CHAPTER TWELVE – Barricades and Brick Walls.
I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself
Stand Still, Look pretty by The Wreckers
A door closing softly in the background woke Rodney from the deep sleep of the exhausted. Soft, pre-dawn light filtered in through gauzy curtains, and the sweet perfume of flowers wafted in from open doors.
For a few, peaceful minutes, Rodney lay there and stared at the ceiling, reveling in the comfort of a comfortable mattress and warm blankets. He felt rested for once, as if the perpetual feeling of tired, gritty eyes that had been his life since Pegasus had finally been banished.
It had been awhile since he had felt so relaxed, and it was funny that it should happen off world. For a change, he felt calm and at peace with himself. God knew it wouldn't last long, but it was good to enjoy the sensation for awhile.
But there were disgruntled team mates to face and a trade negotiation to hash out. He couldn't forget the horrible trek and the consequences of his confession, but it was no longer eating at him as it had the previous day.
He swung his legs over the edge of the low bed that he had been sleeping in and looked around. It was definitely a luxurious room. The bed sat on a raised platform to one side of the room. There was a low lying table beneath the open windows, with cushions to sit on and an open hearth fireplace. A cushioned bench ran along the wall near the door, and it was there that his pack had been placed.
Stretching his stiff muscles with a grimace, he got up and padded across the floor in search of clean clothes.
He'd washed his face and was just pulling on a shirt when there was a soft knock on his door.
"Are you decent, Rodney?"
It was John.
Gulping down the sudden nervousness in his gut, he fumbled open the door and stepped back to let him in.
"You're certainly looking better," John commented, eying him as he closed the door.
"I'm feeling much better," Rodney replied sheepishly.
"Have you eaten yet?" John asked casually, wandering over to the table. It was laden with food - fruits, bread and fresh juice had been laid out there, he noticed.
Shaking his head at his lack of observation skills so early in the morning, he joined John at the table and carefully seated himself. John took a seat opposite him without comment. Rather self-consciously, Rodney helped himself to some fruits that he actually recognized (Teyla traded for them with some of their other allies) and a couple of pieces of still warm bread.
He had expected John to storm in, still furious from the day before, spouting words of anger and recrimination, so seeing John so pensive and quiet scared him a little. He sat across from Rodney, staring at the window and picking idly at a piece of fruit that was an odd cross between a grape and a lychee.
Rodney kept his peace as he ate, not wanting to invoke his anger until he absolutely had to. But in the end, his anxiety got the better of him.
"Look," he blurted eventually, staring at his hands as he tore a piece of bread apart. "I need to know what you want me to do. I can't....If you want me off the team then you'd better say so now so I can talk to Sam when we go back. I can't sit around wondering what you want from me. I'm really, really sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but there were so many things that I...."
"Rodney," John interrupted, leveling him a thoughtful look. "Take a breath."
Rodney nodded and did so before finally looking up at John.
"I really am sorry. I hope you can...forgive me one day."
"I believe you."
Rodney blinked in surprise. "You...you do?"
John nodded slowly, setting the fruit that he was rolling around in his hands down on his place, before he rested his hands on his thighs.
"I know how sorry you are. But I'm still very angry with you, Rodney. It wasn't just yourself that you put in danger by not telling me this. You know that don't you?"
"I know." Rodney bowed his head, not wanting to see the disappointment in his friend's eyes.
"When we go through that gate, we are responsible not only for our team mates, but for ourselves. I need to know when things like this happen. How am I supposed to protect you if I don't have all the facts?"
"I should have told you sooner," Rodney acknowledged. "It wasn't fair of me to put you in that position. I didn't mean...."
"It's not only that Rodney. If you couldn't come to me as your team leader, then you could have come to me as your friend. Did you think that I would shun you because of this?" John asked quietly. "It hurts me to think that you would have such a low opinion of me. Have I not proven that I'm trustworthy?"
"Of course you have!" Rodney blurted in desperation. "I just... I couldn't lose you because of this John. Not when...you know how much you mean to me and…I don't think I could do this without you. In fact, I don't think I can do this at all...."
"Rodney. I know you're scared. Hell, I'm scared too. But you need to start trusting other people again. Not everyone is an enemy. You were in captivity for a long time and I know how hard it is to trust people afterwards. Believe me, I know."
"But you need to talk to someone about what happened. If not me, then one of the doctors, or even Sam or Teyla. You can't just let it all build up, because when push comes to shove and we're in a difficult situation, you'll freeze up. You'll get yourself, or someone else killed, and I know you don't want that."
Rodney's face was wet from tears, and he swiped angrily at his cheeks with his forearm.
