Chapter Eight - Secrets

I sprawled out in Jake's tiny livingroom floor with my shoolbooks opened around me. Homework was such a ridiculous concept - why go to school all day if they were just going to give you stuff you had to work on at home? Jacob was outside messing with his old Volkswagon, and I would much rather be out there with him than in here right now.

Someone walked into Jacob's garage, and I could hear him and Seth talking excitedly. I hadn't gotten the chance to see Seth much since I started the school thing. Hmmm... so he had finally imprinted on someone.

I felt all the blood rush quickly from my face. I had totally forgotten about imprinting. Had Jacob imprinted on me? He never said that he had, but if he hadn't then that meant there was someone else out there that he was supposed to be with, someone who would be better suited for him than I was. My mind dredged up a very distant memory, but was quickly eclipsed by a more recent one from one of our days at the beach.

"Hey, Nessie!" Seth came in beaming at me. "Did you hear?"

"Yeah, that's great Seth!! I'm happy for you." I really was, but my mind was elsewhere. I gave him time to sit down before I started in on him.

"Seth...... can I ask you something?"

"Of course! Ask away," he said as he noted the panicked look in my eyes.

"Do you promise to be honest?"

"I'll try my hardest...." he said quietly. I placed my hand to his neck and showed him the day I was thinking of, up to the part where Jacob cut him off. He knew the part of the conversation I wanted to hear about now.

"Oh..... that. I don't think you would like to hear about that." He finally said after a few agonizing moments.

"You said you would be honest," I reminded him. "Don't worry about me, I can handle it." I sounded much more sure than I really was.

"Alright, Ness but I doubt you'll like it." He drew in a deep breath. "Before you were born, Jake thought he was in love with someone else," he answered simply, low enough so that Jacob wouldn't hear. There was obviously more to this story.

"Who?" I pressed. He said nothing for three full minutes.

"Well.... that's kind of the part that you aren't going to like. It was Bella, when she was still a human."

I completely froze, all except for my mouth which dropped open in horror. My head started spinning dizzily, and for the first time in my life I thought it was actually possible for me to faint.

Jacob.....and.....my.....mother. How could this all have happened? And why the hell hadn't anybody ever told me about it??

Jacob came in through the front door. He caught a glimpse of the look on my face and walked to me anxiously.

"What's wrong, Nessie?" he asked me nervously as he placed his big hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged it off - what was NOT wrong with this situation? I did not want him touching me right now, not while my head was filled with images of himself and my mom. I never would have thought Jacob would lie to me before.

"I have to go," I said stiffly as I threw my books into my bag and flung it over my shoulder.

"Let me take you home...." he said hesitantly.

"I'm not going home." Not yet, at least. I couldn't be in that house, not unless it was completely empty.

"Where are you going then?" Jacob asked, his voice a mix of pain and surprise.

"I don't know yet!" I snapped. "I just need to be alone!"

Jacob looked like I had just slapped him. I almost went to comfort him, to tell him I was sorry for my cruel words - until I remembered why I was so angry in the first place. I took off from his house at top speed. Only seconds had passed by the time I was in the woods.

Jacob followed behind me, closely at first, but then farther back as I headed deeper to escape him. I stopped when I didn't hear his paws thudding the ground behind me and sat down on a large flat rock. I needed to find someone that would tell me everything without sparing my feelings like Seth had. I knew immediately who I had to talk to.

Jacob whimpered somewhere in the distance and I ignored him. He had betrayed me. I understood that at the time that this had taken place, I had not been alive yet and so I could not really be mad about it. But at the same time, the thought of him feeling that way towards my mother disgusted me. Besides that, they had both had enough oppurtunities to bring it up in the past, and it was inexcusable to keep secrets from me.

Jacob must have phased back while I was thinking because he came running up through the trees in his human form.

"Renesmee, please just tell me what's wro-"

"Will you take me to see Leah?" I asked, cutting him off. He must not have heard the conversation between Seth and I if he still had to ask what was wrong with me. He sighed sadly and turned back to the privacy of the trees to phase again. He reappeared and nodded, letting me know that he would lead the way.

The forest sped past me in a million different amazing colors, but I saw none of them. I just focused on the task at hand. I looked around when Jacob stopped running, then turned away from him so he could phase back and put his clothes on.

