CHAPTER ELEVEN: Live for Today


Do your memories haunt your dreams
Do they simply seem to have a mind of their own
Tell me what the emptiness brings
When everything you know is everything but gone
Tell me who will save you

When it's over by 3 doors down

Time had a funny way of being deceptive to Rodney. Weeks could pass in what seemed like mere minutes when he was content, but when he was unhappy each day seemed to drag on for an eternity which was probably why the majority of the memories he possessed always had some note of negativity. His life was like a series of unpleasant snap shots and no matter how hard he worked or what he accomplished, those unhappy memories were never too far away.

Once he had some time to think about what had taken place between himself and John, he realized just how royally screwed he was. John couldn't act on his feelings, because he would lose everything he had worked his ass off to defend and protect, and if he got reassigned or god forbid, court marshaled, then he would probably never see Rodney again. And Rodney wasn't about to be the cause of John losing everything he held dear.

So he found himself descending back into a gloomy disposition over the remaining days of his time off. Jeannie and John tried to give him space and keep his spirits ups, but Rodney found himself once more struggling under the weight of everything that had happened to him. It seemed that no matter where he was, the same problems plagued him and the same emotional scars still haunted him. He came to the conclusion that it would be best if he returned to Atlantis with John, where people could help him, if not fully understand the extent of his trauma.

And Rodney knew that it was only a matter of time before he would not longer be able to conceal his not so little problem any longer. There was no point in avoiding it; he needed to figure out what he was going to do about it and soon, before it became too late to actually do anything.

He had already made up his mind to tell John about it. If anything, John was always a cool and collected mind that he could count on to come up with a logical solution to anything. But what he really feared was that John wouldn't see him in the same way. Would he still feel the same if or when Rodney became big with the unwanted child residing within his body?

How would he feel then?

Rodney himself couldn't help the revulsion and self loathing that he felt towards himself. How could someone like John, a good man who was ridiculously good looking to boot, have any sort of positive feelings to someone like Rodney, who had been altered to something repulsive? It wouldn't be long before John came to his senses about Rodney, and he dreaded that that day was closer that even he suspected.

On his second last day on Earth, Rodney slipped away to town, and bought some home pregnancy tests with shaking hands. He had thought about it for awhile, wondering if he should or shouldn't, if it would mean anything if he did and if it would change anything.

But as ever, his curiosity outweighed all else, and an hour later he found himself in his bathroom and staring at a negative result. He took the test two more times to be sure, and they all turned out the same. There was a fluttering of hope in the depths of his belly, but he refused to kindle it any further. Scientifically, he had doubts about the accuracy of the test based on the particulars of his situation. After all, it wasn't a normal pregnancy in the first place, and the odds of an ordinary pregnancy test turning out an accurate result were slim. But Rodney had an overwhelming desire to go running to Keller with the results.

Sighing, he threw the tests in the bin and turned away. There was nothing he could do about it on Earth. The only option left to him was Atlantis.

"You're coming back aren't you?" Jeannie asked him on the way to the airport.

John had left a couple of days earlier to go and visit his own family, and Rodney would have been blind not to see the hesitance in his friends eyes as they had said goodbye. But Rodney had made up his mind, with Jeannie standing behind him and giving him a shove in the right direction, and he still had his doubts but he knew that she was right (and wasn't that a kick in the pants to admit?).

Caleb and Madison had bid him goodbye at the house because Jeannie had insisted on driving him to the airport herself, no doubt because she wanted to lecture him in some way.

He hadn't been wrong on that account.

"You keep me updated okay? I want to hear everything that happens. Anything the doctors say, I want to know about. And if you need me all you have to do is ask and I'll be there."

Rodney nodded mutely next to her, knowing better than to interrupt her mid rant. She was like their mother in that respect; it was better to let her work off steam rather than interrupt and be subject to the sharpness of her tongue.

"And you tell John, okay? It won't be long until it starts getting….obvious and he'll be the one who will be the most help to you when you need it, you know that." Her hands were clenched on the steering wheel so hard that they were turning white.

He glanced quickly at her face, seeing that set to her mouth that said she was feeling vulnerable and uncertain. He hated seeing her like that, seeing any woman like that in fact because he never had a clue what to say to make it better, or to assuage her fears.

"I will," he mumbled, half to himself. "Promise."