"Promise me that you will come to me in the future."
Rodney nodded. "I promise I'll try."
"Good enough," John said as he stood up.
Rodney watched as he skirted the table to sit next to him, and exhaled shakily when he reached out to wipe the tears gently from his face before pulling him in for a hug.
He buried his face in John's chest and closed his eyes, feeling safe and protected again. John smelled so amazing, clean and fresh and he was warm, his arms around Rodney strong and solid.
A chin rested on his head and his hair was ruffled by a soft exhale of warm, sweet air.
"When did everything get so complicated?" Rodney mumbled. "I still can't wrap my head around it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from."
John pulled back a little and Rodney straightened to look him in the eye. Those hazel green eyes were intent and searching on his face, and he shivered minutely, loving all that intensity focused solely on him.
"Surely it's not been all bad?"
Rodney smiled, feeling a bit calmer and more collected; it was one of the effects that John's presence had on him, and it still amazed him the level of trust he had placed in the man.
"No," he replied slowly. "It's not all been bad."
After all, somehow, he had an amazing man in his life, and if he had to go through all of the pain and misery again just to be by his side then he would. The fact that John didn't seem the least bit disgusted by his unexpected pregnancy had lifted an enormous weight off his shoulders, and Rodney could finally breathe a little easier.
It was just as Jeanie had said; if John was on his side then everything would be fine. Teyla and Ronon didn't seem to have a problem with him either, and maybe it was time that Rodney started leaning on the people that surrounded him, if only for a little while. On his friends.
The thought filled him with a warm feeling and he closed his eyes for a moment.
"Rodney? You okay?"
Sighing again, he leaned forward and touched his forehead to John's gently.
"I'm not sure. But I think I will be."
The statue was one of the most beautiful that he had ever seen, and he had seen a lot in his time. She was immaculate, frozen in pure white marble against the weather of time. Her face was turned to the sky, her long, curling hair tumbling down over bare shoulders. One of her arms was wrapped around her body protectively, the other outstretched before her towards the distant skies.
It was the expression on her back that had him enamored though. It spoke of a sad loneliness, deep fear and the blossoming of hope all in one.
She was beautiful.
"Her name is Amarnica," Leander spoke from behind him.
Rodney turned to face his host briefly before looking back up at her. The gardens surrounding Leander's home were beautifully landscaped, with trimmed bushes bearing fragrant white flowers, and strange, vines with exotic purple and blue flowers. White graveled paths wound their way unobtrusively throughout; around the small pond and waterfall, past the flower beds with their violent splashes of color, through the bushes and around the edges.
But it all centered around the large, white marble statue mounted on a pedestal in the very center of the garden.
"She's breath-taking," Rodney murmured in admiration.
And she certainly was, with the golden light of early morning casting her into a portrait of light and shadow. The sky was a brilliant blue; the air was cool and fresh and smelled of the delicate perfume of the flowers.
It was one of the moments when Rodney was ridiculously glad to be alive and free again. The combination of such natural beauty, and John's soothing presence had shifted things in perspective.
'One day at a time', he thought to himself. 'I think I can manage that.'
"She certainly is," the old man agreed as he came to stand beside him. For a minute they just stood there, studying her in silence.
"She was a great lady of our ancestors. A brave warrior who fought fiercely to protect the people she loved from the Wraith," Leander continued. "In the end, she died to fighting to her last breath. But not before she gifted us with a child of her noble blood line. This statue was created just after it was discovered that she was with child."
Rodney looked at her with a greater understanding, having heard that. He could empathize quite easily with her fears and her hope. Fear of the unknown was something that was difficult to conquer. Fighting scary space vampires for survival was one thing, but so was carrying and bearing a child, he had come to realize. He fought the instinctive urge to touch his stomach.
"She sounds like a brave woman," he said at last.
Leander smiled at him.
"As is anyone who carries a child."
Rodney felt a chill of apprehension at his words.
"I guess sometimes there isn't much choice when it comes to….that, in particular," he managed.
"Oh there is always a choice my friend," Leander said, watching him closely. "Even when it seems that there is none, there are always options and choices to be made. For example, you may choose the way you react to a certain situation. You could stand steady and face the problem head on. Or you could choose to hide your face away and live in denial until it is no longer possible to do so."
Rodney turned to face him fully.
"What do you know?"
Leander smiled at him, a warm, friendly smile that was disarming and open. Rodney wasn't sure if he could trust someone who was so positive about everything in general. Maybe it was the cynic in him, or maybe he was just getting more negative as he grew older.
"I know of the device that you carry within your body," Leander replied, reaching to touch his stomach fleetingly. "And I know of the gift that accompanies it."
