20

Wednesday, Day 10

EPOV

Oh. My. God.

Those three words were the only ones I could hear in my own head all night long and with the uprising sun, they were still there. I felt like a god damned teenager last night at Bella's door and couldn't believe the fear inside of me when she called me back and wanted me to come inside with her.

I know it was my idea…and I did want it. But I never thought I could actually do it. Deep down inside me, I thought back to my love making with Tanya, and she never seemed all that excited by me…and in the end of our marriage, we didn't make love at all. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that learning all these games, tricks, and role plays made me a better lover than I was before.

I thought that women liked all these games and things…and maybe they did, for the moment…but I wanted to give Bella more. I wanted to truly make love to her, not leave her a bunch of empty scenes starring me that she would grimace remembering someday. And as soon as I suggested it, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to pull it off and that I would disappoint her terribly, not to mention embarrass myself beyond belief.

I was totally out of my league here, and I hated that. I couldn't fall back on my pretend personalities and confidant bedroom lines now…and I felt like a fucking virgin, so inept and inadequate. This would be only me making love to her now…and I never liked me. Why would she? She would surely like the fantasy me much better, wouldn't she?

I kept thinking, am I going too fast? Too slow? Hard enough? Softer? I was a shivering wreck in the beginning but Bella amazed me.

I suspect she liked it that I wasn't the cool, suave one anymore. Perhaps she liked my vulnerable side, being a lover of broken things needing repair. But she was so powerful, calm, tender, loving and guiding. And she didn't humiliate me, either, and I just loved her even more for that. She was teaching me now.

We never rushed anything…everything was slow and incredible. We didn't even get to the bed until almost an hour after we went inside. We sat on the floor and talked in the dark, just touching, still fully clothed. I never thought I'd get chills from stroking a girl's fingers…but I did. I learned Bella's whole body…not just her best parts. And she had learned mine…and we made complete, blissful, tormenting, passionate love to each other. I truly felt one with her…it was as if our souls melted into one another and now, could not be separated again, even if our bodies went their own different ways. I sound like such a girl…but it's the only way I know how to explain it.

I never felt anything like that before. It was beyond any sexual experience I'd ever known. It was almost…spiritual.

We never got to sleep. Bella had just fallen asleep a few minutes ago but my body is too charged to fall asleep right now. I feel like I could run ten miles if I wanted to.

I laid on my stomach and just stared at her, laying my cheek on my folded arms.

I can never hit on Bella's friends…I can't hurt her. I had hurt Tanya endlessly and I never got to try to apologize for any of it. I couldn't do that to Bella now.

There is a line across Bella's apartment door, too. I had crossed it last night and entered a new world…a world only she could invite me into, a world I didn't deserve permanent access to.

To hurt her now, after all her hours of trying to help save my body and mind…to leave that way…that would be another invisible red line I'd be crossing and I'd regret that forever, too. I can't keep making such stupid mistakes in my life over and over again. And I couldn't use Alice, either, not after the way she had helped Bella try to save me.

I will do it Bella's way. I will honestly tell her the truth. It may be more painful, but at least she'll know the truth. And she won't hate me. I hope. That would cripple me beyond repair, knowing that she was somewhere crying and scowling my name, loathing my memories with her.

Later that afternoon, when she woke up, I had a nice little lunch ready for her and I asked her for a nice long day of therapy. She looked surprised and a little worried that maybe I hadn't liked our special night together.

First off, I told her how life changing last night was for me…and I thanked her for her magnificent confidence and guidance, not to mention patience during it all. To her credit, she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about and told me in return how amazing I was. I decided not to argue with her on this and just left it at that. She said she enjoyed it as much as I had…but I'm sure the pleasure was mostly all mine.

I told her a lot more about the night of the fire and had bawled, embarrassed, for a long time. She sat beside me and held me and let me cry all I wanted. She even made me laugh because she had bought me a set of handkerchiefs, saying it was better than using tissues.

