Chapter 19- Believing
I crawled with the fierce will to fight on, to never give in to the taste of death. I rolled over the singeing piles of wood, my flesh burning with a great anguish. I pushed harder, my heart and soul willing my body to keep going. The night grew to dawn when I finally was able to rise to my feet. Sun's glorious splendor filled my eyes, highlighting the red streaks that still rolled down my body. My own blood was like the Aegean Sea, flowing with endlessness till I would be no more. I imagined my lover's lips, smooth against my own, the feel of our arms encircled around each other, and the stroke of the sea that rocked us back and forth. The eyes, filled with every emotion in the world but one that stood out to me the most, the feel of headstrongness, unable to back down. It caused the pain to flee away for an instant, but enough for me to recollect my thoughts.
The shuffling of feet from behind me, the morning light that blinded all around the camp from me, the whispers of voices, were all beating sounds like thunder in the sky. I felt myself leap in fright and struggle to reach the boat. Black sails peeked at me from over the others as it bobbed back and forth within the waves. The cold breeze cooled my back, but yet my body ached with all the pain of the world. I clutched the dagger with all my might, feeling my way with blood clot eyes, the hardened substance burning at my face, my hands reached out in front of me. I heard his voice, his powerful calls ringing throughout the air as he commanded with ferocity and indifference. His voice was weighed down, laden with a loss only I could commit to. I shrank back into the dunes of the sand, hiding behind the tents that fluttered their light fabrics in the wind. His harsh footsteps echoed in my ears as he stalked away. I made my way closer to the ship, hearing the sails fling themselves with a loud snap into the wind, the oars splash against the water.
A man with dark hair bound with a cloth around his brow leapt down form the boat back to shore, grabbing the last of his weapons. His face was sad, filled with remorse. He looked out to the dawning sea, his heart swelling in sadness, his lugubrious movements sending him slowly back to the ship. His eyes were the brightest blue, always holding a sense of sharpness to them. I felt my heart give way. My body weakens with just the few steps I had taken. Sneaking back down to my knees, I crawled my way to the ship. A brush of hard, weather-beaten rope nudged my arm, calling for me. I climb over to the other edge, rolling onto the dock with a cough and a wince. The Gods have favored me, and have granted me this life. I shall not let it be stolen so quickly. Blood pools at my neck, I wipe it away and try to stand. The oars suddenly thrust the boat forward, pushing me away from Troy. I feel my heart break in two, and wonder if ever I shall see my love again. Darkness sweeps over my eyes and I hear the shocked silence and the gasps of the men around me. I rock back into darkness as blue eyes, wide in shock, look down at me…
Damnation! I spring back into reality, leaving the dream behind. It fades away like the washing of waves that stole away the Myrmidons, as they drift back to Greece. I wipe my brow of sweat that always lingers on my forehead now. They are just dreams. But now the dreams become more alive, truer with each passing night. The wind shifts suddenly, making me look to my balcony. In the new day, there is already the oppressive feeling washing through everyone. Today will be a dark day, one that none of us want to remember. I sit and watch the curtains of my balcony billowing back and forth; feeling their way along my smooth stone washed walls, and curling back towards the sea. My eyes blur, tears rolling down my cheeks. A sob chokes my throat. I swallow it back as I rise from my bed. I usher myself, as if every step I have to push myself, towards the balcony. Fresh air slaps me full in the face. Dawn has arrived and there is barely another soul as awake as I am in the city. But I am awake, and in the distance I see an escape that I could have taken, now ripped clean from me. In the distance, a small dot along the horizon, sails Achilles' ship and the Myrmidons.
I gaze with a weary heart, remembering Achilles' spitefulness, Eudorus' confusion and Patroclus' mercy when they first saw me, aboard their ship swinging around the sword. I smiled inwardly to myself. It all seemed so long ago. It was when I had the dreams of my past, a haunting past. And now I was free, the dreams had vanished. My smile disappeared. The dreams had gone, only to be replaced with these…visions? I knew not what else to call them. I was suddenly in the place of a boy I never imagined to love, and who had stolen my heart. Patroclus was alive in my dreams, alive and well as he climbed onto the docks of the ship. But where was I, like he always promised I would be? Right by his side? And Achilles, Achilles was also missing in my dreams. The sun poured vacant warmth onto my skin, as if it too was dispatched of the entire valor it had against the world, hardened by the threat of war.
