Fort Canine
(A fort for canines. What more could your dog want? Oh ok, they can eat bloody bakers complete here. Pedigree? What about pedigree? We're not flipping Dog's Trust!)
Yes, it was morning. Morning, not mourning. Mourning is when you are deeply sad because you're pet pencil died. But why the heck did you have a pet pencil anyway? You clearly have no life if you have a pet pencil. Even if it's made by Crayola. Besides, you ate your damn pet pencil in the first place! I mean, if you want to eat stationary you just go to a restaurant and eat stationary there like everybody else. What?! Yes, it is on the menu! It's right next to the clocks and polypockets. You haven't eaten a clock before? You haven't lived. Wait; does that mean that you have eaten a polypocket before? Is it nice? I think it goes very nicely with the Mobile phone sauce. Only the sauce made of Nokia range phones though. Anyway, back to the storyline. Actually, what is the storyline? It's been so long that I can't remember. Oh yeah, some crap about magic mushrooms, blue Gyroids with orange antennae, a big castle and jaffa cakes. Ok, so now it's time to go back to the story.
Kiki and Stitches were waiting outside the big castle in Midas, waiting for the others to turn up.
Stitches: No we aren't! We're at a theme park! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
No you aren't. You're in Midas, outside a big castle.
Stitches: No, we're at a theme park. Yay.
Stop using selective memory! You're like that Sorrel woman from the feather boy book.
Mrs. Sorrel: Jump out the window boy, or I will use my SUPER LAVA HEAT BEAM OF POWERNESS!!
Boy: Well, I'll just use my MEGA SONIC CRUSHING RADAR ELECTRIC WAVE OF, err, MORE POWERNESS AND, err, TAPIRS!!
Mrs. Sorrel: Tapirs?!
Stitches: OK, OK! I will stop pretending to be at theme park (yay) if these random characters never feature in this fanfic again.
Done. Anyway, I really can't be bothered saying where Kiki and Stitches are again, so if you can't remember, please just remember somehow. So Kiki and Stitches were waiting for Bob, Pippy, Bill and George to turn up. Kiki and Stitches had been waiting for a long time, and Stitches had a cold.
Kiki: He doesn't have a cold! He's just pretending so he can have some Tunes!
Stitches: Mmmmmm Tunes… with blackcurrant, Menthol and a special ingredient know as Rosie's cat.
Suddenly, Rosie came and started running around in circles and causing it to rain flamingos, and then she stopped and stared at Stitches through glassy eyes.
Stitches: Don't worry; your cat isn't really in this tune.
Rosie sighed with relief, and then she was gone.
Kiki: I wonder if the others are ever going to turn up.
Bill: We're already here!
Bill and the others had been creeping up on Kiki and Stitches this whole time. Well, they would have been if this Fanfic made slightly more sense. Actually they had been trapped in a dohjvoiilvvnivuhrjnhrhkl of the oMa-gloMa sphere that was right outside of Fort Canine.
Kiki: What the hell is a dohjvoiilvvnivuhrjnhrhkl of the oMa-gloMa sphere?!
You don't know? Wait a second…….. oh crap. I missed out that chapter about how Aladdin's peacock discovered the dohjvoiilvvnivuhrjnhrhkl of the oMa-gloMa sphere. Well…. just forget about that then. So, the group nervously shuffled into the castle's entrance hall, which was gloomy and damp.
Bill: You know, we may all die in this castle.
Pippy: George and I can die together!
Bill: This castle looked huge from the outside, and we don't know our way around. We are going to get lost, and then we going to either fall into some chasm, die of starvation or get invited to one of Michael Jackson's sleepovers for little boys.
Bob: Relax Bill. At the end of this hall there will be a big tourist information sign with a big map on it.
Bill: Oh yeah, of course there will be! That's really likely.
Stitches: Can we buy something from the gift shop before we go looking for Butch?
Kiki: Sure, why not Stitches.
Bill: Oh yeah, this castle of doom definitely has a gift shop. I bet there's a flying pig too!
A few minutes later the group were trying to find the gift shop on the tourist map while a winged pig swooped and dived overhead and Bill continually whacked his head off the tourist information sign and said words that were as colourful as a box of tasty Crayola.
