
"I...what?" he blinked at her, startled by the sudden silence.
"Well, daddy's an English teacher at the uni...unvis...school, and mommy looks after me and writes papers and stuff. What about you?" she looked up at him, her bright eyes curious.
Rodney glanced at her and cleared his throat, looking at the leaf litter on the winding path they were walking as he wondered how to reply. They had chosen a very pretty path, one that wound itself around by the side of the lake. It wove in and out between the massive oak trees. Madison was skipping happily, kicking through piles of dried leaves as they went along. Her bright gold curls shone iridescently in the early morning light, and it became very clear why she was so loved by her parents.
She was a bright spark, innocent and happy, naive of all the things that could go wrong in the world. She had no idea what kind of heartache her life would hold for her in the future and he understood the deep seated desire to protect someone so young. Preserving her purity for as long as possible seemed to be something that was deeply embedded in Jeannie and Caleb. And if he concentrated really hard, he could feel it in himself as well, because he recognized that maybe once, a long time ago, he had been like her.
But that still didn't disguise the fact that she was maybe a little too curious and intelligent for her own good, and that she had a habit of asking difficult questions.
"What did your mom tell you about me?" he asked, proud of himself for dodging that particular bullet. Madison frowned.
"She said that you're a scienfist..."
"Scientist," he corrected before he could stop himself.
"A scientist and that you help fight bad people." she finished, still frowning.
"Right well," Rodney smiled, secretly please at Jeannie's description. Although it would be more accurate to say that he fended off that bad people and certain death, he wasn't about to say that out loud. "That's what I do. I help fight bad...people."
"What kind of bad people?"
"What?"
"What do they do that makes them bad?"
Rodney was stumped. How the hell did Jeannie deal with all the questions and stay sane at the same time? And how was he supposed to keep from upsetting her? He'd never had much of an imagination, and making up stories to satisfy children wasn't one of his known talents.
"Uh...well. They hurt other people. That's what makes them bad. And they don't feel sorry for it," Rodney said eventually, trying to hide his awkwardness.
"Oh okay. Is John a scientist as well?"
Jesus, when would the questions end? And who could think so clearly first thing in the morning, not to mention the fact that they hadn't even had breakfast yet. Fortunately, he had refused to be budged from the kitchen until he had consumed some sort of caffeine, even with Jeannie glaring and lecturing at him.
"Uh..." Rodney suppressed the urge to laugh. "No he's not. He's a soldier. In the Air Force."
"So what does he do?"
Rodney resisted the urge to stop and beat his head against the tree. There was something to be said for being too intelligent. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.
"He flies things. Planes and helicopters and things like that," he replied. Or he used to. Only now he added Puddle Jumpers and Wraith Darts to that list...
"Ohhh!" she jumped up and down, excited. "He flies things? Do you think he'd take me flying?"
There was no way in hell Jeannie would let that happen, he knew, but he didn't want to dash the hope that was lighting up her blue eyes.
"Why don't you ask him that?" he suggested, mentally sniggering as he pictured that scene. John, unlike himself, was actually marginally good with small children, but it would still be funny.
"Okay," she agreed brightly. "Mommy's making pancakes for breakfast!"
Rodney found he could share her enthusiasm on that particular subject. He watched as she danced ahead, her arms flying and her curls bouncing endearingly. She kicked up more leaves and laughed as they floated around her.
There was an aching in his heart that he could barely contain as he watched her. Madison was truly a gem, and he only regretted that he hadn't been around to see her grow up. He knew exactly where the paternal feeling was coming from, but he couldn't entirely blame it on hormones or anything silly like that.
It was an eye opening experience, walking with Madison, and one he would not forget anytime soon.
By the time they returned from their walk he was feeling pleasantly tired, and his muscles ached slightly. It was a good feeling though; he felt like he could breath again properly, and it was a nice change from being so physically and emotionally exhausted that he was on the verge of collapse. He had probably been living on pure adrenaline and lack of sleep for way too long, and slowing down to something that resembled a normal pace had never been easy for him, but he found that when he spent time with Jeannie and John and Madison and even Caleb, it was a little bit easier to relax.
Madison skipped up the stairs and raced inside with Rodney following at a slower pace. He listened to Jeannie hollering for Madison to take off her shoes as he slipped his own from his feet.
