Time had passed. Of that, I was certain, if of nothing else. How had been possible for me to be so obtuse before? Had I never noticed just how cruel time was, especially to my kind? My days and nights had merged; there was no distinct separation between light and dark in my world any longer. Time was wreathed in shadow and it took great delight in dancing past, in torturing, mocking and teasing me. Time was the single thing that I was aware of. I did not measure it as I had done before, nor did I forget it completely but years, months, weeks, days had all lost their significance. It could have been any day of the week, any month of the year and any old year in eternity.
To me, time was how long I had gone without seeing Bella. One month had passed since our parting and I knew due to the torture of each and every day. Thirty of those had passed, long and miserable. I had not counted them consciously but every inch of my being, every last thought was holding on to time. I had remained strong for thirty days, each morning forcing myself to make it through another twenty-four hours, no distractions powerful enough to waver my focus for even a second. Every night, I had sat through the darkness, only to find the dawn's light dispiriting and insignificant. Thirty times, my brain had ordered for my tolerance, to put up with the agony. Then, I could not stand it for any longer. It only took a couple of days to make my plans.
It felt strange, surreal, to stand in the airport alongside normal humans. Just gazing upon their flushed cheeks as they hurried frantically for flights made me ache to see Bella again. I would not have to wait long. My month was up. I was not strong enough to stay away, I had proved that to myself. Perhaps if I begged, Bella would agree to let me back into her life. Perhaps not. At least I would be able to see her, to know that she was safe, happy.
Why had I ever left in the first place? For Bella, of course. But even my willpower was starting to crumble at the thought that she might not be moving on either. I would allow myself to wallow in pity, in darkness, in pain, for the rest of forever but Bella could not be permitted to live such a life. Her happiness was too important. I needed to see her, to evaluate the situation for myself. Only that way could I determine what the best course of action was. I, even though I had known how deeply and truly I loved Bella, could never have dreamed of the effect that our parting would have. My immense depression was far more agonising than I'd guessed. I could and would tolerate it but if Bella was unhappy too, where did that leave us? I had left to give her a better life but I needed her so much that nothing could stop me from returning.
"Can I help you?" The woman at the desk smiled politely at me. In her mind, she was entertaining far less appropriate thoughts. I had not missed being around humans in general, for that very reason. Their minds were often so vulgar and immature. Without a word, I handed over my passport and travel documents, blocking her further thoughts from my mind.
"Enjoy the flight." I nodded politely and accepted my documents. Trying not to walk away too quickly, I strode off towards the gate. My pain would not ease until I saw Bella's face but it was beginning to subside. Very slightly.
My flight was not due to leave for another hour, which meant that I had time alone with my thoughts. At the present, that was not a desirable set of circumstances. To keep myself from further pining for Bella, I instead turned my mind to how I could occupy myself until I arrived in Forks.
Phoning any of my family was out of the question. They would be ecstatic at the news of my return but for some unknown reason, I did not want to share my decision with them. Alice may have seen it but hopefully would not reveal my whereabouts to Esme and Carlisle until I chose to tell them. Putting my family through any further pain was inexcusable. Their continued involvement in the situation would only render it that much more difficult for them. I let my mind drift back to the night that I had announced my decision...
Alice had been the first to speak. I noticed, despite my depression, that her voice was unnaturally high.
"You're not really going to go through with this, Edward." Alice had not sounded very convinced of that, however much she told herself that I would not be able to leave.
"What do you see, Alice?" I replied coldly. Alice's expression became blank for a second or two.
"I see you leaving, for now at least. But you'll change your mind. It won't last. You can't stay away from her." I shook my head, furiously.
"The future won't change now. This is what I'm doing. It's the only way." Esme's head was bowed. "Esme, there's nothing else I can do to save her." I explained, feeling even more angry. I didn't want to have to justify my decision. It was going to be hard enough, without the added knowledge that all of my family were against it. I glanced at Carlisle, seeking support. If he was opposed, then my task had just become that much harder. He met my eyes.