She nodded and the rest of the ride passed in silence.

"So listen," she said as they stopped outside the terminal gate. "Madison would like both you and John back here for her birthday next year. I'd really like it if both of you could come."

He opened his mouth helplessly, unsure how to tell her that he wasn't even sure if he'd still be around then. Because the odds were stacked against him, and there was no way he was going to commit John to something that he might not want to go to.

"I can't guarantee anything…"

"Rodney." She said firmly, gripping his biceps as a hint of steel entered her voice. "I will see you soon. You have my word. Nothing is going to happen to you, I'm sure of it."

He managed a weak smile, shaken by the amount of faith she had in him.

"I'd uh…I'd really like it if you could visit me sometime," he said awkwardly. "Do you think…Do you think that's something you could see yourself doing?"

And she grinned at him, that wide beaming smile the same one he had seen so often when they were children. It made his heart ache anew with forgotten memories and long lost emotions that he had thought gone forever.

"You think I'd miss the chance to see Atlantis again? You're crazy!"

Stepping back through the wormhole was both a relief and a worry, Rodney thought as he looked around the bustling gate room. On Atlantis, he was an expedition member of a top secret operation that hardly anyone back on Earth knew about. He was a carrier of the Big Secret, privy to information that most people could only dream about possessing. Once, he had felt like he finally belonged to something, and not only was it something it was a big something.

All that had changed. Sure, he was still a part of that big something. But he also had a biggger Something of his own to hide again. And just like that, he was on his own again and he no longer belonged to a collective.

Sam trotted down the stairs to greet him, a warm smile on her face.

"Welcome back Rodney."

"Good to be back. Have I missed anything interesting?" He asked, still looking around and drinking in the familiar sights around him.

"You could say that. Colonel Sheppard arrived back yesterday. Why don't you go get settled in and check in with Doctor Keller? There's a briefing scheduled this afternoon for both you and Colonel Sheppard to get you up to date with everything."

Rodney nodded and mentally braced himself for settling back into the old routine.

"Sounds good," he managed at last.

But despite his doubts, a small voice within him sighed and whispered 'home'…

Rodney knew what he was doing was stupid.

Normally he wasn't a stupid man, but he was desperate for some normalcy back in his life. He and Sheppard had somehow come to some unspoken agreement not to speak to each other, despite sharing living quarters again for the last week since their arrival back on Atlantis. Rodney had discovered that John was very good at avoiding things that he wasn't ready to face, and he had tried not to feel hurt and rejected.

The storm of emotions that John was the cause of had him feeling snappish and defensive.

Going on the mission would probably bite him on the ass, especially when Keller found out that he had gone without her approval. She had been off world treating an illness on one of their allied planets, and he hadn't seen her since he had returned. Seeing as she was the only one who knew about his condition, and she obviously hadn't told Sam yet, no one else had found any reason to ban him from the mission.

He was desperate for things to go back to the way they had been, before he had been taken. Back when things had been simpler and his life hadn't been one tangled mess of disaster.

"Simple meet and greet folks," John said as the event horizon closed behind them. They found themselves on an open grass plane, a never ending stretch of golden grass waving in the breeze. The sky above them was a brilliant, endless blue that made something within Rodney relax considerably. Suddenly, he could breathe again.

Ronon shifted restlessly beside him.

"There does not seem to be any signs of life," Teyla commented, looking around.

"No cover either," Ronon muttered.

He frowned at his scanner.

"Rodney?" John questions from in front of him.

"Considerable energy readings from that direction," he replied after a pause, gesturing to the west. "Looks like a civilization of some kind."

"Well, let's start walking then. Teyla, you take point," John said.

And so they started walking, with Ronon behind them and Teyla in front. John was walking beside Rodney, and for once he couldn't find it within himself to let John know just how unhappy he was with the situation between them.

The fact that John had been actively avoiding him for the past week hurt more than it should have, and dwelling on it hadn't bought any relief to him yet. Rodney figured that eventually, John would pull his act together and get over whatever it was that was bothering him. He just had to be patient enough, not something that had ever been easy for him.

"Everything okay so far, Mckay?" John asked quietly.

Rodney glanced at him for a second before looking back at his scanner, trying to concentrate on deciphering the readings he was picking up.

"Everything's fine," he murmured in response.