When he entered the kitchen, John greeted him with a cup of coffee and a smile which Rodney returned.
"Nice walk?" Jeannie called from the sink
"Yeah," Rodney replied, surprised to find that it was true. "Yeah, it was."
John took Jeannie, Madison and Caleb out in his boat onto the lake that day, giving Rodney some blessed time alone. While he loved his family (and John) more than anything, he was a solitary person by nature, and he knew he would soon be going stir crazy if he didn't get at least a few hours alone to work on something of his own choosing.
That afternoon, he found himself drawn to the study once more. While real life could be as distracting and as confusing as hell, there were equations running through his mind that refused to leave him in peace, and he welcomed them whole heartedly. At least it took his mind off of things and gave him some respite from all the thinking.
As he often found, he didn't know exactly what the equations meant as he penned them onto paper (and wasn't it annoying not to have his usual PDA on hand?).
Power consumption of the ZPM on Atlantis was something that had always bothered him. He had always been fascinated by the way they were created and how they functioned, and while he could fault the ancients for their numerous flaws, he had to admire the genius with which they created things, despite all the flaws and redundancies that he had often run into.
ZPM's were by far the most fascinating and it was a continuing source of frustration to him that there was no way to create more, or to recharge the one they had. If only he could figure out the way they worked then maybe he had a chance of figuring out exactly how he could keep the city up and running indefinitely.
It was probably impossible. Rodney could spend his entire life working on it and never figure it out. But John had rescued him against all odds, he had done the impossible for Rodney and he figured that at least he could do was take the burden of trying to survive off his shoulders just a little by providing him with enough power to defend his beloved city.
So he spent the afternoon with his equations and mathematics, content to scribble down what he did know of the ZPM's as a starting point. He knew them off by heart, at least, and that was enough to go from.
Before he knew it, he had lost himself in his work and the afternoon rolled into the evening. He was vaguely aware of Madison playing noisily in the hall outside the study before Jeannie hustled her away and tried to impress upon her daughter the need for quiet. Both she and John slipped in every now and then, mostly just to bring him drinks and a sandwich, but they left him in peace.
It was dark by the time he dropped his pencil and sat back, stretching tentatively and hearing his back pop.
The house was strangely quiet so he stood up, and closed the notebook he had been writing in before tucking it away for the night.
Rodney wandered down the hallway and into the kitchen. He could hear the quiet murmur of voices on the porch and was about to go join them when he caught sight of a note on the table. It was in John's messy script, informing him that there was dinner in the oven.
Smiling, he pulled the plate out. It spoke volumes to him that both he and Jeannie knew him well enough to know that he hated being disturbed when he was in the middle of something.
He sat at the bench and got started on the plate of spaghetti that they had left him, not realizing how hungry he had been. There was also a bowl of salad that Jeannie had made for him, and he ate that too. Before he knew it, everything was gone, and he was feeling very full and content.
After washing his plate (Jeannie would have skinned him alive if he didn't) he ventured out onto the porch. Jeannie and Caleb were sitting together with Madison lying across their laps, fast asleep and covered in a blanket. John was sitting opposite them in one of the comfy arm chairs, on ankle resting on his other knee and a beer cradled in one hand. The radio was playing quietly, the strains of an old country song providing background noise to the quiet conversation.
John saw him first, and he smiled.
"Hey. Finally decided to join the land of the living, huh?"
Rodney returned the smile and collapsed into the chair next to him.
"Did you eat?" Jeannie asked in that mother hen way she had.
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Of course."
"Good. You'd wither away and die if someone wasn't there to remind you to eat and drink," she replied affectionately.
"Oh, I don't know about that," John said. "You should see him if he doesn't eat something."
"Oh I've been there. Even he couldn't resist Caleb's Tofu turkey once I informed him that there wasn't anything else," Jeannie grinned and elbowed her husband in the side.
"It's healthier than what the military serve you, I'll bet," Caleb replied with a slight frown.
"They aren't that bad," John protested. "The MRE's are better than nothing when you're stuck off world in the wilderness, aren't they Rodney?"
"Yes yes. If you're all done discussing my dietary habits..." he grumbled.
"Well, we've got to get Maddy to bed I think," Jeannie announced over the top of him, glancing at her husband.
