I stood outside the front door, the newly polished wood smooth and warm beneath my frozen knuckles. I took deliberate care not to dent the antique panelling with the force of my knock. A few soft taps would suffice; my hand had hardly brushed against the wood when I heard the sound echoing throughout the hall. I guessed that the inside of the entrance hall was covered in Esme's favourite old-fashioned wood. That would explain the reverberation of my knock.

From the outside, the house was not immediately similar to any previous homes that my family had owned but upon careful inspection, it became apparent that it had been renovated by the Cullens. After over eighty years of living with her, I could easily recognise Esme's touch upon any building. The obvious sign, invisible to most humans, was the Cullen family crest engraved lightly above the doorway. It went unnoticed by most, if not all humans as their eyes usually skated over the intricate details which had been carved so gently. I could only think of one human who had ever seen the crest and that was because I had pointed it out to her...no, don't think about that, Edward.

Sharp pains stabbed at my insides as soon as the thought swam into my mind. Reminders of lost love were not welcome in my thoughts any longer. If I was to keep away but keep sane at the same time, there was no way in which I could ever entertain thoughts of a certain human again. It was simply impossible. I could control my own mind, could I not? The pain that had washed over me was reminiscent of Jane's torture. True, I had never experienced it firsthand but I had heard the thoughts of others while they were being subjected to the sensation. Just the illusion that caused them pain was enough for me; I had suffered enough as I saw their minds. I had no wish to undergo that treatment myself. The pain that I felt now was far worse than what I imagined that Jane could do and so I needed to avoid it at all costs. I had to keep my emotions under control.

The door swung open as I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind of any remaining unpleasant thoughts. To clear my mind in fact, would have been impossible- there were memories within that I couldn't forget and never wanted to- but I couldn't afford to dwell upon them. It would be more realistic to say that I pushed those specific thoughts to the back of my mind and left them to cluster there. I was more than slightly trepidatious that there would come a point when all those memories would refuse to linger in the dark for any longer and that they would burst into the front of my mind once more, consequently halting my nonchalance and attempted calm. Regarding this inevitable occurrence, I was unsure of two things. Firstly, how long it would take my mind to explode with pain and my concealed agonies. Would I last one hundred years or two weeks? Closer to the latter, I presumed pessimistically. Secondly, what would I do when I was overrun by hurt and regret once more? To that question, I had no answer. I would have to find out when the time came and judging by my slipping walls, the time was likely to come sooner rather than later.

I was instantly surprised as soon as I saw who was standing in the doorway. As far as my assumptions had gone, I had expected Esme or Carlisle to be the member of my family most anxious to greet me. After all that I had heard in their thoughts, they seemed to be delighted to have me back, although they too had their worries about how long any happiness of mine could last. I didn't want to correct them and explain that happiness was certainly not on my mind; I was merely playing the role of someone who lived a normal life for as long as I could force myself to.

Rosalie practically jumped out of the doorway and pulled me into a tight embrace so quickly and genuinely that I wouldn't have believed it to be her if I hadn't seen her standing in front of me just seconds before. She released me after a few moments and once the initial shock had worn off, I looked at her curiously.

Go on then, gloat, Rosalie told me in her thoughts. For some reason, I did actually miss you.

Something in her face caused a few buried memories to stir. I closed my eyes for a second, suppressing them once more. How many more times would I have to do that?

"Are you alright?" Rose asked me, honestly concerned. The change in her was astounding. I'd never have believed that she could possibly understand me, empathise with me or even desire my company. Yet here we were.

"As alright as I'll ever be, I'm afraid." I told her. My honesty was going to have to stop if I ever wanted to keep some kind of composure in front of my family.

"Before everyone else comes downstairs...I asked them...I just wanted to say..." Rose broke off and glanced down at her feet. She had deliberately blocked her thoughts.

"What?"

"I needed to say to you...mainly because I never did..."

"To say...?" I asked her quietly. No doubt that the rest of my family were listening in anyway.

"I never told you how sorry I am about what happened. It's not that I really cared for Be...well, you know what I mean. But I hated seeing you so unhappy. I'm so sorry if I played any part in that."

I had to struggle to block out Rosalie's thoughts. She was, without realising, replaying graphic images of that fateful birthday party. But it was worse looking at everything through her perspective. Rosalie had spent most of the evening homed in on the one human in the room, jealous of her ability to grow old, hating her for wanting to throw it all away. Rosalie's thoughts recalled Jasper's lapse of control with precision and accuracy. Every sound, every expression, every movement was flashing through her mind like a horror film. I quickly distracted myself from her thoughts. The stabbing hurt was working its way into my ribcage now and I was finding movement very painful, almost as if I were frozen in one position.