"Gift?!" Rodney spat, backing away from him. "It is no gift! I was kidnapped and tortured against my will! I had no choices! No options! They took everything from me!!!"
Leander was calm in the face of his outburst, and that only served to make him angrier.
"Life is always a gift, no matter the shape or form, or the cause of it. I understand the ordeal that you suffered through. I know of what it is that you speak and I can help you if you'll allow it."
"How can you possibly know all of this?" he demanded. "Even if someone did overhear us in the forest, there is no way you could know about how I got this way. Now…whatever it is your people are planning for me you can forget about it because I'd rather die first than go back to living as a prisoner!"
"I can assure you that no one else knows of your secret, Doctor Mckay. I am the only one, and you can rest assured that it will stay that way. I have no intention of hurting you. Please, why don't we go inside and talk about this further?"
"I'm not going anywhere with you," Rodney declared moving further away. "You can forget about that right now. And if you touch me, I swear I'll scream so loud that Ronon and Teyla and John will hear from the courthouse over the other side of the city."
Leander raised his hands in an effort to placate him that failed miserably.
"I understand your fears, my friend. Perhaps if you'd allow me to explain exactly how it is that I came across this knowledge, you might be more…trusting in my character?" Leander offered unfazed by his anger or his threats.
"Fine. But you stay over there and as soon as you're done, I'm leaving. Understand?"
"I do indeed." Leander nodded agreeably.
Rodney glared at him and folded his arms tightly across his chest. He felt exposed and vulnerable before this old man, whose eyes held too much intelligence for his liking.
He was wearing a plain black t-shirt and BDU's but it felt like he was naked and trembling before him. All the layers of clothing in the world wouldn't be enough to make him feel comfortable.
And if there was one thing he hated the most in the world (besides a shortage of coffee and the stupidity that seemed to run rampant in the human race) it was feeling vulnerable. It made him angry and added to that the volatile emotions that his pregnancy stirred up within him, he felt a little dangerous and out of control, which was a violent contrast to the calm peacefulness that had flooded him not moments before.
"So talk. I'm listening," he snapped.
"As you wish," Leander bowed his head slightly. "I mentioned to you before that I am a scholar of my people, and whilst that is my primary function amongst my people, I am also a Seer. I have….visions, of the past, the present and the future."
When Rodney stared incredulously at the old man, Leander smiled and continued to talk.
"It is a gift of my ancestors," he explained, gesturing up at the statue towering above them. "Amarnica was a very distant relative of my family, but her bloodline remains true and strong within my veins. The members of my family have served as guides for our people, especially when there are Wraith involved."
"And this is how you know about me and what was done to me?" Rodney asked, disbelieving. Though he really shouldn't be so surprised; they had come into contact with people who could see the future before, even if it did go against every scientific bone in his body.
"I have been receiving visions, flashes of your people for years now, and I knew it was only time before our peoples came into contact with one another. However, I have been seeing you, in my visions, for several months now."
"But that is not how I know the particulars of your situation." Leander paused and lowered his head for a moment. "A couple of years ago, I met a young man much in the same situation as yourself. He was on the run, scared, alone….and also carrying a child."
"Wait a minute," Rodney held up his hand. "Are you trying to tell me that there are more people like me? More men? And they've escaped?"
"You are the second that I am aware of. I have done my own research into the detestable methods used by the people who kept you captive. You and the other young man are the only two that have ever escaped from their facility alive as far as I'm aware."
"I had help…" Rodney murmured.
He wasn't the only one….There was someone else like him, someone else who had experienced the same horror as he had.
"I think I need to sit down." he mumbled.
He fumbled to a seat on the edge of the pedestal that the statue and put his head in his hands. He was vaguely aware of Leander sitting down beside him, and stupidly grateful for the gap he had left between them. He didn't think he could stand to be touched just then.
"Where is he? The other guy?" he asked at last, looking sideways at Leander.
A sad smile graced Leander's face, his eyes taking on a distance that Rodney disliked immediately.
"I took him in, looked after him and protected him throughout the duration of his gestation. But he was sick, and too weak to survive the strain on his body." Leander bowed his head again. "He passed away shortly after his child was delivered."
Rodney tried to swallow the overwhelming fear that was rising in his throat.
"And the child? What happened to the baby?" he whispered.
"She didn't survive either. They were both too weak. I tried my best, but…." Leander spread his hands helplessly.
Rodney nodded and clenched his teeth in an effort the stop his jaw from trembling. The same thing could happen to him and his child. He could get sick just like the other man had and he could lose the child as well.