"She'll be here in a couple of minutes to meet you." he told me.

I would not - could not - look at him yet.

"Renesmee.... please talk to me." His voice strained with his pain.

"What's to talk about?" I growled at the forest floor. "Or were you actually planning on telling me that you used to be in love with my mother?"

He recoiled from my anger before my words sank in. He was silent for a long minute.

"Oh..." was all he managed at first. "Nessie," He strode over to me, reaching for my hand. I looked up at him - he was not going to win me over that picked up my hand, and I decided to let him. Let him see how angry and hurt he had made me feel. I set my pain loose on him.

He dropped my hand quickly with an expression like I had tasered him. He stared down at the ground - now he was the one that could not look at me.

"I'm so sorry..." he muttered.

We both looked up when we heard the faint crunching of earth beneath someone's feet.

"She's here now." He turned to look at me. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Yes."

He sighed. "Will you have Leah take you home?"

"Yes." I said again.

He turned away again and ran through the forest.

Leah stepped through the trees in her human form, something I was not used to.

"You, um, wanted to talk?" she asked speculatively. I was well aware that I was not Leah's favorite person, but that was essential to the conversation. She wouldn't hold back so much.

"There are some things that I need to know. Please Leah, you are the only one that I know will give it to me straight."

She sighed. "Okay... what do you want to know?"

"I want you to tell me about my mom and.... him." She knew who I meant.

She sat down on the forest floor and I followed. She sucked in a long hard breath and released it slowly before she spoke again.

"You know how your Dad left your Mom once?"

I nodded. I had heard this part before.

"Well.... Bella was a total mess after that, and Jacob was the one who was there for her the most."

"What about after Dad came back?"

"Jacob hated him. He couldn't understand how she could choose her vampire over him."

So Mom had been the one to end it, then. That didn't make me feel any better.

"Did she love him back?"

"Yes - but she loved Edward much more. She didn't even realize the way she felt about Jake until he kissed her....." she trailed off, knowing she had said a bit too much.

The thought of Jacob's lips kissing my mother's was sickening. I had never even thought about him being with anyone else before he was with me. I was sure that this situation would be much more comfortable if it had just been some regular girl instead of my breathtaking mother.

Why hadn't anyone ever told me about this? Didn't Jacob think that I had a right to know who his lips have been all over before?

I quickly pushed the thought aside before I could become trapped in it. One kiss does not mean that he had put his lips anywhere other than to hers, and as disgusting as that thought was, it was better than my brain conjuring images of his lips being other places on her.

"So only once, then?" I asked, afraid of what the answer would be.

"Twice, I think. But the first time they kissed, your mom hauled off and punched him in the face."

Any other time I would have laughed loudly at that, but there was no happiness to be found inside of me right now. Jacob had obviously been the one to place his lips to my mom's if that was how she reacted. Did he still think of her that way?

"Do you think either one of them still....?"

"No, Renesmee." Leah looked straight into my eyes. "The only one Jake sees now is you. That's how imprinting works."

"So he did imprint on me?" It came out sounding like a statement.

I had thought before that this was what I wanted - something tangible that let me be absolutely sure that I was the one who was meant for him. But hearing about it here in this context, it just made me more angry.

"So, what, that's the only reason he wants to be with me??" I screamed as I stood up and began pacing back and forth in the small area. "Because of some ridiculous wolf connection to me? It's like he doesn't even have a choice! And what if he did?" I stopped and looked at Leah. "What would he choose if it was only up to him? How could I ever be sure that he would have chosen me? How can he even trust in his love for me if he didn't want to love me in the first place?"

"I don't know..... I can't answer all of those." Leah actually looked like she felt sorry for me right now. I must be pretty pathetic if I was getting sympathy from her. I turned away from her and laid down on the damp dirt as I let the tears fall freely.

I felt like the world had been flipped udside down. What if Jacob had not imprinted on me? Would he care about me at all? Or would he still be chasing after my mother?

I did not want to be in this new reversed place. I did not want to live in a world where Jacob did not truly love me, because I would always love him. He was my whole world - he was the air and the sun. I couldn't live if I never saw the sun again. Losing Jacob's love would be like spending an eternity in the darkness.

