"Honestly, it won't be a problem," Alice assured Carlisle. "I can see that." Carlisle did not look convinced and I knew the reason for his concerns, or rather, concern. It took me a great effort just to lift my head.

"It's fine." I muttered quietly. Apparently not quietly enough. I felt six pairs of eyes staring at me. With six sets of thoughts to match the people.

For Aro's sake, what does it matter now? He's home. No one told me that we weren't allowed to carry on living...or whatever we do... Rosalie was starting to become irritated by the amount of attention that I was receiving. Attention that I could have done without. I wished that everyone would simply leave me alone.

Why can't everyone chill out? Would it be a stupid idea to suggest hunting tonight? I would have warned Emmett not to, had I been in a better mood. As it was, I just let his intentions pass me by. If I wasn't so attuned to his thoughts, or anyone else's for that matter, I would have completely blocked them. I was definitely not trying to hear anyone's mind. It took more effort than I could spare. Perhaps I could be grateful that it was almost a natural reflex to me. Grateful...could I be thankful for anything that had happened to me in the last century? I was beginning to wonder if everything had been a huge mistake. Maybe I had never been destined for this life. Should I have died? That was a welcome thought at the present.

I shouldn't have said anything. I bet Edward's really annoyed with me. Jasper, as it had become so customary for him over the last few months, was blaming himself for bringing the subject up. Had I been in his shoes, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it but then again, Jasper and I were very different. And he shouldn't have to suffer due to my bad choices. None of them should...but yet they were.

"Edward?" Esme broke into Jasper's thoughts. I nodded, feeling too numb and dead to bother replying verbally.

"Are you sure that you're okay with this?" I nodded once more, praying that they would leave me alone. I knew that Esme was just trying to be kind, as she always was. But I didn't have the energy to respond to my family.

"I'm just going to get some fresh air." I told them as I made my way from the room. I had to get away from them.

Outside, I started running. What was the matter with me? Why couldn't I stand being in the same room as my family anymore? How did Esme even manage to aggravate me? She was kindest and most loving of all of my family so why was I having such a negative reaction to any kind of contact with her, with any of them?

Vampires, in general, did not experience drowsiness as we had no need of sleeping. I had never however, felt so emotionally and mentally exhausted as I did then. I was tired of everything, of company, of hunting, of life. There was nothing that could occupy my mind. Reading didn't even capture my attention for a minute. I had thrown my iPod out of the window a few days ago, out of mere frustration. Every single song seemed to taunt me, haunt me, remind me. I couldn't bear living in a world that held those memories. I didn't even think that I could survive them for much longer. And what would be my death? A return? Never. Even in my darkest moments, in the most despondent of days, did I consider going back. That was the one path that I could never take. On this Earth, I would have imagined that I would be able to find something to interest me, some place to go where I could feel that I belonged.

It was not until I stopped that I realised where I was.

Alaska.

In front of me was Tanya's house. I hadn't ever made a conscious decision to visit there but I presumed that it was mostly instinctual. Whenever I couldn't face my life at home, whenever any of us couldn't, we tended to run to Tanya. It wasn't due to her that we chose Alaska, it was mainly the location that was inviting to vampires. Also, the journey to her residence was usually a welcome escape from whatever problems we were running from; it gave us time to think.

Before I could even knock on the door, Kate was standing outside. I blinked at her, not having expected to have to face company so soon.

"Edward." It was not the standard greeting that I usually received from the Denali sisters. Someone had obviously been in contact with them. I guessed Rosalie.

"Hello Kate." My voice sounded rusty, unused as if I'd forgotten how to speak. Kate gave me a strange look.

Gosh, Rose was right, she thought. He looks absolutely terrible. I would have blushed, had I been able to.

"Edward...it's been a while." I could think of nothing to say to that and it seemed that was as far as her welcome was going to go. Kate studied my face for a few moments while we stood outside her front door in silence.

"I...heard about...what happened. In Forks..." Kate trailed off when she saw my expression.

"Please don't." I whispered, in agony. I couldn't control my emotions if I met any reminder of what had happened. I never wanted to uncover those memories again. They were far too torturous to dwell upon, even for a split second.

"Sorry."

Wow, he is completely torn up about this. Rose could have given me a bit more warning. Thank God that Alice had the sense to call us. At least Tanya was able to kick her little boyfriend out...seeing them wouldn't have done Edward any favours...Tanya can't keep her hands off him. Kate's mind was reeling. Obviously Alice had seen me on my way to Alaska, knowing full well where I was going before I did. I was grateful that she had phoned ahead. I doubted that the Denali sisters were in the mood for my dismal company. I regretted bestowing myself upon anyone, even for an hour because I knew how unpleasantly I was likely to behave. I didn't plan on staying for long, at least, I didn't think I did but my mind could change in one moment and Alice would be the first to know.

"Katie, where are your manners? Are you going to stand out there on the doorstep all night?"