I told her every detail of the night I sat next to Katie in the hospital, not allowed to touch her as she cried for her Mommy, and I had to beg her not to cry because the saltwater from her tears was hurting her burnt face.

Then I gave her the visual of me screaming for the doctors to give her more painkillers and to give her something to make her sleep because my heart couldn't stand it anymore.

And then, hours later, as the sun was coming up and I was sobbing beside my sleeping daughter, Ben and Angela arrived, just in time to hear from the police that their daughter's body was found in the ruins of our apartment building and that she was gone.

I told her the terror of talking to your little girl on a cell phone, trying to stay calm and tell her how to open a stuck window while you can see the floor beneath hers blazing and crackling in the flames.

Do you know how fucked up it is…seeing a fireman holding your daughter and saying she's alright and they're coming up…and your heart flies, thinking you've been granted a miracle…and then the building explodes…and before you have a chance to look again…you can hear the fireman and your daughter howling?

Not to mention the sheer fucking agony of hearing your three year old daughter screaming in a pain they've never known, and shouldn't have to know – ever, while her body burns…and you, praying to God, screaming that the burning fireman holding her doesn't drop her in his own mind numbing torture…and that the firemen on the roof keep pulling them up as fast as they can so they can extinguish your baby girl…and the awful moments waiting after that…waiting to hear if she survived…or if she was dead.

The one moment of bittersweet joy I had that night was the fireman's voice coming back on the radio of the firefighter beside me.

"The little girl's alive!", his voice had shouted in a celebratory tone, "She's still alive!"

I relived it all…for Bella. And she never once buckled under or wanted me to stop with my morbid stories. She was there for me. How could I have even thought of hurting Bella by hitting on her friend? I wanted to vomit now just thinking about it.

I still to this day don't know how Tanya died from smoke inhalation while Katie woke up and answered the phone for me. The autopsy said she died before the fire touched her. And the cause of the fire they said was wiring problems. The nightlight tried to tell me after I tucked Katie in…but I didn't care enough to pay attention. I was stewing inside about Tanya and ignored that little sign of warning.

I kept saying I should've gotten her out…and Bella kept telling me over and over and over again that it wasn't my fault…that if it wasn't for me calling Katie on the phone…she would've died, too…and that sometimes horrible things happen. And sometimes, some good things come out of pain.

After a couple hours of talking, as Bella held my with her one arm while I laid my head on her shoulder, I finally asked.

"Do you really think my relationship with Katie is…damaged?", I asked, hating that her words still bothered me about that.

She hugged me to her tighter and took a breath.

"I sometimes think how hard this must be on her.", she said, "And it hurts me inside to put myself in her place. First, she goes through that terrifying, painful night. Then she finds out her mother is gone. Then she has to deal with the fact that she is severely burned and disfigured. I'm sure she saw pain in your eyes as you looked at her…and then the looks of nurses and doctors…I'm sure somewhere along the line…she had to have seen her own reflection. And that fireman that died saving her…maybe she feels like that's all her fault. And then, awhile later, her father leaves, too. That has to send a message to her."

"I told you why I had to leave! I didn't want to! ", I sat up and clenched my fists, staring at them instead of looking at Bella. I knew she was right…but I didn't want to.

"But no one ever told Katie why you left, did they?", she asked.

"They told her I had to go away, to work, so she could have her operations and be alright again.", I explained with a cold voice.

"Children don't always believe what they're told, Edward.", she pointed out, "Sometimes they make up their own reasons. I honestly feel…that Katie thinks you left because she was so badly burned and wasn't pretty anymore. She sees how beautiful you and her mother are…and maybe feels she isn't wanted because she lost her beauty."

"That's a bunch of shit!", I snarled, hating this. But Bella remained composed and went on.

"Or…maybe she thinks it's her fault Tanya died in the fire.", Bella said and that's something that never occurred to me before.