My eyes moved across the city, to where the great golden walls stood. The wind sprang from the heavens, washing along my body like water. The waves called to me like the whales and creatures of the sea. The Gods stand in their beauty in their cloud of havens, the mighty Olympus. A whisper came to my ears. Believe…you must Aldreana. In me, in all that has begun. Believe with your heart, not by the eyes you see...
My breath caught in my throat in the small gasp. I looked to the clouding sky with wide eyes, the heavens baiting me to come with them as they rolled with their extravagant wonder across the blue sky. The Gods gestured to me, and in their presence I saw him. Patroclus. He motioned to me, but I cannot follow. He calls for me, my name ringing in my ears, but I do not listen. Finally, with sad eyes, he understands. His immortal soul turns its back to me, abiding to my answer. Life still springs in me, even with the ongoing tears that flow from my eyes. Even with my heart split in two, with Odysseus now on one end, and Priam on the other. And Achilles stands in the middle, with all the spirits of those dead and free. I lay trapped, in this living world, the River Styx far from my grasp. I will myself to believe it so, and as a new day begins, I feel stranded from all around me.
Today begins the twelve days in honor of Hector, and tonight I shall watch his body burn like the others, the two coins for the ferry man who takes him across the river, to the underworld. Legends always say it is a dark and gloomy place, but as the voices of those dead ring in my ears, with all the whispers of their chiding accusations in my head, I feel that the underworld can be taken in any which way we see it as. A heaven, or a hell. A peace or a prison. Their singing rings in my ears. They are at peace. A small rap at the door suddenly awakens me from my reverie. I scramble back to my bed, grabbing the thin robe of resinous blue, and throw it around my shoulders.
"Aldreana, may I have a word with you?" I stiffen. It is the soft, feathery voice of Andromache. Sobs sting her throat and I feel my own eyes start to swell in days of crying in despair. "Aldreana…" she hesitates and starts to leave. I leap for the door, swinging it open with a gentle grace after I gathered myself at the last minute. Her dark eyes are pools of death, of brokenness. She cradles the babe within her arms, hugging him tightly. I could have sworn she would have smothered their son if she had held him any tighter.
Their son…I had wished once for it to be mine…I throw the thoughts away and with a silent nod and wave of my head allow the lady to enter. She looks around my room. Gazing at the small things I have that create such a gentleness and simplicity to the quarters. Andromache moved into the room with a stiff walk, yet still managed to keep the grace of a Princess. She was already dressed in the mourning black gowns, her curled dark locks caught and bound in golden threads. Her makeup is dark, hiding the redness of her eyes from a night of sleepless crying. I quickly look into the mirror at my own image.
A mature woman looks intently back at me through the mirror. My eyes are not sad filled, even with the tears, but hardened. There is the ice that Hector had to melt after my father's demise. I'm no longer the chattel I thought I was, but a strong woman who could make her own choices. Surprisingly, I found my hair in perfect curls from a day without wash, and the makeup wiped away from the rustle of my sleep throughout the night. I think of the dreams again, Patroclus…
"You knew my husband well?" Andromache asked, though with a hint of assumption she already knew the answer to. I face her again and motion for her to sit down on the silk sheets of my bed, which she gladly accepts. I take the babe from her tired arms, rocking him back and forth as I sit down next to her.
"I did," I answer curtly, knowing it was wrong to speak so insolently to a Princess, but felt no other way to respond. I looked up at her and locked her dark eyes with my bright ones, wondering what the conversation was going to lead to. Andromache dropped her head, refusing to meet my eye.
"There was a time, when you loved him too?" she asks with the earnest of hearts. I nod again, feeling two ways where the next question she could ask could lead. "And did he, love you as well?" Andromache looks at me with hard eyes. I swallow my pride, wishing to answer that yes, at one time I felt we both fell for each other. And then he met Andromache. I felt five years pass so quickly. My heart had flown from one man to the other and in just a few days time, I already knew the man I would love for eternity.
"He loved me as a loyal servant to Troy and a friend he could trust, nothing more than that." Andromache nodded, but still waited for my feelings. "I will always love Hector, but as a prince I will always follow with the greatest of loyalty." The baby gurgles with in my arms, catching a lock of my hair and wrapping his pudgy fingers around it. I gazed down at his bright blue eyes. I wished for me to one-day hold Patroclus' child, for his eyes to gaze at me through my son.