The odds of that happening though were extremely high anyway; he'd known that since Jeannie had opened his eyes to the truth.
"Doctor Mckay, I wish to help you in any way that I can. I have no wish to see the same fate happen to you. Your people represent a great hope to our people, as does your own mind, Rodney Mckay."
"I will be no one's lab rat," Rodney ground out. "I told you, I'd rather kill myself and this child than be a subject to such torture."
When had he started thinking like the thing within him was actually a child? His child? Not that that mattered really anyway at the moment. He needed to figure out a way to survive, to get through the coming ordeal. He'd deal with the whats and the hows of it later.
"That isn't my intention," Leander said. "You've been through enough of that kind of thing and I think the last thing you need to be is subject to other people's curiosity."
Rodney let that sink in quietly. Leander's face was an odd mix of benevolence and sorrow.
"No, my intention was to warn you, and help you in any way that I can. The people who did this to you...you have to understand that they are ruthless in their pursuit of this science. They will be looking for you, especially if they have reason to believe that their experiments on you were successful."
"I hadn't thought about that...."Rodney realized slowly."Oh my god, they're not going to let this go are they? They're going to find me...."
"I can't say that for sure, Doctor Mckay. But I can tell you to watch your back. Guard yourself closely, because they won't give up without a fight."
Rodney nodded slowly, feeling that familiar urge to just run. He needed John. John would know what to do. Suddenly, he felt sick with wanting Atlantis. He was safe there. Protected. Atlantis was a strong hold of defense like no other place in the galaxy.
"I need to get back," he said slowly.
Leander nodded. "As I said, I can see nothing of your future at the moment. But know that I am always here to help you. If you need shelter, I can provide it."
"Why are you doing this? You don't even know me."
"Everyone has their own calling in life, Doctor. Mine is to help people, and last time, I failed in that. I will not fail again. I will not fail you."
A little shaken by the determination in the old man's voice, Rodney nodded. It felt...good to know that he had allies such as this. Even if he had only just met the strange old man, who already knew the most intimate secret about him, and even though he only had the old man's word that what he said was the truth, he couldn't help believing him.
Trust wasn't something that Rodney experienced easily, but he did have instincts, and he did follow them. Instinct was telling him that Leander was a trustworthy ally to have.
"Is there anything you can tell me? Anything that can help me?" Rodney asked, trying not to sound desperate.
Leander was quiet for a moment, his eyes going blank and distant. Rodney tried not to freak out but after a long pause he reached to shake Leander's shoulder. He had gone so still, and silent that it seemed unnatural.
But before he could touch him, Leander turned his face to him all of a sudden.
"Listen for a man named Garrett. He has information that will help you."
"Garrett?" Rodney latched onto the name. "Where can I find him?"
"There's no need to look for him." Leander answered. "He'll find you."
Leander seemed to shake himself then, and smiled at him.
"Enough of that. I would like to show you some of the wonder's of our fair city. I believe you would be most interested in our research and development buildings." Leander stood up. "Come, we will take some refreshment and then we will go."
Rodney looked up at him for a long moment before he stood to follow.
John found Rodney that evening pacing in his room. He hadn't emerged for the evening meal, which was held at sunset of each day on this planet, and that alone had him worried. Leander seemed calm though, explaining that the scientist had had a busy day and he'd been rather distracted and worried.
John himself was exhausted. He really should be used to sitting through endless hours of negotiations after the hundreds of planets they had visited, but each time it was different and yet the same.
Teyla did most of the talking, whilst he and Ronon were on the look out for anything that looked unusual or trouble of some kind. Rodney was usually off examining some sort of technology or the other, and this time wasn't any different.
Except that everything was different. Rodney was expecting. He was going to have a baby. A living, breathing human person. And wasn't that a kick in the pants?
Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse. Rodney had gone through hell and had dragged himself back, only to be kicked back down with the latest bombshell.
And hell, John was trying so hard to be understanding, and not to freak out about it. The last thing that Rodney needed was to deal with a panicking team leader. It wasn't that he was disgusted about it. He'd had to adjust to the device-turned-uterus thing, weeks to adjust in fact, and it hadn't been that bad.
But still. Poor Rodney. He'd had weeks to adjust to it, and John couldn't shake the feeling that he was still freaking out about it. And why shouldn't he? Babies were a female thing. What the hell did Rodney know about them?
What did he know about them? Nothing, that was what.
But seeing that look of shame and self-loathing on Rodney's face had made him feel physically sick when he had learned the truth. The rage that had washed over him was old, but still burning brightly.
He hated the people who had done this to Rodney with such unrelenting, indiscriminate fury that sometimes he felt like it would consume him, burn him alive from the inside. Sometimes he was restless and itching with the need to do something, to hurt someone that it almost drove him crazy.