"Maybe she thinks if she could've waken up her mother that night, when you told her to, that she'd be alive today…and maybe she thinks…you're angry with her for not being able to do it.", Bella said and didn't speak as my legs began to tremble.

I felt ill inside…Jesus Christ, Bella could be right about this…maybe Katie does think these ridiculous things…she could be blaming herself for all this…just like I do.

I remembered her words on the phone that night when she picked up the phone…"Are you mad, Daddy?"

I raced into the bathroom and got sick right in front of Bella, not even having time to close the door behind me. I hated putting Bella through this…but she didn't run away from it…or me.

She stood behind me, stroking my hair and patting my back, saying she was sorry…sniffling and crying to herself. She waited a few minutes as I waited for my legs to strengthen enough to raise me up and she got me a towel as I weakly stood and brushed my teeth, wondering what I would say now to impress her after I had made a complete fool of myself.

But then a strange feeling came over me. I don't have to impress Bella or make her think I'm some sex God or Casinova…I can be myself with her. I haven't had that feeling for years, with any woman.

When I came back to the sofa, Bella sat beside me again and put my head back on her shoulder as she ran her fingernails through my hair, saying in a very quiet and soothing voice, "I think Katie is hurting as much as you are, Edward. And I'm sure Ben and Angela are loving people but her suffering can only end when you go to her…and explain everything…and let her know you've always loved her and always will. And that none of this is her fault. Only you can say that to her, face to face. And then, maybe the two of you can start to heal."

I wanted to go…right now…and bring Bella with me. Florida is only a couple hours away by plane. This would be my only chance to go. Victoria would never let me go visiting my daughter in Florida once my time with Bella was over. I do have four days left before I have to go back. But can I really just pop in and pop back out of Katie's life after all this time? It would hurt her more and it would certainly kill me. If I go back to see Katie, I'll never leave. And Victoria will come after me…and tell Katie what I am…and then she'll kill them…and drag me back home with her. I've seen what Victoria can do…and I'll never let her get near my daughter.

I guess I was physically showing signs of discomfort because Bella said, "Shhhh, alright…don't think about that right now. You can go to her whenever you want. Once you are ready. No one can really stop you once you're ready to go back to her."

"Can we talk about your parents a little more now?", she asked me, wanting to go from one painful subject to another.

"The Pricks?", I asked with a little anger in my voice now, not moving from Bella's shoulder, "Sure, why not? It's a fucked up kinda day, anyway."

"What exactly happened…with them and Tanya?", she asked, curiously, "I mean, you said they met her once…and didn't like her…and told you to dump her or else you were cut out of their lives? That seems a little extreme to me. What did she do that was so horrible?"

"I don't know.", I said, still as shocked now as I was then, "My parents made this beautiful dinner, or had it made, and invited us over and they both hugged me like they never hugged me before…and then I introduced them to Tanya and they looked very tense…my father looked sick!

"He covered his mouth, even and rushed out of the room. I thought they were being rude to her but my mother said I didn't understand…and she tried to be nice to Tanya but her face was like…rock! "

My father came to sit at the dining room table with us for a minute in the middle of our meal and then he jumped up again and left, saying he couldn't do this. She hardly said five words to him! "

"Then Joseph asked me to come alone to see my father in his study. That's when my father told me that he never wanted Tanya in his house again. He asked me how serious I was about Tanya and I told him I loved her…I wanted to marry her after school was over."

"He looked sick again and said I couldn't marry her and to find some other girl, any other girl. I told him to go fuck himself and he got mad and threatened if I didn't break up with her, he'd disown me…and I would be on my own from then on. And I could never come back there again."

"I couldn't believe it…I still can't. But he meant it, obviously. I got Tanya and I left…and I told my mother what Carlisle had said. She said she had to agree, and again, that I didn't understand."

"I left there and swore I'd never come back, for anything. I'd rather starve first. I waited all my life for them…waiting to get some approval or any kind of attention. Finally, it seemed like they wanted to be part of my life that night…and then they pulled that shit on me. It was just the last straw."