He seemed to take the hint and both he and John watched as they roused a sleepy Madison. Caleb expertly maneuvered her into his arms and with a smile disappeared inside with Jeannie on his heels, leaving both he and John alone together.
He couldn't help but suspect that Jeannie had orchestrated it so that they could spend time alone together.
John took another sip of his beer. "I wonder what Teyla and Ronon are up to at the moment."
Rodney snorted. "I don't think it's that hard to guess. Teyla is probably meditating or doing some hippy crap like that, and Ronon's beating the shit out of the marines in the gym."
John grinned at him again. "Close enough, I think."
"Yeah well, I might have been gone for awhile, but some things never change," Rodney replied, trying to smile. John looked at him for a long minute before standing up, his near empty beer bottle dangling from his fingers.
"Come on. Show me this telescope of yours."
Surprised by his sudden request, Rodney stared at him for a long minute, unsure what to think of the sudden offer. Of course, he remembered offering to show John the stars through his telescope, but he hadn't actually thought that John would take him up on the offer. Rodney had just assumed that it was one of those things that they both said they would always do but never actually got around to doing. He had always assumed that John was humoring him in the way that popular kids humored the geeky kid next door when they had to wait at the bus stop together.
"Up you get," John clicked his fingers to get Rodney's attention. "Go get your telescope."
Rodney clambered to his feet quickly.
"Uh...right. Sure. I'll just..." he gestured awkwardly behind himself before backing away and ducking around the corner of the house. Silently, he cursed himself for acting like a fourteen year old boy with his first crush. He had no doubt that he was blushing uncontrollably and hated his fair complexion all the more.
It didn't take him long to locate his telescope. After all, he couldn't help who he was, and being absolutely paranoid and pedantic about the tools of his trade was a trait of his that was constantly being pointed out by others and made fun of by many.
When he returned to the front of the house, John was standing at end of the small jetty, near the bench with his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his head tilted back to look up at the sky. For a few long minutes, Rodney's couldn't move or think. His heart was beating loudly in his chest, and the picturesque beauty of John fairly look his breath away as the man stood outlined against the calm of the water with the bright stars serving as a muted backdrop.
Rodney knew that he couldn't keep up his act for much longer. Sooner or later he'd break from the force of his emotions for John, because each minute that passed in his company Rodney could feel the gravitational pull of John, like the way a black hole swallowed everything around it. Soon, he would be consumed and he knew that it was only a matter of time. It seemed that time was becoming a precious commodity to him.
Swallowing roughly, Rodney started down towards him, fighting to get control of his expression. As he approached John turned and smiled at him.
"It's a nice night for it. Not a cloud in the sky."
Rodney made a non-committal noise as he crouched down and started taking out his telescope out of its box.
"So…" Rodney cleared his throat as he started to set up the stand. John was sitting on the bench with his arms laid along the top and his beer dangling from one hand. "I was thinking of buying this place."
"Really?" John sounded rather mellow, considering how sore of a subject it was between them recently. Rodney even thinking about investing in property on Earth seemed so final, as if he had made a decision already (which he hadn't) and he was expecting anger of some kind from his friend. The fact that it hadn't shown itself yet made him rather twitchy.
"Yeah. I mean, it's a nice location, quiet and pretty. It would make a good holiday location," he glanced behind him at John as he mounted the telescope on the stand. "Jeannie and Caleb would probably use it more than I would anyway, but it would be nice to have somewhere I can come back to whenever I want."
"Hm," was John's only reply.
"And of course you'd be more than welcome to use it whenever you visit." Rodney continued, wondering where they were going with the conversation. Not that John was putting much effort into it, but Rodney was just counting his blessings that they hadn't exploded into another argument. He wasn't sure how far he was willing to push the subject though, because trying to get John to talk about something he didn't want to was similar to waking a hungry, hibernating bear in the middle of winter. Poke it with a stick and the odds were you'd get your hand bitten off for the effort.
"It's not like there are very many places we can set up holiday locations in the Pegasus," Rodney continued, talking more to himself than to John. "I mean, the place is overrun by the Wraith and that doesn't exactly make relaxing a priority."
"Rodney," John interrupted, with the warmth of humor in his voice. "Are we gonna do this already?"