But then all he had to do was look at Rodney, and see just how much he needed reassurance, needed someone to just be with him to keep the nightmare's and memories at bay, and the rage would retreat back into it's hiding place to bide it's time again.
Being needed so fiercely by someone was an experience that scared him to his bones. He was terrified of the feelings that he had for Rodney, terrified of letting him down, of hurting him or disappointing him and that too made him angry because Rodney deserved someone who wasn't so afraid of loving someone else.
To John, love meant loss, hurt and a whole world of confusion.
But what he felt for Rodney was purer than anything he had felt before. Unblemished, untainted and stronger than anything. He had no idea how to express what he felt or if he even wanted to. Or if he could at all.
Rodney deserved to be with someone who could show him that and more every day.
Seeing the scientist (his scientist, damnit) so full of doubt and insecurity still threw him off, and upset him. But every now and then he'd see a glimmer of the old Mckay, and he held out hope for a stronger version of his old self to return.
He doubted he could have survived were he in Rodney's position. Rodney had strength within him that he constantly doubted. Even his body, which was a source of much disappointment for Rodney, had a strength that was rarely used. John could see it in his powerful, broad shoulders, his thickly muscled chest and arms and his strong, sturdy thighs.
John could teach him how to use his owns strengths, if only he could see past his own fears for a moment, he knew that. He needed time, he needed to come up with something that would work.
He needed help.
Still, his main priority was to finish the mission and get them all home safely. Then he would worry about what to do for Rodney.
He closed the door quietly behind himself, and watched for a few moments as Rodney paced back and forth by the fireplace, his hands buried in his hair.
Worry had his stomach fluttering and he wanted to rush straight over to him and demand to know what was wrong and who had hurt him.
But Rodney was a grown man, with a wickedly intelligent mind and mental thought processes that would have most regular geniuses breaking down and crying. He could look after himself when he needed to, but figuring out whether or not he needed help was an entirely different matter.
He had seen Rodney at his worst and at his most manic, when the answers he needed the most eluded him no matter what he may try. He had seen the man rage against everyone and everything at the audacity of not being able to find a solution. Shit, he had even seen him on the verge of tears from sheer frustration.
When he was stressed, Rodney paced, and talked a mile a minute, mind leaping from one thing to the next so fast an observer could get whiplash. He tugged at his hair, rubbed his face, pinched himself into wakefulness, hell, sometimes he even beat his head against hard surfaces in a futile attempt to get the answer to somehow spring into his head.
But he had never seen Rodney so distressed or upset as he did at that moment.
"Rodney?" he asked cautiously, approaching him as he might a wild animal. "What's the matter?"
Rodney didn't seem to hear him, just kept pacing so he walked right on up to him and caught his shoulder, pulling Rodney around to face him.
"Hey. What's wrong?"
Rodney stepped back, pulling away from his touch, and he tried not to feel disappointed. He couldn't blame Rodney though, because he figured that the man deserved a little personal space.
"I talked to Leander today," Rodney said haltingly. "He told me...things."
"What kind of things?" John asked suspiciously, watching as Rodney moved towards the window and looked out over towards the city. Night had fallen and lights twinkled up at them from the darkness.
He listened as Rodney halting told him about the conversation that had taken place out in the garden that morning. It hit him like a blow to the head; there was someone else out there. Or there had been but he had died. Would Rodney end up the same way? Would he prevail against this new threat with all the indignation and irritation that he had within his body, or would he succumb to it as the other man had?
John knew that there had been other people in that facility, but there had been nothing he could do for them at the time. He hadn't thought to check if Rodney had known that. He had a feeling that particular fuck up would come back to bite him in the ass and he was usually right about that kind of thing.
He was quiet for a long minute until Rodney turned to look at him with desperation in his eyes.
"I need to get back to Atlantis. It's not safe here. No where's safe anymore!"
John could see that Rodney was working himself up to a full blown panic attack so he crossed the room once more and laid his hands on his shoulders, looking directly into his eyes as he did so.
"Do you trust me, Rodney?" he asked seriously.
"What?" he frowned in confusion, seemingly unable to concentrate on the simple question.
It didn't take a genius to see the exhaustion in those tired blue eyes. Rodney seemed to tire a lot more easily, and John wondered if it was because of his pregnancy.
"Do you trust me?" he repeated slowly.
"Of course I do." The response relaxed John considerably.
"Then trust me when I say that nothing is going to happen to you. No one's going to hurt you again if I have anything to say about it. Understand?"
Rodney was staring at him silently.