There was a pregnant pause for a moment that Rodney tried to ignore. John was obviously trying to work something out in his mind, and who was Rodney to demand anything from him? If anything, he was painfully aware that he was in John's dept for many things, least of all causing him so much trouble when it came to their rocky relationship.

"Look," John breathed after a little while. "I realize that I've been...neglecting you this week but there's been some things that I need to..."

"Neglecting me?" Rodney looked up at him critically. "I'm not some child that needs looking after, Colonel. I'm perfectly capable of..."

"I'm not looking for a fight, Rodney," John said calmly, and damn those sun glasses of his. Rodney would give anything to see his eyes right then. Rodney prided himself at his ability to glean some grasp of what he was feeling just from looking in his eyes.

"There are some things we need to discuss, and nows not the time. I just wanted to apologize and let you know that I know we need to talk about...this. So...just sit tight for a little bit longer and we'll figure it out."

Figure what out, Rodney wanted to scream, but he reigned in his frustration and managed a tight nod.

"Fine. Just say the word and I'll be there," he muttered before going back to his scanner.

There was an almost inaudible sigh from John, and then nothing else for awhile. He drifted away, towards Teyla and exchanged a few words with her, but apart from that not much was said.

It was a long walk, and after a couple of hours, Rodney started to wish that they had bought a jumper at least. He didn't complain though, because he was too busy stewing in his own juices, fuming at the infuriating situation that had cropped up between him and John. Turned out that things were never going to be simple again, he realized.

His own anger and frustration was tiring though, and another hour later and he was visibly lagging. He cursed his own weakness and his limitations, and the stupid pregnancy that was sapping his stamina like a vampire. He felt the uncontrollable urge to cry.

If the others noticed him lagging or his unusual silence, no one commented. Teyla dropped back to walk with him, keeping him company, and commenting every now and then on little clusters of flowers that were nestled amongst the golden stalks of grass.

John was talking to Ronon up ahead, and he was grateful for Teyla's calm companionship and her efforts to keep him going.

Gradually, as it grew closer to midday, the landscape started to change. A tree would appear every now and then, becoming more and more abundant as they walked. It wasn't long before they found themselves at the outskirts of a forest of towering trees. Pine needles littered the floor, and there was little undergrowth, making the walk a little less horrific.

John called a halt for a short break then.

"How far have we got to go, Mckay?" he asked, sitting on a small rock and pulling out his water bottle.

"About another mile and a half," he replied, as he pulled off his pack and sat down at the base of a tree. He was more exhausted than he should have been. Maybe it was something he needed to talk to Keller about. After she got over being furious at him, of course.

"Another hour then maybe," John mused, squinting at the sky.

He pulled out a power bar and tiredly began to eat it, alternating between taking sips of water. He desperately wanted to have a nap, his body was screaming out for it and usually he wouldn't deny the urge, but he had appearances to keep up and he was starting to regret his decision to join this mission.

He leaned his head back against the tree trunk and closed his eyes. He was a little too warm with his tack vest on, but he wasn't wearing a jacket underneath it so at least he wasn't as hot as he would have been.

"Rodney?" Teyla was crouched down beside him.

He opened his eyes blurrily and looked around, blinking.

John was standing over at the edge of their small clearing, talking quietly to Ronon. He looked back at Teyla, into her smiling face and warm eyes.

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice a little rough. He must have fallen asleep. His eyes felt gritty and his head was throbbing. In fact, he was feeling a little queasy.

"You fell asleep I think," he replied. "Are you feeling okay? You seem very tired."

"I'm fine," he muttered, Even though he was really starting to feel unwell.

'Not now,' he silently begged as he felt the familiar urge to be sick rising. 'Please not now, not here!'
"Haven't been sleeping well, that's all," he managed, gritting his teeth.

"Are you sure? Colonel Sheppard seems...worried about you."

"It's nothing, really."

It was then, of course, that he had to roll to his knees, turning to the side at the last moment before he lost the meager contents of his stomach violently. A hot flush rolled through his body as he coughed weakly.

Teyla was beside him, rubbing his back and murmured quietly in the native Athosian language. He became aware of John crouching nearby and Ronon standing above them all, looking around.

"Rodney? What's wrong?" John demanded in a tight voice. "Teyla, do you think you can get back to the gate and get help?"