Surprised, Rodney looked up at John from where he was crouched and realize that he had finished setting the telescope up without even realizing it. His hands had flown through the old familiar routine without him needing to pay attention to what he was doing. Like riding a bike, he thought to himself. Once you learn, you never really forgot.
"Sure." He stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans.
It took him a couple of minutes to adjust the focus of the telescope as he found a particularly pretty constellation to show John, and he wondered vaguely what he was doing with John. Wouldn't it have been a better idea to distance himself and try to ignore the depth of his feelings for the man?
Rodney straightened and stepped back so John could move forward, trying to stifle his inner turmoil as best as he could.
"Have a look," he murmured, looking upwards himself. John had been right when he'd said that it was a good night for star gazing. The light from the distant giants wasn't smothered by pollution from the cities for a change, and they shone strongly against the dark backdrop of space. It reminded him strongly of when he was a boy, and science was one big enigma that he hadn't learnt about yet. That was back before he had known exactly how the universe was created and how stars were born, and back before he had been introduced to the great minds of old that had opened peoples eyes to all the gaping possibilities out there.
He'd been out there. He's flown past blazing stars, circled planets in orbit, even made a terrifying leap through the emptiness of space to get to a broken down satellite. He'd done all that, and it was more than he had ever imagined more than he'd ever thought he'd get to experience.
He stiffened in surprised when John rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned down to look through the lens and he was frozen in place beneath the heavy warmth of it. After a moment though, his knees trembled and his stomach danced in tight circles.
"Wow," John murmured, seemingly oblivious to the effect of the simple contact he'd initiated. "It's stunning."
His hand dropped away from Rodney's shoulder and moved to adjust the focus a little, but Rodney was still frozen in place and his tongue felt like lead in his mouth. He felt jittery from a single touch from John, and he cursed the way he made him feel like an awkward teenager once more. It had been such a long time since anyone had made him feel something so strong and so pure that it reduced him to a mindless puddle of mush, and he couldn't help but resent John's ability to make him forget who he was.
'Yeah,' he thought as he looked at John. 'Wow…'
John straightened from his crouch and smiled at him.
"Show me something else."
Wordlessly, Rodney complied, bending again to readjust the telescope. There was no way he could have made excuses like he wanted to so he could just get away as far as possible from the source of his pain and pleasure.
The boyish glee visible on John's face told Rodney that he was in serious trouble. John projected a unique appeal to those around him, even though he was by nature a very private and secretive person, and it made village leaders trust him, women worship him and inspired unquestioning loyalty in suspicious soldiers.
Rodney should have known that he wasn't immune to that unintentional charm. Somehow, without realizing it he had joined the hordes of women (and no doubt men as well) who had fallen for those roguish good looks and that strange, yet agreeable personality.
Focusing yet again on a set of stars, Rodney straightened and turned around, only to come face to face with John, so close that he could feel the gentle brush of his breath.
He stood frozen to the spot, swallowing nervously and trying desperately not to look into John's amazingly clear hazel eyes. After a few agonizing minutes, his legs finally responded to what his brain was screaming frantically and he made to move around his friend with the intention of sitting down on the bench before his shaky knees gave out on him.
"Rodney," John's voice and a hand on his arm had goose bumps rising on his arm. "I never told you…I just wanted to let you know how…proud I am of you. For surviving what happened to you..."
Rodney stared at him in frozen shock for a long minute. Of all the things he was expecting John to say, that wasn't one of them and he just couldn't wrap his mind around it.
"I..."
"No just listen," John interrupted in that 'listen to me if you want to get out of this alive' voice of his. "When you first came to Atlantis, you didn't know how to protect yourself for shit. You could hardly fire a gun, let alone think your way out of a difficult situation while under enemy fire. I realize that it's not the same thing but...the truth of it is, you survived in enemy territory for months and I doubt that I could have done the same. It's something that I just...I wanted you to know that I admire you. For how you coped with everything."
Rodney realized as he watched John shift uncomfortably exactly why he had fallen in love with him. After all the confusion and the emotional turmoil of the last couple of weeks, Rodney's world slowly righted itself.
In the overwhelming rush of warmth that John's words created within him, Rodney forgot himself, and where they were. Leaning forward, he pressed his mouth to John's without an ounce of hesitation.