"I...I just...What happens if..."
"No Rodney," John said angrily, before he stopped and took a steadying breath.
He stepped into Rodney's personal space again looked into his bright blue eyes steadily. For a moment, he lost himself in the simple act of being able to touch him. Of feeling hard muscle and the heat of his skin beneath his hands.
"No. I won't let anyone take you away from me, from us, ever again."
Rodney closed his eyes and exhaled, all of the tension leaving his body in an instant. The trust he placed in him staggered John. If Rodney believed him, believed his words with such an ease....Rodney meant the world to him, the skies that were his freedom, and vast the emptiness of space full of possibility and wonder had nothing on Rodney.
Rodney moved closer, pressing himself willingly to John and burying his face in his neck, and it was instinct to just wrap his arms around his warmth, to close his eyes and inhale the wonderful, clean scent of his hair.
"Just...don't leave me." Rodney whispered into his neck. "Stay with me. I can't do this without you, John."
As if there was anything that could drag him away, John thought to himself. He loved Rodney with every fiber in his being, and nothing that happened could take that away from him or make him stop.
"I won't."
It was Rodney who lifted his head and studied his face. John didn't look away as he would have a couple of years ago. He didn't shy away from the scrutiny, didn't shift uncomfortably. Because this was a man who knew everything about him. Rodney knew his every secret, all his little quirks, everything that made him who he was. There were no secrets, nothing to be ashamed of between them. They were one heart. One soul. Together in every sense of the word.
They had been building towards this since the moment they had met. It didn't matter what had happened before. All that mattered was the present, and the future.
It was Rodney who kissed him first. Soft, warm lips pressed against his own gently for a long moment before drawing away. He opened his eyes to see Rodney watching him with something like fear in his eyes.
He pressed his forehead against Rodney's briefly before taking his mouth, and tasting him gently, nibbling at his lower lip before trailing kisses along his jaw line to the sensitive skin beneath his ear.
They couldn't do much more that kiss whilst on a mission, and John knew that. But his still held Rodney tightly to his chest and pressed his face into his neck.
Rodney was quiet in his arms, resting peacefully, breathing slowly and evenly, all signs of distress gone completely. John breathed a sigh of relief, pleased that he was no longer so upset. Whatever it was that was coming, John would be Rodney's shield until he was strong enough to stand on his own two feet again.
"Come on. You need to rest. It's a long walk back to the Stargate tomorrow," he said eventually pulling back a little.
Rodney moved back himself, leaving his hands on John's shoulders. A small, rueful and tired smile tugged at his endearingly crooked mouth.
"I'll need my energy if I'm to face both Keller and Sam in full rampage mood," he laughed a little.
"I bet they'll ream you a new one. Might even ground you to Atlantis for awhile," He smiled in return.
"Trust me, I don't think I want to be anywhere else," Rodney replied dryly. He moved towards his bed and stripped of his shirt.
John swallowed dryly at the sight of the smooth, unblemished skin of his back. His hands itched with the need to touch, but he controlled the urge with much difficulty as he walked over to the windows and pulled the curtains across.
When he turned around, Rodney was in his boxers and climbing into the bed. Closing his eyes and sending a desperate prayer up to whoever was watching over them for help, John moved hesitantly closer as Rodney slid under the covers.
"Well, I guess I should...."
"Stay," Rodney said immediately. "Just until I fall asleep."
Of course, John was helpless to Rodney's request. He knew Rodney was having trouble sleeping at night, haunted by bad dreams and flashbacks, and if he was the only source of comfort that could chase those away, then who was he to deny it?
"Sure," he agreed easily.
It wasn't selfishness of any kind, he thought stubbornly. Any excuse to touch Rodney was good enough for him it seemed. He needed Rodney like he needed air. He was touch starved and skin hungry, and just being close to Rodney had the heat rising in his blood.
But there was nothing sexual about the situation at all, he told himself strictly. Rodney was vulnerable and needing his support and he'd give it, give anything, freely.
Still, as he climbed on top of the bed, he felt something tight inside his chest unravel just a little. Rodney was curled on his side, facing John with his eyes drooping tiredly. John's heart melted in his chest; a sleepy Rodney was irresistible. All ruffled hair, warm blue eyes and heat flushed skin.
"Hey," he said roughly, quietly.
"Hm?" Rodney opened his eyes slightly.
"Sleep well. No bad dreams, okay?"
"Hm."
John pressed a light kiss to his forehead as Rodney drifted off to sleep. He ran a fingertip over the surprisingly soft skin of his clenched fist, marveling at this beautiful, strong man who had become the centre of his life without him even noticing it.