Leah sat silently, allowing me time to get it out of my system. I finally pulled myself together and stood back up. I needed to get home - there was someone else that I needed to talk to.

"Do you need me to carry you?" Leah asked me quietly.

"No, I'll be fine." I hope I will, at least.

We reached the house pretty quickly. I could see the light on in the livingroom from a good distance, so I knew she was already waiting on me. Once we reached the small yard, Leah bounded back into the trees for a moment and returned in her human form.

"What should I tell Jake? He's waiting...." she glanced over her shoulder.

I sighed. Of course he was. Jacob had no patience.

"Tell him I don't want him close enough to listen tonight," I said, gesturing to my house. "I'll be having a private conversation. And, as for the rest..... I don't know yet." that was the best I could do for now, and it was honest. I had no idea what I was going to do now.

Leah turned and started to walk away. I took a step towards the door.

"Renesmee?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't really know what imprinting is like, but I do know that Jacob really loves you. More than anything. You are all he has cared about since the day you were born."

"Thanks, Leah," I said with a deep breath. She was in the trees as I reached the house.

"Hello, love," My mother smiled from her seat on the couch. "Your father said that you wanted to talk to me."

"Did he say what about?"

"He did." She looked nervous. I sat down beside her on the couch.

"How could you not tell me, Mom??"

"I didn't want to hurt you, Renesmee. Everything that happened between Jacob and I was long before you were born. I can see how deeply you love him, and it would have only caused you unintentional pain."

"Still, some type of warning would have been nice. But that's not the only thing you've been keeping from me. Well, that everyone has been keeping from me." I loved my family so much, I couldn't understand why they wouldn't tell me something so important, and they had to have known.

"I wanted you to love whoever you wanted. Just because Jacob has always known you were his soulmate doesn't mean that you had to be with him. I think your soulmate should be someone you choose for yourself."

"That's the point, Mom!!! I do choose Jacob, but his choice was made for him! When he was able to choose for himself, he chose you!!!"

Mom closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath to keep her expression smooth.

"Jacob and I never belonged together. But you and Jacob do, Renesmee, and I belong with your father. He loves you more than he could have ever imagined loving anyone else. You are his whole world, and he is yours. Even if you were to deny him and choose someone else, he would always be waiting. He would wait an eternity for you," she said with great conviction. Her words did what they were meant to - I was a lot calmer.

"Do you ever wish that it never happened?" I asked quietly.

"No. There were times that I did, that I wondered why fate had made everything so complicated, but then I realized that everything does happen for a reason..."

Strangely, she was starting to make sense to me. Maybe fate's design had reason on it's side. Maybe it had been no flaw or accident that my father had once left my mother, giving her and Jacob the time to fall in love. maybe it had to happen the way that it did, so that my mom would always know that she could not live without my dad, and so that Jacob would be there to meet me after I was born, and he would know he could not live without me.

And now I knew that I could not live without him.

Jacob was the only one I could ever love. I realized that I didn't have much of a choice either; He had just walked into my room that day, like he had every day before, and I had to love him. I never consciously made the decision to, because the decision had been made for me. Maybe that was what imprinting was like - like seeing the sun rise for the first time, only better.

"I'm so sorry, for everything," Mom said softly.

"It's okay.... I think I mostly understand now." I wrapped my arms tightly around her and hugged her for a long time.

"I love you so much, Ness," she said as she kissed my cheek.

"I love you too, Mom."

"Are you going to talk to him? I can leave if you want."

I thought it over for a moment.

"He should have told me, and I'm still mad. But I don't want to torture him, so we can speak briefly. You can stay though, if you want."

I walked over to the door and pulled it open.

"I think I'll go. I have to tell your father that you're okay now." She breezed out of the open door.

"Jake?" I yelled. I knew he would be close enough to hear me. There was a howl off in the distance, and then Jacob came running a few seconds later.

"Nessie, I'm so sor-"

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him low enough so that my face could reach his. I kissed him roughly, yanking at his hair with my fists. His face was frozen in shock when I pulled away.

"Look Jacob, I am angry with you, but I don't want to have this conversation tonight. I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and you can still stay tonight, if you want."

"I love you, too, Renesmee. More than anything. And you know I want to stay with you. I always will," he smiled.