I looked up at the sky and indeed, it was darkening. Tanya strolled through the doorway and leant casually against the frame.

"Look who's arrived," she greeted me, playfully. "I was wondering if the Cullens were going to drop another visit on us sometime soon. Now you're living much closer, you know it's very rude not to drop in now and then, don't you?" Tanya winked but I could see the hesitation in her face and read it in her thoughts.

Is Edward even in there anymore? He actually looks dead...well, for a vampire, I suppose that's not exactly hard but even so...I can't see that sparkle in his eyes anymore. Wait a minute, his eyes are BLACK! Has he been hunting in the last month?

"Edward?" Tanya stepped forward, concern on her face. "You...you're so...your eyes...when was the last time you went hunting?" I shrugged, not in a rude or dismissive manner but in a way that told her that I honestly didn't know, that I hadn't even been keeping track.

Geez, he must have about as much self-control as Carlisle, Kate thought incredulously. How does he manage to pull that off? I'd been slaughtering men in their sleep if I let my eyes get so...

I need to call Carlisle. Tanya worried mentally. I need to find out what's going on. I want the whole story.

"Edward, are you staying here tonight?" Tanya asked me. The question threw me off track slightly. Was I staying?

"I...don't think so..." I let my voice trail off. Tanya's face fell.

"It's no trouble, really." I shook my head.

"It's fine. I should be getting...home." Where was home anyway?

"Well, if you're sure...then I have a rather delicious human friend who I'd love to have over instead," Kate winked. "And by delicious, I'm not referring to his blood...although that certainly can sing a little tune when it wants..."

Tanya rolled her eyes.

"Kate, just get inside." Kate waved at me from the top step.

"I'll see you, Edward." she called. I nodded although I was wishing that she would disappear. The company was tiring me again. I couldn't even summon up enough effort to converse politely with family friends.

I was alone outside, aside from Tanya who had walked down the steps and was standing closer to me.

"No human for me to go back to tonight," Tanya mused, sighing. "I'm all alone." She wasn't the only one. I wasn't going home tonight, that was definite. I couldn't face everyone.

"I'd better go." I forced the speech. A verbal goodbye was standard. It would have been rude simply to run away, although I wished that I could. Tanya sidled ever closer...too close.

"Don't leave tonight, Edward..." Tanya whispered into the night air. "Don't leave now..." I swallowed hard.

"I have to leave." I didn't mean for my words to sound to harsh but they slipped out before I could retract some of the pain and anguish from them.

"No, you don't," Tanya argued softly. "Edward, you are suffering, you're in so much pain." I couldn't even open my mouth to deny it. My defences were crumbling and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to restrain my memories, the majority of my agony and my choking emotions.

"Please let me help..." Tanya begged, taking my hand softly. The touch of another creature felt wrong, felt alien. "I hate seeing you this way." I shook my head, biting my lip to stop the screams, the howls and the tortures of my agony from spilling out.

I've had my heart broken by humans too...

Tanya's thoughts were too much. At her words, all my memories flooded into my mind.

BELLA...

The name that I had avoided thinking of, speaking, mentioning, in months. Everything came rushing back, all at once.

The meadow. Our first day out together. Bella's hair, gleaming in the sunlight, my skin sparkling, the warmth, the radiance of her touch on my frozen hand...our first kiss...

Bella in biology...Bella watching my family play baseball...Bella lying on the floor of a ballet studio, wounded, threatened, endangered...

The cries, screams and howls burst from my lips. I was unable to control it any longer. I sank to my knees in front of Tanya, who was blinking at me, completely stunned.

"Edward...I..."

But when she saw my face, she didn't speak. She pulled her mobile out of her pocket as I clawed at the paving stones on the ground, shaking with my misery, regret, distress. If vampires went to hell, this was where I was doomed to spend eternity. This was my hell. Eternal suffering. No chance of redemption. No way out.

Tanya was on the phone to Carlisle but I wasn't listening clearly. My ears were ringing, my entire body was aching, exhausted but unable to let go. I felt as if my bones and muscles had been elastic bands, being stretched out until they snapped. My snapped and broken self was experiencing the agony once more. Since my last lapse in control, my emotions had intensified, they were killing me in a million new ways that I had never believed possible. What hurt the most was that I had to try to remember why I had left Forks, to keep me from going back. And I couldn't bear to remember. But every single day, I still had to.

"Edward, Carlisle's going to pick you up..."

Voices were echoing in my ears but whether they belonged to long-lost memories, human days or the present, I couldn't decipher. I buried my head in my arms and cried tearlessly, regretting everything that I'd ever done.

I had never known such pain. There were no words. And for me, there was no escape. As I lay helpless in Alaska, a thought crossed my mind for the first time since my rebirth. If I could go back and change my life, I would not choose this immortal life of pain and hurt. For the first time, I wished that I had died in 1918.

Game over.