Things couldn't go back to the way they had been before they had gone to Earth, John realized suddenly. He couldn't keep himself out of Rodney's life as he had sworn to do. He couldn't deprive himself of the light that was Rodney's heart.
He needed to touch and be touched in return. He needed to have Rodney like that, to affirm his love for him and to show him that he was loved in return, no matter how futile his attempts may be. He needed to give Rodney back himself, to show him that he was worth fighting for, that he was worth dying for and that John would within a heartbeat if it meant that Rodney was safe and alive somewhere.
Rodney would be his and he would be Rodney's. There was nothing else to it. So what if they had to keep it secret from all but their closest friends? So what if it meant that he was kicked out of Atlantis?
Sure it was their home, and it meant so much to him, but Rodney meant more and he always would. And if it meant they retired somewhere quiet back on Earth then so be it. He'd be happy as long as Rodney was at his side.
John closed his eyes, glad that he had finally sorted everything out in his mind. But even though some problems had been sorted out, there were always more to take their place.
The biggest of all though, was the baby that Rodney carried. Keeping him safe and protected had just become a lot harder with Leander's troubling prediction.
They needed to get back to Atlantis to formulate a plan. Atlantis was the safest place to be.
Rodney fidgeted restlessly on the infirmary bed, waiting for the inevitable storm that was an angry Jennifer Keller to blow in.
He'd already had Sam tear him a new one for leaving without medical clearance (Keller had informed her of his condition when she had discovered Rodney's small act of rebellion) and he wasn't looking forward to seeing Keller face to face.
Still, Teyla was looking serene, John a little bemused and Ronon as stoic as usual as they all waited for her arrival. Post mission medicals were mandatory for all staff who had been off-world, even if it was to one of their frequently visited planets, and Rodney understood that. But still, he had a feeling like this particular one would be his last for a long time.
Sam had already forbidden that he take part in any off world activity unless she authorized it, in collaboration with Keller.
"Stop it," John whispered out of the corner of his mouth. "You know what women are like. Any sign of weakness and they're on you faster than you can sneeze."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence!" Rodney hissed back at him. "You're going to scram at the first sign of trouble aren't you?"
John just grinned in response and patted his hand. Rodney scowled and went back to watching the entrance.
Sure enough, exactly two minutes and thirty six seconds later, Keller blew in with a ferocious scowl on her face as she made a straight line to where Rodney sat.
Alarmed, he shifted back on the bed in a pathetic effort to escape but she was too quick for him and before he knew it she was standing before him, glaring. It was a rare occasion when Rodney felt cowed by anyone, but the small woman before him was blaring discontent and anger straight at in him a no fuss manner that made him want to hide behind something.
"Look, before you say anything..." he began quickly.
"You...you…I have no words!" she snapped, her hands on her hips. "No words to describe how furious I am with you Meredith Rodney Mckay! I almost had a heart attack when I found out that you had gone behind my back and snuck off on a mission without medical clearance! You know how important this is! You could have died!"
"I was fine, really..." Rodney protested weakly, leaning away from her.
"Er..." John seemed hesitant to interrupt. "He was sick...on the first day. Vomited and he seemed really tired..."
"Traitor!" Rodney growled at him.
Jennifer spared him a glance, and seemed to soften a little, some of her anger draining away.
"That's....relatively normal." She swung back to look at Rodney. "I expect extreme amounts of sucking up from you mister! Examinations and physicals with no complaint! Not one word or I won't hesitate to find some horrible and unusual punishment for you! Understand?"
"I understand." he agreed quickly, glad not to be the subject of some kind of physical pain from her.
"And chocolate. I expect lots of chocolate."
She seemed to be winding down from her rant, and Rodney was just glad that she wasn't the kind of woman to hold a grudge. Not that he blamed her really. What he'd done had been lousy, and he honestly did regret causing her so much worry. A couple of years ago, something like that wouldn't have bothered him, but it seemed that it was true when it was said that people change. He'd been foolish to think that he would remain the same selfish man that he had been.
"You'll get all the chocolate you could possibly hope for, and then some," he promised sincerely.
"Well good. That's settled then." She swept an assessing gaze over the rest of his team, a small frown on her face.
"You've all been medically cleared, so you can go. I want to do a full physical for Rodney and possibly an ultrasound as well."
John stood from his seat beside Rodney and Teyla and Ronon made as if to go as well, but suddenly Rodney wanted them there too. He wanted to prove to them that he wasn't delusional in any way, that he really was pregnant and horribly scared. He needed them to see how much he needed their support.
"Please," he caught John's wrist before he could move too far away.