"That is weird.", Bella said, thinking over all I'd just told her, "Did your father know her before? It seems like…as soon as he saw her…he didn't like her."

"No, my father didn't know her before.", I frowned, wondering why Bella would think that, "They'd never met before."

"You're sure?", Bella asked.

"Yes, I'm sure.", I said, mostly sure of that.

"You don't understand….", Bella said to herself, repeating my mother's words, "There's more to it than they just didn't like her…there's something else…"

I was thinking this over as well now, and before I got very far, Bella said, "And I notice, you were a fighter back then. You told your father to go fuck himself. I wish I could get that fight back into you now."

"I'm different now, Bella.", I admitted, "I don't have any fight left in me. A lot of shit has happened to me since then."

"I know, baby, I know…", she said softly, kissing my head, "It will take time to build that up in yourself again...but you can do it."

Sure… in between my pizza deliveries and appointments with Raven…not to mention my special starring roles in the series of men in pain videos.

"Oh, Victoria, I'll be back later…I'm going to my Dr. appointment to learn to fight back against you. I won't be long."

I let out a breath and didn't want to argue with Bella right now. I hated to admit it, but I was liking therapy today. And I loved Bella's fingernails in my hair, scratching my scalp lightly.

"I know.", I said, hoping she'd leave it at that.

"And what happened when you said…you went back?", Bella asked.

"The money I got from the loan sharks restored Katie's internal organs enough so she didn't have to be in this oxygen chamber tent. She hated it in there…and then she could breathe normal air again. And I could touch her again. That was one of the best days of my life. I kissed every inch of her face and she kissed me, too."

I nearly bawled again but I held it in, clearing my throat and continuing.

I sniffed, letting a single tear go, Bella couldn't see it from her angle next to me.

Once it was time to pay those loan sharks back, I didn't know what to do. Ben and Angela were back in Florida, but I couldn't ask their help again, not after I killed their daughter and burned their granddaughter."

"Edward…", Bella growled, not liking it that I kept blaming myself.

"Besides that,", I said, "Ben's factory was having problems. He was doing all he could to save it. They make plastic hangers, I guess it's not a booming business. The sick thing is, if he made sex toys, he'd be a billionaire. God, this world sucks."

"Go on with your story, Mr. Positive.", Bella ruffled my hair.

"I almost robbed a bank.", I confessed, "I was going to use a toy gun of Katie's and go up to a teller with a note. I wrote it out and everything. But as I was walking up to the bank, I couldn't do it. I chickened out. Besides, I'd probably get caught and would either be shot or rot in jail. And I didn't want that. Katie would find out, it'd be in the paper…and it wouldn't make those guys go away that wanted their money."

"One night,", I said, "I saw those guys in the hospital…looking for my daughter's room."

I sobbed again and pushed it back.

"I don't know if they wanted to kidnap her to get me to pay them, or if they wanted to hurt her…but I didn't care. Either way, I had to get her out of there. I wrapped her up in a couple blankets and snuck her out of there. God knows how I managed to do that without anyone stopping me. But this is how fucked up the world is. No one stopped me. I could've been anyone carrying her out of there and not one person stopped me. That still pisses me off to this day!"

"The closest place to go was my parent's house.", I said blankly, "If those guys were following me…I had to hurry and get her somewhere safe…fast. So I swallowed all my stupid pride and went there. I knocked on the door and my mother answered it. I was holding Katie in my arms, thank GOD she was asleep, because my mother took one look at me and her…and nearly screamed…and slammed the door. She fucking slammed the door in my face…in Katie's face! Because Katie wasn't beautiful…or perfect! You'd think being a doctor's wife she'd be tougher, more able to handle seeing burns or sickness and disease…"

I stopped for a minute, trying to water down my hatred for my mother before getting on my father next.