His eyes were closed, but he didn't need to see the look of shocked horror on Johns face. He needed to show this man exactly how much he meant to Rodney, and it was the only way he knew how.
For a long moment, he lost himself in the soft, slightly chapped lips beneath his own. The heat of John seeped into him, chasing a chill away that had lingered within him for a long time.
John was frozen beneath his chaste kiss, not moving, not pulling away, but standing still and stiff as if he was waiting for it to be over.
Not letting himself linger on the possible consequence of his actions, Rodney pulled back so that they were face to face again and for once he wasn't afraid to look John in the eye, despite the blank look he saw there.
"It was you," he said quietly, his voice rougher than he would have liked. "All I could think about while I was there was Atlantis and you. Even though I had mostly given up hope of ever being found, some part of me must have known that you would come. Sometimes I think that's the only reason I'm still sane now."
A small, bitter smile appeared without him meaning it to. "Although I think that might be in question right now. It's just...something that I wanted you to know. You're a good man, John Sheppard, no matter what you may believe about yourself."
He would have stepped back then, just turned and walked away so he could bury himself in his room and spend the night kicking himself for doing something so monumentally stupid, but for a second he couldn't bring himself to move away from the warmth he could feel emanating for John.
Eventually though, he couldn't stay any longer without it getting awkward and uncomfortable, so he took a step back and that was when John's hands shot out and grabbed his biceps painfully before yanking him forward.
For a breathtaking second, he thought John was going to hurt him, but instead he found himself wrapped in a tight embrace for a second before John's hot, wet mouth was devouring his own fiercely and possessively, plundering mercilessly and taking everything he could get.
Rodney was swept along in a shocked wave of pleasure, responding to every sweep of his tongue. He was vaguely aware of burying one hand in John's hair and holding on tightly with the other, of John's lean, hard body pressing against his own.
John dominated the kiss, turning it deep, wet and dirty and leaving Rodney breathless and turning him into a quivering mass of pleasure and want, unable to quell the small moan that escaped his throat. He had wanted John for such a long time, and he had suffered under his secret burden and to have John finally fulfilling his every wish in such an unexpected way had him pressing even more tightly against him for fear of losing him so soon. He wished he could crawl underneath John's skin so he could be cocooned there, safe and warm for the rest of time.
Sadly though, that was impossible and eventually, John gentled the kiss and pulled away, though he didn't release Rodney from his arms. Instead, he studied Rodney for a few long minutes before he lowered his head and pressed his forehead into Rodney's shoulder.
"You know this is a bad idea right?" John asked after a long time of silence, his voice gravelly. "I can't...It wouldn't be right of me to..."
"It's okay," Rodney whispered his voice steady although his throat was so tight with longing and sadness. He knew he couldn't have John, and he had never allowed himself the illusion that he would be able to. This would only be a treasured memory, standing under the stars on Earth and kissing the breath out of John.
"I never expected anything from it."
John did pull away a bit at that, though he didn't release Rodney entirely. There was a frown on his face.
"Rodney...It's not because I value my career more than you, you know that right?"
"Of course I do!" Rodney managed a small smile for John's benefit. "I understand. And I won't tell anyone, you have my word."
John exhaled a weary, defeated sound that Rodney hated on principle. "And you know that I...that I care about you, right?"
"After the way you just kissed me?" Rodney managed a real smile at that. "I'd have to be stupid not to. And I think we both know that I'm not."
John smiled a little at that then sobered and he raised a hand and trailed his fingers over Rodney's cheek, his eyes a little sad and wistful.
"I just wish..."
"I know." Rodney reached up and captured John's hand in his own. He ran his fingers over the long, tapered lengths of his finger, feeling the blunt, short nails and the hard calluses that came from years of military training and flying. He focused his eyes on looking at those graceful, deadly hands so John wouldn't see the tears in his own.
He wasn't so successful it seemed.
"I hate it when you get that look in your eyes," John whispered touching his forehead to Rodney's, who still couldn't look at him.
"What look?" Rodney managed, though it felt like he was going to stop breathing from the tightness in his throat.
"That look right there. I hate seeing you so sad and depressed and knowing that it's because of me. That's it, isn't it? That's what's been bothering you this past couple of days."