"Can they stay?" he beseeched Keller. "I want to see the...please."
Keller looked at him for a long moment before glancing at his team mates. Somehow, she understood his confused question and nodded, seeming reluctant.
"Of course, if that is what you wish." Her face turned stern again as she looked at each of his team mates in turn. "But if you say or do anything that upsets him I'll kick you out of here so fast that you won't know what hit you. He has enough to worry about at the moment."
Teyla smiled and bowed her head a little. "Thank you Doctor Keller."
John had returned to Rodney's side wordlessly, and he said nothing about the grip Rodney had retained on his wrist. Instead, he brushed his fingers fleetingly over Rodney's, and his stomach exploded with warm butterflies that had his flushing.
"Lie down Rodney," Keller said as she slipped through the curtains surrounding his bed. "I'll be back in a moment."
He swung his legs up onto the bed and lay back staring at the ceiling, trying to swallow his apprehension. Something must have shown on his face, because Teyla took his hand and patted it at the same time that John put a hand on his shoulder and left it there. Ronon sat down at the foot of his bed unceremoniously, squashing his foot, and he scowled and kicked at him.
"Don't think I won't beat your ass into the ground just cause you're all fragile now, Mckay," Ronon growled, but there was no threat in his voice.
"I think you'll have to get past Keller first," John said dryly, before looking down at him. "I think you'll be on a very short leash for awhile, Rodney."
"I'm trying not to think about it," Rodney muttered, staring once more at the ceiling. If he never had to look at it again he would be very grateful, but something told him that he would be seeing a lot more of it in the coming months.
"Okay," Keller bustled back in dragging a cart with what was presumably an ultrasound machine mounted on it.
Teyla stepped back and John took her place, slipping his hand into Rodney's smoothly and entangling their fingers. Rodney squeezed his hand gratefully and felt an answering pressure.
They all watched curiously as Keller set up the machine and turned it on.
"John, roll his shirt up would you?" she asked softly.
John did so, exposing his stomach to the cool air. His belly was smooth and relatively flat (he'd lost weight during his captivity, so he had practically regained the figure he'd throughout school and university) and unblemished, save for the white scar that ran its length vertically.
"This may be a little cool," Keller warned before she squirted some clear gel onto his skin. "Okay now..."
She placed the wand of the ultrasound on his stomach and started to move it around slowly, staring intently at the screen. Rodney did the same, glancing at the fuzzy black and white display and at Keller's face alternatively.
"There it is." Keller said after a couple of minutes. She stood back a bit to let the others see, but kept the wand in the same place.
It was almost comical the way Ronon, Teyla and John all leaned forward in unison, peering at the display.
There was a long silence.
"What exactly are we looking at?" John asked uncertainly.
Keller smiled at them all indulgently, obviously enjoying their rapt attention.
"This here," she pointed to a spot a little to the left of the screen, where a small white blob was. "This is the fetus."
It was a strange looking thing; there was a darker looking spot that might have been the beginnings of an eye, and four little nubs which were probably limbs, and....was that a tail?
"It looks...." John began.
"Are you sure that's even human?" Ronon asked, leaning a little closer. "Don't look like no human thing I've ever seen."
"Ronon!" Teyla hit his arm.
"It is a fetus, Ronon," Keller said with a smile. "A lot of animal fetuses look alike in the early stages of development. It takes awhile before it starts to resemble a human baby."
"Wow...." John murmured, glancing at Rodney. "That's pretty amazing."
"Isn't it?" Keller smiled at John and then Rodney. "Truly a miracle."
Rodney had his doubts on that subject, but he kept them to himself. He was unable to look away from the tiny little floaty thing that was currently residing (growing) in his stomach. How long until it became a person? Until it started to wake and sleep and move?
He was still terrified, still scared shitless of what was happening to him, but he could no longer deny the curiosity that he was feeling either.
"Now everyone out. I need to finish his examination and then he needs to rest." Keller said briskly.
The others left pretty promptly after that, not keen to invoke Keller's temper. Rodney said goodbye to them absentmindedly, before tucking an arm beneath his head and staring at the ceiling. Keller bustled around his quietly, checking this and that, but Rodney's mind was elsewhere.
Almost an hour later, Rodney found Radek Zelenka bent over a desk in one of the quieter labs in the North West tower. After hovering in the doorway for a few seconds, he cleared his throat and stepped further into the room.
Radek looked up at him and blinked, before smiling in surprise.
Rodney held up an ancient data crystal before the man could say anything in greeting.
"I need you to look at something for me, Radek," he said nervously. "I need your help."
TBC
A/N: Comments, questions and feedback are always welcomed and much appreciated.