"I woke Katie up when I started kicking their door, pounding on it, and yelling. I lost control of myself.", I said, feeling tears in my eyes again, "I scared Katie and she was crying while I shouted my rage and cried myself, all the while screaming at them, in a rage. I told them I didn't want to come in…but if they could just…take her and care for her in his hospital…I would owe them my life…I would do anything. My father turned on the intercom, not even man enough to show his face to me and said 'Go away, Edward. We can't help you. Take Kaitlyn far away from here…now.' And that's all he said to me. I was switched off, like I was one of the fucking help! Then I called Ben and Angela. They got on the first plane and came for her."

"Wait.", Bella tensed a moment, "They knew her name?"

"Yes.", I said.

"Edward, they knew her name.", Bella said again.

"So?"

"If you don't care about a child born to your forgotten son, then why would you know her name?", Bella asked, "Edward…I think they did…care. I don't know why they acted the way they did…but I think we're missing some of the story here."

"What story?", I asked, "They're pricks, pure and simple."

"I don't think so, Edward.", Bella stood up, looking excited about something, looking at me, "I think we need to get the whole story. If they're anything like you, they won't reveal everything all at once…but we should talk to them."

"I'm nothing like them.", I didn't like hearing that out of Bella's mouth.

"Edward…", she looked at me deeper, "Remember your trick of pushing people away?"

Remember it? I was planning on doing it to you just yesterday.

"Yea, so?", I squinted.

"I think your parents are doing the same to you…but why is what we have to find out.", she sounded like an episode of Scooby Doo.

"How're you gonna do that?", I almost scoffed.

"Call them.", she said simply, taking out her notebook, writing something.

"No, Bella.", I said through gritted teeth, "You will not call them."

"What are you so afraid of, Edward?", she stopped and put her notebook down, sitting on the floor at my feet, taking my hands into hers, her gaze full of compassion and love.

"They won't talk to you, even if you do call them.", I further warned.

She would do it, I know it. Bella would be the type to call them anyway.

"I know it hurts…their rejection of you and Tanya…and even Katie.", she said cautiously, staring up at me, rubbing her thumbs in slow circles over my hands, "But there must be more to it. Just like Katie is probably thinking the wrong things about your absence, you're probably thinking the wrong things about why your parents aren't there for you. If you talked to them, maybe you'd see it's not your fault after all. Like I said, children always think it's their fault. You're doing just that. You have to find out or you'll never get over it."

"I never wanted Katie to be alone like I was…being cared for by other people. I tried so hard to give her the family I never had. And I screwed up…and now she doesn't have me or Tanya.", I heard my voice crack.

"It's time to stop weeping over the past, Edward.", she said, her voice stronger now, "Tears don't change things, Edward. Actions do. These next four days shouldn't be wasted. You'll never get this little window of time again. Use it. Don't let it slip by. Let's take action, Edward. Let's try."

"What if things go wrong?", I asked, hating sounding so afraid and weak.

"What if things go right?", she countered with, shutting me up, "So many things have gone wrong…I have to believe that you have some right coming to you. But it's not going to fall into your lap, Edward. You have to get off your ass and fight for it. Fight for Katie, if nothing else. Let her be your armor. Stop being so afraid. I'm with you. You're not alone anymore."

I felt so scared but Bella's words made me feel braver…tougher.

Finally, after a long pause, I almost croaked out the words.

"What do we do first?", I wondered aloud.

"Tomorrow…we take a very big step.", Bella informed me with confidence, "Your parents are coming over."

"What?", I almost shouted, my eyes gaping at her.

"I called them…yesterday after you left.", she confessed, "I wanted to call someone who cares about you…and I had to call them. They are where your life began, they have to care somehow about you."

"You spoke to them?", I stood up, looking further down at her as she sat on the floor, not moving her position.

"I spoke to Joseph.", she said calmly, "I said that I thought they should come see you and talk things over. He was very nice. He agreed with me. He said he'd talk to them and let me know if they would see you. A half hour later, he called back and said they'd be here tomorrow. I was going to wait until they got here to say anything, have you blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair when they came in…but I thought, that's not fair to you. You should be prepared. I didn't want to betray your trust."