"I will support whatever decision you make, Edward." I was grateful for that and was trying to avoid thinking of what I was going to have to do. I would never be able to convince my family to leave Forks if they could see the hesitation in my eyes, read the doubt and sadness in my expression. With a straight face, I looked around at everyone.
"You need to leave tonight." I told them, sorrow starting to slip into me. I was severing the first bonds between the Cullens and Forks, between myself and Bella.
Alice laughed, a high musical note. She exchanged a glance with Emmett and Rosalie. I glared at her. Didn't she think that it was painful enough for me, without her constant resistance?
"Come on, Edward! Cut the melodrama, please! We've had too much of that recently." Alice spoke playfully.
"Melodrama? Melodrama?" I repeated, past fury now. I was literally seething. "You think I'm being melodramatic now? Do you think what happened was nothing? Don't you realise how..." I could not keep my voice from shaking. "...dangerous our world is for Bella? I cannot put her through this again. I WILL NOT."
Alice shook her head, refusing to listen. "I know you, Edward. You won't be able to stay away, even if you do leave. So you may as well cut out the drama and stay in Forks. And maybe send Jasper and me hunting next time Bella comes round." Alice giggled and nudged Jasper. He looked down, ashamed. I swallowed, trying not to lose it completely. Alice went far beyond annoying sometimes.
"There won't be a next time, Alice. Bella will not be endangered again." Alice scowled.
"You're so pathetically stubborn, Edward. And come to think of it, so is Bella. I can't exactly picture her letting you walk away without a fuss. She's even more melodramatic than you!" I couldn't argue with that.
"STOP!" I shouted, snarling at Alice. "Don't you think that this is hard enough for me without you trying to talk me out of it? Do you think that I want to leave...Forks? But I can't think about myself now. Bella's life is constantly being endangered, because of me. Because of what I am."
"Send me away from my best friend then." Alice muttered, as she sat down at the long table. "Don't let us see her again. Leave Bella here and let us move as far away as possible." Her sarcasm was impossible to miss.
"That's exactly what I plan to do." I took a deep breath and stared around the room. "You need to leave. Everyone. Tonight. I'll stay here for a few days and...sort things out." It hurt beyond belief just to imagine it. I winced slightly. Alice jumped at my reaction.
"And when Edward can't do it, we'll move back and laugh about all of this. Jaz, if we book a hotel room for the week, it will probably be better than actually moving all our stuff to a new house." Alice sounded triumphant. She had no idea that I was actually going to go through with my plans. I had to. For Bella.
"Alice," Carlisle started. She jumped up, gracefully, still happy.
"Do you want me to phone that great hotel in Alaska?" Alice chirped. "Can I drive?" Carlisle stopped her.
"Alice, we are going to listen to Edward." She looked at him, incredulously.
"Oh, come on! We all know that Edward's never going to leave! He loves her too much!"
"Alice, this is what Edward has chosen. Please respect his decision." She stood up, sharply and glared at me.
"I'll see you, Edward." Alice snapped and stepped out of the open window. We all heard the unmistakable sound of branches snapping in the forest. I couldn't let her leave without making sure she understood me clearly.
"ALICE!" I shouted into the night. The snapping halted.
"What?" Alice snarled at me, her voice echoing through the darkness.
"I don't want you to interfere in Forks once I've gone. Any of you." Alice sprang up so that she was balanced on branch and our faces were level, just two hundred feet apart.
"I won't ignore you." Alice promised, her tone still sharp. "But the second that you give in, I'll be on the next plane to Forks. I'll keep my word as long as you keep yours."
And she vanished into the darkness once again.
Author's Note: Thanks for all the great reviews!!! Yes, this chapter is short but it's going to be part one of two chapters, both entitled 'Succumbing'. I just wanted to end this here and start the next one in a different way. It should be up in the next day or two. I've got all weekend with nothing to do but French hw so I'm sure part 2 will get posted!!
Love everyone who reviews!!! =) =)
El Leon Y La Oveja XXxxXX