Chapter Fifteen - Half-Breed

The first sound I heard when I woke up was yelling.

"You are not good enough for her!" Nahuel screeched. Oh God..... this could not be happening.

"You think you are? Nobody is good enough for her!" Jacob screamed back.

"At least I would not assault her every day!! I would have waited a lifetime for what you've already taken away from her!!"

"You act like I forced myself on her! She loves me, for some reason!!! I could never deny her what she wants!!" Jacob yelled, his voice fused with sparks of pain.

"At least I'm not a mutt!!" Nahuel responded. I started to walk down the hall to break up their fight. It was ridiculous to argue about this.

"No, you're just a filthy half-breed!!" Jacob yelled back. I stopped walking, my legs not being able to move anymore. What had he just said??

Nahuel looked over at my still figure, his face seeming apologetic. Jacob followed his gaze and saw me standing there. He slapped both his hands over his mouth, but it was too late - he'd already said it.

So this was what he really thought of me. I was just something disgusting to him. Why had he let things get so far between us if this was how he truly felt about me? He could have saved us both the time and trouble.

I could feel my heart splintering apart in my chest. I had given Jacob everything I had to offer, and he'd taken it. Waves of pain, anger, rejection, and more anger flowed through me. He had betrayed my heart. He could never have really loved me if this was what I was in his mind. He had used me.

He took a step towards me.

"Don't," I said quietly, taking a step back from him.

"Nessie - " he took another step.

"Get away from me, Jacob. Stay away," I whispered. His face was a mask of pain, but I disregarded it. How could he be the one in pain when he cared nothing about me? We stayed still for a moment, and then I turned and went back to my bed room. I locked my door and turned on my mp3, pumping the volume up to it's highest point.

I needed to concentrate only on the noise, and block out what had just happened. I would deal with it when I could breathe again.

I laid down on my bed. Jacob's scent swirled up around me, and I quickly jumped up. I wanted to forget all about Jacob Black. I searched around my room for another place to sit, but everywhere I looked all I could see was him.

I finally settled on the closet floor. I curled up there and listened to every syllable of every word, every note of every instrument that my speakers were blaring at me. I searched for the Heaven that my music always gave to me.

There was no Heaven to be found, though. Not with Jacob gone. I was in hell. The love of my life thought that I was a 'filthy half-breed'. I thought he was perfect, and he thought that I was some vile creature. All the sunshine in my world was gone, leaving nothing but blackness behind.

I saw a piece of paper slide under my door. I ignored it. Whatever it was, I did not want to hear it. Or read it, in this case.

By the time it was nightfall, there were about fifty pieces of paper strewn out on the floor around my door, and whoever it was decided to give up. I hadn't moved at all from my original position, and wasn't planning to do so any time soon.

Why should I move? I could sit right here forever. I needed to; if I stood up, all the broken pieces of me would scatter, and the smallest shards would never be found again.

I eventually fell asleep, just as the sun was coming up. I had closed my eyes so that I would not have to see it, and I woke up on my bed with my music turned down very low.

I got up and turned it back up, not as loud as yesterday. I grabbed my sheet and pillow and went back to my closet. All of the papers from yesterday were stacked up neatly outside of the closet door. I could see Jacob's handwriting on the top piece, so I ignored them again. What could they say, that he was sorry he hadn't been honest sooner? Or maybe they were cruel, just like his previous words. Either way, I could not read them.

I did not cry once as I sat here. I was past the point of tears. I was in a place where the emotion can not be expressed at all. I was only quiet.

I drifted away to Otep's 'My Confession'.

"Renesmee?" a voice woke me. "Are you asleep?" The voice was not Jacob's so I decided to respond.

"No," I whispered.

Nahuel picked me up gently from the floor and carried me to my bed.

"I'm so sorry, Renesmee," he said as he placed me down easily on the mattress and went to my stereo to turn it down.

"It's not your fault," I answered weakly. It was no one's fault, really. Just an inevitability. Someone can only hide their true feelings for so long.

"That's not entirely true," he said with sadness in his voice. He sat down beside me. "Can I get you anything?"

I shook my head no.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No. Stay with me, please." I felt like I needed him somehow. I felt like maybe he could stitch up the giant crater in my chest, for tonight at least. I didn't know why I thought that, but I did.

"I'll stay as long as you want," he promised. He was so sincere now, so different from what I'd thought him to be.

I put my head into his lap and drifted back to sleep as he lightly stroked my hair.

I dreamed that I was running through the forest blindly at night. Wolves howled, and I could never tell if I was trying to find them or trying to escape them. I only ran and ran, until I happened upon a clearing. Someone was standing before me with their back facing my direction. I reached out to see who it was, and they slowly turned around to face me - it was Jacob.

I awoke with a wild gasp.

"Are you okay?" Nahuel asked from above me. My head was still in his lap - he must not have moved while I was out.

"Yeah," I said as I tried to catch my breath.

"I'm sorry, I should have woke you. I didn't realize that was a bad dream."

"Were you watching?" I asked as I noticed he was holding my hand. He immediately dropped it.

"Yes."

I sat up to yawn and stretch. I looked at my reflection in the mirror across the room. I hadn't changed out of my pajamas from two nights ago. I walked stiffly to the closet, closing myself inside.

"Renesmee?" Nahuel asked anxiously. I wonder if it was because he thought I was mad, or if he thought I was going to lock myself in here again.

"I'm just changing," I assured him.

"Oh."

I found another shorts set and threw it on without looking at it. I could feel Nahuel's eyes on me as I came back to the bed, but I did not care. If Jacob didn't care, then neither did I. Let them all look. I curled back up and laid my head into Nahuel's lap again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked cautiously.

"What's to talk about? You heard what he said."

"He didn't say it about you, though."

"What difference does it make? You and I are the same in that way. You can't find one of us disgusting without feeling the same way about the other."

"He doesn't think you're disgusting. He loves you."

"Since when are you on his side??" I snapped. He was wrong; Jacob did not love me.

"I'm on your side, Renesmee. I just can't stand seeing you in so much pain. Jacob didn't mean what he said. He does love you - I can see that now."

"I don't think so. I'm not sure he ever did. Maybe I'll just go find that other werewolf - he's probably not so prejudiced," I attempted to lighten the situation unsuccessfully.

"Don't say that. If you decide to not be with Jacob, you can have anyone that you want." I sighed as he took my hand.

He was right - I could have anyone that I wanted. But I would never want anyone but Jacob. I would never love anyone the way that I loved him. He owned my heart forever. I had not decided to not be with him; it was another decision that was made for me.

He sighed as my thoughts flowed into him. "Do you want to talk to him?"

"I have nothing to say."

He let it drop and we were silent for a long moment. I looked at my clock and saw that it was just past midnight.

"It's getting late," I told him. "Do you want to go to bed?"

"That's okay. I'm here as long as you need me."

I scooted off of him. "You can lay down," I told him. There was no point in him being uncomfortable. He laid down beside me, and I pulled his arms tight around my body. He held me as I tried to go back to sleep.

It felt good to have him here, holding me close to him. It was almost natural in a way, like he was supposed to be here. Like this was where he belonged. Despite our previous attitudes towards one another, he was the only one I wanted to be around right now.

He hugged me tighter as he heard my thoughts, and I quickly drifted away. I dreamed of an infinite darkness, with one small point of light that was so far away. I went towards it for what felt like forever, and when I finally reached it, it was Nahuel.