"Of course. Do you think he'll be..."

"I'm fine," Rodney gasped, collapsing back against his tree once more. His stomach muscles were aching, and his throat burned, but he was feeling a little better, even if his vision was still swaying gently. "I'm okay."

"Rodney, you were just sick. Maybe you've got a stomach illness or..." Teyla pointed out gently, pressing her water bottle into his hands.

He took a grateful sip, and spat it out to the side before taking a long drink.

"It's not," he told her, as he handed her back the bottle. He kept his eyes down, even as Teyla handed him a damp cloth to wipe his face with. This wasn't how he wanted them to find out, but then, he had been stupid to take such a risk.

They were bound to find out eventually anyway. John was going to be furious, he realized with a heavy heart.

His throat was closing up with emotions, and a hot, tight ball of shame clenched his chest.

"I'm not sick." he said quietly.

"You were just vomiting, Rodney!" John replied. "Unless...you know what's wrong with you?"

Rodney nodded mutely, not looking at him. He stared instead at his hands in his lap.

"You knew something was wrong with you and you came on this mission regardless? Without telling me?" John asked hotly. "When we go on missions I'm the one responsible for you, Rodney! I'm the one who looks after the team, and how am I supposed to do that when you don't tell me things?"

"John," Teyla interrupted before Rodney could say anything in his defense. "Perhaps this is not the time to speak of this matter. We still need to..."

"I am well aware of what we need to do thank you Teyla," John snapped, not taking his eyes from Rodney. "We are not moving another step until I know what's going on with you, Mckay."

Rodney swallowed roughly, glancing up at him. He could feel his panic rising, recognized the jittery feeling in his stomach as a potent combination of fear and nervousness. His hands were trembling in his lap and he swallowed again.

He had faced down Wraith and Replicators, nano viruses, and an astonishing variety of danger and yet the very thought of having John turn away from him in revulsion and disappointment had him on the verge of breaking down.

"I...I don't know...I can't..." he stammered, finding it hard to breathe.

Teyla slid an arm around his shoulders and rested her forehead against his temple.

"Deep breaths Rodney. It's okay."

"Rodney..." John said again, a hint of steel and danger in his voice.

"It's just...I don't know how to..."

"Find a way, Rodney, or we're not going anywhere today."

He took a deep breath like Teyla had said and closed his eyes.

"You remember the...device that they put in me?"

"Yeah. What about it?" John asked, a hint of worry entering his voice. "Is it...is it doing something funny again? Should we..."

"No John," Rodney interrupted him, shaking his head. He felt a little bit calmer, with Teyla beside him, her steady strength and silent encouragement giving him the boost that he needed. There was no getting out of it, he realized. There was no avoiding it. It was really happening to him, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

He was having a baby.

"The device...It did something to me while I was sick and now...now I'm..." he took another breath."Now I'm...there's a fetus. In the...womb."

There was dead silence for a few long minutes.

"Rodney..." it was Teyla who spoke slowly."Surely you're not suggesting that you're...pregnant?"

"That's what Keller says, at least," he said, trying not to let his bitterness show. "I've had a hard time...believing it myself. I'm not...That's why I was sick. I've been getting...morning sickness? For a few weeks now."

"This is...you're serious?" John said, incredulously. "You're actually serious."

John ran a hand over his jaw and turned away, his eyes going distant as he took a few steps away.

"This is...Jesus Christ."

John was crouching now, his head lowered.

A stab of pain in his chest took Rodney by surprise. He wondered sadly, if John was feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of what they had shared that night on the jetty.

Ronon was impassive above him, not saying or doing anything, not moving a muscle. No emotion on his face whatsoever.

Teyla lowered her head to his shoulder.

"Rodney...this is...very unexpected," she murmured. "But apart from that you're healthy?"

He nodded silently, his eyes on John, who hadn't moved from his crouching position.

"They don't..." he paused to clear his throat, looking back down at the cloth in his hands."Keller doesn't know what's going to happen. She seems to think that there's a high probability that it will...terminate naturally because things like this don't just...happen as normal. It's...unnatural."

"So what do we do now?" Ronon asked John's still figure.

There was a deep exhale from John, and after another moment he stood up and turned back to eye Rodney warily.