Kiki: There's the gift shop! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Then everyone dashed towards the gift shop, except for Bill, who plodded slowly.
Another few minutes later everyone was out of the gift shop. Kiki and had bought a badge that said, "I can do it too, with Kandoo!" on it.
Kiki: I swear I didn't realise that Kandoo was a brand of children's toilet wipes when I bought this badge! I thought it was popular yoga class.
Bob had bought some jam, bread and a crappy PS3.
Bob: This isn't a PS3, it's a toaster! I have better taste than that.
Sorry. The PS3 does look like a toaster though. Pippy had bought some candy hearts.
Pippy: I wanna find one that says "I love you on it" then give it to George! Let me see…. "Suck on my…." Wait a second, I think I accidentally bought the playboy edition candy hearts.
Moving swiftly forward, George had bought a chew toy.
George: Seriously, I'm going to give this to my dog. Not experiment on it in an attempt to work out the secret ingredient in Bakers complete.
Bob: You don't have a dog. You chose to use your money to buy a chew toy experimentation laboratory instead.
George: Shut up Bob…..
Stitches had bought one of those pens that play a sound clip when you press them. It had a clay-coloured gyroid on top.
Stitches: Listen to my pen, Bill.
Pen: Would you like some jaffa cakes?
Bill: Yes please!
Pen: Ha-ha, I ate them. You wanker.
Bill: That pen is annoying.
Kiki: So, now we've been to the gift shop, I believe we need to get to the top of the castle. There are supposed to be a cruelly long, hard, steep staircase somewhere round about here. It leads to "The three deadly trails."
Bob: Here are the stairs!
Bob was pointing to a winding stone staircase, which had a comfy looking lift next to it.
Stitches: Well, I'm taking the lift.
Kiki: Ok, but the others are taking the stairs with me, the good old-fashioned way!
Pippy: Why should we?
Kiki: Because otherwise I'll PWN you!
Stitches: Ok, well, bye! Oh wait, Kiki, my pen has something to say to you.
Pen: Would you like some jaffa cakes?
Kiki: Well, ok.
Pen: Ha-ha, I ate them. You wanker.
Kiki: I hate that pen.
Then Stitches got into the lift and the lift doors slid shut. The others started to climb the stairs. An hour later, they were still climbing the damn stairs, and the spirit of SpongeBob Squarepants was haunting them.
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick!
Bob: I can't take it anymore!
Pippy: I fancy George!
Bill: I'm exhausted.
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick!
Kiki: Stop complaining!
George: I don't fancy Pippy!
Bob: Life's not worth living anymore!
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick!
Pippy: Fine, I don't fancy George anymore!
Kiki: Please, stop complaining!
Bill: Pippy, you do so fancy George!
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick!
Pippy: Do not!
Bob: Kill me now!
Bill: Do so!
Kiki: STOP COMPLAINING!!
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick! Hey Patrick!
Pippy: Yeah, I do fancy George.
Octorok: Chedda cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!!
Pen: Would you like some jaffa cakes?
SpongeBob: I'm fine, but Garry would like some.
Pen: Ha-ha, I ate them. You wanker.
SpongeBob: Now Gary will go hungry! Nooooooooooooooooooo!!
Then SpongeBob turned into a pineapple. Perhaps one under the sea. Then Bob ate the pineapple.
Bob: What? I ran out of jam!
Kiki: How the heck did that pen go of when Stitches isn't here?!
Bill: That question may never be answered.
Then the group reached the top of the stairs, where Stitches was waiting. Without the pen.
Stitches: I've re-written the bible in the time you've been taking. What took you so long?
Kiki: We had to climb these stupid stairs. Read some of your bible.
Stitches: Ok. "The pie fairy then saw that the land was bland, and it was not good. So the pie fairy did disendeth to the earth, and it was good. She created forests, and it was good. She created oceans, and it was good. She created jaffa cakes and it was gooooooooooooood!
Kiki: Well that was crap.
Bill: Shouldn't we get on with "The three deadly trials?"
Pippy: Aaaaaaah!! Save me George!!
George: What the…
To be continued…
Sorry that chapter took so long. I hope it was funny enough to make up for it!