Rodney silently cursed John for being so perceptive and closed his eyes. John's arms tightened around him minutely.
"It'll get better," he murmured quietly, marveling at the strange blend of sadness and peace that had wrapped around them.
"Because it's so easy to get over someone just like that," John scoffed quietly.
There was nothing either of them could day to that so they just stood there silently, allowing themselves just a few more sacred minutes to be able to hold the other.
The corridors around him were unfamiliar, white and featureless, so very different from the muted beauty of those that ran through Atlantis that it gave him a gnawing sense of dread. His feet were bare and he was dressed in plain white hospital scrubs that matched his surroundings perfectly..
Fear made him want to move, to get away from the strange place he was stranded in, so he did just that, jogging along the long corridors with a heart that was racing with fear.
There were no windows or doors that he could see, just sharp corners and long hallways that had no destination and no purpose. There was no way out.
He picked up the pace, running as fast as he could as the panic started to set in.
He was trapped.
Skidding around a corner, he stumbled to a halt when he saw the door at the end of the long corridor. Seconds later, he was racing towards it, his breath sobbing in his chest and his heart thudding loudly in his ears.
He practically slammed into the door in his desperation to get it open and after a few seconds of scrabbling he managed to force fingers frozen with fear around the handle. The door opened silently before him and he stepped into a nightmare.
The people in white were there again, their faces covered in masks, and their eyes hidden by dark glasses. The room was some kind of operating room, with a bed and trays lined with gleaming equipment. An overhead light filled the room with an almost blinding, harsh light. There was some kind of mirror along one wall, but some instinct told him that it was a one way window. There were people behind that window, he knew, watching as they always did, impassive as they always were.
His throat was tight and his muscles were frozen, but he staggered back the way he had come. When he turned around though, there was no longer a door there.
He was trapped.
Whirling around again and keeping his back to the wall, he saw that the masked people hadn't turned around. They were working on something. No, not something, he realized as his dread solidified into a horrible knot in his stomach, someone.
Falling to his knees, he gave in to the urge that had been threatening for a while and retched painfully. Except that he hadn't eaten anything, so he dry retched for horrible, endless minutes until he was left on the floor feeling weak and light headed.
But he needed to see. He knew that it was him on that operating table, with his insides displayed for the world to see. He knew what they were doing, what they were implanting in him and he had to stop it while he could. He couldn't let them change him, let them get their sick kicks from fucking around with his insides and messing around with the way mother-nature intended him to be.
Staggering to his feet, he lurches towards them, valiantly trying to keep on his feet. He crashed into one of the instrument trays and knocked it over. The noise was deafening in the huge room, echoing off the walls and bouncing back to overwhelm his senses.
Somehow, he stayed on his feet and moved forward once more. He knees almost gave out on him when he came in sight of the table but he clung to a nearby IV pole and managed to stay upright.
All of a sudden, he wanted to throw up again. Because the person on the table wasn't him.
It was John Sheppard.
His dead eyes stared sightlessly towards the ceiling and his skin had taken on the color of the dead. He was naked, but the masked figures had cut open his torso and all he could see as he stared on with a sickening horror was his organs gleaming in the harsh, artificial light.
John was an experiment.
John was dead...
Rodney woke up screaming. Fear clogged his chest and he couldn't breathe. His heart was racing and his chest was tight and he was shaking uncontrollably. He sobbed for air, aware of the tears that were running down his face. All he could see was John's dead eyes staring back at him.
There were thudding feet in the hallway outside and then his door burst open, banging from the wall as a bright, golden light flooded his room.
Jeannie, John and Caleb all crowded in the doorway and Rodney stared at them helplessly, even as his heart rate began to slow back down and he started to breathe a little easier.
After a moment, John seemed to shake himself and he turned to Jeannie who had just started forward, worry in her eyes. Caleb disappeared down the hallway at the sound of Madison calling out from her room, but Rodney only had eyes for John.
The Colonel had caught his sister's arm gently.
"Its okay, Jeannie," he caught the softly spoken words with surprising ease, despite the fear and adrenaline still flowing through his veins. "I'll handle this."
"But..."