"Are you able to go on? Do we need to go back to Atlantis?" he asked, his expression blank and the tone of his voice not giving anything away.

"No. I'm okay. I can keep going for as long as I have to. There's no need to scrap the mission," Rodney said quickly, depressed by him own over eagerness to get back into John's good graces.

"Okay. Let's get this over with then get the hell out of here." John said. "You say something if you need to stop."

Rodney nodded gratefully and let Teyla help him up. Ronon took point, and John jerked his head at Teyla, indicating that she should follow him. Rodney swallowed nervously as John just looked at him for a moment longer.

"Rodney I'm...I can't even begin to tell you just how angry I am with you right now," John told him through gritted teeth. "You and I are going to have a long chat about this later tonight, believe you me. Until then, I want you to stay by my side at all times. You got that?"

Rodney nodded mutely.

"I asked if you understood me?"

"Yes John. I understand," Rodney said quietly.

"Good. If you feel sick again, say something. I'm still the team leader and I'm still responsible for what happens to you." He shot Rodney another look, and there was no mistaking the naked fury in his eyes. "Get moving."

Rodney nodded and fell in step slightly behind John, resigning himself to a long and unpleasant journey to the settlement.

It was nearing three in Atlantis time when they came to the brink of a canyon. Stretching out before them were three large waterfalls, and nestled down in the valley was a vast. Soaring spires, towers and buildings glistened in the late afternoon sun. There were even buildings, Rodney noticed in surprise, intertwined with the huge, ancient trees and vegetation as well as buildings incorporated into the very sides of the canyon itself. Roads, bridges and lakes were just visible from their vantage point.

Across from them, on the edge of the other side of the canyon stood several clusters of buildings spread out along the lip as far as the eye could see, and beyond that, endless stretches of cultivated fields, full of unidentifiable crops.

Rodney drooped in relief at the prospect of rest. He was exhausted; while he hadn't been ill again on the remainder of the journey, the tense silence that existed within the team had taken a toll on his emotional and physical well being.

"Teyla?" John questioned, not taking his eyes from the sight before them.

"I have never seen the like, John," Teyla informed them quietly. "Though I have heard word of the people who dwell here, I had no idea that their city would be so..."

"Advanced?" Rodney supplied dully.

She glanced at him, and smiled briefly. "Yes, advanced," she finished.

"And the people?" John asked impassively.

"Are very friendly and open to trade, though not many know the gate address of this world," she replied. "I believe we will find out if they are willing to trade in a few moments."

They looked where she indicated. A group of people were coming towards them, dressed in soft blues and greens. There were soldiers in red uniforms that carried knives on their belts and some sort of strange guns.

"Welcome, strangers. May we enquire as to the business you have here on our land?" an older man asked. His jewel blue robe was immaculate, his white beard and hair trimmed neatly. His blue eyes were bright and intelligent, and Rodney relaxed slightly from his position behind John. At least they weren't looking for a fight just yet. But knowing their luck, things could rapidly deteriorate in seconds.

"Greetings," Teyla spoke up with a polite bow of her head. "We are travelers from a distant world. We would like to negotiate a trade between our peoples, and seek shelter for the night. We have come a long way."

The man nodded as he looked them over.

"I have heard much of your people. We look forward to learning more of where you come from."

"May we ask what you have heard about us?" Teyla inquired curiously.

"There are many rumors and tales around of a new race of people occupying the ancient city of Atlantis. We have been hoping to make contact with you, for we are always looking for new trading partners," he inclined his head slightly. "My name is Manus. I am the Chief Ambassador of our people. Please, be welcome in our city and may you find peace within our protection."

"Thank you, Ambassador Manus. My name is Teyla, and this is Colonel Sheppard, Doctor Mckay, our head of Science and Engineering and Specialist Ronon Dex."

"It is my pleasure to meet you. If you would come with me we will provide you with sustenance and a place to rest and when the dawn breaks tomorrow we will begin negotiations for trade." Manus replied with a pleased smile. "Please, this way."

Rodney fell in behind John, who was talking to Manus. He blocked out the conversations around him and was concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Exhaustion pulled at his body and dulled his mind, and each step he took was more of an effort than he cared to admit. Forget niceties and manners, all he had the energy for was keeping upright and moving forward.

"Excuse me sir. You are Doctor Mckay, are you not?" the words were accompanied by a soft touch on his elbow.