"How can your loyalties lie with Troy when you returned to this war with the Greeks. Hector told me your story, of how he left you to watch over Helen. But then he told me the boy-"
"He was no boy, but a soldier Hector cut down without any thought!" I stood to my feet, clutching the babe close to my breast. "All because of a hate for Achilles." Andromache stands up, her face expressionless except for the hate she suddenly passes my way as I degrade her love. I let it stand. Andromache grabs the babe from my arms and begins to leave the room. "I loved that boy that Hector killed, and not because of the side he was on." Andromache's hand stops, hovering over the handle. She turns back to me. "I love him because of the man he was. I know I'm Greek. But I have lived my life here in Troy, and that is where my loyalty lies, with Hector. He was everything, he was Troy. Without him, this city is nothing." Andromache nods in agreement.
"Was he as old as you?" she asks. I nod. She holds her head high, looking about the room. A small smile tugs at her lips. "So simple this is, this life you live Aldreana. But, war seems to seek you out and transform you. You have changed greatly since I have last seen you. Perhaps this boy, too young for war as you are, as changed you for the better." I know not how to respond to such praise coming from Andromache herself. Tears pool in my eyes.
"Thank you," I whisper. She nods, looking down at the babe resting in her arms. "I miss them both greatly my lady."
"Lead on those who follow you Aldreana, and you can do tremendous things in your life." These were like last words from Andromache. As she left the room, I suddenly felt like I would never speak with her again, never come to her counsel just to see Hector's face. Never hold the babe again and feel his short fingers grasp and pull tightly at my hair. I felt lost to all in Troy. I had disconnected from them completely. The cool breeze lulled me back to the balcony. I watched as the market square prepared the burial for Hector, the people holding their heads with the last strength they could muster, knowing that was what their prince would have wanted…
…Darkness came faster than I imagined, the days passed so quickly now, yet I always felt I was doing nothing and ceased to be lively, taken by my own grief and boredom. I stare from within the shadows, Myles at my right and Iason at my left, both in armor and welding spears. Myles' gaze drifts to me every moment or two, but my gaze is locked on the burial scene. Priam and Paris both climb the wooden ladder; to where Hector is laid, dressed and clean with his entire splendor shinning in his lifeless face. Across from us sits the royal party. In thrones are Andromache in the middle, Helen at her right and Briseis at her left. All are dressed in black with golden crowns of leaves around their weaved and curled hair. Helen cradles the babe, all three weep openly.
I feel Myles hand come from beneath the shield he carries, his grasps my hand tightly as Priam kisses his son's forehead once more, and Paris lays the torch onto his brother's body. All heads are bowed in perpetuated silence, Hector's words ringing throughout all our ears. Myles gives me a startled look when I look straight up to the growing flames, unable to bow my head. He nudges my arm, but my headstrong gaze remains on Hector's burning body. I will not fail you again my lord…
I suddenly felt the need to end this, to end the call that had awoken in my heart. I let go of Myles' hand and break through the line of soldiers, passing through the throng of people. Iason turns his head and looks at a bewildered Myles. He nods his head to me and Myles silently obeys, following after me. I feel him along my back, but can't hear him and when I turn only darkness meets me. I return back to the empty city, leaving behind the burdensome scene. I sense Myles at my feet, but continue. I hear him throw the shield aside and the spear with a clunk and at that second sprint down the street, hoping to lose him.
"Aldreana!" he screams after me and instantly starts running for me. I feel my heart push me harder and begin running down idle streets, taking all the secret ways to the wall that I knew of. Myles continues to call my name, following me at great haste. "Aldreana!" I feel his voice growing more distant and I become less worried. I slow my pace down, looking behind me but he is nowhere to be seen. Good, I didn't want him to see me go back to Odysseus like a coward. A sound of metal scrapping against leather pulls me around and with it Patroclus' sword flashes in the moonlight. I meet swords with two Trojan guards. They both look at me with surprise and I push them back with all my strength.
"What are you doing out here girl?" one acquires. I lift an eyebrow in decisive and wry expression.