"No, really. He's had nightmares for awhile now. I'll stay with him," John insisted gently, turning her back towards the door. "You just go and see to Caleb and Madison. I'll make sure he's okay."
And then they are alone. John moved around the room, closing the door quietly and turning on one of the lights beside the bed before turning the main one off.
Rodney just sat where he was, tangled in the sweat soaked sheets and trying to reassure himself that he was safe, that the people of his nightmares were millions of light years away in another galaxy and that John was really alive, in the same room with him and breathing. All of a sudden he is overwhelmed by such a potent, pure rage that his fists clench in the sheets and he wants to destroy something, to hurt someone just as he was hurting.
When John finally lay down on the bed beside him, the rage drained away, leaving him feeling sad and scared once more. He didn't fight when John reached up and pulled him gently down. He settled into his embrace without an ounce of worry, clutching at the worn shirt he was wearing with a sudden desperation.
Curled up against John's side, with his face buried in his chest and those strong arms wrapped around him, he felt himself start to relax.
John was alive. He wasn't dead, lying on some slab somewhere with his insides on display. It wasn't aliens that had cut him open, it had been people, real, live people and that was what scared him the most.
He made a small, involuntary whimper as he thought about that, and John's arms tightened around him, one of his hands rubbing across his shoulders soothingly.
"Hey." John's voice was roughened with sleep and it made Rodney shiver to hear it. John, mistakenly thinking had he was cold pulled the covers around them a little tighter.
"It's okay. It was just a nightmare. You're okay. You know where we are right?"
Rodney nodded miserably, not lifting his head. "Earth."
"That's right. There's no way they can get you here. You're safe."
Rodney wrapped his other arm around John's waist and pressed against him more tightly. He felt cold all the way to his bones, and despite the wonderful, spicy warmth of John, it did nothing to banish the fear in his heart or his mind.
If it were possible, Rodney would make it so that the fuzzy memories of those long, lonely months were sucked from his mind. Maybe then he could live in peace, without the fear that everything that had happened since was some virtual reality. Sometimes he imagined that his body really way stuck back at that place and the rescue, John, Atlantis was all just some new fucked up mind trick they had invented to test him with. It wasn't completely impossible either, he knew that.
"Rodney. Hey Rodney," John's voice broke into his dark thoughts and he looked up in surprise. "Stay with me here buddy. Stop thinking about it for now."
Rodney shut his eyes and leaned his forehead against John's chest.
"You don't understand," he mumbled thinly. "I can't...I can't just stop thinking about it. It's always there, like some black cloud that hangs over my head. I can't close my eyes without being taken back to that...to that nightmare and sometimes...I just wish that I could..."
He forced his mouth shut against the stream of words that were clamoring for freedom as another shiver of intense fear shook his body.
"Tell me what you need, Rodney." John replied, his voice steady and strong.
Rodney looked up at him once more, searching his face for some sign that this was just another twist to the nightmare.
But all he saw was John's beautiful face looking back at him. The lamp light accentuated his fine features, high lighting his straight nose, the curve of his cheek and the fullness of his lips. One eye was cast into shadow but the one that he could see was a clear, bright green, full of a calm, steady warmth that he had never seen there again.
And just like that, the fear faded into the back ground and was replaced by a wonderful sense of relief. He really was safe, and John was holding him like a shield against all monsters imagined and real that he could ever fear.
"Tell me," John said again.
Rodney laid his head back down on John's chest, pressing his ear against the hard muscle beneath the shirt and listening to the steady thump-thump of his head. He closed his eyes when a heavy hand came to rest on his hair.
"I need you," was what he whispered eventually, his throat tight with gratitude and relief for having John near him.
"Well I'm right here, Rodney," John murmured, stroking a hand over his hair.
When the last of the fear had left him, he realized that he was tired. The beat of John's heart lulled him into a light doze and he was vaguely aware of John moving around before there was a quiet click of the lamp turning off.
Sleep claimed him quickly after that, and he drifted on waves of gentle sleep that were unbothered by dreams.
Rodney slept fitfully that night, waking randomly for no reason at all but soon falling back asleep. John's constant presence and physical contact kept the nightmares at bay and kept his sleep blissfully dreamless. Every time he woke up, he was anchored firmly within John's arms, warmed by the blasting body heat that the man produced.
It was enough.
TBC