What exactly did the word 'life' intimate? Was the state of being alive designated by the subject's ability to breathe, to move around, to think? In that case, I was definitely alive. But what if life meant more than that? If life, by definition ought to involve some sort of purpose, enjoyment, quality, then I could state without a doubt that I was one hundred percent dead.

Maybe the word 'dead' had other implications too. Perhaps I was overlooking some fundamental life force that was enough to brand me as living. A dead state was one in which a person was no longer able to do anything that was open to him/her whilst they had been alive. They were absent, missing from the world. I was no longer able do to anything that I had once enjoyed and I was certainly not a part of normal society. So I was, by all definitions, dead. It struck me that I'd been dead, officially for over one hundred years already. My current state was merely an addition to the undead and unnatural creature that I was. Cold, pale and immortal were not traits connected to life as far as most people were concerned. My life was different to any other idea of life or death because somehow, for whatever reason, those two states had connected within me. I was the living dead, an immortal monster walking the Earth. My appearance had reflected that all along but my entire being had only just been matched to my exterior. I now felt that I truly was dead, as well as looking it.

I saw little purpose for my existence now. The sole reason for my survival, ever since last spring, had been Isabella Swan. Now that she was no longer a part of my life, life was hardly worth living. I could not be allowed to see her, ever again and I had accepted that fact. That did not mean, however, that I was happy with that choice, that I wanted to keep away from Bella. Of course I wanted to see her. Every single day, I yearned just to gaze upon her face, to be able to talk to her, to be able to be with her. And all those things, I could never do.

If I was honest with myself, I was waiting for one thing. One event that I knew would snap me into action, one way or another. In seventy or eighty years, Bella would no longer be alive in the same world as I. The thought sent pain cascading throughout my body. In eighty years time, I would not have an excuse to stay away because there would be nothing to stay away from. But there was also something else that I knew. Whether or not I was with Bella, I could not live in a world where she didn't exist. I could force myself to stay alive now, to stay away because I knew that Bella was still living in Forks. Everything that I did now, I was still doing it for her safety, because I loved her. When Bella was no longer here, there would be no reason at all for me to exist. And so I planned to follow her into the unknown of true death as soon as I could. I knew exactly what I would do and I had eighty years to wait out before that release came.

In those eighty years, I would pay my penance.

My phone rang in my pocket and I forced myself to answer it, desperate for something to break into my depression. I didn't even check the number. Afterwards, I wished that I had.

"Hello?" My voice sounded strange. I hadn't used it for a while. I hadn't heard many voices at all, come to think of it. I'd been trying to block out those in my head too, merely for something to do, for a way to pass the time.

The voice that answered nearly caused me to hang up. But then I decided that I could use the distraction.

"Oh, hello, Edward." Rosalie's voice sounded sarcastic, as if she hadn't expected me to answer. "Long time, no see. Or hear, actually. Perhaps I should have said long time, nothing." I sighed, loudly enough so that she'd hear me. I didn't need her sniping, on top of everything else.

"What is it, Rosalie?" I couldn't force any enthusiasm into my tone.

"What are you doing?"

"Sitting."

"I didn't mean now." Rosalie replied, frustrated. "I meant, what are you doing with your life?" I hadn't expected that question. It threw me off guard slightly. What was I going to do?

"I don't know." I answered truthfully. Let her make of that whatever she wanted.

"Come home," Rosalie replied. It was more of an order than a request. "Everyone's really missing you and it's driving me crazy. Even Emmett's miserable most of the time. You should see him!" I felt instantly guilty. Over the months, I 'd hardly spared any thoughts for my family.

"I can't do that." I knew that I'd never be able to cope with being around everyone else. It would be even more painful.

"You're so selfish!" Rosalie hissed at me. I was utterly bemused. Wasn't my great attempt not to be selfish exactly what had resulted in me sitting here, longing to be able to fulfill my wishes, knowing that I never could?

"What have I done?" I asked her, genuinely wondering how I could have upset Rosalie. I'd hardly spoken to her for months. I couldn't even remember if I'd spoken to her since I'd left Forks.

"You honestly don't know?" Rosalie's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"What is it?" I was starting to get impatient. Was Rosalie being deliberately malicious?

"Edward, I haven't spoken to you for two months! Don't you care about your family anymore?"