"Saving your lives," I answer sardonically, though I know it to be a lie. They both lower their swords and look at me in confusion. I take the moment and scramble away. They call after but I duck into the corner of the street I need to go into and press my body against the stone. My weight instantly makes the stone give way and I slide into the shadows. The men run past me and I smile to myself. This is for you my lord, I whisper in silent prayer to Hector. I make my way down the long dark tunnel in the wall to where I can sneak outside to the Greek camp like I had so many days before. I feel my heart sing with the thought of my feet brushing along the sand again, and yet it drops forever down to my feet with the thought that my loyalty wavers again, switching from one side to the next. I reach for the loose stone and wish for cold air when a hand snatches my shoulder and turns me sharply around.
Myles stares at me with infuriated eyes, blazing with a greater anger than I have ever seen come from him. "You lied, you betrayer," he hisses in a low growl. I try to yank my arm free, but his grip his forceful and hard, bringing me close to his berating eyes. I try to get free again, but it was a vain attempt.
"Myles, let me go," I shout in protest. His fingers twist my skin. "Myles," I start desperately to calm him down.
"You leave and you turn your back on your own people," he retorts with angrily. I stare and him and almost wish to laugh, but know that will not help the situation.
"Myles if I go now I go to my own people!" I finally announce to him. "I'm Greek!" Myles stutters a word or two, looking at me with wide eyes. In the shock he lets me go and I push myself away from him. He looks at me with lost eyes, as if I abandoned him suddenly. I give him unperturbed look. My convictions have suddenly turned him in all directions and he knew not where to turn. I hold out a hand to comfort but he slaps it aside. "Myles," I say softly. "I go to help Troy."
Myles shakes his head only to have me repeat myself. Finally, he looks up at me. I feel his head reach out to brush aside a lock of hair that escaped the long braid. I shudder when I imagine Patroclus doing the same. Myles looks at me, locking my eyes and gives me a content look. He shrugs his shoulders with a deep sigh. "You always amazed me Aldreana," he says. I nod, hearing this more than once from him. "But perhaps it is like you say, appearances can be deceiving." I smile, remembering all the people I have told that to, and how they believe me. I kiss him lightly on the cheek.
"I'm grateful to have a friend like you Myles," I respond. Myles waves the sentimental moment away.
"Be back before dawn, otherwise I will set guards to this doorway and bar this from you. You shouldn't keep using this as an escape Aldreana," he proposes. I cock an eyebrow, but his face is serious and so my flippant look drifts away. I nod and push away the stone, not giving Myles a last look as I walk into the cool night.
The Greek camp is quiet as soldiers drift away to sleep, escaping to their own dreams. This makes me remember mine and I tug the dark cloak always around my back closer to my face, hiding my features. I briskly walk to the large tent. Candlelight flickers as the shadowed men walk back in forth in council. I recognize the sturdy form of Odysseus, and the stout form of Agamemnon as he paces back and forth in anger. Sneaking past the two guards that stand in the doorway, I brush my way along the side of the tent, making sure my shadow can't be seen. A crack of the tent where the fabrics of two rugs come together allowed me to easily see all the men in the tent and I draw closer.
"Achilles makes a secret pact and I have to honor it! What treason is this?" Agamemnon springs from his throne in anger. His snarl makes me cringe. "After all of this we have to have twelve days of peace, peace, PEACE!" Odysseus hides his grudge against the king by rubbing his chin, hiding his grimace. His eyes scatter themselves along the tent floor and in the corner he spots me. His eyes grow wide but he keeps quiet, making me shrink back into the shadows. "Their army is leaderless, now should be the time to attack," the king whines in protest.
"Even without Hector, we cannot breach their walls," Agamemnon's advisor speaks out. The other men nod in agreement. Agamemnon lays dark, cold eyes on the man. He waves his hands in the air in exasperation.
"I will tear their wall down brick by brick," he cries, his face looking up to the sky. "Hear me, Zeus, I will burn their walls to the ground!" All the men are quiet and my own breath is sucked out of my lungs. I lay eyes of hatred on him and feel my fingers tightened around the sword hilt at my side. All the men look at each other for the other to speak, but they all remain silent and soon Agamemnon waves their dismissal. Odysseus gives me one long look and exits last. I watch the men walk away, Odysseus eyeing the guards until they turn at Agamemnon's shouted command.
He quickly retreats over to me. I stand and open my mouth to speak, but he tosses me aside, deeper into the darkness. I sink into the sand; its waves of dune creeping down my gown from the sheer force of his throw. I spin around with an anger curse about to escape my lips, but he clamps his hand over my mouth, shushing his silence. I give him a wide-eyed look but he keeps his finger at his lips to signal my silence. A whisper and suddenly we both hear Agamemnon's voice to his guards.