"I'll never bring it up again." Rosalie whispered, her perfect face contorted with her fear and anguish. Her thoughts were running wild; she was scared that she'd gone too far. She realised that it was unwise to have mentioned anything at all. I didn't trust my voice enough to speak so I just nodded.

"Twenty bucks please, Emmett," a cheerful voice from behind Rosalie announced. With a grin spread wide over her pixie features, Alice joined Rosalie at the door.

"That was cutting it pretty close, Edward," Alice complained. "Another week and I might actually have lost money."

"Someone remind me never to bet against this little terror again." Emmett growled in mock fury as he threw a note at Alice. She caught it in one swift motion and laughed.

Long time no see. Emmett thought. I'd ask how you've been but I've never been one for the clichés. And it would be pretty insensitive, he added as an afterthought.

"Nice to have you back, little brother" was Emmett's official greeting. I forced myself to smile. Alice leaned forward and grabbed my arm.

"You'll love what Esme's done with the house. Come and see it."

Alice was jubilant as she pulled me into the hallway. As I opened up my mind to everyone else's thoughts, practically a natural action when I walked through my front door, I heard everyone's minds at once.

Why is Alice taking such a relaxed attitude towards all of this? Psychics have it so easy. Rosalie was clearly still feeling unhappy about what had happened to our family. Her foul moods were a cover-up for what she was really feeling. After knowing her for so long, I could read her like a book, even without additional skills.

I've finally got someone to go hunting with. Emmett's mind was so refreshing. He never kept any secrets; anything that he thought would be bound to come out of his mouth at some time. I wonder if Edward could take down that many grizzlies in less than five minutes. Typical Emmett. I would have laughed, if my mood hadn't been so false. Everything about me was a front that I had to display to everyone. In fact, I'd been putting on an act for so long that it was almost second nature to me. There was only one person who I'd ever been able to be myself with but that was over now. Time for the phantom to put his mask back on.

Esme and Carlisle were waiting at the foot of a huge staircase. The carved banisters were exactly to my taste and I knew from Alice's thoughts that she'd had something to do with that. I'd have to remember to thank her later. Esme's silent greeting reached me first.

Welcome home, Edward. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. How we've all missed you. I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilt when I saw her face light up. One person shouldn't affect a family so much. I hesitated for a second, deliberately blocking Carlisle's thoughts. There was so much that I wanted to tell him, so much that I needed to hear in return.

I was almost certain that I could count on Carlisle to say the right thing but if I heard something that accidentally slipped from his mind, I knew that it would affect me far more than anyone else's thoughts. I realised of course, how I had hurt my family during my extended absence but I could hardly bear to hear any evidence of that in the thoughts and memories of my family. I was a cowardly creature; I knew how I would shy away from any memories of the suffering that I had caused them. But any reminder of the hurt that I must have caused Carlisle would be too awful for me to endure. To cause any of my family pain was inexcusable, especially Esme but my creator, my father, was the one of the two beings on this Earth that I had vowed to myself that I would never cause to suffer again, after I had hurt them once. I had already broken one of those vows. The only unbroken promise now lay with Carlisle and although I was sure that I had hurt him in what I'd done, I could survive if I didn't receive knowledge of what I'd caused him. To see that I'd hurt him again would be too painful, agony beyond words. I had already massacred the heart of the one other person who I loved more than anything and to inflict suffering upon Carlisle too would convince me of the fact that I was an unlovable monster.

In Carlisle's mind there was not a clear message or single thought. He was concentrating very hard on a story. At first, I wondered if he was trying to block me from his mind. Carlisle hardly ever concealed his thoughts from me and certainly never at a time like this. Was he worried that I wouldn't be able to cope with his emotions? Did he know me better than I knew myself? After all the decades, that was highly likely. I probed further into his thoughts and then realised what he was doing.

I'd always known how much cleverer Carlisle was than the rest of us even, as Rosalie often put it, more so than perfect Edward. In Carlisle's mind, there were no hidden messages of welcome, there was merely a parable from the Bible. Once Carlisle had thought it through fully, he addressed a silent message to me.

I have never had a full understanding of that story until now.

With that one thought, I realised that Carlisle had forgiven me for everything. I didn't deserve someone as compassionate and forgiving as he.

If there was one person who I wished that I could let into my mind, it would have been Carlisle, without a doubt. He was the most accepting of my gift and was never once frustrated with me for the lack of privacy that I gave everyone. It wasn't easy to share everything with him, especially at a time like this. If my thoughts were in the mind of another, I couldn't imagine a mind more desirable than Carlisle's. I was sure that my pain would have been slightly eased if I knew that someone else was able to see what I was going through, if I knew that I wasn't alone.

But I knew, even though I was surrounded by those whom I loved the most, that I was alone. Completely alone.