"You know that I do," I told her. "It's a hard time right now. Can't you see that?"

At that, she exploded.

"THAT'S RIGHT, EDWARD, JUST TURN IT AROUND ON ME!" Rosalie was screaming down the phone. "Don't you EVER think of Carlisle and Esme? Don't you know how unhappy they are without their favourite son? No one reacted so badly when Emmett and I left for a few years! Everyone was doing fine before Alice and Jasper showed up! But the second that you leave, the entire family sink into some kind of depression. Even Alice isn't as...Alice as she normally is! She swears that you're coming home soon but we can't see that. And you don't speak to any of us from one month to the next. If that's not selfish, I don't know what is!"

I hung up abruptly. Rosalie had left me in an even worse state than before. She was right. I was being unbelievably selfish. I instantly felt guilty and ashamed for having treated my family so poorly. Rosalie was right to be angry. I could only imagine how upset everyone else would be. I hadn't tried to hear any of their thoughts for a long time, not wanting to cause anyone further distress in any way. I should have known that the only way to determine their happiness or lack of it, would be to listen to their thoughts and see for myself. None of them, aside from Rose would have truly explained to me how my departure had affected everyone else.

In a split second, I searched for the voices of my family. What I heard in their thoughts was enough. I blocked them all, before I had to endure anything more.

Every thought was of me. That made me feel even worse, for having doomed my family to the same depression that I was suffering.

The phone rang once again and I checked that it was Rosalie before answering.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I went too far..."she apologised as soon as I answered. Perhaps she had been more upset than I 'd realised. Had Rosalie really minded that I hadn't spoken to her for months?

"But it was the truth." I told her.

"What do you mean?"

"I listened to their thoughts," I explained, feeling another rush of pain as I remembered what I'd heard. And as much as I tried to block them out, they'd still be there, in the back of my mind. "I heard what you told me."

"We...we all miss you, Edward." It must have taken Rosalie a great effort to share her feelings freely with me and I appreciated it.

"I should come home," I realised, out loud. "What is there to gain by staying away?"

"Everyone would love that." Rosalie sounded honestly glad. "And maybe you'll be able to... move on?" A sharp pain stabbed my ribs and I inhaled quickly.

"I...don't think that will ever happen." I sensed, rather than heard Rosalie's sudden understanding.

"You really loved her, didn't you?" she asked sadly. More pain. It was difficult to keep myself composed.

"Could we...not talk about... that now?" I didn't want to break down whilst on the phone to Rosalie.

"So, you'll come home?" she questioned me. "Don't feel that you have to, if you..." she trailed off.

I could at least try to return. It was the least that I could do for my family. I wasn't living life for myself now, anyway. Why not live it for everyone else? For Bella, for my love and for my family. In that order, regrettably. I had vowed, long ago, that Bella would have to come first and to that, I would remain faithful, whether or not she knew it. I could still give her things without her realising that she'd ever received them. Besides, even if Bella didn't want me to be happy after what I'd done to her, she would definitely not want my family to suffer. She'd grown close to them, come to regard them as her own family and it was one of my deepest regrets that I'd been forced to take them away from her. If there was any way that I could have left the remainder of my family in Forks, I would have done. But if I had done that, Bella would never have been able to heal. I wondered, in two months, how far had she moved on? Either way, it would kill me to know the answer. I was extensively thankful for the first time, that I could not read her mind. I had no idea which would have been worse, to know that she was still hurting over me or to know that she had moved on with her life and forgotten our wonderful memories. But moving on was not an option that was available to me. Vampires didn't forget. Ever.

"Edward? Are you still there?"

Rosalie's unnaturally timid voice reminded me that I had a decision to make.

"Will you come home, Edward?"

My phone buzzed in my hand, no doubt revealing a new message from Alice. She knew what I'd chosen but I did not. I removed the phone from my ear and glanced down at the little screen. Sure enough, Alice had sent me a message. Was I going to return or not? I couldn't decide. Both options were pulling me in opposite directions. If I said no to Rosalie, everything was likely to get much worse for me. But if I said yes, I could find myself unable to cope living the life that would serve as a reminder to what had happened. As if I could ever forget anyway.

I opened Alice's message and saw exactly which path I would take...