"Has there been any sign of the Trojan spy?" Odysseus and I remain rigid in out spot, he kneeling over me and I sprawled on the ground.
"No my lord, not since the death of the cousin," one answers. Agamemnon slams his fist on his throne.
"Find her damn you!" he swears loudly. "I have much to discuss with her." We both hear the shuffle of feet but the guards to not exit. "Why do you stay? GO! Or I'll have the Trojans come and kill you!" The men run from the tent as Agamemnon laughs devilishly, grunting as he sits back down. I struggle for breath but Odysseus finally stands up, taking me with him and we creep along together in the shadows. Coming to the edge of the camp, he throws me aside and lets me catch my breath.
"Aldreana, what are you doing here?" he asks with an angry voice. "If anyone saw you, you could have been killed." I wipe my hands of the sweat that had gathered while we had hid from Agamemnon onto my dress. I come close to him.
"That's just it, no one saw me and so I'm fine," I replied with a dry attitude. Odysseus gives me a rational look and then chuckles softly. Without thinking he grabs me into a big hug till the air is sucked out of my lungs once more.
"Oh, Aldreana, you were always like that," he acknowledged softly. I give a small smile, suddenly remembering the main reason I came, not just to spare myself of the sadness, but also to ask him of something greater.
"Odysseus," at the sound of my seriousness, the smile was wiped clean from his face. I grabbed him by the shoulders, making him look me in the eye. "You need to end this. Take this twelve days and convince Agamemnon to leave." Odysseus' mouth hangs open and he slowly unlocks my hands from him and backs away, shaking his head.
"I can't, it's not possible." I open my mouth in protest, but he counters it back. "No, Agamemnon is to proud of a man to let this go and I am proud to let my kingdom fall into his hands."
"But you could save-"
"I don't want to save Troy Aldreana, I want to defeat it. And I will do it any way I can, no matter the cost."
I run up to him, catching the edge of his cape as I fall to his knees in tears. "Even kill the innocent! Kill thousands for the sake of an arrogant king. You want to kill the children, watch them cry at your feet and the wives wail as you stab them unconditionally." My eyes are wide with tears and Odysseus steps closer to me and kneels down to silence my shouts. His wary eyes make me quiet to a whisper with my next words. "You would kill men like Patroclus, just to have what you want?" Odysseus freezes and for a second I imagined him nodding his head. Then he encircles his arms around me as I sob, shushing me.
"Aldreana, it is not my choice. My life hangs in Agamemnon's hands. And if I fall, my kingdom falls, everyone I love dear." He pulls my face up and wipes away tears. "Please try to understand this effects everyone." I nod, though my mind is back to Patroclus and Hector. I think of his smile, how he pulled me back and thrust his lips against mine, how the waves crashed at our sides.
"I miss him so much Odysseus. I don't want to see anymore of this," I tremble in his arms. Odysseus remains silent, contemplating in his head and finally speaks the words aloud.
"There was no body," he suddenly puts out. I stiffen, looking up at him incredulously. He remains still, watching my lips tremble and tears spill forth from my eyes.
"What?"
"There was no body when I looked this morning. I watched most of the night and when I left and returned there was no body. No burning flesh, no decaying cloth or bones. There was no trace that Patroclus' body was even there at the start." I raise to my feet, backing away from him, my hand to my lips. "I told Achilles but he didn't believe me, he said the body would be burned to ash. And that's true, but there would still be bones, and I…" Odysseus fumbles for words. "There were slash marks against the wood Aldreana. Slashes from a dagger. And scattered pieces of wood and ash trailing back to the camp. Achilles says it was the wind. But there is only so much that man believes. Please forgive me. I know that it can't be true. But I'm a fool who believes in hope." He took breath to take it all in. "Get out of Troy Aldreana, before it's too late."
He takes a step to me but I hardly notice. I suddenly envision the dreams, his body struggling within the fire, crawling to the boats. He whispers my name from the clouds. I look up to the heavens and the stars twinkling back at me, but not one can be his soul. There is an empty spot, like my brother said, that would soon be filled with the spirit of a being. But there was no spot filled with Patroclus. My heart filled with remorse for everyone I betrayed, every life I changed. But yet it swelled with a new feeling I thought never to express. I had hope and I began to believe.