He looked up. An old man was walking next to him; his short ponytail was snowy white and his face was clean shaven. Warm, kindly brown eyes twinkled at him out of a face lined with age. He was tall and thin, but he didn't look frail at all. His willowy frame moved with the ease of a young man, unhindered by the problems that old age often bought with it.

"My name is Leander. I am a scholar for our people and it would be my honor to speak with you, should you wish. I believe there is much we can learn from one another.

"Leander, is it?"

The old man nodded and Rodney managed a strained smile.

"I would like that."

"I'm pleased to hear it. But you are tired from your journey, I see. Perhaps I can offer you a place to rest at my residence, if that is agreeable. It is a custom of our people to accommodate visitors in our own homes."

"That would be...appreciated. You have no idea how..." he stumbled a little, only to be steadied by his new acquaintance.

"I see that you seem...unwell, Doctor Mckay. Perhaps there is something I can do to ease your suffering as well." Leander smiled at him gently, and Rodney looked at him for a long moment, a thread of unease working its way through his mind.

"Rodney," John's voice broke into his thoughts. "Everything okay?"

He nodded, tearing his eyes away from Leander. He turned his attention back to the paved path that wound its way down the edge of the canyon. Leander didn't speak to him again on their journey, but Rodney was too busy juggling his exhaustion and his curiosity about the new city before them.

There were wonderfully fashioned buildings carved out of wood intermingled with newer buildings made of some material that Rodney didn't know. The waterfalls fell into deep pools and rushed away in rivers that wound their way throughout the city in huge canals. It was reminiscent of Venice with a hint of Atlantian architecture. They were obviously an advanced people, and for once Rodney was pleased not to be dealing with a primitive population.

"Our people pride ourselves on our culture and our history," Leander murmured from beside him as they were led down a wide street. "While the Wraith have taken much from us and caused much misery, we believe in moving forward and learning from the past. That's part of my job. I'm part of the Research and Development Academy."

"You're responsible for creating new technology then?"

"My team and I, yes. We are always looking for new peoples to learn from. Looking at you, I see that your people are very different from our own. I look forward to learning from you."

"Same here."

Manus stopped at the stairs of a huge hall made from sandstone and wood.

"My people would be happy to accommodate you in our homes. Please, Leander will see that you are comfortable. Tomorrow we will show you a little of our city and begin the negotiations. Rest well, friends."

The rest of their small party left them and the team was alone with Leander.

"Is it usual for your people to be so...welcoming to strangers, Leander?" John asked, looking around.

Rodney could tell that he was tense and suspicious of the warm reception that they had received. Rodney couldn't blame him; while Leander seemed pleasant enough, it did seem odd that they hadn't been checked over by the soldiers that had accompanied them. It could be that their hosts didn't know that their weapons were weapons, but that would be a little stupid, to Rodney's mind.

But then, he had always been a little too pessimistic for his own good.

"We are well aware of your intentions, Colonel Sheppard," Leander smiled at him. "We have people guarding our forests from outsiders. Had they perceived you to be a threat you would have not made it this far."

Rodney felt the color drain from his face, and he swayed a little. Someone had heard that conversation in the forest. They must know about him, and what would happen if they did? Would they hold him captive and experiment on him? He felt the urge to run, but he was too weak, too tired.

Teyla slipped an arm beneath him, and turned to Leander was a small smile.

"Please. Our friend is not well. Is there somewhere he can rest?"

"Of course. This way, if you please."

Rodney felt John fall in step beside him but even his presence couldn't warm the cold that had wrapped around his heart.

Rodney didn't remember much of the trip to Leander's residence, but he was aware enough to know that when they finally arrived both Sheppard and Teyla were supporting most of his weight. Leander showed them to a room and the next thing he knew John was helping him out of his tack vest and taking off his boots, his trousers and his shirt. Then there softness of the sheets and blankets that John covered him with, pillows that felt like heaven to his tired head and a soft touch to his hair before he fell deeply into a dreamless sleep.

TBC

A/N: It's been such a long time since I updated this story, and I'm so sorry to those of you who were waiting so patiently! Life and writer's block got in the way, but I'm already working on the next chapter so the wait shouldn't be too long!

I hope you enjoyed this, and please let me know your thoughts and feelings!