Even though I was going to betray hers when I thought of hitting on Alice. I suck. I don't deserve this girl.

"Did you tell…Joseph what I am?", I asked, praying to God she didn't.

She frowned up at me, "Absolutely not. What kind of person do you think I am? I know he's like a father to you. I even asked him and Katherine to come along, but he said that's probably not a good idea."

"Yea, my parent's wouldn't be seen going anywhere with the help!", I turned my back to her, sounding bitter again, but I couldn't help it.

"I just might need you to handcuff me to a chair when they get here.", I felt so nervous and out of sorts suddenly, and they weren't even coming today.

"I'll stand in front of the door if you try to bolt.", she smiled, "How's that?"

"Will you stay with me, Bella?", I asked, feeling like a five year old, "I don't want to be alone with them."

"If you want me to, yes.", she agreed.

"Why would they come here now?", I wondered out loud, "They never gave a shit before. They didn't even call you back themselves."

"Well, now, that's a good question to ask them when they come in.", Bella sounded like my kindergarten teacher.

"I'm not going to be nice to them, Bella.", I informed.

"That's fine.", she shrugged, "Say anything you want…whatever you're feeling is okay. You don't have to pretend. But get it all out in the open. Demand to know why they treated you that way."

"Damn right.", I heard my voice say and lots of strength oozed out of my words.

Bella stood and wrapped her arms around me, laying her cheek to my heart and she said, "I'm so proud of you, Edward. You're so much stronger than you know."

"You make me strong, Bella.", I closed my eyes, holding her closer.

"No, Edward.", she looked up at me, "You can't get your strength from me. If we get separated, you'll think you have no strength anymore. Your strength is inside YOU…don't forget that. You'll always have it…with or without me. Okay?"

I had to smile at her and fall in love with her all over again.

"Okay, Dr. Bella.", I agreed.

"Thank you, Edward.", she held me close again, "For seeing them. I know how hard it is for you."

I let out a long breath and searched for something to say in response. I didn't want to see them or even hear them, but I would do it for her, if she thought it would help me somehow. Honestly, I just thought Bella would get to witness their further hatred and rejection of me firsthand. I was steeling myself inside for their disgust and indifference…but then…why would they agree to come here?

I didn't like being so unsure and I felt nauseous knowing they would be sitting in here tomorrow, trying to act polite and explain themselves.

I knew I couldn't be rescued from Victoria's cage, even if they did show up and apologized all over the place…and I wasn't hoping for any salvation…but Bella was right about one thing. They owed me an explanation. And I would never get a chance to talk to them again. I should use these next four days to get some answers, at least.

But deep down, I was still afraid. I didn't know why but I was. I needed Bella there. How would I even be able to look at them…let alone speak to them? I could see Bella being the mediator between us and that calmed me down a lot.

"Come on, let's go take a nice walk outside.", Bella took me by the hand and smiled, knowing how the air and sun healed me.

"Thanks, Bella.", I said as we reached her apartment door, "Thanks for telling me before they got here. If you had handcuffed me and blindfolded me and then let them in…it probably would've killed me."

"I know.", she winced, "I hate that even considered doing it that way…I thought you'd be too stubborn to agree to it…but then I thought…if I did that to you…I really would be Victoria…and Raven. Doing that to you, I think would be worse than anything they ever tried with you."

"You're right.", I agreed, "So…thank you for respecting me."

"After last night, I HAVE to respect you.", she smiled that fiery little smile as she yanked me out of the apartment, and slammed the door closed after me.

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Yes, you must stay here, in Bella's apartment now until the next chapter!! LOL!!

I'm sorry to slam you guys twice in one week!!

Sorry this one was short, but next is a big chapter, so…hope this is okay for now.

Love ya!!

WinndSinger